Build Supreme Confidence in Dating - Part 1

Part 1 of a 3 Part FB LIVE series (fb.me/andrealushlife) on how to become so supremely confident in dating that you go on dates easily and live the aftermath of them gracefully.

What I share with you in Part 1 is first stage of a simple yet profound 3 part process that I learned to understand what was really going on.

Get the { FREE } Playbook for Part 1

Get crystal clear on what you really want

The first part is to get super clear on exactly what it is that you want. So for example if you want to be in a relationship, then dig down into being in a relationship will bring to your life. What more will you have or experience. What more will it give you. 

Bring it into 3D

The next step is to visualize what this looks like when all 5 of your senses are engaged. What do you see, hear, taste, smell, and touch in this new reality. 

By doing this your body starts to register your future state in the present time. This does 2 things:

1. Lets your brain know that you can have this and survive.

2. Invites the parts of you that are afraid of you having this new reality to show up. If they weren't there, you'd already have done what it takes to have it!

Get to know your monsters

Begin to get to know the parts of you that are blocking you. Whilst they may seem like enemies at the moment, they came to you to help you in some way. Only now it's time they move on. 

Invite them to step aside

In Part 2 learn how to transform these monsters so that they step aside, freeing your pathway to your goal. 

Catch me every Wednesday at 8PM GMT on Facebook Live where I talk about all things love, sex + relationships: fb.me/andrealushlife

Envy is my superfuel

I consider myself a champion for other women.

Yet oftentimes when confronted with a truly powerful woman, someone who owns it fully, and especially when she's sensationally sexy, I would find myself disregarding, criticizing or shaming her, even if it was only in my head.

‘What’s she doing being so flirty!’, I’d think. Or ‘She should maybe think twice before wearing that’, would fire off in my mind.

You see, I am a champion for women. But only those women that express the parts of me that I have accepted and loved and were valued by my family and friends.

And this is so so limiting.

So I catch myself now.

And look at what exactly it is about the woman in front of me that has brought up these thoughts and along with them feelings of disdain and disrespect.

And I find her in me.

Recent discoveries include:

The little girl who wanted to be a beautiful goddess but didn’t know how – she learned she might have gotten attacked or kidnapped if she stood out too much.

The teenager who was too afraid to express her wild desire for sex – it was wrong and shameful to be so full of turn on.

The woman who was too scared to be seen as sexy because that meant she was a slut and manipulative and would not be accepted by her band of strong, intelligent and powerful women.

It didn’t safe for most of my life to be what these other women so daringly are.

And so I too was a slut-shamer. I too let my envy for women able to own and express their sexiness turn into negative thoughts and disrespect.

I believe that men and women should hold equal power in the world.

And what gives us true power is ownership, love and acceptance of all of ourselves.

We women hold the world inside of us. That means that every single quality out there, we’ve got inside of us somewhere.

It remains untapped, hidden potential, until one day you decide to open it up, and live the power, beauty, and magic you see in others.

It’s been in you all along.

Good guys to date are an endangered species, you say?

This is a post for all those women out there who feel like there’s no hope, because there are just NO GOOD MEN to date.

If you feel like you're rolling around in a state of frustration and sense of loss at a world devoid of good quality men available and date-able, then I ask you to try out this out.

You can DOWNLOAD THE PLAYBOOK on the homepage for extra support. 

Step 1

Write down the names of 5 guys that you know that fit the qualifier of ‘good’. They don’t have to be datable.

Example: Your brother’s best friend. Or that nice guy from work. Or the coffee guy who makes your espresso every morning.

Step 2: Men are sooooooo…..yum!

Using the examples above, write down 5 things that you love about each of the men from Step 1

Example: Here’s my list: 1. Ability to focus  2. Determination 3. Strength 4. Calm presence in the midst of storm  5. Honorable 6. (I needed to add this extra I realized as it came to me as I was writing this…) Fire + sexiness (I love sex and I love that they do too). Flip the page if you need to.

Step 3: They’re alive. And out there.

Go out in the world and when you detect one of the ‘things I love about men’ from Day 2 in someone, write his name down. You can have more than one name for each day, but put down at least one. Do this for one full week. Notice what happens.

Tips

I’m going to give you some good solid tips for this one so you don’t freak out.

1. Manage yourself: You don’t have to marry this guy!

Or even like him, really. You’re just looking for what making him MAN and GOOD at the same time. We’re just warming you up here. Unless...you want otherwise.

2. Probe: Look deeply.

How is he at least one of the things you love about men. Notice where his honour lies. How he might be determined. Or where he shows a great ability to focus. Take it up a level: For every one criticism you find in the person, find 2 more good things.

3. Love him just a little: he doesn’t need to know

Even just a tiny bit. Even just from afar. You don’t have to date him. Or even talk to him. Just love and honor that thing about him that makes him male and good...and maybe even a little bit sexy.

And that's it!! Let me know how it goes in the comments below! 

Read on if you want to know more about where the Good Guys have gone. 

How did this happen? Did an alien invasion come and scoop up all the good ones? Because you swear it was never this bad before.

Let me ask you something, does this sound familiar:

I’ve got nothing to wear.

I don’t have enough money.

There’s not enough jobs out there.

And the list rolls on…until it ends with…

There definitely are not enough good guys out there.

I used to live in a world like this.

It was full of fear.

Fear of not being enough.

Fear of never getting enough.

Fear of succeeding.

Fear of losing what I might actually get.

But as time went on, here’s what happened:

I’ve got nothing to wear. 

I’d dig deep find that cute sparkley number I’d forgotten about and look smashing in.

There’s not enough jobs.

The job I dreaded taking was the one where I made the most good long-term friendships.

There’s not enough money.

I got what I needed to cover me and then worked on getting to the next level. Consciously.

And now for the big one…

There are not enough good guys out there.

I learned more about myself, about what was really going on underneath it all and loved myself for it, I could do the same with men. And gradually my world filled with good guys...One of whom became my boyfriend. And he’s looooovely.

As the blinders of fear came down, the world was now full of options.

And I learned to control the gate of my heart so that it opened (and closed) upon my command.

In celebration of the spirit of good men (who happen to love challenges, I wish you the best of luck.

In the meantime, to get you started, list at least one stellar quality you love about men, the good ones, in the comments below. 

Let them know you love them. 

Boost your sexy factor astronomically with this 6 step guide to wearing hot lingerie

Even if you get the sweats just thinking of going into the shop

I remember the hesitation that I’d feel as I inched my way down the street towards the beautiful, luxurious lingerie shop.

I could feel the sweat dripping down my body, the intense feeling of shame as I thought about what would my friends think. I was sure none of them shopped in a place like this.

Or maybe they did? I don’t know. We never talked about it.

I remember the feeling like an awkward teenager (at the age of 40+), as I approached the door of that shop time after time, never quite brave enough to go in. 

You see, I wanted to graduate from department store lingerie to something that made me feel playful, alluring, daring, sensual, and mysterious, like the women I'd see in magazines or in the city.

I wanted to feel sensationally, astronomically, out-of-this-world sexy.

And one of the keys to this I felt was inside of that shop.

But I couldn’t get myself over the threshold. Until one day I did. 

And wow, how the journey changed me.  

Here's my 6 step guide to getting you, too inside of that shop and up-leveling your sexy in ways you'd never imagined. 

Step 1

Know you will survive this.

So this one isn’t really a step, per say, but it’s very important to remember that you will come out of the shop alive. That’s pretty much a guarantee.   

It might not feel like it right now, but its a probably truth.

Unless your heart stops at your incredible sexiness. Which it could. Take the risk?

Step 2

Now that we’ve put things into perspective, let’s get down to the nitty gritty.

You’re gonna need to warm up before you actually go into the shop: practicing some major time body love.

What do I mean by that? I mean that every time you look in that mirror either clothed or naked, you give yourself 3 compliments for every 1 criticism. THREE for every 1.

Do this for a week. At least.

Your mind needs to learn to be nicer to yourself if you’re going to have fun on your adventure.

It’s probably never be trained properly, so now we’re gonna tame that monkey. With everthing we’ve got.

Remember: 3 for 1

Step 3

Once that monkey is well in it’s cage, think about the ‘right’ store.

As I mentioned, I went to Agent Provocateur, not because I could afford it (I couldn’t at the time), but because it was upmarket, luxurious, elegant, and also playful, fun and there was defo some stuff in there I’d never imagine trying on.

It’s not your mamma’s lingerie shop.

It also didn’t feel like a sleazy place, though it definitely pushed my edge.

I would eventually shop here for real, as I do also at Donna Summers (sort of the UK version of Victoria’s Secrets but a bit more ‘racy’). It took me ages longer to go into Donna Summers though as ‘cheap’ was one of the many words I heard that were equated with women who were sexy, light, fun and playful in their sexuality.

If I was spending a lot of money, I could not be ‘cheap’, right?

OOoo the mind.

Monkey, get back in the cage!
 

Step 4

Go into the shop.

Easier said than done you say? I agree. Totally.

Oooo how many times did I circle that store in Soho. Like a vulture. Or rather some sort of tiny, timid, frightened animal (how I wish I were as fierce as a vulture!).

Tiny because the women in the magazines were tall and leggy and knew a lot more than I did and so I felt small and too this and that and not enough of the other. Monkeeeeeeyyyyy!!!

He’s back in the cage. Cause I had trained for this. Hard!

And there I was, pushing my way through the door.

I was able to look the shop keepers in the eye (after years of lowering my head in embarrassment and shame in the face of lace, this wasn’t an easy one), and lo and behold they looked nice! And not at all scary like I had in my mind.

Why did I feel these women were scary? That is a dissertation I can save for another time, but basically a woman in her full sexual power is scary. Why do you think we’ve been shamed and oppressed for so long from our full sexy forces. When you own this part of you as a woman you are powerful, amazing, uncontrollable, mind-blowing (literally), and therefore a force to be reckoned with. And silenced. And shamed. And tamed.

Well, me no longer.

But I’m going to put that on hold for now as I could go on and on but we’re in the shop now!!!
 

Step 5

Try stuff on.

OMG. Yes. Please!! Try as much stuff on as you can. Especially the stuff that you could never imagine yourself trying on, which for me was pretty much all of it. Ha!

What helped me was when one of the shopkeepers asked if she could help. And I hesitated (as the sweat dripped down my body...you see, I was in but it was still quite nerve-racking to be managing all the feels I was feeling).

And she asked, ‘Well, what role do you want to play? How do you want to feel?’.

I probably looked at her quizzically, as she then pulled from the rack a pink tassely type thing and said, ‘Here you can be a Roman goddess’...or with this one you could be like a Spanish flamenco dancer’?

It was like Halloween? Or role play? Whatever was going on, it worked. It made it less scary.

I could try on these strappy, sexy numbers, step into my roman goddess or whatever, and it felt like fun.

I could explore what it must have been like to be these beautiful women archetypes. I’d eventually learn to tap into so many of these incredible flavours of sexy inside of myself with or without the lace and tassels, but right now it was what I needed.

Game on!

I was in there for hours.

Top tip: Now’s the time to deploy the mind exercise I told you about if you need. 3 positive things. You’ll be looking in that mirror a lot.

Step 6

Wear it at home. Alone.

Sometimes it takes a bit of time to grow into new clothes.

And whilst I felt beautiful like I never had before trying that stuff out in the shop, I also felt unsure about it. I mean, when would I actually wear this stuff? And why? I was single!! For what felt like could be indefinitely?! Help!!  

I got that stuff for me. For myself. To learn how to step into parts of me that went into hiding. That never grew up or out. That were squished in there. Quieted. Silenced. But definitely not forever.

I had begun to find these parts of myself in the shop, to taste and to feel all of the different flavours of beauty inside of me.

I was stepping into the place of the women in the magazines. I was taking my place amongst them, not because I changed careers and became a supermodel, but because I was stepping into my sexiness and the power that comes with that as a woman who owns it.

Am I perfect at it? Nope. Do I still look at magazines and feel like a little girl? Sometimes. A lot more often, I look into the mirror and see staring back at me a beautiful, sexy woman.

And I smile at her. She owns it. And wow, is she a presence.  

Note: not all women in photos in magazines look sexy or powerful all the time.

5 tips on how to flirt when you just don't feel like it

I remember when it was easy to flirt. I felt amazing, on top of the world, alive and flirting was just a natural extension of this.

Teasing a smile onto someone’s face or getting them to laugh fueled my own happiness.

I felt sexy and playful and myself.

Then there were times when I felt dead inside. Maybe it was from too many hours in front of the computer which sometimes felt like it was sucking my soul away. The artificial light from the screen glowed more brightly than anything inside of me.

The last thing I could have done in those moments was flirt. It just wasn’t happening. Cynicism or sarcasm would come out instead, and the negative undertone of those maybe would draw  a chuckle, but it felt more like it kept people away instead of drawing them closer. Play with this though and see what you yourself experience.

So that leads me to my first tip:

Spoil yourself

Give yourself what you need to make you happy

Be alone with yourself. Or spend time with friends. Go to the spa or take a long hot bath. Put on some crazy music and dance it off. Do whatever it is you need to soothe your soul and make you feel more alive.  

Getting to good will help get you to great. And when you feel great, flirting becomes an extension of who you are. Of the fire inside. When you light yourself up, you light up a room...or another soul.

Start small  

Still not quite feelin' it?

Flirt with your sister, with your girlfriends, with the cat, or the guy behind the deli counter.

This isn’t quite ‘faking it till you make it’ – getting in the mode can help get you in the mood.

 

Flirt to fit your mood

Feeling just a little bit warmer? Flirt lightly. A compliment here. A lingering glance there...always with the intention of sharing the little ray of sunshine that’s starting to flicker in your soul.

Match your mood. If you’re feeling playful, be playful. If you feel shy, a gentle wink will do the job.

Listen

Get curious about the person you’re with. Notice what excites them. Tune in. Stay focused on the conversation and pick up on times when they light up. So say for instance, someone is telling you about their trip to Hawaii and you pick up on the fact that they loved hula dancing. Tease out of them why they loved it.

By doing this they will feel heard and seen and there’s nothing sexier than that.

It’s also a way of allowing them to relive a moment in their lives where they felt alive. And by doing so you are in a way giving them a bit more of that experience. Teasing is in one sense, giving to someone a little bit of what they desire. Yum!

Immerse yourself in the now

Mindfulness has a place even in the game of flirting. Tune in to what turns you on about where you are and what you are doing.

Notice all of the physical sensations, the softness of the grass under your feet, the bitter twang of coffee as it hits your tongue. Drop in completely. 

The lusciousness of life will slowly fill you back up again and you'll enjoy just being in the world. Share what you notice with someone near you. This closeness and intimacy in a shared moment is a flirt in and of itself. 

3 pre-date rituals that will make you rock it on a date

I’ve used these sweet and sexy rituals over and over again to get ready for nerve-racking dates with potential ‘loves of my life’ and smokin’ hot guys I’ve been curious about.

Why? Because I found that whatever way the dates went, I had a spectacular time. I was my own little party. Now that’s power!

Ritual 1: Shake it, baby

Shake it off...like a bunny or a polar bear.... Or maybe Taylor Swift? You decide. (Even if you do choose the bunny, I’d still recommend doing this ritual to some Taylor Swift.)

Shaking, a.k.a. the ‘therapeutic tremor’, is your body’s way of releasing tension and stress.

'No duh,' you say? Then why aren’t you doing it? Like all the time!!

It feels sooooo gooood.

Here’s the science behind what’s happening:

When we are stressed or threatened, our bodies physically tense and contract, especially muscles deep in our core. At the same time, a cascade of neurological and hormonal changes transforms our body for self-protection and defense. Our senses sharpen, heartbeat and breathing quicken, and digestion slows to a crawl.*

Sound familiar? That’s how I used to feel before ALL my dates.

No matter how much I kept telling myself to just chill out, I just couldn't. Here’s why:

Once we feel safe again, our bodies activate a natural shaking mechanism to discharge the muscular tension and reset our systems back to baseline….. But if this tension is not shaken out, then signals are sent to our brain that we are still under threat, which causes us to tighten up even more. A vicious cycle ensues.*

Best to shake it off.

Here’s how (Want a demo? Watch the video.)

Start with your hands and fingers. Wiggle them, move them. Shake them out.

Let the shake travel up into your arms, getting your whole arm involved. 

Now move your arms over your head, still shaking them the whole way.

Now let that shake shimmy down into your head and neck into your shoulders and rib cage.

Shake those hips! (As if I had to tell you.)

Shake it all the way down to your legs and your feet. Shake those feet out! 

Do this until you can't shake any more. You are done.

*Phoenix Society for burn survivors

Ritual #2: Dance it

I like to start this one off the back of the shaking ritual I described in my first post. After all, you’re already warmed up!

If you do that, you can start right in with your wild + crazy dance track. Find some music that makes your heart beat and let it out. Go insane!!

If not, you might want to start this ritual with a nice, sweet warm-up beat. Fine some music that's a bit fun and light to get you in the mood. Get those feet tapping and give it a little bounce.

And as you begin to get into it, you can then move on to a song where you really let your hair down. It might take you a few warm up tracks to get there, but when you do, really let it go.

Remember: no one is watching you anyway. This is YOUR TIME. Fill yourself with your own awesomeness through your most bodacious body moves. Let her rip! You know you look good. ;-)

Key tip: It’s important to let yourself be your most wild, fullest self in this. Allowing yourself to really go for it and let go will bring a massive sense of power which will fuel you during your date. Fill yourself up with good vibes until you are overflowing.

Ain’t nothin gonna bring you down.

Now, with whatever you got left, put on some purring sexy music. Oo yeah. End sexy and soothing. Run your hands through your hair, across your face, your luscious lips. Caress that body as it gently sways to the rhythm. Notice how much yumminess you can get from the pleasure factory of your own hands!! Let the music fill you, permeate you. Fill that body up with PLEASURE. You are pure, sensual power. Give yourself whatever you need to feel sooooo goood.

Top tip: create a track list of at least 3 songs (that’s about a 6-10 minute timeframe so give yourself that time well before your date).

1. Song 1: Light, happy warm-up

2. Song 2: Wild and crazy

3. Song 3: Sweet and sensual

You’ll be flying out the door feeling ever so good, glowing with perfumed power.

Ritual #3: Aphrodisiacs

Just that word sets little fireworks off in my brain and in my body.

Why? Cause I’m a sucker for culinary delights. And history. And science. And love.

Aphrodisiacs fire me up on all those cylinders. 

Ancient civilizations used aphrodisiacs to fuel their sexual energy, their turn on. Whether it was via endorphins released by eating chilis, or the sensual plumping of the lips stimulated by the ingestion of ginger, or the sustained energy obtained from caffeine in chocolate that allowed for endurance in sexy play, our forebears in the Americas and Asia knew a few things about having a good time.

Since it's winter here in the northern hemisphere, I'll share with you the recipe for a nice warm glass of the hot cocoa (aka cacao) that will get your inner fires burning.

It'll also help you to get out the door. Sometimes in winter it's difficult to get out there when it's so cold.

Ginger + Chili Spiced Hot Chocolate

- 1 glass milk (unsweetened, nut or regular milk are both ok)

- 2 tbsp organic 100% cocoa powder

- fresh ginger (about the size of your thumb or to taste)

- 1/2 tsp ground cinnamon

- 1/2 tsp ground nutmeg

- 1/4 tsp chilli powder

- Honey / sugar to taste (optional and preferably raw / unrefined)

- Rose petals (optional)

Place the almond milk in a glass container and grate the fresh ginger into it. Cover with the lid and refrigerate for 30 min - 1 hr (you can do your shaking + dancing rituals whilst this is sitting).

Heat the milk/ginger infusion in a small saucepan, bringing to a steady boil on medium heat or until the milk gets frothy around the edges.

Add 2 level tablespoons of cocoa powder, then add the nutmeg, cinnamon and chili powder. Stir continuously for 2-3 minutes to dissolve completely.

Serve hot, using a small strainer to separate the bits of grated ginger.

Float the rose petals on the top. 

Enjoy!