How to beat the tech + find love online

So here’s some heartbreaking news for anyone lookin’ for love online (like EVERYONE these days) –

💔 Dating apps are designed specifically to keep you single.

UUuurrrgg as if it wasn’t hard enough to find some lovin’ in the world.

Now we have tech that we thought would help you in the 💏 department actually KEEPING you from love.

My blood is boiling….

Good news is, you can beat apps at their own game.

And I found out how. From a pro.

😎 Nichi Hodgson is an online dating expert (and a bunch of other incredible things, like writing for the Guardian, Times, BBC..the list is long...on all things Sex, Love + Relationships).

She’s got an insider’s view into how dating apps work, having been employed by several of them.

Nichi told me how to be the tech + find love on (and off) line.  Watch the vid for the full story.

Top 3 Tips are listed here:

⭐Limit your swiping to 5-9 times

Don’t go above 9 or you’ll go into cognitive overload + overwhelm.

Just work with those first 9 profiles.

(OMG only 9?!?! I’ve swiped for HOURS in my day...and yes, wanted to kill myself by the end of it)

⭐ After 7 minutes - 10 minutes (a day) go off the app

Get a few people that you have a chat going w/ focus on those.

Sound similar to the first tip? It is!!  

Swiping is a repetitive motion that mesmerizes. It keeps you on the app longer than you need to be and can become a bit addictive.

⭐Forgive your date if they get right on the app after they’ve met you!

Remember: the swiping is just a habit. A compulsive behavior reinforced by the app creators.

⭐ Delete the app asap

If you find someone you kind of like, delete the app asap. This helps prevent you from getting hooked on the endless options.

Share your phone number (I know, you’re thinking..is that safe?) Well the person can’t find out where you live based on your phone number. And you can always block them.

>----------->

Full reveal: Both Nichi + I found our long-term partners online. But it wasn’t as a result of beating the tech (though that can help).

We’d both worked through our stuff in therapy + coaching, and this is what made the difference. Significant internal shifts got us to where we are now – happy in love (and still continuing the ‘inner work’ in this new context).  

😉 If you still struggle to find love and can’t quite figure out why, both of us are coaches.

You can PM me here.

And write to Nichi here: http://nichihodgson.com/contact/

Nichi also recommends reading this book

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love Paperback by Rachel Heller + Amir Levine

It'll help you understand why you might be struggling to find love.

You're going to get there...I promise!!

❤❤❤

Boundaries - the unexpected love magnet

We think we're going to lose someone when we say no, that's not ok.

Instead, those worth keeping grow more curious about us. And respect our edges.

We become more powerful in ourselves as we trust ourselves more.

And that powerful sense of knowing is VERY sexy for someone who knows his or her own power as well.

This other person knows that they come to someone who can hold themselves and protect themselves.

And so they are free to love you. Without having to save you. And if they too know their boundaries, have a strong sense of self-respect + love for themselves, they won't expect you to save them either.

HOW TO CREATE + MAINTAIN YOUR (new + sexy) BOUNDARIES

1. Know your desires + values in Relationship – get crystal clear – make a list

Include emotional, physical, mental + spiritual aspects

This is your line in the sand

2. Learn how to say NO - firmly + from your heart

When you are grounded and speak your NO clearly, then your YES becomes clearer as well. (Thank you @Sue Sutherland)

3. Be ok with whatever happens

Know that the trust + respect you demonstrate for yourself is what makes you YOU.

Love yourself knowing that being there for yourself is a great act of self-love.

And anyone who doesn't respect your boundaries, who doesn't first seek to respect you and then understand you, is probably someone you don't want around.

What better filter than this for discerning who's right / wrong for you!!

Come say hi to me on FB:

https://www.facebook.com/andrea.balboni.54

https://www.lushcoaching.com/

How to Receive Easily + Let in Love

Good people give. Greedy ones take (aka receive).

This cultural belief has wreaked havoc on relationships.

And has kept many of us single for far too long.

Too much giving (and no receiving) is a defence AGAINST INTIMACY.

Receiving creates connection.

HOW TO RECEIVE (and let love in)

1. Start small - accept compliments w/ eye contact + really feel them land in your body. Find the truth in it within yourself.

2. Enjoy the pleasure of the gift - luxuriate in whatever is received. You’ll feel amazing. And the giver will so enjoy seeing you happy.

3. Practice boundaries - know you don’t need to reciprocate. You can receive for the pleasure of receiving. Full stop. If anyone demands something in return, then you might question their motives in giving.

WHY IT’S SO HARD TO RECEIVE

1. Defence against intimacy / allowing someone closer - it feels vulnerable to open yourself to another in this way.

2. Self-worth - you don’t feel you are worth the compliment, gift, etc.

3. We’re rewarded as children for sharing, not for receiving

4. We’re taught that pleasure is not safe to feel fully

5. Receiving means letting go of some control + this feels scary.

The Man Cave – Uncovering the mystery (+ hidden benefits)

I LOVE ME A HAIRY MAN

AND the thought of one retreating into a cave brings out the primal, wild woman in me...

Rrrroooooaaarr!!!

Well, actually it’s more like…

OMG…!!!!
Will he ever emerge?

Have I lost him forever to the deep dark depths of the earth?

I’ve gotten much better with losing Naz to his ‘cave’ (in this case his pool table).

In fact, now I even welcome the retreat.

A part of me does remain fearful of the temporary void it presents.

It’s the part of me that is afraid of being abandoned or left behind or forgotten.

And she used to HATE the man cave

Because it’s inaccessible and feels cold and dark.

And then I got a flashlight.

I asked a bunch of guys what IS it about the man cave that is so...well...necessary?

Wow, did I learn a LOT.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here are all the reasons I got from talking to loads of guys about why we should be grateful for this deep, dark place:

If you want a man who's powerful, full of energy, present with you, able to give, is compassionate and loving then he'll need his space

In his man cave he:

- fills himself up so he can give the best of himself (rather than just what is left)

- can better serve the relationship

- does some deep healing work on himself - he processes through emotions and takes a look inwards

- he lets the pressures of life drop away and relaxes

- problem solves and works through things, strengthening his own resolve and managing his emotions

- seeks to protect you from what he is feeling if he thinks it might be too much

- builds testosterone so he can show up in life strong

- do nothing...he just needs some rest

GUYS - If you just need some time for yourself for any of the above, and you find a woman freaking out, just let her know that you need some space to process thru things so you can show up fully present so you can give her your best. She'll love you for it!

** WARNING There is a shadow side though **

Excessive time in the man cave can be a way that the person is avoiding things, whether that be a difficult conversation or dealing with his own emotions.

If you think this is what's happening here, you can invite your guy into conversation.

If this feels impossible, you can PM me. I work with couples to build communication so they can relate better and love more easily.

Forgiveness 360• Rant + rave to truly forgive

I help people create new love in their lives that is healthier + happier than they’ve ever had in the past.

It’s not magic that I perform, though some have said it feels like that. 🧙‍♀✨🔮

I simply help people to see what keeps them from new love happening.

And we clear it. 🌬

And I set them up for what they came to me for: deep connection and true partnership, trust, support and understanding in love + intimacy.

Because there’s nothing like wrapping yourself up in the arms of someone whom you truly trust, of knowing the deliciousness of their scent and inhaling it deeply into your body, of not only having someone on your side, but creating a life together that is so much more than what life looks like alone.

It’s often a unique combination of things that keeps one from this kind of crazy, sexy, out-of-this world kind of love.

But there are also patterns that I see over and over again that block people.
And one of these is hanging onto ‘dirty laundry’. 🧺

‘Dirty laundry’ is simply old love (or what looked like love) hanging around that needs processing.

It no longer is fit for purpose. It no longer serves.

It needs to be cleaned and cleared, so that whatever new thing that wants to come in can.

And enter into an environment that has plenty of space, light and fresh air.  

So that it can grow deep roots + expand and grow and thrive. 🌱🌿🌳

And be its own thing. Something completely new. 💓

One of the ways to clean + clear is to develop a strong practice of what I call, Forgiveness 360

Forgiveness 360•

 A Step-By-Step Process to rant + rave and truly forgive

1) CLEAR - Grab a pillow. Imagine the person you want to forgive sitting across from you. Let it out!! Shout, scream, *&£$&*. Let whatever you feel, anger, frustration out! This is YOUR TIME! Set a timer for 5-10 mins so you don’t get lost in it all.

2) HEAL – Sit with yourself and observe how your body feels (you might find some space) and notice what emotions rise and fall. Then, fill yourself with good vibes. Imagine love energy or sunlight energy filling into your body.

3) SHIFT – Recall the situation from this new vantage point and try to understand how you might do things differently next time so the same situation does not occur. Maybe it’s setting new boundaries within yourself or saying ‘No’ more. Own your experience.

How to keep a man worth keeping

How to keep a man worth keeping…

Guys worth keeping are special. They are powerful creatures. And yes, also can feel like a rare breed.

So when you find one that makes you feel so good to have him around, you want to keep him in your life.

Because he’s good for you. And you are good for him.

I love the way that a man holds me in his arms and teases me when I need to laugh and how he smells like deliciousness.

And I love that a man worth keeping

Supports a woman in her mission in life, whether that be in her career or in raising kids, and he stands by her

This empowers him

He feels in integrity supporting someone he believes in

And it empowers her

She benefits from the additional support of having someone stand alongside her

She remains desirable

She doesn’t actually need him (which feels like pulling)

She chooses him (which feels like desire)

And this is great.

I’ve been here.

And I’ve slid into the other side of this which is not so nice...AND have spoken to many other women who’ve also slipped down this slide too

And the results are the same

A man worth keeping, loses his interest when...

• He feels like he has to hold you up

• This takes away from his own ability to focus on his own sense of direction and purpose and he risks losing himself in your story

• He feels like your happiness depends on him

• Your happiness is actually not in his control - he feels helpless

• And you actually lose out too

• When you lean on someone too much you

Start to wonder if you actually are capable of making it happen. If you are enough. If you are even worth it.

And you feel less powerful.

And more dependent.

Yep, I said it. The evil word...dependent.

Because that is what happens.

Here’s how to keep yourself (and your guy) alive with desire for one another even as you bask in their support

• Recognize what is happening

• Own up to it

• Make some hard decisions

• Communicate what is going on to the other person (if appropriate)

• Re-centre yourself - stand in your own power / light and move forward

Dating is not a numbers game - How to turn the odds in your favour

Dating is not a numbers game. ➕➖➗

I know. 

I went on hundreds of dates and swiped thousands of profiles for 8 straight years. 

Countless hours were spent crafting my online profile. 

🤳🏽🥵

It only mattered so much.

I finally felt like I was taking control over finding a relationship when I really owned it. 

And the IT here was me.

I owned how I showed up in the world. 

I owned the incredible things about me.

I owned my own amazingness. 

AND

I reflected it accurately and openly – online + off

In this video I share practical (and not so practical) tips on 

-Knowing it + Owning it

-Reflecting that in your online profile 

-Reflecting it in the real world

-Allowing in that which you put out (love...yum)

Solo Tantra 101 - Polarity: Get the sparks flying

My first 3 years of learning tantra were when I was single.

I practiced tantra on my own.

I share with you a basic tantric principle 💥 that of polarity 💥 

Or the push pull of life.

The magnetism that draws you to another person for instance.

Steps to increasing + practicing Polarity:

1. Decide if you want to be in the Go or Flow state

2. Transition fully into Go or Flow (most people are in Go - I give tips on getting into Flow)

3. Practice being in the state you choose. Partnered dance is a great way to practice.

The Go state is one where you are focused, have a sense of direction and movement and at the same time be present enough to feel into where the person in Flow is and respond.

Those in Flow states dance and move around the Go state person. There is power in the flow state as one cannot exist without the other. And people in Flow must listen into the Go state person so that they can receive the signals from them. The state is one of receptivity and relax.

Tantra is a vast philosophy and as rich as the ancient tradition from which it stems.

🧘‍♀🧘‍♂

Practicing on your own will help you to:

- to draw in love

- feel more sexy and alive

- awaken your body to pleasure

- become a master lover so you can share this with another

You could spend a lifetime studying it and only ever scratch the surface.

I recommend starting now.

Defy rejection + date with confidence

Rejection is a big one.

😌

I wrote a post on it here and in a few other groups and heard lots from you about it so I decided to speak on how to not only manage rejection, but also how to learn from it.

Whether you’ve been dating for a while or if you’re jumping in the sea after some time on dry land, you’re likely to have come across it in one form or another.

And probably are doing your best to avoid it. Who wouldn’t? It hurts! 🤕

Thing is, that by trying to avoid it I’ll bet that you’re talking your way out of what might be opportunities to know some pretty fantastic people.

Learn how to take the sting out of rejection so that it no longer becomes a ‘thing’.

🐝

Dating will feel easier.

And you’ll feel more free to meet people that you’d like to know better.

👬👫👭

The gift of rejection:

The more we can love + accept the parts of us we ‘reject’ within ourselves, the stronger and more confident that we’ll become. Here’s how it works.

Deciphering rejection:

1. Feel the feels fully in your body. Allow the tough emotions to flow through you. Create space by breathing into the tightest places, moving + sounding out the sensations + emotions.

2. Ask yourself, what part of me can I love more? You can find this answer by recalling the negative thoughts that went through your head when you were rejected. Something like…’he probably thought I was too…’ or ‘she didn’t think I was (fill in the blank) enough.” That part of you that you guess might be too much or too little is exactly the part of you that needs acceptance + to be appreciated and loved by you.

3. Let go of the story. Let go of whatever you think it might all mean...about the other person...about you.

4. And love yourself EVEN MORE.

Expand into new ways of being – how to be a brighter you

Lousie’s work bridges Western philosophy and psychology and Eastern esoteric traditions and shamanism.
She knows the power of each and taps into both to help you understand what you learn.  

She does this so that you are able to take the gifts of the experience and apply them to your NOW so you can live the life you want.

You will learn practical ways to understand and fold the experiences you have into your life to support your own thriving.

- what it looks like when you experience a growth spurt (aka spiritual awakening)

- how to listen for what wants to 'emerge' when this happens

- and be with the feelings, thoughts and emotions that come with it

So that you can come into being a newer, brighter version of yourself instead of running away and pushing down what wants to come out.

We also speak about:

- expanded states of consciousness - from meditation to plan medicines

- and how to interpret the language and learnings that we experience in these states

So that new meaning can be brought into our lives.

Your sexy mind : reasonable, emotional and WILD

When we have sex, either with ourselves or with others, some of the most pleasurable experiences happen when all parts of us are ok with it.
By all parts of us, I mean all parts of our brain – and all parts of our being.

🧠❤🔥
In neuroscience we understand ‘all parts of our brain’ as the triune brain or 3 part brain (neocortex, limbic, reptilian 🦖 -- really?!!).

Similarly in ancient taoist tradition, our 3 energy centres (mind, heart + sex centres) must be ‘in alignment’ or in agreeance for us to experience the most powerful sex ever.

🧠❤🔥

Cutting-edge science meets ancient wisdom.

How sexy is that?

The Secret Lives of Men

I’ve begun to speak with, walk with and talk with more and more men through my work.
I’m here not to speak on their behalf – I’d not be able to do that accurately.
I’m here to communicate what I have felt and heard through these conversations and heart-to-hearts with some magnificent men. 👱‍♂🧔🏿👨🏻

Because the hearts of men are truly magnificent. ❤⚡💪🏼

And it’s their deepest desire to share their hearts with you. And love you from that depths of that most sacred of places.

And in order to do that and, for both them and for you thrive from this incredible gift of giving, you’re gonna need to be ready.

You’re going to have to let go of the expectation that a man is and always should be superhuman. Sometimes he is godlike and heroic beyond belief. 💪🏼
And other times he’s gloriously human. He experiences the full range of human emotion from rage to love to fear to courage to wisdom to longing to power to loneliness. 😐

And the bravest of men will show you all of this. 🎁🎁🎁

Because in this openness he’s taking the biggest risk of all – dismounting from the white horse to meet you at a heart level. 👸🏾🤴🏼

And when he dismounts from that horse, he all of a sudden becomes someone who can get hurt and falter. Who feels pain and doesn’t know quite what to do with it.
I know you. You are an incredible woman. You are learning to own your stuff. To do the work.
And in order to do that successfully it’s been necessary to be seen not as always perfect or right or having her shit together, but also in those moments where the cracks show. 😔

And so knowing what it takes to be powerful and fully loved and accepted exactly as you are, are you ready to do this for a man?

Because if what you long for is to be seen and loved for exactly who you are in all of you, I can confirm that men want precisely the same thing.

Learn to self-soothe – getting you back to good

One of the most difficult things about being single over the long run, is knowing that you’ve got to be self-reliant – for everything. 💪🏼

Sure you’ve probably got friends and family around for support. And I’m sure they are great – or as good as they can be. 👩‍👧‍👧 👨‍👩‍👧 👨‍👨‍👦

But sometimes in your darkest hours they can’t always be there. Maybe it’s too late at night to ring them or you feel that they are sweet, but they just don’t really understand you and what you’re feeling.

The truth of the matter is that even when you are in a relationship, that other person can’t be with you all the time to tell you it’s gonna be ok and that things will work out. In fact, sometimes the other person might have triggered in you anger, fear or sadness and you need some immediate TLC. 😮

Self-soothing is soooooo good. Because only you know exactly what you need to make you feel better.

And you are with yourself ALL THE TIME, so basically there’s always someone there to look out for you. 👭

So how do you find within yourself the ability to make yourself feel better? Especially when you feel like doo doo? 💩

Learn 6 (or more) ways to bring yourself back to good whether it’s recovering from a bad date or no date at all or when you just don’t feel so good. I’ll talk about:

1. Gentle touch

2. Non-linear movement

3. Golden light + love

4. Positive words / affirmations

5. Community + synchronised movement

6. Hugs

How to become a seductress in a day

Follow the 5 secret steps that we’ll guide you through and presto bang-o, in a few short hours a seductress you will be!!

Simple as that. Really, it is!

🤯

Don’t believe me?

If it were that easy, you’d already be seducing men left and right, you say? You’d be walking … or rather strutting … around the town as if you owned it. Slinking across bar tops and melting every gent in your path.

🍯

You’d have the supportive, sexy, exciting, expansive relationship that you’ve been craving.

And you could FINALLY once and for all, GET OFF THE APPS.

👯‍♀

Ok, so it might take a little longer than a few hours. You might need to practice a bit until it becomes second nature.

Truly owning all parts of ourselves takes a large amount of getting to know them and to love them. Kind of like when you meet an old friend or a new one, it takes a minute to recognise her and trust her and then finally confide in her and allow yourself to fully embrace her.

She’s in there. Your inner seductress yearns to be unleashed Set her free – she’s with you for life.

How to seduce like the French

I want to seduce like the French 🇫🇷 ❤

I want to become a masterful seductress. Powerful. Sensual. 

I want to…

“Wait!! Andrea are you telling me that you ...YOU ... want to seduce people? But I thought you were a woman of integrity?!!?’ 🤨🤔

I can hear you interrupt me, and protest my proclamation. 

“But seduction is a bad thing!! The kind of thing that draw us … lures us unwillingly into something dangerous. And then we’re caught and burned, like a moth to flame,” you say.

Well, thank the gods and goddesses for the French is my reply. 

Because to the French seduction is about expressing your inner essence as a woman. Not to manipulate or deceive, but to LIGHT THE WORLD ON FIRE…and draw in love so you can live the life of your dreams. 🔥

It's linked to a woman’s sensuality (also not a bad thing according to the French) and to her joy of life and living, her 'joie de vivre' as they say. 

In our culture we don’t often feel free to express ourselves fully as sensual beings. Women who are ‘too’ sensual, who express ardent sexual desire, who love sex are often shamed and labeled loose or easy or amoral.

And we view seduction too, in a negative light. The dictionary spells out seduction as:

taking away someone's innocence

debauching, corruption

dishonouring, ruin

😧😯😱

Well, I’d not want to seduce or be seductive either if it meant I was coming from a place of need or greed and was ‘out to get’ something from someone. 

So I want to seduce like the French. 

I want to express my own inner confidence, to come more and more into my power as a woman. 

✨💃🏻✨

And so I’ve decided to partner with a very seductive French woman (who also happens to be a hugely talented luxury jewellery designer+maker), Victoria von Stein to help bring out of us all that it is to be a woman: radiance, elegance, flow, joy, intelligence, charm, playfulness, lightheartedness, beauty, intensity, passion, love...and so much more.

Victoria von Stein speaks about how the French view seduction. 

How it's not forced or fake. 

How a seductive woman, 'une femme seduisante', is a very positive thing.  

Because you see, the beauty of seduction as we know it is that it brings the world alive. 

It’s fun and playful. It’s joyful. 

And the one seduced feels desired, loved and alive….as he enters into your beautiful world.

How to burn thru resistance + get the love you want

In this video you’ll learn 5 ways to burn through resistance in 2019 with fiery courageous love. 🔥

We have an intense desire for something – strong love, a lasting relationship, more connection + pleasure in sex.

It may be the thing that we want most in the world.

We may even have done some hard work on targeting what it is that is holding us back.

🎯

And (if you have a good coach - hehe!!) you’ve even outlined some simple things you can do to get you where you want to go.

But then all of a sudden you feel too tired to do them. You start to question whether it’s going to work. You procrastinate or feel bored with it all or annoyed that you’ve go to do this when for everyone else it came so easily.

😤

And so you RESIST.

Our minds are weird – how all of a sudden do we feel annoyed + bored with getting what we really want so badly?!!

🤨

Because change is a funny thing. It can feel scary and weird and in general our bodies and minds don’t like it.

🤯

Even if change means that we’re going to get something that we’ve wanted maybe even our entire lives.

😶

And so I’m dedicating the first part of my 2019 on burning through my OWN resistance.

Because without doing so, nothing else on my list for 2019 will happen!

And whilst I may have started my process off with jumping off a cliff, working through resistance can be much less dramatic and just as effective.

Unless of course you too would like to go for drama. ; )

😱

Feel sensational in bed by breathing in a whole new way

Let me be honest with you, when I first started to do a thing called “Breathwork” I HATED IT. 
I mean really, truly, fiercely hated it.

And yet it proved to be one of the keys to me opening up my body to pleasure after years of it slowly shutting down to sensation. 

On some level over the years I realised what was happening to my body. I’d stay the course, plowing through long hours of work and focus on a career that I loved. 

But it was too much computer time. Too little movement. Too much focus and not enough play. Not enough time outdoors. 🤕
Numbness took over. 

Years of it.

But with Breathwork as one of my basic yet super potent tools, I slowly broke through. 🤯

It didn’t happen overnight. 

And I still have a lot of resistance to doing Breathwork sometimes. Like going to the gym, you know it’s super good for you and you’ll feel better afterwards...it’s just so hard to GET there sometimes.  

But I keep at it. Because time and again I find it works.
It brings me back into my body. And allows me to feel whatever it is I need to feel so that I can get back to good again. 😌

And feel sexy and alive. And whole. 🌬

I talk about the breath. How it’s opened me up. How I still use it all the time in lovemaking and in life. 

I believe it’s the new yoga of our time. You might have already heard about it. And if you haven’t then come hear how it can help you too. 

How to have emotionally safe sex

So you've heard of ‘safe sex’. Condoms are it, right? Maybe you’ve even got into the habit of asking the consensual other if you could both share test results before having unprotected sex. 👏

And this is great. It all keeps you biologically safe.

But what about the protection that your mind, heart and soul need when you want to have sex with another?

Can you count on one hand, two ...or is it more… the number of times you’ve:

• Kissed someone when you weren’t ready

• Hugged someone when you didn’t want to

• Or slept with someone when you weren’t that into them, perhaps in the hopes that it would make you feel more alive in some way or at least you’d feel like a normal functioning human

Can you remember how you felt afterwards? 😔 Any one of the following come to mind: 

• Disappointment – it wasn’t what you’d hoped

• Disconnection from your body – if you just don’t let the yuckiness sink in and stay with you you can somehow disown the experience

• Feeling scared or extra vulnerable after sex

• Being left with the feeling that sex just isn’t that good and you don’t know why you even tried to do it in the first place

• A feeling of rejection or disgust with yourself, the other person or sex in general

You’ve probably just had ‘emotionally unsafe sex.’ 😯

Never heard of it? That’s ‘cause we just don’t talk about it. 

But if you are looking to fall in love, it’s one of the worst things you can do as you’ll most likely experience a general closing down of your heart to love. 😶

Not to mention the effects it has on your body as it relates to lovemaking, even when you are with someone you want to be with. 

And so, in the interest of getting you fully ready to let love in, I’ve invited Emma Spiegler, expert in the subject and fellow Sex, Love and Relationships Coach to teach us: 

🍒 How to recognise what not feeling emotionally safe feels like in the body
🍒 How to make more informed decisions to know how to choose emotional safety
🍒 How to start to practice saying yes and no (even if it’s just a kiss)

So that when it comes down to falling in love you’ll feel strong and ready to dive in with an open heart that is, at the same time, deeply protected. ❤

How to find calm when the sea of love is rough and tumbles

We all get to a point in our lives when things feel too heavy to bear. When our breath draws short and our minds feel unable to navigate the twists and turns of all that is happening within and outside of us. 😔

It might happen in the early stages of dating or in a bit later in love or very far down the line. 

The fact of the matter is that connection with another, true connection where you show your heart even when it’s risky...especially when it’s risky...can turn things upside down in a minute. Or seconds. 

And you find yourself unable to breathe. Forget about thinking as your mind races or slows to numbness. 🤯 And it all feels unbearably weighty. 

Like you can’t move. 

The chances of feeling overwhelmed by emotion when travelling towards deep love are pretty high. 🏋‍

I teach a quick simple practice taken from mindfulness that allows all of the above to happen, but also creates some space and within that space some peace even as you hold, feel, and experience intense emotion. ❤

It’s helped me catch my breath again and come back to balance, even if only for a moment, when the going gets tough. 

And this has made all the difference. 

It doesn’t necessarily fix things, but it does bring some sense of calm in the midst of it all. And within this a sense of deep love. 

And you learn to hold yourself through, however imperfectly, the eye of the storm. 🌪

With love, calm and some stormy clouds 🌬

Vulnerability - a key ingredient to love

I cried in the arms of my boyfriend last weekend.

For a while I tried really hard not to. And didn’t even realise it.

But he felt it anyway. In my kiss and in our touch. 

He asked what was wrong. 

And as always, with quite a bit of hesitation, I told him I wanted to see him more. We both lead really busy lives and love what we do. 

‘Well that doesn’t sound that bad,’ you might be thinking to yourself. 

Well actually, it kind of is. Because I know that Naz fell in love with a strong, independent woman. Someone who could hold herself up and be on her own. 🏄‍

He’s the same. It’s one of the reasons why I fell in love with him. 🏋‍

But this fierce independent spirit of mine is also points to a source of my deepest vulnerability.

I’m not supposed to ‘need’ more time with him. I’m not supposed to need anything from anyone, really. One of my biggest fears is appearing (and feeling) needy or clingy or dependent. 

It would make me look weak and possibly less desirable in his eyes. 🐭

And then he’d no longer want me. 

And I’d lose love. 

So that’s a pretty big deal. 

In this video I talk about how falling in love, whether you are dating or in a relationship, requires quite a large degree of vulnerability. Not the clingy, needy kind where you expect the other person to pick you up, but the brave open-heartedness kind. 

The kind of vulnerability that means opening your heart to yourself. To the parts of you that feel like they might cause you to be rejected or unloved. So that by acknowledging them, meeting them, softening around and allowing them to be you can finally loving yourself for them.

When I took the risk with Naz and showed him a part of me I’d been trying to hide and deny, my defences were down. 

And down also came that thin but very present wall between us. 

And we both opened once more back into the love that is always there.