What truly determines happiness in relationships isn't whether you fight or not – it's this

‘There’s something that I want to talk to you about,’ Naz says to me via WhatsApp one evening. 

‘It feels like we’re not as connected. I feel the distance. There’s lots changing and we’ve not spoken about it,’ he continues. 

Naz is right. And in that moment, my hero. I’d felt the distance too, but instead of acknowledging it, I could feel myself retreat deeper and deeper into me. My own adaptation to intensity when things shake and tremble in intimate relationships.  

“‘What matters is not that we have ruptures [ in relationships ], but how we repair them.’”

— Jessica Fern

Relationships are not static. They undergo cycles of harmony - disharmony - and repair. And whilst I knew this to be normal, I’m human too. And am so not perfect (despite my efforts) at doing this relationship thing. 

What truly matters in determining the happiness and resilience of a relationship is not that we never disagree, or mess up in ways that cause us to lose connection

But how quickly and skilfully we can find our way back to one another. 

It’s this ability to ‘repair’ builds confidence, trust, safety, security – and satisfaction in relationships. 

And Naz knows that even if the conversation will be difficult for us, that it’s going to be a safe to have. 

And ultimately will bring us closer together. 

He knows this because we’ve learned how to be vulnerable with one another, to communicate openly and honestly, to respect and honour each other’s truths. 

Those couples who are better and faster at repair work makes the for happiest couples. And being ‘better’ means regularly ‘filling your emotional bank account’ by cherishing your partner and being kind to them according to the Gottman Institute Research

We’re both willing to admit responsibility, learn from what went wrong and approach each other with humility and openness. 

We value repair more than being right or proving the other wrong.
We value connection more than the problem itself. 

Our repairs aren’t perfect. There’re messy and sloppy and tear-filled. 

But they don’t have to be perfect. 

They just have to be genuine. 

And our attitude towards one another, and intention when we come together to work it through is full of presence and consideration and love. 

Even if what we hear may hurt. 

If you’re interested in learning more about how you learned to love, then I recommend the following sources :  

The Attachment Project

An online resource with a few workbooks to get you moving forward

Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy

My current favourite book on attachment (it is excellent for monogamous people and also includes great guidance for polyamourous folks)

And whilst information is great, active practice through coaching support is incredibly powerful (if I do say so myself). If you’d like my insights, time and focus on you and your unique experiences of love, then write to me here and I’ll share with you how we can work together through one-to-one coaching. 

The 4 Attachment styles: Discover yours – and change it

“What do you mean I’m avoidant…I’d do ANYTHING…for a relationship right now. 

Avoiding one is the last thing I’m doing, it’s just that…”

And herein would begin the looooooong list of reasons why it was so hard to find love, the right kind of love. 
From…There just aren’t that many single guys my age out there anymore. 

To a list of expectations that a potential partner have x, y and z all in place when he first appears in front of me, otherwise I’m not going to waste my time on another dead-end date. 
The actual reasons why I was single for so many years sat much deeper within me. And learning about my main attachment style (avoidant) was like a wake-up call to it. 

Turns out that it all wasn’t so black and white, however. 
Because the minute someone ticked a good number of my boxes and showed a possible interest in me, this love ‘avoidant’ shifted swiftly over into the ‘anxious attacher’ mode. 
I’d begin to ask myself an incessant stream of questions like: 

Would he call again? Would there be a second date? What if he moved back to…what if I moved back to…what if it worked out…what if it didn’t.

Sound familiar? 

Turns out many of us exhibit a mash-up of styles when it comes to attachment and love. 

In this post, I’ll cover some of the main characteristics of the four different attachment styles. And how your style might show up in how you date and experience love. 

The 4 attachment styles

Avoidant attachers

• Appear independent, confident, and self-sufficient and avoid strong displays of closeness and intimacy.

• Will let you be around them, but will not let you in as they have difficulty sharing intimate details of their lives.

• As soon as things get serious they tend to close themselves off and start drifting off and distancing themselves or

• Begin to find faults with their partner or get annoyed by them. 

• They believe that they do not need emotional intimacy in their lives.

Anxious attachers

• Harbor strong fears of rejection or abandonment, have low self-esteem and need reassurance that they are loved, worthy, and good enough.

• Appear clingy, desperate, preoccupied as relationships might be both ‘life-saving’ and ‘life-threatening’ and can feels like you are on an emotional roller-coaster ride all the time

• The presence of a romantic partner appears to be a remedy for strong emotional needs

• Blinded by potential partners and put them on a pedestal choosing not to see what’s really there, have difficulty discerning and go on too many dates when writing is on the wall.

• Intensely jealous or suspicious of their partners and are insecure and anxious about their own worth in a relationship.

Disorganised attachers

• People who have been physically, verbally, or sexually abused in their childhood struggle to trust others and develops when the child’s caregivers – the only source of safety – become a source of fear.

• Moves between and lives aspects of both avoidant and anxious styles

• Desires love and acceptance but at the same time holds a deep fear that those closest to them will hurt them

• Believes that rejection, disappointment, and hurt in relationships are expected and inevitable – it’s just a matter of when

• Holds a negative view of themselves, others and the world around them 

Secure attachers

• Stays around long enough to understand whether the person is right for them or not by regulating emotions and feelings and holds an inherent optimism and positivity.

• Knows when to call it quits if the other person doesn’t rise to meet them e.g. asks the avoidant to make more time and share more; asks the anxious attacher to self-hold around fear of being left or unloved. 

• Knows how to connect and communicate clearly and open up and share feelings vulnerably when things feel off. Comfortable with closeness and mutual support and dependency. And also time alone for personal exploration.

• Knows what they are about in life, their impact and the purpose they want to fulfill outside of the relationship whilst also recognizing the value and importance of intimate connection and healthy relationships. 

• Strong capacity to reflect on how they are being in a relationship and make shifts and changes to strengthen love and inspire desire. 

Go deeper

Questions for contemplation: 

• Which of these four attachment styles feel most congruent with your experience of dating and love?

• Can you recognise the attachment style of those you have dated or had a relationship with? 

• How might being aware of attachment styles begin to shift how you date, love or relate to others? 
  

Work with me

Work with me one-to-one or check out my group coaching programme Roadmap to Relationships where you learn powerful tools and practices to move into a more secure way of relating.

It still does feel a bit ironic that I had a predominantly ‘avoidant’ attachment style when love was the thing that I wanted most in my life. 

The good news is, I changed it. Found love. And am still in it. And so can you. 

Further reading:

If you want to read and learn more on Attachment Theory then I recommend these excellent resources which informed this post:

The Attachment Project

Polysecure by Jessica Fern

Can you really 'have it all' in love?

“I disagree with those who say ‘you can really have it all’ when it comes to relationships,” she said.

“There’ll always be a catch,” insisted another woman in our circle.

And then left unspoken but loud as a bell, “So is what I want even worth trying for if it’s impossible to have?”

My answer:

YES there will always be ‘challenge’ in relationships.

YES there will always be ‘a catch’…or two…three, but at least one big one.

And HELL YES healthy intimate relationships are still worth it – BECAUSE OF, not despite of all of that

You see, what often challenges us in relationships is stuff within us that wants to be seen and healed. 

Stuff that only comes forward when we're dating or in an intimate relationship. 

And so love, or even the promise of love, offers us a unique opportunity to see what wants to be seen. And to learn and grow from it so that we ultimately become more of who we truly are. 

Love demands we turn towards the tough stuff and get real with it.

When you do, you often get to know parts of yourself that you've not seen before. 

And practice important stuff like defining and keeping boundaries, asking for what you want and receiving what you need, learning to be more vulnerable with another and creating the safety and space for them to do the same. 

And if you work with the challenges, the catch skilfully, with great awareness, and sometimes with external support (yep, from coaches like me) you’ll end up feeling more fully YOU, more whole and complete. 

THIS I believe, is where ‘wholeness’ in relationships comes from.

It's less (if at all) about the other person ‘completing you’, and much more about the other person helping you to see and become more of who you truly are as you are with the things surface between you.

And this sense of true wholeness can not be taken away, no matter what happens in love.

You are always 100% you. <3

PS. If you’re thinking to yourself, ‘Sounds great but what exactly do I do when I feel ‘the challenge’ in dating and relationships’, the answer is to develop the self-awareness, practical skills and tools necessary to navigate ‘the catch’’ when it shows up.

And I’m here to help with this.

Whether you are single and dating or in a long-term relationship, one-to-one coaching with me is a way for you to gain all of the wisdom and guidance you'll need to find, keep and thrive in the kind of love you want.

Message me and let’s talk about getting you the love you want.

3 simple ways to experience more healthy blissful pleasure daily

I invite you to give yourself radical permission to experience more pleasure – in both big and small ways – daily. 

This is so that you live and love to your fullest – dating feels easier, relationships and connection flow more, and you’ll experience a greater sense of wholeness, nourishment and satisfaction. 

Often we are resistant to pleasure. It can feel unfamiliar to allow ourselves to fully go there.

Or like an indulgence that, if experienced too much, might somehow be unsafe or dangerous. 

These narratives of course, are counter to the numerous studies that have proven how pleasure is immeasurably good for our bodies, hearts and minds.

So to get you started, here are a few small ways to get on the path to pleasure:

Surround yourself with small pleasure-providing ‘objects’

And pick them up throughout the day

Gather items that engage your sense of touch in a beautiful way and place them around the rooms of your home. When you pass them by, take a minute to stroke your forearms or your face with a texture that feels good.

Simple objects that work great for this: 

Feathers: Keep some feathers (peacock / ostrich / a feather boa) in a vase on your desk

Silks (faux or otherwise) : and satin-like scarves

Furs (faux or otherwise) : a soft fluffy rug to run your feet through as you sit at your desk during the day is an easy way to get a hit of pleasure

2 minute sunrise / sunset touch to connect with your body 

Build your heart / womb connection and experience the nourishing pleasure of wholeness

Open and close your day with 2 minutes of connected conscious touch. Set snooze on your alarm for 2 minutes in the morning and a timer in the evening before you drop off to sleep. 

Use these 90 seconds to connect with your body gently in the following way: 

A simple gesture of erotic love to self is to place one hand on your heart and the other at your sex centre at the level of your womb. 

Send the love from your heart down through your body to your womb. 

Pick up nourishing soft womb energy and send this energy mixed with the love from your heart right back up your body completing a love circle. 

Set a pomodoro ‘pleasure timer’  and dance, dance, dance

And take lots of mini-breaks to move your body throughout the day

When I co-work with other women via Zoom, we use the pomodoro method to keep a rhythm with work that ensures we focus and also get breaks. On those 5 minute breaks, we put on some music and move our bodies in whatever way feels good. 

Movement is key to keeping energy flowing throughout your body. 

And dance brings joy…and yes, pleasure. 

I would argue that the future of work is to do what feels most exciting, joyful and blissful in our bodies, hearts and minds. 

Love has already worked this out.

If you struggle to find love, or are in a relationship and could use some support with experiencing more pleasure in it, send me a message. I can help.

6 ways to feel more feminine – connect with the Queen within

When we play in the space of the feminine with the purpose of amplifying more of her within us, it can be extremely helpful to tap into the different ways that she shows up in the world and move from those set points or archetypes.

You can think of an archetype as a description or typology of the feminine as it manifests or is expressed in the world. Simply put, archetypes represent the many ways that feminine energy shows up in the world. 

In the 6 archetypes expressed below*, you may recognise aspects of yourself that you express easily. 

And others that feel foreign or ‘just not you’. I challenge you to play in the space of each of these and expand into your potential to uniquely express each.  

In actual fact, all of the ways of ‘woman’ already exist within you. It’s just that some aspects are expressed and realised more fully than others. 

Now is your chance to expand into more of you and the feminine aspect you hold within. 

Queen of Love – The Romantic

She is sensual and soft and moves through the cycles of life with easy pleasure. She has deep passion and easy beauty that comes from the inside out. She’s a dreamer and a creative visioner of what could be. 

She is pure love, warmth, innocence and has a heart that’s full and ready to give. She receives gestures of love of all forms with grace and goodness. 

She captivates and draws love in through her sweet effervescence. 

Queen of Power – The Huntress

She is at once fiercely independent, a natural leader in life and an incredible partner in love. 

She is not afraid to take risks and is naturally confident in decision making. 

She knows who and what she is, holds clear boundaries and commands respect from those around her. Her heart is generous and she holds a natural balance between mind, body and spirit. She moves easily in her body and is in flow with the natural movement of her world.

Queen of Seduction – The Sensualist

This woman transforms passionate play into deeper relationships and harness the power of the sacred erotic for this purpose. 

She is fully connected to joy and to pleasure as it’s experienced through the body. She is companion and confidante both in love. Luxury and abundance are hers to have and to enjoy fully. She is extroversion and mystery both and the paradox is intoxicating. He naturally attracts attention, emanates sensuality and captivates with little or no effort at all. She feels good in her body and embraces who and what she is including how she looks with generosity and gratitude. She loves who she is and this makes it easy for others to as well. 

Queen of Wisdom – The Sage

She is wise from lived experience and knowledge acquired over time. She is committed to deeper purpose, knows her values and stays connected to her truth. She holds practiced mastery in realizing her vision. She is strategic, resourceful and has perspective and objectivity. Her depth fascinates and the sense of mystery she holds is layered and intensely alluring. She cultivates community and belonging creating stability through shared connection. 

Queen of Creation – The Mother

She is nurture, protection and creation. An excellent listener, compassionate and a natural giver, she fosters lasting heart-centered relationships easily. She is grounded, stabilizing, and it feels safe and nourishing to be by her side. She knows how to take care of herself so that she can enjoy her life fully – and also be there for others as this gives her great joy. She has a gift for healing heart and soul and is loved and appreciated for this. She perseveres and can endure by grounding into herself and the natural world around her. 

Queen of Wild – The Mystic

The Queen of Wild connects easily with the natural world and the life that runs through it, grounding her in safety, deep connection with the earth and its inherent stability. She moves with the cycle of the seasons, deeply in tune with the constant of change. This rhythm is her flow. Untamed and free in her expression, she surrenders to spirit, to ecstasy and orgasmic bliss. The cosmos too moves within her. She never questions herself and welcomes the magic and mystery of the unknown with open arms. This deep connection with all that is gives her a sense of inner peace and calm even as she surrenders wholly to the unpredictable wildness of life and existence.

*Informed and inspired by the work of Ayesha K. Faines and Layla Martin.

Love abroad: 6 ways to date internationally whether you are home or away

I’ve been asked by quite a few people lately, how they can date outside – faaarrr outside – of their geo. 

The reasons the people I talked to wanted to look across borders for love included: 

• Desire for a lifestyle that is more international in nature

• And that includes not just travel abroad but the possibility of living in a foreign country

• They find the dating pool where they live too small and limited
  

As a woman who has spent almost half of her life living abroad (and the other half dreaming of it), I got super excited when writing this post. 

Below are 6 ways that you can begin to build a bridge from here to there. And perhaps find love along the way. 

Start close to home…

Attend ex-pat parties

A (now-married) couple that I know met in Florida at a European ex-pat gathering and now live in Italy together (after experiencing Paris and London). Ok, so they might actually move back to Florida after all of that, but the point is, they met ‘at home.’ 

I did this tons in my college years because I went to school in the middle of nowhere in Massachusetts (the scent of cow dung often filled the air) and had already at that tender age developed an insatiable desire for ‘otherness’ that ironically felt like home. 

Hint: Yes, you can go to expat activities even if you’re not an expat. The couple I mentioned were both Americans born and raised in the US, though now they both hold two passports each. 

Do a language exchange

I’ve done this one – in Japan and Italy both. Get back on Meetups.com and search for a language exchange Meetup near you. It’s way better than Duolingo and you’re hitting two birds with one stone. How I love efficiency.

Dating apps – set your location to the place of your choice

Set up some dates for yourself in the country you’re targeting before your next trip there. A friend of mine has road tested this (no pun), and had a great time securing some dates on an exploratory trip to Paris before she moved there for good. She discovered that French guys dig her style, and that the city suits her as well. 

And you can always get on the apps when you are en situ to see who’s around. 

Get on the road…

Live the lifestyle – Join a community of digital nomads

Get out there. Go to the place that you dream of. And do it with others who share your spirit of adventure – and your work/lifestyle ethic. Join an organisation like Live Beyond – ‘We provide a physical and social environment for remote co-working, co-living and traveling, designed to enhance productivity, well-being and personal growth through experiential learning and behavioral change.’ And immerse yourself with like-minded, like-hearted others.

Get active on holiday – Join the crowd

Running groups, the local tennis leagues, hiking clubs, the opportunities to let the endorphins loose and fuel the flames of desire whilst on holiday abroad abound. Hook up with your group of choice on Meetup, FB, Insta, or ask your AirBnB host or hotel if they know of any they’d recommend you check out. 

Volunteer – Support the local community and meet other kind humans

I poached this idea from a friend of mine who is a phenomenal woman in many ways. One of which is that she seeks out volunteer activities in the new communities she embeds herself in as a way to give back and to get to know the local culture and people up front and personal from the inside out.  

Now that you’re in the groove, there are a few things to look out for when dating in foreign lands. And ways to get the most out of the experience. More on that in the next post. 

In the meantime, enjoy the adventure, ma cherie. 

5 ways to be single on Valentine’s that actually feel good

Valentines, like other big holidays – New Years especially – was especially tough on me when I was single. Same for you, ? 

I’m also someone who struggles with SAD (seasonal affective disorder), and so it would feel like a double whammy to get a day that celebrated love that just wasn’t happening mashed right into the middle of the deepest darkest coldest days of winter in the northern hemisphere.

Here are a few ways that helped me counter the effects of long-term solitude. And that didn’t involve internet dating, speed dating, blind dates, or dates at all.

5 ways to play on Valentine’s weekend:

Do what you love – and move that body

Plan an activity (hiking, snowshoeing, rock climbing) or a sports match (I’ve got tennis booked in) with someone you are evenly matched with. Smash it out on the court or field. Walk to your heart’s content – move. And enjoy the pure joy of being in your body.

Meet your erotic edge

Learn something new like pole dancing, a strip tease class, burlesque, belly dancing. The playground to safely explore expression is much more accessible and available than it ever has been. Take advantage and step in.

Community, community, community

I can’t say it enough. Surround yourself with either close friends who have positive vibes or with an extended network of people that feel fun to hang with. I know it’s not the same as the company that’s kept with an intimate other, but it sure as hell is helpful in feeling more human. Connection is key.

Indulge your 5 senses

Yes, a beauuuuutiful warm soothing Ayurvedic massage, your fav Spotify list of gentle melodious hang drum beats, a box of your favourite champagne truffles, a colourful bouquet of blooms that you know one day will be gifted to you – for now gift yourself. Move through all 5 of those gorgeous senses of yours. 

Take yourself on a date and love yourself down

No time like the present in making way for the future. Got a play you’ve been wanting to see for ages (tickets for 1 are easier to find)? Or an obscure museum you’ve been meaning to visit? Then mosey on over to a lovely little cafe with some scrumptious looking cakes you’ve been wanting to try forever. The focus is on you here, but there’s no rule against making eyes with your fellow caffeine consumers. Just for fun. 

The point in all of this: we’re lifting you all up so you feel good body, heart, mind, soul just as you would were you to already have what you want. Know it’s coming. And in the meantime, live life as if it’s already here – full and lush. 

 PS. Roadmap to Relationships is a group coaching course that’s there to help you take the first step and then the next, towards love.

PPS. If group coaching isn’t for you but you still want help when it comes to relationships and intimacy, get in touch and learn how private coaching can help you create healthy, nourishing long-term love that lasts. 

Modern Love = Closeness + Distance. How to manage the paradox of intimacy

Most of us know by now that the desire for safety and security in a long-term relationship is counterbalanced with the desire for adventure and excitement. 

Too much safety and we feel bored. 

Too much excitement and we feel destabilised. 

To help you manage the paradox, I break it down and share the components of cultivating each end of the stick.

Cultivating closeness

Closeness in love feels ‘like home’ / security / safety / steadiness / support

• Presence

• Connection

• Communication

Presence

How much of you is ‘in the room’ with the other person. Is your body there but your mind somewhere else? Is your heart in it, but you never have time to actually be with the other? 

Presence shows up on the physical, emotional and mental levels. When you are with your partner, be intentional about being there fully so you actually feel together. 

Connection

Connection, like presence, happens most when you can be with yourself as much as you can be with the other. If you are connected to your own heart, for example, then it’s possible to connect to the heart of another.

Connection can happen in simple ways that take just a moment, like intentional touch and meeting another’s gaze, holding one another and synchronising your breathing, or through shared activities like dancing together. 

Communication

Communication that is open, honest and raw in its truthfulness is key. And it’s one of the most difficult things to do in intimate relationships when we feel there is so much at stake. What makes open communication possible is cultivating  the ability to recognize when you get triggered, understand why it’s happening, hold yourself through it or take time out, and respond from a place of steadiness.

It sounds simple and is one of the most challenging things for most people, so if you struggle with it then get in touch and we’ll talk about how to work through it. 

Cultivating distance

Distance in love supports eros, desire, passion, adventure / challenge

• Autonomy and purpose

• Community (yep, community is sexy!)

• Newness

Autonomy and purpose

There is nothing more attractive than when a person stands in their own power and knows their purpose – or is on their way to determining it. When we see our potential partner standing forward, aligned and centered in their core, clear on what they stand for even if they aren’t quite sure of which way to go with it, then we both admire and desire them.  

Community

We are complex beings, us humans. And as strong and powerful as we are, we are not here to do this thing called life alone. Yes, it is important that your intimate partner is there for you. It’s also important that you have a reliable network of close friends and / or family to reach out to. And in addition, a looser community or group of people that you come to to share in activities, interests, business building, etc. 

When you have a wide base of support around you, you feel more space and freedom to love the person you are closest to. And they feel able and capable of being there for you. And when they can’t (because we’re human), you have a net to fall into. 

Newness

Stay curious. About life. About love. About the other person. If you approach life with curiosity, inquisitiveness and a desire to learn, explore and understand more, then living this with your partner becomes part of the growth and expansion that is available for you to experience both individually and together. Get out there. Try new things. Do them together. Do them separately then come together and share your experience. It’s part of our nature as humans to grow and evolve. Make this not only part of who you are but part of your relationship too.

Explore. And don’t stop. 

Ester Perel’s work has illuminated this understanding beautifully. And is in part the inspiration for this post.

You don't have to lose your independence (or power) to be in a relationship

One of the biggest fears that I hear from strong, independent women is that they’ll have to give up their independence if they are in a relationship.

They say this with such a fierce determination and defensiveness that I can’t help but feel beneath their words.

I feel fear that with that loss of independence, they’ll also lose their power.

I’m writing this post at the time of the harvest moon. The Autumn Equinox.

There’s a bit of a chill to the air and a sparkling sunshine that warms my face and softens that edge just a little. What perfect balance.

Balance is what yesterday’s Equinox, which marked the shift from one season to the next, is all about.

And balance in relationships, and the power balance in particular is what I’ve been exploring in Jade Bliss and with my private coaching clients.

How can we feel power ‘with’ a potential partner. And what does that look like exactly?

As a woman who’s empowered and independent, what does inter-dependence look like when she’s no longer single?

• What does power feel like?

• How might our sense of it shift when we’re in an intimate relationship?

• What space wants to be created in body, heart and mind to allow for the WITH without losing any of the I or me

We’ve been brought up on power OVER

• Countless generations of women who’ve had to submit / give up / sacrifice for marriage and partnership

• Patriarchy outside of the home, which in so many forms which serves no one well – men included

• Competition from a young age at school and having survival of the fittest instilled in our beings

I’ll admit it, it’s taken my body a minute this week to adjust to longer nights as the sun rises later in the day. 

The harvest moon, full bright and powerful this month made me extra jittery and disrupted my normally solid sleep pattern. 

Balancing is taking a minute when it comes to understanding power as a woman in an intimate relationship.

And so might it with you. 

Perhaps get pencil to paper

And then set body to movement

As you ponder the question :

'How does 'power with' feel in you: body heart soul energy?'

It’s a new season for humankind.

Here is one more turning of the dial.

How will you live it? In love as in life?

So that you can have independence and feel empowered within relationship.

Whilst benefitting from the potential for growth in a healthy, intimate relationship as you experience steady support in becoming even more powerful than you were on your own.

We’re not here to do it alone.

And whilst togetherness does not have to come through intimate relationships, it is a beautiful and life-changing thing when it does.

How the stories you tell yourself keep you from love – and how to change that

It hit me like a cold, hard slap in the face. 

‘Is that the story you’re telling yourself?, she asked me.’

What the f*ck did she mean, ‘the story.’

I had recounted the cold, hard, facts truthfully to my coach…facts which stung, btw.

Facts like: 

> I had been on date after date after date. Well over 100. 

> I had liked …ok not that many… but actually enough of those men I’d have happily gone on 2nd dates with to see where it might lead. 

> And none of these dates had gone anywhere. 

Based on the facts

The evidence so painfully and clearly written before me

Year after year

Failed date after failed date

I had come to the conclusion that 

• I’m just not that good with men

• I’m just not attractive in that way

• And anyway, I’m better on my own

I do good as ‘me’, single, independent, balanced, happy. 

The end. 

That was my story. 

And it’s the same story that I hear from clients over and over again. 

Except that I couldn’t accept the ending of the story – and neither do the people I work with.  

The ending being

Living our lives.

Alone. 

Forever. 

The truth is, until we learn how to shift our stories

Learn how to look at the past differently

And tell a new story about it

Based on new truths

Things simply do not change. 

So that there’s more possible endings…and beginnings

Things don’t change. 

‘So tell me what else is true,’ my coach asked. 

Errrmmmm well … I was hesitant. 

The truth was, it felt more comfortable being the victim of my story than writing any other role for myself in it. 

I could feel my heels digging in. 

I felt tired. Exhausted. 

Like some sort of inner battle was waging 

But I couldn’t see clearly who was fighting. 

My story served me. 

It made me feel powerful.

It reminded me that ‘I could ‘do life’ on my own and be just fine.’

But was telling this same story over and over again, helping me now? 

HELL no.

So I began to re-write the story, however reluctantly. 

‘I had a pretty good time on that date and I thought it went well but I’ve not heard back from him and he didn’t reply to my text so….maybe…

> He really liked me and kind of freaked out

> He went on the date even though he’s not really ready for a relationship

> He’s got something going on I can’t see, but I’m going to trust this is for the better

> Maybe, just maybe, it’s about him and not about me. 

The old story would have sounded like: 

> I’m just not that attractive to men. 

> I should have been more __________ (fill in blanks). 

> Maybe I was too ____________(fill in blanks). 

> Why is it easier for __________(fill in various names of other women who seemed good at this)

Now don’t get me wrong, I still knew that I’d have to change or shift things within me if I wanted to see different results in love and life. 

After all, I was the common denominator, the main character in this lifetime of stories. 

And I knew that I had to do things differently. 

But the changes I needed to make looked different than I’d imagined. 

Starting with this thing about storytelling. 

So I began to write new stories for myself

Beginning with small edits to the script (because changing the whole damn story all at once didn’t feel good to me). 

As I edited my story over and over again, new possibilities emerged. 

Possibilities like: 

> Maybe it’s not all about me, maybe it’s about them too

> I hold a unique flavour of beauty, and I’m attractive in my own way (once I owned this one from the inside out, it became my new normal – I turned heads and knew I was alluring)

> It’s great to know that I’m ace at being single and can ‘do this’ on my own, so it’s ok to take a risk and open myself up more. I can always go back to being single if it doesn’t work out. 

Now, after years of focus on self-development and through professional study, I know that the way that I was telling my story and how I felt about it are a normal part of human functioning.

And though normal, not one that we have to submit to once we are aware of what is going on. 

So if you feel stuck when it comes to relationships and love, begin to ask yourself the following questions

To detect whether you are telling yourself a story

To see if there might be an opportunity for you to ‘change the script’

And actively create possibilities for a new ending

• What story do you find yourself telling over and over again about love, relationships and sex? Do you sound like a broken record? If yes, welcome to your story.

• What do you insist on as true?

• Which truths serve and empower you?

• Which ones feel limiting and debilitating?

• What would you say to the part of you that holds on to fear? To the part of you that wants to dream?

• What becomes possible when you begin to look at things differently?

• What opportunities open up?

New stories will, at the very least, break a pattern of thought that has long held you back. 

They will pave the way for and open you up to new possibilities. 

So that you might actually get the ending to the story that you want. 

Let me help you become aware of the stories you’re telling yourself and support you in the process of writing new ones in a way that feels grounded, realistic and true to you. 

Sign up for a 15 minute chat with me and we’ll talk about how.

And if you want to learn about why / how our brains craft and interpret stories, here’s the neuroscience on it.

If you feel out of practice in the bedroom, here’s how to boost your confidence

If you’re feeling out of practice when it comes to the art of intimacy, know that you are not alone. 

I work with many women and men both who have spent much of their adult lives single, and / or have had long stretches of voluntary abstinence from sex. These gorgeous, sexy people often feel that they don't have enough experience to ‘perform’ in a way that they felt their potential mate might expect from someone their age.

If this was not the case for you before the pandemic, it may be so now post 18 months more or less of restrictions from intimate connection due to Covid. I was recently asked by the Metro to comment on this.

So here are some ways that you can feel more confident in the bedroom whether you’ve had loads of experience (and now feel ‘out of shape’) or none at all. 

Experience doesn't really matter

How two people are intimate with each other is unique and the way your needs, wants and desires are met translates into a unique intimate experience. 

Considering this, you will never recreate the same experience you’ve had with one person, with someone else. 

What's important is for you and your partner to build your own relationship of trust and intimacy based on your mutual connection.

How you love is what makes you unique

Expression of love and intimacy is a beautiful thing and the qualities that make you unique - maybe even the things that you see as weaknesses - are what draw people to you. Give space to the evolving trust and recognise the strength that lies in your own qualities.

Allow for the unknown

It's normal to be fearful of what might - or might not happen. But you should also allow for and embrace the unknown because that's the space where excitement and anticipation and desire flourish.

Let the cat out of the bag

If you feel awkward or hesitant about being intimate with someone again after a long time, it can actually bring you closer if you share what you are feeling. It’s highly likely that the other person shares your sentiment. Or is experiencing some hesitation and uncertainty. 

If you are courageous enough to name your experience, even if it feels vulnerable and scary, then know that this often builds trust, safety and connection. Key elements to having better sex. Especially if what you want is an experience that is connected and pleasure-filled. 

Rediscover your own intimacy

It's important that you connect and reconnect intimately with your own body to understand what you need or want, and the physical responses that such intimacy triggers. 

This helps to encourage confidence and makes the invitation to someone to share that space with you much easier

Take all the time you need

Most people who have not had an intimate relationship for some time lack confidence. It's okay to take things slowly. Begin with simple touches and gestures that allow you to learn about each other's responses and don't create pressure to 'perform'.

Remember, you're not alone

If you would like support in building confidence in the bedroom and / or would like to expand your experience of pleasure, do get in touch and book in a discovery call. I support men and women both in this in both one-to-one coaching as well as through powerful group work.

You are not alone.

All about lube Part 2 - What is the right kind to use when

If you’re anything like me, you are super careful about what you put into or onto your body.

I prefer natural, organic, chemical-free products because yes, my body is a temple.

And so, whilst I prefer to use natural oils like coconut as lube, it’s not the best choice for everyone.

Choose your lube carefully depending on whether you’re going for a sexy experience with a toy or condoms, and how your body reacts to whatever you put on it or in it.

Here’s what medical herbalist and natural intimate lubricant creator Kathie Bishop has to say about which lube to choose.

Do I need a different type of lube if I'm using a toy versus sex with a condom versus no protection with a trusted partner?

In general, the answer is yes. There are four main types of lubricant available and they each have their own features:

Water

Good for use in virtually all situations, water based lubricants are safe for use even with condoms and toys and generally won’t stain the sheets… Might not be long lasting enough though for anal play (the anus doesn’t have a mucosal lining, and therefore doesn’t produce any of its own lubrication so always needs generous lubricant application).

Silicone

Also long lasting and often hypoallergenic, this can be more suitable for water based play and anal sex. Definitely not suitable for use with toys!

Hybrid

These lubes are water based with a small amount of silicone, making a creamy texture, which combines the best aspects of both types, long lasting lubrication and versatility. Some maybe suitable for use with toys but always to do a patch test first!!!

Oil

Very long lasting, great for low reapplication rate, an oil based lube can be great for massage too – just not for condom use! It can also play havoc with the vaginal pH.

What kind of lube is right for me + how can I decide?  

There are a few factors that you might want to consider when choosing your lube such as what you want to use it for, where and with whom/what. And don’t forget, you can buy more than one for use in different situations!

Do you have any sensitivities?

Many women know if they have any vaginal sensitivities or irritation, but some women only realise when they have a reaction to a product. If you do have these kinds of sensitivities, look for lubes that avoid glycerine or promises such as warming, flavour or tingling etc. Instead look for a lube that promises to be pH balanced to intimate pH of between 3.8 – 4.5, and has an osmolarity of less than 380mOsm/kg – meaning that it will not dry out vaginal tissues.

You may also want to avoid lubes with any of these ‘nasties’ as ingredients.

Is natural important to you?

Vaginal mucosa is some of the most absorbent tissue of the body – meaning that a high percentage of what goes on it, gets into the bloodstream. You should be totally fine with whatever lube you use to get into your mouth too! With this in mind, are natural, non-toxic ingredients important to you? Check the full ingredients list. Some products call themselves natural, and do have some natural ingredients in, but just not their full list. Know what you’re putting in your body using the info here.

Do you use any barrier method contraception?

In this case you should be using a water or silicon based lube.

Are you trying to conceive?

Then make sure you use a lube that is pro-conception – the pH of sperm is much higher (at around pH6) and a pro-conception lube will have matching pH. It is worth bearing in mind that these lubes may irritate your vagina because of these pH issues.

Are you going to go anal?

A silicone or thick water based lube may be better here. Silicone lasts longer than a water based one, and oil wouldn’t be suitable here due to the use of condoms (a barrier method is a good idea here to prevent the transmission of any potential HIV).

Are you using a toy?

Then make sure you use a water based, not a silicone based lube, as silicone based ones could depredate the surface of a toy, especially if its made from silicone – if in doubt, go with a water based one.

As you can see, there’s a lot more to gain from using the right lube and lots of experimentation and fun to be had! Introduce lube into your intimate encounters as you would any other idea, with confidence. And enjoy!!

Kathie Bishop MNIMH is a medical herbalist and the founder of Into the Wylde, an award winning natural intimate lubricant brand that is registered with the Vegan Society and The Soil Association.

She also runs the clinic The Wylde Herbalist, where she helps women transform their vaginal health. She firmly believes that lube is for every women, not just around and beyond menopause, and that everything is better with right one. 

Photo by Jeremy Bishop on Unsplash

How to talk about sex in a new relationship

The following post has been made into a very sexy and much more complete and pleasurable to read eBook which you can download here.

The idea that someone should just be able to ‘feel into you’ and if they can hit all your spots, they must be ‘the right one’ is a myth.

Please know that if you talk about sex in super early stage dating, you’re not going to ‘mess it up’. Though I get it. The early days, weeks and months of dating someone new can feel super tenuous.

You might feel like one wrong move will send the whole house of cards tumbling. 

And so you kind of mosey into sex for the first time under the foggy cloak of suggestiveness and feeling like it’s ‘going to happen’.

And in doing so have seriously threatened your chances of having the best sex now and forever with this person.

Because studies have shown that couples that are able to talk openly about sex, are the ones that experience the best sex. 

And this talking wants to happen early. 

And I mean super early. 

Because let’s just say it like it is, very few people are mind-readers – paranormal powers remain relatively rare amongst us humans today. 

And whilst communication can happen beyond words, through movement towards or away or encouraging sounds, even if you’re good with non-verbal cues, you may be missing out on more than you might think. 

If you want to know how your partner likes to be touched and where, where their boundaries are, what works for them and what doesn’t, then you need to ask. 

Everyone is different. So even if you’ve been the most incredible lover on the planet in the past, everybody and every ‘body’ is different. And what works for one person may not work for another. 

The more information you have to work with, the better you can support the other person in experiencing pleasure and share in their joy. And help them understand you and your body so they can do the same for you. 

If you want to have good sex – to give pleasure and receive it – you need to communicate both your own wants, needs, and desires to your partner, and to ask them what works for them as well.

What should be talked about, exactly? 

What is the best way to bring it up in the first place?

And how to deal with the awkwardness of it all? 

Here are some guidelines on how to have the conversation. And move beyond the initial awkwardness, in the name of great sex for all involved. 

How do I bring it up? It’s so awkward.

Sex is a part of life. It’s natural. It’s healthy. 

And yet, society, culture and religion have coded into us that it’s shameful to speak about openly – even with those that we are hoping to be intimate with. 

We can have sex more easily than we can talk about it. 

And the price of this is quiet frustration, fumbling, and fear which put a big damper on our level of enjoyment under the covers. 

Talking about sex will feel awkward at first for most, so know you are not alone. So be kind to yourself. No judging or criticising yourself for having things come out differently than you planned. 

Know that like with most things, the more you do it the easier it gets. 

How to make it easier: 

Call yourself out. If it feels weird or you are unsure about talking openly about sex early on in dating, say so. This can help defuse the emotional charge. 

‘It feels a bit awkward to talk about this, but it’s important to me to share with you what’s coming up for me around getting closer to you. Would you be up for a conversation about sex?’

‘It might be a bit too early to have this conversation, but it feels better for me to bring it up now as things move forward with us. Would you be open to a conversation about us sleeping together?’

‘I know most people don’t talk openly about sex before they have it, and I feel a bit embarrassed by asking this, but it’s important to me to understand a few things before we go there. How would an open conversation sound to you?’

Vulnerability is the key to intimacy. And when you share a deep truth that feels scary, it gives the other person permission to do the same. 
And creates space for you to come closer together. 

Normalising the conversation around intimacy and pleasure is one of the best thing you can do for your sex life. 

When should I bring it up?

Start early – before you’ve had sex at all. 

Have I done this? Errrrmmmm….nope. Which is why I am writing this post. 

I wish I had. In every case. 

There’s a fear or misconception that if you talk about sex too early then you’re going to disrupt the buildup, kill the mood, wreck havoc on anticipation, or look like a prude or the opposite – that you’re desperate. 

Thereby ruining your chances of any kind of relationship with someone you actually for once kind of like.  

Not to mention the risk feeling like a complete weirdo for nothing.

Well, let me tell you, feeling some awkwardness and discomfort in having the conversation outside of the bedroom, can make what happens in the bedroom for the first time a gazillion times better. 

And if things with this gorgeous human you are getting to know continue over the long run, you have a solid base to work from.

As you pass through life together, your bodies change, your needs and desires shift, and your experience in the bedroom does as well. 

Your ability as a couple to communicate about the sex you’re experiencing or not experiencing will have repercussions for the lifespan of your relationship.

And can make it...or break it. 

Start talking about sex early on in a relationship, and you’ll have better sex over the short – and long term.

How to make it easier: 

Invite the other person to have the conversation. Don’t spring it on someone last minute or dive right in.

You can say something like: 

“It feels like we’re getting closer and I’m really attracted to you. Before I jump your bones, I’d love to have a conversation about it all so that we’re both on the same page. When would be a good time?”

“I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you. And I look forward to that continuing. Before we get physical, it would be great to have a chat about it. I’d love to hear how you feel about it, and I’d love to share what’s going on for me too. Are you free for coffee any time this week?”

Talking in the heat of the moment when you’re naked for the first time with someone, might make you feel extra vulnerable. 

So make time away from the bedroom when neither of you are rushed or tired. And where you feel comfortable, relaxed, safe and where it’s private.

And all this said, it’s never too late to start. If you’ve already been with the person, go ahead and open a conversation 

What do we talk about exactly?

There are 3 main areas that want to be covered here: 

• What sex means 

• Safer sex: sexual health

• Pleasure

If that feels like a lot, it’s because it is! 

Remember, this is the first of many conversations you’ll have over time with someone. So as long as you cover the basics before you jump in the sack, know that you can deepen in later.

Start with the more simple stuff to establish trust and intimacy. And keep it light. 

What sex means

Sex means different things to different people. 

What is the meaning you’re making from it? And what are the expectations that go along with that?

You can ask: 

What does sex mean to you? Now? In the past?

In this relationship? In others?

If you’re having sex for the first time with someone, what does that mean to you? To them? Will you expect something more or different once you’ve been intimate with them physically?

Meaning may change over time but you want to be sure things are clear from the start. 

Safer sex = more pleasure

This topic of conversation more than any other, should happen away from the bedroom to ensure honesty and openness. 

STIs

For first time lovers or if your partner has been with someone else – ask when they were tested for STI’s (sexually transmitted infections). And to see the results. 

It can feel sticky to ask for this for a number of reasons. You might worry about how the other person might react to the request. That they’ll feel judged. Or even that it’s somehow too personal of a thing to ask, despite the fact that you’re considering getting as close as humanly possible to them.  

Or you make it mean certain things about you. That you’re being overly cautious. That you really know how to kill the mood.

In fact, when you go in knowing that you’re having safe sex, you can relax more physically and feel more secure psychologically and emotionally as well. The more you are able to relax in sex, the more pleasure you’ll experience. 

Remember, this is about you and your body. It’s your responsibility to take good care of your health.

And if the other person has a similar sense of self-responsibility, self-care and self-love, they’ll appreciate the request. 

Contraception options

Contraception is a non-negotiable when it comes to safer sex. The decision to make is not if, but which.

First ask yourself what options do you feel most comfortable with?

What do you prefer to stay away from? 

Then speak with your partner. Hear them out, align on an option and on you go. 

Pleasure, desires and expectations

Be playful and curious as you open up about what you’d like to experience in lovemaking.

Start light. And steer clear of judging yourself or your partner about what you’d like to experience or experiment with.

This makes it feel safe for you both to open up.

Remember, even if you voice a desire or hear one from your parnter that doesn’t mean that you’ve actually got to play it out.

For anything involving fantasies, fetishes or kinks (basically anything beyond simple ‘vanilla sex’), you’ll want to negotiate boundaries and limits. 

You can ask: 

I want to have a great experience together, so I’d love to learn a bit about what you like. Would you be open to sharing? 

Share as much as feels good. If there’s anything that you don’t want to speak about right now, that’s ok. 

What do you tend to like during sex? 

Do you prefer softness and a light touch? Or something more physical and wild? 

Is there anything that you definitely don’t like? 

How often do you like to have sex?

You can download a "Yes, No, Maybe" sexual boundary list that you and your partner can discuss. I like this one but you can google for others.

Is there anything that I should not bring up?

No. If you have concerns or questions that you want answers for in order to feel safe and ready for sex, then bring it up.

At the same time, respect the other person’s capacity to have the conversation. Go slowly and take your time. Don’t force responses. 

In the end, it’s up to both of you to decide if you want to have sex with one another, and when. 

If you feel that they are withholding information that threatens your health or safety, whether that be emotional, psychological or physical, then it’s a ‘no’ until you are truly ready.

And if you don’t feel safe in sharing what’s alive for you, then that is a sign that perhaps it is not the right time or right person. 

Coaching can give you great support in working through your own blockers to having difficult conversations and building a healthy relationship with your own sexuality so that you feel confident in sharing words – and a bed – with another. 

Can we just do this over text?

Yes! If this is going to help you have the conversation at all, then hell yes. 

However, eventually you’ll likely want to have these conversations face-to-face. They build intimacy and closeness, trust and connection. 

Healthy relationships are built on a foundation of good, open, honest communication, trust and safety. 

As is phenomenal sex.

If you want to have the best sex ever, it’s best you get chatting.

How to tell if a man is emotionally available

Did you know that the vast majority of people in the dating pool have an attachment style which is Avoidant?

Why is this worrisome? 

If you know anything about attachment theory which offers great insight into how we love, then you’ll know that people with the Avoidant style of attachment are not emotionally available.

In fact, these so-called ‘Avoidants’ avoid emotional closeness like the plague – hence the name. And if you want an intimate relationship where you feel deep connection with the person you are with, you might want to be aware of whether he’s up for it or not.

So how can you tell if the guy you are dating is emotionally accessible?

I decided you should hear this one from the horse’s mouth. 

Here’s one man’s view on how to tell if your guy (or date) is ready for the kind of intimate relationship that you want.

There is no hard and fast way to tell if a man is emotionally available.  

There are, however, strongly correlated behaviours to emotional accessibility.  

- Marv Weidner, emotionally available man by nature

Preparation for Intimacy

Being vs Doing

About doing - most men in the West at least, are evaluated and valued on their ability to do things, e.g. make a living, do work, fix things, building stuff, you get the idea.  

Emotional accessibility depends in part on a man’s ability to ‘be’ present, to listen, to know how they are feeling in the moment in order to be able to share it. 

These abilities are quite different than how most men are socialized to behave. It takes conscious effort to be able to ‘be present.  

Has your guy done that work?

Doing the Work

Has your guy ‘done the work?’ 

By that, has he consciously worked on himself to know who he is from the inside out? 

Has he resolved past losses and grieved them to a level of satisfaction that he can move forward.  

Successfully doing the work on himself, either through therapy, spiritual work, or other self-examination and reflection makes him more able to be fully present. And to not be compromised by his unresolved past.

What is he like when he is with you?

Does he listen?

Does he ask you follow-up questions when you have shared a story or an impression or opinion?  Or does he wait until you are finished, then shares something of himself or of his experiences as a ‘parallel’ to yours? 

It is often appropriate to share parallel stories, but if he does so without exploring what you are saying first before he shares his story, he is not providing you emotional access.

Can he listen when you speak of feelings?

Do you speak the same language when talking about feelings? Can he stay with your topic or does he need to change the subject? 

And what is his ‘love language’?  Does it include verbal affirmations? 

All love language have their own beauty and power.  My observation is that folks, men in this case, who do not include verbal affirmations are somewhat less likely to be emotionally accessible.

How does he react to a question?

How does he react when you ask him about why he thinks about things or in a certain way? Can he respond calmly? Or does he get agitated easily?

Listen to his language 

Does he use the language of feelings? Or does he mostly or largely speak about events, things, and what he thinks?  All that is okay, but unless you hear him refer to how he feels about something or someone, then that may be a ‘tell’ that he does not come from his feelings, but more from his head.

Note from Andrea: for most men, it has been neither safe nor acceptable to speak of feelings, never mind feel them! So some men might need your support here. Once they know they can express feelings with you verbally, and that you won’t think less of them, then they’ll be more apt to. And they may also lack the language of emotions, never having been asked to describe anything other than the acceptable ones such as anger. 

Open vs Honest

Honesty requires answering questions as completely and honestly as one can. Openness is something quite different.  Openness is proactively sharing what he feels about you, about life, about events and people in his life. If a couple can agree to not hold anything back, then openness will encompass honesty.

When you are intimate

Is he as interested in your pleasure as much as his own? Is he able to ask you what you would like? Is he able to tell you what he wants?

Huge thanks to Marv for sharing his wisdom. Marv had to work through a lot of avoidant women (and his own stuff) to finally land on a secure attacher.

He’s now happily – and steadily – in love.

The most important career decision you’ll ever make is who to love. Here’s why.

If you are single, then making time to date and to manage the emotional rollercoaster of ghosting, catfishing, breadcrumbing, bench warming, etc., etc., can feel superfluous and annoyingly distracting when there are ‘more important’ work demands to deal with.

According to the latest research, you may be leaving money on the table, promotions and recognition, and the personal gratification that comes with career wins from meaningful work.

“Sheryl Sandberg, Bill and Melinda Gates, Warren Buffett, and my mother all agree on one thing – “that the single most important career decision that a woman makes is whether she will have a life partner and who that partner is.””

— Sheryl Sandberg

In truth, all relationships require time (our greatest asset in today’s world of ‘busy’), energy and attention in order to first exist – and then to grow.

Sheryl Sandberg, Bill and Melinda Gates, Warren Buffett, and my mother all agree on one thing – "that the single most important career decision that a woman makes is whether she will have a life partner and who that partner is."

And so the investment that you make not only in finding the right mate but also in cultivating that relationship holds a bigger potential return for our career growth than we initially imagine. 

“Evidence is mounting from sociological research that when both partners dedicate themselves to work and to home life, they reap benefits such as increased economic freedom, a more satisfying relationship, and a lower-than-average chance of divorce.”

— Jennifer Petriglieri

We can lose sight of this possibility when we have a hard time envisaging how we’ll ever manage it all. You might see friends in a relationship or who are a single parents, facing the demands of balancing career growth and and family responsibilities including kids, ageing parents and intimate partnership. In truth, it is extremely challenging. 

A recent McKinsey study found that ‘89 percent of women and 70 percent of men are part of a dual-career couple (DCC)—a couple in which both partners have jobs. These couples come from all racial and ethnic groups and from all income levels.’(1)

Yet ‘evidence is mounting from sociological research that when both partners dedicate themselves to work and to home life, they reap benefits such as increased economic freedom, a more satisfying relationship, and a lower-than-average chance of divorce.(2)’

“Meaningful work provides intrinsic rewards beyond dollar signs that are valuable for people and their identity.”

— Adrienne Partridge

Notes colleague and friend Adrienne Partridge, ‘Meaningful work provides intrinsic rewards beyond dollar signs that are valuable for people and their identity.’ Adrienne should know. She’s leadership and career coach who studied women's career choices for her doctoral research in psychology and has worked with high-achieving professional women for years.

When we are with a partner who supports us, who is there to encourage us to take risks at work and helps us to feel safe moving beyond our comfort zone, we show up with greater confidence and the assurance that we need to go there. Psychologist John Bowlby’s groundbreaking work in attachment theory calls this form of support in intimate relationships a ‘secure base’.

Even still, coming together to align on aspirations for career and desires for home life is complicated.

So how do couples do it? And how can you?

Explore the options, get clear on what you want – and why – and communicate it.

Jennifer Petriglieri, an associate professor of organizational behavior at INSEAD proposes three basic models to consider when determining balancing work and life for dual-career couples (2): 

(1) In primary-secondary, one partner’s career takes priority over the other’s for the duration of their working lives. The primary person dedicates more time to work and less to the family, and his or her professional commitments (and geographic requirements) usually come before the secondary person’s. 

(2) In turn taking, the partners agree to periodically swap the primary and secondary positions. 

(3) In double-primary, they continually juggle two primary careers.

The model that feels right for you will ultimately be the one that aligns most with your values. 

As I’ve mentioned, for many dual-career couples, personal identity and meaning are intrinsic in what they have chosen for a career path. At the same time, ideas about what makes for a ‘good’ home life including what’s right for children and in caring for ageing parents can change.

“Balance is a misnomer. Things are not always going to be in perfect balance.”

— Adrienne Partridge

Clear, open communication on what you want from the dating stage onwards is key

Know that the model that feels right for you now may shift over time. And so establishing clear, open communication channels right from the onset beginning with dating, is fundamental to the success of a dual-career relationship. 

It’s as important to open up about fears and what your boundaries are, as much as it is to express what you value and why. 

This can feel quite scary. Especially if you are not used to feeling vulnerable.   

And yet it’s in this space that opportunity for deep connection and understanding happen. 

When you voice your needs, and consider those of the other, then it’s from this space of mutual understanding that solutioning can happen. 

As a couple, work together to craft a plan that considers each of your needs, desires and ambition based on shared values. Consider the role that you’ll take in each other’s lives. Get clear on the responsibilities and expectations that come along with that role. And keep on talking about what works and what wants tweaking. 

When the going gets tough, remember this

It’s going to get messy. Articles like this can make it all seem easy. We’ve just got to get clear on what we want, have a conversation, take action, and boom, it’s done. 

Know that one of the main reasons we’re in relationships is to grow and to learn. And like anything else this learning, whether it’s about how best to communicate complex feelings or how to understand what is truly important to you and why, can look and feel uncomfortable. And that’s ok. 

It’s worth it.

Let’s come back to the point on why having the right partner is advantageous for career success. When you have a partner that supports you in challenging yourself, in stepping outside of your comfort zone, in staying by you as you do so, you feel more capable of stepping into the danger zone and taking that risk necessary to grow into a promotion or take on new responsibilities.

It feels great to be supported in this way – and to be that same support for your partner when they need. 

“When we are with a partner who supports us, who is there to encourage us to take risks at work and helps us to feel safe moving beyond our comfort zone, we show up with greater confidence and the assurance that we need to go there. ”

— Andrea Balboni

This is the foundation of a healthy relationship.

After all, I believe that we’re all here to grow and evolve into the brightest versions of ourselves possible in all areas of our lives. And we’re not meant to do that alone. 

Finding the right person for such an important partnership is essential.

Whether you are single and struggling to find the right person, or in a relationship and feel you could do with some support, I can help. Contact me and we’ll talk about how.

1. https://www.mckinsey.com/business-functions/organization/our-insights/how-dual-career-couples-find-fulfillment-at-work#

2. https://hbr.org/2019/09/how-dual-career-couples-make-it-work

What you need to know about makeup sex – the good, the bad and the ugly

Is it good to have sex right after a massive fight?

Does it feel kind of right and kind of wrong at the same time?

Here’s what happens when we do it. Why we do it. And how it might actually help you – and your relationship.

What is makeup sex, anyway?

Makeup sex is when you go from arguing or fighting fiercely with your intimate partner to having intense, passionate sex with them. 

Lots of people experience it – you if you have too, you are so not alone. 

It may seem perplexing that you can go from wanting to draw blood one minute to ravaging each other the next. But there are a few reasons – from the from psychological to the physiological – as to why that is. 

Whilst makeup sex can do some good for your relationship, there are some very important things to be aware of if you want to create a healthy way of being with one another. 

Why does it happen?

There are a few different reasons why makeup sex might happen. 

‘Excitation transfer’ is the psychological term that describes the shift of emotions from strike-to-kill anger to strong never-wanted-it-more sexual desire in the mere flash.  

When excitation transfer happens, emotional responses like the desire for closeness or reconciliation through sex can be intensified by initial arousal felt from a heated argument or full-on fight. 

In other words, your body’s response to the high emotions triggered in the dramatic moments of a fight, fuel the flame of the experience. 
To confuse your body, heart and mind even more, the hormones released when you’re threatened – adrenaline, noradrenaline, and testosterone – are the same ones that surge through you when you’re turned on. 

What are the benefits of makeup sex?

The possibility of losing the person that you love or being rejected or left by them as a result of a fight, can cause your body to go into overdrive. 

And even if you come to a reconciliation, your emotions are likely still charged.  Your physical body will still be holding onto the tension together with the chemicals coursing through it.

When we’re highly stressed, our bodies need to experience a physical release of the tension that’s built up so that we can come back into balance. 

The physical act of sex can allow you to do just that. Sex can be a substitute for the actual movement like ‘shaking it off’ that our body does naturally to stabilize us after a traumatic event. 

Resolution + Closure

Makeup sex is a way to affirm that you still love and care for one another when you can’t find the words for all of the messiness and confusion of the mixed feelings you are having. 

It can be comforting to affirm that we are loved and accepted still by our partner, even though we just had a massive fight. 

Makeup sex offers a way for you both to come together with the understanding that things will be resolved.

It allows your emotional heart a place to express the mixed emotions you likely feel. 

Reveals resentments

Whilst it’s highly advised to develop a healthier way of communicating than through shouting and screaming, blow-ups can bring to light resentments. 

Your partner might be frustrated by the fact that you never share your feelings. And relieved to hear you finally say what you mean and ask for what you need. 

If they make it ok for you to do this by accepting what you’ve shared (though perhaps not enjoying the way you’ve shared it) then moving forward you may be more apt to be outspoken and assertive in the relationship.

Making a claim to needs and desires is very healthy for someone who never does this. 

Widens your sexual experience

Makeup sex might also change the sex you have as you allow parts of yourself to come forward and be seen. This could show itself as being more assertive in bed by asking for what you want, taking the lead or being on top for once. 

It’s beautiful to be able to experience both leading and following in sex and changing up your role / energy can feel exciting and fresh. 

What are the risks of makeup sex? 

Fighting as de-facto communication

It’s not necessarily beneficial to get in the habit of down and dirty fighting to feel that you can say what you want. Or to ask for what you want in bed.

It is important to develop a true sense of safety and security in your relationship so that you can share deep truths and not feel that your life is threatened when you do so. 

Depending on the experiences you’ve had in your life with speaking from your heart and being heard, loved and celebrated for it (if you’re one of these fortunate few, congratulations), this may feel easy or impossibly difficult.

You might want to consider getting some professional support should you wonder what other options there are aside from raising your voice, withdrawing completely, appeasing the other or just simply ‘taking it’. 

False resolution

The reason why you were fighting in the first place may still need resolving. Just because you’ve had sex, doesn’t mean that for both of you the conflict is no longer there.  

It is best worked through from a space that is calm and grounded for both of you.

Where you both take responsibility and ownership for your part in the conflict.

Bad sex makes it worse

Makeup sex isn’t always hot. Nor does it always leave you feeling better or more connected afterwards.

In fact, it can make things worse. If you’ve not gotten your needs met and feel tender and vulnerable, then opening yourself up further to your partner when you are not yet ready will exacerbate things.

Take the time you need to recover and come back into balance on your own. Exercise and movement to shake off the tension and bring you back down might be just what you need.

Space to work through the complex emotional experience you’ve just had could be the perfect thing.

What to do instead

The things that want looking at in you and your relationship will keep coming back until you work through them. 

Learning how to have open, clear communication in conversations about difficult topics is a great place to start – especially if you’re tired of fighting.

This can take a bit of work as we’re not normally taught how to do this. It’s one of the most important things that I work on with my clients.

That and learning what your triggers are – and how to hold yourself through the emotional rollercoaster that results when you get really pissed off .

These are superpowers that I learned from many wisened teachers who have come before me. If you feel like you’d love support in developing these next-level relationship skills, send me a message and we’ll talk about how.

All about lube Part 1 - why you need it and what that means

Lube changed my life. 

It really did.

It took the pressure off of me and my body to produce enough self-generated fluid on-demand. 

And allowed me to relax into pleasure waaaaaay more. 

And so considering how important lube has been to enhancing my pleasure under the sheets, I decided to invite lube creator and expert Kathie Bishop to tell you all about it. 

Here is her wisdom.

Live, Love, Lube

Using a lube should be a good experience, and these days there are so many to choose from you don’t need to put up with anything sticky, staining or irritating. So when buying a lube here’s several questions that may come to mind that can help you find the best one for you:

Why would you want to use a lube?

Using lube is great choice for solo or partnered play because it can reduce painful friction that otherwise may disrupt your enjoyment. But more than that, for vagina owners, penetration of a minimally lubricated vagina can cause micro-abrasions and trauma to the delicate vaginal tissues, making them more susceptible to opportunistic infection by candida, bacterial vaginosis-causing bacteria, STIs or HIV. And this is where choosing a good lube can come in handy - because after all, everything is better with (the right) lube!

If I need lube a lot does it mean I'm not turned on enough / like the person I'm with enough? 

There are many reasons that as a vagina owner you can be turned on, but not producing as much lubricant vaginally as you would like or expect. That’s nothing to be ashamed of.  It’s totally normal and there is nothing wrong with you. Some reasons could include stress, your hydration levels, your hormone levels (your point in the cycle and being postpartum come into it here), and any medications you’re on - anti-histamines and some antidepressant medication are great examples that can dry out mucosa. What’s really important here is that you feel aligned in consent around the person you are about to be intimate with.

I used to never need lube and now I feel like I do. What's going on? 

Our bodies change over time.  Hormone levels affect vaginal and vulval tissue, as well as levels of lubrication, and stress can affect our hormone levels.  Peri-menopause, which can start from around 40 years of age, is marked by a gradual decline in oestrogen levels as we head towards menopause, and this impacts vaginal lubrication too.  It can feel confusing, but know that it’s totally normal, natural and nothing to feel shame around.

Is lube ok to eat / lick? 

Most lubricant companies wouldn’t advertise out-right that you eat their products, but if you do end up ingesting some over the course of your natural play, then thats absolutely fine.  See the ‘Is natural important to you?’ section below.  The vaginal mucosa is naturally very absorbent so you may want to reframe that question to ask yourself whether you’re happy to put something into your vagina that you wouldn’t be happy putting in your mouth!

Do I need lube if I self-pleasure?

'Need’ would definitely be a strong word but a good amount of lubrication, whether self produced or gladly added will enhance or even make your experience, ensuring a smoother, more pleasure-filled feeling.

To learn even more about lube, and find answers to questions such as: Do I need a different type of lube if I'm using a toy versus sex with a condom versus no protection with a trusted partner?

(Hint: the answer is Yes!), Visit Part 2 of this series All about lube here.

Kathie Bishop MNIMH is a medical herbalist and the founder of Into the Wylde, an award winning natural intimate lubricant brand that is registered with the Vegan Society and The Soil Association.

She also runs the clinic The Wylde Herbalist, where she helps women transform their vaginal health. She firmly believes that lube is for every women, not just around and beyond menopause, and that everything is better with right one. 

Tantra for beginners – sacred sex will change your life

Tantra is a vast and beautiful tradition. And one I have been a part of for many years.

Tantra changed my life. It re-framed what it meant for me to be a woman, powerful and sexual at the same time.

It freed me to open to deeper states of pleasure. And to know myself like I’d never before.

And it has the potential to do the same for you.

“When the passion and desire of your physical body align with the purity of your heart’s intention, your spirit opens up to the possibility of new experiences of what are known as bliss states – to being here and now, whilst feeling connected to divinity or to all that is. ”

— Andrea Balboni

What is tantric sex, anyway?

Tantric sex is a way of making love that feels deeply connected, massively powerful, and filled with reverence, respect and devotion between you and your partner – or you and yourself if you practice it solo.

Tantric sex is for many a new way of being in sexual connection with another. This is because it allows you to access levels of feeling, sensation, and energy not often experienced in the sex many of us usually have. 

And it can leave you feeling nourished and satisfied by sex as you open to blissful states of ecstatic pleasure.

Tantra teaches that everything is sacred, including sex. It wholeheartedly celebrates the sacredness of our sexual desires and bodies. And it brings a quality of mindful awareness to the shared expression of pleasure.
And whilst tantra has gained a reputation for promoting uninhibited sex, promiscuity could not be further from its original point – to enable full spiritual awakening via direct engagement with our sexual energy. 

When was tantric sex first practiced?

Tantra emerged in India around the 6th Century. It refers to the philosophy and spiritual practices that developed at that time. About the same time that esoteric Hindu and Buddhism traditions were developing.

Neotantra is a new modern westernised variation of the ancient original teachings of Tantra. It often incorporates only a small selection of teachings from the original tradition, and those focus on sexuality.

Neotantra developed in the 1960s and over the decades has strayed farther from the roots of the authentic tantric teachings to fuse with many different new age modalities and methods

The main goal of neotantric practices is however still in keeping with focus of the ancient tradition – to offer a path toward greater consciousness and ultimately liberation and connection with the divine.

Why try tantric sex?

Pleasure potential

Those who practice tantra regularly report experiencing more powerful longer-lasting orgasms and of numerous kinds: from heart-gasms, throat-gasms and mind-gasms for women, to non-ejaculatory orgasms and multiple full-body orgasms for men. 

Tantra can help you release blocks around sex, like shame and guilt. And in doing so it allows you access to greater levels of pleasurable sensation. 

Connection amplified

Tantra is ultimately about connection — whether that’s with yourself or between you and a partner. Some experience states of oneness with divinity and life itself.

Sex becomes healing, empowering, and profoundly beautiful.  

Experience altered states of consciousness

When the passion and desire of your physical body align with the purity of your heart’s intention, your spirit opens up to the possibility of new experiences of what are known as bliss states – to being here and now, whilst  feeling connected to divinity or to ‘all that is’. 

A short guide for beginners:

Tantric sex involves bringing attention to all the subtleties of sex – body, heart and mind. It offers the deep sensual pleasure of skin on skin in a long slow gentle stroke, to the swelling of hearts drenched in love through intimate connection, to the diamond-like clarity of mind that comes with being exquisitely present in the moment. 

Sometimes during tantric sex, you're barely moving. Other times you’ll experience the excitement of nearing peak experiences, to then relax back, only to ‘ride the wave’ again and again. Playing with time and energy in this way, you can make love for hours. And the enjoyment can just keep building. 

Go slow

Start by sitting across from one another and gazing softly into each other’s eyes for as long as possible. Let the intensity build. 

Begin with long slow embraces and gentle caresses. This allows you to get present in your body. Shift your focus to your partner for 50% of the time and then back to you and your experience. 

Notice the movement of energy, like electricity, between your bodies. 

Let go of the goal

Redefine sex by setting an intention to experience more intimacy and connection, and to explore playful possibility versus racing to orgasm. When you let go of the goal there is infinite room for discovery. 

Tell your partner what you like and encourage more of what feels good by naming what you’re enjoying. Have your partner do the same.

Engage all of your senses. 

Experiencing sex through all of your senses moves you from your mind into your body. And it’s here in your body where you are able to experience sensual pleasure. 

Light candles or wear your favourite perfume, play beautiful, sensual music, wrap yourself in silks or soft lingerie, savour the taste of your partner’s kisses, play with new patterns and pressure of touch. 

Let it be about discovery.

Breath

Synchronize your breath by inhaling and exhaling together, or inhaling as your partner exhales. As your nervous systems attune to one another, you’ll experience a heightened sense of cohesion and togetherness. 

Know one another. Know yourself. 

Allow yourself (and your partner) to experience a full range of emotions. Welcome whatever experience you have and know that if you feel sadness, hurt, anger, shame or embarrassment come up that it has arisen for it to be released. 

It may seem strange to experience these emotions in lovemaking, however it’s the full allowing and acceptance of ‘what is’ that will free you from that which holds you back from feeling full pleasure.

Eventually as your mind, heart and body clear stuckness from the past, you’ll be able to fully tap into your sexual energy and its power.

I practiced tantra for many years solo. And whilst there are some sacred sex practices that I do together with my partner, I continue my solo journey.

Because you never can know yourself – or the universe – deeply enough.

How being single is great – for your future relationship

There was a time in my life when I loved being single.

I was so happy with my life, that I started to doubt whether I even wanted to be in a relationship.

It was when I decided that I was done being single, and the years kept dragging on and on that it became difficult.

Here I share how being single is great if you decide to stay single. And how it can help prepare you for a healthy relationship, if you decide you want one.

And what you can do to move from being single to getting the love you want.

Why being single is a great choice

Being gives you the time and space to focus on you and your career, to develop rich friendships and to get to know your place in the world without anyone tugging at the edges.

You’ll likely develop a strong sense of independence and a deep knowing of who you are, what you want and where you are going.  

How being single prepares you for romantic relationships

Healthy adult relationships come from a space where both individuals know themselves deeply. And can express what they want and need from a place of fullness because they are able to practice emotional responsibility. 

When you’re on your own, you learn how to be resourceful and resilient. And to take care of yourself when life feels challenging. 

These are great qualities to have should you decide later on to be in a relationship. Interdependent relationships are ones where each person has capacity to take care of themselves should their partner not be available to be there for them. 

You’ll also likely develop a strong tribe of like-hearted souls around you during your time as a single. This extended community is important when you’re on your own. And it’s very healthy to maintain a wide variety of relationships – from familial to peer groups – even after you are in a romantic relationship. 

Maintaining connection with your tribe takes the pressure off of your future partner to be ‘everything’ for you all the time. This in itself is an impossible ask.

Our worlds are complex and we as humans benefit from a wide base of support to help navigate the ups and downs of life. Maintaining connection with your tribe takes the pressure off of your future partner to be ‘everything’ for you all the time. This in itself is an impossible ask.

When you can share openly and be vulnerable with another, that opens the door for intimacy. Practicing this first in friendships can help prepare you. It’s the richness and fullness of these types of connection that feel so good.

How being single helps you to have better sex

If you practice self-pleasure during this time then you’ll have an incredible understanding of what turns you on. What kind of touch you like. And how you like to receive it. 

There’s no need to wait around for someone to ‘bring you to orgasm’ or ‘make you come’. Your pleasure is yours. And it’s powerful. 

This can then be communicated to a potential partner with an invitation to share in pleasure that is yours. It comes from you and is of you. There’s no need to wait around for someone to ‘bring you to orgasm’ or ‘make you come’. Your pleasure is yours. And it’s powerful. 

Why having experience doesn’t matter

And if you’ve never had a relationship but want one, know that many others - men and women both - come into their 20’s, 30’s and even their 40’s with little or no experience of or in relationships. 

Though it may seem like the whole rest of the world has had some experience, it’s simply not true. 

Also know that whilst you may hear that people expect that their potential mate ‘to know what they are doing in the bedroom’, that it’s not an imperative. Or even that important.

If you develop a strong, healthy connection with someone, and this moves towards intimacy, then know that this person is emotionally invested in you. They’ll likely be ok with the fact that you’ve not had much (or any) experience. 

When two hearts are in it for real, then there is a deep desire to get to know you intimately, whether you’ve had experience or not. Taking it slow may be one more thing about you that they fall in love with. 

Not to mention that for them, it can also be quite exciting to learn how to make love again as if for the first time. It’s an exquisite gift of newness that is rare to find now-a-days, though it can be cultivated even in couples that have been making love together for decades. 

Someone may come to you claiming they’ve got all the experience in the world, when really they’ve only ever known one way of being intimate. 

And those that seemingly have so much more experience, often learned to make love from places like porn – not necessarily the best teacher on how to have deep, connected, satisfying, pleasure-filled sex. 
Someone may come to you claiming they’ve got all the experience in the world, when really they’ve only ever known one way of being intimate. 

And it may not be the way that works for you. Or even for them. Only they don’t know it. 

How to get a romantic relationship if you want one

No one is born knowing how to be in a relationship. So just because someone has been in one or many relationships, they don’t necessarily know how to do it well. 

We learn about relating from our caretakers and from those around us – relatives or friends or what we see in the media. 

And let’s face it, these oftentimes these aren’t the greatest examples to learn from. 

We all have a lot to learn about relating and mating. 

Educating yourself on what makes for a healthy intimate relationship is a great place to start. And connecting with your body and your pleasure vital. 

If you feel really ready for a romantic relationship and want to start dating again but don’t know where to start, then take the first step and contact me.

How to fall in love with a nice guy

Women often come to me saying that they don’t want to settle. 

But every time they meet a guy who’s perfectly nice, they just don’t feel the spark. 

Or they just don’t feel like they can trust him – he’s just too nice. 

If this is you, you might be keeping yourself from creating a healthy relationship – one that is not only sexy, exciting and alive – but also stands the test of time.

Or you might be doing exactly the right thing.

Here’s the real difference between ‘nice guys’ and ‘bad boys’ – and what you want instead.

When it’s about him 

If your ‘nice guy’ is a ‘yes man’, then no, he can not be trusted. And nope, ‘yes men’ are certainly not sexy.

Yes men are people pleasers.

They’ll do or say anything to win your affection or draw you in. 

A yes man will tell you want you want to hear, and it may not necessarily be what he actually thinks or feels. 
You feel he can’t be trusted because you’re left wondering what’s really going on beneath the surface. You might even wonder what may come out of the closet and surprise you later down the line.

Yes men lack boundaries.

Hence women feeling like they can ‘walk all over them.’

This is not at all appealing for a woman who knows her worth. She’s not into power plays, but wants a healthy relationship where there’s mutual respect and understanding. 

Therefore this type of yes man is uninteresting. An empowered woman wants to be held accountable for her views and opinions. She wants to be challenged to be the best that she can be. And for this she needs a powerful man who’s not afraid to say what he sees in her – when she’s doing great. And where there are blind spots. Even if some things are hard to hear, he finds a way to say them so that it feels supportive and constructive. 

A yes man doesn’t know his own worth.

He may honestly love you, but he doesn’t love himself enough to give this love in a healthy way. He overcompensates, is over-giving and over-available. This feels uninteresting.  

The antithesis of the ‘nice guy’ is the ‘bad boy’. But this guy too, as we know, is also flawed. 

When it’s about you

Why we go for the ‘bad boy’ instead 

His kind of love (or lack thereof) feels familiar. Literally. 

Some women are used to love and affection feeling just out of reach. This may be what you experienced from your parents or caretakers, who were often absent, busy or just not available enough. 

We look to heal this breach in adulthood – to find someone that we can get to give us the attention we never got as a kid. We hope to convert the person. To get them to love us. 

But in reality, they are unable to love like we need them to in the first place. 
Don’t trust honest, open, healthy displays of love + affection because you are not used to them. 

We love the ‘bad boys’ because they let us explore a part of us that has been suppressed 

You know that you don’t have to be on their best behaviour with a guy who’s a rebel. And you allow your own ‘bad girl’ to come out. 

In childhood girls are often taught to be ‘good’. And our rebellious nature is repressed. You therefore might feel a childlike glee and joy in doing what’s forbidden. And this can fuel the flames of desire. It feeds excitement. 

The ‘wild’ in you has been condemned by our society and culture

And yet raw, uninhibited desire is a natural part of being human. Women who express freely this part of themselves are often stigmatised and judged. If a woman senses that she’s going to be given a chance to express this deep innate part of her sexuality, she’s going to be drawn to someone that she feels will receive this with open arms and enjoy it. 

The drama in another distracts us from ourselves. 

The bad boy gives us a project that needs ‘fixing’. 

Women often get validated as care-takers, fixers, healers and learn at an early age that we’re good if we do this. Fixing gives a sense of worth and purpose. 

The only problem is that these guys don’t necessarily want to change. Or to be fixed. And so over time a woman can become submissive rather than nurturing, when the one she wants to change either won’t or ‘just can’t’. 

External drama keeps the focus on the external. On him. On the drama in the relationship that always seems to be there. On what’s going on outside of you.

When the storm outside is quiet because you’re with someone who is balanced and healthy, then there’s no distraction. It gives space for introspection and turning the focus inwards. 

In doing so we are asked to face our own strife, storms and drama that we hold within.

How to break the cycle

Learn to trust the guys who are actually nice – and available. 

Recognise what’s actually playing out for you. 

Which of the above sounds true? What patterns are you playing out over and over again in dating and relationships? 

Saying no to Yes Men is a good thing. 

But letting go of an actual healthy, empowered man is another. 

A guy in his power won’t necessarily fight for your attention or affection. He knows his worth. He doesn’t need to prove it in grand displays. 
And he’s not interested in fighting for power over you either. He has enough of that within himself. He isn’t interested in taking yours. 

He won’t ‘take it’ either. He’ll let you know what’s cool. And what isn’t. He’ll expect you to own your emotions, your feelings and accept responsibility for what’s yours.
He’ll celebrate your strength. And challenge you to be more than you are. 

And he’ll also lean back so that you can show up wild, free and full of life. But without the drama.

Know yourself and take care of her

He expects you to know how to manage your own storms within. To know yourself enough so that you can recognise what’s going on inside. And own what is yours. 

He’s available to listen as you express yourself clearly and with grace, even if it feels difficult. 

This doesn’t mean you need to hide your emotions. It means understanding why you are feeling a certain way by asking yourself what is really going on with you. And why you’ve had such a strong reaction. 

And from that place of self-knowing, sharing with him what you are experiencing and why. 

If you struggle with understanding ‘your part’ and why you actually feel the way that you feel, then coaching can be a powerful way for you to gain insight into what’s really going on. Connect with me and I’ll help you to navigate your own inner world.

Live out the parts of you that want living.

Do you feel caged in by life? By how you are with friends and family? Is there a part of you that wants expressing so that you can feel more free in your life. And perhaps your sexuality. 

Accept these parts of you. Celebrate them. Love them. Let them breathe. 

Relationships can feel easy. And exciting. And wild. And fun. 

And safe too. Learn to be ok with the unfamiliar. Allow yourself to receive the love and affection that comes your way. 

Love like this might look different than what you’re used to – and thank goddess for that.