I used to think that people who were divorced had an advantage on me – at least they had managed to get married ONCE (sometimes even 2 or 3 times, somehow lapping me!!).
Now I know that those of us who have been single for most of our lives and those coming out of divorce share a few things in common.
One is a sense of not really knowing ourselves fully.
We feel as if we’ve lost ourselves somewhere along the way.
Those in marriage giving too much of themselves or thinking always of others.
And us singles who get enveloped by work or busy-ness.
And we don’t really know where to start to get back to centre.
To re-find…or find for the first time parts of ourselves
That have yet to be discovered.
We feel lost.
And lonely.
And alone.
And have no idea how to crawl out of that place.
If you’ve never really been in a relationship your entire adult life – regardless of the fact that you have a lot of incredibleness to share with someon
You feel like you’ve got no experience to fall back on.
No points of reference.
No, well when that worked out it was because of this…
And if you HAVE been in relationship and it’s fallen apart
And that relationship was called ‘marriage’
Which was supposed to be forever
You want to do everything in your power not to repeat what just happened.
And you feel like you have no idea how to do that.
And what if you mess it up again.
In both cases you feel like you are learning from ‘ground zero’ as my friend and colleague Andrea Tan shares with me.
You have no idea where to start. 😳
The truth is, whether you’ve never been loved or have loved and lost, the first steps forward are knowing yourself from the inside out.
Getting back in touch with centre – with who you are at your core.
A kind of remembering. Or getting to know.
So that you can feel whole and full and alive and confident and sure of yourself.
And from this place of fullness love outwardly
So that what comes back at you is a person who has done that journey too.
And together you create something totally new. ✨
Not based on too little or too much past experience
But on what you are NOW.
And that is a you that is powerful and beautiful and already full.
Here’s where Andrea recommends you start by SLOWING DOWN and feeling your way thru. Even tho slowing down to feel is the last thing you might want to do as you go through divorce.
Here’s a 3 step process to help get you through:
Express fully your Rage + Sorrow - You carry lots of emotional weight after divorce. Get it out! So you don’t carry it with you to the next relationship. Punch pillows for 20-30 mins. Set a timer so you don’t go over that limit + get stuck in the hole of those emotions. Do this over a number of days, weeks, months until it’s all out.
Learn what you like - Go on dates with yourself. Have each date be themed by one of the 5 senses - eg. a date on taste would be trying different restaurants / foods you like. This process helps in remembering or knowing for the first time, what makes you uniquely YOU.
Create a vision board or statement - of the person you would like to be in your next relationship + how you would like that relationship, and life, to be. This is so that you can stay focused on who you want to be as you go through the divorce. It keeps you from falling back into old ways of being that were not supportive of you being your fullest self. It prevents you from attracting the same type of person that you’ve just left behind back into your life.