Last night I listened to ethical adult film creator Anna Richards of Frolicme.com at the beautiful Roof Garden in Kensington, London and was reminded once again why I do the work that I do. Anna’s luxurious erotic films lift sex up and centre female pleasure as women actually experience it.
Context. Emotion. Connection. The slow build of arousal rather than rushing to a destination.
It made me think about the conversations I have with women in my practice every single day, and to be honest, the ones I have in my own head. They are conversations about desire, pleasure, and the permission we so rarely give ourselves to explore what we truly want when we want it.
Here is some of what I took away from Anna’s talk on reclaiming desire. And my own experience and that of the women that I work with.
The Pleasure Gap We Don’t Talk About
Here’s something I hear often: “I feel exhausted at the mere thought of sex.”
Or: “Afterwards, I just feel… depleted.”
If this resonates with you, you might be people-pleasing in the bedroom—what we sometimes call “fawning” in therapeutic terms. You’re programmed to give, even when your body whispers (or shouts) ‘no.’ Even with someone you deeply love. And afterwards? Resentment creeps in, leaving no one truly satisfied.
This isn’t about becoming someone new or forcing yourself into unfamiliar territory. It’s about reconnecting with what’s already there—your innate capacity for desire and pleasure that may have been buried under years of conditioning or the relentless repetition of day-to-day life.
Why Female Desire Remains Taboo
We’re never really taught to embrace our sexuality as women, are we? There’s still so much taboo around female desire. If we want it, we’re over-sexed and easy. If we don’t, we’re frigid.
We’re expected to conform, to perform, to prioritize someone else’s pleasure over our own experience. To focus more on what they want, and as a result lose complete touch with what we want.
But desire is complex. Deeply human. It’s about the erotic energy that runs within us as creative lifeforce energy. It’s about connecting with yourself and others. And yes, it’s about the courage to discover what actually brings you pleasure.
Reclaiming your desire starts with giving yourself permission to explore what you genuinely enjoy. On your own. Then inviting another person in when you’re ready.
Building Your Sexual Confidence
Sexual confidence isn’t about being “good in bed”. It’s about:
Knowing yourself: Understanding your body, your boundaries, your fantasies and desires
Developing a ‘sexual voice’ (in Anna’s words): Being able to articulate your desires and needs so that your partner can support you and deliver*
Co-creating pleasure: Approaching intimacy as something you build together, not a performance you deliver
This is where solo exploration becomes powerful. It allows you to discover what you like. And then develop a vocabulary (sometimes oral, sometimes through movement and sound) about what you actually enjoy, without the pressure of an audience.
*For more on How to Talk about Sex, download my book on it here.
The Journey Matters More Than the Destination
Pay attention to the media that you’re consuming—the content you watch and read. Does it focus on pleasure as a journey, or is it fixated on the “final moment”?
Arousal is about the build-up. The anticipation. The connection.
Try this: Journal about your fantasies. Not to judge them, but to understand what they reveal about your desires. What themes appear? What kind of connection or dynamic appeals to you? This isn’t about acting on everything—it’s about deepening your self-knowledge. And then choosing what you keep for yourself, share and then act upon should you decide to.
Build Confidence to Communicate
Feeling brave enough to share a boundary, to voice a desire, to guide someone’s hands to where pleasure lives in your body is intimate work.
Vulnerable work. But it’s also the pathway to sexual experiences that truly nourish you rather than deplete you.
Balance giving with receiving. Practice asking for what you want. Let yourself soak up the nourishment that healthy, connected sexuality brings—for both of you.
What Ethical Pleasure Looks Like
What drew me to Anna’s work at Frolic Me is how it refuses to separate the context that desire actually requires, including emotion and connection, from arousal. There’s consent. It’s intimacy with realism.
Her films represent all kinds of sexual expression—pregnancy, kink, romance, solo pleasure, queer intimacy, encounters with strangers, playful experimentation. It’s sexuality as diverse and multifaceted as we actually are.
All sorts of desires deserve to be represented and explored.
You Already Have Everything You Need
If there’s one truth that lies above all else, it’s that you don’t need to transform into someone else in order to experience desire. Your desire is already within you, waiting to be rediscovered at your own pace, on your own terms.
And if sex leaves you feeling tired before it even begins, or depleted afterwards, that’s your body trying to tell you something important. Listen to it. Honour it. The more you connect to your body and align it with your heart and mind, the more your body will trust you and open up to the pleasure inherent within you. And gift you with orgasmic bliss.
Know that reclaiming your pleasure is not selfish—it’s essential for a healthy and fulfilling erotic life. And often one of the keys to a stronger relationship.
If any of this resonates and you’d like support exploring your relationship with desire and pleasure, I’m here. Sometimes we just need a safe space to start the conversation. Contact me—let’s talk.
And if you’d like to learn more about Anna and her work, you can visit Frolicme.com or listen to our conversation on the Lush Love podcast on iTunes, Erotica Reinvented: Beautiful, Ethical and Super Sexy with Anna Richards”