When trust fractures in a relationship, it doesn’t just crack—it shatters into a thousand sharp-edged pieces. That gut-wrenching moment when safety dissolves, whether through betrayal, chronic unreliability, or emotional abandonment, leaves partners stranded in parallel worlds of pain. One carries shame (the healthy kind), the other carries hurt, and between you sits this vast, silent chasm that intimacy used to fill.
I’ve sat with many couples in this exact space—from my practice in London and via Zoom globally—and here’s what I know to be true: the journey back to solid ground isn’t about forgetting what happened. It’s about taking ownership and fundamentally transforming how you show up for each other.
As a certified sex coach specializing in sexual wellbeing support and relationship repair, I’ve witnessed couples not just survive these ruptures but emerge with something richer than they had before. The question isn’t whether your relationship can recover—it’s whether you’re both willing to do the uncomfortable, often unglamorous work of genuine repair.
Let me walk you through how I help couples rebuild trust, informed by the brilliant work of Esther Perel and Terry Real, whose approaches to relational ambiguity and fierce intimacy shape how I guide this work.
Step 1: Bringing in Your Impartial Witness
When couples try to navigate betrayal alone, they typically end up in one of two cycles: looping in perpetual punishment or bypassing with “let’s just move on”. Neither heals or fixes anything for the long-term in your relationship.
This is where working with a sex therapist in London, UK or an online professional or seeking support from a certified sex and relationships coach becomes essential—not optional.
Why Third-Party Guidance Changes Everything
A skilled coach or therapist does several crucial things simultaneously:
Creates Containment for Big Feelings
Couples therapist Terry Real talks about creating a “relational container” strong enough to hold the intensity of emotions you’ll both experience without collapse.
In my own sessions with clients, I establish what I call a “circle of safety”—a protected space where the partner who caused harm can demonstrate genuine accountability without defensiveness, while the hurt partner can express their pain without fear of further abandonment or retaliation.
Manages the Impossible Timeline
The partner who broke trust often asks, “How long do I have to keep proving myself?” Meanwhile, the hurt partner thinks, “Why aren’t I over this yet?” I help normalize that healing isn’t linear.
Some days you’ll feel close; other days the suspicion floods back in. This is normal, not failure.
Illuminates Blind Spots with Compassion
Esther Perel, an expert in helping couples navigate their relationship after an affair, reminds us that the person who strayed often can’t see the ongoing impact of their choices. They’re ready to move forward while their partner is still processing the initial blow.
As your guide, I point out these blind spots—not with judgment, but with the clarity needed for true ownership and reconciliation to happen. I also help the hurt partner see where they might be stuck in victimhood rather than moving toward empowerment, a delicate but necessary conversation.
Step 2: The Accountability Reckoning—No Shortcuts Allowed
This phase demands everything: courage, radical honesty, and a willingness to sit in profound discomfort. It’s the opposite of the avoidance patterns that likely contributed to the breach in the first place.
Crafting an Apology That Actually Lands
Forget the hollow “I’m sorry” tossed out to stop an argument. Real repair requires what I call the “whole-body apology”—one that addresses not just what happened, but its full impact.
The Three Essential Elements:
1. Clarity – State exactly what you did, in specific terms. Not “I messed up” but “I had an ongoing emotional affair with someone from work and lied to you about it for six months.”
2. Compassion – Acknowledge the specific pain you caused. “I have understood that you felt utterly betrayed by this. And now you question everything about our relationship. That you feel alone and isolated. And that confusion about us and our relationship came from my choices.”
3. Commitment – Offer a tangible plan for change. “I’ve scheduled sessions with a sex and relationship coach to understand why I went outside of our relationship, and I’m committed to weekly check-ins with you.”
The Question Marathon
The hurt partner will have questions—waves of them, often the same ones circling back. Together, we create what I call “structured disclosure sessions.” These scheduled conversations allow for thorough answers without overwhelming either partner.
This approach builds unexpected intimacy even through painful topics, whether you’re discussing infidelity, stress about it that is affecting intimacy, or financial deception.
Eliminating Defensive ‘Buts’
Terry Real is brilliant on this: defensiveness is the enemy of intimacy. Every “but” in your apology cancels what came before it. “I had the affair, *but* you stopped having sex with me” isn’t accountability— it’s blame-shifting.
If you need help with performance anxiety or are addressing sexual shame, we explore those vulnerabilities and any others separately, not as justifications.
From Secrecy to Transparency
Trust, as Esther Perel teaches, lives in the space between predictability and surprise. After betrayal, we temporarily need to lean heavily toward predictability through radical transparency.
Co-Creating Your Safety Agreement
Together, we build boundaries that genuinely feel safe for the hurt partner without creating a prison for the other. This might include phone transparency, location sharing, scheduled check-ins, or temporarily pausing certain activities or friendships. These aren’t punishments—they’re scaffolding while the new foundation sets.
Understanding the ‘Why’ Beneath the ‘What’
If the breach involved sexual betrayal, we explore the underlying void it attempted to fill. Was it about intimacy through sex that you’d lost touch with? Unaddressed trauma? Often, this work requires trauma-informed sex and intimacy support for individuals before it can fully heal in the couple dynamic.
Step 3: Consistency—The Unglamorous Work of Becoming Reliable
This is where most couples either break through or break down. Grand gestures mean nothing here. What matters is the relentless, unsexy work of daily follow-through.
Becoming Predictably Present
Imagine your partner looking at you with calm expectation rather than anxious scanning. That’s where we’re headed.
The Micro-Promise Power Play
If you say you’ll be home at six, you text at 5:45. If you promise to research options for a discreet sex therapist in London, you come back with three names and your thoughts on each. Every kept micro-promise deposits into your trust account. Every broken one—even small—makes a withdrawal. The math is simple.
Responding to the Anxiety Flares
When the hurt partner expresses worry (“Who are you texting?”), the accountable partner must respond immediately with patience, not irritation. “I understand why you’re asking, and I’m glad you told me rather than sitting with that anxiety. It’s my colleague about tomorrow’s meeting—here, see?” This validation rather than annoyance is crucial for healing.
Reintroducing Touch as Safety
For couples navigating sexual wellbeing support or reconnecting after betrayal, we reintroduce physical intimacy very gradually. It begins with ten-second hugs, hand-holding, non-sexual massage—rekindling embodied intimacy before any sexual pressure enters.
We’re rebuilding touch as comfort, not performance. This is especially important when addressing overcoming sexual shame or awakening pleasure after disconnection.
Step 4: Writing Your New Relational Story
Once the immediate crisis has stabilized, we shift from crisis management to conscious creation. This is where a sex and relationships coach helps integrate individual healing into your shared intimacy practice.
From Surviving to Thriving
Real trust returns when you both genuinely believe in your relationship’s new form—not because you’ve forgotten the past, but because you’ve learned how to be different together.
Celebrating Small Wins
Did you have a difficult conversation that ended with mutual respect instead of a door slam? That deserves acknowledgement. Positive reinforcement—what Terry Real calls “cherishing behaviors”—locks in new patterns. These celebrations rebuild the positive sentiment override that betrayal destroyed.
Future-Proofing Your Intimacy
We discuss how to talk about sex in your relationship now that you have these communication tools. How will you address future sexual mindfulness needs? How will you ask for help with low libido or erectile dysfunction support without shame spirals? Creating this roadmap means future bumps don’t become catastrophes.
Individual Growth as Relational Strength
Often, the partner who broke trust discovers their breach was a symptom of deeper disconnection from themselves—lost sexual empowerment, unresolved shame, unprocessed trauma or conditioning from childhood.
Working with a certified sex and relationships coach individually strengthens the relationship by strengthening the individuals within it. If you’re in the London area or working globally via Zoom as I do, this deeper personal work becomes the insurance policy against future ruptures.
Oftentimes affairs and betrayals often aren’t about the other person—they’re about the self we’ve lost touch with. We can only be as intimate with another as we are with ourselves. This individual work isn’t selfish; it’s essential.
The Truth About Trust Repair
Rebuilding trust takes the time it takes. But with genuine accountability, uncomfortable transparency, and relentless consistency, you can transform a shattered foundation into something more resilient than what you had before.
The couples who succeed aren’t the ones who had smaller betrayals—they’re the ones who stayed in the discomfort long enough for real transformation. They’re the ones who stopped performing healing and started actually doing it.
Working within a structured framework of couples coaching or therapy online or in the UK, you’re not just healing a wound—you’re building an entirely new communication system. You’re developing the courage to be fully seen, the strength to truly see your partner, and the humility to keep showing up even when it’s hard.
Ready to Begin Your Repair Journey?
If you’re sitting with a mountain of hurt, wondering whether sex and relationships therapy or coaching is right for your relationship, here’s my answer: if you’re both willing to do uncomfortable work with skilled support to get clear on what is next for you and your relationship, resolution is absolutely possible.
I work globally via Zoom from my London practice, facilitating communication, offering support with betrayal, trauma-informed intimacy guidance, and the structured accountability couples need during this tender time.
Whether you’re navigating betrayal or rebuilding after years of emotional disconnection, I’m here to guide you through.
[Learn more about working with me](https://www.lushcoaching.com/coach-with-me) and explore whether coaching is the right fit for your unique situation.
[Book a confidential consultation](https://www.lushcoaching.com/contact-me) and let’s start writing your new story together—one built on genuine trust, embodied intimacy, and the fierce love that’s willing to do the work.