Ep. 11 Surviving Intimacy : Part 3 – Thriving in Love
In part 3 of Surviving Intimacy, we explore what it takes for love – and passion – to endure over time. We want a depth of connection and quality of desire like we never had before. And we want it to last.
Join me and discover what it takes to create an exceptional relationship that endures.
And what you can do to begin to live this kind of life in love.
Powered by RedCircle
In part 3 of Surviving Intimacy, we explore what it takes for love – and passion – to endure over time. We want a depth of connection and quality of desire like we never had before. And we want it to last.
Join me and discover what it takes to create an exceptional relationship that endures.
And what you can do to begin to live this kind of life in love.
Note: This series was originally created as a Masterclass for The Times and Sunday Times Life Lessons Festival in London, UK 2022.
Why are intimate relationships so intense?
Why is love so hard to find?
And once found so hard to keep?
And once kept so hard to survive, never mind thrive in?
From the disappointment of endless dating and constant swiping, to the destabilizing precariousness of early stage relationships, to the imminent frustration and tedious boredom of long term love.
We might begin to ask ourselves if intimate relationships are even worth it.
And then we remember what they promise.
If we could meet real love in a way that feels natural and easy, love that gives a sense of trust, safety and security in a challenging and ever changing world.
If we could feel the nourishment of deep, meaningful connection, and the richness and excitement of learning and growing together.
If we could experience the deliciousness of passion and the sparkle of erotic desire that adds so much aliveness and dimension to life
Then yes, we would answer that relationships are absolutely worth it.
But all of that is no small ask.
If you love what you hear, please leave us a rating and review on iTunes/Apple Podcasts.
Powered by RedCircle
In each of the 3 parts of this series we’ll consider…
PT 1: FINDING LOVE
- What it takes to find love on or offline.
- How to meet your person in a way that feels natural and easy
- Dissolving the things from the past that keep us from meeting our person.
PT 2: KEEPING LOVE
- The delicate dance of closeness and distance in intimate relationships
- Preparing your body, heart, mind and soul for long-term love
- What ‘healthy’ looks like in intimate relationships
PT 3: THRIVING IN LOVE LONG-TERM
- The skills and tools needed to make love and passion last over time
- How self-awareness and self-knowing allow for healthy adult relating
- And how to attain the awareness, skills and tools that long-term love asks for
Book in a 30 minute consultation call with Andrea and find love that lasts.
About Andrea:
Andrea Balboni is a certified Sex Love and Relationship Coach and founder of Lush Coaching. She helps smart successful heart-centered humans experience pleasure and fulfillment in their personal intimate lives and romantic relationships. From finding real love naturally and easily, to keeping it and deepening into healthy relationships, to thriving in passion and pleasure over the long-term, Andrea supports individuals and couples in all phases of love and relationships.
Find love with Andrea:
Group Coaching
Roadmap to Relationships - How to Find, Keep and Thrive in Love.
https://www.lushcoaching.com/relationship-roadmap
Erotic Awakening with the Crystal Egg
https://www.lushcoaching.com/erotic-awakening
One-to-one Private Coaching
A limited number of spots are open. DM/email me or book in a 30 minute consultation call to learn more and sign up.
andrea.lush.coach@gmail.com
Online Masterclass: Find, Keep and Thrive in Love
Learn to find real love and have a committed, long-term relationship. Tickets available on Eventbrite
Receive weekly Love Letters
Sign up for deep wisdom and practical skills and tools
https://www.lushcoaching.com/free
Work with me
Book in a 30 minute consultation call with Andrea
Let’s stay connected
Continue the conversation on Instagram at @andreabalboni_lush
Show us the love
And if you love the show, please leave us a rating and review on iTunes/Apple Podcasts.
Ep. 11 Surviving Intimacy : Part 3 – Thriving in Love
Welcome to Lush Love the podcast and part three of this three part series on surviving intimacy, How to find, keep, and Thrive in Love That Lasts. I'm your host, Andrea Baloni, a Sex, love and Relationships coach and founder of Lush Coaching. I help smart, soulful, heart centered. Experience, pleasure and fulfillment in relationships and intimacy from finding real love naturally and easily to deepening into a healthy relationship, to thriving and passion and pleasure over the long term.
In part one, finding love. I shared a story about how shame, guilt, and fear around my sexuality be erotic an intimate partner. Kept me from finding love In part two on keeping [00:01:01] love. We saw how learning to dance between autonomy and togetherness in relationships shifted one woman's experience of dating from dread and uncertainty to joy and freedom.
In part two on Keeping Love, we saw how learning to dance between autonomy and togetherness shifted one woman's experience of dating an early stage relationship from dread and uncertainty to joy and freedom.
Now, in part three, you'll discover what it truly takes to thrive in intimate relationships over. Because what we want today from Love has never been experienced before. We want a depth of connection and closeness and a quality of desire and passion like we've never had it and we want it to last
Over the years, I have studied with some of the world's leading relationship therapists, trauma specialists, and neuros. Somatic and embodiment coaches, and [00:02:02] yes, Yogis, Tantrika, Reiki, Masters and Shaman leaders and guides of all kinds. And the one thing that I've learned is this, that in order to experience the kind of intimacy that we now desire and have it endure, we need new skills, new tools, and new ways of knowing ourselves.
And one another. Think about it for a moment. That's quite a bit of upleveling that wants to happen.
We need to learn new skills for communicating new tools for connection and new ways of knowing ourselves and another more deeply and fully over time. The truth is new skills, tools and understanding take time to learn, and then dedication and commitment to practice consistently, especially when as with all things new, it feels unfamiliar, sloppy, uncomfortable, unsettling, and [00:03:03] inconvenient.
In the beginning, we inevitably mess up, fall down over try and underdeliver, and then avoid practice. If we stick with it though, over time it does get easier, love gets stronger and passion, even in its natural ebbs and flows endures. And if it all doesn't, at least we know with certainty. That we've done everything that we can to give it our best shot.
And so if you're willing to show up for the game to get in there and be with the intensity of it and take good long water breaks when you need, then you set yourself up to receive all of the benefits of a nourishing, healthy way of loving and making love.
So what exactly are the skills and tools that you'll need to learn and where do we begin when it comes to self-awareness? Let me tell you a story. [00:04:04] Her Insta grid slid by under my swipes. If images could tell a story, then the wild untouchable in her is alive still. A friend told me to contact you. She texted me.
He said, You might be able to help me. Sleek straight hair framed her pretty face in a perfect V, and I wondered if when she let people close, it might not sting. Erin is my best friend. I love him more than anyone. It's just that sex has always been well awkward with him. Our conversation had moved to a call and I sensed nervousness, agitation, and doubt in her.
There are things that I want to do and try, but instead it's like I freeze. Erin's not the most confident in bed either, which makes two of us. I don't wanna make it worse. She continued to tell me that and had been this way for a long time, and that despite everything else being so good, she wasn't [00:05:05] sure that they should stay together.
And then I speak with Erin. Aaron too is magazine-cover striking Tall with an Easy Gate. He runs his own company, a successful consultancy in the heart of the city, and yet when I first speak to him via Zoom, he looks small behind his desk and guarded. It takes him a while to open up. When he finally does, he shares with me his love for Jas.
The ups and downs of their relationship and also his past. A family with a legacy of addiction and his own jealousy and possessiveness with Jas. Aaron assures me that he's done lots of work on himself already, and despite this and his initial holding back, he assures me that he is up for doing the work.
I feel the sincerity and willingness in his voice and willingness is key, because without it, it's game over before you even [00:06:06] begin. With any new client, I always ask how willing they are. Are they willing to give it a try? Are they willing to believe? At least in part, that however improbable it may feel at the.
That a resolution or positive outcome is at least possible.
In our first session together, I ask Jaz to share more about the freeze response she experiences in intimacy. I immediately see her body tense and she shifts uncomfortably on the sofa next to Erin. Her hands fold into her crossed legs, her body physically reflecting, the shutting down that happens in bed.
Our bodies store everything. The imprints of experiences we've had, especially the negative ones, show up in the present as sensation. Thankfully, the body, like a book can be read and understood, and when we learn to. And when we [00:07:07] learn to tune in through our physical sensations, the messages we receive from our bodies are clear, though not always verbally communicated.
So when we reach into the body, it's like opening a treasure. And brings us reliably and directly to the source of a thing that holds us back from having what we want and love and intimacy every single time.
So I ask Jas to remember what it's like when she freezes. It's a tightening in my chest. She says like, I can't breathe. Her eyes fold closed as she drops into the sensation in her. I almost immediately emotion surface. The tears come and the meme, you need to feel it to heal. It passes through my mind.
Aaron moves to comfort, Jas, but I ask him to sit back if there's one thing I've learned. It's that no one can do the work for you. Aaron's presence, his being there fully [00:08:08] without taking action to simply witness what Jas was moving through. It was all that was needed. Jasmine felt the support of Erin's presence and also the space to be with what was coming up in her on her own.
I turn my focus back to Jasmine. How old does this part of you in your chest feel? I ask her about seven. She responds in a small trembling voice. Yeah, she's just little. I. Softening my tone to match. And what does she need right now? I ask. She just wants to be held and to know it's going to be okay.
And then Jasmine smiles and laughs and she tells me she wants to run free in a field of wildflowers. Got it. I said, I guide Jasmine to feel for the part of her that can hold this little girl. Jasmine scans her body and notices her hands warm and tingle. She imagines [00:09:09] folding the little girl inside of her in a great big hug.
She then releases her into a field of wildflowers watching her run free as she does. I noticed Jazz's whole body relax and lighting tears dry, and Aaron teary eyed himself beside her also relaxes. I talk with Jasmine about how from now on when she feels her chest tightened in this way, she'll take care of the little girl inside of her and send her on her way so that the adult part of her confident easy in her.
And ready to ask for what she wants in the bedroom can be there fully. Over the course of the next few weeks, Jasmine shares that things have completely shifted in intimacy with Erin. They connect and communicate more easily, and sex no longer feels awkward to her.
In fact, it's never been better.
I noticed that Jasmine's face has somehow lost its sharp [00:10:10] angles. There's new depth receptivity and gentleness in her. She's softer and warmer, and Erin agrees the relationship takes on whole new dimensions. A rebloom has begun.
So what can we learn from this last story? Perhaps consider how often you pay attention.
And listen to the sensations in your body. Maybe consider asking your body what messages it might have when you next venture out on a Saturday night, whether it's on a first date, or to meet your long term partner. Notice what's happening in your body. Listen to her and ask her what she might need you to know, for you to find the love you want to keep it and to thrive in it.
We're coming close to the end of this episode, and before I go, I'd wanted to share with you one last thought. First of all, we've seen how intimacy is intense and challenges us [00:11:11] even in strong relationships like the kind Erin and Jasmine had.
We learned how to be more self aware and to understand ourselves more by reading the treasure map of our bodies. Listening to what it tells us and then giving ourselves what we need in the powerful presence of another. For the mutual benefit of both people in the relationship. How would it feel for you to take ownership and responsibility for what comes up within you in your relationship?
Secondly, we saw how simple and yet powerful it can be to support each other through presence. How might you be more present in your relationship and what might change as a result? Thirdly, I'd like to remind you that learning to relate better to ourselves one another, and ultimately the world that we live in is a lifelong process.
And so if you're thinking that this sounds hard or tricky or overwhelming, then know. You don't have to be perfect [00:12:12] at it, but you do have to be willing, willing to learn, willing to grow, and willing to change,
willing to connect to your body, willing to feel your emotions, and willing to change your mind in doing so, your experience of love and life itself. Day by day, minute by minute, moment by moment
will change too. So how willing are you and what is holding you back from having the love and intimacy that you want? Clue. Check in and ask your.
And if you'd like some help with this, then send me a message at andrea@lushcoaching.com and I'll share with you how you can work with me directly.
And this is the end of part three of this three part series on finding, keeping and thriving in [00:13:13] love.
Remember to listen to parts one and two if you haven't. And if you liked this and would love to hear more from me and the guests that I have that inspire, remember to subscribe, like, and share this podcast with anyone you think it might help.
So much love and pleasure to you. Goodbye.
Ep. 10 Surviving Intimacy : Part 2 – Keeping Love
In part 2 of Surviving Intimacy, we explore what it takes to keep love steady, especially in the early phases of relationship when we’re getting to know someone new.
I share a story about how one woman overcame her fear of intimacy and begin to date with confidence and joy – yes, even joy! – for the first time in her life.
And you’ll be left with some questions to sit with about what it is that would keep you, in love.
Powered by RedCircle
In part 2 of Surviving Intimacy, we explore what it takes to keep love steady, especially in the early phases of relationship when we’re getting to know someone new.
I share a story about how one woman overcame her fear of intimacy and begin to date with confidence and joy – yes, even joy! – for the first time in her life.
And you’ll be left with some questions to sit with about what it is that would keep you, in love.
Note: This series was originally created as a Masterclass for The Times and Sunday Times Life Lessons Festival in London, UK 2022.
Why are intimate relationships so intense?
Why is love so hard to find?
And once found so hard to keep?
And once kept so hard to survive, never mind thrive in?
From the disappointment of endless dating and constant swiping, to the destabilizing precariousness of early stage relationships, to the imminent frustration and tedious boredom of long term love.
We might begin to ask ourselves if intimate relationships are even worth it.
And then we remember what they promise.
If we could meet real love in a way that feels natural and easy, love that gives a sense of trust, safety and security in a challenging and ever changing world.
If we could feel the nourishment of deep, meaningful connection, and the richness and excitement of learning and growing together.
If we could experience the deliciousness of passion and the sparkle of erotic desire that adds so much aliveness and dimension to life
Then yes, we would answer that relationships are absolutely worth it.
But all of that is no small ask.
If you love what you hear, please leave us a rating and review on iTunes/Apple Podcasts.
Powered by RedCircle
In each of the 3 parts of this series we’ll consider…
PT 1: FINDING LOVE
- What it takes to find love on or offline.
- How to meet your person in a way that feels natural and easy
- Dissolving the things from the past that keep us from meeting our person.
PT 2: KEEPING LOVE
- The delicate dance of closeness and distance in intimate relationships
- Preparing your body, heart, mind and soul for long-term love
- What ‘healthy’ looks like in intimate relationships
PT 3: THRIVING IN LOVE LONG-TERM
- The skills and tools needed to make love and passion last over time
- How self-awareness and self-knowing allow for healthy adult relating
- And how to attain the awareness, skills and tools that long-term love asks for
Book in a 30 minute consultation call with Andrea and find love that lasts.
About Andrea:
Andrea Balboni is a certified Sex Love and Relationship Coach and founder of Lush Coaching. She helps smart successful heart-centered humans experience pleasure and fulfillment in their personal intimate lives and romantic relationships. From finding real love naturally and easily, to keeping it and deepening into healthy relationships, to thriving in passion and pleasure over the long-term, Andrea supports individuals and couples in all phases of love and relationships.
Find love with Andrea:
Roadmap to Relationships
A group coaching experience for women on finding love and keeping it
One-to-one Private Coaching
A limited number of spots are open. DM/email me to learn more and sign up.
andrea.lush.coach@gmail.com
Online Masterclass: Find, Keep and Thrive in Love
Learn to find real love and have a committed, long-term relationship. Tickets available on Eventbrite
Receive weekly Love Letters
Sign up for deep wisdom and practical skills and tools
https://www.lushcoaching.com/free
Work with me
Book in a 30 minute consultation call with Andrea
Let’s stay connected
Continue the conversation on Instagram at @andreabalboni_lush
Show us the love
And if you love the show, please leave us a rating and review on iTunes/Apple Podcasts.
Ep. 10 Surviving Intimacy : Part 2 – Keeping Love
Welcome to the lush love podcast. In part two of this three part series on surviving intimacy, how to find, keep, and thrive and love that lasts. I'm your host, Andrea Balboni. I'm a sex love and relationship coach and founder of lush. I help smart soulful heart centered humans, experience pleasure and fulfillment in relationships and intimacy from finding real love naturally and easily to keeping it and deepening into a healthy relationship to thriving and passion and pleasure.
Over the long term, I support individuals and couples in all phases of love. I leverage the full range of human experience. From body to heart from mind to soul to move you swiftly and powerfully towards healthy relating, and deep personal fulfillment. In part one, I finding love. I shared a story about how shame, guilt and fear around my sexuality and the erotic were keeping me from the love that I wanted in my.
listen to part one to hear how one evening under the thin veil of lace and silks. My life changed radically after that evening, as I became more and more comfortable in my body and in my own unique expression of the erotic, the walls around my heart softened. And eventually I met love. I'd made a vow to myself that if I could work out how to have an exceptional relationship and find the kind of love I wanted, that I'd help others do the same.
And so I left my 20 year career in tech to become a sex love and relationships coach, and began to share with others. What I'd learned about finding love and keeping it that is when Anna found. When I met Anna, her wide warm smile won me over instantly. She was easily likable. She told me about how she loved her job as a marketing manager, that she had great friends in a wonderful life.
But for one thing, she'd never known love. and she'd done everything to find it from online, dating to speed dating, to blind dating. She'd been on every app that you could think of. She'd even done years of therapy, but nothing worked. I was her last call when I asked Anna what she wanted in a relationship, she told me, you know, probably the usual stuff she said, like everyone else.
Someone to come home to and tell stories about the day someone to have fun with and go on dates with, you know, the small things. I also want the big stuff too, like to plan a future together, to have kids, maybe get a house, you know what everyone wants. But as Anna describes this to me, I felt a disconnect with what she was saying and what she truly wanted.
And so I asked her to tell me more. , you know, she shares, I just feel like I've not had the full experience of being human. I mean, I know relationships, aren't easy. I see how my friends struggle with kids and breaking up and getting together. And I just, I know it's not perfect, but it's an experience that I really want.
I totally get it whilst we all experience relationships of one kind or another in. The experience of intimate partnership is indeed unique. And Anna knows this. I ask her to share what more she might experience in life. If she had love in it while I've always wanted to skip work and drive off to the seaside with someone together, you know, I've never done that.
It sounds fun. I. And I ask Anna to imagine that day on the beach. I want her to really feel it in her body on a visceral level,
Anna takes a deep breath, lowers her gaze and eventually her eyes close as she begins to describe what it would be like to have that day on the beach. She tells me that she can feel the sand warm beneath her feet, the grains tickle her toes, that she can taste the salt and the sea air and feel the sun on her skin.
She hears the sound of children splashing in the shore, close by I, and she can sense that her partner is there with them, even though she can't see him clearly. I turn towards Anna and watches, the tears stream down her face. She shares with me that she's never actually felt what this day would be like to know the feeling of being that close to someone and the lightness, the joy and the purity of feeling that she'd experience as a result, and to know deep down.
That that possibility were a reality. That is until now. And this was Anna's first powerful step towards love because when your body begins to understand that you can have what you want and that you'll survive it, a shift happens a kind of movement forward towards what it is that you truly.
at the same time, the fears that hold us back surface as well. And Dana shares with me, her hesitation. It's just that I'm afraid this might all just mess up the life I've created for myself. I've got such a beautiful balance and it's taken me years to create this. In fact, Anna's fear was understandable because her life would.
As she shifted from living solely in the space of I, to the space of, we she'd have to learn to navigate that change. And this was something that she just wasn't prepared for because Anna, like all of us belongs to a world where we are not taught the skills or tools needed to do intimate relationships.
One of the most complicated things of. she belongs to a world where she's not likely to have seen or experienced the kind of relationship she wants in her family growing up, because let's face it. This kind of relationship rarely exists. Doesn't it. And in the professional world where competition and power over is valued over cooperation and power with.
Power with being the key ingredient to togetherness. Anna will simply not have the awareness skills or tools needed to do we a life of togetherness. So what can one do in this situation for whilst it's important for us to forge our own unique identities and retain our sense of me? We must also learn how to do we to keep the love we find and to thrive in it.
I'm going to say that again, whilst it's important for us to forge our own unique identities and retain our sense of me and intimacy, we must also learn how to do we skillfully. If we want to keep the love we find and to truly thrive in. Some of us struggle with too much closeness and intimate relationships.
And we feel suffocated are me dissolved by we, as I suspected Anite and others of us with too much distance, we feel alone. That sense of we lost the delicate dance that we do with one another is to find the right balance of closeness and of distance. A space where we are connected yet distinct. And in this space lies the possibility to see ourselves one another and the world in whole new ways.
And this is what excites and inspires us. It is a space where we can truly thrive. It's a space that's unique to intimate relationships.
over the course of our time together. Anna learned how to dance in this space between me and we. She owned her voice. She asked for what she needed and wanted, and then stepped back, allowing potential partners to step up. She began to shine. Doors were open for her heads, turned on the street and she received it all with grace and ease.
She had begun to do we well. And for the first time in her life, she felt desired
questions for you to move through. How much closeness do you need in a relationship and how much distance, what does your partner or potential partner need and want? can the two of you meet each other and dance together in a way that feels good to you, both
in roadmap to relationships, a group coaching program for single women on how to find, keep, and thrive and love will be answering these questions and more together enrollment four roadmap to relationships is now open. You can find information on the program. And join the course on my website@www.lu coaching.com.
There's a link in the show notes. If you'd prefer to work with me privately, then there are limited number of one to one coaching spaces, open for single people and for couples. email me at Andrea lush, coaching.com or message me on Instagram. And we'll talk about how I can support you to create the love and pleasure that you want.
This is the end of part two, keeping love, listen to part three, thriving in love to learn exactly how to thrive in intimacy over time and to make love last. See you.
Ep. 9 Surviving Intimacy : Part 1 – Finding Love
In part 1 of Surviving Intimacy, we explore what it is that keeps us from finding love.
I share a story on how I broke through the walls around my heart. And eventually found love after more than 15 years of being single.
And you’ll be left with some questions that will prompt you to think differently about what might be keeping you from finding the love that you want.
Powered by RedCircle
Note: This series was originally created as a Masterclass for The Times and Sunday Times Life Lessons Festival in London, UK 2022.
Why are intimate relationships so intense?
Why is love so hard to find?
And once found so hard to keep?
And once kept so hard to survive, never mind thrive in?
From the disappointment of endless dating and constant swiping, to the destabilizing precariousness of early stage relationships, to the imminent frustration and tedious boredom of long term love.
We might begin to ask ourselves if intimate relationships are even worth it.
And then we remember what they promise.
If we could meet real love in a way that feels natural and easy, love that gives a sense of trust, safety and security in a challenging and ever changing world.
If we could feel the nourishment of deep, meaningful connection, and the richness and excitement of learning and growing together.
If we could experience the deliciousness of passion and the sparkle of erotic desire that adds so much aliveness and dimension to life
Then yes, we would answer that relationships are absolutely worth it.
But all of that is no small ask.
In part 1 of Surviving Intimacy, we explore what it is that keeps us from finding love.
I share a story on how I broke through the walls around my heart. And eventually found love after more than 15 years of being single.
And you’ll be left with some questions that will prompt you to think differently about what might be keeping you from finding the love that you want.
If you love what you hear, please leave us a rating and review on iTunes/Apple Podcasts.
In each of the 3 parts of this series we’ll consider…
PT 1: FINDING LOVE
- What it takes to find love on or offline.
- How to meet your person in a way that feels natural and easy
- Dissolving the things from the past that keep us from meeting our person.
PT 2: KEEPING LOVE
- The delicate dance of closeness and distance in intimate relationships
- Preparing your body, heart, mind and soul for long-term love
- What ‘healthy’ looks like in intimate relationships
PT 3: THRIVING IN LOVE LONG-TERM
- The skills and tools needed to make love and passion last over time
- How self-awareness and self-knowing allow for healthy adult relating
- And how to attain the awareness, skills and tools that long-term love asks for
Book in a 30 minute consultation call with Andrea and find love that lasts.
About Andrea:
Andrea Balboni is a certified Sex Love and Relationship Coach and founder of Lush Coaching. She helps smart successful heart-centered humans experience pleasure and fulfillment in their personal intimate lives and romantic relationships. From finding real love naturally and easily, to keeping it and deepening into healthy relationships, to thriving in passion and pleasure over the long-term, Andrea supports individuals and couples in all phases of love and relationships.
Find love with Andrea:
Roadmap to Relationships
A group coaching experience for women on finding love and keeping it
One-to-one Private Coaching
A limited number of spots are open. DM/email me to learn more and sign up.
andrea.lush.coach@gmail.com
Online Masterclass: Find, Keep and Thrive in Love
Learn to find real love and have a committed, long-term relationship. Tickets available on Eventbrite
Receive weekly Love Letters
Sign up for deep wisdom and practical skills and tools
https://www.lushcoaching.com/free
Work with me
Book in a 30 minute consultation call with Andrea
Let’s stay connected
Continue the conversation on Instagram at @andreabalboni_lush
Show us the love
And if you love the show, please leave us a rating and review on iTunes/Apple Podcasts.
Ep. 9 Surviving Intimacy : Part 1 – Finding Love
Welcome to lush. Love the podcast in this three part series on surviving intimacy. I'm your host, Andrea Balboni a sex love and relationships coach for anyone who wants to find, keep and thrive in love.
this is part one on finding love. In this episode, I'll share with you a very personal story. On what it took for me to finally find love after being single for nearly 15 years.
I'll leave you with some questions to ponder and I'll invite you to explore ways to move forward so that you too can find the love that you want. .
It was a soft, warm summer's. Outside lightning bugs lit up the cool dark air and a punctuated rhythm. I was standing in the Oak lined hallway of an elegant manner house. Deep in the English countryside lights were out nervous, giggles, sprinkled the space between us with their sweet sound. We were a small group of women, about 12 in total.
lace sometimes black, sometimes red and cheer, silks, and chiffon graced, otherwise naked bodies. As I looked around me, I thought how refreshing it was to see such a wide variety of shapes and forms. There was space for me in the difference I was dressed in a black lace Bodi. With a dramatic V cut down the front, small chains, sparkling rhinestones held it and me together, but just barely.
I'd never owned anything like this in my life, never mind what I was about to do in it. It had taken me months to get at the nerve to push through the heavy doors of the lingerie shop. It was the most expensive one on the high. I couldn't fathom anything less ensure I'd own a few pairs of matching lingerie sets in my life, but I'd never dared tried on anything else.
In my mind, only certain types of women wore what I had on now. And I definitely was not one of them. There was judgment and criticism and that thought, and also a kind of yearning. Mixed with envy and some curiosity. And so now standing there with a group of similarly dressed women shivering in my lace.
I wondered why, why had I signed up for this? Was this really going to help me to find love and was what I was about to do even. Okay. I'd managed to cultivate incredible friendships throughout my life. Pretty much effortlessly. So why was this finding love so difficult? The music came on and the lights dimmed and trembling like a leaf in the night.
I stepped onto the stage.
Intimate relationships are unique and that they contain an intensity, like no other in this kind of intimacy. We open all of ourselves to another. We open our hearts, our minds, and also our bodies and the mystery of the erotic that lies there. we allow more of ourselves to be seen. And often by only a select few, we hope that when seen fully that will be desired.
And when we aren't, it's devastating, our sexuality is one of the deepest, most sacred. Beautiful and natural parts of us. And yet, rather than learn how to protect this part of ourselves through safe boundaries around sex, we're taught to fear it completely, rather than talk openly about it. We learn that the subject is tab boo, and rather than celebrate the nourishment of healthy pleasure, we judge criticize and shame those who embody it easily and natural.
and then we carry the same shame, guilt and fear within us. That same shame, guilt and fear had created a high wall around me and yes, behind it, I was safe yet. It also kept me far away from the love and intimacy that I deeply desired. I didn't realize any of this though, as I shivered in my lace that warm summers night poised to perform my first ever stripped tease at the toter of retreat, I was on looking back on it.
Now that evening marked the beginning of a journey deep into me, a journey of trust in myself, a journey of knowing my body, a journey of letting go of the past and of stepping into the beauty of the essential and the erotic within. so that I could be seen in all ways by the people I was attracted to and to let love in
do shame, guilt, and fear around your sexuality. Hold you back from love. Here are some questions for you to journal on or simply to consider as you listen. What old learned beliefs around intimacy and sex, no longer serve you. What new beliefs might you replace those with? And if you could write your new truth around relationships, sex, and intimacy to reflect those new beliefs, what might that truth sound?
in roadmap to relationships, a group coaching program for single women on how to find, keep and thrive in love. We'll be answering these and other questions around relationships and intimacy enrollment is now open and I invite you in. If you are a woman who's looking for love. You can find information on roadmap on my website at lush coaching.com/relationship-roadmap.
There's a link in the show notes.
If you'd prefer to work with me privately, then there are a limited number of one to one coaching spaces, open for single people. And for couple. you can message me at Andrea lush, coaching.com. And we'll talk about how I can support you to create the love and the pleasure that you want in your life.
I invite you to listen to part two of this three part series on how to keep love coming up next.
Ep. 8 Surviving Intimacy : a 3 part series on finding, keeping and thriving in love – Introduction
Why are intimate relationships so intense?
Why is love so hard to find? And once found so hard to keep? And once kept so hard to survive, never mind thrive in?
From the disappointment of endless dating and constant swiping, to the destabilizing precariousness of early stage relationships, to the imminent frustration and tedious boredom of long term love. We might begin to ask ourselves if intimate relationships are even worth it.
And then we remember what they promise.
Note: This series was originally created as a Masterclass for The Times and Sunday Times Life Lessons Festival in London, UK 2022.
Why are intimate relationships so intense?
Why is love so hard to find?
And once found so hard to keep?
And once kept so hard to survive, never mind thrive in?
From the disappointment of endless dating and constant swiping, to the destabilizing precariousness of early stage relationships, to the imminent frustration and tedious boredom of long term love.
We might begin to ask ourselves if intimate relationships are even worth it.
And then we remember what they promise.
If we could meet real love in a way that feels natural and easy, love that gives a sense of trust, safety and security in a challenging and ever changing world.
If we could feel the nourishment of deep, meaningful connection, and the richness and excitement of learning and growing together.
If we could experience the deliciousness of passion and the sparkle of erotic desire that adds so much aliveness and dimension to life
Then yes, we would answer that relationships are absolutely worth it.
But all of that is no small ask.
Powered by RedCircle
In each of the 3 parts of this series we’ll consider…
PT 1: FINDING LOVE
- What it takes to find love on or offline.
- How to meet your person in a way that feels natural and easy
- Dissolving the things from the past that keep us from meeting our person.
PT 2: KEEPING LOVE
- The delicate dance of closeness and distance in intimate relationships
- Preparing your body, heart, mind and soul for long-term love
- What ‘healthy’ looks like in intimate relationships
PT 3: THRIVING IN LOVE LONG-TERM
- The skills and tools needed to make love and passion last over time
- How self-awareness and self-knowing allow for healthy adult relating
- And how to attain the awareness, skills and tools that long-term love asks for
Show us the love
And if you love the show, please leave us a rating and review on iTunes/Apple Podcasts.
Book in a 30 minute consultation call with Andrea and find love that lasts.
About Andrea:
Andrea Balboni is a certified Sex Love and Relationship Coach and founder of Lush Coaching. She helps smart successful heart-centered humans experience pleasure and fulfillment in their personal intimate lives and romantic relationships. From finding real love naturally and easily, to keeping it and deepening into healthy relationships, to thriving in passion and pleasure over the long-term, Andrea supports individuals and couples in all phases of love and relationships.
Find love with Andrea:
Roadmap to Relationships
A group coaching experience for women on finding love and keeping it
One-to-one Private Coaching
A limited number of spots are open. DM/email me to learn more and sign up.
andrea.lush.coach@gmail.com
Online Masterclass: Find, Keep and Thrive in Love
Learn to find real love and have a committed, long-term relationship. Tickets available on Eventbrite
Receive weekly Love Letters
Sign up for deep wisdom and practical skills and tools
https://www.lushcoaching.com/free
Work with me
Book in a 30 minute consultation call with Andrea
Let’s stay connected
Continue the conversation on Instagram at @andreabalboni_lush
Show us the love
And if you love the show, please leave us a rating and review on iTunes/Apple Podcasts.
Ep. 8 Surviving Intimacy : a 3 part series on finding, keeping and thriving in love – Introduction
Why are intimate relationships so intense?
Why is love so hard to find?
And once found so hard to keep?
And once kept so hard to survive, never mind thrive in?
From the disappointment of endless dating and constant swiping, to the destabilising precariousness of early stage relationships, to the imminent frustration and tedious boredom of long term love.
We might begin to ask ourselves if intimate relationships even worth it.
And then we remember what they promise.
If we could meet real love in a way that feels natural and easy, love that gives a sense of trust, safety and security in a challenging and ever changing world.
If we could feel the nourishment of deep, meaningful connection, and the richness and excitement of learning and growing together.
If we could experience the deliciousness of passion and the sparkle of erotic desire that adds so much aliveness and dimension to life
Then yes, we would answer that relationships are absolutely worth it.
But all of that is no small ask.
I'm your host, Andrea Balboni, and welcome to the lush love podcast series on surviving intimacy.
Intimacy is indeed intense and complex. And yet no one has taught us to navigate it all. Not our friends, not our families, not at school nor, and our professional lives. Instead we're told that with the right person, it will all just happen from romantic, beginning to sunset ending.
And when it doesn't, we feel like we've failed. so what can we do? Our healthy long-term relationships, even realistic. Is it really possible to find love easily, to stay steady through its ups and downs and to sustain passion and desire over time? If the answer could be yes. What would it take to actually make it happen?
These are some of the questions that I asked myself over the past 20. for the 15 years that I was single and looking for love in the past seven years. And my professional work as a sex love and relationships coach and in conversations with hundreds of people looking for finding and being in love. It is my belief that intimate relationships do indeed offer us the unique opportunity to know ourselves each other.
And the world in ways that no other type of relationship can. So what can we do to create them this three part series on finding, keeping and thriving in love begins to speak to this. I invite you to listen in ponder and explore for yourself what it means to thrive in intimacy.
Ep. 7 Pandora Paloma on how to find love and grow a thriving business at the same time
Pandora has created a multi six figure business in the matter of a few years…AND she has found love along the way.
Neither journey has been without its challenges, but when you’re committed to a life of growth and evolution, Pandora proves you can ask for more – and get it.
In this honest and very real conversation, Pandora shares with us how she’s found love that feels right without having to compromise any part of her to get it.
‘It’s taken me years to create the balance that I’ve got now in my life, what will I have to compromise in my life to let love in?’
I get asked this all the time by smart, successful women who have it all in life – but for love.
And so I wanted to get Pandora Paloma in the room, because she, like me, believes in the ‘both and’ when it comes to love and business success.
Pandora has created a multi six figure business in the matter of a few years…AND she has found love along the way.
Neither journey has been without its challenges, but when you’re committed to a life of growth and evolution, Pandora proves you can ask for more – and get it.
In this honest and very real conversation, Pandora shares with us how she’s found love that feels right without having to compromise any part of her to get it.
Powered by RedCircle
Listen in as we discuss…
- How to navigate growing a thriving business and finding love at the same time.
- What it took to get there.
- The benefits of having both and – is it really possible to have it all at once?
- Lessons learned from love lost along the way
- The qualities of a partner able to be with you as you grow and thrive in your business, co-parent your child, and enjoy the togetherness of love.
- How knowing what you want is foundational to making it happen.
- What to expect from an intimate relationship – what’s too much to ask. And what’s not enough.
- What it takes to keep love going for the long term. How to make love last.
Show us the love
And if you love the show, please leave us a rating and review on iTunes/Apple Podcasts.
Book in a 30 minute consultation call with Andrea and find love that lasts.
Connect here with Pandora:
Coming up this September
www.pandorapaloma.com/masterminds
Pandora’s world
Connect with Pandora on Insta
https://www.instagram.com/pandorapaloma_
About our guest:
Pandora Paloma is a business coach and works with quantum transformation. She plays in both the realms of energetics and business strategy. Prior to coaching, she worked in communications for some of the biggest brands in the world on their visibility through messaging, marketing and communications. She combines this experience with energetics, mindset and different coaching tools to help women stand out from the crowd and build businesses that feel like home.
Find love with Andrea:
Roadmap to Relationships
A group coaching experience for women on finding love and keeping it
Receive weekly Love Letters
Sign up for deep wisdom and practical skills and tools
Ep. 7 Pandora Paloma on how to find love and grow a thriving business at the same time
[00:00:00] Andrea: Hello, and welcome to lush. Love the podcast. I'm Andrea Balboni sex, love and relationships coach for smart soulful women. Ready to experience real love, healthy, intimate relationships and pleasure and passion that lasts over time. In this podcast, we'll explore the nuance and complexity of intimate relationships so that finding love and keeping it feels more natural, easy, and empower.
Will expand into the mystery of the erotic to experience our potential for pleasure and the power that lies they're in. We'll expand into the mystery of the erotic to experience our potential for pleasure and the power that lies they're in. I invite wisdom holders, thought leaders and teachers and guides of all kinds to share, not only what it means to be nourished by deep, meaningful connection, passion, and.
but how to move through the intensity of intimacy on all levels of our being so that we can truly thrive and love over time. It is my belief that intimate relationships offer us the greatest opportunity to know ourselves one another and the world in whole new ways. And it is through this experience of ourselves.
And one another that we expand into more of who we truly. This podcast is for the multidimensional woman ready for a more full experience of the richness of love, the beauty of connection and the power of pleasure.
[00:01:36] Andrea: So I am so excited to welcome to the room today at Pandora Paloma, she is my business mentor and also a soul guide to me. And I have watched her followed her and have been guided by her now. For some time and she is an incredible, incredible woman. And I wanted to invite her here to speak to all of you about how she's doing it.
So she has a fantastic business that she's grown pretty quickly. And she also is currently developed. She tells me, and we'll hear more about this in our chat is creating the relationship that she wants at the same time. So she's experiencing phenomenal growth, not just in her career, in her business, but also in love, also in relationship.
And I know for many people that tends to be a give or take or a very, very difficult struggle. So I'm super curious to hear more about how Pandora's doing it, how she's done it and her journey. I'm gonna ask her to tell her, tell you a little bit about herself first and then we'll get into it. So Pandora take it.
[00:02:42] Pandora: Thank you for having me. Yeah. What an intro?
I am Pandora Paloma. I'm a business coach business. And I suppose quantum transformation in that I play in both realms of energetics and strategy. So prior to coaching, I worked in communications. I worked for some of the biggest brands Selfridges. I worked with Proctor and gamble on various brands.
I worked with brands like Volkswagen and radar and QVC, like big, big, big brands on ultimately their visibility. So they're messaging their marketing and how they were communicating with the world. And I really love using. Everything I learned within that career in now what I teach and coach with women.
And I've used all of that with energetics and obviously mindset and different coaching tools to help women stand up from the crowd and build businesses that feel like home. And the only other thing that I need to say is I love my job. . And you're great at it. It's so wonderful to be in your space and to learn and, and to grow with you.
[00:03:49] Andrea: It's been amazing. Thank you. So I was wondering for all those women out there who are strong, independent, creative, Kind of nailing it in the world. Really. They're really doing what they wanna do and they love, they have perhaps even many times people tell me my social. Life's great too. Friends are fantastic.
I love my family. It's just this thing of love. I struggle with it. I struggle to find relationship. And to be honest with you, I've created such a beautiful balance in my life. Now I'm afraid that a relationship might interrupt or disrupt my life and not in a good way. It might throw me off balance, throw me off kilter and derail me or detract from my career, from what I've created for myself.
So I know that this has been a journey for you, a continual one. So I was wondering if you could tell me a little bit about how you got to where you're at now, which I understand is in a partnership, a beautiful, beautiful love
A love partnership that feels really good and quite imbalance with your life.
So I would love to hear a bit about your journey. I will start with one of the biggest decisions that I had to make. In my business for my business was actually ending a relationship that wasn't in alignment with where I knew I was going. And I think that that's important to share because it takes such courage.
[00:05:10] Pandora: I've just done well, I'm in the process of doing a three part podcast series for my own podcast around. What were the things that I shifted and created and how I scaled ultimately at the, not to 5k mark five to K five to 10 K and then six figures to multi six, which is where I'm at now. And that latter part, one of the things was ending a relationship that I knew wasn't supporting me and where I was going.
We, we had grown apart. We were doing, we had different values and I knew that. I had to prioritize where I wanted to go in my business over that relationship. Not because I didn't love him, but it was just so. So obvious to me that that had to happen. And actually it really sort of catapulted my business.
And I was saying to you kind of, since then, I've been a bit on a bit of a journey of kind of really looking at, well, what do I want a relationship to look like? Feel like
What does a divine partnership look like for me?
It was interesting that I kind of went from someone who
Was very much like enjoyed the nine to five
You know, very sort of structured, I would say, not particularly a visionary to my next relationship.
Someone who was as visionary as me as ambitious as me. And it equally became pretty messy because there was just no room for, you know, both of us in that. In that
In that, in that space. And then since then, and that was a pretty hard relationship for me, but it taught me a lot about love. And it taught me a lot about, I suppose, myself, because in sort of any relationships that I ended up in post, that I realized that I.
Was the person that she was in that relationship. So, you know, I had people being like, you always work all the time and it was like, oh, okay. I see the lesson here. I, you know
I think that, so what happened for me quite recently, and really dear relationship was someone that I think needed a lot more for me than I was able to give.
And I was saying to you earlier, you know, I. I just knew. And I had to make that decision again, of like, I know when I'm in balance. I know when I feel aligned, I know what's important to me and I truly believe that I can have it all. And I think where. This is where communication is really key. So I remember at the start of this particular relationship saying, yeah, you know, I, I want someone I can travel with and I want someone I can kind of, you know, do things with, but this particular person worked on the weekends and I worked in the week.
So it became quite. Kind of difficult for us to actually have that time.
And also I have a daughter, so I co-parent, and it was suddenly like, you know, this person was around on the week and then working on the weekend, I was around on the weekend. It was a bit like, actually this is not, not gonna work.
This is not gonna work, you know, time wise.
And actually I think that person did need more of me than I was able to give. And at the end of that, I sort of, again, I think every relationship builds on the lessons and I've definitely had, you know, my fair share of. Learnings in relationships, but I knew I was like, okay.
I now feel like I found the balance. I understand what balance is. Cuz I've had someone who's just like me and then someone who's got a lot more time and actually I need someone who's kind of in the middle of those things. And also what's been fascinating, I think for me, and this is just a sort of personal thing to share is that.
I went from dating men to then dating women. And I'm now back dating men again. And a big part of that was actually what I'm looking for because I'm so in my masculine, in my work, I actually really wanna be in my feminine, in my relationship. And it took maybe for me to. Try. the different flavors to be like, ah, I think this is the flavor that I'm looking for.
And so my now partnership with someone who's a little bit older than me.
They work for someone else, but are looking to kind of build their own thing at some point. So they've got that vision. They've got that ambition
And they really hold that kind of masculine in the relationship, which means that I can be so in my feminine, once I put the laptop down and.
So far so good. It's really working for me and I've never, ever felt compromised on my, my time, my business, you know, and, and ultimately anything else in my life it's important. And I think for, you know, anyone who is thises, it's like, oh, can I really have it all? Absolutely. But I think that communication has to come first of like, this is who I am, this is what I'm available for.
This is what I'm not, and this is, this is it. This is what I can offer, you know? Amazing. Yeah. Wow. It's been a journey and like, I, like you say it sometimes takes, and I think this is a difficult one, but it does sometimes take a few different relationships to understand where not always, but oftentimes it will take a few different.
Experiences to understand where, what feels right, what feels good
With where we're we're at. And there's also reality. And the reality is that time is what it is and schedules are what they are. And so it's also finding some, it sounds a little less romantic in a way, and it, maybe it is because it's more logistical, but it also impacts how we live.
So if your schedule or your way of living and working is very different from someone else's then yeah. That you can. an impact. And I think, I think you can. Make it work. So, you know, my partner now lives in London and I live in Kent and we
Both have daughters. And so it's been interesting to kind of we've, we've slightly shifted it now.
So that from September, our weeks with our children are the same, so that our weeks without our daughters are the same and we can spend more time together. But what's been interesting about this is that, you know, yeah, there are boundaries, but actually it's never been an issue. It's never once been an issue, you know?
And I think that's because there's a certain level of independence on both sides that, and, and, and a, and a certain level of trust, you know, that's just so foundational. So when we're apart, it's like, yeah, I miss you. But I'm also okay. Getting on with my life and my business over here and he's doing the same.
And then we really, you know, make the most of the time that we really do have so. You know, it absolutely can work. It's setting those really, really healthy foundations. Hmm. And that's something that I'm speaking to more and more these days, this dance between I'll call it me and we. So how and how much one person might need and want.
[00:11:54] Andrea: We might be very different from a how another person might really want the we and what you also need for that time alone and on your. and it sounds like in this, in this journey, in this process, that you've found someone where there is a health where you're sort of that space that you're holding together, that you have in that time together is enough for both of you.
It may not be the case if it were someone different and it hasn't been the case for you, if it were someone different who had a different, had a different set of needs or desires for what a relationship might look like. And so there's. In that dance, there's not necessarily a right or a wrong. I feel that every relationship has a different shape and form.
It depends on the two people that come together to create it. And what you've done over time, what you've created
Is this space for you both to be who not only who you are. And express yourselves in the different spaces that you're in on your own, but when you come together to really be present in that time together and have that and feel really good and solid in it.
[00:12:57] Pandora: Yeah. That's like a beautiful
For, like you say, like you're acknowledging for right now, this is how it feels, this is how it is it's working and
[00:13:06] Andrea: You're growing that together. So yeah. There's space to be in. Yeah. Yeah. It's beautiful. It is. And it's, I think it's really easy for us to kind of judge as we move along like, oh, you know, maybe I'm giving too much, or maybe I'm not giving enough instead this, the, the thought process for you or what I'm hearing that the shift that happened for you is that it's not that you weren't able to give more it's that level of giving or being for the other person, just wasn't what they needed and that's it.
[00:13:36] Pandora: And it's. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. It's find some finding someone who has a similar, I suppose, love language, but also, you know, different the same, the same level of needs as you, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Amazing. Yeah, I think, I think that, you know, for me, I, I suppose in the work that I do as well, you know, I need a lot of time alone, as much as I need time with others.
And I'm really clear that sort of one person will not give me everything that I need will not meet all of my needs. And I wonder if that has come with age and, and the work that we did together. Roles reverse where you were sort of coaching me. You know, you really helped me to understand what meeting my own needs looks like.
And that became a really strong foundation for me to be able to then invite someone in, you know, knowing like I meet these needs for me first. And then I get these needs met with this friend and this friend and this friend, and, and then my partner gets to bring this and meet these needs, you know? I say that as someone who's pretty needy relationships, , I've really learned to be like, okay, this person is not gonna save me nor, you know, can be my everything.
So what do I want them to fill me up with? You know, what do I want them to, to, to be my support in? And yeah, it's really beautiful. Hmm. And. To add onto that. There's also certain things that a, that a, an intimate partner can bring an ad to your life. A, a unique dimension that other relationships, whether it's friendships or pets, even, or nature relationship with nature, the world that that can fill you in a certain way.
[00:15:24] Andrea: And then a partner can only really. Take the space, the shape of, of intimacy as well. And so it's also understanding, okay, what can the world give me? What can my friendships and community give me? And then what unique things or what unique, really unique flavors that only someone who's this close. What can they bring and how does that look?
And you've gotten so much clarity on it. and it's a beautiful, again, a beautiful space to dance in because when you can be clear with the other person as well and what it is you want, then they'll also recognize, okay. Yeah, I can do that. I can step up for that. I can be there for that. And that feels exciting to.
and it gives them permission to also ask for what they want and need as well. So I'm not sure if that was your experience in this
And this coming closer to someone, but
[00:16:12] Pandora: Yeah, definitely. Definitely. I think I was also just to kind of bring it back in terms of the conversation we were having about, you know, Fearing that they're gonna have to compromise.
I feel like in sort of certain dating experiences prior to this relationship, I wasn't maybe as clear with them on who I am and what my ambitions are and where I, where I desire to go in life. And. You know, I think that comes from confidence and it comes from really continuing to be okay with who I am and what I desire and what my truth is.
Right. But I remember sort of at the beginning, like, you know, he asked me about my business and I was really, really clear on like, these are my goals. Like I'm pretty ambitious and you know, this is it, this is me. I'm not gonna change. And that I think in itself was again, you know, just reinforced that really healthy foundation because just being clear, I'm not, you know, I think sometimes in relationships, people think.
They put on you, what they think you're gonna be or what they want you to be. And actually I felt the clearer that I can be on. Like, this is who I am. You know, it means that I'm not gonna suddenly have that conversation where like, oh, you are doing this or you, you know, suddenly you're doing this. Like I've always been this person.
[00:17:37] Andrea: This is just me, you know? Yeah. Yeah. And you've shown up that way in your, in the space that you've created for, for work for business more and more. So you talk often about how stepping into more and more of who you are and having that be visible and seen. This is something that I'm learning through you.
Yeah.
In the space that, that you work in has really freed you up to not just expand your business in ways. At a rate that maybe you, we never really know the timeline, right? Sometimes we're happy with it other times. We're not. So I'm not gonna qualify it in that way, but just having understood that the more you showed up in work in career and the business that you're creating as yourself, the more you found people would be drawn to you, who are the right people for you and for, for your, for what you teach.
Yeah, and it sounds like that's quite a parallel with this, with relationship and what's happening there because we'll often talk about authentic dating and showing up authentically and as the real you in intimacy and relationships, and that can feel super scary. At first, if we don't also have some boundaries, an understanding of, okay, I'm stepping towards intimacy, but what actually feels safe to share and what actually doesn't.
And so it's titrating it's it's and you've spoken to this as well in, in the business space. It's almost okay. Yes. We're showing up as our authentic selves. Yes. For showing up as more of ourselves and right now with where I'm at, what's a responsible.
What's responsible for myself or my nervous system for my being amount to actually show to the world or share with the world.
And so it's this kind of interesting balance and it's very nuanced in this desire to show up as your full self and what actually feels safe and building the capacity to feel safe enough to show up as more and more of yourself. So we're talking about it as if it's kind of like a thing. Yeah. Show up as more of your.
But I'm just acknowledging that it's been a process for certainly, certainly for me and continues to be. And it's
As you described it, a process and a journey for you as well, so. really just wanting to acknowledge for anyone who's listening. If they're struggling to show up as their most authentic self mm-hmm in whether it's in the space of dating or in their career, in their relationship, that it is because it is nuanced it's responsibility to self and to the world to be able to hold yourself in the amount that you actually
Can and are ready for
Showing up as, and also for what the.
Your perception sometimes, and the other person is ready to receive. So nuance. I love nuance. So nuanced and, and such a journey. You know, you are finding more and more and more about who you are and what you stand for and you know, your truth and your expression all the time. If you choose that, right?
[00:20:36] Pandora: Some people are super happy where they're at, you know, but if you are interested in self-discovery self-development, you are continue, continue to find more and more of you. And something I think is really beautiful just to kind of sprinkle onto that is. You know, you are a multidimensional being, you know, and you are continuously growing and evolving.
So there's gonna be new versions of you that you haven't even met yet that, you know, suddenly wanna come out and play. And it's like, oh, so I used to think that, and I used to be that, and now I think this, and I'm now I'm being this and. That's also. Okay. And, and I say that from, from a business perspective, you know, something I see a lot of women struggle with is that sort of showing up online and what should I show and what should I share?
You are a multidimensional being, you cannot possibly show all of you in a 62nd reel or a series of 62nd reels over the course of a year, because you are too unique. Like, do you know what I mean? Like what people see of me behind the scenes is probably really different to what people see of me online.
You're not seeing me in real life. You're not seeing me in a vulnerable state. You're not seeing me when I'm being sexy with my partner. Like you don't need to see that because who I am online is who I am in business. And I can also kind of pick and choose. And I can't possibly share all of me. Right. I think that's something we have to get our heads around.
Like, I love that what I've seen of my partner so far is what I've seen of him. And I'm gonna see so many different sides to him. And as he grows and evolves, there's gonna be more sides of him that even he hasn't shown before. Do you know what I mean? It's, it's really, it's a beautiful journey that we all get to explore.
[00:22:15] Andrea: And I think the more that we're comfortable and that's change as well, isn't it? So it's getting comfortable. It's change I think is also, you know, it's, that's, that's. Certainly I'll speak for myself. Only a lifelong for me. I see it as a lifelong practice is getting comfortable with impermanence and change
And being open to what might show up.
And seeing and sense checking. Okay. With what's showing up now here with me, with my partner, does that still feel aligned with who I want to become or who I'm becoming and the parts of me that maybe I feel like I've left behind or leaving and shedding, and as he shifts in changes and, and may or may not come along for that ride, is this, are we still in congruence?
Is this still making sense? Does he still wanna come along for the journey and. I would say in that respect, it's a bit of an open ended question because we can't predict how things are going to be. And so it's a gentle hold. Even if your intention is for a long term relationship, potentially for the rest of your life, understanding that, okay, that may or may not happen.
And we never really know that right now it can be in our intention, but we, we, we can't really hold onto it as a, as a factor guarantee because nothing ever. Yeah is forever in the form that it is right now. And I know you've spoken to the people who aren't maybe. Wanting to change or move or develop or expand, or however, whatever words you want to use.
For it as much, they may be in a different space with it. The pace may be slower. However, I feel like we're all on a bit of a change path, whether we like it or not, and yeah, you can stay in the space that you're in, for sure. However, there's, there's always gonna be things, even if they're externalities that'll change and shift.
So, but to come back to the point , which is
As you mentioned, just seeing. I'm seeing what I'm feeling and, and sensing from you is this openness to discovery of what might show up in the other person that you haven't calculated for or seen, or, or can know, and as well as within yourself and being accepting of, okay, what may show up, maybe something that will, will be triggering or challenging to be with.
Do we have the skills? Do we have the tools? Do we have the awareness to be with that? When it happens? I think that's been one of the most valuable things, certainly, certainly for me and the work that I do and what I share with the people that I work with is equipping them with the skills and tools. And, and that doesn't just mean tactical, practical things though.
It often does. It's also the skills and the tools for self-awareness. Mm. So there's an awareness piece, and then there's actually practical things you can do for communication, for intimacy, for connection for closeness. So it's kind of. Really complete toolbox that
That you wanna give to someone, or I hope to gift to the people that I work with or share with the people that I work with so that we can be with the change as it happens in the most graceful way that messy change can feel yeah,
[00:25:28] Pandora: 100% agree.
[00:25:31] Andrea: Good. Yay. We're in alignment then on that. So if
If you were to speak to yourself, maybe two or three relationships back even, or even thinking about the time, cause I feel like there's been such an evolution when we began our work together. You and I, in the space of intimacy and relationships, if you could speak to her, what might you say trust yourself?
[00:26:00] Pandora: Yeah, trust yourself.
At that particular time I was coming out of, but sort of then ended up back in again, in a relationship that I just knew whilst the love was there was just not good for me. Right. Not, not, there was so much love, but just not good for me. And. , you know, it love can be a funny thing, can't it?
You know?
But I knew, I knew it wasn't good for me
In that way. And I, you know, it was hard to trust myself, but behind everything I find certainly in business
And, and very much in life, you know, building that self trust, like I trust myself to know. If this isn't right, I'll be okay. I trust myself to know.
You know, if I feel like we C can make it work, then I have it within me to do it. You know, I trust myself to make decisions in business. I trust myself to close containers when they don't feel aligned anymore. I trust myself to invest in the coach. You know, it's so much comes down to self trust. And I think that was sort of a really big, you know, big learning for me at that time.
[00:27:21] Andrea: Yeah. And wisdom that you share now so beautifully. So thank you for that. It's one of the biggest pieces I'm taking away for sure, from our time together as
Yeah. As someone that you're, that you're working with. So thank you for that lessons shared or like their, I think the richness of, of life really.
Just really appreciating that. Yeah. Okay. So if we wanted to, or someone wanted to learn more about you work with you possibly just absorb more of you, then what's the best way that they could do that. So probably finding me on Instagram at Pandora, Paloma underscore
[00:28:03] Pandora: My website is Pandora, paloma.com.
And from there. You'll be able to find all of the things . If you head to the website, sign up to the newsletter or come and say hi on Instagram, who always love meeting new people, knowing where they're at. Certainly if they're in business
Yeah. That's where you can find me. Amazing. Thank you so much.
[00:28:26] Andrea: Any last words for anyone out there might be listening
[00:28:32] Pandora: behind. Everything is love. Yeah, behind everything is love. I always feel like there's fear or love and choose love. . Yeah.
[00:28:45] Andrea: Beautiful. Thank you, Pandora. Thanks for so much for coming. Thank you. Thank you. Bye.
Ep. 2 Thriving Through Menopause with Clarissa Kristjansson
I didn’t know just how much perimenopause was a mind, body, emotion shift for women until speaking with Clarissa. In fact, I didn’t know much about the menopause at all. I’m so glad that I had this conversation with Clarissa as I feel much more ready for this next phase in life – and believe that it will help you too.
I didn’t know just how much perimenopause was a mind, body, emotion shift for women until speaking with Clarissa. In fact, I didn’t know much about the menopause at all. I’m so glad that I had this conversation with Clarissa as I feel much more ready for this next phase in life – and believe that it will help you too.
Clarissa Kristjansson is a holistic health consultant, mindfulness practitioner, best-selling author and podcaster. She works with women going through perimenopause to help them find ways to better manage this transition. She's the author of the best seller, The Mindful Menopause, and host of Thriving Through Menopause, the podcast.
Listen below, or tune in via: Apple Podcasts or Spotify.
(Full transcript below)
Listen in as we discuss:
The mystery around the Menopause
How everyone experiences the change differently
That it’s passage into a new phase in life – and one to be celebrated
How to understand when you are in perimenopause
What the symptoms are and what you might experience
How to be with the change so that you have a smoother transition from perimenopause to postmenopause
How your sex life may be affected and what you can do about it
The opportunities for greater fulfillment and satisfaction that the transition offers
Practical tips and actionable practices to help you along the way
The best way to get supported through the change and how to be there for yourself
To continue the conversation join me on Instagram at @andreabalboni_lush
If you’d like to learn more about coaching with Andrea, book in a consultation call to see if we’re a fit.
For more wisdom, insight, tools and practices on pleasure and sexual satisfaction come visit us at lushcoaching.com
Connect with Clarissa:
Clarissa’s Gift: a PDF copy of my new book which going to be released in March to the first 20 people who message her and request one –
Email or DM Clarissa : clarissa@clarissakristjansson.com
Buy her book: The Potent Power of Menopause: A Culturally Diverse Perspective of Feminine Transformation
On sale here in ebook or paperback.
Audiobook will be available from July 2022
Episode 2 with Clarissa Kristjansson
[00:00:00] Andrea: Welcome to the lush love podcast. I'm your host, Andrea, Balboni and as a sex love and relationships, coach, it is my mission to help you experience modern day love that feels a lush in all ways. I'm here today with Clarissa Christiansen, holistic health consultant, mindfulness practitioner. Best-selling author and podcaster. She works with women going through perimenopause to help them find ways to better manage this transition. She's the author of the best seller, the mindful menopause, and host of thriving through menopause the podcast. Welcome Clarissa. It is so lovely to have you here.
[00:00:45] Clarissa: Ah, thank you, Andrea. I am so happy to be here and talking to you.
[00:00:51] Yes. We've had so many great conversations and I'm so pleased that you'll be here speaking with our audience today [00:01:00] and especially around this topic of menopause, because there's so much mystery and myth around it that surrounds it. And let's just say we don't necessarily think of menopause as a phase in life that's super sexy. I'm going to come peri-menopause it's happening. Ooh. Some even might think about it as kind of a libido killer. We associate this phase in life with when our sex drive goes down, we experienced changes in our body that don't facilitate pleasure necessarily. I'm curious as a, you are the expert in this, how much truth is there to this statement?
[00:01:39] Some of that is true, Andrea, because there are real changes, but we're all individual and they're all women who don't get talked about a lot who have a libido, surge at this time of life and for them that isn't always that great because, oh my goodness, what's going on.
[00:01:57] But for a lot of women, you know, we [00:02:00] do end up feeling tired, brain fog, irritable, moody, and we do experience vaginal dryness. As we age, those are real things and they're part of the hormonal changes in our body. So there is truth, but we're all different and we can all approach. In ways that are less of the drama and the disaster.
[00:02:24] Andrea: One of the things I love about the way you work is reframing the story around what menopause is and how we might experience it, because we do hear so many different things and sometimes the opposite's true. We hear absolutely nothing. We have very little, we talk very little about menopause to young girls and young women.
[00:02:46] So I was wondering as you free women, these are, I'm going to just use your words: ' Free women from what people say menopause should be so that they can have a positive, liberating experience.' How do you do this? Exactly.
[00:02:59] Clarissa: First of all, I think is about. Being really mindful about the type of menopause messages you take in. If we only read negative and let's face it, negative headlines sell. So that's why we see a big conversation out in social, but I like for women to start and step back and say, okay, we're not Pollyanna. We have. Rose tinted glasses saying this is going to be wonderful because it can be challenging, but we can meet challenges with a different mindset. And the mindset is, firstly, this isn't forever. And that there is life on the other side. And I think it's really important for women to hear the stories of women like myself, and many of the people who come on my podcast and to remind network who are, you know, in the sixties and the seventies, and they're doing amazing stuff.
[00:03:54] It's like their whole brain is revived and they've got energy and [00:04:00] vitality. So I think that's one side of it. And the other side is to really look at. How you choose to approach it, being well-informed and educated on menopause is really important. If you don't know something, then you're more likely to be afraid of it.
[00:04:18] You're more likely to listen to the negative stories and so information and getting to know your own body. Is incredibly important and cutting yourself some slack, you know, being compassionate when days are tough is good. I might, the third thing I would say is have a community. This is not a journey that any woman should do on their own.
[00:04:43] You need your friends, you need your partner. If you have one, you need to talk and be connected because then you think, well, I'm not the only person. Going through this and I'm not going crazy, which a lot of women think that they are
[00:04:58] Andrea: Absolutely community is key and then accurate information is also super, super key.
[00:05:06] And. I am curious about your story. So what is your story? How did you come to this work? How did you come to become such an expert in this? And it's actually a beautiful phase of, of transition for, for a woman. I'm curious. What's your story?
[00:05:25] Clarissa: My own story was that I came into perimenopause in my mid forties.
[00:05:31] I don't know what it was. I had so much other stuff going on in my life. My mom was dying of dementia. My marriage was going rapidly down the drain. I think his only say, and I didn't pay attention to any of those signals and signs. And at 46, I emigrated to Australia with a seven-year-old and a crazy dog on my own.
[00:05:56] And I was on a treadmill. I was working long hours, [00:06:00] but I wasn't feeling well. And I had had a lot of anxiety. And I've had anxiety. I would say that I was like the anxiety sisters. I was an anxiety sister too, but I was very good at hiding it for those years. I had lots of good routines and tactics, but they fell apart in perimenopause.
[00:06:20] And so for me, having eventually a big panic attack at the office was a turning point. Wow. And I I'd been rebuffed by clinicians. I'd been offered blood pressure medication, and that was about it. I was told I was so fat because I eat chocolate in the checkout queue. I mean, I wasn't huge. I mean, I'd gone out.
[00:06:41] I mean, I'd been very thin as a girl, very, very thin. So obviously to be sort of closer to 67, 68 kilos was a shock for me, but I would hardly describe myself as fat, but that was the extent of, of, of what I was met with. You wait, going back now a good 15 plus years. [00:07:00] People didn't talk about perimenopause.
[00:07:02] What was that word? I'd never heard of it, but eventually I made a decision to do something more. And that's how I became a mindfulness practitioner and I owe so much to Tim Goddard. My teacher there, she was a therapist. She was a mindfulness practitioner and a yoga teacher, and she really helped me to meet myself where I was.
[00:07:24] And that of course helped my anxiety. I started to sleep better and then I trained to become a mindfulness practitioner initially was working with women. Who struggling with stress, with anxiety, with sleeplessness, with chronic pain. And they were all what age? 45 to 55. And they were all being rebuffed by their clinicians.
[00:07:48] They were all feeling very alone. And then the sort of conversation about menopause and perimenopause was starting to emerge. And I thought, oh, this is me. And this is that. [00:08:00] And that's how this journey began to actually qualify and understand better about what perimenopause and menopause. And how we can really help or the women, you know, holistically and making sure that they are empowered and how they can seek help from their practitioners properly from healthcare professionals.
[00:08:22] And that really began a journey of learning for me, learning from. Formal training and learning from my podcast, guests and the women that I meet. And I think you amass that knowledge and continue to grow because it's changing. You know, what, what me as a sort of Layton boomer has experienced is different from today's gen X and gen Y.
[00:08:44] And now coming into the top of these millennials that are really beginning to come into perimenopause and we go to see them change the narrative again.
[00:08:54] Andrea: Yeah. I'm curious, as you were telling your story, which is an incredible [00:09:00] journey. Wow. What courage to make such a huge life change at a point in your life?
[00:09:05] When many of us think, okay. Yeah. Life will just be this way for a long time. You've made that change. It's incredible. How were you able to pick apart or discern between what might've been anxiety related to massive change in your life and massive challenge. And let's say symptoms of. Perimenopause and and that, and not phase of life, where are you able to, and are you able to, and can women do this?
[00:09:37] Because what I understand is every woman experiences perimenopause very differently. So what it looks like for one woman, it may look very different for another. And so how can we know what's actually just life that's given you. So much stress that we have anxiety, we have sleeplessness and what is actually part of the change in our bodies and our [00:10:00] hearts and our minds that we go through in this, in this stage of life.
[00:10:04] Clarissa: I think that's a very good question, Andrea. And I think it's a case by case individual. Experience. I think sometimes it's very hard to unpick. But sometimes it can just really hit women and then they know it's, it, it is hormonal. If you have, like, I have had a history of anxiety, then I think you just feel that dial up.
[00:10:26] It's a different level of. Your, your strategies don't work, even if you're under great stress. And even if you have good stress management strategies, you can still be impacted. I think it's like having, you know, PMs on steroids at times, you know, and, and we all know that we, women can have what are called anovulatory periods, which is when they have a period and we don't release a fertile egg that can be fertilized.
[00:10:52] And then we get a massive issue with our progesterone and we feel really edgy that's what it starts to feel like the whole time we're [00:11:00] moody and edgy and we're anxious and it is different, but you're right. Lots of factors play into that. Should I say? And it is hard to unpick sometimes for women, one from the other, but even.
[00:11:13] You notice that as you go through this time of life, you tend to find the anxiety and the irritability can often die down because once your progesterone is it kind of its new level in life you may not be experiencing the same levels of anxiety.
[00:11:29] Andrea: So that's, that's shifting as you meet perimenopause in the phase of your life with awareness, with understanding. And then my curiosity now is around how, how, what, what the tools are that you use to help women transition once. They come into recognition that this is what is happening then how, what tools do you offer?
[00:11:56] Clarissa: Yeah, I think that one of the key things I [00:12:00] start with women is to track, to begin to build an awareness, because once that is decided, there are lots of tools about mindfulness and stuff later down the line.
[00:12:09] But if you don't even know yourself, how can you know what's happening? So one of my big tools is to get women onto a tracker and to make sure you're tracking your period. You're tracking your symptoms and you look at the triggers and there are plenty of apps now out there that I might recommend to people to use and say, and that's up to where you live in the world and which one you like, but there are a number of good trackers.
[00:12:34] That's the first thing, because you can't even begin to change anything. If you don't know what's happening. And then looking at those triggers, you can say, actually, here are some things that I can change. Usually that the lifestyle in, remember we can change lifestyle and there are often lifestyle triggers that can make a lot.
[00:12:53] So the way we look at, I like women to look at that diet. We look at [00:13:00] movement and exercise. We'll look at stress management tools and techniques to really move women to having better routines, but our habits and more supportive ways of living. Those are my first, always my first tools there, because we'd be amazed at if we drop.
[00:13:20] If we cut back on alcohol, if we were to eat a plant-based diet that would create in its own, right? A lot of support getting us to move movement helps us sleep. Exercise helps our sleep and it helps on mood and it helps our memories, which is pretty good when we're brain foggy and then really managing stress and mindfulness tools in all their forms can come in there.
[00:13:48] It depends on the individual, what they like. I mean, not everybody likes to sit and meditate, so it might be breathing exercises. It might be going for a walk, mindful, [00:14:00] journaling, coloring, whatever appeals to that person, but creating some space in that life where you can just dial it down a notch and be present.
[00:14:09] And I think those are the, what I call having those rock rock habits. But then I think there are a lot of tools we also can do around self-compassion. And I love, love the work of Kristin Neff and Christopher Goma, two wonderful people in the, in the field of mindful self-compassion practicing many of their techniques.
[00:14:32] I draw much from the mindful self-compassion work books there for my clients, so that we actually. Dial down our inner critic because that's our biggest negative thing. All right. And criticism. And we're kind to ourselves during this time. It's amazing how much compassion practices, health paths. And then I would say.
[00:14:57] You know, you've got your life throated. You're starting to be [00:15:00] kind to yourself. Then I work with, well, who am I becoming? Because that for me is very important to say to ourselves, right? This is a, as you rightly said, Andrea, huge time of change on every level. Who am I becoming? What do I want from. For myself, for my relationships, maybe for how I show up in the world, what is my new purpose in life?
[00:15:29] And I think working with women to help them shape that through coaching based tools really takes them to a space where they can begin to define the next phase, the second spring, even though that can take time to evolve, we're actually on track to embracing the post-menopausal years
[00:15:49] Andrea: so really acknowledging when life transitions happen and in our society and culture in our day and age, we've lost a lot of ceremony or ritual [00:16:00] around shifts and for women, especially in. I say beautiful transitions because they are beautiful. There's a lot of challenge and shifts that feel quite difficult at times.
[00:16:14] And then there are so many gifts that come along as well. So I think about when we first have our periods, when we first start to bleed and then when with pregnancy and children feels like another. Life transition. Should you have chosen to have kids? And then this is another kind of, really kind of a mark marker in the, in the lives of.
[00:16:38] And for each of those life transitions, at least in the society and culture that I grew up in, it wasn't really marked with much ceremony or welcoming. There wasn't much wisdom passed down from those who had gone before me. There's so much shame in, in my experience with, [00:17:00] especially with menstruating for the first time bleeding for the first time.
[00:17:05] This transition feels similar to me and that there's very, there's a gap there. It feels like such a massive gap between kind of where life going along. And then all of a sudden there's a change coming and then you're in it without much. Again, ritual or welcoming or talking about or preparation for what it means, what it means to who you're becoming, what it means, what the change means, what we make it mean, what society and culture in how society and culture relate to it.
[00:17:36] Because how we're seen after we bleed, how we're seen, when we have children, how we're seen in perceived in this phase of life, there is a relationship with how we see ourselves. communities and culture, how communities see us. So I love what you've shared about being in community, where this is happening, because it's affecting us individually as much as there is a community aspect and element to [00:18:00] it.
[00:18:00] And because we have so little support in community and the bigger kind of way that we live, it feels so nourishing and supportive to have that sense of community. And what I'm loving about what you just shared. How can we be with becoming a new it does feel like a springtime again, right? How can we be with becoming a new version of ourselves?
[00:18:26] It's kind of like a mix of excitement of the unknown of what we're becoming the potentiality there. And I think with menopause, especially, it's not viewed in that way of what potential growth or what potential beautiful experiences might I have. What's the potential there for expanding out into something exciting.
[00:18:47] Fun and sexy. We'll bring it back to sex and sexuality because I would love for you to speak more to that. So my curiosity is, as you're working with women to define for themselves what this new phase of [00:19:00] life is, how do how do you contextualize it, or maybe this is something you do in collaboration with your client with, with.
[00:19:09] Not just the greater kind of society and culture and halibut you received, but also with their personal story and their personal journey crafting that the potentiality of that feels like such a beautiful opportunity that perhaps is one of the most powerful ways of having this shift into a new.
[00:19:29] Into a new phase of life feel really empowering and good as opposed to different experience. Yeah. So I'm just wondering another question is that, that
[00:19:39] Clarissa: no, but I understand, I understand. I mean, I think it's really important for women to mark. The end of menstruation. And I think too often we let that day go and say, oh yeah, that's kind of happened.
[00:19:53] But when we're more conscious of our own bodies and our, and what's happening with them, and you do say, gosh, it is 12 months since I [00:20:00] had my last period. Now I am. Menopause in menopause and post-menopause, I think to celebrate that is really important. How you celebrate it, you may be only able to celebrate it on your own, but I think when you are part of a community, then I think many of you can come together and have.
[00:20:19] A celebration full that time and to own it that time, I'm also doing more and more writing around conscious aging, where I'd been working with women to write more about, I remember, and you can actually then put down your story and the memories that have marked this time. Up to this point, and then you can write, I am a new can write.
[00:20:43] I am becoming what you know, and allow yourself the freedom to write that freely or as a poem or something you really are there. Beginning to put concretely into, into words. [00:21:00] What this is is, is that people write wonderful things like I'm becoming invisible, but I can eat, choose to eat all the free freebie snacks that are laid out.
[00:21:09] And no one notices me doing that and things like people do, you know, write funny things as well, and they can. Gracefully and disgracefully, you know, and they wear bright clothes because they want to, and that sort of thing. So I think there is that, and I definitely think that a lot of women should we evaluate how they want to show up physically in the world.
[00:21:29] Maybe you do want to clear out your wardrobe and say, I'm done with the corporate boring. I'm going to wear bright colors. I'm going to cut my hair short I'm you know, and I, I interviewed on the. For an upcoming episode, somebody who is a stylist for women in later in life and how much we can revolutionize a wardrobe.
[00:21:49] So those things help us to mark a transition and step into a new role where I think in many ways, Deep down, we care a little bit less about what [00:22:00] people think about us, and that's a real brain change that, that those caring Nurtury kind of hormones, it doesn't mean will become, you know, the B word, but we actually start to put ourselves first.
[00:22:12] And I, and I think encouraging that thought processes, what does. Points of marking. It become an important part of transitioning into the new you that you're going to be for maybe 30 plus years, you know, not going to be it for five years, but for a lot longer than you've been in perimenopause.
[00:22:31] Andrea: Absolutely. Yeah. And let's do a little bit of a laser focus on one area of. Seeing ourselves differently in this new phase of life that would be encompassing, maybe dating or new relationships because many women will experience. Perhaps they're, they've, they're single at this age or phase in life, whether that's they're still single and happen for a long time or they're newly [00:23:00] single So I'm kind of curious about dating at this phase and then also perhaps.
[00:23:08] Even more curious about what happens with the redefinition of our sexual selves.
[00:23:13] Clarissa: Yeah, I think both personally, I'm the women I work with. I would say this is a time where the rules that you may have lived by no longer apply. Because when, when we are younger, there is more of an emphasis that you, you go into relationship. You're going to live together. You're maybe going to create a family if that's possible, what you choose.
[00:23:36] And there are certain rules and norms and you're following what everybody else. When we go into this phase of life, you can choose in many, many more ways than you did before, how you want to be. Now for some women, they have a partner. And that is, I think, a lot of redefining of boundaries and rules that women do need to go through at this [00:24:00] time of life.
[00:24:00] And I think often they need the help of a relationship coach like yourself, Andrea, because people are living on parallel lines. And I think a lot of us have lived on those kinds of parallel lines, bringing up children, working men, go through menopause, they have andropause. So they have their own issues that are going on.
[00:24:19] And I think often there needs to be a coming back together. But if we're single, I was saying. And all, we end our relationship and I know many women who end the relationship at 50 in their fifties and say, I'm done with this. Then it's a redefining. If you even want another relationship, I'm when no one tells you, you have to have one for the first stage.
[00:24:42] It's usually good for you to have somebody in your life that you care for and love, but you can decide. Do you want to be married? You don't have to be, you don't even have to live together. You define how you want it to be and negotiate that with the other person. You can also have a [00:25:00] lot of fun dating. I mean, why not enjoy it because there's no pressure.
[00:25:05] So you, you can go out, enjoy big connection, have amazing times. Maybe you just want a friend to go on holiday with, you know, I think that's part of this great freedom around relationships and dating. I'm not saying that it's desperate, easy, and I think a lot of that is because. You know, we have a society where all the women were not quite sure what to do with them, but, you know, I got married at 50, actually.
[00:25:32] It was my third wedding anniversary yesterday. Yes. And what say that we chose to got married for a number of reasons? Also, partly because there were complications with Brexit and things like that, and he decided he didn't want me to have to leave the country, but we didn't feel the pressure to get married.
[00:25:49] We did it because, you know, it was a better thing to do for that reason, but it's a different kind of relationship. You know, we are much closer as friends yet. We're both [00:26:00] able to do our own thing more and we're more outspoken. And it's good. And I have a second family that I love having, but I don't feel the need to have to be the stepmother.
[00:26:11] Everything is just a lot easier as, as we get older. And I think that's the first thing, but I do think you asked about sex and sexuality. We can have great sex. Post-menopause but I think it's again different.
[00:26:27] I got speaking to people like yourself and as you know, Dr. Laura, Beth Bisbee. Yeah. I mean, she's, she she's been on my podcast and I loved her whole take on it. You know, that we don't have to have sex in the way that we maybe had it as we were younger, sensuality becomes a lot more important and sex doesn't have to be penetrative.
[00:26:49] And we can enjoy. Pleasuring ourselves more. And it's actually really important from a physiological perspective because blood flow [00:27:00] to the vagina to the vulva is important because you know what we don't use. You kind of lose as well. So being sexually active is important for our long-term health and wellbeing in, in, in purely physiological.
[00:27:16] Andrea: Amazing. What would you say to a woman who feels a drop in libido? So if she does feel a drop in libido as she's transitioning, what might you say to her? If her desire was to, to add some sparkle back into that part of her life.
[00:27:39] Clarissa: I think the first thing is to really question where the loss of libido is coming from. Is it. Because you're very tired and stressed because none of us feel like we want to have sex when we're exhausted. And I think there's sometimes a mismatch between men and women also that men often want to have sex. At the end of the [00:28:00] day. We're like, leave me alone. I've had a hold at the office and I just don't feel like it. So we need to address whether it's that. All we struggling with with night sweats that are not making us feel almost attractive. We can address that. And then if it's because sex starts to feel painful, then we need some help. I mean, we may need to lubricate more. We may need to go on hormone therapy, total hormone therapy, or we may need to just have localized vaginal hormone.
[00:28:33] Tablets. They're great. I'd say to any woman, just take veggie fam. If you can get it, it's going to be available on or off the shelf in over the counter in lots of countries. It is here in Sweden, but it is something that helps us on a practical level. Work out where it is, and I'm trying to work with your partner.
[00:28:54] If, if it's not talk to them, communication is important. Make [00:29:00] time to have sex or have a sexual intimate moment when you're not tired when you're not in the most dripping sweat and Lube lube lube lube lube. I mean, every sex therapist would tell you that because minor tears. Make a difference that they take longer to heal.
[00:29:19] And if you're having real problems and it's not getting better than that is the time to go also to your healthcare provider, to talk to them about whether you need testosterone, which many clinicians are still a little reluctant to prescribe, but which can make a huge difference. You want to libido is completely not coming back and you're doing everything you can.
[00:29:42] Th that you may need to have some other procedures. Maybe you do have a number of women can have quite severe vaginal atrophy. Then maybe you need to be talking to someone who works in deals with that, because there are procedures that can really support that. So I think, I think it's a case of [00:30:00] who are you are the things you can do yourself, or do you need more medical support in this space?
[00:30:07] Andrea: Yeah, I love that approach of working with your body and, you know, I'm a huge huge fan of self-pleasure and I'm also a huge fan of lube. No matter what age you are, no matter what phase of life you're in. If you are sexually active or exploring that those. So supportive, just a healthy, thriving sexuality, whether you're single or with someone.
[00:30:30] Clarissa: Yeah, definitely. And I think just being able to constantly communicate with your partner is so important at this time. And I think if you do at some stage feel, I need a bit of a break to assimilate all of.
[00:30:45] Then sometimes that's okay. Give yourself the permission to take about a timeout rest at the system, kind of rebalance itself, and then re-ignite to your sexual life in ways that feel right to [00:31:00] you. You know, and I think we have to learn to get over. That we should look a particular way or be a particular way.
[00:31:07] I think there's, we're freeing ourselves from all those constraints that sometimes also are there mentally for us. And I love that you mentioned grief. We are in a process sometimes of grief of losing the young woman and what that younger woman was and becoming something equally as beautiful, but just differently.
[00:31:30] Andrea: The Sage era of our lives, the wisdom holders we become in such a beautiful rich phase of life. It really, really is to really step into that wisdom and know that that's what you are now and not have to worry about all of the other stuff. And we may still worry. That's okay too. We may worry a bit less, which is wonderful.
[00:31:54] But really stepping into the power of the Sage, the power of the wisdom phase of our life and the [00:32:00] gift that that is for ourselves and for those who come before us, that we can pass on that wisdom and share it's a gift as well, a gift and giving and a gift to receive. Yeah, so beautiful. So thank you for that.
[00:32:13] You mentioned writing a menopause plan, which I love. And you also work, we spoke a bit about how you work with women. Perhaps. I wondering if you would love to speak about either the program that you've got thriving through menopause or your ad, or perhaps both the book that you've got coming up, because the more as we spoke to the more knowledge, the more experience.
[00:32:37] That the more stories perhaps even that, that are heard and shared from those who walked before us can be so, so supportive and really make for a positive experience if you'd like to share.
[00:32:51] Clarissa: Well, I mean, it would talk about really that the program of course, is, is called Thriving through menopause and. It's really [00:33:00] what I talked about, you know, that sense of where you are, the thing, the fundamentals that you can change in your life, the mindset, and bringing a mindful approach to this time of life and your purpose.
[00:33:14] But I am very excited about my new book, which is coming out in March. It's a collection of 11. People's stories, including mine. We are aged from early forties to eighties, so we're certainly getting a spot and we're, we're global. And we have one man talking about his experience of supporting his partner through this time of life.
[00:33:37] And I think it's cool. The potent power of menopause, and it is all about really, exactly that. Exactly what we've been talking about throughout this podcast, Andrea. Every single person that has had a challenge or is going through challenges. A couple of the women are, are younger. So they're actually in the middle of their own personal [00:34:00] challenges.
[00:34:00] And then some of us who have come through and they're saying, you know, this is hugely transformative. People have written about starting new businesses, becoming politically active about one woman left a religious order to. Get married and start a whole different life, which is, it is a big thing. It's not a small thing to, to break free from being a numb, believe me, you know, that's a big thing.
[00:34:29] And I think what we see is despite the difficulties that people have and ha, and have had how powerful this transformation has been. How so many of us have stepped in and become stronger wiser leaders in our own way, in, in the world and are speaking out in the world and saying, you know, we don't subscribe to the, the misery only stories and the negativity, but to the power of this time and that [00:35:00] older women are forced in this world and we can change.
[00:35:04] The lives for other women, but we could also, you know, change the politics of this the, our countries by saying, we want more equality. We want to be heard. We want to be taken seriously. And we know you're no longer saying, oh, a man sort of gray and attractive women are older and attractive and not in a stereotypical type of way as well.
[00:35:28] Andrea: I'm sexy sixties. I like it sexy seventies. I like it works through to, oh my goodness. Eighties. Yeah, I could go on and on it's yeah, there's so much opportunity there.
[00:35:43] And I love the fact that there's a man who writes about that in the book coming up. I can't wait to read his story because it really talking about sex. We didn't talk about that so much until now in this podcast, but it is one of the keys to good sex. So if you want to have. Sex talking [00:36:00] about it is absolutely key to that.
[00:36:02] So sharing it can feel so, so vulnerable, and we are not necessarily used to talking so openly about our, our experiences of sex, even with those that we're having it with. Sometimes especially those that we're having it with. And it's so, so healing and brings us that much closer when we can, we can share what's happening and request, ask for.
[00:36:25] And the support that we might need, and if that other person's available for it, wonderful. And if they can meet us only half way, and we know to reach out to community, to friends, to others, to help to help bridge the gap. And so it is repairative, it is. So beautiful too, to be able to express ourselves fully at this phase in life.
[00:36:48] And in whole new ways, I see so many colors. Now we've spoken about so much possibility from wardrobe changes to lifestyle changes to partner changes to [00:37:00] having sex in a different way. There's just so many different ways to, to live this. And In such a beautiful way. So yeah. Thank you so much for sharing so much wisdom, so much insight, so much experience.
[00:37:13] And I feel like it's a gift to have this have had this time with you and I'm sure everyone listening also feels the same for sure. So how can we get more? How can people stay in touch with you? How can they stay connected? How can we.
[00:37:29] Clarissa: Yeah, wonderful. Well, obviously you can connect with me on social I'm there on Instagram and Twitter.
[00:37:37] And on LinkedIn, LinkedIn is obviously myself and Instagram and Twitter. I'm thriving through menopause or some version of that can listen to my podcasts where Andrea has been a fantastic guest as well on an episode that was downloaded hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of times people read.
[00:37:56] Appreciated that so much. And if you want to connect with me, you can also connect with me on my website. That's Clarissa christianson.com. There I am. You can read about my programs. You can send me a message set up a time to talk.
[00:38:15] Andrea: Wonderful. Thank you so much, Clarissa. Hope to see you again soon. Yeah, it was my pleasure.
[00:38:21] Clarissa: I love talking to you. Thank you, Andrea. For this opportunity.