Ep. 7 Pandora Paloma on how to find love and grow a thriving business at the same time

‘It’s taken me years to create the balance that I’ve got now in my life, what will I have to compromise in my life to let love in?’

I get asked this all the time by smart, successful women who have it all in life – but for love.

And so I wanted to get Pandora Paloma in the room, because she, like me, believes in the ‘both and’ when it comes to love and business success.  

Pandora has created a multi six figure business in the matter of a few years…AND she has found love along the way. 

Neither journey has been without its challenges, but when you’re committed to a life of growth and evolution, Pandora proves you can ask for more – and get it. 

In this honest and very real conversation, Pandora shares with us how she’s found love that feels right without having to compromise any part of her to get it. 

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Listen in as we discuss…

- How to navigate growing a thriving business and finding love at the same time. 

- What it took to get there.

- The benefits of having both and – is it really possible to have it all at once? 

- Lessons learned from love lost along the way

- The qualities of a partner able to be with you as you grow and thrive in your business, co-parent your child, and enjoy the togetherness of love.

- How knowing what you want is foundational to making it happen. 

- What to expect from an intimate relationship – what’s too much to ask. And what’s not enough. 

- What it takes to keep love going for the long term. How to make love last.

Show us the love

And if you love the show, please leave us a rating and review on iTunes/Apple Podcasts.

Book in a 30 minute consultation call with Andrea and find love that lasts.

Connect here with Pandora:

Coming up this September

www.pandorapaloma.com/masterminds

Pandora’s world

www.pandorapaloma.com

Connect with Pandora on Insta

https://www.instagram.com/pandorapaloma_

About our guest:

Pandora Paloma is a business coach and works with quantum transformation. She plays in both the realms of energetics and business strategy. Prior to coaching, she worked in communications for some of the biggest brands in the world on their visibility through messaging, marketing and communications. She combines this experience with energetics, mindset and different coaching tools to help women stand out from the crowd and build businesses that feel like home.

Find love with Andrea:  

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Enrollment is open now. 

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Ep. 7 Pandora Paloma on how to find love and grow a thriving business at the same time

[00:00:00] Andrea: Hello, and welcome to lush. Love the podcast. I'm Andrea Balboni sex, love and relationships coach for smart soulful women. Ready to experience real love, healthy, intimate relationships and pleasure and passion that lasts over time. In this podcast, we'll explore the nuance and complexity of intimate relationships so that finding love and keeping it feels more natural, easy, and empower.

Will expand into the mystery of the erotic to experience our potential for pleasure and the power that lies they're in. We'll expand into the mystery of the erotic to experience our potential for pleasure and the power that lies they're in. I invite wisdom holders, thought leaders and teachers and guides of all kinds to share, not only what it means to be nourished by deep, meaningful connection, passion, and.

but how to move through the intensity of intimacy on all levels of our being so that we can truly thrive and love over time. It is my belief that intimate relationships offer us the greatest opportunity to know ourselves one another and the world in whole new ways. And it is through this experience of ourselves.

And one another that we expand into more of who we truly. This podcast is for the multidimensional woman ready for a more full experience of the richness of love, the beauty of connection and the power of pleasure. 

[00:01:36] Andrea: So I am so excited to welcome to the room today at Pandora Paloma, she is my business mentor and also a soul guide to me. And I have watched her followed her and have been guided by her now. For some time and she is an incredible, incredible woman. And I wanted to invite her here to speak to all of you about how she's doing it.

So she has a fantastic business that she's grown pretty quickly. And she also is currently developed. She tells me, and we'll hear more about this in our chat is creating the relationship that she wants at the same time. So she's experiencing phenomenal growth, not just in her career, in her business, but also in love, also in relationship.

And I know for many people that tends to be a give or take or a very, very difficult struggle. So I'm super curious to hear more about how Pandora's doing it, how she's done it and her journey. I'm gonna ask her to tell her, tell you a little bit about herself first and then we'll get into it. So Pandora take it.

[00:02:42] Pandora: Thank you for having me. Yeah. What an intro? 

I am Pandora Paloma. I'm a business coach business. And I suppose quantum transformation in that I play in both realms of energetics and strategy. So prior to coaching, I worked in communications. I worked for some of the biggest brands Selfridges. I worked with Proctor and gamble on various brands. 

I worked with brands like Volkswagen and radar and QVC, like big, big, big brands on ultimately their visibility. So they're messaging their marketing and how they were communicating with the world. And I really love using. Everything I learned within that career in now what I teach and coach with women.

And I've used all of that with energetics and obviously mindset and different coaching tools to help women stand up from the crowd and build businesses that feel like home. And the only other thing that I need to say is I love my job. . And you're great at it. It's so wonderful to be in your space and to learn and, and to grow with you.

[00:03:49] Andrea: It's been amazing. Thank you. So I was wondering for all those women out there who are strong, independent, creative, Kind of nailing it in the world. Really. They're really doing what they wanna do and they love, they have perhaps even many times people tell me my social. Life's great too. Friends are fantastic.

I love my family. It's just this thing of love. I struggle with it. I struggle to find relationship. And to be honest with you, I've created such a beautiful balance in my life. Now I'm afraid that a relationship might interrupt or disrupt my life and not in a good way. It might throw me off balance, throw me off kilter and derail me or detract from my career, from what I've created for myself.

So I know that this has been a journey for you, a continual one. So I was wondering if you could tell me a little bit about how you got to where you're at now, which I understand is in a partnership, a beautiful, beautiful love 

A love partnership that feels really good and quite imbalance with your life.

So I would love to hear a bit about your journey. I will start with one of the biggest decisions that I had to make. In my business for my business was actually ending a relationship that wasn't in alignment with where I knew I was going. And I think that that's important to share because it takes such courage.

[00:05:10] Pandora: I've just done well, I'm in the process of doing a three part podcast series for my own podcast around. What were the things that I shifted and created and how I scaled ultimately at the, not to 5k mark five to K five to 10 K and then six figures to multi six, which is where I'm at now. And that latter part, one of the things was ending a relationship that I knew wasn't supporting me and where I was going.

We, we had grown apart. We were doing, we had different values and I knew that. I had to prioritize where I wanted to go in my business over that relationship. Not because I didn't love him, but it was just so. So obvious to me that that had to happen. And actually it really sort of catapulted my business.

And I was saying to you kind of, since then, I've been a bit on a bit of a journey of kind of really looking at, well, what do I want a relationship to look like? Feel like 

What does a divine partnership look like for me? 

It was interesting that I kind of went from someone who 

Was very much like enjoyed the nine to five 

You know, very sort of structured, I would say, not particularly a visionary to my next relationship.

Someone who was as visionary as me as ambitious as me. And it equally became pretty messy because there was just no room for, you know, both of us in that. In that 

In that, in that space. And then since then, and that was a pretty hard relationship for me, but it taught me a lot about love. And it taught me a lot about, I suppose, myself, because in sort of any relationships that I ended up in post, that I realized that I.

Was the person that she was in that relationship. So, you know, I had people being like, you always work all the time and it was like, oh, okay. I see the lesson here. I, you know 

I think that, so what happened for me quite recently, and really dear relationship was someone that I think needed a lot more for me than I was able to give.

And I was saying to you earlier, you know, I. I just knew. And I had to make that decision again, of like, I know when I'm in balance. I know when I feel aligned, I know what's important to me and I truly believe that I can have it all. And I think where. This is where communication is really key. So I remember at the start of this particular relationship saying, yeah, you know, I, I want someone I can travel with and I want someone I can kind of, you know, do things with, but this particular person worked on the weekends and I worked in the week.

So it became quite. Kind of difficult for us to actually have that time. 

And also I have a daughter, so I co-parent, and it was suddenly like, you know, this person was around on the week and then working on the weekend, I was around on the weekend. It was a bit like, actually this is not, not gonna work.

This is not gonna work, you know, time wise. 

And actually I think that person did need more of me than I was able to give. And at the end of that, I sort of, again, I think every relationship builds on the lessons and I've definitely had, you know, my fair share of. Learnings in relationships, but I knew I was like, okay.

I now feel like I found the balance. I understand what balance is. Cuz I've had someone who's just like me and then someone who's got a lot more time and actually I need someone who's kind of in the middle of those things. And also what's been fascinating, I think for me, and this is just a sort of personal thing to share is that.

I went from dating men to then dating women. And I'm now back dating men again. And a big part of that was actually what I'm looking for because I'm so in my masculine, in my work, I actually really wanna be in my feminine, in my relationship. And it took maybe for me to. Try. the different flavors to be like, ah, I think this is the flavor that I'm looking for.

And so my now partnership with someone who's a little bit older than me. 

They work for someone else, but are looking to kind of build their own thing at some point. So they've got that vision. They've got that ambition 

And they really hold that kind of masculine in the relationship, which means that I can be so in my feminine, once I put the laptop down and.

So far so good. It's really working for me and I've never, ever felt compromised on my, my time, my business, you know, and, and ultimately anything else in my life it's important. And I think for, you know, anyone who is thises, it's like, oh, can I really have it all? Absolutely. But I think that communication has to come first of like, this is who I am, this is what I'm available for.

This is what I'm not, and this is, this is it. This is what I can offer, you know? Amazing. Yeah. Wow. It's been a journey and like, I, like you say it sometimes takes, and I think this is a difficult one, but it does sometimes take a few different relationships to understand where not always, but oftentimes it will take a few different.

Experiences to understand where, what feels right, what feels good 

With where we're we're at. And there's also reality. And the reality is that time is what it is and schedules are what they are. And so it's also finding some, it sounds a little less romantic in a way, and it, maybe it is because it's more logistical, but it also impacts how we live.

So if your schedule or your way of living and working is very different from someone else's then yeah. That you can. an impact. And I think, I think you can. Make it work. So, you know, my partner now lives in London and I live in Kent and we 

Both have daughters. And so it's been interesting to kind of we've, we've slightly shifted it now.

So that from September, our weeks with our children are the same, so that our weeks without our daughters are the same and we can spend more time together. But what's been interesting about this is that, you know, yeah, there are boundaries, but actually it's never been an issue. It's never once been an issue, you know?

And I think that's because there's a certain level of independence on both sides that, and, and, and a, and a certain level of trust, you know, that's just so foundational. So when we're apart, it's like, yeah, I miss you. But I'm also okay. Getting on with my life and my business over here and he's doing the same.

And then we really, you know, make the most of the time that we really do have so. You know, it absolutely can work. It's setting those really, really healthy foundations. Hmm. And that's something that I'm speaking to more and more these days, this dance between I'll call it me and we. So how and how much one person might need and want.

[00:11:54] Andrea: We might be very different from a how another person might really want the we and what you also need for that time alone and on your. and it sounds like in this, in this journey, in this process, that you've found someone where there is a health where you're sort of that space that you're holding together, that you have in that time together is enough for both of you.

It may not be the case if it were someone different and it hasn't been the case for you, if it were someone different who had a different, had a different set of needs or desires for what a relationship might look like. And so there's. In that dance, there's not necessarily a right or a wrong. I feel that every relationship has a different shape and form.

It depends on the two people that come together to create it. And what you've done over time, what you've created 

Is this space for you both to be who not only who you are. And express yourselves in the different spaces that you're in on your own, but when you come together to really be present in that time together and have that and feel really good and solid in it.

[00:12:57] Pandora: Yeah. That's like a beautiful 

For, like you say, like you're acknowledging for right now, this is how it feels, this is how it is it's working and 

[00:13:06] Andrea: You're growing that together. So yeah. There's space to be in. Yeah. Yeah. It's beautiful. It is. And it's, I think it's really easy for us to kind of judge as we move along like, oh, you know, maybe I'm giving too much, or maybe I'm not giving enough instead this, the, the thought process for you or what I'm hearing that the shift that happened for you is that it's not that you weren't able to give more it's that level of giving or being for the other person, just wasn't what they needed and that's it.

[00:13:36] Pandora: And it's. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. It's find some finding someone who has a similar, I suppose, love language, but also, you know, different the same, the same level of needs as you, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Amazing. Yeah, I think, I think that, you know, for me, I, I suppose in the work that I do as well, you know, I need a lot of time alone, as much as I need time with others.

And I'm really clear that sort of one person will not give me everything that I need will not meet all of my needs. And I wonder if that has come with age and, and the work that we did together. Roles reverse where you were sort of coaching me. You know, you really helped me to understand what meeting my own needs looks like.

And that became a really strong foundation for me to be able to then invite someone in, you know, knowing like I meet these needs for me first. And then I get these needs met with this friend and this friend and this friend, and, and then my partner gets to bring this and meet these needs, you know? I say that as someone who's pretty needy relationships, , I've really learned to be like, okay, this person is not gonna save me nor, you know, can be my everything.

So what do I want them to fill me up with? You know, what do I want them to, to, to be my support in? And yeah, it's really beautiful. Hmm. And. To add onto that. There's also certain things that a, that a, an intimate partner can bring an ad to your life. A, a unique dimension that other relationships, whether it's friendships or pets, even, or nature relationship with nature, the world that that can fill you in a certain way.

[00:15:24] Andrea: And then a partner can only really. Take the space, the shape of, of intimacy as well. And so it's also understanding, okay, what can the world give me? What can my friendships and community give me? And then what unique things or what unique, really unique flavors that only someone who's this close. What can they bring and how does that look?

And you've gotten so much clarity on it. and it's a beautiful, again, a beautiful space to dance in because when you can be clear with the other person as well and what it is you want, then they'll also recognize, okay. Yeah, I can do that. I can step up for that. I can be there for that. And that feels exciting to.

and it gives them permission to also ask for what they want and need as well. So I'm not sure if that was your experience in this 

And this coming closer to someone, but 

[00:16:12] Pandora: Yeah, definitely. Definitely. I think I was also just to kind of bring it back in terms of the conversation we were having about, you know, Fearing that they're gonna have to compromise.

I feel like in sort of certain dating experiences prior to this relationship, I wasn't maybe as clear with them on who I am and what my ambitions are and where I, where I desire to go in life. And. You know, I think that comes from confidence and it comes from really continuing to be okay with who I am and what I desire and what my truth is.

Right. But I remember sort of at the beginning, like, you know, he asked me about my business and I was really, really clear on like, these are my goals. Like I'm pretty ambitious and you know, this is it, this is me. I'm not gonna change. And that I think in itself was again, you know, just reinforced that really healthy foundation because just being clear, I'm not, you know, I think sometimes in relationships, people think.

They put on you, what they think you're gonna be or what they want you to be. And actually I felt the clearer that I can be on. Like, this is who I am. You know, it means that I'm not gonna suddenly have that conversation where like, oh, you are doing this or you, you know, suddenly you're doing this. Like I've always been this person.

[00:17:37] Andrea: This is just me, you know? Yeah. Yeah. And you've shown up that way in your, in the space that you've created for, for work for business more and more. So you talk often about how stepping into more and more of who you are and having that be visible and seen. This is something that I'm learning through you.

Yeah. 

In the space that, that you work in has really freed you up to not just expand your business in ways. At a rate that maybe you, we never really know the timeline, right? Sometimes we're happy with it other times. We're not. So I'm not gonna qualify it in that way, but just having understood that the more you showed up in work in career and the business that you're creating as yourself, the more you found people would be drawn to you, who are the right people for you and for, for your, for what you teach.

Yeah, and it sounds like that's quite a parallel with this, with relationship and what's happening there because we'll often talk about authentic dating and showing up authentically and as the real you in intimacy and relationships, and that can feel super scary. At first, if we don't also have some boundaries, an understanding of, okay, I'm stepping towards intimacy, but what actually feels safe to share and what actually doesn't.

And so it's titrating it's it's and you've spoken to this as well in, in the business space. It's almost okay. Yes. We're showing up as our authentic selves. Yes. For showing up as more of ourselves and right now with where I'm at, what's a responsible. 

What's responsible for myself or my nervous system for my being amount to actually show to the world or share with the world.

And so it's this kind of interesting balance and it's very nuanced in this desire to show up as your full self and what actually feels safe and building the capacity to feel safe enough to show up as more and more of yourself. So we're talking about it as if it's kind of like a thing. Yeah. Show up as more of your.

But I'm just acknowledging that it's been a process for certainly, certainly for me and continues to be. And it's 

As you described it, a process and a journey for you as well, so. really just wanting to acknowledge for anyone who's listening. If they're struggling to show up as their most authentic self mm-hmm in whether it's in the space of dating or in their career, in their relationship, that it is because it is nuanced it's responsibility to self and to the world to be able to hold yourself in the amount that you actually 

Can and are ready for 

Showing up as, and also for what the.

Your perception sometimes, and the other person is ready to receive. So nuance. I love nuance. So nuanced and, and such a journey. You know, you are finding more and more and more about who you are and what you stand for and you know, your truth and your expression all the time. If you choose that, right?

[00:20:36] Pandora: Some people are super happy where they're at, you know, but if you are interested in self-discovery self-development, you are continue, continue to find more and more of you. And something I think is really beautiful just to kind of sprinkle onto that is. You know, you are a multidimensional being, you know, and you are continuously growing and evolving.

So there's gonna be new versions of you that you haven't even met yet that, you know, suddenly wanna come out and play. And it's like, oh, so I used to think that, and I used to be that, and now I think this, and I'm now I'm being this and. That's also. Okay. And, and I say that from, from a business perspective, you know, something I see a lot of women struggle with is that sort of showing up online and what should I show and what should I share?

You are a multidimensional being, you cannot possibly show all of you in a 62nd reel or a series of 62nd reels over the course of a year, because you are too unique. Like, do you know what I mean? Like what people see of me behind the scenes is probably really different to what people see of me online.

You're not seeing me in real life. You're not seeing me in a vulnerable state. You're not seeing me when I'm being sexy with my partner. Like you don't need to see that because who I am online is who I am in business. And I can also kind of pick and choose. And I can't possibly share all of me. Right. I think that's something we have to get our heads around.

Like, I love that what I've seen of my partner so far is what I've seen of him. And I'm gonna see so many different sides to him. And as he grows and evolves, there's gonna be more sides of him that even he hasn't shown before. Do you know what I mean? It's, it's really, it's a beautiful journey that we all get to explore.

[00:22:15] Andrea: And I think the more that we're comfortable and that's change as well, isn't it? So it's getting comfortable. It's change I think is also, you know, it's, that's, that's. Certainly I'll speak for myself. Only a lifelong for me. I see it as a lifelong practice is getting comfortable with impermanence and change 

And being open to what might show up.

And seeing and sense checking. Okay. With what's showing up now here with me, with my partner, does that still feel aligned with who I want to become or who I'm becoming and the parts of me that maybe I feel like I've left behind or leaving and shedding, and as he shifts in changes and, and may or may not come along for that ride, is this, are we still in congruence?

Is this still making sense? Does he still wanna come along for the journey and. I would say in that respect, it's a bit of an open ended question because we can't predict how things are going to be. And so it's a gentle hold. Even if your intention is for a long term relationship, potentially for the rest of your life, understanding that, okay, that may or may not happen.

And we never really know that right now it can be in our intention, but we, we, we can't really hold onto it as a, as a factor guarantee because nothing ever. Yeah is forever in the form that it is right now. And I know you've spoken to the people who aren't maybe. Wanting to change or move or develop or expand, or however, whatever words you want to use.

For it as much, they may be in a different space with it. The pace may be slower. However, I feel like we're all on a bit of a change path, whether we like it or not, and yeah, you can stay in the space that you're in, for sure. However, there's, there's always gonna be things, even if they're externalities that'll change and shift.

So, but to come back to the point , which is 

As you mentioned, just seeing. I'm seeing what I'm feeling and, and sensing from you is this openness to discovery of what might show up in the other person that you haven't calculated for or seen, or, or can know, and as well as within yourself and being accepting of, okay, what may show up, maybe something that will, will be triggering or challenging to be with.

Do we have the skills? Do we have the tools? Do we have the awareness to be with that? When it happens? I think that's been one of the most valuable things, certainly, certainly for me and the work that I do and what I share with the people that I work with is equipping them with the skills and tools. And, and that doesn't just mean tactical, practical things though.

It often does. It's also the skills and the tools for self-awareness. Mm. So there's an awareness piece, and then there's actually practical things you can do for communication, for intimacy, for connection for closeness. So it's kind of. Really complete toolbox that 

That you wanna give to someone, or I hope to gift to the people that I work with or share with the people that I work with so that we can be with the change as it happens in the most graceful way that messy change can feel yeah,

[00:25:28] Pandora: 100% agree.

[00:25:31] Andrea: Good. Yay. We're in alignment then on that. So if 

If you were to speak to yourself, maybe two or three relationships back even, or even thinking about the time, cause I feel like there's been such an evolution when we began our work together. You and I, in the space of intimacy and relationships, if you could speak to her, what might you say trust yourself?

[00:26:00] Pandora: Yeah, trust yourself. 

At that particular time I was coming out of, but sort of then ended up back in again, in a relationship that I just knew whilst the love was there was just not good for me. Right. Not, not, there was so much love, but just not good for me. And. , you know, it love can be a funny thing, can't it?

You know? 

But I knew, I knew it wasn't good for me 

In that way. And I, you know, it was hard to trust myself, but behind everything I find certainly in business 

And, and very much in life, you know, building that self trust, like I trust myself to know. If this isn't right, I'll be okay. I trust myself to know.

You know, if I feel like we C can make it work, then I have it within me to do it. You know, I trust myself to make decisions in business. I trust myself to close containers when they don't feel aligned anymore. I trust myself to invest in the coach. You know, it's so much comes down to self trust. And I think that was sort of a really big, you know, big learning for me at that time.

[00:27:21] Andrea: Yeah. And wisdom that you share now so beautifully. So thank you for that. It's one of the biggest pieces I'm taking away for sure, from our time together as 

Yeah. As someone that you're, that you're working with. So thank you for that lessons shared or like their, I think the richness of, of life really.

Just really appreciating that. Yeah. Okay. So if we wanted to, or someone wanted to learn more about you work with you possibly just absorb more of you, then what's the best way that they could do that. So probably finding me on Instagram at Pandora, Paloma underscore 

[00:28:03] Pandora: My website is Pandora, paloma.com.

And from there. You'll be able to find all of the things . If you head to the website, sign up to the newsletter or come and say hi on Instagram, who always love meeting new people, knowing where they're at. Certainly if they're in business 

Yeah. That's where you can find me. Amazing. Thank you so much.

[00:28:26] Andrea: Any last words for anyone out there might be listening

[00:28:32] Pandora: behind. Everything is love. Yeah, behind everything is love. I always feel like there's fear or love and choose love. . Yeah. 

[00:28:45] Andrea: Beautiful. Thank you, Pandora. Thanks for so much for coming. Thank you. Thank you. Bye.

Ep. 6 Better Fitness for Better Sex with Julia Fischer

Julia Fischer is a fitness coach who goes deep. Passionate about feeling powerful – and feminine – as a woman, we talk about how she helps women get stronger so they can live in a body that they love. And experience the pleasure that is there for them as a result. 

In this deeply personal and rich conversation, we explore everything from healing heartbreak and dropping more easily and naturally into greater intimacy and pleasure – and how getting fit and building power supports this journey. 

I love Julia’s ethos and her wisdom and am excited for you to listen.   

Love this episode? Show us how much : Rate and review on iTunes/Apple Podcasts.

Powered by RedCircle

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Listen in as we discuss…

• Recovering from a difficult breakup through movement.

• All the different ways to feel feminine in a male-dominated world.

• Power, receiving and feeling feminine 

• Choosing to let go of control from a place of strength

• Self-knowing and trust through strength building 

• Accessing pleasure easily and effortlessly comes from within you

• Feeling at home in your body and opening up to pleasure

• Self-validation, self-esteem, desire and pleasure

• Talking about sex so that it gets better

• And learn how to get started, protect yourself from self-sabatoge and stay with it

• The importance of weight lifting after 40

Love this episode? Show us how much : Rate and review on iTunes/Apple Podcasts.

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To continue the conversation on social media, join us on Instagram at @andreabalboni_lush 

Book in a 30 minute consultation call with Andrea and find pleasure-filled committed love that lasts.

Connect here with Julia:

Facebook - julia fischer 

Podcast: Not your average fitness podcast

Instagram @juliafischerfit

julia@juliafischer.co.uk

Free gift: ebook : How to get into training

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Ep. 006 : Better Fitness for Better Sex with Julia Fischer

[00:00:00] Andrea: Welcome to the lush love podcast. I'm your host, Andrea Balboni. 

[00:00:04] Andrea: And as a sex loving relationships, coach, it is my mission to help you experience modern day love. That feels lush in all ways. And I am excited to welcome Julia here today. She's a fitness coach specializing in getting women stronger so they can live in a body that they love.

So I am excited to have her here because Julia knows that fitness goes way beyond just what we look like and impacts our day to day life and the way that we feel

about ourselves and how we hold ourselves as well. We will be speaking specifically about intimate relationships. That relationship with ourselves, our bodies, that's the first level of intimacy and then to others. So that we can build a deeper connection with ourselves and a confidence in our bodies, mentally and physically, and Julia shares that it's really important to feel at home in your body to honor your sexuality and to be able to.

Fully and express it. So we're going to dive deep today on how exercise can increase libido, desire, lust, and ultimately pleasure. Welcome, Julia. Thank you for coming. 

[00:01:15] Julia: Thank you so much for having me. What an honor. I I mean, you know, I love you. I love what you do. I love your work. So yeah, it's just pleasure to be here.

Thank you 

[00:01:25] Andrea: So tell us a bit about yourself. I'm really curious about how you how you came into this career as a fitness coach, what led you there and yeah. How did, what's your story? 

[00:01:38] Julia: Yeah. So I'm Julia, I'm a fitness coach and before I was a fitness coach Absolutely did not like exercise.

Funny fact, I like to throw it in there because I think sometimes we look at people in the fitness industry and think we we're born like this where it's no . And so my story is actually quite relatable because the way I got more into fitness was through a very bad breakup where I kind of lost myself and lost, kind of fell out of alignment with myself and my body.

And so. Yeah, through exercise kind of developed that new relationship with myself, with my body, really like starting to feel home again and you know, starting to know my worth again. And then through all that, obviously it then also fell into place with, you know, save love and, and, you know, being really.

Intimate and being okay with intimacy, not just with others cause also with myself. So yeah, that's, that's very, in a nutshell that, you know, through, through bad breakup, which almost broke me to then fully embrace my, my body and, and myself and yeah. Now I'm fortunate enough to help other women do the.

[00:02:55] Andrea: Yeah. It's funny how, when we break or have those ruptures in life we make lemonade outta the lemons. Right? When that happens, doesn't mean it's an easy process necessarily. Always 

[00:03:09] Julia: Absolutely not. 

[00:03:11] Andrea: When we do and come out the other side, then it can look. This, which is which is incredible. So tell me a little bit more, I'm curious about many things, but it sounds like that journey was super, super empowering for you to go through kinda finding yourself again and through the means of exercise and fitness.

So can in coming back into intimate relationship with your body. You mentioned also that many women come to you feeling quite disconnected with your body, but their bodies. So I'm wondering, and I find the same, so I'm and I experience the same myself. So I'm wondering if you can talk a little bit about that coming back to your body, maybe through exercise and then what that did as you were mending your heart and then eventually coming back into the world and dating again.

[00:04:02] Julia: Yeah, I think. You know, especially as women, we always feel like, like we are the giving person, right? So we, we are nurturing others. We are there for others, which is a be beautiful thing. And, and, and I love that. And one of my love language is really, you know, just giving and, and touch and things like that.

So I think because we have this nature, it's, it's easy to forget about ourselves and because we're always giving to others it's and making sure everyone is, is fine. And especially as moms, you know, always making sure that the kids are fine and our husband is fine, or wife, or, you know, have a, you, you are in a relationship with or not with Along the, the line, we just forget ourselves. And I think it's, it can be a very dangerous place to be in. Because if we don't take care of ourselves, that we, we can only so care so much for others. Right. And so for me personally, through that, through the breakup, and I think a lot of people can actually maybe relate is.

Because you give it your all and you try and try and doesn't work out. So of course you start blaming yourself somehow and always think, what could I have done better? And what is it on me that's not good enough. And so for me, that was a really, really big thing that I didn't feel good enough anymore.

Not pretty enough, not sexy enough. I couldn't, you know, provide enough, you know, not just you know, romantically, sexually, things like that. So all these kind of questions. You know, were really, really daunting with me. And yeah. Then one day I woke up, I was like, okay, I need to do something. I, I can't go on like this anymore.

It's just like, really, it literally broke me like to an extent that I was close to actually feeling depressed as well, and couldn't get out of bed anymore. And I was always really active as a child. So I just started with walking again and started dancing again. And it made me feel really, really good.

And just through like, starting to just care for myself a little bit more Of course, like you just said as well, it's not an easy process and it's not a fix. That's like, okay, one week we're gonna be fine. You know, it's like an overnight thing. It's not . But through, through taking these steps and doing things that make me feel good again and almost feel alive again, I was then able to, okay.

Start working on myself and it's still a process I'm still every day now working myself. But that's the beauty of it. Isn't it that we constant work in process and progress. And you know, we reach a new height on a new, new feeling and then it's just always up from there. I just, I, I love it. It's great.

Because you're kind of never done because there's always that okay. What's next but really like, yeah, through. Feeling myself again. I think if you're like in this situation where you feel a bit numb emotionally, mentally to then start moving again, start taking care of yourself. Again, you kind of, this numbness kind of goes and like you start to reconnect with yourself and then you're kind of able to be like, okay, actually, Now, what is the next step?

How can I not find myself again and, you know, go out there again and I don't know, go on a date or feel worthy again. I think that was for me, the, the biggest point was like, okay, how can I feel worthy again? Not for others, but for myself and movement really did help with just reconnecting with. With my body.

[00:07:44] Andrea: So as you know, the work that I do with people does involve the body as well, which is why I was so excited to have this conversation with you too, because moving through things and, and practicing movement in any form really can really connect you again with your body and help also to kind of process through things, move you through things.

And also it's it. Sounds to me, like what you're saying is that you felt quite disempowered when we ask ourselves, what am I doing wrong? Or I'm not enough of this, or I'm not enough of that. It comes from a very, doesn't feel very powerful to, to be in that space at all. Yeah. And so. It sounds like what, what happened was through connecting with your body through movement and working through things, finding your strength again, physically, and then emotionally, and also mentally, that was the effect that it really was a bottom up kind of movement working with your body.

And then that helped maybe process emotion and then feel, feel really good about about things against that you could date again and, and recover and. And come back into that sense of worthiness. So this kind of brings me onto the next question that I wanted to, that I was curious about with you, because you'd mentioned about women coming to you and fearing the feminine or their femininity.

And so I'm wondering what that shows up as how it shows up, how you work with women around that, especially in something like like working out in a gym where it can feel like a very masculine environment or what we tend, we used to think of as a masculine environ has now become much more a space for women as well.

So I'm just curious about that, how it shows up for you and how it show up maybe in your personal life, maybe in your professional life. 

[00:09:30] Julia: Yeah. Definitely a very masculine space and place still. You know I must say it's getting better. Sometimes I walk into the weight room and there are two men and 10 women.

And I love it my favorite days. but sometimes I'm the only woman for, for, for two hours or, you know, things like that. And yeah, so, so it's, it's a very ma masculine energy driven place which nothing wrong with that. But I think it can also very be off putting and I think. In, in a world like today as well, where, where it's, you know, it's almost necessary as a female to somewhat be in your masculine almost all the time through whatever external pressure we maybe put on ourselves as well, or through others or through expectations we have on ourselves to, you know, be a strong, independent woman and always do best and not relying on others and things like that.

And then you should work out, but it's also not really feminine at times because it's sweaty and it's loud and you know, you don't look your best. A different glow. You exactly very, very different glow. But yeah, I think sometimes you can forget what actually feels to be feminine, right. What is femininity? Like, do we even know what that means for us as well? Because I do believe it's something different for everyone. And, you know, you probably know through your work as well.

You know, we all feel feminine in different ways, which is nice, you know, and I think. it's just about kind of figuring out what that means for you. Okay. What, how do I feel feminine? You know, it doesn't mean that you can only feel the best feminine when you wear, you nicest dress, heels and have your hair done.

And like, no, I do feel feminine when I lift weights because I feel very strong and, and empowered. Right. So I think it's just. Finding and, and evaluating. Okay. What does it mean for me? What does it feel like for me? What, what does it look like for me other than what society might define as a female? Right.

Because that's two separate things. I think in my opinion as well but then taking this feeling, especially through exercise, and of course, what I kind of specialize in is like, you know, making weight, lifting accessible to women, it's taking this feeling. You are lifting heavy weights, which is incredible.

You're building strength. Yes. Physically in terms of also muscles and things like that, but also the feeling that you have and develop through reaching certain set points within your fitness journey, and you take them into your everyday life. And all of a sudden you are now you can choose. you can choose to ask for help because you want help.

You don't need help. And I think that's a very, very important thing and empowering thing. And it's sometimes even easier to like, go of that, almost control that, you know, I certainly have always needing to control everything but I can choose to like go of the control. And just let go, because I know I can do it by myself, but I don't have to, and you can pick and choose those moments where you, you know, can, can let go and can accept, help and, you know, whatever that looks like for you, but then also have, you know, moments where in, in the past, you might have not been able to perform by yourself, but now, because.

You work out, you are taking care of yourself, you are able to carry heavy boxes often. It's just right. It's, it's very empowering. And it just gives you that new kind of level of confidence and this new kind of, you know, alignment with your body. And, and through that, you create this kind of almost energy and, and feeling within you that, you know, I am a stuff I am very powerful.

And then take that with you through, you know, Feeling better and then feeling more at home in your body because you are actually appreciating what it can do for you rather than just being, you know, feeling maybe a bit unworthy and, and at times, Hmm. Amazing. 

[00:13:44] Andrea: I love that. yeah. I love that. I remember when I just, cause it's just been a few months now once you're, so I'm over 40 by a good amount.

[00:13:57] Julia: You look amazing.

[00:14:02] Andrea: It's always there that after 40, we need to go lifting weight in the. Yeah, it's really, really healthy. And yet it's not necessarily yet reinforced. I don't think in society and culture, that it's a very, very healthy thing to do and it can really bring us into balance. And so I love your take on it that as you're, as you're lifting weights and becoming more powerful within just physically, but also feeling more empowered because of it, that then it makes receiving easier or asking for help easier.

And as you mentioned at the beginning of our conversation, we're always doing, we're always putting ourselves out there for people many, many times out. Outwards kind of, and the energy's going out that this, what the change or the transformation that happened for you. And that can happen. The potential for women who do step into the space of working out in the gym with weight is that that sense of empowerment can actually allow them to receive, which is a much more yin or feminine kind of way of being in the world.

So if your desire. To be more feminine or to feel more feminine that this is actually an access point that we wouldn't necessarily associate with with being feminine or becoming feminine or stepping into our feminine. So I love how you . I love that journey. It's beautiful. 

[00:15:21] Julia: It is. Yeah. And I think it's a very important one.

And I think, you know, like you said, like, Unfortunately still it is getting a little bit better, but still we are still in this position that when we think of exercise and working out, we think about, okay, I need to lose weight and tone up, which nothing wrong with that and nothing wrong with wanting to look amazing.

But also I think we need to start shifting our motivation almost to, to more, almost more important things, you know, that can, that access can provide for us, which is yes, of course you are going to look great. You already look great, you know but also what other aspects there are of fitness, you know, like you, you, you start to feel strong, so your, your posture is gonna be better.

You are like the way you're carrying yourself is gonna be like more confident, you know the way you feel about your body, the way you feel about maybe, you know, being naked as well, like more acceptance for your body. Not always looking for, oh, I don't like this little thing on my belly or whatever.

Like it's, it's just this whole kind. New feeling you get and you appreciate for your body, but also when you get a bit older and it's even more important with age to do weight training, I try, I try to get my parents to do it as I think it's like a hopeless, hopeless scenario now, but because we age better and healthier when we lift weights and, you know, we need to.

Getting more behind that other reasoning of, okay, I wanna age healthy. I wanna live healthly I wanna grow old and be a grandma and still run after my grandkids, you know, and not be like scared. I'm gonna maybe trip over my feet because I'm not strong enough to do so. So yeah, I think it's very, very important that especially with, you know, age, we, we get more behind the idea of lifting weights.

[00:17:10] Andrea: Mm, definitely. And to come to. Kind of not towards body confidence or feeling better in your body or good in your body, the shape that it is and the shape that it will become and the shape that it's constantly and continually transforming into. Because as we know, the constant on planet earth is changed, everything so it's I still find it challenging at times to be, to be comfortable in change, even though I'm a transformational coach, I'm a change agent. I still, also, like you say, it's a lifelong process. However, what? Yeah, I guess what I was interested in, in, in diving deeper into was as you came and or come into body acceptance, then how does that maybe transform or shift things for you when it came to lust to desire, to love making, to being with someone intimately, does that body confidence also translate into the bedroom?

Let's say sounds like it sounds like an obvious. Kind of equation, but I just wanted to hear your view. 

[00:18:20] Julia: It, it does sound obvious, but I don't think it is obvious. Right? It, it definitely does. So because the. And, and you, again, you, you are the expert here in terms of, you know, sex and relationships. I just know from our experience and working with people, but the more at home you feel in your body and the more acceptance and appreciation you have for your body body, the more. You are able to let go and just let be. And then especially when it comes to like, you know sex and not just with others, but also like, you know, with yourself and, and be intimate, having that intimacy, if you don't feel good in your body. And if you don't feel like, you know, worthy, if you don't feel like able to receive, it's so much harder to. Receive and to open up and, and just let go and let be, because, you know, as you know, we, we, you and I know it's really hard to, to get intimate with someone or yourself. If you don't feel good within your skin and within your body. And if you constantly question every little dimple and every little hair and every little line and everything, you know, that your body has, which is beautiful because, you know, again, like we, like you said, as well, like we were constantly growing and changing and it's amazing.

And, but if, if we are not in a place of accepting and loving and appreciation, then of course it is much, much harder to just be open with someone and be fully. Expressive. Right. So through, you know, having exercise as a tool where you do develop this feeling of, you know, empowerment and confidence and feeling strong and good within yourself, you can then take this and, you know, transfer it into the bedroom or whatever you choose to be.

You know, it's not exclusively there. I love it. but just be really like, Okay, I'm gonna tell you a quick story actually, because I had this I had a moment like that, a few, like a couple of months ago. So when I was lying in the sauna so back home. So I'm from Germany originally and we do a bit like people from north from the north where you have to be naked.

Right. So I was like, very private story, but I'm gonna share it here. I was flying there and just, you know, Being just very relaxed and mindful and, and of course, like you're naked. And I just felt so at home and good in my body by just lying in the sauna, sweating that it was hard to not touch myself which you can't because you're in a public place. right. But then I was thinking to myself, this is really beautiful. If you like, actually you, you reach and get to the point where. You almost can't take your hands off of yourself. Right? And I think it's very important thing as well, because you are always, you know, Always almost crave. Okay. Belonging and touch from someone else and wanting to feel wanted from another person.

And we always look for that validation, but if we are able to reach that point within ourselves, where it's hard for you to keep your hands off yourself, I think that has so much more meaning. And that is so beautiful because you know, You just know everything you need, you have within you. And once you know, you have that, you are able to give it to someone else as well.

Then if, and when you choose to share this with someone right. And share your intimacy. And I don't think I would've gotten there through no. Exercising the way I exercise and just also the, the other work I do on myself as well. 

[00:22:14] Andrea: So I think you just nailed it. The key to confidence in the bedroom.

So confident in the bedroom is a big theme that comes through in the work that I do that women and men both want to feel more confident in the bedroom that they know that they're going in there with a sense of surety. And that just sounds like the way through . 

[00:22:33] Julia: Yeah. 

[00:22:34] Andrea: I love it. Also being able to really let go is so key to, to experiencing pleasure.

It's something I talk about over and over in the work that I do is that ability to be able to really let go. And in order to let go, you need to feel safe in your body. And so what I'm hearing is that you've cultivated a lot of safety by knowing your body really well, trusting in its strength and its power, knowing it and accepting it as it. And yeah, and then really basking in the glory of being this body of embodied, being an embodied human on the planet. And so, yeah, you really wanna touch yourself cause it's right. Why not? 

Pleasure comes in so many forms and one of the most beautiful ways or things about it is that it's always there for us to access.

You don't have to wait for anyone to bring it or give it. It's always there within, and when it arises spontaneously like that, it is when we can. Super super relaxed, feel really, really safe and good in our bodies and come right into pleasure so easily. It's so much more accessible that way. So yes, yes.

[00:23:41] Julia: I love it. yeah, it is very important. I think, you know, because. You, you can be with the love of your life, but still not be, you know, and trust them with everything. But if, you know, if you don't trust yourself and if you don't get to know yourself and your body, you can always only ever be so much there and give and receive so much.

Right. And I think also, unfortunately very much, I hear still, you know, people are still not open enough to, with their partner talk about sex and what they like and the dislike and setting boundaries, but also be a bit more like, you know, experience a bit more like other things. But I think if you're actually in the space of, of knowing yourself and actually also knowing what you like or where your boundaries are, or, you know, things you would like to try then. Is much easier and more to communicate with your partner as well that, you know, okay, these are things I like, or I think like from own experience and also like talking with not just kinds of friends as well, and you probably know best with, with your work. Sometimes we would just get on with that with the partner.

Not enjoying it, but also not saying anything because okay. Whether we don't wanna hurt the other person's feeling, or we don't wanna make them, like they're not, you know, not knowing what they do or whatever might be. But I think it's very, very important that we are confident enough to take the step and not just get over and through with the act because that's not enjoyable for any part.

Right. To actually be able to say, stop, listen. Not like that. maybe try this instead. But I think it's so important because, you know, I, I mean, after a situation where I was just like enduring, I was like, okay, let's get over the quick . But afterwards, absolutely miserable because I didn't enjoy, I was waiting for it to be over. I was in, in, not in the right head space, it was actually getting worse. So I couldn't fully. Let go, I couldn't fully give and receive. And none of that just because I just didn't didn't like it, but I just waited for it to be over because I didn't want to say anything. I think that's just such a almost dangerous place to be in as well. Right. So I think it's very, very important. You get to know yourself and to get to know your body and be able to embrace it fully and not be scared of telling someone. Stop it change it, adjust position, whatever, you know, exactly. 

[00:26:18] Andrea: Yeah. And it's a gift to them as well, because they're not mine. People aren't mind readers. They're not, well, the majority of the population, as far as I know, still isn't doesn't have psychic abilities. So it's, you know, and someone who is there with you does want to give and please you and, and give you what you like and want. So might as well help them get there and just tell them, right. And you can do that in a, really, a really gentle way, a very loving way and a firm way of, of, like you said, mentioning, okay, I like this, I prefer this.

This feels good. That less. So this feels better. Can we have more of this? Yeah. So focusing definitely on what works and just letting the stuff that doesn't go is, is a great and very, very safe way to, to share what you want so that as you enjoy it, the other person feels your energy. They'll feel the pleasure. They'll feel your joy, they'll gain confidence and be able to also be there for you feeling better in themselves as well. It'll. Much better experience for both people. So the greatest gift you can give is feedback. 

[00:27:26] Julia: exactly. Yes, it is because everybody is different, like literally, right. So what the person before me might have liked and worked for, I probably is the worst case scenario for me.

You never, you just never know, but you also don't know until, you know, right. So I think it's, communication's really important, but you can't really communicate also what you don't know about yourself. 

[00:27:48] Andrea: If someone who wants to want to get started, what would be, what would be your suggestion for the first step? 

[00:27:56] Julia: So first of all, I think it's important to get to know like what you actually want. Like what are like, you know, we'd always talk about goals, but what, what are your goals and what are your goals beyond oh, I wanna lose a few kilos again, nothing wrong with that. If you, that is actually what you want, but also.

What would that mean for you? What does it look like for you? How do you wanna feel on a daily basis? Right. Because also a lot of times I do, you know, come to people when they say I'll just lose motivation. I can't get my motivation up. Yeah. Because you don't have actual meaning for the purpose and just wanting to lose weight is great.

But also what will it give you? And are you actually looking to wanting to lose the weight or are you striving for the feeling you think it might get you. So first step is set a goal and then it's really important to find something that, that you enjoy in terms of movement. But also, yes, I'm biased about weight training, but weight training is really the best thing you can do for yourself.

And for your health and for your things like that. So, you know, I like to encourage people to have a mix. Okay. If you like dancing, go dance. If you like. Climb being go on the trampoline whatever you do do that, but do maybe a little bit of weights as well. You don't have to take it to the extreme, right? You are not a body builder.

Cause often we look at, you know, people out there who represent weight training and, and the fitness industry, and they're just professional body. You do not compare with them. I don't even compare with them, so we don't need to go to the extreme, but having a, a plan and progression is really important.

And then just start, I think so often. We just, we just think about something. Oh yeah. It would be nice to, you know, work on something and then it's just never happening. So just start and look, if you're like, okay, I'm gonna start next week, actually start next week. So what that means is. For today, like, for example, if like on a Wednesday morning, you wake up and think, okay, Monday is the day I'm gonna start prepare, take the next few days to actually prepare yourself to not fail.

So do you need to buy new running shows? Do you need to buy new sports for, do you need to, I dunno, you know, do some grocery shopping. Do you need a gym membership? do you need to find a park, like write down what you have to do in order to actually start on Monday? Because then Monday comes. You can actually start and not be like, mm, I dunno what to do. 

Do do everything you can to not self sabotage, like, because then is easier, you know, like if you prepare everything in the evening for the next morning, You, you just, you get out of bed, you take it, it becomes a routine habit. And just go same with exercise. Just, you know, have a thing, what needs to be in place right now to actually start help yourself to succeed.

And that's it like, I think so often. We just wait at until we are perfect. Right. And you don't have you just start somewhere, start with what you have and then you can figure it out from there. 

[00:30:58] Andrea: And if they wanted your guidance, how can people connect with you? How can they how can they work with you if they wanted?

[00:31:04] Julia: Yeah. So the best way is to find own Instagram or Facebook. And then just either reach out to me Yeah, we can, we can talk about it, you know, figure out where you're currently at, how can best support you and then go from there. But yeah, social media is usually the best place to find me, have a little stalk as well.

See if you align with, with the content I put out there, because it's very important that we align as far, but yeah, just send me a message, even just any questions I'm always open and happy to just help. How, how, and when I. 

[00:31:39] Andrea: Okay. I love it. Everyone. Get in touch with Julia. Start the . Oh, I'll see you there. Sweating it out.

Thank you so much for coming today. 

[00:31:51] Julia: My pleasure. Thanks for having me. Okay. Bye bye. 

Ep. 5 Holistic fertility for women 38+ with Inna Duckworth, Naturopath and Medical Herbalist

Fertility is complex. There is a lot to consider if you are in your mid to late 30’s / early 40’s and would like to have kids that share your biology.

The good news is that there are a lot of options to consider to support female fertility, especially if you open up to the wisdom of complementary medicine. 

Naturopath and Medical Herbalist Inna Duckworth talks us through the full range of options available to understand and support your fertility, encompassing truly incredible advances in conventional medicine and then stretches far beyond, taking us back through 5,000 years of Chinese medicine and millennia of observational science. We explore the power of connecting with the healing spirit of plants and to the ancient practice of energetic healing. 

Join us in this exciting and empowering discussion on finding love and creating family a bit later on in life. You’ll leave inspired, as I did.    

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Listen in as we discuss…

• Fertility for women 38+

• How to prepare your body, heart, mind and soul for pregnancy – even if you’re still single or in early stage relationship

• Can you get pregnant if you’re perimenopausal

• The phases of perimenopause and how they relate to fertility

• What you can do to optimize your chances for pregnancy (natural birth + IVF)

• What to consider in a partner when you’re dating in your late 30’s early 40’s and want a family

• Sperm health and male fertility

• The magic of science and the importance of energy work in conception

• What a holistic approach to fertility offers us as multidimensional beings

To continue the conversation on social media, join us on Instagram at @andreabalboni_lush 

Book in a 30 minute consultation call with Andrea and find love that lasts.

Connect here with Inna:

inna.herbalist@gmail.com

Instagram

Free gift:

Visit Inna's site to download her free e-book

20% off an initial consultation with Inna

Mention that you listened to the Lush Love Podcast. The offer is valid till 31/12/22.

Here is a 10% off link for microbiome testing

The discount is applied at checkout.

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Ep. 5 Holistic fertility testing for women 38+ with Inna Duckworth, Naturopath and Medical Herbalist

[00:00:00] Andrea: Welcome to Lush Love, the podcast. I'm your host, Andrea Balboni. And as a sex love and relationships coach, it's my mission to help you experience modern day love. That feels lush in all ways. I'm here today with Inna Duckworth founder of Women's Health Herbalist. She's a Naturopath and Medical Herbalist based in west Sussex and she specializes in natural preconception care to support healthy pregnancy.

[00:00:30] She's a fully qualified medical herbalist holds an MSC in herbal medicine and is a a member of the National Institute of Medical Herbalists in the UK. She makes natural prescriptions. So she, so she prescribes as well as creating bespoke herbal blends. I'm so excited to hear about this and Tintures to support women's bodies as they prepare for conception and also for shifting into perimenopause .

[00:00:58] Thank you so much for joining us today Inna. 

[00:01:02] Inna: And thank you for being invited. It's exciting. I think the topics that you're bringing up about experiencing the joys and pleasures in our body is so important these days. And we have just started opening this kind of subject if you like. Just I have attended a concert by peaches, which is she's celebrating her 20 years anniversary of the, of her album teaches by peaches.

[00:01:27] And she's 55. I was amazed by the honesty and the sincerity and integrity of a person delivering the message about the joys of sexual life and the pleasures and how we have right. For those pleasures. So this kind of sets, sets a theme for this interview because I was just thinking about it, like. How much, how many of us can express themselves that well, you know, and I'm really appreciating that there is a resource like yours and your help to women who wanted to actually acknowledge that they want to do that.

[00:02:05] My journey there is sort of, yes, my primary work at the moment in here in West Sussex is about conception, preconception care for women over 35, 38. And this journey here came through journey through perimenopause. I started working with perimenopause before the hype, before anyone knew what perimenopause was.

[00:02:26] And it was, there was a couple of books written like by some visionaries, like 10, 15 years ago, like the like classical perimenopause, storm, our estrogen storm and people were just dipping into that and thought what's happened was in my practice. I saw women. 38 ish. I'm I'm seeing this number because it's just over 35 because at 35, you don't feel that yet.

[00:02:50] But somehow closer to forties, there is this little shift and they had three symptoms. They had the symptom of bloating. They had symptom of fatigue and insomnia, and I started ticking. What was that? And I found out that this was indeed the beginning of perimenopause. Now menopause is a technical term, which.

[00:03:13] Technically medically is one day in your life because it's a year after your period has stopped and that's your menopause and everything. And after that is post menopause and perimenopause is kind of now being used by various practitioners and by various scholars differently. However uh, it is a period between 10 to 15 years before the period stops and it is divided into roughly three, four kind of subsections, but it's all a little bit like slightly kind of scholarly if you like.

[00:03:47] But what is to understand about that? That it. The changes. What happened to these women? They were slightly scared because I'm 38. It's not menopause, is it? No it isn't. And how do I, so they were like, I've got these changes. I don't know what's happening. I know that these changes are systemic because I experienced these symptoms like day in, day out and on a cyclical basis as well.

[00:04:14] And so, but they were like, is it menopause? Is it, it, I'm just, I'm under 40. And then I was digging into that and I've discovered all this kind of understanding. I've worked out the understanding what it is, and I did some studies and some more training and all of that. So the first phase of perimenopause, which is sort of the most sort of interesting probably for your audience is when the hormones can still be balanced.

[00:04:40] You know, because for me, the shift in perimenopause happens at some point when. Women understand that's it, it is going to menopause. So the is going that my period will stop. So that's a difference. There is a massive, like this roller across to storm of perimenopause when everything's changing and you can balance it. And then there is a point where the period is going, it's coming rarer. And the changes are there. It's, I think it's sort of over 50 ish depends where you are depends on your genomics and on your genetics, genomics, lifestyle, nutrition, and everything.

[00:05:13] So, and then you understand, okay, I need to do something about my estrogen support. So the first phase is roughly called estrogen dominance and that what was missing from understanding because everyone expected that, oh, menopause is my estrogen is going. And I need to support my estrogen with various things like including HRT.

[00:05:34] Now there is a massive understanding that there is a period where the, all the hormones are a little bit up and down. And the key feature for that period is so called anovulatory cycles. So we lose our ovulation. For age stress you name it, pollutions recent pandemics. We just lose our ovulation.

[00:05:56] And when we lose our ovulation, we lose the most kind of the God fairy hormone. The progesterone, which keeps us calm, not everyone because there are some genetics variations where progesterone is kind of making people a little bit more agitated and a little bit like teary. So, but that's everything that's to be found out like individual on individual basis.

[00:06:19] So we are losing this hormone on this progesterone hormone and everyone else just going, havoc, like up and down, and it is important to manage that. Why am I doing this work? Well, when I was meeting this woman, these women, I was thinking. , this was like, they've achieved something in their career, you know, or they've arrived somewhere where they wanted, and this should be like an orgasm of their life.

[00:06:44] You know, the bright time they, they, ah, and it doesn't happen. It just does not happen for many because of this kind of changes. Nobody warned about them. Nobody told about them and it's still manageable. It it's possible to manage that. But the key probably thing is to start with understanding. What is happening.

[00:07:04] Thank you so much for that. That's already so much clarification and really, really helpful in understanding what's happening when it's happening, how it's happening and we'll get even more into it.

[00:07:15] My first question is for women who have achieved a lot in their lives around 35, around 38, even even moving into their forties, they've done loads with their career. Maybe they have a really thriving light social life. They've got a wonderful really rich life in that way, but they haven't yet found the right partner or they haven't found the person who feels right for them to start a family with.

[00:07:41] At what point, if you're beginning to feel like, oh, I'm becoming some of the symptoms that you described, oh, this starting to happen. Does that mean it's off the table for me? I've gotta just look at other things. Look at other options or shift that shift or shift that completely. 

[00:07:57] Yeah. That's a big topic.

[00:07:58] Really big. I think that anyone who is thinking about that. should maybe have a coaching session or just if they're capable to do it by themselves, just to sit down and write down, how do I envisage that?

[00:08:12] What am I ready for? Am I ready to have a, like a child with a, like a donor sperm? Okay. Am I ready to kind of, what am I ready here for? And so I think that this kind of honesty about do I really want to do I really want to commit to that, that this kind of thing I think will like liberate you quite a lot because I met quite quite a few women who are saying. I chose not to have it. Not to have children. Okay. 

[00:08:40] However, if you want to have a child there's two large consideration consideration. Number one, stay as healthy as possible. Okay. If you want to have a child and you don't have a right partner for you now I think the best thing to do is do a proper MOT health mot. Like I would go with my, my combination of work with perimenopause women is a special hormonal desk called Dutch test. And in combination with a special Nutrigenomics test showing where are you? And then I would also do like a, a ovarian reserve test that can be done as a private for your GP. And have you sit down and I understand where you are. Okay. What is your personal situation?

[00:09:22] Health wise. And that will let you inform you, what kind of reserve have you got there? And for example, if you've got some condition behind it it's worth looking into resolving this condition or managing this condition or working to improve this condition. And that's like one kind of story around it.

[00:09:40] The other, the other side of the story is considered freezing eggs. And don't wait with that because the younger you are the healthier eggs you will freeze My opinion that freezing eggs should be approached similarly because you, like, you go for an MOT health MOT, we look at everything where you are.

[00:09:59] We do, if you're considering freezing eggs, I would also do a special test called vaginal Ecologics test. So we do hormonal test. We look at where your hormones are, what's your ovarian reserve. We do the vaginal test and we do a Nutri genomic test. If you have ever done like an engine test for like a really good car, and they test you in the system and they show you all this amazing reports and to show you so the science around health is at that level, you can get a really good insight where you are and how your body might respond to this and that and the other.

[00:10:36] And then based on that, you would take some prenatal supplements for three to six months. And like some other supplements depends where you are, where you need to be. Some herbs maybe depend, like it's very individual. And then at the peak of your health, your harvesting eggs and as many as possible, really, because you might want to have two children for some women.

[00:10:56] This is so liberating to know because with frozen eggs, you can go for IVF later. Of course, like your partner will need to work on this sperm quality as well, and you will still need to kind of do a bit more work on being able to to have a successful implantation and all of that.

[00:11:12] But. That that's really liberating in a sense that you've got, you've kind of have got this chance yet, and you don't have to just like kind of brush with a partner right now. The, the other thing about looking for a partner, I think, again, it's about so much honesty, what kind of partner you need, what kind of partner you want?

[00:11:31] What are the expectations? You believe like half of your life, 40 years at your own pace, there is probably some challenges in finding somebody who will co-join your pace. So maybe having a openness about that and having a co parenting relationships, Where you both chose to have a child, but you don't necessarily live together or you spend weekends together.

[00:11:56] This kind of authenticity of your situation should be like cornerstone, you know, and don't, don't look at other people what they have or don't have, or what, what they do. And they don't do. It's like, it's your life? By 40 women were left with no vision. Some of them followed their mother's fathers, you name it, social expectations. They go to this great career and, and what's next, you know and then somebody never had a chance to really look at what they wanted to do, and this is a time I, I think this, this is a liberating time.

[00:12:30] I met my husband online when I was 33, we met when I was 33. And I tell you that online dating wasn't. Initially, I was very enthusiastic about online dating and then I started like seeing, okay, it's not kind of what I want.

[00:12:46] And like I had 37 encounters, I said 37 visits, like meeting ups, you know, and as time progressed I started using this kind of tool as an exploratory tool. And I would have a chat. I would ask them what, what attracted you? And be honest, I say, look, it doesn't seem like we've got the chemistry, let's have a chat, you know, let's just have an open chat. What attracted you in my profile? I'll tell them what attracted me in their profile.

[00:13:15] And I learned so much and I had such a great laugh through this most of these meetings because it kind of. It gave me so much confidence, you know, about what is, what they liked about me, what they didn't like about me. I invite you to kind of stop stressing about it and kind of start exploring.

[00:13:33] I remember one of my, when I still worked in marketing, one of my super big bosses and she's a like extremely successful woman, woman with a family career and everything, you would look at her like as one of these Ted talk people, you know, like, and I remember one of the conferences, she said, one thing that find your place in the world, find your place.

[00:13:56] And then the world will start kind of, kind of molding around you if you like, because if you are in a right place for yourself, then you will be, you will be, you have a chance to find the right partner. 

[00:14:08] Just like what is the most important thing about your person with you? Okay. When we met with my husband, I tried to change his outfits, like change his wardrobe. He absolutely hated it. And I'm glad I stopped at the first attempt. And over time I've learned to appreciate his 20 year old t-shirts.

[00:14:29] I wouldn't want him to choose dresses for me either. That is example where our expectations and real people are maybe different. And I think the more honest you, what, what exactly you want from this, this situation, this encounter, this relations is the closer you will get to really getting where you want to be now.

[00:14:50] Andrea: Thank you so much for sharing that. I'd loved hearing your story about how you met your husband and all the things that you learned along the way. And it is key that that becomes a playground. That dating becomes a way of getting to know yourself more.

[00:15:06] And if we shift our mindset from, and it's a tough one, because we have a, a really strong desire and some of us have had that strong desire for a long time when it's just not happening, can get really frustrating. Especially after date 250,000, it feels like it can be tough to get back into that space of, okay, this is a place where I get to explore.

[00:15:29] See what I like, see what works for me. See Who works for me in what way? And so staying in that place of play really sounds like it was key for you. Yes. And it's something that I focus on with my clients too, is coming back to themselves. What do they really want? How do they want to live their lives beginning to really embody that and to start to live from that place so that when someone waltz is in, they, they glide right into, into that space that you've created in your life for them.

[00:16:01] But it's a life that you're already living in a way that you love to live it. So that match is easy to understand. A lot of women will say, I'm not sure. I don't know if it's right or not. Right. And it's, well, if you're already living in a way where you as you would. When you had someone, then it's easier to understand, okay.

[00:16:17] Is this feeling like right fit? Or is there actually just not, are we in different, in different spaces? And I also like as well, how you encourage people to think or women to think about the different ways that they could live a relationship, different styles of relating co-parenting in a way that looks different from what society and culture may say you should have or is right.

[00:16:40] So really finding what's right for you, what your desires are and living from there. It's key. So key. So thank you for sharing all of that wisdom. 

[00:16:50] I had I'm gonna cycle all the way back to when you described the testing that you do with women to understand to understand where they sit in relation to how I don't know exactly the, the terms that you'd use, but basically it's okay.

[00:17:07] Is my body still going to be ready to carry life? Am I going to be able to get pregnant? And so what I would love to understand is how is the work that you do with a Dutch test and other and other, ways of working different from say, conventional medicine, the NHS, or going to a medical doctor, where is the difference and why did you choose to work this way rather than that way?

[00:17:33] Inna: I'm not trained as a medical doctor. Okay. I, and at some point I was lamenting that I wasn't, because I thinking God, I should have gone to medical school really. But then I decided then I've understood how the system works and how things work. And I understood that no, I'm in my place where the place is complementary

[00:17:53] so the work that would be done by a medical doctor is different. They will be looking for pathologies and I'm looking for imbalances and imbalances, like a, a light live ahead of a pathology. And also the solutions, many solutions from the Orthodox medicine will be to medicate, to eradicate the disease.

[00:18:19] Okay. We are not operating in the disease sphere. However, if somebody's diagnosed with endometriosis, for example, we'll do all the same tests. We will look into the thyroid health, which is the test from a GP. We will look at the full blood test the mineral status. There are other tests that can be done that way, which is working with a brilliant lab called gen Genova diagnostics. Probably any health professional will be listening to this will recognize it.

[00:18:46] And they have been they have developed a, a test called metabolomics, which is, it's like literally a Porsche. In testing. I mean, I dunno, Porsche PORs, a good car. I dunno, maybe Tesla or something. I'm, I'm comparing to the cars because it's easy to understand that it's a complex mechanism and you need a complex, complex tool to evaluate its health.

[00:19:07] Not, not that I'm mechanize mechanizing, the human body being, no, I I am working with like mind, body and spirit, if you like, and I'm trained that way through my taoist practice. But this, this is something like where it's almost like bordering the miraculous how much information we can get. And again, the key difference is doctors will, will look for pathologists and we will look for imbalances 

[00:19:32] The other difference is that like nutritional imbalances are not wildly re widely recognized by the conventional medicine. Unfortunately. Now, for example, I've just attended a fertility show in London. And some of the IVF clinic and some of the IVF doctors were very understanding of how this will be as a nutritional imbalance will affect the egg health, or will affect the general ability to carry the pregnancy.

[00:20:00] And some, some people are very dismissive, like that's just life, you know, that's, I think that the, probably the beautiful times that people can choose that they can consider this, but they can also consider this massive amount of work at the moment in conception case down around microbiome health.

[00:20:19] Which is to do with actually oral health and health gut health and specific microbiome health. Because for example, oral hygiene, there are it's, there are several strains of bacteria that are found in our oral cavity that are linked with miscarriages, for example, okay. In my work as a conception care, miscarriage is the worst.

[00:20:40] If somebody cannot get pregnant, well, we've done everything. At least you will know that we have done everything you could. For example, I had a patient who said that they had two miscarriage.

[00:20:53] They had a natural birth, they had two miscarriages. And when we discussed what is possible, what, what are the next steps she was saying like, oh, you've just opened the universe to me. I did not know that all these steps are possible to improve my chances to have a healthy baby. 

[00:21:11] And like, I just talking to her, this is first time, literally I understood that this information is not out there. You know, that it's still kind of, sort of circulating in our neuropathic herbals, nutritional kind of functional medicine world. And yes, the microbiome is a huge topic and it's actually relevant for sort of our topic of sex and sex pleasures.

[00:21:32] And if you like because there are a lot of microbiome, like intimate microbiome, there is a lot of exchange between partners. It's not a sexually transmitted disease, please don't get it wrong. It's exchange of microbiome. So it is very important to know what your partner, what you're exchanging, you know, because some of the strains of bacteria, they happen that way, that they're harmless in women.

[00:21:58] But they affect quality of sperm. And that leads to miscarriages. And so stuff like that, it's all kind of these little things that we, we are looking at when we're working in conception care. Mm. 

[00:22:10] Andrea: So nutritional imbalance and micro and the microbiome. Can you just for those of us who aren't schools in science, what is microbiome?

[00:22:21] Inna: Microbiome is the kind of combination of bacteria? Well, actually you would say bacteria and fungi and some viruses that inhabit our body. And actually it used to be that we had a gut microbiome and everyone understood the gut microbiome. And that's why probiotics are sold, like candies and stuff like that.

[00:22:41] And the first thing is, oh, I think I need some probiotics, but this, this microbiome leaves this kind of micro. Colony. If you like the, the, we, we are a symbiotic creature as a human we're a symbiotic creature. We carry about two kg of this other species on mass. And it's about a glass of fungi, 200 grams of fungi, about couple of glasses of viruses.

[00:23:07] And about couple of kg of this bacteria, they live on every mucus membrane in the body. Okay. They live on our lungs, they live on all the oral cavity, nasal cavity, eyes. 

[00:23:21] And the balance of this microbiome is kind of keto health. 

[00:23:25] So for your healthy sexual life, the best thing you can do is check the, your vaginal microbiome. So knowing your what's going on there is so helpful before you even start like.

[00:23:38] For having healthy sex. And for like before you go the partners also for everything pretty much. 

[00:23:44] Andrea: Yeah. Okay, great. Yeah. So you're, so the work that you do is helping people to understand what their microbiome looks like, how it's, how it is. And if there are in a space of preconception or wanting to have a, have a kid, then you help them to balance that.

[00:24:03] Inna: Is that the right? My work is like a holistic conception care. But if you just separate the scientific part of the work will be three parts. One is definitely microbiome work. Second part would be hormonal work, which can be either done partially through your healthcare provider, like the GP or partially Dutch test. And then third part would be Nutri genomics, which is understanding how your genes are.

[00:24:28] It does take time. I really urge women to understand that this work takes time. First, the follicle starts, maturing follicle starts takes three months for a follicle to mature, sort of the, we are born with all the pre follicles we will ever have.

[00:24:46] And they are built when our mother has been in ours. Granny's tummy. Okay. And, but they're just like presales, because it's like an opportunity if you like, and then they start maturing and it takes three months to mature. So the cycle you've got today is something that ha reflects something that happened to you three months ago.

[00:25:07] So sometimes you think, why do I have this heavy cycle now way so painful this time come back three months. And if you were stressed or unwell or something else happened, that's a reflection of it now. So any conception work is this magic number of three. Same for sperm. Sperm are matures for about a hundred days, same sort of window.

[00:25:29] So if something has been kind of identified as an traditional gap and stuff, you need to prebuilt it. So that in three months time, you've got this egg starting mature or sperm starting. And then in three months you start conception. So normally I say, take a break. You are not making a baby in the next couple of months.

[00:25:47] Definitely not because we want to find out what's going on. And then you are not making a baby. You're just having fun because you are building up that eggs and this sperm that should be like healthy and, you know, as healthy as possible to start doing it. So it's like again, this is something coming back to your very first question of somebody's in there, like sort of 40 starting getting to forties, give yourself time.

[00:26:11] Normally I say set out this year for this work. I mean, I don't mean give up your job or don't give up your anything. It's just set it out as a priority. Like we are enjoying ourselves, we're enjoying our life. We're looking out, looking after our health and trying to see where it gets us. There was one thing I wanted to say.

[00:26:33] I've been listening to a very kind of, you know, very inspiring and quite spiritual person. Rebecca Campbell, she does a lot of work in like female spirituality. And she said that sh in the very beginning of her spiritual work, she gave you, she made a commitment. That was her dream, that she would have flowers, fresh flowers every week she would buy fresh flowers.

[00:27:00] And she said that in the very, it's coming back to this year of pleasure, you know, year of pleasure before you have to get to your conception. And she says that she started buying flowers every week. Then she would like, look at them, connect with them, be happy that she did it. That was her little achievement.

[00:27:18] And despite that, she said at that moment it was expensive, but she still did it. And through that, she was getting more creativity, more, whatever it was more flow. And that led to her new kind of development into her books and everything. And I was thinking, that's exactly the ritual. That's your mascot.

[00:27:35] Andrea: Yeah. So it sounds like beautiful connection with what feels like flow, what feels like the feminine

[00:27:43] so if one, one part of the work is science, the other part might be what might that other part be that you work with 

[00:27:49] Inna: well, the other part is I'm trained into a modality that is called plant spirit medicine, which I have explored and kind of renamed in a sense for people to explain what that is.

[00:28:01] It's an ancient taoist framework, which is called five element theory applied through the energies of plants. And I've learned to do this in two ways. One is here at the clinic it's like a healing session, the other one is I'm offering an online, energetic coaching sessions, where we look at the imbalances through this five element prism

[00:28:25] it is one of the maybe oldest recorded forms of medicine, if you like. And I don't want to denigrate anyone else, but it's like 5,000 years old and they have had records of what has been happening and, this taoist work is a mixture of some spiritual mystics, getting some inspirations and also some massive amount of observation as well.

[00:28:50] Five element is a part of a sort of Chinese cosmology where the five elements fix the the space, you know, like you've got the you've got the north, the. South the west and the east. So we fixed this space. However Chinese described it in eight directions.

[00:29:07] We do that as well. We've got Southwest and you know, all that. So eight directions and five elements describes the flow of the energy. And as one of the scholars of this discipline Laurie de chart, she's very beautiful. Laurie de chart has got an audio book there as well.

[00:29:23] She said that this five element describes the whole cycle of carbon life and we are the carbon life. Carbon is the, the kind of backbone of the organic chemistry, if you like.

[00:29:35] And so it describes us like birth growth flowering having a fruit and then decay and death. And there's a lot of uh, poetry behind it. And a lot of It, it is literally the flow, if you like, and how is it relevant? So they've described, they're looking at this framework and everything kind of ties into this framework of five.

[00:29:57] So each season is linked with the prior, like with the prevalent energy and prevalent energy is linked with the, with the prevalent emotion in a person and this emotion all the emotions should be, I balanced if somebody's emotion is out of balance and this is this area of their body and area of their life is being kind of out of balance.

[00:30:18] And it needs to be looked at, for example a lot of women in perimenopause and it's sort of 40 plus 38 40. They all, a lot of women experience liver problems and gallbladder problems and ha and it also manifests in anger. And frustration. And of course, liver is considered and this system considered to be the prime architect and the gallbladder is a primary decision making.

[00:30:44] I'm coming back to the, the, this thing that I was talking about that who's making the decisions. How are you making the decisions about your life?

[00:30:54] Have you good vision for your life? And so many times it's all stumbling on the stones. The other thing would be loneliness. Loneliness is an element of fire. And if your fire is, if you, if you've got this beautiful fire in your heart and you've got no one to share it with, you know, that's it, we are, we are not meant to be lonely.

[00:31:15] We are meant to be part of the community. 

[00:31:18] Andrea: So with a woman who comes into your office, you understand not just the science behind what's happening in her body, but also the spirit. So understanding what's happening, how she's feeling about her life, how she's feeling about where she's at, how she's feeling about having a child and working with that as well.

[00:31:36] So coaching her through to, I would guess to smooth out the areas that were smoothing out through the lens of the five 

[00:31:43] Inna: I've learned over the years and my, my major qualification I've received in 2017. And over this time I've learned to meet people where they are. Some people like this spiritual side of work, it can be done in two forms.

[00:31:59] One is a coaching and one is a healing session. I can, I cannot combine the practical medical work with healing session. That will be two separate sessions. And so is coaching probably co part of coaching we discussed, like, for example when you fertility, client said, she wrote to me in the morning that, oh, you know what, the, the homework that she had was to consider she's craving sweets.

[00:32:22] Okay. And I said, okay, I want you to really look into the moments when you crave sweets. I want you to kind of write down, okay. I'm craving sweets. I feel that way about it. So, because I don't want to say, just cut out. Sugar cut out the sweets. I want her to understand, to connect with her cravings before we start saying, okay.

[00:32:43] So, because I, I want, and this is part of coaching and this, this is where the, the kind of mentally, like we've got the process that we are mentally aware of, but we've also got sort of unconscious processes. 

[00:32:53] So at the moment, this client is at this stage where she's not ready to do the spiritual work. She she's not there yet. She's ready to start understanding. Where her cravings come from and when she's ready, if she wants to we'll do healing session, if she she's not ready, then, I'm leaving it to her. Like, yes, we will be working with we're already work with herbs. She's already changing diet. We're already having some vitamins and looking into that on the other and your, your partner will be tested for his sperm quality because that the male fertility is so overlooked, you know, and like, and also there's also stigma about it, because like, oh, if my, you know, I've got some problems with my sperms and, you know it kind of demasculinises men.

[00:33:39] So in her case, they, they didn't have the partner test ever tested ever. So it's kind of, again, it's humans at everything in the women's court. And uh, it's interesting the dynamics, some younger couples You would have a male partner really open to everything, you know, in some older couples you might have.

[00:33:59] Mm. You know, and it's again, it's it's okay. It, it, it is okay. But so this was like a little pun into that male fertility needs to be checked out as well. But again, coming back to the previous question, it's about starting where you are at you. You shouldn't be uncomfortable in any process with any health practitioner, coach health practitioner, energy work, you lead the narrative.

[00:34:23] You decide what you want to happen to you. You know, like you decide what's happening. You know, you need to know the options. Like we talk about options all the time.

[00:34:34] And with my, with my clients, with my patients, these are your options. You can do this, you can do this, you can do it all at once. You can do it stage in stages when you're ready. And it, it, I think this is super important not to, when I hear things like, oh, mighty people to be on X Y that that's kind of taking this authority away from people.

[00:34:56] Not that they shouldn't and the medical decisions, but you can question medical decisions. You should, you can know what's going on. You can know why they're making this decision. And just, you know, that that's take your power back. That's what I'm talking about here. 

[00:35:13] Andrea: Yeah, there's an imbalance, I think, and we've given so much power away and stopped listening to our bodies and that's led to this disconnection as well.

[00:35:22] Mm-hmm so I love your, your view on that of giving people different options. And then they decide, and of course there is the medical practitioner will have their view based on their experience, their expertise, and then it's your body and what feels absolutely. That's going to support your health. And that's not just empowering, but it supports, it supports health.

[00:35:45] So I had one last question for you, what happens in a healing session 

[00:35:51] Inna: in the healing session healing is it's like The actual work is like combination of energetic acupuncture reiki someone's lying on the couch for about 40 minutes to an hour.

[00:36:01] Depends. And then the basically being like hands on healing with some energies of plants happening. And so yeah, that, that's, that's what it is. And the, the energies of plants I've been working for with, well, I've qualified in this system in 2018, and then I had a year of supervised practice and I met a lot of like made connections with a lot of plants that way.

[00:36:24] And it's very beautiful. I remember this look, it's a very kind of, I remember this story when I spoke to a woman and Like a couple of days before I met this woman, I had a connection with a font energy, and it was all about orgasm. Like all, everything about orgasm, like fiery, fiery energy, like all of this, like joy, sex, joy, sex, like, wow.

[00:36:49] And the way it works, that you get really attuned to the energies, you kind of learn to meditate and you learn to listen and you learn to differentiate with the messages from your own kind of body and from what's happening. And also the training involves a lot of observation. You're looking at the color on their face. You're looking at the smell sound of their voice and the emotional imbalance they represent with.

[00:37:15] So literally you can talk about cinema books you name it horses, but at the same time, you are listening to which emotion is out of balance because it, the emotion manifest in a kind of combination of sound of their voice and the it kind of, so this work is take, takes at least two years to just learn to attune to this so that when a person comes to me, like the first thing I do is I listen to them and it's like, attunement.

[00:37:44] Which element is the, we call it the causative factor, the core element, which is out of balance. And you can think about it like a champagne, you know, like, you know, the wedding and champagne or her chocolate, the fountain where if you heat the right element. So the energy goes everywhere. The energy flows everywhere, and also system recognizes some major blocks in the system, like major operation, major trauma major something happened.

[00:38:11] Then the, the something gets blocked and we can move these blocks of energy through the body and people find it restorative, quite restorative. So with that woman, Somehow when I, I met this plant, I forgot. Well, I had this connection. I made this meditation with a plant.

[00:38:27] I recorded all that. I was so like, I've never experienced so much energy in one plant. And then when I met this moment, a woman for like a diagnostic session, I was looking at her and how is your, how's your sex life? How's your orgasms? And she gingerly kind of said that it's not something that to frequent, like happens frequently to her.

[00:38:50] And suddenly all this kind of energy of this plant was in my head. I forgot about them. I've completely because it's a busy life, you know, I forgot about it. And this is exactly how it works. You know, so I know when I was working with her that how fire was out of balance because all the, all, everything else was pointing out of the fire imbalance.

[00:39:09] And then when I heard this, I knew that the energy of that plant that she needs. So when we were doing the session, that that's the energy that was brought in to the session. That how works. 

[00:39:20] Andrea: Well, thank you so much. Inna you're incredible. So what I've understood is you work with the whole person, hence being a holistic healer. Practitioner really beautiful, beautiful work. So all of the science that is there that we have, that you describe as <laugh> miraculous that we have so much, we can get so much information, but then also the very, very critical for me and key, key understanding and things to work with with someone, our energy, energy.

[00:39:49] Yeah, and what's happening energetically with them and how also they're thinking about things, how their mindset is where they're at in life. And so you're really working with all parts of a, a person with their physical body, with their heart, their emotions, with the energy and with their mind as well.

[00:40:08] And we are multidimensional beings. Yes. And so it makes perfect sense to me that we work in this way. And and yeah, it's powerful. It's powerful. It's beautiful. And I would send anyone to you. who is considering, considering. Wanting to have perhaps a child and getting there with their age, into their late thirties, early forties, when it feels like, okay, what are my options?

[00:40:39] What's actually here for me. And I really want to understand that in a very concrete, in real way and work with everything that's there. So so thank you for that. It's powerful work that you. 

[00:40:50] Inna: Thank you very much for inviting me. If they, if somebody wanted, there is a perimenopause work, a ebook on my website.

[00:40:57] And I said that there will be 20% discount on initial consultation with me, anyone who says I came from this podcast. So that, you know, just to kind of thank you for inviting me here. 

[00:41:08] Andrea: Thank you. Thank you so much. So is the best way for people to get in touch through your website or? Yes. 

[00:41:14] Inna: You can find me on my website Inna Duckworth, or you can find me on Instagram. 

[00:41:17] Andrea: Amazing. Okay. And everything will be in the show notes as well. Yeah. So definitely connect with Inna generous gifts and the generosity that she came here with. And yeah. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom. It's been wonderful.

Ep. 4 How to find love after 40 with Katie Phillips

Dating is different after 40. Whether you’ve been in love before or not (or are not sure), you’ve likely seen and experienced enough to know what you don’t want. And as you get clear on what it is you do want in a relationship, you may be left with the question on how to get it.

Dating has changed. Relationship styles have evolved. And I ponder all of this with Katie Phillips, as she asks the women she works with – who do you need to be in order to have the love you want in your life. And from here the journey deep into you begins. 

Powered by RedCircle

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Listen in as we discuss

• Dating after 40 / dating in mid-life

• Preparing for a next level relationship

• Who do you need to become in order to be able to hold a healthy, long-term relationship

• Deep healing, transformational work and tapping into my spiritual self

• The first step in getting the relationship that you want

• How a powerful coach can help you find love and keep it

• The joy of getting to know yourself and the magnetic power of self-love

• Where all the men out there are ‘doing the work’ are

• And how to find them

• The surprising challenge of meeting Mr. Right

To continue the conversation on social media, join us on Instagram at @andreabalboni_lush 

Book in a 30 minute consultation call with Andrea

For more wisdom, insight, tools and practices on pleasure and sexual satisfaction come visit me at lushcoaching.com

Connect with Katie here

FREE SUPPORT ‘MEET YOUR SOUL MATE EXPERIENCE’ 

FREE 5 day challenge reveals how entrepreneurial single women can boost self confidence, self trust and self worth TO ATTRACT YOUR SOUL MATE by taking you on an empowering inner journey.

https://katiephillips661.lpages.co/meet-your-soul-mate-ab/ 

EMPOWERED DATING MASTERCLASS 

In this free Masterclass Katie will share 5 game changing teachings that can kick-start an inner journey which will make you a magnet for soul mate love.

Katie believes it’s imperative to your dating success to consciously and intentionally prepare yourself for the relationship you desire. As an energetic being, your work is to become the vibrational match to the person you are calling in and this is initially a journey home to yourself. 

https://theschoolofself.love/empowered-dating-masterclass 

And if you love the show, please leave us a rating and review on iTunes/Apple Podcasts. 

Thank you!

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Ep 4 - How to find love after 40 with Katie Philips

Katie Philips

[00:00:00] Andrea: Welcome to the Lush Love podcast. I'm your host, Andrea Balboni as a sex love and relationships coach. It is my mission to help you experience modern day love. That feels lush in all ways. I'm here today with Katie Phillips, coach presenter, speaker, author, celebrant, empower of women and founder of the school of self-love welcome, Katie.

[00:00:30] Katie: Hey, darlin. So good to be here. Thank you for having me 

[00:00:33] So good to have you. Excited for you to share some of what you're doing in the world with empowering women and especially in the realm of love, helping women who are in midlife, particularly to really embrace this time of their life as an opportunity for them to find love maybe for the first time, maybe for a second or third time.

[00:00:59] Andrea: And so what I would love for you to share just a bit about how you're doing that, because I know. that there are many women who are maybe experiencing some challenge in the area of dating and relationships and feel like, especially when they're in midlife, they don't maybe know where to start or what to do. So as an expert in this in this space, I would love to hear a bit about your work and what you've been learning along the way, and then teaching to. 

[00:01:30] Katie: Thank you so much. It does make me giggle when you say as an expert, because, you know, we teach what we need to learn. Right. And it's still amazing to me that I helping women to call in their soulmate and, and then the work is really preparing them to be ready for that next level relationship. It's, you know, it's about helping them to become the woman that can have the kinds of relationship she desires, but we all want to have this amazing relationship. We want to have a healthy, empowered relationship, but who do we need to become in order to be able to hold. A relationship like that and receive a relationship like that and you know, relationships for as long as I can remember have been a really huge pain point for me a huge dysfunction in my life. And yeah, the fact that I've moved through all that over the years and. The deep healing and transformational work that I've done tapped into my spiritual self and, and, and my spiritual growth, all of this work that has led me into finally having a healthy relationship, which I genuinely hands-on heart. Never thought it was possible for me. I genuinely thought that is for others and not me and not least when I hit 40 and then 41 and then 42, and my son is getting older. Cause a single parent for eight years. I was like, what's obviously absolutely not meant for me. And so I still do pinch myself and it's very exciting too.

[00:03:17] To be able to do the work I do and genuinely help women the way I do as evidence. That's. Gosh, it sounds so cheesy. And so many coaches say, if I can do it, so can you. But legitimately if I can do it. So can you and I really, really deeply relate to my clients, particularly my midlife clients, because it's a very different game dating in mid-life too. And meeting people as to when you're in your twenties and thirties, it's just, it's a whole new ball game, right. So, yeah, I am quite amazed that I'm, I'm doing this now. And. And just to say as well. So I've been a master transformational coach for around 12 years now and I was helping and I found it the school of self-love.

[00:04:11] And so in the early days of my coaching business, I was helping women who. Had this sense, they didn't know and love themselves. And to some people that might sound really weird because some people innately have that relationship with themselves, but my clients don't. And that was me, that I am my own client, essentially from, you know, 10, 15, 20 years ago. And I was doing that work beautifully. And through that work, I was helping women to call in their soulmates. And I would find that women would come to me with a specific. Desire to call and love. And I would actually have to have the conversation with them that went well. I have helped other women with this and I, I can help you, but you need to know this is still a real pain point for me.

[00:04:56] And it was actually quite professionally embarrassing to be doing the work I was doing to actually have done as, as much healing and growth as I'd done at that point. And to still feel the pain of being single, you know? So it was, it's pretty wonderful to, to have not completed my journey. I'm absolutely still learning how and, and my new journey is how the hell do you have an empowered relationship? And I am having an empowered relationship because of the preparation work I did in order to call it a man like James. And so it is a super healthy, beautiful relationship. And gosh, am I still the students? And I know I'm going to be until the end of my days, this piece of relating to another human being in a healthy way. And So here I am doing my thing. 

[00:05:50] Andrea: Such exceptional work. And it's so always so beautiful just to be in your presence and experience, experience you. My personal experience of you has always been uplifting and encouraging. And the women that I speak to who I've worked with, you always say in amazing things, they say such good things. So I have no doubt. And I share so much of your journey and my own life. And many, many women that come to me also will have a similar kind of thing, especially with the Hmm, the belief that it can happen for other people, it just isn't maybe meant for me, or I'm just not that kind of person that it will happen to, or maybe it could be possible for me, but I just don't see it cause I've never had it. So how do you help women to move beyond this and to begin to really feel that it is a possibility that it is really very much within this lifetime and even within a relatively short amount of time that they can move into a relationship that feels really.

[00:07:02] Katie: Well, it's, it's a real journey. And I it's, I do tend to bespoke it for the woman because there's no kind of seven step process to calling and love, you know, that's, that's kind of just marketing spiel and every human is different and all of my clients have different life experiences and childhood experiences and relationship experiences. And so we have to work with the individual to some degree. Well to a great degree. And to some degree there's, there's obviously there's kind of basic work that we all need to be doing. And the first step is actually, well, let me just see now, what is the first step? The first step actually is really acknowledging the desire to have a relationship like, to fully acknowledge it and feel that desire because it's so easy, especially with the women I'm walking with. To. Kind of just put the desire on the backburner because the truth is my life is pretty great. Like I've come a long way. I've got some great life experiences. I have a great job. I love my kids or, or I love not having kids, whatever the case may be. I'm pretty financially independence. You know, I, you know, I have a nice life. I have nice friends. I have nice hobbies. It's good. And I'm proud of the life I've been. So, I don't really need a man. And if you've really spent some time speaking with a woman on that subject and you do a little bit of digging, you start to explore. Why, why, what is this about you not really needing a man, and then you start to uncover belief systems like, well, a man will rock the boat. Man will somehow drain my energy. He'll drain my finances. He'll be a negative impact on the fantastic relationship I have with my child or children. He'll take me away from my business, which I love like the what I'm sharing here. This was all mine. I had all of this going on. I was that woman. I really love my life. I was traveling the world. I had a great relationship with my son. Love my business. All good. I wanted to be in a relationship, but I didn't want it to impact what I had. And then, so then the walk first up is to acknowledge well, can you have the desire and the life that you currently have? Can you have the desire and could you alive maybe improve or get better?

[00:09:40] Because you've wanted the desire to be, to love and be loved. Okay. The step one really is this deep acknowledgement of the desire and giving the desire, some breathing space like this, give it, given it some oxygen, allowing it to expand, allowing yourself to feel the feelings around that. Because another reason why women on they don't want to acknowledge this deep desire is it hurts. Like the yearning to love and be loved is, is so real. But there's pain attached to that because they don't have it and maybe they can't live. And then you begin to start exploring more belief systems that maybe they can't have it. Excuse me. And maybe I'm not enough. Maybe there's something fundamentally flawed in me that I don't already have it. And so then the work is exploring with this. I'm not enough peace. And where did that come from? So inevitably with probably 99.9% of my clients, we ended up doing some form of inner child work, but we really go back and explore. Where, where did what happened in your life where you made it mean that there's something about you? That's not there. And not meant to have what you desire and not meant to feel good. So it's, it's sort of deep transformational healing work that we're doing, and there's multiple other steps there on I could, you know, I could go on and on, but that's kind of, those are the sort of, that's kind of the first step into helping a woman move into a space of being available to receive love.

[00:11:26] Andrea: For some women just that can sound quite intimidating. So from your perspective, as coach watching a woman move through those first few. Pretty deep it's deep work and it's beautiful work. If someone is feeling a bit hesitant about starting and moving into the space, what do you see happen or what experience is a woman actually having as she moves through these first couple of steps?

[00:12:00] Katie: Well for sure, all of my clients would say they're terrified to begin with and. Equally though they're intelligence, intuitive, connected women at heart, and there's something inside them that just knows that the fear of going there, there's this feeling of, oh my goodness. This feels like an insurmountable mountain. To climb to be able to get to the other side they'll they know that while it looks scary and feels scary, it is the only way for them to create the life that they desire and to feel the way they want to feel. They, they just know they have to go there. They know they have to look at it. They know the importance of being supported through that and that they can't do it on their own. 'cause, I just, there's a degree to which with this transformation of work you have to do on your life. I mean, like I, as the coach, I can't do the work for them. But I can guide them and I can hold them safe and I can witness them through it so that it's less scary. And yeah, my clients, they have this mix of terror and excitement. It's the, oh, if I don't go there, my life's never going to progress. I'm never going to have the kind of relationship I want to have, but looking at it, looking at what's blocking me. Well, goodness, what does that mean? We'll have to change. In my life and change is scary for all of us, but then it's the excitement and the tapping into possibility that has them move forward. Anyway, it's, it's deeply courageous work and you know, that's why the, my first book I wrote called the self love affair, a woman's guide to a daring and mighty life. It's this P this daring and mighty piece. It's the it's courageous. It takes such bravery to embark on a body of transformation, a walk. But there's no looking back, you know, and I think for me, because I've done that walk because I continue to do that work I'm in the wa constantly. I'm so committed to, to it. I'm committed to living transformationally because I model that they're not on their own, like I'm doing it alongside them as well. Yeah. Yeah, me too. Yeah, you are. Yes, you are. We have to be right.

[00:14:36] Andrea: We're as much students and in it, and, and with the processes, with the practices, with the sticky stuff and with the joy also of moving through and it is transformational in that way. Is that beautiful? Beautiful. Flowering can happen. So whilst like with the caterpillar into the Chrysalis then becomes the butterfly. There are those moments of shedding skin. There are those moments of kind of discomfort, but then you get to wear a beautiful new wings.

[00:15:09] Katie: Exactly. And I think the role of the coach is to hold the space for that transformation and then celebrate with them. And there's something really powerful. And I know you'll see this with your coaching and your clients being witness. In your transformations, having somebody to really see you and hear you and unconditionally support hold and love you through that is so powerful. And so transformation. I mean, I think it really speeds up transforming. Yeah, it's pretty fantastic work, actually. 

[00:15:45] Andrea: It is. One thing I also wanted to add for this phase of, of stepping into, or deciding to step towards this is, as you've mentioned, there is. Courage that wants to be had for sure, because you don't really know what you're stepping towards. You know, it's a fence that it's big. You have a sense, there'll be changed. You're excited. There's possibility. There's probably some fear. Maybe it's not going to work and all of those things as well. However, what I wanted to share and I'm, I'm gonna guarantee as well that your clients will experience a similar thing. Is that from the very first time that we meet and begin the work. Once we meet, as we begin to move through, they say, Hey, this is kind of fun. 

[00:16:31] Katie: Yes, exactly, exactly. That it is. I mean, what a privilege to get to know you, you know, to get to know yourself. 

[00:16:40] Andrea: Yeah. And it's so much less scary than I thought actually look forward to coming to the sessions. It's like a highlight in my life now. Yeah. And so. That experience of. Knowing yourself, like you just shared getting to know yourself in a whole new way and freeing yourself from the stuff that is holding you back is liberating. It's pleasurable. It's exciting. It's fun. And then to be witnessed and supported. It's a gorgeous, gorgeous gift to, to ourselves because you and I are still in it still get support. And then also to be there and give to two people, moving through women who are so, yeah. So it's kind of like writing women out there on the cost. The most, probably the most difficult staff is that initial step in. And then when you're in, it's the pleasure of the ride. It's the joy of the journey, which will have its challenges as we've spoken to, but then it's always recognizing that it feels a lot better than. The fear feels before you step in, if that makes sense. 

[00:18:00] Katie: Yeah. Completely. And you know what this piece about, gosh, what a privilege to get to know me. It's fun getting to know me. I quite like me, you know, as you're experiencing that joy of. Self-actualization and transformation. What's important to remember for this. I mean, for my clients and for yours, your single clients. So for the single women I'm working with, who are desiring to call in love, it's so important that they have this experience of themselves, this positive experience of themselves as fun experience of themselves, the self loving. Experience of themselves because that's what their partner's going to have of them. That person is going to get starting to realize that, oh, getting to know me is really fun and delicious and interesting. And so that will be his or her experience. The person that you're calling in and, and that's a massive shift in perspective right there for a lot of women because they start out with, well, who would want, who would want me? What's so great about me. And so as you discovered that for yourself, you start to realize, oh yes. Maybe I could be a gift to somebody else as much as I'm a gift to myself. And there's a space. I talked to my husband about this and joke about this because I invested a ton of time and energy and money in my personal growth, preparing for him. I didn't know who he was at the time, but I knew I was preparing for him. And I was a gift to him. I, you know, quite often I remind him of my investment in him, well, in myself for him. And he's, he's so grateful that I bothered to. Do the work I've done to become the woman I was able to become. I mean, I've always, it's always been me, but essentially to shed all the conditioning and programming and limitations of sabotage, I've done that work to be available for him. And he's so grateful for that, you know? 

[00:20:09] Andrea: Yeah. What a man, so many women who are, have been on the path or the journey of self-development for awhile, we'll say, okay. Right. I'm going to do all of this investing in myself. I'm going to do all of this change. I'm going to do all of this heavy lifting and okay. You're telling me it's going to be beautiful, but it's also an investment in time and in money and. Effort. And where are these guys that are doing this work too? Like, are there people out there doing this work too? Or is it going to be all me and now I am a gift to them, but they're not going to get. Where I'm at. They won't have done the work. It's like, how's that squaring? I was wondering if you could speak to that a bit. 

[00:20:53] Katie: Yeah. I mean, I hear that a lot. I'm very excited to know several men doing fantastic transformational work with men. Right. And I'm sure you are connected to men and women doing fantastic transformation of what we've meant. So I think it's important to acknowledge that the belief that the guys, the guy I want guys, aren't doing this work there. Aren't awake, conscious, spiritually evolved men in the world. It's just a belief. It's not true. Just cause you think it doesn't make it true. I think that men are waking up and I think it's really important to actually look for evidence and proof. That there are men out there doing their work and there are men waking up just as we women are waking up. You've got to look for that because we do get what we focus on. And it's very easy to say what you've just said. And I hear it all the time in my clients. I totally get that. And I do think there's a little truth in it that, you know, women are leading the way I'm going. It is the rise of the feminine at the moment. At this point in history, we are leading the way and I, I take heart in the deep knowing that the feminine inspires the masculine and the mat, the empowered masculine we'll move into action. It's it's a given it's how energy works. So there is an uprising of women at the minute. Men are beginning to be inspired and do the work. And as a single woman who desires to be with a conscious, committed, evolving, man, you have to look for that evidence and you have to choose to believe that he is looking for you to you just have to choose. 

[00:22:57] Andrea: And it may not show up in the way that you think it well in the person that's in front of you.

[00:23:03] Katie: Oh my goodness. No, I thought, you know, I was, you know, I expected my guy to be utterly different to the guy that showed up and the one that I made. I thought my guy would, would be working in the transformational space, probably an author of multiple books speaking on stages around the world. Like I thought that was my guy. I mean, what an ego did I have actually, but I just thought that because of what I was doing, well, he probably be sort of doing the same kind of thing. Not at all, not at all, but it doesn't make him. He's doing an incredible, phenomenal work and the world's is in a completely different space. Ironically, he's now doing transformational coach training. So I wouldn't be surprised if one day where we're working together and doing very, very similar work. And I fell in love with his heart. Not the job title tick tick, you know, not the income, not the D you know, the list he's just come at it from a completely different angle in a completely different way. And he has a spiritual wisdom that he doesn't even know he has. I, I can, I have the language around it and I would go to the retreats and do the workshops and read the books. He comes at it very differently. It doesn't mean that went on the same page with most things. It's do you know what I mean? 

[00:24:30] Andrea: So how did you recognize, or how can women begin to, as you say, recognize whether it's the potential or the, or already actualized what is there to look for or what might give you a clue or how might it feel to be in the presence of a guy who is either in the process of waking up already woke, but it looks a bit different than we think it might, or how he shows up. Or maybe it hasn't started yet, but that has immense potential to go there. 

[00:24:59] Katie: I yeah, really, really. It's such a good question. I really hear you on that. It's for me, when it comes to calling in the person that you desire to be with the focus. Like it's great to have the list and I, and a fun little project I do with most of my clients is to create a man menu where we draw up three columns, the first column, and it's non-negotiable must have qualities. And then the second column non-negotiable must not have qualities. And then there's a nice day. List. My nice to have list is at superyacht on a private jet. That's my nice to have list, but it's not an absolute non-negotiable must have, but you know, but we've got to move beyond the list. The list making is fun. It's important to get some clarity on the kind of person that you want. Mostly because most women only really know what they don't know. And I haven't actually dialed into the energy of what they do once. And then there's an ownership piece around like, am I worthy of that kind of man? So th there is a beautiful body of work right there, and we absolutely have to release attachment to these lists, surrender it and make our focus. More so on. How do I desire to feel when I'm with him? That's the key. How do I decide to feel when I'm with him and then not have that feeling, be something in the future that you have to wait to experience when he arrives. The walk is like the fun home home play essentially instead of homework is how can I create that feeling for myself and the here and now, because as I'm feeling that in the here and now I am the vibrational match.

[00:26:54] To him or her right. So the feeling is everything manifestation. It's all about, you know, this, right? Like it's all about the feeling. So we have to focus on creating the feeling now, which is beautiful because then it would decisions every day, a guided by how can I feel good to. And what does feeling good for you mean specifically for me calling and James, I knew I wanted to feel at home. That was the feeling. And what did that really mean? To me? It was, I feel comfortable. I feel safe in my own skin. I can just be me. I feel joyful. I feel secure. I feel content and I feel loved. So how could I create that for myself in the day-to-day? And that became my focus beyond the lists so that when I met James, I felt that, and that wasn't necessarily that comfortable either in the first instance, because I'd never really felt that with a man. So I was trying on something really, really new, you know, that saying that like you'll know when you're. But then when Harry met Sally you'll know, like, you know, about a good melon, do you know that quote? And there is, of course there's an element of that, but it's also important to remember that just because you know it and it's familiar, doesn't make it good for you. I mean, we could go off on a whole other tangent conversation here around conditioning and, and, and so on. But, you know, for me meeting James. Yeah. I felt at home. I knew, I, I felt that it wasn't that comfortable because I I'd never been in a relationship before where I could utterly trust a man that I could totally surrender with a man that I could really fully allow myself to be me with a man. So I knew it's when I met him, but it was goodness me. I mean, It was uncomfortable. It bought stuff up for me. So in meeting him. There was a whole, you invitation to healing and transformation. 

[00:29:19] Andrea: Thank you for sharing that because it's, I think important to recognize that whilst we want someone who feels like home and familiar in some ways that when there is that bit of. Discomfort or dissonance there. It sounds like you recognize that as, okay. Those are growth points for me, perhaps, perhaps there's going to be a challenge that will allow for me to grow into a different space rather than instantly saying, okay. Because it doesn't feel 100% comfortable, then this isn't the right person for me, or there's something. Quite right here. So well done. 

[00:30:02] Katie: Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. It's, it's funny. You do the work to prepare, to call him in or be available to receive him and then you meet him and then the work really begins. But it's so much easier if you've done a lot of prep work before. Oh, for sure. And, and, and the whole point of this prep walk is to move a woman into a place of being more confident and able to speak her truth. And vulnerably share herself and share her feelings and ask for what she wants and, and, you know, to have these conversations that are just mandatory in a healthy relationship, and to get to that place, to be able to share vulnerably with another human being, we have to learn how to do that for ourselves first that's that's the prep.

[00:31:00] Andrea: If people do want to connect more with you and stay in touch and learn from you, then how might they do that? 

[00:31:08] Katie: Well, you could come on over to the website, which is the school of self.love. And you can follow us on Instagram, which is at the school of self dot. We run a five day meets your soulmate experience. It's a free five day challenge. It's online. So you can dial in from anywhere in the world and yeah, come join the I'm. Sure. You'll share the link in the show notes. But that's challenge has been. Oh, my goodness. We've run five at the time of this recording, we've run five and it's blowing me away. The transformation and change women are getting in five days and for free. It's unbelievable. And they're going on to feel confident to date again. They're letting go of. Of past pain, they're allowing themselves to move on from past relationships that haven't been able to sort of say goodbye to. And and they're out there dating and some of them have even called in their soulmate on the back of it. So OMG, after five days, not bad at all. Yeah. Yeah. It's really powerful. Beautiful and a great community. So fun to, for the women to be in community with other women who are feeling the same and wanting the same and just not feeling alone in it, because that's the thing when you're a single, you just, especially in midlife where it does feel like everybody else is married and carrying on with lives. And you're the only one to realize that you're not, and you're surrounded by lots of other, super cool women who want what you want. It's it's, it's a beautiful space. 

[00:32:52] Andrea: Even just that it's so empowering and rich and nourishing and so, so powerful. It's really good stuff. So thank you for the work that you're doing in the world and you thank you too. Yay. I will put all of your info in the show notes, so everyone has it and yeah, I hope to have another chat with you again soon. 

[00:33:18] Katie: Thank you for having me. 

[00:33:19] Andrea: My pleasure. Thank you. Bye.

Ep. 3 Sacred Sex and Healing Trauma with Lyvia Cairo

Sacred sex means different things to different people. In this conversation with Sacred Sex Coach Lyvia Cairo, Lyvia shares what sacred sex means to her, how she first came to practice it, and the joy, peace and freedom it brought to her once she moved through the trauma that was holding her back. 

Lyvia Cairo is a Sex Coach who helps women feel better in their body, pleasure and desires. She specializes in sacred sexuality coupled with trauma healing.

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Listen in as we discuss:

• Sacred sex, what it is, why you’ll care and how to practice it. 

• How to have the sex life that you want, even if it feels impossible. 

• The link between sexuality and spirituality. 

• How childhood trauma (even if it’s not sexual) affects your experience of sex now. 

• Three main things that make sex sacred. 

• Self-love is honoring what you need, saying yes to it. 

• And saying ‘no’ to what you don’t and letting it go.

• What happens to body image when you’re fully in your body and experience orgasmic pleasure through it. 

• Presence is powerful and can shift how we experience our sexuality and pleasure. 

• How to take your first steps towards sacred sex and trauma healing.

Book mentioned: Love, Sex and Awakening by Margot Anand

To continue the conversation on social media, join us on Instagram at @andreabalboni_lush 

Book in a 30 minute consultation call with Andrea

For more wisdom, insight, tools and practices on pleasure and sexual satisfaction come visit us at lushcoaching.com

And if you love the show, please leave us a rating and review on iTunes/Apple Podcasts. Thank you!

Connect with Lyvia here:

Lyviacairo.com

Instagram: @lyviacairo

Email: hello@lyviacairo.com

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Episode 3 with Sacred Sex and Healing Trauma with Lyvia Cairo 

[00:00:00] Andrea: Welcome to Lush love the podcast. I'm your host, Andrea Balboni. And as a sex love and relationships, coach, it is my mission to help you experience modern day love. That feels lush in all way. And I am here today with Lyvia Cairo. She's a fellow sex coach specialist specializing in sacred sexuality, coupled with trauma healing.

She helps women to feel better in their bodies, their pleasure and their desire. So welcome Lyvia. It's great to have you here. I am super curious about what sacred sexuality is for you or what the sacred has to do with sexuality, how it's, how you came to do this work of the sacred and sacred sex, and also combined with trauma. How those different spreads all connect, what it means for you and then the work you do and yeah. Would love to hear more. 

[00:00:55] Lyvia: Yeah, sure. I thank you so much. And we're very happy for being here. So actually like to start with how I came about to do this, because I started with sacred sexuality basically. So I was in a long-term relationship with, and after our breakup, I realized that sexuality was a big anxiety point for me. It was not simple, easy. And in that past relationship, It was hard. I had no desire. I felt ashamed. I felt gas lit. It was, it was heavy. So when I left the relationship, I was like, I never wanna I never want my sexuality to be the same.

I really want something different. And there was a first time, or was it like, okay. I never really paid so much attention to it before, like as a topic of self development, I guess, but I was like, I really don't want this to be the same. So I started I guess, Googling, searching. And at the same time, I was really awakening to my own spirituality. And I started to discover that there was a connect between both, but it wasn't really, really clear. And then I don't know what happened first, but one day I saw a book by Margot Anand who is an amazing tantrika and it was about, it was like love, sex and awakening, I think. And she was sending about how she explored sexuality in a conscious way and so much pleasure in orgasm. And I was reading that I was reading and I was like, I want this. I had no idea how she did it because the book is not really practical. It's more like her experiences. I don't know how she does it.

I don't know. I don't know what's up, but I want this. And then at the same time, I think I found online video for a yoni massage. And I had a lot of shame around masturbation. Like I was feeling, it was always like, it felt dirty. It felt like no man loves you, so you have to masturbate. So I decided to try for a while. Like every week I would do give myself a yoni massage. And I first, it was .Very challenging. It was really hard. I felt so bad in my body, but then I felt joyful and pleasure and it was like, okay, that's something about this. And so those two things were my entry points. And then I became fascinated with sacred sexuality because for me, it's like, It was a way to see sexuality that wasn't only for a quick pleasure to pleasure my partner.

It was so much more than just genitals together. You know, there's the consciousness around the spirituality, the energy, the love as well, you know, self-love, it felt so beautiful. So after that, I just got super curious. I did some research. I did a retreat in Costa Rica that was mixing sexuality and spirituality. That was really. Interesting and intense. And after that, that is, you know, kept going and learning. And then I decided to get massive, massive certification. We did the same one and that's how it went. And in the certification, at some point it asks you to choose a niche. And for me, it was very obvious that I really love working with energy sexual energy, have it move through your body.

You know, so I was really into that. And what happened as well. Was that in my first month of this course or certification, I realized I had the trauma from childhood. It wasn't a sexual trauma. It was like, More like an abandonment type of trauma. And I knew now I had no idea then. And I was like, what the fuck is this? So I was like, what's happening? And it was like week three of the course. And I had flashes and I felt something coming up and I remembered a story from when I was eight. It was really, really intense. And I was like, what is happening? I have no idea about trauma. So then during the course, I get support around this and I realized that it was linked into some issues from childhood. I'm not feeling safe enough, not feeling that my needs were met and et cetera. So then I was like, that's fascinating.

So the whole time I kept working on that trauma. And then after we finished, I decided to do another certification on trauma healing because I felt. So it was so clear to me that it's almost, so maybe that's a bold statement, but it's almost like you couldn't access the degree of sexual freedom without healing, your trauma, that you would always get held back and hitting made sure my as affected all my life, like my sexuality, my relationships partnership, business money, creativity. And so that's why now I really work with the two, so secret sexuality. So that sexuality becomes something that's very personal to you for your own wellbeing, your own pleasure, your own energy and from a healing so that anything that can. You know, prevent you from fully experiencing can be released.

[00:06:49] Andrea: Thank you for sharing it all. It's beautiful. What I wanted to first kind of feel into was when you first read about the experiences Margo Anand. When you first read that what exactly about what she was describing called to you. 

[00:07:02] Lyvia: I would say the joy in what she was sharing. Because some of it was good and some of it was less good in what she was. She, wasn't not, not always all of it. Wasn't like sparkly, but she shares for example, a first experience with first lover. And it's so beautiful. It's the first experience of sacred sexuality. And then after that she explores with other partners and there was so much peace and joy and pleasure in what she was sharing. And it was such a contrast with my experience. It was such it was so peaceful and it was such a joy and such a contrast with how I felt sexuality because there was anxiety. Like I didn't have a lot of desire. It took me a long time to orgasm. And also I had shame because I had many partners before and, you know, there was a bit of a depression.

I had probably something to prove there was so much shadow in my sexuality and in what she was sharing, it was just, I mean, coming from a place that is so clear and anchored in the fact that sexuality is beauty. You know, of course after years and years doing this work it transpires, but I could sense that. It was not the same as my experience. So that's why I was attracted, but I had no idea how she did it. I was like, I don't know what I get, what she's talking about. I don't know how you do that. 

[00:08:38] Andrea: So how do you, how do you do it? How do you guide women? How do you do it yourself? How do you access that? 

[00:08:45] Lyvia: So I had to create my own kind of way. Because there are many different ways. So my, I have a course called in French it's le huit porte, the 8 doors. It's kind of poetic, fairly mysterious. I wanted to turn it that name many times, but my clients like it. So I keep it basically as I was telling, so I had to finish studying my certification. I was doing trauma and I was wondering what was the best angle to teach people secret sexuality, because it's so vast. It's, it's so big and you could just be like, Okay, this is a ritual. This is a practice. This is, you know, it could be like in a very linear way, but I saw it more as an exploration. So my eight doors are basically, each door is about of the female anatomy. First door is your vulva, for example, and for each door, I explain the anatomy .

The history, like for example, how in our society, it is seen when you have a vulva that is drawn, whatever. So I have I go in the history society here. I talk a lot about patriarchy and systems of oppression and the energy of it, because each part has a different energy. And so from there, they have explanations, they have practices, they have meditations, and it's a way to explore the body.

That is a bit more organic. So that's how I do it. And I had the layer of trauma healing as well. So we would have. One would be like loads of practice. And then maybe there's a trauma archetype that we explore. And on top of that, I have coaching. So that's the way I do it, because I felt like it's, it's sort of vast, you know, you couldn't, for example, I, when I did my first retreat, it was like a series of themes and a series of exercises.

It's like, you have to create a path because. Very complex. So, yeah, so that's the way I do it. And most of my clients come to me because either, either they're unsatisfied, like their sex life is not as it desire or they don't have any desire or they feel that if the next path in their spiritual development and they really don't know where to start. But it's a place where you can be very creative, I guess, because there is no one way to teach sacred sexuality. 

[00:11:32] Andrea: And so what makes it see what makes it feel sacred to you? This journey? 

[00:11:38] Lyvia: So that's a very good question. I'm glad you were asking it because I don't know if I've ever answered it before. The sacred for me is linked to the idea that it's okay. Let me think on it. I would say the first thing is that it's protected because of. The reason why I'm so interested in sexuality as well is that there is so much unsafety and violence. And unfortunately, many of my clients have suffered that.

So there is like secret means protected means that is yeah. You protected in the sense that there's no harm done here. So it's not. Just for the pleasure of someone else or just for performance or just because the society tells you that you have to, it is because you want to and your body is your temple.

It's yours, yours to keep yours to share. And that's sacrd to me. So that's the first, I would say definition of it. The other thing is energy. You know, because we work so much with energy, there is a connection to spirit. There is connection with, you know, it could be natural energy. God, if you believe in God, it could be the earth, water, whatever.

We, we work so much with energy. So there is something sacred in it. And there is the fact that. It's less about the techniques and the practices and more about intention, how you go about it your breath, your, you know, your spirit, rather than you're going to do this position and this position and do this and do that.

Way of being about it, I would say. So I would say that's the three things that make it sacred so like connected to spirit and connected to your being 

[00:13:32] Andrea: it's beautiful. I feel, it feels just as you're speaking, it feels that that is. That is what it is. And for everyone it will be, it will be a bit different.

And as you say, it's, it's complex and varied and it can mean different things to different people. However, I love your three, your three qualities. I feel like those really do make anything sacred when we have that, that safety protection. 

[00:13:59] Lyvia: And I would say that it's also very conscious. I would add that to the. Being part that it's not from automatism or autopilot is really from consciousness and you being in your body and feeling what you're feeling, 

[00:14:16] Andrea: presence, 

[00:14:17] Lyvia: Yeah, presence

[00:14:22] Andrea: My next question would be true. Self love and self care you've mentioned it before we connected. I was wondering what that looked like for you, 

[00:14:31] Lyvia: So in my work that looks like honoring your needs and your yes. And your no. Most of the times, like self-love is often being able to say this is what I need and I'm going to do what it takes to get it, or I'm going to ask for it. And my needs are important. My needs are, yeah, come, come first because so much, like, so often we forget our needs to meet the needs of others. So there is the. My opinions are important. My desires are important. I am important.

So that's the first part. And the second part is being able to let in what is good and let go of. What's not good and it's not always easy in sexuality. And even in relationships, like we tend to tolerate a lot. And for me, the more you love yourself, you tolerate basically. Yeah.

There's so much depth to that.

[00:15:41] Andrea: And kind of like a real homecoming, it feels like a real homecoming to you, to yourself, to your inherent sense of worth as well. True. And what about body image?

[00:15:55] Lyvia: Yeah, cause may I have my clients come with that issue or question that it's hard for them to get into their sexuality whether its by themselves though, with a partner because they don't love their body. And it's not always, it's not, as people think it's not like, oh, I don't love my body because it's not pretty, it's more like heavy in their body.

They would feel threatened in them, but in their body they felt like they would take too much space or they shouldn't take too much space. It's more like, it's a very internal, almost thing. It's not really. It's less of the image than the sensation, you know, in the body. So we work a lot with that because sometimes it comes from so early and so young and for many of my clients, they have.

You know what a part of their path is to learn, to take space in their body and to be happy with the body that is here and sexually, it helps with that because with sexuality you learn to. feel into what your body does, what it gives you better than what it looks like. So that's very interesting. And the more you get pleasure in your body, the less you care about it simply because you're like, well, I don't care how you look you really feel good, yeah, that's a part of the work as well, but I've noticed that 

[00:17:27] Andrea: So it's kind of almost like the presence that. Had described, really being present there with, with yourself in a way that's from the inside out again is, has this, this effect on how we are with our bodies and how we see them even because we almost forget

[00:17:49] Lyvia: Yeah, exactly. I think it's like better than looking at your body from outside. You just being in it from the inside. And that makes the whole difference. Cause you. You're just here. You're not out there. Yeah. 

[00:18:06] Andrea: And it makes for a much more embodied well-grounded kind of real experience. Then look, we think about what we see. Yeah. We experience this more pure. It's a more direct experience of us. 

[00:18:21] Lyvia: Yes. Like you, you could see the world in a different kind of way. From that place of feeling good in your body, your, you know, at least filling out your body, bringing you pleasure or peace or whatever emotion from that place.

It's there is something that is easier in terms of how you navigate. I don't know if that makes sense. From that place, you can interact with others in a more peaceful manner. 

[00:18:59] Andrea: And so that calm and peace that you feel within this is where you respond from or how you connect with others. You come from that place of calm and peace and it makes for an easy, easier connection.

[00:19:10] Lyvia: If someone wanted to take the first steps towards sacred sex or, and, or healing trauma, I would say there is so much, but the first step. It depends what the desire is, but if the desire is like connection to your sexuality or your body, I would say either to look at your body from head to toe every day naked, if you can, and just look at.

And learn it and connect with it, be with it. Or you can look at your vulva and like take a pocket mirror, just look at it as well and see what comes up in terms of emotions, sensations feelings. You know, it's not about like having a certain reaction, but not like noticing what's happening in the body when you look at her.

And, and that would be a good start. Yeah, to just look at yourself, seeing yourself in terms of trauma. I would say that a good place to start is to notice when you're triggered. Like, cause it's not, it's sometimes a much deeper work, but not when you're triggered and see what your body needs in that moment.

So because sometimes we can kind of. Speak to ourselves and we're like, no, that's okay, whatever. But if something happens in your relationship, your sexuality, whatever, and if you feel a certain way, you feel triggered or you feel a certain emotion, like ask yourself, what do I need in this moment? What does my body need to do?

Because maybe your body need needs to flee. Maybe you need to express yourself. Maybe you need to curl up in a ball. Like what does my body need? Because every time you. complete the cycle. There's something that heals inside of you as well. So I would say, yeah, listening to your body and I cooperating with it would be a first good step.

[00:21:18] Andrea: There anything else that you would love to share with anyone listening? 

[00:21:21] Lyvia: What I want to share is that there is no. You know what, however you feel in your sexuality relationships. Even if there thing that are difficult right now, there is a way to feel better. It's not, you know, it's not a done deal. It's not who you are. It's not your personality. It's not your identity. It's not set in stone.

You can change. And I wish someone had told me that because before I was like, I am like, And that's it. You know how people like to label yourself like, oh, you don't like sex or, oh, you bet on it or whatever. And actually there is a way to heal. There is a way to find pleasure. There's a way to find desire and to find your center, to find who you truly are in all of this.

And yeah, there is a way, and you will find that. And if you speak French, I'm here. If you're not I'm here too, but most of my clients are French. 

[00:22:23] Andrea: Oh, wonderful. How can people connect with you then? 

[00:22:26] Lyvia: I am on Instagram, that's the best way. And you can read my posts and you can translate them. And I have a blog as well. It's lyviacairo.com so, and I have tons of articles.

So that's, that's good ways. And you can also chat with me in the DMs. You know, if you have any questions you can come and talk, of course. 

[00:22:48] Andrea: Perfect. And everything will be in the show notes, follow ways to connect, so can easily find you. 

And yeah, thank you. I would definitely highly recommend having a chat with Lyvia and checking out her stuff, because you're, you do publish loads and it's so rich, just like this conversation.

So so yeah, absolutely. Have a follow on Insta and then just absorb. So good. 

Thank you so much Andrea

Ep. 2 Thriving Through Menopause with Clarissa Kristjansson

I didn’t know just how much perimenopause was a mind, body, emotion shift for women until speaking with Clarissa. In fact, I didn’t know much about the menopause at all. I’m so glad that I had this conversation with Clarissa as I feel much more ready for this next phase in life – and believe that it will help you too. 

Clarissa Kristjansson is a holistic health consultant, mindfulness practitioner, best-selling author and podcaster. She works with women going through perimenopause to help them find ways to better manage this transition. She's the author of the best seller, The Mindful Menopause, and host of Thriving Through Menopause, the podcast. 

 Listen below, or tune in via: Apple Podcasts or Spotify.

(Full transcript below)

Powered by RedCircle

Listen in as we discuss: 

• The mystery around the Menopause

• How everyone experiences the change differently

• That it’s passage into a new phase in life – and one to be celebrated

• How to understand when you are in perimenopause

• What the symptoms are and what you might experience

• How to be with the change so that you have a smoother transition from perimenopause to postmenopause

• How your sex life may be affected and what you can do about it

• The opportunities for greater fulfillment and satisfaction that the transition offers

• Practical tips and actionable practices to help you along the way

• The best way to get supported through the change and how to be there for yourself 

To continue the conversation join me on Instagram at @andreabalboni_lush 

If you’d like to learn more about coaching with Andrea, book in a consultation call to see if we’re a fit.

For more wisdom, insight, tools and practices on pleasure and sexual satisfaction come visit us at lushcoaching.com

Connect with Clarissa: 

Instagram

Linkedin

Twitter

Clarissa’s Gift: a PDF copy of my new book which going to be released in March to the first 20 people who message her and request one –

Email or DM Clarissa : clarissa@clarissakristjansson.com

Buy her book: The Potent Power of Menopause: A Culturally Diverse Perspective of Feminine Transformation

On sale here in ebook or paperback.

Audiobook will be available from July 2022

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Episode 2 with Clarissa Kristjansson

[00:00:00] Andrea: Welcome to the lush love podcast. I'm your host, Andrea, Balboni and as a sex love and relationships, coach, it is my mission to help you experience modern day love that feels a lush in all ways. I'm here today with Clarissa Christiansen, holistic health consultant, mindfulness practitioner. Best-selling author and podcaster. She works with women going through perimenopause to help them find ways to better manage this transition. She's the author of the best seller, the mindful menopause, and host of thriving through menopause the podcast. Welcome Clarissa. It is so lovely to have you here.

[00:00:45] Clarissa: Ah, thank you, Andrea. I am so happy to be here and talking to you. 

[00:00:51] Yes. We've had so many great conversations and I'm so pleased that you'll be here speaking with our audience today [00:01:00] and especially around this topic of menopause, because there's so much mystery and myth around it that surrounds it. And let's just say we don't necessarily think of menopause as a phase in life that's super sexy. I'm going to come peri-menopause it's happening. Ooh. Some even might think about it as kind of a libido killer. We associate this phase in life with when our sex drive goes down, we experienced changes in our body that don't facilitate pleasure necessarily. I'm curious as a, you are the expert in this, how much truth is there to this statement? 

[00:01:39] Some of that is true, Andrea, because there are real changes, but we're all individual and they're all women who don't get talked about a lot who have a libido, surge at this time of life and for them that isn't always that great because, oh my goodness, what's going on.

[00:01:57] But for a lot of women, you know, we [00:02:00] do end up feeling tired, brain fog, irritable, moody, and we do experience vaginal dryness. As we age, those are real things and they're part of the hormonal changes in our body. So there is truth, but we're all different and we can all approach. In ways that are less of the drama and the disaster.

[00:02:24] Andrea: One of the things I love about the way you work is reframing the story around what menopause is and how we might experience it, because we do hear so many different things and sometimes the opposite's true. We hear absolutely nothing. We have very little, we talk very little about menopause to young girls and young women.

[00:02:46] So I was wondering as you free women, these are, I'm going to just use your words: ' Free women from what people say menopause should be so that they can have a positive, liberating experience.' How do you do this? Exactly.

[00:02:59] Clarissa: First of all, I think is about. Being really mindful about the type of menopause messages you take in. If we only read negative and let's face it, negative headlines sell. So that's why we see a big conversation out in social, but I like for women to start and step back and say, okay, we're not Pollyanna. We have. Rose tinted glasses saying this is going to be wonderful because it can be challenging, but we can meet challenges with a different mindset. And the mindset is, firstly, this isn't forever. And that there is life on the other side. And I think it's really important for women to hear the stories of women like myself, and many of the people who come on my podcast and to remind network who are, you know, in the sixties and the seventies, and they're doing amazing stuff.

[00:03:54] It's like their whole brain is revived and they've got energy and [00:04:00] vitality. So I think that's one side of it. And the other side is to really look at. How you choose to approach it, being well-informed and educated on menopause is really important. If you don't know something, then you're more likely to be afraid of it.

[00:04:18] You're more likely to listen to the negative stories and so information and getting to know your own body. Is incredibly important and cutting yourself some slack, you know, being compassionate when days are tough is good. I might, the third thing I would say is have a community. This is not a journey that any woman should do on their own.

[00:04:43] You need your friends, you need your partner. If you have one, you need to talk and be connected because then you think, well, I'm not the only person. Going through this and I'm not going crazy, which a lot of women think that they are

[00:04:58] Andrea: Absolutely community is key and then accurate information is also super, super key.

[00:05:06] And. I am curious about your story. So what is your story? How did you come to this work? How did you come to become such an expert in this? And it's actually a beautiful phase of, of transition for, for a woman. I'm curious. What's your story? 

[00:05:25] Clarissa: My own story was that I came into perimenopause in my mid forties.

[00:05:31] I don't know what it was. I had so much other stuff going on in my life. My mom was dying of dementia. My marriage was going rapidly down the drain. I think his only say, and I didn't pay attention to any of those signals and signs. And at 46, I emigrated to Australia with a seven-year-old and a crazy dog on my own.

[00:05:56] And I was on a treadmill. I was working long hours, [00:06:00] but I wasn't feeling well. And I had had a lot of anxiety. And I've had anxiety. I would say that I was like the anxiety sisters. I was an anxiety sister too, but I was very good at hiding it for those years. I had lots of good routines and tactics, but they fell apart in perimenopause.

[00:06:20] And so for me, having eventually a big panic attack at the office was a turning point. Wow. And I I'd been rebuffed by clinicians. I'd been offered blood pressure medication, and that was about it. I was told I was so fat because I eat chocolate in the checkout queue. I mean, I wasn't huge. I mean, I'd gone out.

[00:06:41] I mean, I'd been very thin as a girl, very, very thin. So obviously to be sort of closer to 67, 68 kilos was a shock for me, but I would hardly describe myself as fat, but that was the extent of, of, of what I was met with. You wait, going back now a good 15 plus years. [00:07:00] People didn't talk about perimenopause.

[00:07:02] What was that word? I'd never heard of it, but eventually I made a decision to do something more. And that's how I became a mindfulness practitioner and I owe so much to Tim Goddard. My teacher there, she was a therapist. She was a mindfulness practitioner and a yoga teacher, and she really helped me to meet myself where I was.

[00:07:24] And that of course helped my anxiety. I started to sleep better and then I trained to become a mindfulness practitioner initially was working with women. Who struggling with stress, with anxiety, with sleeplessness, with chronic pain. And they were all what age? 45 to 55. And they were all being rebuffed by their clinicians.

[00:07:48] They were all feeling very alone. And then the sort of conversation about menopause and perimenopause was starting to emerge. And I thought, oh, this is me. And this is that. [00:08:00] And that's how this journey began to actually qualify and understand better about what perimenopause and menopause. And how we can really help or the women, you know, holistically and making sure that they are empowered and how they can seek help from their practitioners properly from healthcare professionals.

[00:08:22] And that really began a journey of learning for me, learning from. Formal training and learning from my podcast, guests and the women that I meet. And I think you amass that knowledge and continue to grow because it's changing. You know, what, what me as a sort of Layton boomer has experienced is different from today's gen X and gen Y.

[00:08:44] And now coming into the top of these millennials that are really beginning to come into perimenopause and we go to see them change the narrative again. 

[00:08:54] Andrea: Yeah. I'm curious, as you were telling your story, which is an incredible [00:09:00] journey. Wow. What courage to make such a huge life change at a point in your life?

[00:09:05] When many of us think, okay. Yeah. Life will just be this way for a long time. You've made that change. It's incredible. How were you able to pick apart or discern between what might've been anxiety related to massive change in your life and massive challenge. And let's say symptoms of. Perimenopause and and that, and not phase of life, where are you able to, and are you able to, and can women do this?

[00:09:37] Because what I understand is every woman experiences perimenopause very differently. So what it looks like for one woman, it may look very different for another. And so how can we know what's actually just life that's given you. So much stress that we have anxiety, we have sleeplessness and what is actually part of the change in our bodies and our [00:10:00] hearts and our minds that we go through in this, in this stage of life.

[00:10:04] Clarissa: I think that's a very good question, Andrea. And I think it's a case by case individual. Experience. I think sometimes it's very hard to unpick. But sometimes it can just really hit women and then they know it's, it, it is hormonal. If you have, like, I have had a history of anxiety, then I think you just feel that dial up.

[00:10:26] It's a different level of. Your, your strategies don't work, even if you're under great stress. And even if you have good stress management strategies, you can still be impacted. I think it's like having, you know, PMs on steroids at times, you know, and, and we all know that we, women can have what are called anovulatory periods, which is when they have a period and we don't release a fertile egg that can be fertilized.

[00:10:52] And then we get a massive issue with our progesterone and we feel really edgy that's what it starts to feel like the whole time we're [00:11:00] moody and edgy and we're anxious and it is different, but you're right. Lots of factors play into that. Should I say? And it is hard to unpick sometimes for women, one from the other, but even.

[00:11:13] You notice that as you go through this time of life, you tend to find the anxiety and the irritability can often die down because once your progesterone is it kind of its new level in life you may not be experiencing the same levels of anxiety. 

[00:11:29] Andrea: So that's, that's shifting as you meet perimenopause in the phase of your life with awareness, with understanding. And then my curiosity now is around how, how, what, what the tools are that you use to help women transition once. They come into recognition that this is what is happening then how, what tools do you offer? 

[00:11:56] Clarissa: Yeah, I think that one of the key things I [00:12:00] start with women is to track, to begin to build an awareness, because once that is decided, there are lots of tools about mindfulness and stuff later down the line.

[00:12:09] But if you don't even know yourself, how can you know what's happening? So one of my big tools is to get women onto a tracker and to make sure you're tracking your period. You're tracking your symptoms and you look at the triggers and there are plenty of apps now out there that I might recommend to people to use and say, and that's up to where you live in the world and which one you like, but there are a number of good trackers.

[00:12:34] That's the first thing, because you can't even begin to change anything. If you don't know what's happening. And then looking at those triggers, you can say, actually, here are some things that I can change. Usually that the lifestyle in, remember we can change lifestyle and there are often lifestyle triggers that can make a lot.

[00:12:53] So the way we look at, I like women to look at that diet. We look at [00:13:00] movement and exercise. We'll look at stress management tools and techniques to really move women to having better routines, but our habits and more supportive ways of living. Those are my first, always my first tools there, because we'd be amazed at if we drop.

[00:13:20] If we cut back on alcohol, if we were to eat a plant-based diet that would create in its own, right? A lot of support getting us to move movement helps us sleep. Exercise helps our sleep and it helps on mood and it helps our memories, which is pretty good when we're brain foggy and then really managing stress and mindfulness tools in all their forms can come in there.

[00:13:48] It depends on the individual, what they like. I mean, not everybody likes to sit and meditate, so it might be breathing exercises. It might be going for a walk, mindful, [00:14:00] journaling, coloring, whatever appeals to that person, but creating some space in that life where you can just dial it down a notch and be present.

[00:14:09] And I think those are the, what I call having those rock rock habits. But then I think there are a lot of tools we also can do around self-compassion. And I love, love the work of Kristin Neff and Christopher Goma, two wonderful people in the, in the field of mindful self-compassion practicing many of their techniques.

[00:14:32] I draw much from the mindful self-compassion work books there for my clients, so that we actually. Dial down our inner critic because that's our biggest negative thing. All right. And criticism. And we're kind to ourselves during this time. It's amazing how much compassion practices, health paths. And then I would say.

[00:14:57] You know, you've got your life throated. You're starting to be [00:15:00] kind to yourself. Then I work with, well, who am I becoming? Because that for me is very important to say to ourselves, right? This is a, as you rightly said, Andrea, huge time of change on every level. Who am I becoming? What do I want from. For myself, for my relationships, maybe for how I show up in the world, what is my new purpose in life?

[00:15:29] And I think working with women to help them shape that through coaching based tools really takes them to a space where they can begin to define the next phase, the second spring, even though that can take time to evolve, we're actually on track to embracing the post-menopausal years 

[00:15:49] Andrea: so really acknowledging when life transitions happen and in our society and culture in our day and age, we've lost a lot of ceremony or ritual [00:16:00] around shifts and for women, especially in. I say beautiful transitions because they are beautiful. There's a lot of challenge and shifts that feel quite difficult at times.

[00:16:14] And then there are so many gifts that come along as well. So I think about when we first have our periods, when we first start to bleed and then when with pregnancy and children feels like another. Life transition. Should you have chosen to have kids? And then this is another kind of, really kind of a mark marker in the, in the lives of.

[00:16:38] And for each of those life transitions, at least in the society and culture that I grew up in, it wasn't really marked with much ceremony or welcoming. There wasn't much wisdom passed down from those who had gone before me. There's so much shame in, in my experience with, [00:17:00] especially with menstruating for the first time bleeding for the first time.

[00:17:05] This transition feels similar to me and that there's very, there's a gap there. It feels like such a massive gap between kind of where life going along. And then all of a sudden there's a change coming and then you're in it without much. Again, ritual or welcoming or talking about or preparation for what it means, what it means to who you're becoming, what it means, what the change means, what we make it mean, what society and culture in how society and culture relate to it.

[00:17:36] Because how we're seen after we bleed, how we're seen, when we have children, how we're seen in perceived in this phase of life, there is a relationship with how we see ourselves. communities and culture, how communities see us. So I love what you've shared about being in community, where this is happening, because it's affecting us individually as much as there is a community aspect and element to [00:18:00] it.

[00:18:00] And because we have so little support in community and the bigger kind of way that we live, it feels so nourishing and supportive to have that sense of community. And what I'm loving about what you just shared. How can we be with becoming a new it does feel like a springtime again, right? How can we be with becoming a new version of ourselves?

[00:18:26] It's kind of like a mix of excitement of the unknown of what we're becoming the potentiality there. And I think with menopause, especially, it's not viewed in that way of what potential growth or what potential beautiful experiences might I have. What's the potential there for expanding out into something exciting.

[00:18:47] Fun and sexy. We'll bring it back to sex and sexuality because I would love for you to speak more to that. So my curiosity is, as you're working with women to define for themselves what this new phase of [00:19:00] life is, how do how do you contextualize it, or maybe this is something you do in collaboration with your client with, with.

[00:19:09] Not just the greater kind of society and culture and halibut you received, but also with their personal story and their personal journey crafting that the potentiality of that feels like such a beautiful opportunity that perhaps is one of the most powerful ways of having this shift into a new.

[00:19:29] Into a new phase of life feel really empowering and good as opposed to different experience. Yeah. So I'm just wondering another question is that, that 

[00:19:39] Clarissa: no, but I understand, I understand. I mean, I think it's really important for women to mark. The end of menstruation. And I think too often we let that day go and say, oh yeah, that's kind of happened.

[00:19:53] But when we're more conscious of our own bodies and our, and what's happening with them, and you do say, gosh, it is 12 months since I [00:20:00] had my last period. Now I am. Menopause in menopause and post-menopause, I think to celebrate that is really important. How you celebrate it, you may be only able to celebrate it on your own, but I think when you are part of a community, then I think many of you can come together and have.

[00:20:19] A celebration full that time and to own it that time, I'm also doing more and more writing around conscious aging, where I'd been working with women to write more about, I remember, and you can actually then put down your story and the memories that have marked this time. Up to this point, and then you can write, I am a new can write.

[00:20:43] I am becoming what you know, and allow yourself the freedom to write that freely or as a poem or something you really are there. Beginning to put concretely into, into words. [00:21:00] What this is is, is that people write wonderful things like I'm becoming invisible, but I can eat, choose to eat all the free freebie snacks that are laid out.

[00:21:09] And no one notices me doing that and things like people do, you know, write funny things as well, and they can. Gracefully and disgracefully, you know, and they wear bright clothes because they want to, and that sort of thing. So I think there is that, and I definitely think that a lot of women should we evaluate how they want to show up physically in the world.

[00:21:29] Maybe you do want to clear out your wardrobe and say, I'm done with the corporate boring. I'm going to wear bright colors. I'm going to cut my hair short I'm you know, and I, I interviewed on the. For an upcoming episode, somebody who is a stylist for women in later in life and how much we can revolutionize a wardrobe.

[00:21:49] So those things help us to mark a transition and step into a new role where I think in many ways, Deep down, we care a little bit less about what [00:22:00] people think about us, and that's a real brain change that, that those caring Nurtury kind of hormones, it doesn't mean will become, you know, the B word, but we actually start to put ourselves first.

[00:22:12] And I, and I think encouraging that thought processes, what does. Points of marking. It become an important part of transitioning into the new you that you're going to be for maybe 30 plus years, you know, not going to be it for five years, but for a lot longer than you've been in perimenopause. 

[00:22:31] Andrea: Absolutely. Yeah. And let's do a little bit of a laser focus on one area of. Seeing ourselves differently in this new phase of life that would be encompassing, maybe dating or new relationships because many women will experience. Perhaps they're, they've, they're single at this age or phase in life, whether that's they're still single and happen for a long time or they're newly [00:23:00] single So I'm kind of curious about dating at this phase and then also perhaps.

[00:23:08] Even more curious about what happens with the redefinition of our sexual selves. 

[00:23:13] Clarissa: Yeah, I think both personally, I'm the women I work with. I would say this is a time where the rules that you may have lived by no longer apply. Because when, when we are younger, there is more of an emphasis that you, you go into relationship. You're going to live together. You're maybe going to create a family if that's possible, what you choose.

[00:23:36] And there are certain rules and norms and you're following what everybody else. When we go into this phase of life, you can choose in many, many more ways than you did before, how you want to be. Now for some women, they have a partner. And that is, I think, a lot of redefining of boundaries and rules that women do need to go through at this [00:24:00] time of life.

[00:24:00] And I think often they need the help of a relationship coach like yourself, Andrea, because people are living on parallel lines. And I think a lot of us have lived on those kinds of parallel lines, bringing up children, working men, go through menopause, they have andropause. So they have their own issues that are going on.

[00:24:19] And I think often there needs to be a coming back together. But if we're single, I was saying. And all, we end our relationship and I know many women who end the relationship at 50 in their fifties and say, I'm done with this. Then it's a redefining. If you even want another relationship, I'm when no one tells you, you have to have one for the first stage.

[00:24:42] It's usually good for you to have somebody in your life that you care for and love, but you can decide. Do you want to be married? You don't have to be, you don't even have to live together. You define how you want it to be and negotiate that with the other person. You can also have a [00:25:00] lot of fun dating. I mean, why not enjoy it because there's no pressure.

[00:25:05] So you, you can go out, enjoy big connection, have amazing times. Maybe you just want a friend to go on holiday with, you know, I think that's part of this great freedom around relationships and dating. I'm not saying that it's desperate, easy, and I think a lot of that is because. You know, we have a society where all the women were not quite sure what to do with them, but, you know, I got married at 50, actually.

[00:25:32] It was my third wedding anniversary yesterday. Yes. And what say that we chose to got married for a number of reasons? Also, partly because there were complications with Brexit and things like that, and he decided he didn't want me to have to leave the country, but we didn't feel the pressure to get married.

[00:25:49] We did it because, you know, it was a better thing to do for that reason, but it's a different kind of relationship. You know, we are much closer as friends yet. We're both [00:26:00] able to do our own thing more and we're more outspoken. And it's good. And I have a second family that I love having, but I don't feel the need to have to be the stepmother.

[00:26:11] Everything is just a lot easier as, as we get older. And I think that's the first thing, but I do think you asked about sex and sexuality. We can have great sex. Post-menopause but I think it's again different.

[00:26:27] I got speaking to people like yourself and as you know, Dr. Laura, Beth Bisbee. Yeah. I mean, she's, she she's been on my podcast and I loved her whole take on it. You know, that we don't have to have sex in the way that we maybe had it as we were younger, sensuality becomes a lot more important and sex doesn't have to be penetrative.

[00:26:49] And we can enjoy. Pleasuring ourselves more. And it's actually really important from a physiological perspective because blood flow [00:27:00] to the vagina to the vulva is important because you know what we don't use. You kind of lose as well. So being sexually active is important for our long-term health and wellbeing in, in, in purely physiological.

[00:27:16] Andrea: Amazing. What would you say to a woman who feels a drop in libido? So if she does feel a drop in libido as she's transitioning, what might you say to her? If her desire was to, to add some sparkle back into that part of her life. 

[00:27:39] Clarissa: I think the first thing is to really question where the loss of libido is coming from. Is it. Because you're very tired and stressed because none of us feel like we want to have sex when we're exhausted. And I think there's sometimes a mismatch between men and women also that men often want to have sex. At the end of the [00:28:00] day. We're like, leave me alone. I've had a hold at the office and I just don't feel like it. So we need to address whether it's that. All we struggling with with night sweats that are not making us feel almost attractive. We can address that. And then if it's because sex starts to feel painful, then we need some help. I mean, we may need to lubricate more. We may need to go on hormone therapy, total hormone therapy, or we may need to just have localized vaginal hormone.

[00:28:33] Tablets. They're great. I'd say to any woman, just take veggie fam. If you can get it, it's going to be available on or off the shelf in over the counter in lots of countries. It is here in Sweden, but it is something that helps us on a practical level. Work out where it is, and I'm trying to work with your partner.

[00:28:54] If, if it's not talk to them, communication is important. Make [00:29:00] time to have sex or have a sexual intimate moment when you're not tired when you're not in the most dripping sweat and Lube lube lube lube lube. I mean, every sex therapist would tell you that because minor tears. Make a difference that they take longer to heal.

[00:29:19] And if you're having real problems and it's not getting better than that is the time to go also to your healthcare provider, to talk to them about whether you need testosterone, which many clinicians are still a little reluctant to prescribe, but which can make a huge difference. You want to libido is completely not coming back and you're doing everything you can.

[00:29:42] Th that you may need to have some other procedures. Maybe you do have a number of women can have quite severe vaginal atrophy. Then maybe you need to be talking to someone who works in deals with that, because there are procedures that can really support that. So I think, I think it's a case of [00:30:00] who are you are the things you can do yourself, or do you need more medical support in this space?

[00:30:07] Andrea: Yeah, I love that approach of working with your body and, you know, I'm a huge huge fan of self-pleasure and I'm also a huge fan of lube. No matter what age you are, no matter what phase of life you're in. If you are sexually active or exploring that those. So supportive, just a healthy, thriving sexuality, whether you're single or with someone.

[00:30:30] Clarissa: Yeah, definitely. And I think just being able to constantly communicate with your partner is so important at this time. And I think if you do at some stage feel, I need a bit of a break to assimilate all of.

[00:30:45] Then sometimes that's okay. Give yourself the permission to take about a timeout rest at the system, kind of rebalance itself, and then re-ignite to your sexual life in ways that feel right to [00:31:00] you. You know, and I think we have to learn to get over. That we should look a particular way or be a particular way.

[00:31:07] I think there's, we're freeing ourselves from all those constraints that sometimes also are there mentally for us. And I love that you mentioned grief. We are in a process sometimes of grief of losing the young woman and what that younger woman was and becoming something equally as beautiful, but just differently.

[00:31:30] Andrea: The Sage era of our lives, the wisdom holders we become in such a beautiful rich phase of life. It really, really is to really step into that wisdom and know that that's what you are now and not have to worry about all of the other stuff. And we may still worry. That's okay too. We may worry a bit less, which is wonderful.

[00:31:54] But really stepping into the power of the Sage, the power of the wisdom phase of our life and the [00:32:00] gift that that is for ourselves and for those who come before us, that we can pass on that wisdom and share it's a gift as well, a gift and giving and a gift to receive. Yeah, so beautiful. So thank you for that.

[00:32:13] You mentioned writing a menopause plan, which I love. And you also work, we spoke a bit about how you work with women. Perhaps. I wondering if you would love to speak about either the program that you've got thriving through menopause or your ad, or perhaps both the book that you've got coming up, because the more as we spoke to the more knowledge, the more experience.

[00:32:37] That the more stories perhaps even that, that are heard and shared from those who walked before us can be so, so supportive and really make for a positive experience if you'd like to share. 

[00:32:51] Clarissa: Well, I mean, it would talk about really that the program of course, is, is called Thriving through menopause and. It's really [00:33:00] what I talked about, you know, that sense of where you are, the thing, the fundamentals that you can change in your life, the mindset, and bringing a mindful approach to this time of life and your purpose.

[00:33:14] But I am very excited about my new book, which is coming out in March. It's a collection of 11. People's stories, including mine. We are aged from early forties to eighties, so we're certainly getting a spot and we're, we're global. And we have one man talking about his experience of supporting his partner through this time of life.

[00:33:37] And I think it's cool. The potent power of menopause, and it is all about really, exactly that. Exactly what we've been talking about throughout this podcast, Andrea. Every single person that has had a challenge or is going through challenges. A couple of the women are, are younger. So they're actually in the middle of their own personal [00:34:00] challenges.

[00:34:00] And then some of us who have come through and they're saying, you know, this is hugely transformative. People have written about starting new businesses, becoming politically active about one woman left a religious order to. Get married and start a whole different life, which is, it is a big thing. It's not a small thing to, to break free from being a numb, believe me, you know, that's a big thing.

[00:34:29] And I think what we see is despite the difficulties that people have and ha, and have had how powerful this transformation has been. How so many of us have stepped in and become stronger wiser leaders in our own way, in, in the world and are speaking out in the world and saying, you know, we don't subscribe to the, the misery only stories and the negativity, but to the power of this time and that [00:35:00] older women are forced in this world and we can change.

[00:35:04] The lives for other women, but we could also, you know, change the politics of this the, our countries by saying, we want more equality. We want to be heard. We want to be taken seriously. And we know you're no longer saying, oh, a man sort of gray and attractive women are older and attractive and not in a stereotypical type of way as well.

[00:35:28] Andrea: I'm sexy sixties. I like it sexy seventies. I like it works through to, oh my goodness. Eighties. Yeah, I could go on and on it's yeah, there's so much opportunity there.

[00:35:43] And I love the fact that there's a man who writes about that in the book coming up. I can't wait to read his story because it really talking about sex. We didn't talk about that so much until now in this podcast, but it is one of the keys to good sex. So if you want to have. Sex talking [00:36:00] about it is absolutely key to that.

[00:36:02] So sharing it can feel so, so vulnerable, and we are not necessarily used to talking so openly about our, our experiences of sex, even with those that we're having it with. Sometimes especially those that we're having it with. And it's so, so healing and brings us that much closer when we can, we can share what's happening and request, ask for.

[00:36:25] And the support that we might need, and if that other person's available for it, wonderful. And if they can meet us only half way, and we know to reach out to community, to friends, to others, to help to help bridge the gap. And so it is repairative, it is. So beautiful too, to be able to express ourselves fully at this phase in life.

[00:36:48] And in whole new ways, I see so many colors. Now we've spoken about so much possibility from wardrobe changes to lifestyle changes to partner changes to [00:37:00] having sex in a different way. There's just so many different ways to, to live this. And In such a beautiful way. So yeah. Thank you so much for sharing so much wisdom, so much insight, so much experience.

[00:37:13] And I feel like it's a gift to have this have had this time with you and I'm sure everyone listening also feels the same for sure. So how can we get more? How can people stay in touch with you? How can they stay connected? How can we. 

[00:37:29] Clarissa: Yeah, wonderful. Well, obviously you can connect with me on social I'm there on Instagram and Twitter.

[00:37:37] And on LinkedIn, LinkedIn is obviously myself and Instagram and Twitter. I'm thriving through menopause or some version of that can listen to my podcasts where Andrea has been a fantastic guest as well on an episode that was downloaded hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of times people read.

[00:37:56] Appreciated that so much. And if you want to connect with me, you can also connect with me on my website. That's Clarissa christianson.com. There I am. You can read about my programs. You can send me a message set up a time to talk.

[00:38:15] Andrea: Wonderful. Thank you so much, Clarissa. Hope to see you again soon. Yeah, it was my pleasure.

[00:38:21] Clarissa: I love talking to you. Thank you, Andrea. For this opportunity.