Did you know that the vast majority of people in the dating pool have an attachment style which is Avoidant?
Why is this worrisome?
If you know anything about attachment theory which offers great insight into how we love, then you’ll know that people with the Avoidant style of attachment are not emotionally available.
In fact, these so-called ‘Avoidants’ avoid emotional closeness like the plague – hence the name. And if you want an intimate relationship where you feel deep connection with the person you are with, you might want to be aware of whether he’s up for it or not.
So how can you tell if the guy you are dating is emotionally accessible?
I decided you should hear this one from the horse’s mouth.
Here’s one man’s view on how to tell if your guy (or date) is ready for the kind of intimate relationship that you want.
There is no hard and fast way to tell if a man is emotionally available.
There are, however, strongly correlated behaviours to emotional accessibility.
- Marv Weidner, emotionally available man by nature
Preparation for Intimacy
Being vs Doing
About doing - most men in the West at least, are evaluated and valued on their ability to do things, e.g. make a living, do work, fix things, building stuff, you get the idea.
Emotional accessibility depends in part on a man’s ability to ‘be’ present, to listen, to know how they are feeling in the moment in order to be able to share it.
These abilities are quite different than how most men are socialized to behave. It takes conscious effort to be able to ‘be present.
Has your guy done that work?
Doing the Work
Has your guy ‘done the work?’
By that, has he consciously worked on himself to know who he is from the inside out?
Has he resolved past losses and grieved them to a level of satisfaction that he can move forward.
Successfully doing the work on himself, either through therapy, spiritual work, or other self-examination and reflection makes him more able to be fully present. And to not be compromised by his unresolved past.
What is he like when he is with you?
Does he listen?
Does he ask you follow-up questions when you have shared a story or an impression or opinion? Or does he wait until you are finished, then shares something of himself or of his experiences as a ‘parallel’ to yours?
It is often appropriate to share parallel stories, but if he does so without exploring what you are saying first before he shares his story, he is not providing you emotional access.
Can he listen when you speak of feelings?
Do you speak the same language when talking about feelings? Can he stay with your topic or does he need to change the subject?
And what is his ‘love language’? Does it include verbal affirmations?
All love language have their own beauty and power. My observation is that folks, men in this case, who do not include verbal affirmations are somewhat less likely to be emotionally accessible.
How does he react to a question?
How does he react when you ask him about why he thinks about things or in a certain way? Can he respond calmly? Or does he get agitated easily?
Listen to his language
Does he use the language of feelings? Or does he mostly or largely speak about events, things, and what he thinks? All that is okay, but unless you hear him refer to how he feels about something or someone, then that may be a ‘tell’ that he does not come from his feelings, but more from his head.
Note from Andrea: for most men, it has been neither safe nor acceptable to speak of feelings, never mind feel them! So some men might need your support here. Once they know they can express feelings with you verbally, and that you won’t think less of them, then they’ll be more apt to. And they may also lack the language of emotions, never having been asked to describe anything other than the acceptable ones such as anger.
Open vs Honest
Honesty requires answering questions as completely and honestly as one can. Openness is something quite different. Openness is proactively sharing what he feels about you, about life, about events and people in his life. If a couple can agree to not hold anything back, then openness will encompass honesty.
When you are intimate
Is he as interested in your pleasure as much as his own? Is he able to ask you what you would like? Is he able to tell you what he wants?
Huge thanks to Marv for sharing his wisdom. Marv had to work through a lot of avoidant women (and his own stuff) to finally land on a secure attacher.
He’s now happily – and steadily – in love.