How to talk about sex in early stage dating

The biggest mistake I see people make (and that I made myself) when it comes to dating, is avoiding the very conversation that could lead to deeper, more meaningful connection, better sex in the short and long run, and fewer regrets overall.

And that conversation is quite simply: Talking about sex

I get it, talking about getting it on in the bedroom (or any other room for that matter) can feel awkward, clinical, or even risky. 

“But Andrea, what if I scare them off? What if they think I’m “too much”? Aren’t I being too much? It feels like too much”, I hear you say in worried tones. 

But here’s the truth: The relationships that thrive are the ones where people dare to have these conversations anyway. And early on.

And here’s what happens when we avoid these talks:

• We end up with misaligned expectations (one person wants casual sex and an easy, open relationship whilst in the early dating stage, the other wants more commitment and monogamy – from the start).

• We fake enjoyment and pretend readiness or suppress our need to take things more slowly – just to keep the peace.

• We miss out on the chance to build real intimacy—the kind that comes from being seen and heard, understood and acknowledged, and respected and accepted for who we are and where we’re at.

That last one is a big one. A true game changer. 

What to Do Instead

Talk About Sex Before You Have It

Waiting until you’re already in bed to discuss boundaries or STI status is like waiting until you’re on the plane to ask if the pilot is licensed. 

And de-couple talking about sex (not necessarily a sexy conversation and it doesn’t have to be), to actually having it when you’re both ready (very sexy). 

Discuss sex in a low-pressure setting, like at lunch or over afternoon coffee. Try: “I really love how open we’ve been so far. It would be great if we could open up a conversation about having sex when we’re both ready. How do you feel about that?”

Normalize the Awkwardness

Awkwardness isn’t a sign that something’s wrong—it’s a sign you’re being human. Lean into it with humor or vulnerability: “Okay, this might feel a little awkward, it certainly does to me, but it’s important to me. So I’d rather be awkward now than uncomfortable later.”

Prioritize Compatibility Over Chemistry

Chemistry is the spark, but compatibility is the fuel. Ask questions early on, like: “I’d love to learn more about you. What’s something you’ve learned about yourself from past relationships when it comes to sex or intimacy?”

Silence isn’t consent, and it isn’t communication. During and after sex, ask: “How does this feel for you?” or “Is there anything you’d want more or less of?”

Reject the “Cool Girl/Cool Guy” Myth

Stop pretending to be “chill” or “low-maintenance” about sex. Give yourself permission to have preferences—and to voice them.

Recovering people pleasers out there, this one is for us especially. 

Why This Matters for You

At this stage in life, many of us are done with games, guesswork, and settling. We want relationships that feel authentic, passionate, and aligned. That starts with having the courage to speak up—about what we want, what we don’t, and what we need to feel safe and satisfied.

Sexual communication isn’t a test—it’s a skill. And like any skill, it gets easier with practice.

You don’t have to be perfect at it, you just have to do it.

Wax on. Wax off.

If you still struggle with talking about sex, let’s have a conversation about how I can help.

Clearing Ritual for Healing Heartbreak – Feed your ex to a reptile

In a recent conversation with Kelly Hinch on BBC Sounds, I shared that it's actually healthy to feed your ex to a reptile, metaphorically speaking , of course. Listen in on the conversation here (skip to 2:47:45 to fast track to my segment).

All this to help you heal from heartbreak. But can it work? Give it a go yourself by listening in on this audio guided meditation below on how to feed your ex to a reptile and heal from heartbreak.

Note: this recording was made in collab with my AI companion so that I could deliver it to you quickly and easily for free. Do pause the recording between each Step so that you can fully complete it before moving on to the next.

FYI Twycross Zoo in the UK is testing this IRL by giving one heartbroken human the chance to feed their ex, in the form of a bug, to a reptile at the opening of a new animal habitat: Close Encounters - The World of Reptiles and Spiders. How exciting!

The Five Step Ritual to Healing from Heartbreak

Step 1

Recall your ex and notice all that stuck stuff inside you, from the memories to the emotions to the physical sensations that go along with it all.

Step 2

Imagine all of this stuff moving outside of your body and into the body of a delicious little insect that the reptile of your choice might enjoy for lunch (my choice is a panther chameleon).

Step 3

Imagine feeding this insect to your chosen reptile. Know that all of that stuff that you've just cleared is simply energy. And that as a food source for your reptile it will be recycled and made into something nourishing.

Step 4

Voila! You've just practiced energy alchemy. Notice how you feel in your body. When I teach a similar ritual to clients who are struggling with heartbreak, they tell me they feel lighter and more free afterwards. If this is you too, you've become an energy alchemist – you've transformed negative energy into something positive and good.

Step 5

Fill up with the good stuff. Imagine fresh new light, crystal clear, high vibe energy enter into the spaces you've cleared within you.

You are whole, you are healed, you are complete.

---

The truth is that it does work

When we experience relationship transitions and breakups, we often carry emotional residue that gets stuck in our bodies and can impede healing, moving on and making future connections that might be more right for us.

In my personal and professional practice, I've experienced how guided visualization and symbolic actions can help clients heal from heartbreak and:

🦎 Process complex emotions in a structured way
🦎 Create definitive closure points
🦎 Transform negative energy into positive potential
🦎 Open space for new relationships and experiences

The metaphorical act of releasing what no longer serves us allows space for new growth and opportunities.

How have you navigated breakups and heartbreak? Comment below.

And if you're still stuck, contact me and we’ll talk about how coaching can help you move forward.

How the stories you tell yourself keep you from love – and how to change that

It hit me like a cold, hard slap in the face. 

‘Is that the story you’re telling yourself?, she asked me.’

What the f*ck did she mean, ‘the story.’

I had recounted the cold, hard, facts truthfully to my coach…facts which stung, btw.

Facts like: 

> I had been on date after date after date. Well over 100. 

> I had liked …ok not that many… but actually enough of those men I’d have happily gone on 2nd dates with to see where it might lead. 

> And none of these dates had gone anywhere. 

Based on the facts

The evidence so painfully and clearly written before me

Year after year

Failed date after failed date

I had come to the conclusion that 

• I’m just not that good with men

• I’m just not attractive in that way

• And anyway, I’m better on my own

I do good as ‘me’, single, independent, balanced, happy. 

The end. 

That was my story. 

And it’s the same story that I hear from clients over and over again. 

Except that I couldn’t accept the ending of the story – and neither do the people I work with.  

The ending being

Living our lives.

Alone. 

Forever. 

The truth is, until we learn how to shift our stories

Learn how to look at the past differently

And tell a new story about it

Based on new truths

Things simply do not change. 

So that there’s more possible endings…and beginnings

Things don’t change. 

‘So tell me what else is true,’ my coach asked. 

Errrmmmm well … I was hesitant. 

The truth was, it felt more comfortable being the victim of my story than writing any other role for myself in it. 

I could feel my heels digging in. 

I felt tired. Exhausted. 

Like some sort of inner battle was waging 

But I couldn’t see clearly who was fighting. 

My story served me. 

It made me feel powerful.

It reminded me that ‘I could ‘do life’ on my own and be just fine.’

But was telling this same story over and over again, helping me now? 

HELL no.

So I began to re-write the story, however reluctantly. 

‘I had a pretty good time on that date and I thought it went well but I’ve not heard back from him and he didn’t reply to my text so….maybe…

> He really liked me and kind of freaked out

> He went on the date even though he’s not really ready for a relationship

> He’s got something going on I can’t see, but I’m going to trust this is for the better

> Maybe, just maybe, it’s about him and not about me. 

The old story would have sounded like: 

> I’m just not that attractive to men. 

> I should have been more __________ (fill in blanks). 

> Maybe I was too ____________(fill in blanks). 

> Why is it easier for __________(fill in various names of other women who seemed good at this)

Now don’t get me wrong, I still knew that I’d have to change or shift things within me if I wanted to see different results in love and life. 

After all, I was the common denominator, the main character in this lifetime of stories. 

And I knew that I had to do things differently. 

But the changes I needed to make looked different than I’d imagined. 

Starting with this thing about storytelling. 

So I began to write new stories for myself

Beginning with small edits to the script (because changing the whole damn story all at once didn’t feel good to me). 

As I edited my story over and over again, new possibilities emerged. 

Possibilities like: 

> Maybe it’s not all about me, maybe it’s about them too

> I hold a unique flavour of beauty, and I’m attractive in my own way (once I owned this one from the inside out, it became my new normal – I turned heads and knew I was alluring)

> It’s great to know that I’m ace at being single and can ‘do this’ on my own, so it’s ok to take a risk and open myself up more. I can always go back to being single if it doesn’t work out. 

Now, after years of focus on self-development and through professional study, I know that the way that I was telling my story and how I felt about it are a normal part of human functioning.

And though normal, not one that we have to submit to once we are aware of what is going on. 

So if you feel stuck when it comes to relationships and love, begin to ask yourself the following questions

To detect whether you are telling yourself a story

To see if there might be an opportunity for you to ‘change the script’

And actively create possibilities for a new ending

• What story do you find yourself telling over and over again about love, relationships and sex? Do you sound like a broken record? If yes, welcome to your story.

• What do you insist on as true?

• Which truths serve and empower you?

• Which ones feel limiting and debilitating?

• What would you say to the part of you that holds on to fear? To the part of you that wants to dream?

• What becomes possible when you begin to look at things differently?

• What opportunities open up?

New stories will, at the very least, break a pattern of thought that has long held you back. 

They will pave the way for and open you up to new possibilities. 

So that you might actually get the ending to the story that you want. 

Let me help you become aware of the stories you’re telling yourself and support you in the process of writing new ones in a way that feels grounded, realistic and true to you. 

Sign up for a 15 minute chat with me and we’ll talk about how.

And if you want to learn about why / how our brains craft and interpret stories, here’s the neuroscience on it.

How to tell if a man is emotionally available

Did you know that the vast majority of people in the dating pool have an attachment style which is Avoidant?

Why is this worrisome? 

If you know anything about attachment theory which offers great insight into how we love, then you’ll know that people with the Avoidant style of attachment are not emotionally available.

In fact, these so-called ‘Avoidants’ avoid emotional closeness like the plague – hence the name. And if you want an intimate relationship where you feel deep connection with the person you are with, you might want to be aware of whether he’s up for it or not.

So how can you tell if the guy you are dating is emotionally accessible?

I decided you should hear this one from the horse’s mouth. 

Here’s one man’s view on how to tell if your guy (or date) is ready for the kind of intimate relationship that you want.

There is no hard and fast way to tell if a man is emotionally available.  

There are, however, strongly correlated behaviours to emotional accessibility.  

- Marv Weidner, emotionally available man by nature

Preparation for Intimacy

Being vs Doing

About doing - most men in the West at least, are evaluated and valued on their ability to do things, e.g. make a living, do work, fix things, building stuff, you get the idea.  

Emotional accessibility depends in part on a man’s ability to ‘be’ present, to listen, to know how they are feeling in the moment in order to be able to share it. 

These abilities are quite different than how most men are socialized to behave. It takes conscious effort to be able to ‘be present.  

Has your guy done that work?

Doing the Work

Has your guy ‘done the work?’ 

By that, has he consciously worked on himself to know who he is from the inside out? 

Has he resolved past losses and grieved them to a level of satisfaction that he can move forward.  

Successfully doing the work on himself, either through therapy, spiritual work, or other self-examination and reflection makes him more able to be fully present. And to not be compromised by his unresolved past.

What is he like when he is with you?

Does he listen?

Does he ask you follow-up questions when you have shared a story or an impression or opinion?  Or does he wait until you are finished, then shares something of himself or of his experiences as a ‘parallel’ to yours? 

It is often appropriate to share parallel stories, but if he does so without exploring what you are saying first before he shares his story, he is not providing you emotional access.

Can he listen when you speak of feelings?

Do you speak the same language when talking about feelings? Can he stay with your topic or does he need to change the subject? 

And what is his ‘love language’?  Does it include verbal affirmations? 

All love language have their own beauty and power.  My observation is that folks, men in this case, who do not include verbal affirmations are somewhat less likely to be emotionally accessible.

How does he react to a question?

How does he react when you ask him about why he thinks about things or in a certain way? Can he respond calmly? Or does he get agitated easily?

Listen to his language 

Does he use the language of feelings? Or does he mostly or largely speak about events, things, and what he thinks?  All that is okay, but unless you hear him refer to how he feels about something or someone, then that may be a ‘tell’ that he does not come from his feelings, but more from his head.

Note from Andrea: for most men, it has been neither safe nor acceptable to speak of feelings, never mind feel them! So some men might need your support here. Once they know they can express feelings with you verbally, and that you won’t think less of them, then they’ll be more apt to. And they may also lack the language of emotions, never having been asked to describe anything other than the acceptable ones such as anger. 

Open vs Honest

Honesty requires answering questions as completely and honestly as one can. Openness is something quite different.  Openness is proactively sharing what he feels about you, about life, about events and people in his life. If a couple can agree to not hold anything back, then openness will encompass honesty.

When you are intimate

Is he as interested in your pleasure as much as his own? Is he able to ask you what you would like? Is he able to tell you what he wants?

Huge thanks to Marv for sharing his wisdom. Marv had to work through a lot of avoidant women (and his own stuff) to finally land on a secure attacher.

He’s now happily – and steadily – in love.

How to fall in love with a nice guy

Women often come to me saying that they don’t want to settle. 

But every time they meet a guy who’s perfectly nice, they just don’t feel the spark. 

Or they just don’t feel like they can trust him – he’s just too nice. 

If this is you, you might be keeping yourself from creating a healthy relationship – one that is not only sexy, exciting and alive – but also stands the test of time.

Or you might be doing exactly the right thing.

Here’s the real difference between ‘nice guys’ and ‘bad boys’ – and what you want instead.

When it’s about him 

If your ‘nice guy’ is a ‘yes man’, then no, he can not be trusted. And nope, ‘yes men’ are certainly not sexy.

Yes men are people pleasers.

They’ll do or say anything to win your affection or draw you in. 

A yes man will tell you want you want to hear, and it may not necessarily be what he actually thinks or feels. 
You feel he can’t be trusted because you’re left wondering what’s really going on beneath the surface. You might even wonder what may come out of the closet and surprise you later down the line.

Yes men lack boundaries.

Hence women feeling like they can ‘walk all over them.’

This is not at all appealing for a woman who knows her worth. She’s not into power plays, but wants a healthy relationship where there’s mutual respect and understanding. 

Therefore this type of yes man is uninteresting. An empowered woman wants to be held accountable for her views and opinions. She wants to be challenged to be the best that she can be. And for this she needs a powerful man who’s not afraid to say what he sees in her – when she’s doing great. And where there are blind spots. Even if some things are hard to hear, he finds a way to say them so that it feels supportive and constructive. 

A yes man doesn’t know his own worth.

He may honestly love you, but he doesn’t love himself enough to give this love in a healthy way. He overcompensates, is over-giving and over-available. This feels uninteresting.  

The antithesis of the ‘nice guy’ is the ‘bad boy’. But this guy too, as we know, is also flawed. 

When it’s about you

Why we go for the ‘bad boy’ instead 

His kind of love (or lack thereof) feels familiar. Literally. 

Some women are used to love and affection feeling just out of reach. This may be what you experienced from your parents or caretakers, who were often absent, busy or just not available enough. 

We look to heal this breach in adulthood – to find someone that we can get to give us the attention we never got as a kid. We hope to convert the person. To get them to love us. 

But in reality, they are unable to love like we need them to in the first place. 
Don’t trust honest, open, healthy displays of love + affection because you are not used to them. 

We love the ‘bad boys’ because they let us explore a part of us that has been suppressed 

You know that you don’t have to be on their best behaviour with a guy who’s a rebel. And you allow your own ‘bad girl’ to come out. 

In childhood girls are often taught to be ‘good’. And our rebellious nature is repressed. You therefore might feel a childlike glee and joy in doing what’s forbidden. And this can fuel the flames of desire. It feeds excitement. 

The ‘wild’ in you has been condemned by our society and culture

And yet raw, uninhibited desire is a natural part of being human. Women who express freely this part of themselves are often stigmatised and judged. If a woman senses that she’s going to be given a chance to express this deep innate part of her sexuality, she’s going to be drawn to someone that she feels will receive this with open arms and enjoy it. 

The drama in another distracts us from ourselves. 

The bad boy gives us a project that needs ‘fixing’. 

Women often get validated as care-takers, fixers, healers and learn at an early age that we’re good if we do this. Fixing gives a sense of worth and purpose. 

The only problem is that these guys don’t necessarily want to change. Or to be fixed. And so over time a woman can become submissive rather than nurturing, when the one she wants to change either won’t or ‘just can’t’. 

External drama keeps the focus on the external. On him. On the drama in the relationship that always seems to be there. On what’s going on outside of you.

When the storm outside is quiet because you’re with someone who is balanced and healthy, then there’s no distraction. It gives space for introspection and turning the focus inwards. 

In doing so we are asked to face our own strife, storms and drama that we hold within.

How to break the cycle

Learn to trust the guys who are actually nice – and available. 

Recognise what’s actually playing out for you. 

Which of the above sounds true? What patterns are you playing out over and over again in dating and relationships? 

Saying no to Yes Men is a good thing. 

But letting go of an actual healthy, empowered man is another. 

A guy in his power won’t necessarily fight for your attention or affection. He knows his worth. He doesn’t need to prove it in grand displays. 
And he’s not interested in fighting for power over you either. He has enough of that within himself. He isn’t interested in taking yours. 

He won’t ‘take it’ either. He’ll let you know what’s cool. And what isn’t. He’ll expect you to own your emotions, your feelings and accept responsibility for what’s yours.
He’ll celebrate your strength. And challenge you to be more than you are. 

And he’ll also lean back so that you can show up wild, free and full of life. But without the drama.

Know yourself and take care of her

He expects you to know how to manage your own storms within. To know yourself enough so that you can recognise what’s going on inside. And own what is yours. 

He’s available to listen as you express yourself clearly and with grace, even if it feels difficult. 

This doesn’t mean you need to hide your emotions. It means understanding why you are feeling a certain way by asking yourself what is really going on with you. And why you’ve had such a strong reaction. 

And from that place of self-knowing, sharing with him what you are experiencing and why. 

If you struggle with understanding ‘your part’ and why you actually feel the way that you feel, then coaching can be a powerful way for you to gain insight into what’s really going on. Connect with me and I’ll help you to navigate your own inner world.

Live out the parts of you that want living.

Do you feel caged in by life? By how you are with friends and family? Is there a part of you that wants expressing so that you can feel more free in your life. And perhaps your sexuality. 

Accept these parts of you. Celebrate them. Love them. Let them breathe. 

Relationships can feel easy. And exciting. And wild. And fun. 

And safe too. Learn to be ok with the unfamiliar. Allow yourself to receive the love and affection that comes your way. 

Love like this might look different than what you’re used to – and thank goddess for that.

3 steps to have more success in love in 2021

December is a time of year for retrospection…and introspection. 

As you look back on the year – and granted, it’s been a strange one – you can take stock of what you’ve learned.

And ask what wants to be left behind. What wants to be carried forward.

And what wants to happen in the new year so that you can create the love you want.

Journaling is a great way to do this.  

And I also recommend long walks in nature as you contemplate the following.

With the wisdom mined, you’ll then take informed, inspired action.

Step 1: Get clear on what you want in a relationship

This year in Dating

• What worked with meeting new people

• What didn’t 

• Who did you connect with easily. Why?

• What made a date feel good?

• What made a date flop?

Action:

Dating over time can be tough. And we can loose a sense for how much it actually teaches us. 

Write down 3 things that dating helped you understand about what you want in a relationship.

Read more on healthy relationships here.  

Step 2: Prep your heart for big love

This year in Love

• What wants letting go from this year

• Unreturned messages

• Bad dates

• Bad kisses 

• Dashed hopes

• Heartbreak big and small

• Patterns that keep repeating

Action: Write down 3 things you’re letting go of this year. Burn the paper. 

Fill yourself up with good stuff with this Heal Heartbreak meditation.

Step 3: Know you can have it (even if you never have)

This year in Sex + Pleasure

• Are you connected to your body? 

• Did you self-pleasure enough? 

• Did it feel sacred….or routine? 

• Did you only say yes when it was a HELL YES and your body was on board?

• What allows you to drop more into pleasure? 

• What keeps you from it? 

• Does it feel nourishing? 
  

Action:

Schedule sex in. Yep, even if it’s with yourself. Get that diary out and find 3 days that work for you. 

Not sure where to start? Watch this and learn about how your body is built for pleasure (for people with vaginas)

Your pleasure is yours to own. It’s your birthright and we’re all naturally wired for pleasure. 

You are the creator of your own pleasure. 

You are the creator of your life. 

And you can create the deep, connected, long-term healthy partnership that you want to. 

It starts with you. 

3 misunderstood qualities empowered men LOVE about empowered women

Empowered men love powerful women. They love to see you at your best. 

They are not threatened by your intelligence or your ambition, your ability to speak your opinion and articulate your point of view. They love your initiative to do things on your own and be pro-active.

In fact, they can’t get enough these things. They know what they themselves are worth (hence empowerment), and are craving a companion with a similar depth and curiosity for life that he has.

But many women still hold on to the belief that it’s their badass qualities scare guys away. Here is where the misunderstanding lies. For in fact, there is a dark side to being an incredibly badass hyper intelligent driven woman that does send men away.

Here’s what that looks like.

You are independent. 

Men love it that you are:

Ambitious and go for what you want in life

You have your own social life

You are financially stable

How it makes him feel when this is in balance within you:

I feel like I’m free. 

I know she chooses me because she wants to be with me. Not because of what I have. 

She takes ownership of her life – I’m not solely responsible for her wellbeing.

We can support and take care of one another.

How it makes him feel when the dark side appears

I want to support her as much as she supports me – we’re in this together. She just never lets me in.

She doesn’t trust me to help her.

I don’t feel like I add much value to her life.

We sometimes use our sense of independence as a wall between us and them. A kind of protective mechanism for our hearts. Only it keeps us from love.

We know we can take care of ourselves. We tell ourselves that we can do it better.

The thing is, as humans we’re all interdependent anyway. No one person is an island. We rely on family and friends. It’s ok to get help and support from a guy. And he wants to give to you.

Yes, you can do things on your own. He knows this. And so do you. You don’t have to prove it to anyone.

Receive what he’s got to give with grace and gratitude.

You are intelligent.

Men love it that you:

Are super smart and are ace at what you do.

That you have a great mind.

That you have a quick-witted sense of humour.

How it makes him feel…

He knows that he can have an intelligent conversation with you.

He likes that you challenge him.

You are fun to be around.

How it makes him feel when the dark side appears

I just can’t connect with her.

I wonder how she really feels.

Wow, she’s really in her mind. I wonder if she can relax.

If you feel you have to dumb down the conversation then you may be mis-reading this guy’s ability to follow you. Keep an open mind and see what comes from further conversation.

People express intelligence in different ways. Give this guy a chance to show how his mind works. You might just learn a thing or two.

Relax into the moment and re-connect with your body. Speak from your heart as much as your head and see what happens.

You are a powerful leader.

Men love it that you:

Can take charge of challenging situations.

Own it at work and in life.

And don’t apologise for it.

How it makes him feel…

Proud of the work you are doing in the world.

Grateful that you let him be part of it.

Attracted to you - you know that you’ve ‘got it’ – and that’s so sexy

How it makes him feel when the dark side appears

There is no space for him to show how he cares. There’s no space for him to give freely. There’s no room for his voice to be heard. And that he’s in competition with you.

If there is a part of you that feels unsafe or threatened by men, then you may show up in a way that compensates for this. For example, if you find yourself talking over your date or having to constantly be right, then you may feel the need to prove your position.

This behaviour actually doesn’t come for a place of power but from fear. Fear that we’re not powerful enough. That our viewpoint is not recognised. That we are not heard.

As in all healthy conversation and communication there is balance between the two people in listening and sharing. We all want to be heard, acknowledged and understood. If there is a power dynamic at play then it is difficult for healthy communication to happen.

Create space for sharing and for listening with empathy, kindness and compassion.

Empowered men love to see you at your best. They are not threatened by your beauty or your intelligence or your ambition. 

Because they know their own worth. 

They do want to be seen, heard, appreciated and understood.

So meet them with your gifts.

And may love blossom.

Date easily in difficult times - 10 ways to find joy in dating during Covid

The double-edged sword of fear in dating during Covid is real and it’s out there. 

On the one hand there’s the fear of catching the virus if you meet too many potential partners by putting yourself in situations conducive to exactly that – like hanging out in bars. 

On the other hand there are the more familiar fears that come along with dating – like having our hearts broken (again), or of wasting our time (again), or whether there’s just something intrinsically wrong with you because no one (ever) feels right. 

So I’ve put together this list to help bring you some clarity and help you beat the Covid dating blues. 

10 ways to date more easily in difficult times: 

1. Let the sparks fly in the space created. So many people I speak to have said that they are loving the fact that Covid has brought back long-lost courtship. Get to know each other at a bit of a distance and use the 1 meter’s distance guideline, especially if masks feel super un-sexy. 

2. Be in reality with the risk factor. It’s ok to ask if your date has been around anyone with Covid recently or if they have any symptoms so you know what you are working with. The decision is then up to you to meet them or not. If you wear a mask on a date, you are protecting yourself. If your date wears a mask too, you are doubly protected. Find one you like and rock it.  

3. Magnetise. If you find yourself drawn towards your date physically, then great! There’s attraction here. Verbalise this so that they understand what is going on with you. Perhaps you’d like to come closer but are holding back because of the risk of contacting Covid. It’s important that the other person understand the distinction between holding back because of fear of the virus, or otherwise so that the other person understands where you stand – that you’re interested…and precautionary. Easier said than done, you say?

4. Words are the sexiest thing! In ordinary times you might have made a move or indicated through body language that you wanted to step closer. Now is the time to practice ‘speaking your truth’. If you establish open and honest communication channels this early on in dating a potential mate, then you are setting a strong foundation for deeper connection and even for better sex. Emotional and physical intimacy is determined by your ability to share what is going on with you. Share that you’d love to come closer. And listen with an open mind and heart what is going on with the other person. 

5. Consent is key. Connect physically when both of you feel good about it. Consent here is key so you want to check in with the other person to see how they feel about moving forward. They may not feel ready yet or in a position to accept the risk of contracting the virus. Or they may just need more time to come close to you and feel emotionally safe in doing so. Be open to hearing where your date is at. And if you’d like clarity, you can ask for it directly with questions like, ‘

6. Build resilience. Hold yourself no matter what the response is. There’s no guarantee that the person you’re on a date with will like you back. Or that you’ll like them. Or that it will work out even if there is mutual attraction. What you DO know deep down, is that you are going to be more than ok no matter what. 

7. Stay steady. Because if you stay steady in your quest to find love, that eventually it will come to you. No matter how many times it hasn’t. So when you are there on the ground on a date and it’s all happening, dig deep for this truth. Send yourself a huge love bomb. And cheer yourself on for continuing your pursuits. It will pay off. Trust me. 

8. Slow down but don’t stop. Be selective about who you meet. Hop on a few video dates before agreeing to meet in person. Enjoy the conversation and connection this brings through ‘being’ together more than ‘doing’ stuff. This can also take the edge off of a ‘first date’ as you become just familiar enough with one another to get an initial sense of how you both are.

9. Stretch into the life you loved living and do the things you love and remember from pre-C times. Museums and theatres are open. Cafés and restaurants too. It’s so easy to look for stuff to do and see only the restrictions or closures. Keep your mind focused on what IS. What there is to do even if in a modified format.  

10. Get support. And if you find that you keep on attracting the wrong kind of person despite it all, consider investing in doing some deeper work to understand what is at the bottom of it all. With this insight, you’ll be able to make the changes necessary within you to get the love you want in the outside world. This is what coaching can do for you. Send me a message and we’ll talk about how. 

How to heal from heartbreak - a 3 step body-heart-mind process

If you’ve experienced heartbreak, you are so not alone.

Heartbreak is one of the most common things that we all experience at some point or another. 

This holds true often even for those who have never been in a relationship as much as it does for those married multiple times. 

Heartbreak can even happen whilst you are deep in relationship. 

The hope we hold for love unrequited or withdrawn carries a pain that can chafe the heart enough times to send the protective barriers up that keep us feeling safe – and alone. 

The loss we feel, the grief and sadness can stay around for much longer than is healthy. It’s good to feel your emotions. Not so good to hold on to the tough ones for too long. The heaviness that fills our heart leaves no space for the joy and lightness of love. The kind that overflows. 

The kind that wants to be shared. 

Heartbreak can also sit in our minds as we play the scenes over and over again trying to make sense of it all. Where we went wrong. What we did or didn’t do. What was going on with the other person. This infinite loop locks us in the past leaving no possibility for us to be present here and now so that we can live a new and different future. 

Step 1: Free your physical body – let it out 

This may not seem obvious at first, but heartbreak sits not only in the ache around your heart. It can show up in other parts of you as well.  

Feel into your body and notice what sensations come up when you recall the person or situation that broke your heart. 

For example many women often feel an ache in their womb when they really tune in to their bodies. 

Others will realise that that tightness in their belly or clenching of their shoulders shows up. 

Whatever it is, you’ll want to encourage the sensation to loosen and move out of your body. 

Some ways to facilitate this are:  

• Shake it off - from the tips of your fingers down to your toes shake your whole body

• Dance it off - crank up the tunes!

• Sound it out - give the sensation a voice and let it out

Whatever it takes to get the yuck out. 

Give yourself 5-10 minutes for this. 

Step 2: Next move on to your heart – allow yourself to feel

Allow yourself to feel the emotions of it all, whatever it is that comes up for you. 

This could be deep sadness and grief, a sense of loss and of course hurt. 

Sometimes the feelings of intense pain or hurt carry a physical quality to them. Let the emotion move through your body and out. 

Give yourself 5-10 minutes for this. 

Whilst it’s important to feel your emotions to heal, you don’t want to stay here for too long as it can then become counter-productive. 

Step 3: Clear your mind

If you find yourself analysing and over-analysing the situation or person or yourself, then try this. 

Take 2 sheets of paper.

On one paper write down all the good stuff from your experience. 

Fill it with lessons learned and wisdom gained. 

This you’ll be taking forward with you in your journey to new love. 

On the 2nd sheet of paper write down all the nasty stuff. Everything that you want to leave behind. All the mess and anything that felt harmful – and not in a learning kind of way. 

Burn the paper or rip it up and toss it out. 

Fill up with fresh, clean energy

You will have created space in your body, heart and mind at this point. 

Fill that space with light and love. You can do this through a heart-based meditation. Or simply by imagining a beautiful pearl of love-filled light at the centre of your chest expanding out into all the spaces that you’ve created. 

Another way is to spend time with friends and family where you feel the love and soak it all in from them. Love feeds love. All kinds. 

Come back to wholeness

And finally, call back into you any parts of you that you feel might have been left behind. Welcome yourself back. 

Do this process as many times as it takes until you feel complete, whole and new. 

And remember, healing heartbreak can take time. Be gentle and go easy. 

Dating – the long game. How to keep it fresh when you’ve had enough

Pretty much everything in this world has seasons. 

And cycles. Even dating.

And thank goodness. 

There will be times when you have lots of dates with prospects that have potential and that line up easily. 

And other times when things seem to slow down. 

Despite the effort you put in. 

The key is to go with the flow. 

You actually don’t have to be out there all of the time dating like mad.

It’s actually good to take a pause from dating. 

Especially if you hit dating fatigue. 

Recognise and Maximise the Dating Seasons

Spring: 

You feel excited by the prospect of meeting new people. 

Whether in person or online. Doesn’t matter. You are open!  

What to do: 

Take fresh photos. Update your digital presence. Your WhatsApp thumbnail to your online profile. Keep it real. And current.

Shift your profile to reflect a new you. We’re constantly changing and evolving. Review the words you use to describe yourself. Are you accurately and authentically represented? 

Flirt. With everyone and everything.

Summer: 

Let the dates flow. Say yes easily when it feels right. 

Keep a gentle hold – feel positive about the good dates and release as much as possible from a desired or expected outcome. 

What to do: 

Dress the part for each date – for yourself. Your joy. Your happiness. Be the person you’d want to fall in love with – inside and out. Show up as you, fully you.

Fill up. Appreciate and be grateful for each experience for what it gives.  

Autumn: 

Let go of that which wants clearing. Clean the space in your body, mind + soul. Know that whatever you’ve experienced is getting you closer to where you want to be. 

What to do: 

End any beginnings that don’t feel as if they are moving forward. Or moving in the direction that you’d like them to move in. Be honest and upfront. Speak your truth. 

Trust the process (dating is a process). Keep the faith. 

Winter: 

Be quiet. Go inward. Explore your inner world. Notice what feels most nourishing and healthy for you.  

What to do: 

Nothing. Or next to nothing. Rest and recover. Spend time alone. Or with good friends. Or family.

Ground yourself.

Get off the dating rollercoaster and set yourself on cruise control

We’re deep into winter now. ❄ And deep into dating season. 

And if you are deep into the dating season you are probably feeling the ups and downs of good dates, bad dates .. no dates.. and everything in between. 🎢

It all feels wobbly and uncertain, like the ground moving under your feet. 

And you start to doubt yourself – whether you’ll ever find anyone, whether you can face another disappointment, whether it’s maybe your wardrobe or the way you wear your hair…💇‍♀

You just want dating to feel easy. Dare you hope for fun? And that one of these times it actually turns into something that feels a bit more real. And good. And right. 

And just for you.

So I’m going to ask that you get off that roller coaster for good.

Come back around again...back to YOURSELF. 

Yep, that person in there that maybe you’ve lost touch with as you try to schedule a million dates – hey it’s a numbers game, right? ➕➖➗

The sparkly version of you that’s dulled herself down because she’s not sure that being herself is really getting her anywhere. 

And who has told herself that she doesn’t care that much anymore anyway so that the pain of another bad date isn’t quite so acute. 

I’m asking you to come back around to yourself again because it’s essential. To dating. And in life. 

It’s how you set yourself on cruise control so that you are steady and calm no matter what happens on a date (or when you’re on a dating hiatus). 

On cruise control, dating becomes a no-brainer.  

Because YOU are the steadiness. YOU are the deep peace and calm. 😌

So no matter what happens, you are good. And you’ve learned. 

And when you are connected to all parts of yourself deeply, you are truly free. Free to flirt, to have fun, to show the sparkles...and that’s what draws in love.  

The love that you are. AND the sexiness. AND the sensuality. 

In this video I talk about 4 ways to get back to yourself and off the roller coaster:

1. How + why to stay in your body when you are on a date

2. Avoid mirroring the other person until all parts of you (pussy, heart, mind) are on board

3. Come back to your centre after the date

4. Know yourself intimately and love her - this is what makes you MAGNETIC

I explain each of these magic tools in detail so that you are sooooo attractive to someone that they can’t resist you.

How to get more message responses from women online

There’s nothing worse than sending out message after message to women online – some who actually look great – only to get back…well, next to nothing. 

You try various approaches from messages straight from the heart, to a copy and paste-er you found somewhere online that worked well for sooooo many guys out there – just not you. 

You go and tell yourself all women on dating apps suck. 

Or worse yet, that it must be you. 

Well, neither of those stories is actually true. 

The fact of the matter is that messaging via online apps is something of an art form. 

One that can be learned and leveraged to get you

• More responses

• Faster

• For fun dates with quality women that you’ve actually got a connection with

Here’s how. 

In any good, healthy conversation there is balance.  

The quality of the exchange is based on each person’s ability to both 

• share authentically and meaningfully

• and feel seen and heard

It’s a 50/50 balance that’s established from the first few messages with someone. 

Here’s how to establish and maintain this balance

So that you can go from right swipe to first and then second date more quickly and easily than before. 

And actually enjoy the flow. 

Messaging stage 1 : Quality connection > Build rapport

Authenticity is key right from the start. 

In order for you to ‘share authentically and meaningfully’, you’ve got to genuinely be interested in the person. 

Women I speak with constantly complain that the first message…and 2nd…and 3rd..that they get from guys they definitely DO NOT respond to online are ones that go like this: 

Hey, how are you? Looks like you’re into some cool stuff. 

It feels copy / paste, totally generic, and meaningless.  She feels like just another number.And your message gets ignored.  

You want to bring value to the conversation in the very first message so she feels seen and heard by you. 

SO 

You want to read her profile, even if it’s brief. 

Why? 

Because if you just flash through her photos, you risk making snap judgements about what you see and end up writing a boring, bland message like the ones above. 

You don’t have to overanalyse what you find. 

After all, you’ve only just come across this woman and we’re not there yet for that level of investment from you. 

What you’re looking for is: 

• Something she’s included that you’re genuinely curious about

• A common passion or subject area of interest

• A quality of hers that you appreciate and can call out 

Notice that in all three cases, something about her has truly caught your eye. You really do want to know more. 

Now you are you are perfectly placed to send the first message. 

Sample message: 

I see you’ve been to Mexico. Amazing. I’ve always wanted to go there. 

What did you love about it? 

Pro tip:

Ending messages with questions prompts a response from the other person and makes it easier for them to think of a reply.

Average number of messages exchanged in this phase: 

3-4

Messaging stage 2 : Stay light + laser focused on the outcome > Ask her out 

Intentional messaging is sending light, conversational messages that are focused on an outcome –asking her out on a date that’s fun for the both of you. 

In the next few messaging exchanges, keep a gentle focus on an actual date so that the chances of you actually meeting up are greater. 

Suggest activities or places you could meet that are in sync with her interests. 

In the post-Covid era we find ourselves in, it is not uncommon to ask a woman onto a video chat prior to meeting her in the ‘real world’. 

This helps to avoid the endless back and forth that used to happen in the online dating world. Hurrah Covid! We’ll take the small wins.  

If you decide to take this route, have in mind ideas for a few dates that speak to her interests – and yours. 

In this day and age, even modern women like men to take the lead. 

This is not a hard and fast rule – there are plenty of women who will ask you out.

But by inviting her out after a few message exchanges to places that you know she’d love you show her: 

• your level of interest

• your fun and creative side

• your confidence and willingness to follow words with action

So when it feels right, go for it. 

Sample message: 

‘Hey, are you free next week to meet up? I saw that the Mexican place down the road just opened up again. Based on what you told me about the great food you had in Mexico, I think you’d enjoy it. Would you like that?’

Pro Tip:

Don’t wait too long to ask her out. Take the risk if you like her. Breadcrumbing is a real thing, and women will become wary of you if you hesitate because you feel shy or your confidence drops.

Take a deep breath (or 10!!), relax into your body, and tap ‘send’.

Pro Tip:

If you hop on a video chat and are not interested in taking it further, thank her for her time and gracefully end the connection. 

Sample share: 

‘It’s been great connecting with you, however I don’t feel there’s enough of a connection from my side to take it further.’

Average number of messages exchanged in this phase: 

3-4

And that leads me to the final stage…

Messaging stage 3 : Invest further + stay genuine > Ask her out again

At this point if you’ve been on a date or a video chat, you may have gotten her phone number. 

If not and you’d like to continue seeing her, go ahead and ask her for it. 

If you enjoyed the first date and would like a second, don’t hesitate to let her know. 

The length of time in-between a first and second date varies considerably from person to person and there are no hard or fast rules. 

What you do want is to maintain the connection you’ve created. Video chats and messaging in between dates supports this. However nothing can replace that in-person connection. 

So when it feels good to you, ask her out again. 

Pro Tip:

If you’re not sure how much you like her yet, it’s absolutely ok to take your time in getting to know her. If she asks, be sincere and genuine about what you are experiencing. Stay in your truth. It’s the foundation of all relationships. So if you want to give this one a chance, stay in radical honesty and share what you are feeling. 

The quality of the responses you get from a woman will help you determine her level of interest. When you use the formula above, you create meaningful connection with another. And gauging her response will tell you whether it’s worth your time and effort to take it further.  

Remember, conversations, even simple sincere early-dating ones, are a 2 way street – ‘It takes to to tango’ as they say. 

Continue honing your messaging skills to set the stage for meaningful connection [ Stage 1 ], stay gently focused on the outcome (a date) [ Stage 2 ] and maintain authentic communication [ Stage 3 ] and you are well one your way to online dating success.   

3 signs she’s just not ‘emotionally available’

Guys are often charged with the accusation of not being ‘emotionally available’.

That you are not able or ready to share your deep, rich emotional world with women – or anyone for that matter. 

The same can be said however, for many women. 

Not all women are willing to open their hearts and bear all to anyone who comes forward – even if (and sometimes ESPECIALLY if) that person is a man whom we fancy. 

So how can you tell in early stage dating, that she’s actually ready for the deeper connection you crave and that gives meaning to intimate relationships?

Here are 3 things to watch out for:

Deep talk vs cheap talk 

You talk for hours and hours about all of the ‘things’ happening in her life. The people she meets, the activities she does, the world around her. 

BUT she never go deep into what’s really going on within. You know facts and figures. The people and places. 

You don’t know how she feels about it all or what it all means to her. 

This after several very long conversations.   

It’s all about you. 

She lets you go on and on about you. It’s flattering at first. She seems very curious to learn about you. So you open up. About the small stuff…how you love to cycle, your boat, your favourite albums. And about the big stuff…how you were bullied when you were little and it hurt, how your brother is your best friend, the things that give your life a sense of purpose. 

And after the patter of your voice dissipates, she fires another question at you and off you go again. 

BUT she reciprocates with short answers to your questions about her and deflects them back to you. 

You realise that once again, she gives away very little about her inner world. 

She doesn’t walk the walk.

She has an active social life with friends and family and does lots of activities. You’re glad that she’s got an independent spirit and life of her own

BUT there’s very little space for you in it. She keeps putting off dates. And it feels like your two universes never quite eclipse. 

You get the sense that there’s an invisible wall up – it’s there even if you can’t see it.  

I’ll be frank with you – a shortage of time isn’t the issue. We make time for things we care about and are invested in. So whilst a part of her wants to be in a relationship, another part of her isn’t quite there yet – and it likely has nothing to do with you. 

Pursuing a woman feels challenging and fun for some. However you do not have to convince or cajole someone into spending time with you. Check in on how much you are giving –  and whether she’s truly ready to receive  graciously the gift of your time and attention. 

Deep connection – the kind you crave not just in your relationship but in sex too – begins with each person’s ability to be vulnerable with one another. 

And whilst trust-building is something that takes time, some women need to do the deeper level work on themselves before any bridges you create to build this trust can be crossed.

Journaling: A simple powerful tool to build confidence in dating and relationships

Journaling is a great way to work through the tough stuff and really know yourself. 

And really knowing yourself (and loving yourself for being YOU), is what actually builds your confidence from the inside out so that when you are on dates or in a relationship you feel grounded and confident no matter what happens.

Knowing and loving the parts of you that you’ve pushed into the shadows, the parts of you that you’ve been ashamed of, that you’ve feared being, the parts that feel like they are not worthy of love is especially powerful.

Acknowledging and accepting these parts of you allows you to stand in your full power. To show up as your fullest self.

And to open your heart and mind fully to another person – feel safe in doing so. There’s nothing to hide.

So if you want a deep, connected relationship, let’s get you started writing.

What you need

A journal or notebook. It doesn’t have to be fancy.

Your favourite pen / pencil.

A daily practice of writing. This can be anywhere from a few minutes of free form writing (whatever comes to mind). Or a more structured practice like the one I share below.

Get started - Journaling the Shadow

Shadow work (getting to know the parts of ourselves that we tend to push back into the shadows of our mind and hearts) is a fantastic way to create more compassion for ourselves. Here’s a way into shadow work through journaling.

Step 1: Write down 3 things you'd hate to be accused of

For example, many men are afraid of being accused of being selfish, mean, a bully, weak, or a pushover.

Step 2: Write down a time when you actually were this way and what resulted from it.

I was very selfish in my last relationship and it made me feel alone. My partner eventually left me.

Step 3: And another time when it served you

I was selfish when I decided to stay home from a family gathering because it would have been too stressful. I'm glad I stayed home because it was what I really needed. 

Step 4: Own this part of you fully

Say out loud – I am a selfish man. Feel it in your body. Know that it's only a part of you – a part that sometimes serves you. And so it is welcome and necessary – when the time is right.

Still not convinced? Hear me out.

I remember when I first met Naz. 

I was late for our first date – a picnic in the park.

It was a bright sunny day outside and we sat for hours chatting and munching on small bites as the clouds shifted quickly across the deep blue sky. 

Naz shared with me not only the good parts of his life – where he’s travelled to, the friends he has – but also the challenging stuff. The things that hurt and were hard. 

We went deep. 

It was only afterwards that Naz told me that he doesn’t normally share the tough stuff with people he’s just met. 

Or with anyone for that matter. 

When you accept all parts of you, exactly as you are, that’s when the magic happens. 

Naz felt confident enough in himself that day to open up and reveal parts of him and his life that showed me the man he was. 

The guy I fell in love with. 

Was he perfectly 100% confident in all ways? Nope. 
Was it enough? 
Yep. 

It was.

Learn about my bespoke men’s coaching programme and apply to work with me on building your confidence from the inside out.

What C-suite execs need to know about keeping what's private private as dating and intimacy move further into cyberspace

‘Make sure that you use a pseudonym on all documents you share with me.’

When you’re a relationships coach for C-suite leaders at high-profile tech companies, privacy and security are of extreme concern. And when the subject of conversation is intimacy, even more so.

‘Like Albert Einstein or something. Yeah, call me Albert Einstein,’ he insisted. 

And so it was. 

Dating has moved into cyberspace – the lockdown commands online connection as a first port-of-call in getting to know someone. And increasingly, as a 2nd and 3rd and 4th as the weeks in ‘isolation’ roll by.

Zoom dates are the new norm. And as things heat up, intimacy moves online as well. 

Sexting is the new language of love. And video dates become more and more steamy over time.

I’ve pulled together this guide to protect your privacy online. 

So you don’t have to call yourself Albert…unless you really want to.

Safe sexy Zoom room for your date

How to stay safe and secure on a Zoom date so you can relax and enjoy it. 

Be the one to host the Zoom meeting and...

• Use a plain wall or Virtual Background to protect anonymity

• Chat Auto-Saving Off

• Keep updating the Zoom app whenever you can for the latest security updates

• Never use our personal meeting ID, instead allow Zoom to create a random number for each meeting

• Require a meeting password

  • And we check the sharing link to be sure it doesn’t contain it if posting publicly

  • “Copy Invitation” functionality might include your meeting password

  • We look out for an unusually long URL with a question mark in it, which indicates it includes our meeting password.

• Never ever use your Facebook sign-in 

• Do not share the link or the meeting ID on public platforms

• Set screen sharing to "host only"

• Disable file transfer

• Disable "join before host"

• Disable "allow removed participants to rejoin"

  “Attention Tracking” Off 

  Further reading: https://sextechguide.com/privacy/zoom-bedroom-safe-secure-privacy/

  Recommendations from the Electronic Frontier Foundation (EFF.org)

Sexting privacy: 

What to look out for: Secure = strong end-to-end encryption 

No one can see what you share during a call. 

If someone intercepted your messages, or found them on a server somewhere, they would see gibberish, not the actual text of a conversation. 

Signal 

Most Secure Overall 

1:1 Video + Messaging platform

Signal is also open-source, peer-reviewed, and routinely audited, which means it’s pretty much always up to date from a security standpoint.

Consider other platforms

These other platforms for video / chatting are also secure. 

Zoom has had privacy challenges in the past so do your homework and go with what feels best to you.

Read more about the options below here: 

https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2020/apr/08/zoom-privacy-video-chat-alternatives#maincontent

Jitsi Meet

Secure video platform for online meetings

Skype 

Secure video + chat capability

Facetime

Secure video + chat capability

Long live online love!

Starting a relationship in the era of Covid-19 is possible. Here’s how.

Ok so I’ll admit it, whilst I’m not a huge proponent of online dating I did meet my current partner on Tinder. 

And for many others in long-distance relationships, cultivating a new relationship over the digi-sphere is nothing new. 

So whilst I encourage people to meet in person quite quickly after they meet online, this strategy has shifted considering the environment that we live in. 

And since we don’t really know how long we’ll be living in partial or full lockdown, I wanted to prepare you for whatever comes.

Here’s how to date in the era of Corvid-19:

1. Make tech your friend. Go online, but not obsessively.

Update your profile if you have a dusty one. Or create a new one if you’ve never had one to begin with. 

You are aiming for maximum authenticity in your profile. A true representation of you. It’s difficult to be objective about ourselves so run your online persona by a friend or two who aren’t afraid to be honest and ask if they feel it’s an accurate representation of who you are. 

Don’t spend more than 7-10 minutes a day (!!) on the app. And once you’ve swiped right on 9 people, halt the motion and work with those 9 humans. 

More tips on how to best play the dating apps from dating expert Nichi Hodgson.

2. Cyberspace is the place to be

Should you meet in person?

No!

Even if your potentially soon-to-be sexual partner shows no symptoms, they could be a carrier of coronavirus. This is NOT a sexy ‘how we first met’ story for the grandkids. It’s just not. 

Fortunately we have the tech to help bridge the gap between the static 2D photo of us online and our living breathing 3D selves. Skype, Zoom, WhatsApp…the options are there.

Ok so meeting in a video conference isn’t exactly the 3rd dimension but it’s close enough for now. 

Whilst you won’t get the potentially intoxicating hit of someone’s scent or feel the temperature of their touch, you’ll get lots more info than if you are simply texting or speaking on the phone. 

3. How long do you wait before hopping from text to video? 

Same rule applies here as they did in a corona free world – the sooner the better. 

You can get a pretty good sense of someone from meeting them via video. 

Just keep in mind this is still not the full picture. Some people are actually quite different in ‘real life’ than they are even ‘on camera’. 

And it takes quite some time to really get to know someone well enough to qualify them as relationship material. 

4. How do I show up strong on a virtual date?  

I recommend following all the ‘in person’ etiquette you normally would: 

• Be on time

• Dress the part

• Be fully present

Set aside the time separate from work. No sneaky dates in between WFH meetings.

Take time to switch from ‘work mode’ to ‘date mode’.You don’t want to bring your badass boss attitude to date time…unless that’s your thing.

Change your clothes, preen. Present yourself as you would on a date.  Be ready to engage fully with the person on the other end of the line.

If you do decide to buck social distance protocol and meet in person (not recommended), be safe – meet in a populated public space like a park in daytime. Let someone know where you’ve gone. And until you reach a high level of trust and safety, don’t meet at each other’s homes. 

5. What to do on the first few dates

Again, this follows ‘real world’ considerations: 

Make the first few dates short ones. Have a virtual coffee together. Or a virtual vino. Though keep in mind alcohol compromises the immune system so you might want to skip the bubbly. 

Gradually up the time you spend together over time. Long-distance relationship pros often decide on an activity that connects them such as low commitment games like Words With Friends. 

You can then work up to candle lit dinners.

Watching Netflix together is also good. Ok it’s minus the cuddles, but those will come soon enough. More on bridging the physical intimacy gap later in this article. 

Whatever you decide to do together, communication is key. To maintain the connection though, you have to be vulnerable.

Being vulnerable means sharing your emotional world with another in an open and honest way. It involves a bit of risk taking. And discernment as you decide whether you are ready to trust another with the landscape of your inner world. And if they are ready to receive it. 

Read more about how to be vulnerable here.

Vulnerability fosters emotional intimacy and even mental intimacy.

But what about the physical stuff?

6. When is the right time to ‘go all the way’? 

As things heat up between the two of you, physical intimacy may come into the picture. But how, you ask?  And when’s the right time for that? 

We don’t talk about sex enough – with our long-term partners, with our friends – never mind with our dates. 

So I see this period as an exceptional opportunity to establish open communication around what you like, what you don’t like, and how you want it. 

In fact, communication is SO key to having better sex, that this could be the beginning of the best sex you’ve ever had simply because you have set a precedent that talking about what you want is ok.

Getting comfortable with talking about your desires and listening to your partner’s as well can be a challenge. 

It involves letting go of the shame that we’ve learned to associate with sex. 

It also demands a high level of trust. You don’t want to share anything that you are not ready to, not even verbally. Know your boundaries and respect them. You don’t have to be with someone physically to feel violated. 

If it’s just not feeling right, then get out fast. Slam that laptop shut. 

The ‘right’ time is when you both feel ready to up-level on intimacy. We can take a leaf out of the book of long-distance lovers who recommend starting slowly with sexting on WhatsApp (more secure than messaging) and working from there.  

And as in the ‘real world’ make sure you are taking care of yourself through a healthy self-pleasure practice. 

It’s beneficial to let this become habit as healthy sex, whether solo or with someone, boosts the immune system (key right now), allows for emotional expression and improves mental health. 

It takes the pressure off of our unrealistic expectation that our partner should want the same amount of sex that we do at the same time. As if! 

Make sure you’re getting a regular dosage of nourishing solo sex – it’s one of the best things you can do for yourself – and your sex life. 

You don’t have to wait for the coronavirus to pass before moving forward with your personal life. You can do the ground work now to prepare you for the partnership of a lifetime. 

Email me here to sign up for a free 15 minute clarity call: andrea@lushcoaching.com

3 simple ways to find love faster

If you're anything like I was, you're sick and tired of the endless dating cycle by now. 
You'd give anything to make the process of finding love (or as I see it, creating love), faster. 

You may have already fallen in love once or twice before in your lifetime (and if you haven't yet...don't worry – you are not alone). 

So you don't need me to tell you that falling in love is an incredible process of expansion. 

You feel yourself grow almost physically larger than life. Your heart explodes outwards. 
You see the world differently. 

As we get to know another, we see the world – our world – and ourselves through their eyes.

So really falling in love is an expansion into YOU.
You discover more about who YOU are. And fall in love with yourself as much as with another person.

And this is an incredible experience.

Oooo .. wait.. I can hear you now…

“But Andrea, how is this insight going to help me now? I’m single! 
I need to find my person first before I can benefit from this expansion business.”

Bullsh*t, I say. 

Not only can you experience the expansive amazingness of falling in love NOW
But it’s going to help you bring the person that’s going to invite you to know yourself more quickly into your life.  

Here are 3 simple ways that you can begin the process of falling in love NOW and attract in someone who’ll join the ride with you:

1. Fill your own gaps - are you looking for someone good with money because you suck with money? Let me tell you this, people good with money do their best to AVOID those who are not good with it. Looking for an artist type to help you realise your creative side? GET IN THE DRAWING STUDIO and see who you meet when you’re there. Filling the gaps feeds off of the misdirected belief that someone else should ‘complete’ us. Yes, there is a lot to learn from another in relationship, but expecting that other person to fill you up is draining. Learn to feed your own needs and desires in life so you are free to love the other person for who they are – not just what they bring to the relationship. That’s a ‘what can I get from this’ mentality and it doesn’t make for a healthy relationship.

2. Fall in love with your ‘faults’ - Do you look round you only to see people in the world who are non-committal? Or who don’t lack inspiration? Now turn the gaze upon yourself. Is there some part of you that’s afraid of commitment? Or that feels bored by life? THAT’S what wants loving. And some attention. Once you give these parts of you some TLC, then you’ll begin to notice, through inspired eyes, that there’s more out there (and in people) that you’d first seen.

3. Love who you are NOW. What parts of you or qualities in you light your own fire. Add some fuel to that flame and let yourself shine!!! This is a surefire way to attract more of what you already love into your life.

You’ve got this.

Turn up the volume on lovin’ yourself and filling you with what you need, and the world (of lovely available people), becomes your oyster.

Katie Phillips on Learning to be Intimate

Katie shares how she drew love in by learning how to love men – and herself.

Wisdom comes in so many forms.

This time it’s shaped in the form of Katie Phillips, transformational coach, self-love expert + author.

Katie is incredible to learn from. One of the best in fact, as she’s internalised now embodies what she’s experienced in love and relationships – the challenges that life has offered her…

To get to know herself better
To learn how to love men rather than hate them 😈
And be intimate with both herself AND THEN with men

So that she could finally receive love
And live it fully.

She is indeed, Daring & Mighty.

I’ve invited Katie to speak with us about her journey and how she’s sharing her wisdom – and that of other women – in a series of very special dinner gatherings for the Daring & Mighty.

Dating + Love after Divorce

I used to think that people who were divorced had an advantage on me – at least they had managed to get married ONCE (sometimes even 2 or 3 times, somehow lapping me!!). 

Now I know that those of us who have been single for most of our lives and those coming out of divorce share a few things in common. 

One is a sense of not really knowing ourselves fully.

We feel as if we’ve lost ourselves somewhere along the way. 

Those in marriage giving too much of themselves or thinking always of others. 

And us singles who get enveloped by work or busy-ness.

And we don’t really know where to start to get back to centre. 

To re-find…or find for the first time parts of ourselves 

That have yet to be discovered.

We feel lost.

And lonely. 
And alone. 
And have no idea how to crawl out of that place. 

If you’ve never really been in a relationship your entire adult life – regardless of the fact that you have a lot of incredibleness to share with someon
You feel like you’ve got no experience to fall back on. 

No points of reference. 

No, well when that worked out it was because of this…

And if you HAVE been in  relationship and it’s fallen apart

And that relationship was called ‘marriage’

Which was supposed to be forever

You want to do everything in your power not to repeat what just happened. 

And you feel like you have no idea how to do that.

And what if you mess it up again.

In both cases you feel like you are learning from ‘ground zero’ as my friend and colleague Andrea Tan shares with me.
You have no idea where to start. 😳

The truth is, whether you’ve never been loved or have loved and lost, the first steps forward are knowing yourself from the inside out. 
Getting back in touch with centre – with who you are at your core. 

A kind of remembering. Or getting to know. 

So that you can feel whole and full and alive and confident and sure of yourself. 

And from this place of fullness love outwardly

So that what comes back at you is a person who has done that journey too. 

And together you create something totally new. ✨

Not based on too little or too much past experience

But on what you are NOW. 

And that is a you that is powerful and beautiful and already full.

Here’s where Andrea recommends you start by SLOWING DOWN and feeling your way thru. Even tho slowing down to feel is the last thing you might want to do as you go through divorce.

Here’s a 3 step process to help get you through:

1. Express fully your Rage + Sorrow - You carry lots of emotional weight after divorce. Get it out! So you don’t carry it with you to the next relationship. Punch pillows for 20-30 mins. Set a timer so you don’t go over that limit + get stuck in the hole of those emotions. Do this over a number of days, weeks, months until it’s all out.

2. Learn what you like - Go on dates with yourself. Have each date be themed by one of the 5 senses - eg. a date on taste would be trying different restaurants / foods you like. This process helps in remembering or knowing for the first time, what makes you uniquely YOU.

3. Create a vision board or statement - of the person you would like to be in your next relationship + how you would like that relationship, and life, to be. This is so that you can stay focused on who you want to be as you go through the divorce. It keeps you from falling back into old ways of being that were not supportive of you being your fullest self. It prevents you from attracting the same type of person that you’ve just left behind back into your life.

Are you asking for too much from someone?

>--> Core values are fundamental

Don't let them slide! Rather, soften around them. 

To determine what your core values in relationship are ask yourself: 

- What moments in my life have fulfilled me + felt meaningful? 

- When do I feel most like myself

- In the times I've felt down, what has been missing?

My core values are: 

Honesty

Open communication

Accountability + Responsibility

Money mindset compatibility

Sense of adventure / curiosity 

>-->Combat perfectionism

Ask yourself:

What do I wish others would see in me? 

What do I wish I had a gentle teacher for? 

Looking inward, we notice that we are not perfect either. 
And that some things take time to uncover. 

And that this may be the buried treasure you've yet to discover in the other.