How to talk about sex in early stage dating

The biggest mistake I see people make (and that I made myself) when it comes to dating, is avoiding the very conversation that could lead to deeper, more meaningful connection, better sex in the short and long run, and fewer regrets overall.

And that conversation is quite simply: Talking about sex

I get it, talking about getting it on in the bedroom (or any other room for that matter) can feel awkward, clinical, or even risky. 

“But Andrea, what if I scare them off? What if they think I’m “too much”? Aren’t I being too much? It feels like too much”, I hear you say in worried tones. 

But here’s the truth: The relationships that thrive are the ones where people dare to have these conversations anyway. And early on.

And here’s what happens when we avoid these talks:

• We end up with misaligned expectations (one person wants casual sex and an easy, open relationship whilst in the early dating stage, the other wants more commitment and monogamy – from the start).

• We fake enjoyment and pretend readiness or suppress our need to take things more slowly – just to keep the peace.

• We miss out on the chance to build real intimacy—the kind that comes from being seen and heard, understood and acknowledged, and respected and accepted for who we are and where we’re at.

That last one is a big one. A true game changer. 

What to Do Instead

Talk About Sex Before You Have It

Waiting until you’re already in bed to discuss boundaries or STI status is like waiting until you’re on the plane to ask if the pilot is licensed. 

And de-couple talking about sex (not necessarily a sexy conversation and it doesn’t have to be), to actually having it when you’re both ready (very sexy). 

Discuss sex in a low-pressure setting, like at lunch or over afternoon coffee. Try: “I really love how open we’ve been so far. It would be great if we could open up a conversation about having sex when we’re both ready. How do you feel about that?”

Normalize the Awkwardness

Awkwardness isn’t a sign that something’s wrong—it’s a sign you’re being human. Lean into it with humor or vulnerability: “Okay, this might feel a little awkward, it certainly does to me, but it’s important to me. So I’d rather be awkward now than uncomfortable later.”

Prioritize Compatibility Over Chemistry

Chemistry is the spark, but compatibility is the fuel. Ask questions early on, like: “I’d love to learn more about you. What’s something you’ve learned about yourself from past relationships when it comes to sex or intimacy?”

Silence isn’t consent, and it isn’t communication. During and after sex, ask: “How does this feel for you?” or “Is there anything you’d want more or less of?”

Reject the “Cool Girl/Cool Guy” Myth

Stop pretending to be “chill” or “low-maintenance” about sex. Give yourself permission to have preferences—and to voice them.

Recovering people pleasers out there, this one is for us especially. 

Why This Matters for You

At this stage in life, many of us are done with games, guesswork, and settling. We want relationships that feel authentic, passionate, and aligned. That starts with having the courage to speak up—about what we want, what we don’t, and what we need to feel safe and satisfied.

Sexual communication isn’t a test—it’s a skill. And like any skill, it gets easier with practice.

You don’t have to be perfect at it, you just have to do it.

Wax on. Wax off.

If you still struggle with talking about sex, let’s have a conversation about how I can help.