Relationships like all things, are cyclical and in constant flux. Sometimes the cycles feel harmonious. And at times turbulent or out of balance.
Even the most healthy of relationships experience ups and downs throughout their evolution.
What makes the difference between relationships that ‘make it’ and last over time, has everything to do with how the 2 (or more) people in the relationship relate – not only to the other person, but also to themselves.
As you become more aware of your own internal world and learn how to navigate it, you develop a better chance at creating and staying in a relationship that will feel amazing to experience – despite the challenges that arise.
So know that if you are single, even if for a very very long time, you do not have to feel that you are standing in place when it comes to your intimate life.
Here is a list 5 of the key qualities that a healthy relationship has. And practical ways to develop the skills and wisdom to BE in relationship long before it even happens.
1. Remember that you are with a human
Humans:
Make mistakes
Are imperfect and
Act offensively
Especially when something sets them off (aka they get ‘triggered’). And then that person oversteps your boundaries.
You know it’s healthy when:
Someone’s triggered, offends you and you can manage it without too much stress because
It happens only occasionally and is not accepted as the norm
You know your own ‘bottom line’.
Anything beyond this and your self-esteem and identity take a hit. If that happens then you’d want to and perhaps decide to leave the relationship versus experience it.
How to practice this when you’re single:
Notice when you get triggered with family and friends.
Understand when they go too far and ask yourself why you got so upset by their behaviour. What about the interaction set you off?
Learn how to take care of yourself and come back into balance.
2. Each partner takes responsibility for themselves
Self-esteem
You hold yourself high, especially during conflict. You understand your worth and your power. You don’t expect your partner to recognize this for you or to hold you up.
You know it’s healthy when:
you show up, pay attention and tell the truth
you can let go of attachment to the outcome
How to practice this when you’re single:
Again this is a great one to practice with your closest relationships – family and friends. Notice when you feel you always have to be right. How can you increase your sense of worthiness and empower yourself so that you no longer seek validation or backing from those around you.
Boundaries / Self-protection
You are responsible for knowing what is right for you.
And you know what feels like a transgression.
You both can be good listeners and can stay with what’s being said. Because you know you can keep yourself safe. And let the other person know that they’ve overstepped.
You know it’s healthy when:
You can ask for what you need and want and don’t expect the other to mind read – remember, they’re human!
You don’t hide your own reality from your partner.
How to practice this when you’re single:
Is your ‘No’ as strong as your ‘Yes’ in life. Begin to notice when it’s a ‘hell yes’ for you or a ‘hell no’. And voice your opinion or decision with confidence. You can do this in a small way to start. For example if someone asks you to lunch and suggests a restaurant that you’ve been to a million times, instead of just agreeing, suggest a place that you’d really like to go to instead.
Don’t be afraid to do so without excuses asking permission.
Communication
Each person is responsible for sharing their own physical, intellectual, emotional and spiritual reality.
You know it’s healthy when:
Learn to express your reality in moderation (minus the drama).
You don’t expect the other person to mindread or to tolerate the drama.
How to practice this when you’re single:
Share with those around you in clear simple language what you are feeling and experiencing so that you feel heard and understood. Own your own experience. Take some time on your own to investigate why you may have responded in the way you did before responding to the situation.
Asking for support
You each know your needs and wants and can get them met outside of the relationship when your partner is unable to support you.
You are willing to support the other person as often as possible without doing their ‘work’ for them or sacrificing your own self-care. It’s not one-sided.
You know it’s healthy when:
You cultivate other support (friends, family community) that you can lean on when your partner’s response for support needs to be a ‘no’.
You can take care of yourself vs getting angry at / punishing the other for not taking care of you
How to practice this when you’re single:
Recognize that no one person can give you everything and continue to cultivate relationships that you have currently in your life. And continue to do the work on yourself to build an inner world that is resilient to life’s challenges.
3. You can solution for life’s challenges together
As a team, you can focus solutioning without shaming or blaming the other (eg, If only you’d have...How could you have been so thoughtless?). When the problem presents itself, focus on finding a way forward.
You know it’s healthy when:
You both take responsibility for doing what you’ve agreed to do to resolve the problem.
Neither of you has to be right or wrong – you choose ‘us’ over ‘me’
How to practice this when you’re single:
Consider where in your life you function as part of a team. How does this attitude of ‘we’re all in it together’ manifest? Or does it? Consider how you might foster more of a sense of collaboration and solutioning together. And how each person might be accountable for their part.
4. Compromise doesn’t feel so bad
When you have enough self-value, are self-empowered and feel abundant you can let go of needing to get your way all the time.
You don’t need to manipulate, control or force your partner into being a certain way so you can be comfortable. You stay comfortable by focusing on taking care of yourself.
Note: Value = power = abundance
When you value yourself, you empower yourself.
Your sense of being able to take care of yourself increases.
And your self-esteem increases as you learn to make choices in favour of you.
You know it’s healthy when:
You don’t feel that you’ve ‘lost again’.
You know that you can still get what you need even as your partner gets what they need too.
How to practice this when you’re single:
What situations or relationships are you in where healthy compromise would help move things forward? In this context, how can you increase your sense of inner power and the value you add so that you feel able to compromise? Consider what choices or decisions you can make for you. Watch your self-esteem and sense of safety and comfort increase as a result.
5. Stay ‘in love’ by focusing on the good stuff
Love is indeed a verb.
You know it’s healthy when:
Each of you stays focused on what you love about the other person vs the stuff that drives you mad.
The better you are at taking care of yourself, the easier it is to be with the differences of the other person.
How to practice this when you’re single:
Gratitude is key here. Stay ‘in love’ with life...and with YOU by appreciating your amazingness and celebrating it all – the big and the small.
In conclusion, 1+1=3
Two humans together create a 3rd thing called a relationship.
When both people in the relationship can tend themselves as much as they tend to the other, a 3rd thing ( let’s call it love ) is able to emerge.
You don’t have to do it all alone! If you have difficulty with any of the practices above, coaching with me can offer crystalline clarity on what is coming up for you and why. And importantly provide the practical tools that you’ll need to create the partnership that you desire. Let’s talk: andrea@lushcoaching.com
Note: The 5 keys are based largely on the work of Pia Mellody in Facing Love Addiction