The Power of Hope vs Optimism in creating Healthy Relationships and Better Dating

When dating feels impossible or your long-term relationship is on the brink, the why and how of hanging in there when you just wanna quit

Hope depends not upon the outcome of circumstances, but the goodness of the cause, despite the consequences. -Vaslav Havel

I remember the deep doom and gloom and utter despair that would overcome me when year after year, date after date, swipe after swipe I was left feeling disappointed in the search for love and meaningful partnership.

I would wonder to myself, was it all really worth it?

I now work with single people and also with couples who ask themselves the same thing - is it really worth it for me to stay in this relationship or continue to date when year after year, month after month, day after day, I have to put up with the same thing? 

How can we remain optimistic when we’re disappointed time and again by love? 

And how can we actually harbour hope that things will be different when we feel stuck in the same patterns? 

I love Vaslav Havel’s definition of hope – it’s not the confidence and conviction that something will turn out well (that’s optimism), but the certainty that something is worth doing no matter how it turns out. This is hope. 

In dating and relationships, that ‘doing’ is becoming aware of what is holding you back from finding love or having the relationship that you want. And then developing the tools and skills needed to move you forward. 

This process of healing, growth and empowerment is worth doing. Regardless of the outcome that we desire or expect.

In truth, we need both optimism and hope to stay steady with ‘the work’ of finding and keeping love.

Here’s what that looks like.

Optimism vs Hope in love and relationships

Optimism helps you to maintain a positive attitude and keep you open to opportunities to meet someone new or to be with the person you’re with in whole new ways. 

Hope can coexist with uncertainty and the fear and anxiety this can bring about the future – you don’t have be in a 100% feel-good mood to hold hope.

Optimism can sometimes lead to bypassing or overlooking potential obstacles which may need to be addressed in order for healing and growth to happen.

Hope acknowledges challenges but maintains a belief in the possibility of overcoming them.

An optimistic dater might think, "Dating is fun and I'll find someone great" without any specific reasons why this might be true.

A hopeful dater might think, "This person seems compatible with me based on our shared interests" or "Our last date went well, so I hope the next one will be even better."

Optimism in a relationship might create a positive vibe but may not always lead to proactive relationship repair and maintenance.

Hope in a relationship would motivate partners to work on specific issues, plan for the future, or make changes to improve the relationship.

An optimistic dater might be present on dating apps or social scenes without actually taking the action necessary to bring anything to fruition.

A hopeful dater plans thoughtful dates, follows up after them, or works on self-improvement to increase their chances with a particular person.

Excessive optimism in a relationship might lead to complacency or ignoring serious issues.

Grounded hope in a relationship acknowledges challenges but maintains belief in the possibility of positive change, potentially leading to more active problem-solving.

Optimism in dating and relationships stems from overall trust in romantic partnership.

Hope in dating and relationships believes in the possibility for change based on specific efforts, like seeing an improvement in communication and connection after couples coaching.

In committed relationships and in dating, both optimism and hope play important roles. 

Ask yourself

Do you harbor more hope or more optimism in dating or in your relationship? 

Which do you feel that you could use a bit more of? 

What changes might that bring? How might it support you in finding, keeping and cultivating love?

If you’re struggling to feel optimistic, hopeful, or both know that coaching with me can help you. Contact me and let’s talk about what it’s like to feel hopeful again.  

3 keys to navigate transitions for more peace in times of change

At the time of writing, we’re transition very slowly from winter to spring, here in the northern hemisphere, I’ve been sitting a lot with what makes for a ‘smooth’ Transition in life and love.

And because much of the work that I do as a coach involves guiding people through transition 

-from a lifetime single to being in an intimate relationship, 

-from the pain of a breakup to stability and strength as single person, 

-from one career ending to another beginning

-shifting into entrepreneurship after years of corporate life

And I’ve come to the conclusion that Transitions, which often involve massive change, are by their very nature unsettling. 

And therefore can never be truly ‘smooth’. 

Because we need things to come apart in order for something new to emerge. 

And that coming apart will inevitably feel messy, destabilising, challenging, unpredictable. 

As much as it does exciting, expansive and joyful. 

When the change is welcome. 

(And eventually over time, even if it was not).

So if we let go of the expectation of the ‘smooth’ transition and recognise that navigating change well includes all of the ups and downs and sideways feelings of it

Then we can come through it all with more peace in our hearts 

And welcome in what is coming towards us with more ease and more quickly than we would otherwise. 

3 ways to navigate transitions with greater ease: 

1. Clearly mark an ending 

2. Accept the messy middle

3. Vision forward

Clearly mark an ending  

When we clearly mark an ending, we pass through the messy middle (see below), more quickly and with greater ease. 

How to mark an ending: 

Recognise wisdom gained and release what wants to be left behind

Recognise wisdom gained – Consider the experience you’ve just had. It could have been a marriage of 20 years. Or a career you began early in life. 

Journal or sit with the following:

-what did you learn from the experiences you had? 

-what gems of wisdom gleaned will you take forward?

-what wants to be left behind?

-what are you grateful for as you consider the above?  

Release what wants to be left behind. You can do this by 

- writing regrets or resentments on pieces of paper then feed them to the fire as you let them go

-dance / shake / move your body to release any tightness or stickiness that your body is carrying

All of this creates space for what’s new to come forward. 

Acceptance and the messy middle 

This phase can feel like the most difficult to navigate. It’s the liminal space, that in-between point where uncertainty lies. You’ve left one known but now outdated shore and are adrift somewhere in the middle, not yet sure of where we’re headed…or how far away the new shores lie. 

How to navigate the messy middle: 

Continue to acknowledge and process feelings, emotions and memories that arises from the past…but don’t get stuck there

It can take time for our bodies to unravel from years of patterns and rhythmns established over time. And for our hearts and minds to fully settle. 

Practices to help you through: 

1 Acceptance: Know that this is a normal phase of any Transition; that change takes the time it takes. And that whilst you’ll soon be in a ‘new normal’, that an unravelling must happen. 

I choose to accept the decisions of the past as the best possible ones for where I was and what I knew at that time. 

I choose to accept that change takes the time it takes.

I choose to accept the wisdom of my body and my soul. 

2 Revisit the release practices that you did to clear your body and your energetic field. And to reinforce the markings of your ending. 

3 Let go of the doing or pushing. 

Sometimes moving forward is done most quickly by doing nothing at all.  

Clarity + Vision forward

How do you want to live this next phase of your life? Your next relationship? Your work, career and purpose? 

You’ve got perspective and experience to draw from thanks to your past. And clarity from the processing and space-creating you’ve done. 

Remember though, that Visioning is a time for dreaming, because dreaming is powerful. A time to step beyond the constraints of conventional thinking. A time to create a reality that is yours alone to live. A place that is exciting to step forward into. 

This does not mean that challenges will not come. They will at this new level of being that you’re visioning. 

When you give yourself time and permission to Vision, and to create space for the unexpected, new worlds unfold. 

Practice: Vision a new reality – feel and experience it through your 5 senses 

Get comfortable, and grab your journal and a pen. Write whatever comes to mind after reading the following prompts:

I desire a relationship / a career / life that...

Dream wide. Let yourself go. What is right size, shape, experience for you?

Consider your 5 senses:

Who/ what do you see around you in this new reality?

What do you hear in this space / place?

What do you taste?

What do you smell?

What do you feel on your skin. Or what emotions do you feel inside of you?

When I work with people on this, I get them to create a recording of their statement and listen to it again and again. 

Repetition helps to embed this vision deep within us. 

So that we begin to make decisions and live this vision to its fullest.

Let’s work together to get you through whatever it is that is ending for you and to a new beginning with more peace – experience coaching with me.

This post was inspired by the Modern Elder Academy’s ebook, Anatomy of a Transition. I highly recommend checking them out for more on transitioning well in mid-life.

The 4 Attachment styles: Discover yours – and change it

“What do you mean I’m avoidant…I’d do ANYTHING…for a relationship right now. 

Avoiding one is the last thing I’m doing, it’s just that…”

And herein would begin the looooooong list of reasons why it was so hard to find love, the right kind of love. 
From…There just aren’t that many single guys my age out there anymore. 

To a list of expectations that a potential partner have x, y and z all in place when he first appears in front of me, otherwise I’m not going to waste my time on another dead-end date. 
The actual reasons why I was single for so many years sat much deeper within me. And learning about my main attachment style (avoidant) was like a wake-up call to it. 

Turns out that it all wasn’t so black and white, however. 
Because the minute someone ticked a good number of my boxes and showed a possible interest in me, this love ‘avoidant’ shifted swiftly over into the ‘anxious attacher’ mode. 
I’d begin to ask myself an incessant stream of questions like: 

Would he call again? Would there be a second date? What if he moved back to…what if I moved back to…what if it worked out…what if it didn’t.

Sound familiar? 

Turns out many of us exhibit a mash-up of styles when it comes to attachment and love. 

In this post, I’ll cover some of the main characteristics of the four different attachment styles. And how your style might show up in how you date and experience love. 

The 4 attachment styles

Avoidant attachers

• Appear independent, confident, and self-sufficient and avoid strong displays of closeness and intimacy.

• Will let you be around them, but will not let you in as they have difficulty sharing intimate details of their lives.

• As soon as things get serious they tend to close themselves off and start drifting off and distancing themselves or

• Begin to find faults with their partner or get annoyed by them. 

• They believe that they do not need emotional intimacy in their lives.

Anxious attachers

• Harbor strong fears of rejection or abandonment, have low self-esteem and need reassurance that they are loved, worthy, and good enough.

• Appear clingy, desperate, preoccupied as relationships might be both ‘life-saving’ and ‘life-threatening’ and can feels like you are on an emotional roller-coaster ride all the time

• The presence of a romantic partner appears to be a remedy for strong emotional needs

• Blinded by potential partners and put them on a pedestal choosing not to see what’s really there, have difficulty discerning and go on too many dates when writing is on the wall.

• Intensely jealous or suspicious of their partners and are insecure and anxious about their own worth in a relationship.

Disorganised attachers

• People who have been physically, verbally, or sexually abused in their childhood struggle to trust others and develops when the child’s caregivers – the only source of safety – become a source of fear.

• Moves between and lives aspects of both avoidant and anxious styles

• Desires love and acceptance but at the same time holds a deep fear that those closest to them will hurt them

• Believes that rejection, disappointment, and hurt in relationships are expected and inevitable – it’s just a matter of when

• Holds a negative view of themselves, others and the world around them 

Secure attachers

• Stays around long enough to understand whether the person is right for them or not by regulating emotions and feelings and holds an inherent optimism and positivity.

• Knows when to call it quits if the other person doesn’t rise to meet them e.g. asks the avoidant to make more time and share more; asks the anxious attacher to self-hold around fear of being left or unloved. 

• Knows how to connect and communicate clearly and open up and share feelings vulnerably when things feel off. Comfortable with closeness and mutual support and dependency. And also time alone for personal exploration.

• Knows what they are about in life, their impact and the purpose they want to fulfill outside of the relationship whilst also recognizing the value and importance of intimate connection and healthy relationships. 

• Strong capacity to reflect on how they are being in a relationship and make shifts and changes to strengthen love and inspire desire. 

Go deeper

Questions for contemplation: 

• Which of these four attachment styles feel most congruent with your experience of dating and love?

• Can you recognise the attachment style of those you have dated or had a relationship with? 

• How might being aware of attachment styles begin to shift how you date, love or relate to others? 
  

Work with me

Work with me one-to-one or check out my group coaching programme Roadmap to Relationships where you learn powerful tools and practices to move into a more secure way of relating.

It still does feel a bit ironic that I had a predominantly ‘avoidant’ attachment style when love was the thing that I wanted most in my life. 

The good news is, I changed it. Found love. And am still in it. And so can you. 

Further reading:

If you want to read and learn more on Attachment Theory then I recommend these excellent resources which informed this post:

The Attachment Project

Polysecure by Jessica Fern

Modern Love = Closeness + Distance. How to manage the paradox of intimacy

Most of us know by now that the desire for safety and security in a long-term relationship is counterbalanced with the desire for adventure and excitement. 

Too much safety and we feel bored. 

Too much excitement and we feel destabilised. 

To help you manage the paradox, I break it down and share the components of cultivating each end of the stick.

Cultivating closeness

Closeness in love feels ‘like home’ / security / safety / steadiness / support

• Presence

• Connection

• Communication

Presence

How much of you is ‘in the room’ with the other person. Is your body there but your mind somewhere else? Is your heart in it, but you never have time to actually be with the other? 

Presence shows up on the physical, emotional and mental levels. When you are with your partner, be intentional about being there fully so you actually feel together. 

Connection

Connection, like presence, happens most when you can be with yourself as much as you can be with the other. If you are connected to your own heart, for example, then it’s possible to connect to the heart of another.

Connection can happen in simple ways that take just a moment, like intentional touch and meeting another’s gaze, holding one another and synchronising your breathing, or through shared activities like dancing together. 

Communication

Communication that is open, honest and raw in its truthfulness is key. And it’s one of the most difficult things to do in intimate relationships when we feel there is so much at stake. What makes open communication possible is cultivating  the ability to recognize when you get triggered, understand why it’s happening, hold yourself through it or take time out, and respond from a place of steadiness.

It sounds simple and is one of the most challenging things for most people, so if you struggle with it then get in touch and we’ll talk about how to work through it. 

Cultivating distance

Distance in love supports eros, desire, passion, adventure / challenge

• Autonomy and purpose

• Community (yep, community is sexy!)

• Newness

Autonomy and purpose

There is nothing more attractive than when a person stands in their own power and knows their purpose – or is on their way to determining it. When we see our potential partner standing forward, aligned and centered in their core, clear on what they stand for even if they aren’t quite sure of which way to go with it, then we both admire and desire them.  

Community

We are complex beings, us humans. And as strong and powerful as we are, we are not here to do this thing called life alone. Yes, it is important that your intimate partner is there for you. It’s also important that you have a reliable network of close friends and / or family to reach out to. And in addition, a looser community or group of people that you come to to share in activities, interests, business building, etc. 

When you have a wide base of support around you, you feel more space and freedom to love the person you are closest to. And they feel able and capable of being there for you. And when they can’t (because we’re human), you have a net to fall into. 

Newness

Stay curious. About life. About love. About the other person. If you approach life with curiosity, inquisitiveness and a desire to learn, explore and understand more, then living this with your partner becomes part of the growth and expansion that is available for you to experience both individually and together. Get out there. Try new things. Do them together. Do them separately then come together and share your experience. It’s part of our nature as humans to grow and evolve. Make this not only part of who you are but part of your relationship too.

Explore. And don’t stop. 

Ester Perel’s work has illuminated this understanding beautifully. And is in part the inspiration for this post.

You don't have to lose your independence (or power) to be in a relationship

One of the biggest fears that I hear from strong, independent women is that they’ll have to give up their independence if they are in a relationship.

They say this with such a fierce determination and defensiveness that I can’t help but feel beneath their words.

I feel fear that with that loss of independence, they’ll also lose their power.

I’m writing this post at the time of the harvest moon. The Autumn Equinox.

There’s a bit of a chill to the air and a sparkling sunshine that warms my face and softens that edge just a little. What perfect balance.

Balance is what yesterday’s Equinox, which marked the shift from one season to the next, is all about.

And balance in relationships, and the power balance in particular is what I’ve been exploring in Jade Bliss and with my private coaching clients.

How can we feel power ‘with’ a potential partner. And what does that look like exactly?

As a woman who’s empowered and independent, what does inter-dependence look like when she’s no longer single?

• What does power feel like?

• How might our sense of it shift when we’re in an intimate relationship?

• What space wants to be created in body, heart and mind to allow for the WITH without losing any of the I or me

We’ve been brought up on power OVER

• Countless generations of women who’ve had to submit / give up / sacrifice for marriage and partnership

• Patriarchy outside of the home, which in so many forms which serves no one well – men included

• Competition from a young age at school and having survival of the fittest instilled in our beings

I’ll admit it, it’s taken my body a minute this week to adjust to longer nights as the sun rises later in the day. 

The harvest moon, full bright and powerful this month made me extra jittery and disrupted my normally solid sleep pattern. 

Balancing is taking a minute when it comes to understanding power as a woman in an intimate relationship.

And so might it with you. 

Perhaps get pencil to paper

And then set body to movement

As you ponder the question :

'How does 'power with' feel in you: body heart soul energy?'

It’s a new season for humankind.

Here is one more turning of the dial.

How will you live it? In love as in life?

So that you can have independence and feel empowered within relationship.

Whilst benefitting from the potential for growth in a healthy, intimate relationship as you experience steady support in becoming even more powerful than you were on your own.

We’re not here to do it alone.

And whilst togetherness does not have to come through intimate relationships, it is a beautiful and life-changing thing when it does.

How the stories you tell yourself keep you from love – and how to change that

It hit me like a cold, hard slap in the face. 

‘Is that the story you’re telling yourself?, she asked me.’

What the f*ck did she mean, ‘the story.’

I had recounted the cold, hard, facts truthfully to my coach…facts which stung, btw.

Facts like: 

> I had been on date after date after date. Well over 100. 

> I had liked …ok not that many… but actually enough of those men I’d have happily gone on 2nd dates with to see where it might lead. 

> And none of these dates had gone anywhere. 

Based on the facts

The evidence so painfully and clearly written before me

Year after year

Failed date after failed date

I had come to the conclusion that 

• I’m just not that good with men

• I’m just not attractive in that way

• And anyway, I’m better on my own

I do good as ‘me’, single, independent, balanced, happy. 

The end. 

That was my story. 

And it’s the same story that I hear from clients over and over again. 

Except that I couldn’t accept the ending of the story – and neither do the people I work with.  

The ending being

Living our lives.

Alone. 

Forever. 

The truth is, until we learn how to shift our stories

Learn how to look at the past differently

And tell a new story about it

Based on new truths

Things simply do not change. 

So that there’s more possible endings…and beginnings

Things don’t change. 

‘So tell me what else is true,’ my coach asked. 

Errrmmmm well … I was hesitant. 

The truth was, it felt more comfortable being the victim of my story than writing any other role for myself in it. 

I could feel my heels digging in. 

I felt tired. Exhausted. 

Like some sort of inner battle was waging 

But I couldn’t see clearly who was fighting. 

My story served me. 

It made me feel powerful.

It reminded me that ‘I could ‘do life’ on my own and be just fine.’

But was telling this same story over and over again, helping me now? 

HELL no.

So I began to re-write the story, however reluctantly. 

‘I had a pretty good time on that date and I thought it went well but I’ve not heard back from him and he didn’t reply to my text so….maybe…

> He really liked me and kind of freaked out

> He went on the date even though he’s not really ready for a relationship

> He’s got something going on I can’t see, but I’m going to trust this is for the better

> Maybe, just maybe, it’s about him and not about me. 

The old story would have sounded like: 

> I’m just not that attractive to men. 

> I should have been more __________ (fill in blanks). 

> Maybe I was too ____________(fill in blanks). 

> Why is it easier for __________(fill in various names of other women who seemed good at this)

Now don’t get me wrong, I still knew that I’d have to change or shift things within me if I wanted to see different results in love and life. 

After all, I was the common denominator, the main character in this lifetime of stories. 

And I knew that I had to do things differently. 

But the changes I needed to make looked different than I’d imagined. 

Starting with this thing about storytelling. 

So I began to write new stories for myself

Beginning with small edits to the script (because changing the whole damn story all at once didn’t feel good to me). 

As I edited my story over and over again, new possibilities emerged. 

Possibilities like: 

> Maybe it’s not all about me, maybe it’s about them too

> I hold a unique flavour of beauty, and I’m attractive in my own way (once I owned this one from the inside out, it became my new normal – I turned heads and knew I was alluring)

> It’s great to know that I’m ace at being single and can ‘do this’ on my own, so it’s ok to take a risk and open myself up more. I can always go back to being single if it doesn’t work out. 

Now, after years of focus on self-development and through professional study, I know that the way that I was telling my story and how I felt about it are a normal part of human functioning.

And though normal, not one that we have to submit to once we are aware of what is going on. 

So if you feel stuck when it comes to relationships and love, begin to ask yourself the following questions

To detect whether you are telling yourself a story

To see if there might be an opportunity for you to ‘change the script’

And actively create possibilities for a new ending

• What story do you find yourself telling over and over again about love, relationships and sex? Do you sound like a broken record? If yes, welcome to your story.

• What do you insist on as true?

• Which truths serve and empower you?

• Which ones feel limiting and debilitating?

• What would you say to the part of you that holds on to fear? To the part of you that wants to dream?

• What becomes possible when you begin to look at things differently?

• What opportunities open up?

New stories will, at the very least, break a pattern of thought that has long held you back. 

They will pave the way for and open you up to new possibilities. 

So that you might actually get the ending to the story that you want. 

Let me help you become aware of the stories you’re telling yourself and support you in the process of writing new ones in a way that feels grounded, realistic and true to you. 

Sign up for a 15 minute chat with me and we’ll talk about how.

And if you want to learn about why / how our brains craft and interpret stories, here’s the neuroscience on it.

The most important career decision you’ll ever make is who to love. Here’s why.

If you are single, then making time to date and to manage the emotional rollercoaster of ghosting, catfishing, breadcrumbing, bench warming, etc., etc., can feel superfluous and annoyingly distracting when there are ‘more important’ work demands to deal with.

According to the latest research, you may be leaving money on the table, promotions and recognition, and the personal gratification that comes with career wins from meaningful work.

“Sheryl Sandberg, Bill and Melinda Gates, Warren Buffett, and my mother all agree on one thing – “that the single most important career decision that a woman makes is whether she will have a life partner and who that partner is.””

— Sheryl Sandberg

In truth, all relationships require time (our greatest asset in today’s world of ‘busy’), energy and attention in order to first exist – and then to grow.

Sheryl Sandberg, Bill and Melinda Gates, Warren Buffett, and my mother all agree on one thing – "that the single most important career decision that a woman makes is whether she will have a life partner and who that partner is."

And so the investment that you make not only in finding the right mate but also in cultivating that relationship holds a bigger potential return for our career growth than we initially imagine. 

“Evidence is mounting from sociological research that when both partners dedicate themselves to work and to home life, they reap benefits such as increased economic freedom, a more satisfying relationship, and a lower-than-average chance of divorce.”

— Jennifer Petriglieri

We can lose sight of this possibility when we have a hard time envisaging how we’ll ever manage it all. You might see friends in a relationship or who are a single parents, facing the demands of balancing career growth and and family responsibilities including kids, ageing parents and intimate partnership. In truth, it is extremely challenging. 

A recent McKinsey study found that ‘89 percent of women and 70 percent of men are part of a dual-career couple (DCC)—a couple in which both partners have jobs. These couples come from all racial and ethnic groups and from all income levels.’(1)

Yet ‘evidence is mounting from sociological research that when both partners dedicate themselves to work and to home life, they reap benefits such as increased economic freedom, a more satisfying relationship, and a lower-than-average chance of divorce.(2)’

“Meaningful work provides intrinsic rewards beyond dollar signs that are valuable for people and their identity.”

— Adrienne Partridge

Notes colleague and friend Adrienne Partridge, ‘Meaningful work provides intrinsic rewards beyond dollar signs that are valuable for people and their identity.’ Adrienne should know. She’s leadership and career coach who studied women's career choices for her doctoral research in psychology and has worked with high-achieving professional women for years.

When we are with a partner who supports us, who is there to encourage us to take risks at work and helps us to feel safe moving beyond our comfort zone, we show up with greater confidence and the assurance that we need to go there. Psychologist John Bowlby’s groundbreaking work in attachment theory calls this form of support in intimate relationships a ‘secure base’.

Even still, coming together to align on aspirations for career and desires for home life is complicated.

So how do couples do it? And how can you?

Explore the options, get clear on what you want – and why – and communicate it.

Jennifer Petriglieri, an associate professor of organizational behavior at INSEAD proposes three basic models to consider when determining balancing work and life for dual-career couples (2): 

(1) In primary-secondary, one partner’s career takes priority over the other’s for the duration of their working lives. The primary person dedicates more time to work and less to the family, and his or her professional commitments (and geographic requirements) usually come before the secondary person’s. 

(2) In turn taking, the partners agree to periodically swap the primary and secondary positions. 

(3) In double-primary, they continually juggle two primary careers.

The model that feels right for you will ultimately be the one that aligns most with your values. 

As I’ve mentioned, for many dual-career couples, personal identity and meaning are intrinsic in what they have chosen for a career path. At the same time, ideas about what makes for a ‘good’ home life including what’s right for children and in caring for ageing parents can change.

“Balance is a misnomer. Things are not always going to be in perfect balance.”

— Adrienne Partridge

Clear, open communication on what you want from the dating stage onwards is key

Know that the model that feels right for you now may shift over time. And so establishing clear, open communication channels right from the onset beginning with dating, is fundamental to the success of a dual-career relationship. 

It’s as important to open up about fears and what your boundaries are, as much as it is to express what you value and why. 

This can feel quite scary. Especially if you are not used to feeling vulnerable.   

And yet it’s in this space that opportunity for deep connection and understanding happen. 

When you voice your needs, and consider those of the other, then it’s from this space of mutual understanding that solutioning can happen. 

As a couple, work together to craft a plan that considers each of your needs, desires and ambition based on shared values. Consider the role that you’ll take in each other’s lives. Get clear on the responsibilities and expectations that come along with that role. And keep on talking about what works and what wants tweaking. 

When the going gets tough, remember this

It’s going to get messy. Articles like this can make it all seem easy. We’ve just got to get clear on what we want, have a conversation, take action, and boom, it’s done. 

Know that one of the main reasons we’re in relationships is to grow and to learn. And like anything else this learning, whether it’s about how best to communicate complex feelings or how to understand what is truly important to you and why, can look and feel uncomfortable. And that’s ok. 

It’s worth it.

Let’s come back to the point on why having the right partner is advantageous for career success. When you have a partner that supports you in challenging yourself, in stepping outside of your comfort zone, in staying by you as you do so, you feel more capable of stepping into the danger zone and taking that risk necessary to grow into a promotion or take on new responsibilities.

It feels great to be supported in this way – and to be that same support for your partner when they need. 

“When we are with a partner who supports us, who is there to encourage us to take risks at work and helps us to feel safe moving beyond our comfort zone, we show up with greater confidence and the assurance that we need to go there. ”

— Andrea Balboni

This is the foundation of a healthy relationship.

After all, I believe that we’re all here to grow and evolve into the brightest versions of ourselves possible in all areas of our lives. And we’re not meant to do that alone. 

Finding the right person for such an important partnership is essential.

Whether you are single and struggling to find the right person, or in a relationship and feel you could do with some support, I can help. Contact me and we’ll talk about how.

1. https://www.mckinsey.com/business-functions/organization/our-insights/how-dual-career-couples-find-fulfillment-at-work#

2. https://hbr.org/2019/09/how-dual-career-couples-make-it-work

How to fall in love with a nice guy

Women often come to me saying that they don’t want to settle. 

But every time they meet a guy who’s perfectly nice, they just don’t feel the spark. 

Or they just don’t feel like they can trust him – he’s just too nice. 

If this is you, you might be keeping yourself from creating a healthy relationship – one that is not only sexy, exciting and alive – but also stands the test of time.

Or you might be doing exactly the right thing.

Here’s the real difference between ‘nice guys’ and ‘bad boys’ – and what you want instead.

When it’s about him 

If your ‘nice guy’ is a ‘yes man’, then no, he can not be trusted. And nope, ‘yes men’ are certainly not sexy.

Yes men are people pleasers.

They’ll do or say anything to win your affection or draw you in. 

A yes man will tell you want you want to hear, and it may not necessarily be what he actually thinks or feels. 
You feel he can’t be trusted because you’re left wondering what’s really going on beneath the surface. You might even wonder what may come out of the closet and surprise you later down the line.

Yes men lack boundaries.

Hence women feeling like they can ‘walk all over them.’

This is not at all appealing for a woman who knows her worth. She’s not into power plays, but wants a healthy relationship where there’s mutual respect and understanding. 

Therefore this type of yes man is uninteresting. An empowered woman wants to be held accountable for her views and opinions. She wants to be challenged to be the best that she can be. And for this she needs a powerful man who’s not afraid to say what he sees in her – when she’s doing great. And where there are blind spots. Even if some things are hard to hear, he finds a way to say them so that it feels supportive and constructive. 

A yes man doesn’t know his own worth.

He may honestly love you, but he doesn’t love himself enough to give this love in a healthy way. He overcompensates, is over-giving and over-available. This feels uninteresting.  

The antithesis of the ‘nice guy’ is the ‘bad boy’. But this guy too, as we know, is also flawed. 

When it’s about you

Why we go for the ‘bad boy’ instead 

His kind of love (or lack thereof) feels familiar. Literally. 

Some women are used to love and affection feeling just out of reach. This may be what you experienced from your parents or caretakers, who were often absent, busy or just not available enough. 

We look to heal this breach in adulthood – to find someone that we can get to give us the attention we never got as a kid. We hope to convert the person. To get them to love us. 

But in reality, they are unable to love like we need them to in the first place. 
Don’t trust honest, open, healthy displays of love + affection because you are not used to them. 

We love the ‘bad boys’ because they let us explore a part of us that has been suppressed 

You know that you don’t have to be on their best behaviour with a guy who’s a rebel. And you allow your own ‘bad girl’ to come out. 

In childhood girls are often taught to be ‘good’. And our rebellious nature is repressed. You therefore might feel a childlike glee and joy in doing what’s forbidden. And this can fuel the flames of desire. It feeds excitement. 

The ‘wild’ in you has been condemned by our society and culture

And yet raw, uninhibited desire is a natural part of being human. Women who express freely this part of themselves are often stigmatised and judged. If a woman senses that she’s going to be given a chance to express this deep innate part of her sexuality, she’s going to be drawn to someone that she feels will receive this with open arms and enjoy it. 

The drama in another distracts us from ourselves. 

The bad boy gives us a project that needs ‘fixing’. 

Women often get validated as care-takers, fixers, healers and learn at an early age that we’re good if we do this. Fixing gives a sense of worth and purpose. 

The only problem is that these guys don’t necessarily want to change. Or to be fixed. And so over time a woman can become submissive rather than nurturing, when the one she wants to change either won’t or ‘just can’t’. 

External drama keeps the focus on the external. On him. On the drama in the relationship that always seems to be there. On what’s going on outside of you.

When the storm outside is quiet because you’re with someone who is balanced and healthy, then there’s no distraction. It gives space for introspection and turning the focus inwards. 

In doing so we are asked to face our own strife, storms and drama that we hold within.

How to break the cycle

Learn to trust the guys who are actually nice – and available. 

Recognise what’s actually playing out for you. 

Which of the above sounds true? What patterns are you playing out over and over again in dating and relationships? 

Saying no to Yes Men is a good thing. 

But letting go of an actual healthy, empowered man is another. 

A guy in his power won’t necessarily fight for your attention or affection. He knows his worth. He doesn’t need to prove it in grand displays. 
And he’s not interested in fighting for power over you either. He has enough of that within himself. He isn’t interested in taking yours. 

He won’t ‘take it’ either. He’ll let you know what’s cool. And what isn’t. He’ll expect you to own your emotions, your feelings and accept responsibility for what’s yours.
He’ll celebrate your strength. And challenge you to be more than you are. 

And he’ll also lean back so that you can show up wild, free and full of life. But without the drama.

Know yourself and take care of her

He expects you to know how to manage your own storms within. To know yourself enough so that you can recognise what’s going on inside. And own what is yours. 

He’s available to listen as you express yourself clearly and with grace, even if it feels difficult. 

This doesn’t mean you need to hide your emotions. It means understanding why you are feeling a certain way by asking yourself what is really going on with you. And why you’ve had such a strong reaction. 

And from that place of self-knowing, sharing with him what you are experiencing and why. 

If you struggle with understanding ‘your part’ and why you actually feel the way that you feel, then coaching can be a powerful way for you to gain insight into what’s really going on. Connect with me and I’ll help you to navigate your own inner world.

Live out the parts of you that want living.

Do you feel caged in by life? By how you are with friends and family? Is there a part of you that wants expressing so that you can feel more free in your life. And perhaps your sexuality. 

Accept these parts of you. Celebrate them. Love them. Let them breathe. 

Relationships can feel easy. And exciting. And wild. And fun. 

And safe too. Learn to be ok with the unfamiliar. Allow yourself to receive the love and affection that comes your way. 

Love like this might look different than what you’re used to – and thank goddess for that.

How to heal from heartbreak - a 3 step body-heart-mind process

If you’ve experienced heartbreak, you are so not alone.

Heartbreak is one of the most common things that we all experience at some point or another. 

This holds true often even for those who have never been in a relationship as much as it does for those married multiple times. 

Heartbreak can even happen whilst you are deep in relationship. 

The hope we hold for love unrequited or withdrawn carries a pain that can chafe the heart enough times to send the protective barriers up that keep us feeling safe – and alone. 

The loss we feel, the grief and sadness can stay around for much longer than is healthy. It’s good to feel your emotions. Not so good to hold on to the tough ones for too long. The heaviness that fills our heart leaves no space for the joy and lightness of love. The kind that overflows. 

The kind that wants to be shared. 

Heartbreak can also sit in our minds as we play the scenes over and over again trying to make sense of it all. Where we went wrong. What we did or didn’t do. What was going on with the other person. This infinite loop locks us in the past leaving no possibility for us to be present here and now so that we can live a new and different future. 

Step 1: Free your physical body – let it out 

This may not seem obvious at first, but heartbreak sits not only in the ache around your heart. It can show up in other parts of you as well.  

Feel into your body and notice what sensations come up when you recall the person or situation that broke your heart. 

For example many women often feel an ache in their womb when they really tune in to their bodies. 

Others will realise that that tightness in their belly or clenching of their shoulders shows up. 

Whatever it is, you’ll want to encourage the sensation to loosen and move out of your body. 

Some ways to facilitate this are:  

• Shake it off - from the tips of your fingers down to your toes shake your whole body

• Dance it off - crank up the tunes!

• Sound it out - give the sensation a voice and let it out

Whatever it takes to get the yuck out. 

Give yourself 5-10 minutes for this. 

Step 2: Next move on to your heart – allow yourself to feel

Allow yourself to feel the emotions of it all, whatever it is that comes up for you. 

This could be deep sadness and grief, a sense of loss and of course hurt. 

Sometimes the feelings of intense pain or hurt carry a physical quality to them. Let the emotion move through your body and out. 

Give yourself 5-10 minutes for this. 

Whilst it’s important to feel your emotions to heal, you don’t want to stay here for too long as it can then become counter-productive. 

Step 3: Clear your mind

If you find yourself analysing and over-analysing the situation or person or yourself, then try this. 

Take 2 sheets of paper.

On one paper write down all the good stuff from your experience. 

Fill it with lessons learned and wisdom gained. 

This you’ll be taking forward with you in your journey to new love. 

On the 2nd sheet of paper write down all the nasty stuff. Everything that you want to leave behind. All the mess and anything that felt harmful – and not in a learning kind of way. 

Burn the paper or rip it up and toss it out. 

Fill up with fresh, clean energy

You will have created space in your body, heart and mind at this point. 

Fill that space with light and love. You can do this through a heart-based meditation. Or simply by imagining a beautiful pearl of love-filled light at the centre of your chest expanding out into all the spaces that you’ve created. 

Another way is to spend time with friends and family where you feel the love and soak it all in from them. Love feeds love. All kinds. 

Come back to wholeness

And finally, call back into you any parts of you that you feel might have been left behind. Welcome yourself back. 

Do this process as many times as it takes until you feel complete, whole and new. 

And remember, healing heartbreak can take time. Be gentle and go easy. 

Tantric Massage - what makes it so special (it’s not what you think)

What makes a tantric massage different from say a sports massage or a massage with a happy ending? 

Tantric massage focuses on pleasure and sensuality as much as on releasing stress and tension from the body. Orgasm and sex actually take a back seat. Though that may happen if you decide to move into lovemaking afterwards. 

Tantric massage is a ritual-like full-bodied pleasure practice performed to facilitate deep connection with you, your body, your sexuality, and your partner through touch, deep relaxation, and by practicing complete presence. 

It can be deeply healing and nourishing as the person receiving the massage learns to relax into their body and let go of any tension or holding stored there, specifically in regards to their sexuality.

And the person giving experiences being fully present with another, enabling the pleasure of the receiver, and connecting throughout the practice from the heart. This in itself is generative, fosters connection and is full of deeper meaning.

These 3 elements are foundational to learning how to give (and receive) a tantric massage:

1. Ritual

2. Intention

3. Presence + Connection

In this article I describe how these foundational elements are integral to the incredibly erotic experience of tantric massage.

Not all tantric massage involves genital touch. And whilst there are many ways to perform tantric massage, I’d argue that these are key components that make it what it is – a sacred experience of our sensual selves like no other.

Ritual

We humans looooove ritual. 

Rituals give us a sense of safety and of connection. They imbue deeper meaning to life and even allow us the space within which we can transcend ourselves. 

All of these are key to experiencing the heightened states of pleasure and deep nourishment to body, mind and soul that tantric massage offers.  

Rituals want time and focus. A slowing down to stillness. 

This allows the space for pleasure to surface, connection to deepen and erotic energy to flow. 

Ritual will run throughout your massage session. Here’s how. 

Intention

In rituals, the most ordinary of actions and gestures become transformed into symbolic expressions, their meaning reinforced each time they are performed.1 

Intentions set a tone and give deeper layers of meaning to things. Intention hones our attention and asks for heightened involvement and immersion in the moment.

And in tantric massage an intrinsic part of the practice is to awaken sensuality and full feeling throughout the body.

Set an intention together

Setting an intention helps both the giver and receiver relax into the moment as it manages expectations, boosting confidence. It can alleviate anxiety about performing well as a masseur or about having to receive pleasure in a certain way.

Set an intention together before you begin the massage ritual. And state it again when you are ready to begin. 

The intention for experience you’re about to share can be

• To receive fully from another

• To give fully from the heart

• To allow whatever the experience is and not judge it

• To connect deeply and accept whatever comes

• To experience sensual touch with greater awareness

Create a sacred space

Transform your outer world and your internal world re-organises itself to expect to experience things differently. Creating a sacred space links to intentionality – this experience will be something more than just a regular old rub down.

Choose a place where you’ll perform the massage. This can be your bedroom or anywhere where you can get creative. Transform the space into something special by adding 

• Candles

• Soft lighting

• Clean sheets

• Fresh flowers or petals

• Sensual music 

Presence + Connection

Ritual hones our attention and focus. It leads us to heightened involvement and immersion in the moment.

Conscious touch - be fully present

Have you ever been touched by someone who feels absent? It’s like the touch doesn’t really land. And it can even feel a bit creepy as you sense that their mind and heart are elsewhere. 

It’s fundamental that both partners stay fully present throughout the massage. 

You’d think this simple. But it’s very easy to drift away and get lost in our thoughts throughout. 

For those receiving the massage: 

Keep coming back to your body and the sensations in your body. With every touch you receive, be fully present for it and notice how your body responds. 

• What do you like? 

• What do you dislike? 

• What do you want more of? 

• What does your body need?

For those giving the massage:

Fill each stroke you give with awareness and love. Be intentional in how you approach your partner’s body. And notice how they respond. If you are not sure then that brings us to the next key: communication.

Connect through communication 

We don’t talk enough during sex. We don’t talk enough about what we want. What we like. What feels good. To each other. 

So tantric massage is a great way to introduce communication into your intimate life. 

Ask the receiver things like:

• How do you like the stroke – long and smooth or short and quick

• How is the speed of the touch

• What about the quality of the touch

• Location

• Pressure

• Style

What part of them wants more touch

Respond by asking for more of what you like. Focus on what is good versus verbalising what you don’t like as this can feel like a criticism to your partner. 

With tantric massage as ritual there is joint attention focused on the experience. We can perceive emotional synchrony with one another. We feel connected and in flow with each other’s bodies and rhythms. 

And there can even be an experience of self–other overlap where you lose yourself in the experience of the other person. 

These experiences can feel transcendent as you move from separateness to a shared experience of deep connection and love. 

And the energy between you weaves and flows like water in a stream.  

Staying present in your body even as you flow into another through pleasure is unique to what tantric massage offers. 

End with gratitude and sharing

Rituals have a clear beginning, middle and end. This satisfies a fundamental need for order and is a buffer against uncertainty. When we feel safe and in control then we can more easily let ourselves go and relax into the moment and whatever arises. 

End the massage by thanking each other for being part of a shared experience. 

Take some time to share what you experienced both as the giver and receiver. 

1. ‘The Psychology of Rituals: An Integrative Review and Process-Based Framework,’ Nicholas M. Hobson, Juliana Schroeder, Jane L. Risen, Dimitris Xygalatas and Michael Inzlicht

Journaling: A simple powerful tool to build confidence in dating and relationships

Journaling is a great way to work through the tough stuff and really know yourself. 

And really knowing yourself (and loving yourself for being YOU), is what actually builds your confidence from the inside out so that when you are on dates or in a relationship you feel grounded and confident no matter what happens.

Knowing and loving the parts of you that you’ve pushed into the shadows, the parts of you that you’ve been ashamed of, that you’ve feared being, the parts that feel like they are not worthy of love is especially powerful.

Acknowledging and accepting these parts of you allows you to stand in your full power. To show up as your fullest self.

And to open your heart and mind fully to another person – feel safe in doing so. There’s nothing to hide.

So if you want a deep, connected relationship, let’s get you started writing.

What you need

A journal or notebook. It doesn’t have to be fancy.

Your favourite pen / pencil.

A daily practice of writing. This can be anywhere from a few minutes of free form writing (whatever comes to mind). Or a more structured practice like the one I share below.

Get started - Journaling the Shadow

Shadow work (getting to know the parts of ourselves that we tend to push back into the shadows of our mind and hearts) is a fantastic way to create more compassion for ourselves. Here’s a way into shadow work through journaling.

Step 1: Write down 3 things you'd hate to be accused of

For example, many men are afraid of being accused of being selfish, mean, a bully, weak, or a pushover.

Step 2: Write down a time when you actually were this way and what resulted from it.

I was very selfish in my last relationship and it made me feel alone. My partner eventually left me.

Step 3: And another time when it served you

I was selfish when I decided to stay home from a family gathering because it would have been too stressful. I'm glad I stayed home because it was what I really needed. 

Step 4: Own this part of you fully

Say out loud – I am a selfish man. Feel it in your body. Know that it's only a part of you – a part that sometimes serves you. And so it is welcome and necessary – when the time is right.

Still not convinced? Hear me out.

I remember when I first met Naz. 

I was late for our first date – a picnic in the park.

It was a bright sunny day outside and we sat for hours chatting and munching on small bites as the clouds shifted quickly across the deep blue sky. 

Naz shared with me not only the good parts of his life – where he’s travelled to, the friends he has – but also the challenging stuff. The things that hurt and were hard. 

We went deep. 

It was only afterwards that Naz told me that he doesn’t normally share the tough stuff with people he’s just met. 

Or with anyone for that matter. 

When you accept all parts of you, exactly as you are, that’s when the magic happens. 

Naz felt confident enough in himself that day to open up and reveal parts of him and his life that showed me the man he was. 

The guy I fell in love with. 

Was he perfectly 100% confident in all ways? Nope. 
Was it enough? 
Yep. 

It was.

Learn about my bespoke men’s coaching programme and apply to work with me on building your confidence from the inside out.

Starting a relationship in the era of Covid-19 is possible. Here’s how.

Ok so I’ll admit it, whilst I’m not a huge proponent of online dating I did meet my current partner on Tinder. 

And for many others in long-distance relationships, cultivating a new relationship over the digi-sphere is nothing new. 

So whilst I encourage people to meet in person quite quickly after they meet online, this strategy has shifted considering the environment that we live in. 

And since we don’t really know how long we’ll be living in partial or full lockdown, I wanted to prepare you for whatever comes.

Here’s how to date in the era of Corvid-19:

1. Make tech your friend. Go online, but not obsessively.

Update your profile if you have a dusty one. Or create a new one if you’ve never had one to begin with. 

You are aiming for maximum authenticity in your profile. A true representation of you. It’s difficult to be objective about ourselves so run your online persona by a friend or two who aren’t afraid to be honest and ask if they feel it’s an accurate representation of who you are. 

Don’t spend more than 7-10 minutes a day (!!) on the app. And once you’ve swiped right on 9 people, halt the motion and work with those 9 humans. 

More tips on how to best play the dating apps from dating expert Nichi Hodgson.

2. Cyberspace is the place to be

Should you meet in person?

No!

Even if your potentially soon-to-be sexual partner shows no symptoms, they could be a carrier of coronavirus. This is NOT a sexy ‘how we first met’ story for the grandkids. It’s just not. 

Fortunately we have the tech to help bridge the gap between the static 2D photo of us online and our living breathing 3D selves. Skype, Zoom, WhatsApp…the options are there.

Ok so meeting in a video conference isn’t exactly the 3rd dimension but it’s close enough for now. 

Whilst you won’t get the potentially intoxicating hit of someone’s scent or feel the temperature of their touch, you’ll get lots more info than if you are simply texting or speaking on the phone. 

3. How long do you wait before hopping from text to video? 

Same rule applies here as they did in a corona free world – the sooner the better. 

You can get a pretty good sense of someone from meeting them via video. 

Just keep in mind this is still not the full picture. Some people are actually quite different in ‘real life’ than they are even ‘on camera’. 

And it takes quite some time to really get to know someone well enough to qualify them as relationship material. 

4. How do I show up strong on a virtual date?  

I recommend following all the ‘in person’ etiquette you normally would: 

• Be on time

• Dress the part

• Be fully present

Set aside the time separate from work. No sneaky dates in between WFH meetings.

Take time to switch from ‘work mode’ to ‘date mode’.You don’t want to bring your badass boss attitude to date time…unless that’s your thing.

Change your clothes, preen. Present yourself as you would on a date.  Be ready to engage fully with the person on the other end of the line.

If you do decide to buck social distance protocol and meet in person (not recommended), be safe – meet in a populated public space like a park in daytime. Let someone know where you’ve gone. And until you reach a high level of trust and safety, don’t meet at each other’s homes. 

5. What to do on the first few dates

Again, this follows ‘real world’ considerations: 

Make the first few dates short ones. Have a virtual coffee together. Or a virtual vino. Though keep in mind alcohol compromises the immune system so you might want to skip the bubbly. 

Gradually up the time you spend together over time. Long-distance relationship pros often decide on an activity that connects them such as low commitment games like Words With Friends. 

You can then work up to candle lit dinners.

Watching Netflix together is also good. Ok it’s minus the cuddles, but those will come soon enough. More on bridging the physical intimacy gap later in this article. 

Whatever you decide to do together, communication is key. To maintain the connection though, you have to be vulnerable.

Being vulnerable means sharing your emotional world with another in an open and honest way. It involves a bit of risk taking. And discernment as you decide whether you are ready to trust another with the landscape of your inner world. And if they are ready to receive it. 

Read more about how to be vulnerable here.

Vulnerability fosters emotional intimacy and even mental intimacy.

But what about the physical stuff?

6. When is the right time to ‘go all the way’? 

As things heat up between the two of you, physical intimacy may come into the picture. But how, you ask?  And when’s the right time for that? 

We don’t talk about sex enough – with our long-term partners, with our friends – never mind with our dates. 

So I see this period as an exceptional opportunity to establish open communication around what you like, what you don’t like, and how you want it. 

In fact, communication is SO key to having better sex, that this could be the beginning of the best sex you’ve ever had simply because you have set a precedent that talking about what you want is ok.

Getting comfortable with talking about your desires and listening to your partner’s as well can be a challenge. 

It involves letting go of the shame that we’ve learned to associate with sex. 

It also demands a high level of trust. You don’t want to share anything that you are not ready to, not even verbally. Know your boundaries and respect them. You don’t have to be with someone physically to feel violated. 

If it’s just not feeling right, then get out fast. Slam that laptop shut. 

The ‘right’ time is when you both feel ready to up-level on intimacy. We can take a leaf out of the book of long-distance lovers who recommend starting slowly with sexting on WhatsApp (more secure than messaging) and working from there.  

And as in the ‘real world’ make sure you are taking care of yourself through a healthy self-pleasure practice. 

It’s beneficial to let this become habit as healthy sex, whether solo or with someone, boosts the immune system (key right now), allows for emotional expression and improves mental health. 

It takes the pressure off of our unrealistic expectation that our partner should want the same amount of sex that we do at the same time. As if! 

Make sure you’re getting a regular dosage of nourishing solo sex – it’s one of the best things you can do for yourself – and your sex life. 

You don’t have to wait for the coronavirus to pass before moving forward with your personal life. You can do the ground work now to prepare you for the partnership of a lifetime. 

Email me here to sign up for a free 15 minute clarity call: andrea@lushcoaching.com

5 Keys to Creating a Healthy Relationship

Relationships like all things, are cyclical and in constant flux. Sometimes the cycles feel harmonious. And at times turbulent or out of balance. 

Even the most healthy of relationships experience ups and downs throughout their evolution.

What makes the difference between relationships that ‘make it’ and last over time, has everything to do with how the 2 (or more) people in the relationship relate – not only to the other person, but also to themselves. 

As you become more aware of your own internal world and learn how to navigate it, you develop a better chance at creating and staying in a relationship that will feel amazing to experience – despite the challenges that arise. 

So know that if you are single, even if for a very very long time, you do not have to feel that you are standing in place when it comes to your intimate life. 

Here is a list 5 of the key qualities that a healthy relationship has. And practical ways to develop the skills and wisdom to BE in relationship long before it even happens.

1. Remember that you are with a human

Humans: 

• Make mistakes

• Are imperfect and

• Act offensively

Especially when something sets them off (aka they get ‘triggered’). And then that person oversteps your boundaries. 

You know it’s healthy when: 

• Someone’s triggered, offends you and you can manage it without too much stress because

• It happens only occasionally and is not accepted as the norm

• You know your own ‘bottom line’.

  Anything beyond this and your self-esteem and identity take a hit. If that happens then you’d want to and perhaps decide to leave the relationship versus experience it.

How to practice this when you’re single: 

• Notice when you get triggered with family and friends. 

• Understand when they go too far and ask yourself why you got so upset by their behaviour. What about the interaction set you off? 

• Learn how to take care of yourself and come back into balance. 

2. Each partner takes responsibility for themselves

Self-esteem

You hold yourself high, especially during conflict. You understand your worth and your power. You don’t expect your partner to recognize this for you or to hold you up. 

You know it’s healthy when: 

• you show up, pay attention and tell the truth

• you can let go of attachment to the outcome

How to practice this when you’re single: 

Again this is a great one to practice with your closest relationships – family and friends. Notice when you feel you always have to be right. How can you increase your sense of worthiness and empower yourself so that you no longer seek validation or backing from those around you. 

Boundaries / Self-protection

You are responsible for knowing what is right for you. 

And you know what feels like a transgression. 

You both can be good listeners and can stay with what’s being said. Because you know you can keep yourself safe. And let the other person know that they’ve overstepped. 

You know it’s healthy when: 

• You can ask for what you need and want and don’t expect the other to mind read – remember, they’re human! 

• You don’t hide your own reality from your partner.

How to practice this when you’re single: 

Is your ‘No’ as strong as your ‘Yes’ in life. Begin to notice when it’s a ‘hell yes’ for you or a ‘hell no’. And voice your opinion or decision with confidence. You can do this in a small way to start. For example if someone asks you to lunch and suggests a restaurant that you’ve been to a million times, instead of just agreeing, suggest a place that you’d really like to go to instead. 

Don’t be afraid to do so without excuses asking permission. 

Communication

Each person is responsible for sharing their own physical, intellectual, emotional and spiritual reality.

You know it’s healthy when: 

• Learn to express your reality in moderation (minus the drama). 

• You don’t expect the other person to mindread or to tolerate the drama.

How to practice this when you’re single: 

Share with those around you in clear simple language what you are feeling and experiencing so that you feel heard and understood. Own your own experience. Take some time on your own to investigate why you may have responded in the way you did before responding to the situation. 

Asking for support

You each know your needs and wants and can get them met outside of the relationship when your partner is unable to support you. 

You are willing to support the other person as often as possible without doing their ‘work’ for them or sacrificing your own self-care. It’s not one-sided.

You know it’s healthy when: 

• You cultivate other support (friends, family community) that you can lean on when your partner’s response for support needs to be a ‘no’. 

• You can take care of yourself vs getting angry at / punishing the other for not taking care of you

How to practice this when you’re single: 

Recognize that no one person can give you everything and continue to cultivate relationships that you have currently in your life. And continue to do the work on yourself to build an inner world that is resilient to life’s challenges.

3. You can solution for life’s challenges together

As a team, you can focus solutioning without shaming or blaming the other  (eg, If only you’d have...How could you have been so thoughtless?).  When the problem presents itself, focus on finding a way forward. 

You know it’s healthy when: 

• You both take responsibility for doing what you’ve agreed to do to resolve the problem. 

• Neither of you has to be right or wrong – you choose ‘us’ over ‘me’

How to practice this when you’re single: 

Consider where in your life you function as part of a team. How does this attitude of ‘we’re all in it together’ manifest? Or does it? Consider how you might foster more of a sense of collaboration and solutioning together. And how each person might be accountable for their part. 

4. Compromise doesn’t feel so bad

When you have enough self-value, are self-empowered and feel abundant you can let go of needing to get your way all the time. 

You don’t need to manipulate, control or force your partner into being a certain way so you can be comfortable. You stay comfortable by focusing on taking care of yourself. 

Note: Value = power = abundance

When you value yourself, you empower yourself.

Your sense of being able to take care of yourself increases. 

And your self-esteem increases as you learn to make choices in favour of you. 

You know it’s healthy when: 

• You don’t feel that you’ve ‘lost again’. 

• You know that you can still get what you need even as your partner gets what they need too. 

How to practice this when you’re single: 

What situations or relationships are you in where healthy compromise would help move things forward? In this context, how can you increase your sense of inner power and the value you add so that you feel able to compromise? Consider what choices or decisions you can make for you. Watch your self-esteem and sense of safety and comfort increase as a result.

5. Stay ‘in love’ by focusing on the good stuff

Love is indeed a verb. 

You know it’s healthy when: 

• Each of you stays focused on what you love about the other person vs the stuff that drives you mad. 

• The better you are at taking care of yourself, the easier it is to be with the differences of the other person. 

How to practice this when you’re single: 

Gratitude is key here. Stay ‘in love’ with life...and with YOU by appreciating your amazingness and celebrating it all – the big and the small. 

In conclusion, 1+1=3 

Two humans together create a 3rd thing called a relationship. 

When both people in the relationship can tend themselves as much as they tend to the other, a 3rd thing ( let’s call it love ) is able to emerge.

You don’t have to do it all alone! If you have difficulty with any of the practices above, coaching with me can offer crystalline clarity on what is coming up for you and why. And importantly provide the practical tools that you’ll need to create the partnership that you desire. Let’s talk: andrea@lushcoaching.com

Note: The 5 keys are based largely on the work of Pia Mellody in Facing Love Addiction

Create Love – Part 2 : Overcome resistance and roadblocks

Before sitting down to write this, I realised that I ‘needed’ a coffee. And then that the laundry ‘needed’ to be run. Oh, and then I remembered that an email ‘needed’ responding to…and then...and then…

Let’s call this like it is – Resistance!!

Some part of you is resisting your moving forward to getting the love and partnership that you want. 

Resistance can rule your life if you don’t watch out.

So it’s best to learn how to work with it.

If you made it this far, you are ready to actively create the love that you want in your life. You have a clear idea about what that looks like. You may already have started to create that by bringing it into 5D* – embedding it in your mind, body and soul. 

* I explain the importance of 5Ding what you want into all parts of you here: Create Love - Part 1 - The fastest (and surest) way to the relationship of a lifetime.

If you’ve done Part 1, you’ve begun to experience what it will feel like on a daily basis to be in the relationship that you envision. 

And you’ve got a daily practice in place to support you in this. If you follow the 5D model, that’s a daily recording you’re listening to at key moments in the day. 

And then…resistance shows up

What is resistance? 

Maybe you start to ‘forget’ to do your daily practice of listening + feeling. Or you think that you might be better served by more rest and drop back to sleep. 

Those are some of the symptoms of resistance.

Symptoms of resistance can look like:

• Tiredness (my fav…think I need another nap)

• Boredom

• Procrastination

• Busy-ness / no time

• Irritability + crankiness

And then the voices start and you get totally thrown off track:

• You begin to doubt whether it’s even worth it

• If it matters that much

• If it’s really attainable

• And even whether you really want it

And you move from the tangible feeling your future relationship in your hands NOW, to a drop back into your old self (your old vibration) and the old familiar way of being. 

Say what?!!? 

You’ve owned up to the fact that a partnership that lasts is the single-most important thing for you right now – it’s at the top of that long list of desires – and now you’re telling me that you’re not even sure you want it? 

Watch out, because that’s fear and self-doubt at play. NOT what your soul truly wants.

So what is really going on here? 

What is the root cause of the resistance?

It’s super easy to fall back into old beliefs and their corresponding thought and behavioural patterns because like well-paved roads – they feel familiar. And in that familiarity they feel safe.

So whilst we begin to understand how they limit us and our potential for new experiences, we continue to cling to what is safe and familiar.

The obvious problem with continuing down the well-paved road is that it will lead us where we’ve already been and NOT in the new direction. The new direction which will lead us to the new reality of the relationship that we’ve so clearly defined in the 5D process and have begun to feel in our bodies as real and attainable.

Well-paved roads are in fact, sets of learned beliefs and associated emotions from culture, society, our families and other past experiences that want re-writing. 

Resistance is the part(s) of ourselves that are trying desperately to hold on to these old ways and want to continue down the old well-paved roads.

These parts of us buried deep in our subconscious have yet to believe we’ll survive a different way of being.

They need reassurance that the new way we wan to live is going to be ok. And that you’ll survive it.

So how do we access these parts of ourselves that are resisting and show them we are ready to move forward?

The parts of us that carry the old beliefs and associated emotions get stored in our bodies on a physical level. And as such can be accessed through the physical body where we release them and free ourselves.

Talk therapy attempts to do this by accessing the analytical mind and the underlying emotions. As our minds are masterful at spinning stories. Many of us are familiar with the term ‘the monkey mind’ to describe our overactive brains. Getting beneath all the chatter to discover what is truly going on can take anywhere from several months to many years.

Whilst talk therapy can help many people, there is a faster and more direct way to reach the deeper parts of you that are resisting change. And that is through the physical body. 

How to access resistance and can I do it on my own?

You can learn to do this on your own. It’ll take some practice. And it’s much easier to do once you’ve been guided by a coach like me through a process called focusing.

Step 1

You’ll want to get quiet and still like you would in meditation or visualisation practices. Bring your focus inwards and let your eyelids gently close. This will help you really tune in to what is going on in your body.

Step 2

Bring to mind and really feel the emotions and sensory experiences of your 5D reality.

Step 3

Scan your body starting from the top of your head and working your way down. Feel into where the resistance sits – is it a heaviness in your belly? A tightness in your chest? A burning or numbness somewhere in your body?

Step 4

Once you locate the resistance bring your full awareness and attention to that place in you. Drop fully into the physical sensations of it so much so that you feel as if you have become the sensation.

Step 5

Begin to ask this part of your body the following and see what responses bubble up. Don’t try to make sense of it or figure it out, just see what arises:

What is your purpose?

What are you doing for me?

What do you need from me?

What do you need to know in order for me to move forward in life?

The answers that you get are the keys to giving yourself what you need so that you can realise your desire for relationship.

How to move forward

Once you’ve identified what is really going on and have identified what it is that you need to move forward, now it’s time to find a part of yourself that can give you this.

We’ve all got ‘power pieces’ inside of us that can support us in moving forward. There are parts of us that contain the strength and wisdom to support us to move forward in life.

Here’s how to access them:

Step 1

Repeat the body scan you did whilst still holding the vision for your future in your body mind.

This time notice the parts of your body that feel powerful and supportive. Maybe it’s a warming in your belly or a tingling in your arms.

Step 2

As this part of you if it’s willing to give you what was asked for so you can move forward.

Step 3

Have this part of you connect with the part of you that showed up as resistance so that it can ‘see’ you’ve got it covered.

Gently come back to the room and open your eyes.

Write down the ways that you can move from this place of power in your life.

For example, if your power piece showed up in your belly and resistance was in your throat, what are some ways for you to voice your truth or communicate more powerfully when with someone you are attracted to.

Consistently living from your power is what will allow you to create the healthy relationship you want in your life. You’ll be confident, grounded and your magnetism will draw in love.

How can a coach help

I’ve done the best I can to explain the powerful process I bring people through to get very fast results, however it is nothing next to experiencing it with expert guidance.

This is a deep process and requires some degree of connection with one’s own body and internal world – and it is not for everyone. Those who struggle to connect with their bodies and emotions but are open to doing so can be guided however and also experience excellent results.

The skill and experience of my abilities as a coach comes from years of working with this combined with other powerful modalities has proven to perfectly prepare people for exactly what they want – and they get it. Read what they have to say here.

In addition, it takes dedicated practice to pave a new road. I’ll be there with you to ensure that you stay with it and get what you want in life.  

We’ll journey together.

If you’d like to learn more about working with me, send me an email at andrea@lushcoaching.com

I offer free 15 minute intro chats to understand if coaching with me is right for the both of us.

Create Love - Part 1 - The fastest (and surest) way to the relationship of a lifetime

This is the first of a series of posts where I share with you my step-by-step method to help you actively create exactly what you want in the next decade of your life. Yes, the power is in your hands.

Let’s get right to the heart of it – the key to creating what you want in your life, according to neuroscientists + mystics alike, is to feel in your body – physically as well as emotionally and at the level of the mind – what it will be like to experience the thing that you want in your life now. 

Here’s how you can do that.

Step 1 : Write it out

You can begin this as a writing exercise. You’ll be working with your cognitive mind as you do this. The part of your brain that reasons and analyses things. Your mind, so to speak.

And then we’ll take it into your body where the deeper ‘work’ happens (that’s in Step 2). This deeper work is what takes this from a writing exercise which happens on a cognitive level to the deeper parts of your mind, the subconscious, where the actual change will begin to happen.

Our subconscious mind dictates 90% of what we do each day – the choices we make that set us up for creating healthy relationship and thriving. Or for avoiding what’s actually good for us or worse yet, missing it when it’s standing right in front of us.

Consider the following as you write: 

Physical reality (3Ds)

I desire a relationship that… 
Consider they type of person you’d like to be with and the relationship you’d like to have them, from the core values that you share such as trust and honesty, to the things you’ll do together like travelling or cooking. 

Emotional Reality (4th D)

I’ll feel…

Consider how you’ll feel when you have this person in your life. 
What emotions you’ll most experience
What more this person will bring to your life
What you’ll experience differently

Embodied Reality (5th D)

I see / hear / taste / smell / touch or feel…

Consider what will you experience through your 5 senses as you realise the thing you desire. 
Note: When I take my clients through this process they often describe things like the taste of their lover as they kiss them, or the perfume that they are wearing. 

Tip: Write it out by hand. Studies have shown it sticks better when you take pen to paper. 

Step 2: Re-programme mind + body

Now that your cognitive mind is onboard with the love and relationship that you’re going to create, let’s get your subconscious mind lined up too.

Record what you have written and listen to it daily first thing in the morning when you’re in that ‘almost awake’ state. Or as the last thing you listen to right before you drop off to sleep. 

When you’re in this drowsy, super-relaxed state, but not yet asleep, your brain waves are flowing at a frequency called ‘theta’. It’s when you have maximum access to your subconscious even though you are in a semi-conscious state. Now’s the time when you want to re-programme.

Tip: Super power your recording by adding theta wave music to bring you deeper. This will help bring you into a more relaxed focused state which allows your words to sink deeper into your mind to the level of the subconscious.
Your subconscious mind will now begin to work 24/7 with its new programming secured in. It will select instances and influence choices that you make in your everyday life that will support you in creating a new kind of relationship – the one that you know you really want.

Pretty neat, huh? Yeah, I think so too. 

This is what places my coaching practice on the cutting edge – and makes it so effective so fast. This body-based approach incorporates all parts of you on the deepest levels. And sets you up for a new experience of relationships and love. Schedule in a free call with me to speak with me about how you can speed up finding your person through this unique form of coaching.)

Step 3: And repeat. And repeat. And repeat…

You’ll want to listen to your new relationship reality over and over again. I’d recommend 30 to 60 to 90 days. Why?

The programming that you have in you now was formed over a number of years mostly in your early childhood. We got repeated messaging around how we weren’t doing enough or being enough in one way or another and lots of other not so helpful signaling that the relationship and love that we want is attainable by just being ourselves. If you hadn’t you’d have what you want and would not be reading this.

To create a new pathway in your brain that puts you on the route of autopilot (subconscious programming), ‘I deserve what I want in love and am worthy of it and every decision that I make and everything I do is a move in this direction’, will take some time to form.

So wax on, wax off it is. (Karate Kid reference unavoidable)

What’s next?

Note: As you begin to reprogramme, you may notice fear and doubt (aka resistance) show up. 

Resistance can look like that critical voice in your head that tells you you can’t do it, like a heaviness or tiredness suddenly coming on when you’re set to listen to your recording. Or even sit down at all to begin the process.

I teach you how to slay the dragon of resistance in Create Love - Part 2 here.

 
For now, focus on what you want to create – in 5 dimensions.

Ah, and a note on contentment and being ok with what you already have….

Most of us understand by now how important gratitude is to happiness. 

And so I bet you are grateful for what you’ve already experienced in life – the people you’ve got around you, the incredible challenges you’ve overcome and the resulting breakthrough moments, the softness, the warmth and luxuriousness of simple moments. 

And yet you desire more. 
More adventures. More exploration. More growth. 
But especially more love. 

We’re often told that this desire for ‘more’ is a bad thing. We should be content with what we’ve got and where we are at. And if you’re single and pretty happy with your life, you may sometimes ask yourself…but isn’t life pretty good as is? Maybe I don’t need a partner, you might think to yourself. 

And yet we’re here on the planet to experience life and to explore. 

It’s our very nature as humans to want to expand out into as many shapes and forms as we can imagine as we get to know ourselves.

So whilst it’s important to allow for sense of contentment and completion in where you are at now, it’s also only natural that you continue to desire more. 

Especially when that ‘more’ feels in alignment with you expanding as a person – expanding heart, mind and soul.

And relationship is arguably the single best way to continue to challenge yourself, to grow and to expand – certainly in ways that other relationships or your career do not allow for.

And so I ask you, what will expansion look like to you specifically as it relates to partnership and your intimate life?

Katie Phillips on Learning to be Intimate

Katie shares how she drew love in by learning how to love men – and herself.

Wisdom comes in so many forms.

This time it’s shaped in the form of Katie Phillips, transformational coach, self-love expert + author.

Katie is incredible to learn from. One of the best in fact, as she’s internalised now embodies what she’s experienced in love and relationships – the challenges that life has offered her…

To get to know herself better
To learn how to love men rather than hate them 😈
And be intimate with both herself AND THEN with men

So that she could finally receive love
And live it fully.

She is indeed, Daring & Mighty.

I’ve invited Katie to speak with us about her journey and how she’s sharing her wisdom – and that of other women – in a series of very special dinner gatherings for the Daring & Mighty.

How to have better sex: connection + consent with Nichi Hodgson

I want you to jump from two feet into the bedroom, when you feel finally ready to be intimate with a certain someone you might have just started dating. 

And not only that, I want you to have the best sex possible when you do. 

And so, I wanted to break out this bit of a conversation from a video I had posted a few weeks back with Nichi Hodgeson, journalist on all things sexy for the likes of the Guardian and Sky News that will help you to do so.

You see, consent is key to connection. 
And connection is the key to great sex. 

Especially if you are new to dating someone. 

It's key to know what feels good for you – and what doesn't. And to voice it. 
So open communication becomes a foundation to your relationship. 

Nichi breaks consent down for us beautifully in this video.
She explains that consent is deciding ‘Do I want to do this right now with this person?’ 

And then listening to your body and your mind. 
And remembering your values. 
And then deciding do you want to go ahead with it – or not.

We make hundreds of decisions a day and consent to lots of little tiny things whether they feel good or not. 
In fact, many times we ignore what our bodies are telling us because we feel that we ‘have’ to.

For example have you ever sat through work meetings for hours when you’d rather be getting on with what you’ve got to do. Or simple would love to have a stretch and a stroll?

In the video Nichi explains, we’re actually pretty good at ignoring what our bodies want and consenting anyway.
What we don’t do so well is voice when we don’t want something.

So it’s important when you are with someone, to notice how your body feels – and be upfront about it. 
Be firm with yourself if you are not sure and say, ‘Hey could we take a minute?’

Know that you can change your mind.
Buy yourself some time. Get some space
Go to the bathroom for a moment. 

When you come back, be real about what is going on. 
‘I’m having a great time with you but can we do something else instead.’ 

Or suggest something that you’d rather do. 

If words are difficult then put someone’s hand on your body in a way that feels good to be touched. 

A strong ‘No’ is wonderful to hear 
Because when that becomes a strong ‘Yes’ one day, the person you are with knows they can trust it.

It takes a strong ‘No’ to get to a strong ‘Yes’. 
And with a strong ‘Yes’ that can be trusted, deep connection results. 

And connected sex is soooooo good. 

How to know if an open relationship is right for you

I invited Relationship Style Expert Ria Bloom to talk us thru:

• How to know what style of relationship you want

• If you are built more for an open or monogamous relationship

• And what is the foundation for any healthy relationship – no matter how it’s shaped

I wasn’t sure about monogamy when I first met Naz

And neither was he really. 🤯

Perhaps it was the dreaded divorce rate being so high

Or some of the myths out there that predict the inevitable death of love + romance like

Over time the sex gets boring and

The spark just dies

The 7 year itch

You get where I’m going with this. 

So we talked about open relationships 

Which threw wide open my issues with abandonment –

And I owned that

And all the intense emotions that came along with it.

So open relationship wasn’t really going to work for us

Monogamy forever didn’t feel like a complete truth for us either

So we decided on owning 

‘Present-moment Monogamy’ 

(I just made that title up)

With the space for this to change in future 

Should either of us feel it

Relationship style is a choice these days

And making the one that is right for you 

Can be downright confusing

Are you for 

⭐ Classic Monogamy

⭐ Monogamish – the new black

⭐ Pioneering with Polyamory 

🤷‍♀ Or somewhere in between all of that 🤷‍♂

Being upfront about where you stand – whether you are certain or if its something you want to explore – 

Will allow you to start a relationship off with trust, truth and clarity.

And that's the foundation for long-lasting goodness.

Are you asking for too much from someone?

>--> Core values are fundamental

Don't let them slide! Rather, soften around them. 

To determine what your core values in relationship are ask yourself: 

- What moments in my life have fulfilled me + felt meaningful? 

- When do I feel most like myself

- In the times I've felt down, what has been missing?

My core values are: 

Honesty

Open communication

Accountability + Responsibility

Money mindset compatibility

Sense of adventure / curiosity 

>-->Combat perfectionism

Ask yourself:

What do I wish others would see in me? 

What do I wish I had a gentle teacher for? 

Looking inward, we notice that we are not perfect either. 
And that some things take time to uncover. 

And that this may be the buried treasure you've yet to discover in the other.

Boundaries - the unexpected love magnet

We think we're going to lose someone when we say no, that's not ok.

Instead, those worth keeping grow more curious about us. And respect our edges.

We become more powerful in ourselves as we trust ourselves more.

And that powerful sense of knowing is VERY sexy for someone who knows his or her own power as well.

This other person knows that they come to someone who can hold themselves and protect themselves.

And so they are free to love you. Without having to save you. And if they too know their boundaries, have a strong sense of self-respect + love for themselves, they won't expect you to save them either.

HOW TO CREATE + MAINTAIN YOUR (new + sexy) BOUNDARIES

1. Know your desires + values in Relationship – get crystal clear – make a list

Include emotional, physical, mental + spiritual aspects

This is your line in the sand

2. Learn how to say NO - firmly + from your heart

When you are grounded and speak your NO clearly, then your YES becomes clearer as well. (Thank you @Sue Sutherland)

3. Be ok with whatever happens

Know that the trust + respect you demonstrate for yourself is what makes you YOU.

Love yourself knowing that being there for yourself is a great act of self-love.

And anyone who doesn't respect your boundaries, who doesn't first seek to respect you and then understand you, is probably someone you don't want around.

What better filter than this for discerning who's right / wrong for you!!

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