We’re sold the same story over and again – that there is a one fast track to gratifying sex (a.k.a. orgasm) and it looks like this:
It’s as if lovemaking were a sprint to the finish with not much happening before, after...or for that matter even during the act.
It all happens virtually at one speed – fast.
And one intensity (or one energy (as I like to think of it) – hard.
Fast and hard.
And then 💥 EXPLOSION 💥
Within a few glorious (if short-lived) minutes
It’s all over.
Before it’s hardly even begun.
Some say we learned this way of having sex from porn and follows the male sexual response patterning of fast and hard as porn is made mainly made by men for men (though there are notable exceptions).
Others blame Hollywood which supports the culminating moment as a ka-pow! With little else.
The fact of the matter is, the vast majority of us have learned about making love from either or both of these 2 sources.
And wow are they limited as teaching aids.
Lovemaking as a JOURNEY OF DISCOVERY
The journey of lovemaking is, in fact, just that – a journey.
And if you think of the best journeys you’ve been on, you’ll likely tell me that they have been filled with exploration and discovery and adventure.
That there were unexpected twists and turns and unpredictability.
That there were moments that sparkled with excitement and action.
And times where you relaxed back into blissful peace and stillness.
There was a deep connection with yourself and with others through all of it.
And sometimes things worked out as you planned.
And sometimes they didn’t.
But it was all just part of the adventure.
And when you let go enough, there was a natural flow and an organic unfolding that felt right and perfect no matter what happened.
Maximizing pleasure is all about opening up to the possibility of the unknown.
Of the adventure. And experiencing the variety of what comes.
It’s about celebrating whatever happens. Of really being with yourself and the person you are with.
Even if it doesn’t turn out as you’d expected.
The journey looks something like this:
And it can be broken down into 5 distinct stages.
Stage 1 : Desire
“Love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery. Love likes to shrink the distance that exists between me and you, while desire is energized by it. If intimacy grows through repetition and familiarity, eroticism is numbed by repetition. It thrives on the mysterious, the novel, and the unexpected. Love is about having; desire is about wanting. An expression of longing, desire requires ongoing elusiveness. It is less concerned with where it has already been than passionate about where it can still go. But too often, as couples settle into the comforts of love, they cease to fan the flame of desire. They forget that fire needs air.”
Sparkling desire: the first effervescent moments of fires lit and butterflies fluttering
Love…or lust...sometimes shows up in our bodies as a spark.
We’re taken off-guard. It’s unexpected. We feel an instant inexplicable draw towards someone
The butterflies appear as if from out of the blue. Tongues tie. Jaws drop.
Desire can also be slow burning. It can show up as a slow gentle warming. Our curiosity becomes piqued the more we get to know someone
We begin to know them from the inside out
And they become more attractive over time.
However it happens, desire is discovery. Its mystery. Suggestion. Teasing.
It’s an anticipation of exploring the unknown.
Each time you make love, approach it with the mind of an explorer, open and ready to journey into the unknown, whatever that may bring.
Stage 2 : Yang
Yang - Crescendo: eros builds sensual touch developing very gradually into rhythm over time warming bodies, hearts and minds cresting again and again in waves of pleasure
Yang erotic energy is outward going, hot, pointed and directional. In this stage of lovemaking, you are building energy and heat.
This stage begins with sensual, playful, undirected teasing touch, bites and nibbles.
As your turn-on builds, you can spread it throughout your entire body by imagining it travelling from it’s starting point outwards and upwards.
Upwards towards your heart and mind and outwards towards your arms and limbs.
This spreading of your erotic energy (a.k.a. your turn-on) to all parts of your body is what is known as full-body orgasmic bliss.
Note: We tend to get carried away in lovemaking sometimes by the intensity of the bodily sensations and other times into our heads.
Stay present throughout the time you are with someone.
50% of the focus is on you and what you are experiencing, your pleasure.
50% is on them and their experience.
Keep coming back to your body again and again. To the moment.
Maintain eye contact to stay connected to your partner.
And let go of expectations.
Stage 3 : Yin
Yin - Relaxing back: a gentle relaxing back and deepening into the richness of the exquisite moment
Yin erotic energy is soft, receptive, yielding, liquid, expanding. Relaxing back into yin allows for a deepening of erotic experience.
It gives space for pure connection and a savouring of the present moment.
“For sexual union to be fulfilling we need to honor in equal measure, the naturally occurring waves of Yang and Yin that hold the fabric of our formed world together. ”
It allows your body to feel the nourishing pleasure cool as it courses through your bodies.
Only to build again in the next wave.
In yin stages, you can lie with your bodies slightly apart, legs entwined. This allows you to stay connected through soft gaze. You can place your hands on each other’s heart centres. Speak lovingly and gently to each other or not at all. Whatever feels best.
-- Cycle through yin + yang --
Experiment. Try cycling through yin and yang phases a few times. This allows the energy to build, greatly enhancing your experience.
Your pleasure journey might look something like this:
First round yang
Sensual touch. Biting. Licking. Stroking. Caressing. Free-flowing movement. Exploration. Open up heart centre + belly.
Next round yin
Work from outside in coming closer to the sex centre. Allow in more rhythmic movement as free-flow continues. Open up sex centre with direct touch.
Third round yang
Energy builds to overflowing. Spread the energy throughout your body. Rhythmic movement and edging – relax back from the point of no return and orgasm.
Stage 4 : Spilling over // Storing the Energy
Choice point: Spilling over or Store the Energy
Let go and surrender into orgasm OR take the energy that you have generated and store it in your body to be repurposed for whatever you’d like to do in the world.
Spilling over:
Surrender into pleasure and bliss allows for a peak experience. This can be orgasm or orgasmic bliss where you let go completely and allow yourself to dissolve into the pleasure.
Storing energy:
Erotic energy is creative energy and it can be stored, according to the Taoist tradition, by drawing it into one of your power centres (sex centre, heart centre or 3rd eye). You can draw the energy in by imagining it spiralling into one of the these centres in your body.
For more in depth understanding of this practice, contact me and I’ll talk you through it.
Stage 5 : Afterglow
Afterglow: peaceful shimmers...and so...it begins again
Desire is a flame that needs tending to.
And Love is a verb.
A healthy relationship is warmed by the fires of mystery and desire – give space when it’s needed.
And held together by the safety and security of the closeness of love.
Yin. Yang.
Distance. Closeness.
May the sacred dance between us continue.