Most of us know by now that the desire for safety and security in a long-term relationship is counterbalanced with the desire for adventure and excitement.
Too much safety and we feel bored.
Too much excitement and we feel destabilised.
To help you manage the paradox, I break it down and share the components of cultivating each end of the stick.
Cultivating closeness
Closeness in love feels ‘like home’ / security / safety / steadiness / support
Presence
Connection
Communication
Presence
How much of you is ‘in the room’ with the other person. Is your body there but your mind somewhere else? Is your heart in it, but you never have time to actually be with the other?
Presence shows up on the physical, emotional and mental levels. When you are with your partner, be intentional about being there fully so you actually feel together.
Connection
Connection, like presence, happens most when you can be with yourself as much as you can be with the other. If you are connected to your own heart, for example, then it’s possible to connect to the heart of another.
Connection can happen in simple ways that take just a moment, like intentional touch and meeting another’s gaze, holding one another and synchronising your breathing, or through shared activities like dancing together.
Communication
Communication that is open, honest and raw in its truthfulness is key. And it’s one of the most difficult things to do in intimate relationships when we feel there is so much at stake. What makes open communication possible is cultivating the ability to recognize when you get triggered, understand why it’s happening, hold yourself through it or take time out, and respond from a place of steadiness.
It sounds simple and is one of the most challenging things for most people, so if you struggle with it then get in touch and we’ll talk about how to work through it.
Cultivating distance
Distance in love supports eros, desire, passion, adventure / challenge
Autonomy and purpose
Community (yep, community is sexy!)
Newness
Autonomy and purpose
There is nothing more attractive than when a person stands in their own power and knows their purpose – or is on their way to determining it. When we see our potential partner standing forward, aligned and centered in their core, clear on what they stand for even if they aren’t quite sure of which way to go with it, then we both admire and desire them.
Community
We are complex beings, us humans. And as strong and powerful as we are, we are not here to do this thing called life alone. Yes, it is important that your intimate partner is there for you. It’s also important that you have a reliable network of close friends and / or family to reach out to. And in addition, a looser community or group of people that you come to to share in activities, interests, business building, etc.
When you have a wide base of support around you, you feel more space and freedom to love the person you are closest to. And they feel able and capable of being there for you. And when they can’t (because we’re human), you have a net to fall into.
Newness
Stay curious. About life. About love. About the other person. If you approach life with curiosity, inquisitiveness and a desire to learn, explore and understand more, then living this with your partner becomes part of the growth and expansion that is available for you to experience both individually and together. Get out there. Try new things. Do them together. Do them separately then come together and share your experience. It’s part of our nature as humans to grow and evolve. Make this not only part of who you are but part of your relationship too.
Explore. And don’t stop.
Ester Perel’s work has illuminated this understanding beautifully. And is in part the inspiration for this post.