How to talk about sex in early stage dating

The biggest mistake I see people make (and that I made myself) when it comes to dating, is avoiding the very conversation that could lead to deeper, more meaningful connection, better sex in the short and long run, and fewer regrets overall.

And that conversation is quite simply: Talking about sex

I get it, talking about getting it on in the bedroom (or any other room for that matter) can feel awkward, clinical, or even risky. 

“But Andrea, what if I scare them off? What if they think I’m “too much”? Aren’t I being too much? It feels like too much”, I hear you say in worried tones. 

But here’s the truth: The relationships that thrive are the ones where people dare to have these conversations anyway. And early on.

And here’s what happens when we avoid these talks:

• We end up with misaligned expectations (one person wants casual sex and an easy, open relationship whilst in the early dating stage, the other wants more commitment and monogamy – from the start).

• We fake enjoyment and pretend readiness or suppress our need to take things more slowly – just to keep the peace.

• We miss out on the chance to build real intimacy—the kind that comes from being seen and heard, understood and acknowledged, and respected and accepted for who we are and where we’re at.

That last one is a big one. A true game changer. 

What to Do Instead

Talk About Sex Before You Have It

Waiting until you’re already in bed to discuss boundaries or STI status is like waiting until you’re on the plane to ask if the pilot is licensed. 

And de-couple talking about sex (not necessarily a sexy conversation and it doesn’t have to be), to actually having it when you’re both ready (very sexy). 

Discuss sex in a low-pressure setting, like at lunch or over afternoon coffee. Try: “I really love how open we’ve been so far. It would be great if we could open up a conversation about having sex when we’re both ready. How do you feel about that?”

Normalize the Awkwardness

Awkwardness isn’t a sign that something’s wrong—it’s a sign you’re being human. Lean into it with humor or vulnerability: “Okay, this might feel a little awkward, it certainly does to me, but it’s important to me. So I’d rather be awkward now than uncomfortable later.”

Prioritize Compatibility Over Chemistry

Chemistry is the spark, but compatibility is the fuel. Ask questions early on, like: “I’d love to learn more about you. What’s something you’ve learned about yourself from past relationships when it comes to sex or intimacy?”

Silence isn’t consent, and it isn’t communication. During and after sex, ask: “How does this feel for you?” or “Is there anything you’d want more or less of?”

Reject the “Cool Girl/Cool Guy” Myth

Stop pretending to be “chill” or “low-maintenance” about sex. Give yourself permission to have preferences—and to voice them.

Recovering people pleasers out there, this one is for us especially. 

Why This Matters for You

At this stage in life, many of us are done with games, guesswork, and settling. We want relationships that feel authentic, passionate, and aligned. That starts with having the courage to speak up—about what we want, what we don’t, and what we need to feel safe and satisfied.

Sexual communication isn’t a test—it’s a skill. And like any skill, it gets easier with practice.

You don’t have to be perfect at it, you just have to do it.

Wax on. Wax off.

If you still struggle with talking about sex, let’s have a conversation about how I can help.

3 ways to open up to pleasure – feel more, be more, love more

‘Shall we put a song on?’, I ask her through the ether. 

My intern and I had been heads down focused and working for a few hours, each of us separately together via Zoom as one does. 

The air was dense with concentration and focus and was beginning to feel a bit too heavy. I was dragging.

‘Unless you don’t want me to,’ I added when she didn’t reply straight away.

I was afraid that the 2 minute dance breaks between our longer work segments might make her uncomfortable. 

We’d just begun working together a few short weeks ago, after all and it must feel quite unusual for your boss to suggest you dance – at work in the middle of the day – when there was so much to do. 

‘No no, it’s good!’ She replied, prying her gaze from the computer screen. 

And so I chose a throwback from my Spotify list. And off we were, out of our chairs and groovin’ to the beat. 

Those two minutes of moving our bodies, reconnecting with our physical selves and getting out of our heads for just a few moments throughout the day are simply golden. 

It feels luscious and delicious to reconnect to the simple pleasure of being here and now, alive in the world.

When we both sat back down again to dive deep into our next work segment, we felt not only refreshed and revived

But there was space created for inspiration and joy to come back again into the work we were doing. We would continue to do our best work with greater focus.

So why is it so difficult for us to allowing pleasure into our lives when we THRIVE as a result. 

We keep ourselves from feeling full pleasure not just in our work lives, but unbelievably also in dating, love and relationships – the place where we hope to…expect to experience it most.

Resisting pleasure in sex, love and relationships shows up as: 

• The incredible guy I coached this week who holds back from initiating lovemaking in bed with his gorgeous wife...and she wonders if they should stay together

• The woman I spoke to who never revealed to her best male friend how much he means to her…and then feels her heart break when he tells her that he’s begun a relationship with someone else

• And me, well…I find myself holding back from pleasure too. Most recently in worrying that I might be asking for too much in my relationship and push my partner away by doing so. 

When I recently shifted this dynamic with my partner with the support of an incredible couples coach, I realised that I had been inadvertently denying my partner pleasure too – the pleasure of stepping up to the meet me where I deeply desired to be met. (Yes, the best coaches out there get coached too.)

• I am now continually surprised and delighted by the joy with which my partner has shown greater affection and love for me now that we’ve stepped into a higher level of commitment together.

• The guy I coached has discovered the deeper underlying fears that keep him from stepping fully into pleasure and connecting intimately with the person that he loves the most. And is moving beyond them, knowing that there’s immense potential for pleasure with life lived at 100%.

• And whilst it is yet to be determined whether platonic love will be realised with this particular fellow, the woman that I spoke to has shifted her focus to her own pleasure, what she needs most and is now navigating her next right move from this place of centred grounded presence. 

And so I have learned that pleasure is not only conducive to creativity and joy of being, it is also an excellent indicator of what possibilities and love and intimacy might open up when we turn towards it. 

Will you?

If the answer I hear from you is a hesitant, yes but…it’s understandable.

What makes it so difficult to open up to pleasure? 

Here are 3 common reasons why we hold ourselves back from pleasure: 

We’ll lose control if we let go and experience pleasure…and that’s definitely dangerous

Opening up to pleasure requires just that, opening up. And opening ourselves to another can feel incredibly vulnerable when we’re not quite sure of what the outcome may be. Better to stay clamped down (at least by 40% like the guy I’ve written about above) so as not to wander too deep into the waters of the unknown and risk the overwhelm of not knowing what to do should things not go well. 

It can feel literally life-threatening. 

If we learned very early on in life that the unknown or unpredictable is best dealt with by shutting ourselves off from it all at least in part, then that coping mechanism in dealing with the unknown can also show up in bed however many decades later.  

Only with a very solid sense that no matter what happens when we reveal our heart’s desire, it will all be ok can we take a risk and follow our desire. This solid sense (some call it a sense of safety, some security, some sureness), often must be experienced on a bodily level as much as a mental and emotional one. 

And so working with your body and your mind to let your whole self know that it’s safe to open up, is the core skill that wants honing. 

We might get hurt or rejected if we go for the pleasure we want, it’s better to stay safe

It’s risky to reveal what you want. You might fear that it could tip the balance in an existing relationship, a balance that’s been built up over years. And cause a rupture that may not be able to be repaired. After all, once a truth is spoken it can not be taken back. And what if that truth is not accepted? Or that we are judged in our wanting? What then? The entire nature of our relationship may change leaving us…perhaps alone. 

Or it could leave you feeling ashamed or embarrassed and rejected if your sentiments aren’t returned. You might lose a friend you harbor deeper feelings for, like the woman I wrote about above. Or be left wondering if you’ll ever find someone who wants the same things as you do. 

And yet it’s by embracing and sharing our deepest truths that allows others to see and experience us for who we truly are. And fall in love with the ‘real’ us. Over and over again. 

Fully accepting ourselves for who we are and what we desire is a way of moving closer the pleasure of our fullest expression in our relationship. It enables us to feel a sense of true freedom even as we’re together with another in a committed relationship. 

We might get lost in bliss – or it’s opposite, misery – never to return again! 

What if we truly did live life in the fulness of pleasure. What hidden desires might we discover that we’ve been repressing or pushing down all of this time? How might it change how we date, or experience relationships? 

Will we still fit into the social circles that we belong to? Will we be accepted and loved for who we are and how we are? 

Would we ever get anything done at work?

And then, if we open ourselves up to feeling things fully, we will inevitably also feel more difficult emotions as well.

Feeling is feeling.  

And allowing yourself the space to experience a more full range of emotions can take some practice. Especially if you’re not used to it. 

Know that there are ways to begin feeling again that happen slowly and in right time so that you don’t shift into overwhelm and close down even further. 

Emotional resilience, some call it. And in my experience it’s a body, heart and mind practice. All of us feels. All parts of us. And so we want to learn how to work with all parts of us to open to feeling, and pleasure in healthy ways. 

It is possible to feel pleasure fully and survive it! 

I’d be thrilled to show you the way. 

If you feel called to a life and love more full of pleasure, I’d be delighted to support you to experience it more fully – in sex, love, relationships or in life (including work life). 

Write me and let’s begin a conversation about how I can help you get there. 

How to create more love in your life

Fatefully for our chances of happiness, in the Romantic ideology, love is understood to be an enthusiasm, rather than what it really is: a skill that needs to be learnt.

-Alain de Botton

There is some kind of wisdom in this quote by philosopher Alain de Botton. 

So much of what we understand as love has been dictated to us from a young age through the filters of society and culture and what we experienced as kids in (or out of) the arms of our closest caretakers. 

And so what we learn about love and it’s expression gets transcribed into so many often indecipherable languages – from gestures of affection that feel like the opposite (pigtail tugs…ouch!) and other contradictory behaviours (ever been ghosted by someone so into you they got spooked and vanished?

Or snap at your lover with a tone of voice you’d dare not use on a stranger?).

Love can end up feeling like something quite perplexing indeed. 

We know that love in its purest form does not have to be learned, contrary to Alain’s truth.  

It’s expression, yes. 

But Love’s essence is experienced. Not learned. 

Every day is full of love

Waiting there for us 

When we remember turn towards it

Open up to it

And share it with another

Move through these questions to cultivate more love in your life :

• When have you felt love the most (amplify these in your life)

• When have you felt love the least (decrease this in your life)

• What helps you/ what do you need to know to be true to open your heart to love (considering the above answers)

I see you, gorgeous soul.

Tripping alongside me with intention that determines everything

Dancing along with determination to be love, to know it, to live it – and share it

Laughing at the beauty of the journey

When we remember it is so. 

The 4 Attachment styles: Discover yours – and change it

“What do you mean I’m avoidant…I’d do ANYTHING…for a relationship right now. 

Avoiding one is the last thing I’m doing, it’s just that…”

And herein would begin the looooooong list of reasons why it was so hard to find love, the right kind of love. 
From…There just aren’t that many single guys my age out there anymore. 

To a list of expectations that a potential partner have x, y and z all in place when he first appears in front of me, otherwise I’m not going to waste my time on another dead-end date. 
The actual reasons why I was single for so many years sat much deeper within me. And learning about my main attachment style (avoidant) was like a wake-up call to it. 

Turns out that it all wasn’t so black and white, however. 
Because the minute someone ticked a good number of my boxes and showed a possible interest in me, this love ‘avoidant’ shifted swiftly over into the ‘anxious attacher’ mode. 
I’d begin to ask myself an incessant stream of questions like: 

Would he call again? Would there be a second date? What if he moved back to…what if I moved back to…what if it worked out…what if it didn’t.

Sound familiar? 

Turns out many of us exhibit a mash-up of styles when it comes to attachment and love. 

In this post, I’ll cover some of the main characteristics of the four different attachment styles. And how your style might show up in how you date and experience love. 

The 4 attachment styles

Avoidant attachers

• Appear independent, confident, and self-sufficient and avoid strong displays of closeness and intimacy.

• Will let you be around them, but will not let you in as they have difficulty sharing intimate details of their lives.

• As soon as things get serious they tend to close themselves off and start drifting off and distancing themselves or

• Begin to find faults with their partner or get annoyed by them. 

• They believe that they do not need emotional intimacy in their lives.

Anxious attachers

• Harbor strong fears of rejection or abandonment, have low self-esteem and need reassurance that they are loved, worthy, and good enough.

• Appear clingy, desperate, preoccupied as relationships might be both ‘life-saving’ and ‘life-threatening’ and can feels like you are on an emotional roller-coaster ride all the time

• The presence of a romantic partner appears to be a remedy for strong emotional needs

• Blinded by potential partners and put them on a pedestal choosing not to see what’s really there, have difficulty discerning and go on too many dates when writing is on the wall.

• Intensely jealous or suspicious of their partners and are insecure and anxious about their own worth in a relationship.

Disorganised attachers

• People who have been physically, verbally, or sexually abused in their childhood struggle to trust others and develops when the child’s caregivers – the only source of safety – become a source of fear.

• Moves between and lives aspects of both avoidant and anxious styles

• Desires love and acceptance but at the same time holds a deep fear that those closest to them will hurt them

• Believes that rejection, disappointment, and hurt in relationships are expected and inevitable – it’s just a matter of when

• Holds a negative view of themselves, others and the world around them 

Secure attachers

• Stays around long enough to understand whether the person is right for them or not by regulating emotions and feelings and holds an inherent optimism and positivity.

• Knows when to call it quits if the other person doesn’t rise to meet them e.g. asks the avoidant to make more time and share more; asks the anxious attacher to self-hold around fear of being left or unloved. 

• Knows how to connect and communicate clearly and open up and share feelings vulnerably when things feel off. Comfortable with closeness and mutual support and dependency. And also time alone for personal exploration.

• Knows what they are about in life, their impact and the purpose they want to fulfill outside of the relationship whilst also recognizing the value and importance of intimate connection and healthy relationships. 

• Strong capacity to reflect on how they are being in a relationship and make shifts and changes to strengthen love and inspire desire. 

Go deeper

Questions for contemplation: 

• Which of these four attachment styles feel most congruent with your experience of dating and love?

• Can you recognise the attachment style of those you have dated or had a relationship with? 

• How might being aware of attachment styles begin to shift how you date, love or relate to others? 
  

Work with me

Work with me one-to-one or check out my group coaching programme Roadmap to Relationships where you learn powerful tools and practices to move into a more secure way of relating.

It still does feel a bit ironic that I had a predominantly ‘avoidant’ attachment style when love was the thing that I wanted most in my life. 

The good news is, I changed it. Found love. And am still in it. And so can you. 

Further reading:

If you want to read and learn more on Attachment Theory then I recommend these excellent resources which informed this post:

The Attachment Project

Polysecure by Jessica Fern

Can you really 'have it all' in love?

“I disagree with those who say ‘you can really have it all’ when it comes to relationships,” she said.

“There’ll always be a catch,” insisted another woman in our circle.

And then left unspoken but loud as a bell, “So is what I want even worth trying for if it’s impossible to have?”

My answer:

YES there will always be ‘challenge’ in relationships.

YES there will always be ‘a catch’…or two…three, but at least one big one.

And HELL YES healthy intimate relationships are still worth it – BECAUSE OF, not despite of all of that

You see, what often challenges us in relationships is stuff within us that wants to be seen and healed. 

Stuff that only comes forward when we're dating or in an intimate relationship. 

And so love, or even the promise of love, offers us a unique opportunity to see what wants to be seen. And to learn and grow from it so that we ultimately become more of who we truly are. 

Love demands we turn towards the tough stuff and get real with it.

When you do, you often get to know parts of yourself that you've not seen before. 

And practice important stuff like defining and keeping boundaries, asking for what you want and receiving what you need, learning to be more vulnerable with another and creating the safety and space for them to do the same. 

And if you work with the challenges, the catch skilfully, with great awareness, and sometimes with external support (yep, from coaches like me) you’ll end up feeling more fully YOU, more whole and complete. 

THIS I believe, is where ‘wholeness’ in relationships comes from.

It's less (if at all) about the other person ‘completing you’, and much more about the other person helping you to see and become more of who you truly are as you are with the things surface between you.

And this sense of true wholeness can not be taken away, no matter what happens in love.

You are always 100% you. <3

PS. If you’re thinking to yourself, ‘Sounds great but what exactly do I do when I feel ‘the challenge’ in dating and relationships’, the answer is to develop the self-awareness, practical skills and tools necessary to navigate ‘the catch’’ when it shows up.

And I’m here to help with this.

Whether you are single and dating or in a long-term relationship, one-to-one coaching with me is a way for you to gain all of the wisdom and guidance you'll need to find, keep and thrive in the kind of love you want.

Message me and let’s talk about getting you the love you want.

Modern Love = Closeness + Distance. How to manage the paradox of intimacy

Most of us know by now that the desire for safety and security in a long-term relationship is counterbalanced with the desire for adventure and excitement. 

Too much safety and we feel bored. 

Too much excitement and we feel destabilised. 

To help you manage the paradox, I break it down and share the components of cultivating each end of the stick.

Cultivating closeness

Closeness in love feels ‘like home’ / security / safety / steadiness / support

• Presence

• Connection

• Communication

Presence

How much of you is ‘in the room’ with the other person. Is your body there but your mind somewhere else? Is your heart in it, but you never have time to actually be with the other? 

Presence shows up on the physical, emotional and mental levels. When you are with your partner, be intentional about being there fully so you actually feel together. 

Connection

Connection, like presence, happens most when you can be with yourself as much as you can be with the other. If you are connected to your own heart, for example, then it’s possible to connect to the heart of another.

Connection can happen in simple ways that take just a moment, like intentional touch and meeting another’s gaze, holding one another and synchronising your breathing, or through shared activities like dancing together. 

Communication

Communication that is open, honest and raw in its truthfulness is key. And it’s one of the most difficult things to do in intimate relationships when we feel there is so much at stake. What makes open communication possible is cultivating  the ability to recognize when you get triggered, understand why it’s happening, hold yourself through it or take time out, and respond from a place of steadiness.

It sounds simple and is one of the most challenging things for most people, so if you struggle with it then get in touch and we’ll talk about how to work through it. 

Cultivating distance

Distance in love supports eros, desire, passion, adventure / challenge

• Autonomy and purpose

• Community (yep, community is sexy!)

• Newness

Autonomy and purpose

There is nothing more attractive than when a person stands in their own power and knows their purpose – or is on their way to determining it. When we see our potential partner standing forward, aligned and centered in their core, clear on what they stand for even if they aren’t quite sure of which way to go with it, then we both admire and desire them.  

Community

We are complex beings, us humans. And as strong and powerful as we are, we are not here to do this thing called life alone. Yes, it is important that your intimate partner is there for you. It’s also important that you have a reliable network of close friends and / or family to reach out to. And in addition, a looser community or group of people that you come to to share in activities, interests, business building, etc. 

When you have a wide base of support around you, you feel more space and freedom to love the person you are closest to. And they feel able and capable of being there for you. And when they can’t (because we’re human), you have a net to fall into. 

Newness

Stay curious. About life. About love. About the other person. If you approach life with curiosity, inquisitiveness and a desire to learn, explore and understand more, then living this with your partner becomes part of the growth and expansion that is available for you to experience both individually and together. Get out there. Try new things. Do them together. Do them separately then come together and share your experience. It’s part of our nature as humans to grow and evolve. Make this not only part of who you are but part of your relationship too.

Explore. And don’t stop. 

Ester Perel’s work has illuminated this understanding beautifully. And is in part the inspiration for this post.

How the stories you tell yourself keep you from love – and how to change that

It hit me like a cold, hard slap in the face. 

‘Is that the story you’re telling yourself?, she asked me.’

What the f*ck did she mean, ‘the story.’

I had recounted the cold, hard, facts truthfully to my coach…facts which stung, btw.

Facts like: 

> I had been on date after date after date. Well over 100. 

> I had liked …ok not that many… but actually enough of those men I’d have happily gone on 2nd dates with to see where it might lead. 

> And none of these dates had gone anywhere. 

Based on the facts

The evidence so painfully and clearly written before me

Year after year

Failed date after failed date

I had come to the conclusion that 

• I’m just not that good with men

• I’m just not attractive in that way

• And anyway, I’m better on my own

I do good as ‘me’, single, independent, balanced, happy. 

The end. 

That was my story. 

And it’s the same story that I hear from clients over and over again. 

Except that I couldn’t accept the ending of the story – and neither do the people I work with.  

The ending being

Living our lives.

Alone. 

Forever. 

The truth is, until we learn how to shift our stories

Learn how to look at the past differently

And tell a new story about it

Based on new truths

Things simply do not change. 

So that there’s more possible endings…and beginnings

Things don’t change. 

‘So tell me what else is true,’ my coach asked. 

Errrmmmm well … I was hesitant. 

The truth was, it felt more comfortable being the victim of my story than writing any other role for myself in it. 

I could feel my heels digging in. 

I felt tired. Exhausted. 

Like some sort of inner battle was waging 

But I couldn’t see clearly who was fighting. 

My story served me. 

It made me feel powerful.

It reminded me that ‘I could ‘do life’ on my own and be just fine.’

But was telling this same story over and over again, helping me now? 

HELL no.

So I began to re-write the story, however reluctantly. 

‘I had a pretty good time on that date and I thought it went well but I’ve not heard back from him and he didn’t reply to my text so….maybe…

> He really liked me and kind of freaked out

> He went on the date even though he’s not really ready for a relationship

> He’s got something going on I can’t see, but I’m going to trust this is for the better

> Maybe, just maybe, it’s about him and not about me. 

The old story would have sounded like: 

> I’m just not that attractive to men. 

> I should have been more __________ (fill in blanks). 

> Maybe I was too ____________(fill in blanks). 

> Why is it easier for __________(fill in various names of other women who seemed good at this)

Now don’t get me wrong, I still knew that I’d have to change or shift things within me if I wanted to see different results in love and life. 

After all, I was the common denominator, the main character in this lifetime of stories. 

And I knew that I had to do things differently. 

But the changes I needed to make looked different than I’d imagined. 

Starting with this thing about storytelling. 

So I began to write new stories for myself

Beginning with small edits to the script (because changing the whole damn story all at once didn’t feel good to me). 

As I edited my story over and over again, new possibilities emerged. 

Possibilities like: 

> Maybe it’s not all about me, maybe it’s about them too

> I hold a unique flavour of beauty, and I’m attractive in my own way (once I owned this one from the inside out, it became my new normal – I turned heads and knew I was alluring)

> It’s great to know that I’m ace at being single and can ‘do this’ on my own, so it’s ok to take a risk and open myself up more. I can always go back to being single if it doesn’t work out. 

Now, after years of focus on self-development and through professional study, I know that the way that I was telling my story and how I felt about it are a normal part of human functioning.

And though normal, not one that we have to submit to once we are aware of what is going on. 

So if you feel stuck when it comes to relationships and love, begin to ask yourself the following questions

To detect whether you are telling yourself a story

To see if there might be an opportunity for you to ‘change the script’

And actively create possibilities for a new ending

• What story do you find yourself telling over and over again about love, relationships and sex? Do you sound like a broken record? If yes, welcome to your story.

• What do you insist on as true?

• Which truths serve and empower you?

• Which ones feel limiting and debilitating?

• What would you say to the part of you that holds on to fear? To the part of you that wants to dream?

• What becomes possible when you begin to look at things differently?

• What opportunities open up?

New stories will, at the very least, break a pattern of thought that has long held you back. 

They will pave the way for and open you up to new possibilities. 

So that you might actually get the ending to the story that you want. 

Let me help you become aware of the stories you’re telling yourself and support you in the process of writing new ones in a way that feels grounded, realistic and true to you. 

Sign up for a 15 minute chat with me and we’ll talk about how.

And if you want to learn about why / how our brains craft and interpret stories, here’s the neuroscience on it.

If you feel out of practice in the bedroom, here’s how to boost your confidence

If you’re feeling out of practice when it comes to the art of intimacy, know that you are not alone. 

I work with many women and men both who have spent much of their adult lives single, and / or have had long stretches of voluntary abstinence from sex. These gorgeous, sexy people often feel that they don't have enough experience to ‘perform’ in a way that they felt their potential mate might expect from someone their age.

If this was not the case for you before the pandemic, it may be so now post 18 months more or less of restrictions from intimate connection due to Covid. I was recently asked by the Metro to comment on this.

So here are some ways that you can feel more confident in the bedroom whether you’ve had loads of experience (and now feel ‘out of shape’) or none at all. 

Experience doesn't really matter

How two people are intimate with each other is unique and the way your needs, wants and desires are met translates into a unique intimate experience. 

Considering this, you will never recreate the same experience you’ve had with one person, with someone else. 

What's important is for you and your partner to build your own relationship of trust and intimacy based on your mutual connection.

How you love is what makes you unique

Expression of love and intimacy is a beautiful thing and the qualities that make you unique - maybe even the things that you see as weaknesses - are what draw people to you. Give space to the evolving trust and recognise the strength that lies in your own qualities.

Allow for the unknown

It's normal to be fearful of what might - or might not happen. But you should also allow for and embrace the unknown because that's the space where excitement and anticipation and desire flourish.

Let the cat out of the bag

If you feel awkward or hesitant about being intimate with someone again after a long time, it can actually bring you closer if you share what you are feeling. It’s highly likely that the other person shares your sentiment. Or is experiencing some hesitation and uncertainty. 

If you are courageous enough to name your experience, even if it feels vulnerable and scary, then know that this often builds trust, safety and connection. Key elements to having better sex. Especially if what you want is an experience that is connected and pleasure-filled. 

Rediscover your own intimacy

It's important that you connect and reconnect intimately with your own body to understand what you need or want, and the physical responses that such intimacy triggers. 

This helps to encourage confidence and makes the invitation to someone to share that space with you much easier

Take all the time you need

Most people who have not had an intimate relationship for some time lack confidence. It's okay to take things slowly. Begin with simple touches and gestures that allow you to learn about each other's responses and don't create pressure to 'perform'.

Remember, you're not alone

If you would like support in building confidence in the bedroom and / or would like to expand your experience of pleasure, do get in touch and book in a discovery call. I support men and women both in this in both one-to-one coaching as well as through powerful group work.

You are not alone.

All about lube Part 2 - What is the right kind to use when

If you’re anything like me, you are super careful about what you put into or onto your body.

I prefer natural, organic, chemical-free products because yes, my body is a temple.

And so, whilst I prefer to use natural oils like coconut as lube, it’s not the best choice for everyone.

Choose your lube carefully depending on whether you’re going for a sexy experience with a toy or condoms, and how your body reacts to whatever you put on it or in it.

Here’s what medical herbalist and natural intimate lubricant creator Kathie Bishop has to say about which lube to choose.

Do I need a different type of lube if I'm using a toy versus sex with a condom versus no protection with a trusted partner?

In general, the answer is yes. There are four main types of lubricant available and they each have their own features:

Water

Good for use in virtually all situations, water based lubricants are safe for use even with condoms and toys and generally won’t stain the sheets… Might not be long lasting enough though for anal play (the anus doesn’t have a mucosal lining, and therefore doesn’t produce any of its own lubrication so always needs generous lubricant application).

Silicone

Also long lasting and often hypoallergenic, this can be more suitable for water based play and anal sex. Definitely not suitable for use with toys!

Hybrid

These lubes are water based with a small amount of silicone, making a creamy texture, which combines the best aspects of both types, long lasting lubrication and versatility. Some maybe suitable for use with toys but always to do a patch test first!!!

Oil

Very long lasting, great for low reapplication rate, an oil based lube can be great for massage too – just not for condom use! It can also play havoc with the vaginal pH.

What kind of lube is right for me + how can I decide?  

There are a few factors that you might want to consider when choosing your lube such as what you want to use it for, where and with whom/what. And don’t forget, you can buy more than one for use in different situations!

Do you have any sensitivities?

Many women know if they have any vaginal sensitivities or irritation, but some women only realise when they have a reaction to a product. If you do have these kinds of sensitivities, look for lubes that avoid glycerine or promises such as warming, flavour or tingling etc. Instead look for a lube that promises to be pH balanced to intimate pH of between 3.8 – 4.5, and has an osmolarity of less than 380mOsm/kg – meaning that it will not dry out vaginal tissues.

You may also want to avoid lubes with any of these ‘nasties’ as ingredients.

Is natural important to you?

Vaginal mucosa is some of the most absorbent tissue of the body – meaning that a high percentage of what goes on it, gets into the bloodstream. You should be totally fine with whatever lube you use to get into your mouth too! With this in mind, are natural, non-toxic ingredients important to you? Check the full ingredients list. Some products call themselves natural, and do have some natural ingredients in, but just not their full list. Know what you’re putting in your body using the info here.

Do you use any barrier method contraception?

In this case you should be using a water or silicon based lube.

Are you trying to conceive?

Then make sure you use a lube that is pro-conception – the pH of sperm is much higher (at around pH6) and a pro-conception lube will have matching pH. It is worth bearing in mind that these lubes may irritate your vagina because of these pH issues.

Are you going to go anal?

A silicone or thick water based lube may be better here. Silicone lasts longer than a water based one, and oil wouldn’t be suitable here due to the use of condoms (a barrier method is a good idea here to prevent the transmission of any potential HIV).

Are you using a toy?

Then make sure you use a water based, not a silicone based lube, as silicone based ones could depredate the surface of a toy, especially if its made from silicone – if in doubt, go with a water based one.

As you can see, there’s a lot more to gain from using the right lube and lots of experimentation and fun to be had! Introduce lube into your intimate encounters as you would any other idea, with confidence. And enjoy!!

Kathie Bishop MNIMH is a medical herbalist and the founder of Into the Wylde, an award winning natural intimate lubricant brand that is registered with the Vegan Society and The Soil Association.

She also runs the clinic The Wylde Herbalist, where she helps women transform their vaginal health. She firmly believes that lube is for every women, not just around and beyond menopause, and that everything is better with right one. 

Photo by Jeremy Bishop on Unsplash

How to talk about sex in a new relationship

The following post has been made into a very sexy and much more complete and pleasurable to read eBook which you can download here.

The idea that someone should just be able to ‘feel into you’ and if they can hit all your spots, they must be ‘the right one’ is a myth.

Please know that if you talk about sex in super early stage dating, you’re not going to ‘mess it up’. Though I get it. The early days, weeks and months of dating someone new can feel super tenuous.

You might feel like one wrong move will send the whole house of cards tumbling. 

And so you kind of mosey into sex for the first time under the foggy cloak of suggestiveness and feeling like it’s ‘going to happen’.

And in doing so have seriously threatened your chances of having the best sex now and forever with this person.

Because studies have shown that couples that are able to talk openly about sex, are the ones that experience the best sex. 

And this talking wants to happen early. 

And I mean super early. 

Because let’s just say it like it is, very few people are mind-readers – paranormal powers remain relatively rare amongst us humans today. 

And whilst communication can happen beyond words, through movement towards or away or encouraging sounds, even if you’re good with non-verbal cues, you may be missing out on more than you might think. 

If you want to know how your partner likes to be touched and where, where their boundaries are, what works for them and what doesn’t, then you need to ask. 

Everyone is different. So even if you’ve been the most incredible lover on the planet in the past, everybody and every ‘body’ is different. And what works for one person may not work for another. 

The more information you have to work with, the better you can support the other person in experiencing pleasure and share in their joy. And help them understand you and your body so they can do the same for you. 

If you want to have good sex – to give pleasure and receive it – you need to communicate both your own wants, needs, and desires to your partner, and to ask them what works for them as well.

What should be talked about, exactly? 

What is the best way to bring it up in the first place?

And how to deal with the awkwardness of it all? 

Here are some guidelines on how to have the conversation. And move beyond the initial awkwardness, in the name of great sex for all involved. 

How do I bring it up? It’s so awkward.

Sex is a part of life. It’s natural. It’s healthy. 

And yet, society, culture and religion have coded into us that it’s shameful to speak about openly – even with those that we are hoping to be intimate with. 

We can have sex more easily than we can talk about it. 

And the price of this is quiet frustration, fumbling, and fear which put a big damper on our level of enjoyment under the covers. 

Talking about sex will feel awkward at first for most, so know you are not alone. So be kind to yourself. No judging or criticising yourself for having things come out differently than you planned. 

Know that like with most things, the more you do it the easier it gets. 

How to make it easier: 

Call yourself out. If it feels weird or you are unsure about talking openly about sex early on in dating, say so. This can help defuse the emotional charge. 

‘It feels a bit awkward to talk about this, but it’s important to me to share with you what’s coming up for me around getting closer to you. Would you be up for a conversation about sex?’

‘It might be a bit too early to have this conversation, but it feels better for me to bring it up now as things move forward with us. Would you be open to a conversation about us sleeping together?’

‘I know most people don’t talk openly about sex before they have it, and I feel a bit embarrassed by asking this, but it’s important to me to understand a few things before we go there. How would an open conversation sound to you?’

Vulnerability is the key to intimacy. And when you share a deep truth that feels scary, it gives the other person permission to do the same. 
And creates space for you to come closer together. 

Normalising the conversation around intimacy and pleasure is one of the best thing you can do for your sex life. 

When should I bring it up?

Start early – before you’ve had sex at all. 

Have I done this? Errrrmmmm….nope. Which is why I am writing this post. 

I wish I had. In every case. 

There’s a fear or misconception that if you talk about sex too early then you’re going to disrupt the buildup, kill the mood, wreck havoc on anticipation, or look like a prude or the opposite – that you’re desperate. 

Thereby ruining your chances of any kind of relationship with someone you actually for once kind of like.  

Not to mention the risk feeling like a complete weirdo for nothing.

Well, let me tell you, feeling some awkwardness and discomfort in having the conversation outside of the bedroom, can make what happens in the bedroom for the first time a gazillion times better. 

And if things with this gorgeous human you are getting to know continue over the long run, you have a solid base to work from.

As you pass through life together, your bodies change, your needs and desires shift, and your experience in the bedroom does as well. 

Your ability as a couple to communicate about the sex you’re experiencing or not experiencing will have repercussions for the lifespan of your relationship.

And can make it...or break it. 

Start talking about sex early on in a relationship, and you’ll have better sex over the short – and long term.

How to make it easier: 

Invite the other person to have the conversation. Don’t spring it on someone last minute or dive right in.

You can say something like: 

“It feels like we’re getting closer and I’m really attracted to you. Before I jump your bones, I’d love to have a conversation about it all so that we’re both on the same page. When would be a good time?”

“I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you. And I look forward to that continuing. Before we get physical, it would be great to have a chat about it. I’d love to hear how you feel about it, and I’d love to share what’s going on for me too. Are you free for coffee any time this week?”

Talking in the heat of the moment when you’re naked for the first time with someone, might make you feel extra vulnerable. 

So make time away from the bedroom when neither of you are rushed or tired. And where you feel comfortable, relaxed, safe and where it’s private.

And all this said, it’s never too late to start. If you’ve already been with the person, go ahead and open a conversation 

What do we talk about exactly?

There are 3 main areas that want to be covered here: 

• What sex means 

• Safer sex: sexual health

• Pleasure

If that feels like a lot, it’s because it is! 

Remember, this is the first of many conversations you’ll have over time with someone. So as long as you cover the basics before you jump in the sack, know that you can deepen in later.

Start with the more simple stuff to establish trust and intimacy. And keep it light. 

What sex means

Sex means different things to different people. 

What is the meaning you’re making from it? And what are the expectations that go along with that?

You can ask: 

What does sex mean to you? Now? In the past?

In this relationship? In others?

If you’re having sex for the first time with someone, what does that mean to you? To them? Will you expect something more or different once you’ve been intimate with them physically?

Meaning may change over time but you want to be sure things are clear from the start. 

Safer sex = more pleasure

This topic of conversation more than any other, should happen away from the bedroom to ensure honesty and openness. 

STIs

For first time lovers or if your partner has been with someone else – ask when they were tested for STI’s (sexually transmitted infections). And to see the results. 

It can feel sticky to ask for this for a number of reasons. You might worry about how the other person might react to the request. That they’ll feel judged. Or even that it’s somehow too personal of a thing to ask, despite the fact that you’re considering getting as close as humanly possible to them.  

Or you make it mean certain things about you. That you’re being overly cautious. That you really know how to kill the mood.

In fact, when you go in knowing that you’re having safe sex, you can relax more physically and feel more secure psychologically and emotionally as well. The more you are able to relax in sex, the more pleasure you’ll experience. 

Remember, this is about you and your body. It’s your responsibility to take good care of your health.

And if the other person has a similar sense of self-responsibility, self-care and self-love, they’ll appreciate the request. 

Contraception options

Contraception is a non-negotiable when it comes to safer sex. The decision to make is not if, but which.

First ask yourself what options do you feel most comfortable with?

What do you prefer to stay away from? 

Then speak with your partner. Hear them out, align on an option and on you go. 

Pleasure, desires and expectations

Be playful and curious as you open up about what you’d like to experience in lovemaking.

Start light. And steer clear of judging yourself or your partner about what you’d like to experience or experiment with.

This makes it feel safe for you both to open up.

Remember, even if you voice a desire or hear one from your parnter that doesn’t mean that you’ve actually got to play it out.

For anything involving fantasies, fetishes or kinks (basically anything beyond simple ‘vanilla sex’), you’ll want to negotiate boundaries and limits. 

You can ask: 

I want to have a great experience together, so I’d love to learn a bit about what you like. Would you be open to sharing? 

Share as much as feels good. If there’s anything that you don’t want to speak about right now, that’s ok. 

What do you tend to like during sex? 

Do you prefer softness and a light touch? Or something more physical and wild? 

Is there anything that you definitely don’t like? 

How often do you like to have sex?

You can download a "Yes, No, Maybe" sexual boundary list that you and your partner can discuss. I like this one but you can google for others.

Is there anything that I should not bring up?

No. If you have concerns or questions that you want answers for in order to feel safe and ready for sex, then bring it up.

At the same time, respect the other person’s capacity to have the conversation. Go slowly and take your time. Don’t force responses. 

In the end, it’s up to both of you to decide if you want to have sex with one another, and when. 

If you feel that they are withholding information that threatens your health or safety, whether that be emotional, psychological or physical, then it’s a ‘no’ until you are truly ready.

And if you don’t feel safe in sharing what’s alive for you, then that is a sign that perhaps it is not the right time or right person. 

Coaching can give you great support in working through your own blockers to having difficult conversations and building a healthy relationship with your own sexuality so that you feel confident in sharing words – and a bed – with another. 

Can we just do this over text?

Yes! If this is going to help you have the conversation at all, then hell yes. 

However, eventually you’ll likely want to have these conversations face-to-face. They build intimacy and closeness, trust and connection. 

Healthy relationships are built on a foundation of good, open, honest communication, trust and safety. 

As is phenomenal sex.

If you want to have the best sex ever, it’s best you get chatting.

The most important career decision you’ll ever make is who to love. Here’s why.

If you are single, then making time to date and to manage the emotional rollercoaster of ghosting, catfishing, breadcrumbing, bench warming, etc., etc., can feel superfluous and annoyingly distracting when there are ‘more important’ work demands to deal with.

According to the latest research, you may be leaving money on the table, promotions and recognition, and the personal gratification that comes with career wins from meaningful work.

“Sheryl Sandberg, Bill and Melinda Gates, Warren Buffett, and my mother all agree on one thing – “that the single most important career decision that a woman makes is whether she will have a life partner and who that partner is.””

— Sheryl Sandberg

In truth, all relationships require time (our greatest asset in today’s world of ‘busy’), energy and attention in order to first exist – and then to grow.

Sheryl Sandberg, Bill and Melinda Gates, Warren Buffett, and my mother all agree on one thing – "that the single most important career decision that a woman makes is whether she will have a life partner and who that partner is."

And so the investment that you make not only in finding the right mate but also in cultivating that relationship holds a bigger potential return for our career growth than we initially imagine. 

“Evidence is mounting from sociological research that when both partners dedicate themselves to work and to home life, they reap benefits such as increased economic freedom, a more satisfying relationship, and a lower-than-average chance of divorce.”

— Jennifer Petriglieri

We can lose sight of this possibility when we have a hard time envisaging how we’ll ever manage it all. You might see friends in a relationship or who are a single parents, facing the demands of balancing career growth and and family responsibilities including kids, ageing parents and intimate partnership. In truth, it is extremely challenging. 

A recent McKinsey study found that ‘89 percent of women and 70 percent of men are part of a dual-career couple (DCC)—a couple in which both partners have jobs. These couples come from all racial and ethnic groups and from all income levels.’(1)

Yet ‘evidence is mounting from sociological research that when both partners dedicate themselves to work and to home life, they reap benefits such as increased economic freedom, a more satisfying relationship, and a lower-than-average chance of divorce.(2)’

“Meaningful work provides intrinsic rewards beyond dollar signs that are valuable for people and their identity.”

— Adrienne Partridge

Notes colleague and friend Adrienne Partridge, ‘Meaningful work provides intrinsic rewards beyond dollar signs that are valuable for people and their identity.’ Adrienne should know. She’s leadership and career coach who studied women's career choices for her doctoral research in psychology and has worked with high-achieving professional women for years.

When we are with a partner who supports us, who is there to encourage us to take risks at work and helps us to feel safe moving beyond our comfort zone, we show up with greater confidence and the assurance that we need to go there. Psychologist John Bowlby’s groundbreaking work in attachment theory calls this form of support in intimate relationships a ‘secure base’.

Even still, coming together to align on aspirations for career and desires for home life is complicated.

So how do couples do it? And how can you?

Explore the options, get clear on what you want – and why – and communicate it.

Jennifer Petriglieri, an associate professor of organizational behavior at INSEAD proposes three basic models to consider when determining balancing work and life for dual-career couples (2): 

(1) In primary-secondary, one partner’s career takes priority over the other’s for the duration of their working lives. The primary person dedicates more time to work and less to the family, and his or her professional commitments (and geographic requirements) usually come before the secondary person’s. 

(2) In turn taking, the partners agree to periodically swap the primary and secondary positions. 

(3) In double-primary, they continually juggle two primary careers.

The model that feels right for you will ultimately be the one that aligns most with your values. 

As I’ve mentioned, for many dual-career couples, personal identity and meaning are intrinsic in what they have chosen for a career path. At the same time, ideas about what makes for a ‘good’ home life including what’s right for children and in caring for ageing parents can change.

“Balance is a misnomer. Things are not always going to be in perfect balance.”

— Adrienne Partridge

Clear, open communication on what you want from the dating stage onwards is key

Know that the model that feels right for you now may shift over time. And so establishing clear, open communication channels right from the onset beginning with dating, is fundamental to the success of a dual-career relationship. 

It’s as important to open up about fears and what your boundaries are, as much as it is to express what you value and why. 

This can feel quite scary. Especially if you are not used to feeling vulnerable.   

And yet it’s in this space that opportunity for deep connection and understanding happen. 

When you voice your needs, and consider those of the other, then it’s from this space of mutual understanding that solutioning can happen. 

As a couple, work together to craft a plan that considers each of your needs, desires and ambition based on shared values. Consider the role that you’ll take in each other’s lives. Get clear on the responsibilities and expectations that come along with that role. And keep on talking about what works and what wants tweaking. 

When the going gets tough, remember this

It’s going to get messy. Articles like this can make it all seem easy. We’ve just got to get clear on what we want, have a conversation, take action, and boom, it’s done. 

Know that one of the main reasons we’re in relationships is to grow and to learn. And like anything else this learning, whether it’s about how best to communicate complex feelings or how to understand what is truly important to you and why, can look and feel uncomfortable. And that’s ok. 

It’s worth it.

Let’s come back to the point on why having the right partner is advantageous for career success. When you have a partner that supports you in challenging yourself, in stepping outside of your comfort zone, in staying by you as you do so, you feel more capable of stepping into the danger zone and taking that risk necessary to grow into a promotion or take on new responsibilities.

It feels great to be supported in this way – and to be that same support for your partner when they need. 

“When we are with a partner who supports us, who is there to encourage us to take risks at work and helps us to feel safe moving beyond our comfort zone, we show up with greater confidence and the assurance that we need to go there. ”

— Andrea Balboni

This is the foundation of a healthy relationship.

After all, I believe that we’re all here to grow and evolve into the brightest versions of ourselves possible in all areas of our lives. And we’re not meant to do that alone. 

Finding the right person for such an important partnership is essential.

Whether you are single and struggling to find the right person, or in a relationship and feel you could do with some support, I can help. Contact me and we’ll talk about how.

1. https://www.mckinsey.com/business-functions/organization/our-insights/how-dual-career-couples-find-fulfillment-at-work#

2. https://hbr.org/2019/09/how-dual-career-couples-make-it-work

What you need to know about makeup sex – the good, the bad and the ugly

Is it good to have sex right after a massive fight?

Does it feel kind of right and kind of wrong at the same time?

Here’s what happens when we do it. Why we do it. And how it might actually help you – and your relationship.

What is makeup sex, anyway?

Makeup sex is when you go from arguing or fighting fiercely with your intimate partner to having intense, passionate sex with them. 

Lots of people experience it – you if you have too, you are so not alone. 

It may seem perplexing that you can go from wanting to draw blood one minute to ravaging each other the next. But there are a few reasons – from the from psychological to the physiological – as to why that is. 

Whilst makeup sex can do some good for your relationship, there are some very important things to be aware of if you want to create a healthy way of being with one another. 

Why does it happen?

There are a few different reasons why makeup sex might happen. 

‘Excitation transfer’ is the psychological term that describes the shift of emotions from strike-to-kill anger to strong never-wanted-it-more sexual desire in the mere flash.  

When excitation transfer happens, emotional responses like the desire for closeness or reconciliation through sex can be intensified by initial arousal felt from a heated argument or full-on fight. 

In other words, your body’s response to the high emotions triggered in the dramatic moments of a fight, fuel the flame of the experience. 
To confuse your body, heart and mind even more, the hormones released when you’re threatened – adrenaline, noradrenaline, and testosterone – are the same ones that surge through you when you’re turned on. 

What are the benefits of makeup sex?

The possibility of losing the person that you love or being rejected or left by them as a result of a fight, can cause your body to go into overdrive. 

And even if you come to a reconciliation, your emotions are likely still charged.  Your physical body will still be holding onto the tension together with the chemicals coursing through it.

When we’re highly stressed, our bodies need to experience a physical release of the tension that’s built up so that we can come back into balance. 

The physical act of sex can allow you to do just that. Sex can be a substitute for the actual movement like ‘shaking it off’ that our body does naturally to stabilize us after a traumatic event. 

Resolution + Closure

Makeup sex is a way to affirm that you still love and care for one another when you can’t find the words for all of the messiness and confusion of the mixed feelings you are having. 

It can be comforting to affirm that we are loved and accepted still by our partner, even though we just had a massive fight. 

Makeup sex offers a way for you both to come together with the understanding that things will be resolved.

It allows your emotional heart a place to express the mixed emotions you likely feel. 

Reveals resentments

Whilst it’s highly advised to develop a healthier way of communicating than through shouting and screaming, blow-ups can bring to light resentments. 

Your partner might be frustrated by the fact that you never share your feelings. And relieved to hear you finally say what you mean and ask for what you need. 

If they make it ok for you to do this by accepting what you’ve shared (though perhaps not enjoying the way you’ve shared it) then moving forward you may be more apt to be outspoken and assertive in the relationship.

Making a claim to needs and desires is very healthy for someone who never does this. 

Widens your sexual experience

Makeup sex might also change the sex you have as you allow parts of yourself to come forward and be seen. This could show itself as being more assertive in bed by asking for what you want, taking the lead or being on top for once. 

It’s beautiful to be able to experience both leading and following in sex and changing up your role / energy can feel exciting and fresh. 

What are the risks of makeup sex? 

Fighting as de-facto communication

It’s not necessarily beneficial to get in the habit of down and dirty fighting to feel that you can say what you want. Or to ask for what you want in bed.

It is important to develop a true sense of safety and security in your relationship so that you can share deep truths and not feel that your life is threatened when you do so. 

Depending on the experiences you’ve had in your life with speaking from your heart and being heard, loved and celebrated for it (if you’re one of these fortunate few, congratulations), this may feel easy or impossibly difficult.

You might want to consider getting some professional support should you wonder what other options there are aside from raising your voice, withdrawing completely, appeasing the other or just simply ‘taking it’. 

False resolution

The reason why you were fighting in the first place may still need resolving. Just because you’ve had sex, doesn’t mean that for both of you the conflict is no longer there.  

It is best worked through from a space that is calm and grounded for both of you.

Where you both take responsibility and ownership for your part in the conflict.

Bad sex makes it worse

Makeup sex isn’t always hot. Nor does it always leave you feeling better or more connected afterwards.

In fact, it can make things worse. If you’ve not gotten your needs met and feel tender and vulnerable, then opening yourself up further to your partner when you are not yet ready will exacerbate things.

Take the time you need to recover and come back into balance on your own. Exercise and movement to shake off the tension and bring you back down might be just what you need.

Space to work through the complex emotional experience you’ve just had could be the perfect thing.

What to do instead

The things that want looking at in you and your relationship will keep coming back until you work through them. 

Learning how to have open, clear communication in conversations about difficult topics is a great place to start – especially if you’re tired of fighting.

This can take a bit of work as we’re not normally taught how to do this. It’s one of the most important things that I work on with my clients.

That and learning what your triggers are – and how to hold yourself through the emotional rollercoaster that results when you get really pissed off .

These are superpowers that I learned from many wisened teachers who have come before me. If you feel like you’d love support in developing these next-level relationship skills, send me a message and we’ll talk about how.

All about lube Part 1 - why you need it and what that means

Lube changed my life. 

It really did.

It took the pressure off of me and my body to produce enough self-generated fluid on-demand. 

And allowed me to relax into pleasure waaaaaay more. 

And so considering how important lube has been to enhancing my pleasure under the sheets, I decided to invite lube creator and expert Kathie Bishop to tell you all about it. 

Here is her wisdom.

Live, Love, Lube

Using a lube should be a good experience, and these days there are so many to choose from you don’t need to put up with anything sticky, staining or irritating. So when buying a lube here’s several questions that may come to mind that can help you find the best one for you:

Why would you want to use a lube?

Using lube is great choice for solo or partnered play because it can reduce painful friction that otherwise may disrupt your enjoyment. But more than that, for vagina owners, penetration of a minimally lubricated vagina can cause micro-abrasions and trauma to the delicate vaginal tissues, making them more susceptible to opportunistic infection by candida, bacterial vaginosis-causing bacteria, STIs or HIV. And this is where choosing a good lube can come in handy - because after all, everything is better with (the right) lube!

If I need lube a lot does it mean I'm not turned on enough / like the person I'm with enough? 

There are many reasons that as a vagina owner you can be turned on, but not producing as much lubricant vaginally as you would like or expect. That’s nothing to be ashamed of.  It’s totally normal and there is nothing wrong with you. Some reasons could include stress, your hydration levels, your hormone levels (your point in the cycle and being postpartum come into it here), and any medications you’re on - anti-histamines and some antidepressant medication are great examples that can dry out mucosa. What’s really important here is that you feel aligned in consent around the person you are about to be intimate with.

I used to never need lube and now I feel like I do. What's going on? 

Our bodies change over time.  Hormone levels affect vaginal and vulval tissue, as well as levels of lubrication, and stress can affect our hormone levels.  Peri-menopause, which can start from around 40 years of age, is marked by a gradual decline in oestrogen levels as we head towards menopause, and this impacts vaginal lubrication too.  It can feel confusing, but know that it’s totally normal, natural and nothing to feel shame around.

Is lube ok to eat / lick? 

Most lubricant companies wouldn’t advertise out-right that you eat their products, but if you do end up ingesting some over the course of your natural play, then thats absolutely fine.  See the ‘Is natural important to you?’ section below.  The vaginal mucosa is naturally very absorbent so you may want to reframe that question to ask yourself whether you’re happy to put something into your vagina that you wouldn’t be happy putting in your mouth!

Do I need lube if I self-pleasure?

'Need’ would definitely be a strong word but a good amount of lubrication, whether self produced or gladly added will enhance or even make your experience, ensuring a smoother, more pleasure-filled feeling.

To learn even more about lube, and find answers to questions such as: Do I need a different type of lube if I'm using a toy versus sex with a condom versus no protection with a trusted partner?

(Hint: the answer is Yes!), Visit Part 2 of this series All about lube here.

Kathie Bishop MNIMH is a medical herbalist and the founder of Into the Wylde, an award winning natural intimate lubricant brand that is registered with the Vegan Society and The Soil Association.

She also runs the clinic The Wylde Herbalist, where she helps women transform their vaginal health. She firmly believes that lube is for every women, not just around and beyond menopause, and that everything is better with right one. 

Tantra for beginners – sacred sex will change your life

Tantra is a vast and beautiful tradition. And one I have been a part of for many years.

Tantra changed my life. It re-framed what it meant for me to be a woman, powerful and sexual at the same time.

It freed me to open to deeper states of pleasure. And to know myself like I’d never before.

And it has the potential to do the same for you.

“When the passion and desire of your physical body align with the purity of your heart’s intention, your spirit opens up to the possibility of new experiences of what are known as bliss states – to being here and now, whilst feeling connected to divinity or to all that is. ”

— Andrea Balboni

What is tantric sex, anyway?

Tantric sex is a way of making love that feels deeply connected, massively powerful, and filled with reverence, respect and devotion between you and your partner – or you and yourself if you practice it solo.

Tantric sex is for many a new way of being in sexual connection with another. This is because it allows you to access levels of feeling, sensation, and energy not often experienced in the sex many of us usually have. 

And it can leave you feeling nourished and satisfied by sex as you open to blissful states of ecstatic pleasure.

Tantra teaches that everything is sacred, including sex. It wholeheartedly celebrates the sacredness of our sexual desires and bodies. And it brings a quality of mindful awareness to the shared expression of pleasure.
And whilst tantra has gained a reputation for promoting uninhibited sex, promiscuity could not be further from its original point – to enable full spiritual awakening via direct engagement with our sexual energy. 

When was tantric sex first practiced?

Tantra emerged in India around the 6th Century. It refers to the philosophy and spiritual practices that developed at that time. About the same time that esoteric Hindu and Buddhism traditions were developing.

Neotantra is a new modern westernised variation of the ancient original teachings of Tantra. It often incorporates only a small selection of teachings from the original tradition, and those focus on sexuality.

Neotantra developed in the 1960s and over the decades has strayed farther from the roots of the authentic tantric teachings to fuse with many different new age modalities and methods

The main goal of neotantric practices is however still in keeping with focus of the ancient tradition – to offer a path toward greater consciousness and ultimately liberation and connection with the divine.

Why try tantric sex?

Pleasure potential

Those who practice tantra regularly report experiencing more powerful longer-lasting orgasms and of numerous kinds: from heart-gasms, throat-gasms and mind-gasms for women, to non-ejaculatory orgasms and multiple full-body orgasms for men. 

Tantra can help you release blocks around sex, like shame and guilt. And in doing so it allows you access to greater levels of pleasurable sensation. 

Connection amplified

Tantra is ultimately about connection — whether that’s with yourself or between you and a partner. Some experience states of oneness with divinity and life itself.

Sex becomes healing, empowering, and profoundly beautiful.  

Experience altered states of consciousness

When the passion and desire of your physical body align with the purity of your heart’s intention, your spirit opens up to the possibility of new experiences of what are known as bliss states – to being here and now, whilst  feeling connected to divinity or to ‘all that is’. 

A short guide for beginners:

Tantric sex involves bringing attention to all the subtleties of sex – body, heart and mind. It offers the deep sensual pleasure of skin on skin in a long slow gentle stroke, to the swelling of hearts drenched in love through intimate connection, to the diamond-like clarity of mind that comes with being exquisitely present in the moment. 

Sometimes during tantric sex, you're barely moving. Other times you’ll experience the excitement of nearing peak experiences, to then relax back, only to ‘ride the wave’ again and again. Playing with time and energy in this way, you can make love for hours. And the enjoyment can just keep building. 

Go slow

Start by sitting across from one another and gazing softly into each other’s eyes for as long as possible. Let the intensity build. 

Begin with long slow embraces and gentle caresses. This allows you to get present in your body. Shift your focus to your partner for 50% of the time and then back to you and your experience. 

Notice the movement of energy, like electricity, between your bodies. 

Let go of the goal

Redefine sex by setting an intention to experience more intimacy and connection, and to explore playful possibility versus racing to orgasm. When you let go of the goal there is infinite room for discovery. 

Tell your partner what you like and encourage more of what feels good by naming what you’re enjoying. Have your partner do the same.

Engage all of your senses. 

Experiencing sex through all of your senses moves you from your mind into your body. And it’s here in your body where you are able to experience sensual pleasure. 

Light candles or wear your favourite perfume, play beautiful, sensual music, wrap yourself in silks or soft lingerie, savour the taste of your partner’s kisses, play with new patterns and pressure of touch. 

Let it be about discovery.

Breath

Synchronize your breath by inhaling and exhaling together, or inhaling as your partner exhales. As your nervous systems attune to one another, you’ll experience a heightened sense of cohesion and togetherness. 

Know one another. Know yourself. 

Allow yourself (and your partner) to experience a full range of emotions. Welcome whatever experience you have and know that if you feel sadness, hurt, anger, shame or embarrassment come up that it has arisen for it to be released. 

It may seem strange to experience these emotions in lovemaking, however it’s the full allowing and acceptance of ‘what is’ that will free you from that which holds you back from feeling full pleasure.

Eventually as your mind, heart and body clear stuckness from the past, you’ll be able to fully tap into your sexual energy and its power.

I practiced tantra for many years solo. And whilst there are some sacred sex practices that I do together with my partner, I continue my solo journey.

Because you never can know yourself – or the universe – deeply enough.

3 steps to have more success in love in 2021

December is a time of year for retrospection…and introspection. 

As you look back on the year – and granted, it’s been a strange one – you can take stock of what you’ve learned.

And ask what wants to be left behind. What wants to be carried forward.

And what wants to happen in the new year so that you can create the love you want.

Journaling is a great way to do this.  

And I also recommend long walks in nature as you contemplate the following.

With the wisdom mined, you’ll then take informed, inspired action.

Step 1: Get clear on what you want in a relationship

This year in Dating

• What worked with meeting new people

• What didn’t 

• Who did you connect with easily. Why?

• What made a date feel good?

• What made a date flop?

Action:

Dating over time can be tough. And we can loose a sense for how much it actually teaches us. 

Write down 3 things that dating helped you understand about what you want in a relationship.

Read more on healthy relationships here.  

Step 2: Prep your heart for big love

This year in Love

• What wants letting go from this year

• Unreturned messages

• Bad dates

• Bad kisses 

• Dashed hopes

• Heartbreak big and small

• Patterns that keep repeating

Action: Write down 3 things you’re letting go of this year. Burn the paper. 

Fill yourself up with good stuff with this Heal Heartbreak meditation.

Step 3: Know you can have it (even if you never have)

This year in Sex + Pleasure

• Are you connected to your body? 

• Did you self-pleasure enough? 

• Did it feel sacred….or routine? 

• Did you only say yes when it was a HELL YES and your body was on board?

• What allows you to drop more into pleasure? 

• What keeps you from it? 

• Does it feel nourishing? 
  

Action:

Schedule sex in. Yep, even if it’s with yourself. Get that diary out and find 3 days that work for you. 

Not sure where to start? Watch this and learn about how your body is built for pleasure (for people with vaginas)

Your pleasure is yours to own. It’s your birthright and we’re all naturally wired for pleasure. 

You are the creator of your own pleasure. 

You are the creator of your life. 

And you can create the deep, connected, long-term healthy partnership that you want to. 

It starts with you. 

Scheduling sex is not only normal…it’s sexy. Here's why.

‘It is through rituals that the mind becomes clear, the heart opens, the senses become sharp, and the body tingles with aliveness and expectation.’

Margot Anand, The Art of Sexual Magic

Scheduling in sex (with your partner or yourself) makes it a ritual. And rituals are powerful.

Rituals bring meaning to the ordinary. As opposed to ‘habits’ which are done mindlessly.

Anyone who has had ‘habitual sex’ understands how boring – how mindless – it can be.

Habitual sex feels like a chore. We dread it. And feel guilty about not wanting it.

Scheduled sex, sex that is ritual, is sex infused with deep meaning. And it feels like magic. 

Here’s how to have deep connected sex regularly – on schedule – as a ritual.

Schedule sex in

Intentionally set aside time each week for sex.

Create a shared calendar. And get it in there. Text reminders to each other and have fun with it (aka foreplay).

Try not to cancel or reschedule. But if life happens, give yourself a break.

Heat it up: theme your sex dates as you put them in the calendar. Take turns preparing for it by ‘setting the scene’. Think of engaging all 5 senses. And talk about the sex you have after each date – learn what your partner liked and wants more of. Try this next time.

Take the pressure off: take the goal away. Commit to exploring your pleasure without the focus of orgasm. Discover new states of ecstasy beyond the O. Pleasure is vast.

Infuse meaning

In rituals, the most ordinary of actions and gestures become transformed into symbolic expressions, their meaning reinforced each time they are performed.

-Van Gennep, 1909

Meaning is what imbues the sex you have with a unique quality. As you schedule sex in consciously consider the deeper meaning this has for you: 

• That you care enough about yourself and each other to dedicate time and space for deep connection

• That intimacy –physical, emotional, mental–is valued and valuable to you

• That togetherness and unity is important and desired

• That you can trust yourself and one another to show up consistently

• That exploring pleasure together and luxuriating in that journey is a shared desire

Relax in and enjoy the ride

When you know sex is going to happen, it takes away the anxiety of wondering if and when. It buffers us against negative uncertainty. 

As a result, you feel more in control. This creates a sense of personal order. And in this the space to drop more fully into pleasure when it comes.

Scheduled sex allows us to open up and access to deeper dimensions of ourselves

By setting the space in your material world, your internal world re-organises itself in the expectation of experiencing things differently. 

Scheduled sex hones our attention, leading to heightened involvement and immersion in lovemaking when we come to it.

In conclusion: 

Scheduled sex is ritualistic in nature. It’s imbued with meaning and ironically, it brings us beyond the mundane. 

It draws us closer to ourselves and to our partner and as we intentionally connect with our pleasure and with each other. 

And remember – you can always have more. Just because you schedule sex in, doesn’t mean you can’t have the sex in the elevator or in the kitchen now and again.

Date easily in difficult times - 10 ways to find joy in dating during Covid

The double-edged sword of fear in dating during Covid is real and it’s out there. 

On the one hand there’s the fear of catching the virus if you meet too many potential partners by putting yourself in situations conducive to exactly that – like hanging out in bars. 

On the other hand there are the more familiar fears that come along with dating – like having our hearts broken (again), or of wasting our time (again), or whether there’s just something intrinsically wrong with you because no one (ever) feels right. 

So I’ve put together this list to help bring you some clarity and help you beat the Covid dating blues. 

10 ways to date more easily in difficult times: 

1. Let the sparks fly in the space created. So many people I speak to have said that they are loving the fact that Covid has brought back long-lost courtship. Get to know each other at a bit of a distance and use the 1 meter’s distance guideline, especially if masks feel super un-sexy. 

2. Be in reality with the risk factor. It’s ok to ask if your date has been around anyone with Covid recently or if they have any symptoms so you know what you are working with. The decision is then up to you to meet them or not. If you wear a mask on a date, you are protecting yourself. If your date wears a mask too, you are doubly protected. Find one you like and rock it.  

3. Magnetise. If you find yourself drawn towards your date physically, then great! There’s attraction here. Verbalise this so that they understand what is going on with you. Perhaps you’d like to come closer but are holding back because of the risk of contacting Covid. It’s important that the other person understand the distinction between holding back because of fear of the virus, or otherwise so that the other person understands where you stand – that you’re interested…and precautionary. Easier said than done, you say?

4. Words are the sexiest thing! In ordinary times you might have made a move or indicated through body language that you wanted to step closer. Now is the time to practice ‘speaking your truth’. If you establish open and honest communication channels this early on in dating a potential mate, then you are setting a strong foundation for deeper connection and even for better sex. Emotional and physical intimacy is determined by your ability to share what is going on with you. Share that you’d love to come closer. And listen with an open mind and heart what is going on with the other person. 

5. Consent is key. Connect physically when both of you feel good about it. Consent here is key so you want to check in with the other person to see how they feel about moving forward. They may not feel ready yet or in a position to accept the risk of contracting the virus. Or they may just need more time to come close to you and feel emotionally safe in doing so. Be open to hearing where your date is at. And if you’d like clarity, you can ask for it directly with questions like, ‘

6. Build resilience. Hold yourself no matter what the response is. There’s no guarantee that the person you’re on a date with will like you back. Or that you’ll like them. Or that it will work out even if there is mutual attraction. What you DO know deep down, is that you are going to be more than ok no matter what. 

7. Stay steady. Because if you stay steady in your quest to find love, that eventually it will come to you. No matter how many times it hasn’t. So when you are there on the ground on a date and it’s all happening, dig deep for this truth. Send yourself a huge love bomb. And cheer yourself on for continuing your pursuits. It will pay off. Trust me. 

8. Slow down but don’t stop. Be selective about who you meet. Hop on a few video dates before agreeing to meet in person. Enjoy the conversation and connection this brings through ‘being’ together more than ‘doing’ stuff. This can also take the edge off of a ‘first date’ as you become just familiar enough with one another to get an initial sense of how you both are.

9. Stretch into the life you loved living and do the things you love and remember from pre-C times. Museums and theatres are open. Cafés and restaurants too. It’s so easy to look for stuff to do and see only the restrictions or closures. Keep your mind focused on what IS. What there is to do even if in a modified format.  

10. Get support. And if you find that you keep on attracting the wrong kind of person despite it all, consider investing in doing some deeper work to understand what is at the bottom of it all. With this insight, you’ll be able to make the changes necessary within you to get the love you want in the outside world. This is what coaching can do for you. Send me a message and we’ll talk about how. 

How to heal from heartbreak - a 3 step body-heart-mind process

If you’ve experienced heartbreak, you are so not alone.

Heartbreak is one of the most common things that we all experience at some point or another. 

This holds true often even for those who have never been in a relationship as much as it does for those married multiple times. 

Heartbreak can even happen whilst you are deep in relationship. 

The hope we hold for love unrequited or withdrawn carries a pain that can chafe the heart enough times to send the protective barriers up that keep us feeling safe – and alone. 

The loss we feel, the grief and sadness can stay around for much longer than is healthy. It’s good to feel your emotions. Not so good to hold on to the tough ones for too long. The heaviness that fills our heart leaves no space for the joy and lightness of love. The kind that overflows. 

The kind that wants to be shared. 

Heartbreak can also sit in our minds as we play the scenes over and over again trying to make sense of it all. Where we went wrong. What we did or didn’t do. What was going on with the other person. This infinite loop locks us in the past leaving no possibility for us to be present here and now so that we can live a new and different future. 

Step 1: Free your physical body – let it out 

This may not seem obvious at first, but heartbreak sits not only in the ache around your heart. It can show up in other parts of you as well.  

Feel into your body and notice what sensations come up when you recall the person or situation that broke your heart. 

For example many women often feel an ache in their womb when they really tune in to their bodies. 

Others will realise that that tightness in their belly or clenching of their shoulders shows up. 

Whatever it is, you’ll want to encourage the sensation to loosen and move out of your body. 

Some ways to facilitate this are:  

• Shake it off - from the tips of your fingers down to your toes shake your whole body

• Dance it off - crank up the tunes!

• Sound it out - give the sensation a voice and let it out

Whatever it takes to get the yuck out. 

Give yourself 5-10 minutes for this. 

Step 2: Next move on to your heart – allow yourself to feel

Allow yourself to feel the emotions of it all, whatever it is that comes up for you. 

This could be deep sadness and grief, a sense of loss and of course hurt. 

Sometimes the feelings of intense pain or hurt carry a physical quality to them. Let the emotion move through your body and out. 

Give yourself 5-10 minutes for this. 

Whilst it’s important to feel your emotions to heal, you don’t want to stay here for too long as it can then become counter-productive. 

Step 3: Clear your mind

If you find yourself analysing and over-analysing the situation or person or yourself, then try this. 

Take 2 sheets of paper.

On one paper write down all the good stuff from your experience. 

Fill it with lessons learned and wisdom gained. 

This you’ll be taking forward with you in your journey to new love. 

On the 2nd sheet of paper write down all the nasty stuff. Everything that you want to leave behind. All the mess and anything that felt harmful – and not in a learning kind of way. 

Burn the paper or rip it up and toss it out. 

Fill up with fresh, clean energy

You will have created space in your body, heart and mind at this point. 

Fill that space with light and love. You can do this through a heart-based meditation. Or simply by imagining a beautiful pearl of love-filled light at the centre of your chest expanding out into all the spaces that you’ve created. 

Another way is to spend time with friends and family where you feel the love and soak it all in from them. Love feeds love. All kinds. 

Come back to wholeness

And finally, call back into you any parts of you that you feel might have been left behind. Welcome yourself back. 

Do this process as many times as it takes until you feel complete, whole and new. 

And remember, healing heartbreak can take time. Be gentle and go easy. 

Tantric Massage - what makes it so special (it’s not what you think)

What makes a tantric massage different from say a sports massage or a massage with a happy ending? 

Tantric massage focuses on pleasure and sensuality as much as on releasing stress and tension from the body. Orgasm and sex actually take a back seat. Though that may happen if you decide to move into lovemaking afterwards. 

Tantric massage is a ritual-like full-bodied pleasure practice performed to facilitate deep connection with you, your body, your sexuality, and your partner through touch, deep relaxation, and by practicing complete presence. 

It can be deeply healing and nourishing as the person receiving the massage learns to relax into their body and let go of any tension or holding stored there, specifically in regards to their sexuality.

And the person giving experiences being fully present with another, enabling the pleasure of the receiver, and connecting throughout the practice from the heart. This in itself is generative, fosters connection and is full of deeper meaning.

These 3 elements are foundational to learning how to give (and receive) a tantric massage:

1. Ritual

2. Intention

3. Presence + Connection

In this article I describe how these foundational elements are integral to the incredibly erotic experience of tantric massage.

Not all tantric massage involves genital touch. And whilst there are many ways to perform tantric massage, I’d argue that these are key components that make it what it is – a sacred experience of our sensual selves like no other.

Ritual

We humans looooove ritual. 

Rituals give us a sense of safety and of connection. They imbue deeper meaning to life and even allow us the space within which we can transcend ourselves. 

All of these are key to experiencing the heightened states of pleasure and deep nourishment to body, mind and soul that tantric massage offers.  

Rituals want time and focus. A slowing down to stillness. 

This allows the space for pleasure to surface, connection to deepen and erotic energy to flow. 

Ritual will run throughout your massage session. Here’s how. 

Intention

In rituals, the most ordinary of actions and gestures become transformed into symbolic expressions, their meaning reinforced each time they are performed.1 

Intentions set a tone and give deeper layers of meaning to things. Intention hones our attention and asks for heightened involvement and immersion in the moment.

And in tantric massage an intrinsic part of the practice is to awaken sensuality and full feeling throughout the body.

Set an intention together

Setting an intention helps both the giver and receiver relax into the moment as it manages expectations, boosting confidence. It can alleviate anxiety about performing well as a masseur or about having to receive pleasure in a certain way.

Set an intention together before you begin the massage ritual. And state it again when you are ready to begin. 

The intention for experience you’re about to share can be

• To receive fully from another

• To give fully from the heart

• To allow whatever the experience is and not judge it

• To connect deeply and accept whatever comes

• To experience sensual touch with greater awareness

Create a sacred space

Transform your outer world and your internal world re-organises itself to expect to experience things differently. Creating a sacred space links to intentionality – this experience will be something more than just a regular old rub down.

Choose a place where you’ll perform the massage. This can be your bedroom or anywhere where you can get creative. Transform the space into something special by adding 

• Candles

• Soft lighting

• Clean sheets

• Fresh flowers or petals

• Sensual music 

Presence + Connection

Ritual hones our attention and focus. It leads us to heightened involvement and immersion in the moment.

Conscious touch - be fully present

Have you ever been touched by someone who feels absent? It’s like the touch doesn’t really land. And it can even feel a bit creepy as you sense that their mind and heart are elsewhere. 

It’s fundamental that both partners stay fully present throughout the massage. 

You’d think this simple. But it’s very easy to drift away and get lost in our thoughts throughout. 

For those receiving the massage: 

Keep coming back to your body and the sensations in your body. With every touch you receive, be fully present for it and notice how your body responds. 

• What do you like? 

• What do you dislike? 

• What do you want more of? 

• What does your body need?

For those giving the massage:

Fill each stroke you give with awareness and love. Be intentional in how you approach your partner’s body. And notice how they respond. If you are not sure then that brings us to the next key: communication.

Connect through communication 

We don’t talk enough during sex. We don’t talk enough about what we want. What we like. What feels good. To each other. 

So tantric massage is a great way to introduce communication into your intimate life. 

Ask the receiver things like:

• How do you like the stroke – long and smooth or short and quick

• How is the speed of the touch

• What about the quality of the touch

• Location

• Pressure

• Style

What part of them wants more touch

Respond by asking for more of what you like. Focus on what is good versus verbalising what you don’t like as this can feel like a criticism to your partner. 

With tantric massage as ritual there is joint attention focused on the experience. We can perceive emotional synchrony with one another. We feel connected and in flow with each other’s bodies and rhythms. 

And there can even be an experience of self–other overlap where you lose yourself in the experience of the other person. 

These experiences can feel transcendent as you move from separateness to a shared experience of deep connection and love. 

And the energy between you weaves and flows like water in a stream.  

Staying present in your body even as you flow into another through pleasure is unique to what tantric massage offers. 

End with gratitude and sharing

Rituals have a clear beginning, middle and end. This satisfies a fundamental need for order and is a buffer against uncertainty. When we feel safe and in control then we can more easily let ourselves go and relax into the moment and whatever arises. 

End the massage by thanking each other for being part of a shared experience. 

Take some time to share what you experienced both as the giver and receiver. 

1. ‘The Psychology of Rituals: An Integrative Review and Process-Based Framework,’ Nicholas M. Hobson, Juliana Schroeder, Jane L. Risen, Dimitris Xygalatas and Michael Inzlicht

Breathwork: a powerful practice to awaken to deeper parts of you

You may have heard of breathwork by now. 

It’s fast becoming the new ‘yoga’ in urban wellbeing circles. And will likely spread further outwards as its cousins mindfulness, meditation and yoga have. 

Why? Because it’s that simple and that powerful. 

And when used in combination with the mindset work I do with clients, it’s a powerful catalyst for moving them forward faster. And they can’t seem to get enough. Read about one client’s experience here.

So what is breathwork exactly. And how does it work? 

What is Breathwork?

Breathwork is breathing in a certain way to shift your mind from an awakened state of consciousness to an altered state where deeper levels of your mind and body can be explored and understood. 

It uses faster paced breathing, a certain kind of body movement when it’s indicated, and at times evocative music. 

How does it work?

You may have already done some form of breathwork in yoga. The “Pranayama” (‘Prana’ meaning life force, and ‘Ayama’ meaning to restrain or to draw out) or “breathwork” is used in yoga to achieve a conscious state of mind and relaxed body.

The method I use in sessions is closer to ‘Holotropic Breathwork’ developed by psychiatrists Stanislav and Christina Grof. The “Holotropic” breath works in exactly the opposite way to pranayama. It relaxes the conscious mind opening up a gateway to the subconscious.

And by doing so it tends to bring up underlying tension and latent blocks that Stanislav Grof explains “are associated with traumatic situations, biographical, birth experiences and so on, or even something called transpersonal levels (beyond the self).”

And when these tensions and blocks start surfacing, they are experienced as physical sensations or strong emotions and can then be moved through and gotten rid of.

This allows your body and your mind to heal from the past so that you can move into the present more fully. By doing so you can then create the future that you want to realize. 

How did this method come about?

Breathing has been used throughout centuries, in many different cultures as one of the most powerful means to heal by shifting our mental state. 

Stanislav spent decades researching the science of the ancient shamanistic practices to develop this simple yet effective method for inducing alternative states of consciousness without the use of drugs.

This specific practice came about as an alternative to LSD-based psychedelic-assisted therapy following the suppression of legal LDS in the 1960s. 

Watch Transpersonal Documentary, interview with Stanislav and Christina Grof: Part 1 & Part 2 

What are the benefits of breathwork?

1. Reduces stress, anxiety, grief, depression and anger

2. Increase sensitivity to pleasure, energy levels and boost immune system

3. Increase self-awareness, presence, happiness and joy

4. Increase self-love

5. Improve sleep

6. Release trauma and fear stuck in the body

7. Helps to reduce pain

8. Release toxins from the body

9. Improve digestion

10. Explore altered states of consciousness, consciously

Can the breath help with sex? 

Using the breath can help you to feel more pleasure and connect more during sex so that you feel more nourished and alive. 

Watch how I explain how breathwork can be used to experience more pleasure: Feel sensational in bed by breathing in a whole new way

Can the breath help with confidence when dating?

Using the breath before and on a date is wonderful for boosting confidence. And we all know how sexy confidence is. 

Not only that, but you will be calmer and think clearly, allowing you and your date to relax and enjoy the experience. 

Can the breath help with communication and connection?

Working with the breath and posture allows for more space in the moment to be clear on what you want, and to articulate that. 

One of my clients has expressed how much he enjoys working with the breathing and stretching out his body fully along with the vocal breathing releases, music and a bit of movement as this “makes a big difference” to his relationship with his partner, and he feels “stronger for it”. Listen to his full experience here.

“My partner and I shared our first real exchange in terms of where we are and what we want. I think for the first time (ever) I have expressed my true honest feelings of what I want... I feel the first stage of control of my thoughts and feelings and being able to share them.”

What does scientific research say?

(Source: Healthline)

A 1996 study combined the holotropic breathing technique with psychotherapy over six months. People who participated in the breathwork and therapy significantly reduced death anxiety and increased self-esteem compared to those who only had therapy.

A report from 2013 documented the results of 11,000 people over 12 years who participated in holotropic breathwork sessions. The results suggest that it can be used to treat a wide range of psychological and existential life issues. Many people reported significant benefits related to emotional catharsis and internal spiritual exploration. No adverse reactions were reported. This makes it a low-risk therapy.

A 2015 study found that holotropic breathing can bring about higher levels of self-awareness. It may help to positively make changes in temperament and development of character. People who were more experienced with the technique reported less tendency to be needy, domineering, and hostile.

Try as I may, I find it difficult to communicate exactly how the type of coaching that I do is different. 

I explain that the body as much as the mind and emotions are engaged in ‘the work’. 

And yet my descriptions always seem to fall short. 

So I’ve asked one of my clients to describe her experience of breathwork in session with me here.