I cried in the arms of my boyfriend last weekend.
For a while I tried really hard not to. And didn’t even realise it.
But he felt it anyway. In my kiss and in our touch.
He asked what was wrong.
And as always, with quite a bit of hesitation, I told him I wanted to see him more. We both lead really busy lives and love what we do.
‘Well that doesn’t sound that bad,’ you might be thinking to yourself.
Well actually, it kind of is. Because I know that Naz fell in love with a strong, independent woman. Someone who could hold herself up and be on her own. 🏄
He’s the same. It’s one of the reasons why I fell in love with him. 🏋
But this fierce independent spirit of mine is also points to a source of my deepest vulnerability.
I’m not supposed to ‘need’ more time with him. I’m not supposed to need anything from anyone, really. One of my biggest fears is appearing (and feeling) needy or clingy or dependent.
It would make me look weak and possibly less desirable in his eyes. 🐭
And then he’d no longer want me.
And I’d lose love.
So that’s a pretty big deal.
In this video I talk about how falling in love, whether you are dating or in a relationship, requires quite a large degree of vulnerability. Not the clingy, needy kind where you expect the other person to pick you up, but the brave open-heartedness kind.
The kind of vulnerability that means opening your heart to yourself. To the parts of you that feel like they might cause you to be rejected or unloved. So that by acknowledging them, meeting them, softening around and allowing them to be you can finally loving yourself for them.
When I took the risk with Naz and showed him a part of me I’d been trying to hide and deny, my defences were down.
And down also came that thin but very present wall between us.
And we both opened once more back into the love that is always there.