3 simple ways to experience more healthy blissful pleasure daily

I invite you to give yourself radical permission to experience more pleasure – in both big and small ways – daily. 

This is so that you live and love to your fullest – dating feels easier, relationships and connection flow more, and you’ll experience a greater sense of wholeness, nourishment and satisfaction. 

Often we are resistant to pleasure. It can feel unfamiliar to allow ourselves to fully go there.

Or like an indulgence that, if experienced too much, might somehow be unsafe or dangerous. 

These narratives of course, are counter to the numerous studies that have proven how pleasure is immeasurably good for our bodies, hearts and minds.

So to get you started, here are a few small ways to get on the path to pleasure:

Surround yourself with small pleasure-providing ‘objects’

And pick them up throughout the day

Gather items that engage your sense of touch in a beautiful way and place them around the rooms of your home. When you pass them by, take a minute to stroke your forearms or your face with a texture that feels good.

Simple objects that work great for this: 

Feathers: Keep some feathers (peacock / ostrich / a feather boa) in a vase on your desk

Silks (faux or otherwise) : and satin-like scarves

Furs (faux or otherwise) : a soft fluffy rug to run your feet through as you sit at your desk during the day is an easy way to get a hit of pleasure

2 minute sunrise / sunset touch to connect with your body 

Build your heart / womb connection and experience the nourishing pleasure of wholeness

Open and close your day with 2 minutes of connected conscious touch. Set snooze on your alarm for 2 minutes in the morning and a timer in the evening before you drop off to sleep. 

Use these 90 seconds to connect with your body gently in the following way: 

A simple gesture of erotic love to self is to place one hand on your heart and the other at your sex centre at the level of your womb. 

Send the love from your heart down through your body to your womb. 

Pick up nourishing soft womb energy and send this energy mixed with the love from your heart right back up your body completing a love circle. 

Set a pomodoro ‘pleasure timer’  and dance, dance, dance

And take lots of mini-breaks to move your body throughout the day

When I co-work with other women via Zoom, we use the pomodoro method to keep a rhythm with work that ensures we focus and also get breaks. On those 5 minute breaks, we put on some music and move our bodies in whatever way feels good. 

Movement is key to keeping energy flowing throughout your body. 

And dance brings joy…and yes, pleasure. 

I would argue that the future of work is to do what feels most exciting, joyful and blissful in our bodies, hearts and minds. 

Love has already worked this out.

If you struggle to find love, or are in a relationship and could use some support with experiencing more pleasure in it, send me a message. I can help.

All about lube Part 1 - why you need it and what that means

Lube changed my life. 

It really did.

It took the pressure off of me and my body to produce enough self-generated fluid on-demand. 

And allowed me to relax into pleasure waaaaaay more. 

And so considering how important lube has been to enhancing my pleasure under the sheets, I decided to invite lube creator and expert Kathie Bishop to tell you all about it. 

Here is her wisdom.

Live, Love, Lube

Using a lube should be a good experience, and these days there are so many to choose from you don’t need to put up with anything sticky, staining or irritating. So when buying a lube here’s several questions that may come to mind that can help you find the best one for you:

Why would you want to use a lube?

Using lube is great choice for solo or partnered play because it can reduce painful friction that otherwise may disrupt your enjoyment. But more than that, for vagina owners, penetration of a minimally lubricated vagina can cause micro-abrasions and trauma to the delicate vaginal tissues, making them more susceptible to opportunistic infection by candida, bacterial vaginosis-causing bacteria, STIs or HIV. And this is where choosing a good lube can come in handy - because after all, everything is better with (the right) lube!

If I need lube a lot does it mean I'm not turned on enough / like the person I'm with enough? 

There are many reasons that as a vagina owner you can be turned on, but not producing as much lubricant vaginally as you would like or expect. That’s nothing to be ashamed of.  It’s totally normal and there is nothing wrong with you. Some reasons could include stress, your hydration levels, your hormone levels (your point in the cycle and being postpartum come into it here), and any medications you’re on - anti-histamines and some antidepressant medication are great examples that can dry out mucosa. What’s really important here is that you feel aligned in consent around the person you are about to be intimate with.

I used to never need lube and now I feel like I do. What's going on? 

Our bodies change over time.  Hormone levels affect vaginal and vulval tissue, as well as levels of lubrication, and stress can affect our hormone levels.  Peri-menopause, which can start from around 40 years of age, is marked by a gradual decline in oestrogen levels as we head towards menopause, and this impacts vaginal lubrication too.  It can feel confusing, but know that it’s totally normal, natural and nothing to feel shame around.

Is lube ok to eat / lick? 

Most lubricant companies wouldn’t advertise out-right that you eat their products, but if you do end up ingesting some over the course of your natural play, then thats absolutely fine.  See the ‘Is natural important to you?’ section below.  The vaginal mucosa is naturally very absorbent so you may want to reframe that question to ask yourself whether you’re happy to put something into your vagina that you wouldn’t be happy putting in your mouth!

Do I need lube if I self-pleasure?

'Need’ would definitely be a strong word but a good amount of lubrication, whether self produced or gladly added will enhance or even make your experience, ensuring a smoother, more pleasure-filled feeling.

To learn even more about lube, and find answers to questions such as: Do I need a different type of lube if I'm using a toy versus sex with a condom versus no protection with a trusted partner?

(Hint: the answer is Yes!), Visit Part 2 of this series All about lube here.

Kathie Bishop MNIMH is a medical herbalist and the founder of Into the Wylde, an award winning natural intimate lubricant brand that is registered with the Vegan Society and The Soil Association.

She also runs the clinic The Wylde Herbalist, where she helps women transform their vaginal health. She firmly believes that lube is for every women, not just around and beyond menopause, and that everything is better with right one. 

3 steps to have more success in love in 2021

December is a time of year for retrospection…and introspection. 

As you look back on the year – and granted, it’s been a strange one – you can take stock of what you’ve learned.

And ask what wants to be left behind. What wants to be carried forward.

And what wants to happen in the new year so that you can create the love you want.

Journaling is a great way to do this.  

And I also recommend long walks in nature as you contemplate the following.

With the wisdom mined, you’ll then take informed, inspired action.

Step 1: Get clear on what you want in a relationship

This year in Dating

• What worked with meeting new people

• What didn’t 

• Who did you connect with easily. Why?

• What made a date feel good?

• What made a date flop?

Action:

Dating over time can be tough. And we can loose a sense for how much it actually teaches us. 

Write down 3 things that dating helped you understand about what you want in a relationship.

Read more on healthy relationships here.  

Step 2: Prep your heart for big love

This year in Love

• What wants letting go from this year

• Unreturned messages

• Bad dates

• Bad kisses 

• Dashed hopes

• Heartbreak big and small

• Patterns that keep repeating

Action: Write down 3 things you’re letting go of this year. Burn the paper. 

Fill yourself up with good stuff with this Heal Heartbreak meditation.

Step 3: Know you can have it (even if you never have)

This year in Sex + Pleasure

• Are you connected to your body? 

• Did you self-pleasure enough? 

• Did it feel sacred….or routine? 

• Did you only say yes when it was a HELL YES and your body was on board?

• What allows you to drop more into pleasure? 

• What keeps you from it? 

• Does it feel nourishing? 
  

Action:

Schedule sex in. Yep, even if it’s with yourself. Get that diary out and find 3 days that work for you. 

Not sure where to start? Watch this and learn about how your body is built for pleasure (for people with vaginas)

Your pleasure is yours to own. It’s your birthright and we’re all naturally wired for pleasure. 

You are the creator of your own pleasure. 

You are the creator of your life. 

And you can create the deep, connected, long-term healthy partnership that you want to. 

It starts with you. 

Scheduling sex is not only normal…it’s sexy. Here's why.

‘It is through rituals that the mind becomes clear, the heart opens, the senses become sharp, and the body tingles with aliveness and expectation.’

Margot Anand, The Art of Sexual Magic

Scheduling in sex (with your partner or yourself) makes it a ritual. And rituals are powerful.

Rituals bring meaning to the ordinary. As opposed to ‘habits’ which are done mindlessly.

Anyone who has had ‘habitual sex’ understands how boring – how mindless – it can be.

Habitual sex feels like a chore. We dread it. And feel guilty about not wanting it.

Scheduled sex, sex that is ritual, is sex infused with deep meaning. And it feels like magic. 

Here’s how to have deep connected sex regularly – on schedule – as a ritual.

Schedule sex in

Intentionally set aside time each week for sex.

Create a shared calendar. And get it in there. Text reminders to each other and have fun with it (aka foreplay).

Try not to cancel or reschedule. But if life happens, give yourself a break.

Heat it up: theme your sex dates as you put them in the calendar. Take turns preparing for it by ‘setting the scene’. Think of engaging all 5 senses. And talk about the sex you have after each date – learn what your partner liked and wants more of. Try this next time.

Take the pressure off: take the goal away. Commit to exploring your pleasure without the focus of orgasm. Discover new states of ecstasy beyond the O. Pleasure is vast.

Infuse meaning

In rituals, the most ordinary of actions and gestures become transformed into symbolic expressions, their meaning reinforced each time they are performed.

-Van Gennep, 1909

Meaning is what imbues the sex you have with a unique quality. As you schedule sex in consciously consider the deeper meaning this has for you: 

• That you care enough about yourself and each other to dedicate time and space for deep connection

• That intimacy –physical, emotional, mental–is valued and valuable to you

• That togetherness and unity is important and desired

• That you can trust yourself and one another to show up consistently

• That exploring pleasure together and luxuriating in that journey is a shared desire

Relax in and enjoy the ride

When you know sex is going to happen, it takes away the anxiety of wondering if and when. It buffers us against negative uncertainty. 

As a result, you feel more in control. This creates a sense of personal order. And in this the space to drop more fully into pleasure when it comes.

Scheduled sex allows us to open up and access to deeper dimensions of ourselves

By setting the space in your material world, your internal world re-organises itself in the expectation of experiencing things differently. 

Scheduled sex hones our attention, leading to heightened involvement and immersion in lovemaking when we come to it.

In conclusion: 

Scheduled sex is ritualistic in nature. It’s imbued with meaning and ironically, it brings us beyond the mundane. 

It draws us closer to ourselves and to our partner and as we intentionally connect with our pleasure and with each other. 

And remember – you can always have more. Just because you schedule sex in, doesn’t mean you can’t have the sex in the elevator or in the kitchen now and again.

3 sexy summertime aphrodisiacs

And let’s face it - dating can be stressful.

I’m here to help you make pre-date feel luxurious by encouraging you to indulge in the luscious sips I’ve selected.

Aphrodisiacs are super fun.

And delicious.

And sexy. 

Dive in!

---

Chili Lime Mango Margaritas

Sexy ingredient: Chili

Effects: Relieves anxiety symptoms

How: Goodbye butterflies! Releases the chemicals endorphins (relief of pain) + dopamine (reward + pleasure) in the brain which can trigger euphoria similar to a runner’s high

Get the recipe here.

Fresh Mint and Ginger Lemonade

Sexy ingredient: Ginger

Effects: Plumping of the lips. Increases libido.

How: Improves blood flow and circulation naturally. Antioxidants to help you feel and look your best.

Get the recipe here.

Iced Hot Chocolate (with Rose Petals - optional)

Sexy ingredient: Chocolate 

Effects: heart opening. Energising.

How: two chemicals it contains - tryptophan, a building block of serotonin, a brain chemical involved in sexual arousal. And phenylethylamine, a stimulant released in the brain when people fall in love.

Get the recipe here.

For extra romance add a sprinkling of rose petals to your glass. Mmmmm…Thanks to Meredith at Food at Heart for this gorgeous suggestion.

Soft truth: 

The amounts of the sexy substances in these summery drinks are likely too small to have any actual measurable effect on desire according to science.

But I know that filling yourself with pleasure is the best way to counter nerves and bring sense of ease and joy to you that will transform how you date. 

So if a placebo brings pleasure. I’m in.

Jade Egg Basics : What is this little stone all about. And why should you care?

The jade egg has changed my life. Literally. 

It put Pleasure with a capital ‘P’ back on my map after decades of increasing numbness in my body.

But I didn’t always love this little egg-shaped stone.

When I first heard of the jade egg I was like, “Nope, no way. You gotta be crazy. I’ve got to put what, where?”

I had a deep fear of putting anything inside of me, never mind something made of stone. 

The following information is based on what the jade egg did for me and countless other women - the jade egg’s been used in the US for over 40 years, and in Asia for thousands.

Yep, thousands.

There has to be something to it, right?

So what is it exactly? And how does it work?

******

1. The jade egg is a tool that can be used to support a deep, intimate understanding of your body and your sexuality. 

The jade egg is a stone made of certified jade and shaped into an egg. Like kegel weights, it can be gently invited into the vaginal canal to strengthen and tone the muscles inside of your body.

It can also be used together with tools such as meditation, visualisation, and focusing on body sensation to melt away layers of tension and holding that keep you from experiencing the fullness of pleasure.

Both your body and your sexuality belong to you, right? They are both with you all the time. So why was it that I felt that I had no clue about either at the age of 40? 

If you had asked me to describe my sexuality years ago, I would have gone straight onto Google (I actually did this) to look up the term sexuality. What did that encompass? How would I describe mine?!? I had no clue...

Now I would describe myself and my sexuality as gentle, strong, sensual, sexy, beautiful, alive, powerful, erotic, mystical, innocent and the list goes on and on. 

I know how to turn myself on and how to tell my lover (aka boyfriend) what I like and what I want. 

Am I perfect at this? Nope. But I’m 400% better at it than I was.

I continue to use the egg as a tool to learn about my body, keep her in good health. 

******

2. The jade egg can help you overcome whatever it is that is holding you back from being your fullest, most beautiful, most sexy self.

When I bought my first egg, it was about a year before I could even try to put the thing inside of me. I’d look at the little wonder with trepidation and worry and even fear. 

And the first times I tried to ease the egg into my vagina, I felt deep nausea and disgust come up. I just could not do it. 

So I learned to listen to my body. And my pussy. And work with her slowly. Until finally, gradually, over time she opened up to the little egg welcomed it in.

I came to realise that was surfacing was decades old beliefs and conditioning I had inherited from growing up in a religion that shamed masturbation and self-pleasure, a culture that labeled women who enjoyed sex too much as trashy, and a deep fear embedded in me around how sex would destroy my life (from disease, pregnancy, disrepute, the list goes on). 

It took some time to work through all of this. To trust my body. Trust my pleasure. And welcome it back in my body. 

The jade egg practices proved to be a practical way for me to do this. 

******

3. The jade egg will help you feel deeply nourished and alive

When I incorporate the jade egg into my daily life, I feel more fresh, vitalised and renewed. I sleep better. I feel fuller and more content. 

When you work with the jade egg deep in your body it can act as a kind of internal masseur, releasing tension and tightness (stuck energy) from your tissues and muscles. 

This allows for a more free flow of vital energy throughout your body, making you feel more vibrant and alive, or deeply relaxed depending on who you are. 

******

4. The jade egg helps increase sensitivity in your vagina

Remember how I was explaining before about all of those layers of conditioning that were causing me so many problems? 

Well, not only would I feel nausea with my jade egg practices, but I would also numb out during sex. Or feel burning sensations. 

What the heck? I thought sex was supposed to feel good all the time?!? That’s what Hollywood says anyway. I was sold a line? Why does no one talk about this?

Turns out if you, like me, carry emotional baggage of some sort, chances are your body has built up a barrier around feeling things. Love your body for doing this – it’s just trying to keep you safe. 

But now that part of you needs to learn that it’s ok to relax. 

As I learned to feel safe in my sexiness, I began to notice more feeling in my vagina. I started having cervical orgasms! And vaginal ones as well. 

Woohooo!!! It’s like a part of me that had gone into a long slumber was slowly coming alive again. 

******

5. The jade egg gives you permission to try on as many flavours of sexiness as you can imagine - it’s infinitely fun

Guided jade egg practices gave me a safe container within which to explore flavours of sensuality that I’d not previously allowed myself. 

I discovered I could be wild and still be wholesome. 

That I could be both erotic and innocent. 

I could surrender completely or take charge. 

Sexiness could be sacred or primal.

It was my choice. My pleasure. My body. My self-discovery. 

And in it I found so many parts of myself that I had buried away. 

Why do I think you might like the jade egg?

Because I know you are dying to know all the sides of yourself too. You are curious. You live your life courageously. You are bold. You are brave. 

You are exceptional. 

And remember, I’ve been there. You’ll have my support the whole way through. 

******

6. Jade Egg practices when done regularly heal your body. Here’s how: 

• Increase pelvic floor and vaginal wall strength

• Increase sensitivity in your vagina and your entire pelvic region

• Fortify a body / mind connection critical to enhancing pleasure and intimacy during sex with a partner or solo

• Feel empowered by your sexuality as you understand intimately how your body works

• Become more sensitive to energy and how it moves in your body

In my own personal experience in my own body it has also:

• Reduced and eliminated pain, burning and numbness in my vagina

• Steadied and normalized my menstrual cycle

• Reduced premenstrual symptoms of cramping and soreness

• Uplifted and balanced my emotions and my energy

• Gave me inner confidence by knowing and understanding my body’s ability to experience pleasure alone and with a partner

But don’t just take it from me. Here’s a YouTube vid where I interview a fellow jade egg coach on her own experience: How the jade egg helped one woman find love

Let your voice be heard in bed – and experience more pleasure

I used to really hold back in bed. 

I was afraid of what my neighbours might think if I made too much noise. 

I was afraid of the noises that wanted to come out – some of them were veeeerrrrryyyy far from sexy. 

And so I’d clamp down on my vocal cords and barely let out a peep during the whole event. 

Knowing what I know now, that was totally CRAZY. 

When you open your body fully to allow for the free-flow of energy through it, you allow for the full and full-bodied experience of pleasure.

Opening your body up fully involves letting loose your voice. 

And not just the performance-based sounds you hear in films and movies. You’ll want to work with the full range of sound available to you to understand what enables the best sexual response. 

This has been my personal experience AND there’s science behind it. 

Visceral sounding that comes from deep within you can trigger the vagus nerve, one of the main nerves that runs throughout your whole body from your brain all the way down to your cervix, uterus and vagina. 

The ups and downs, the rhythms, the tonality and range of your voice can activate this nerve, increase its connections within the body and facilitate orgasm and pleasure.

The vagus nerve supports relaxation in your body. It gets you out of the ‘fight flight freeze’ state which inhibits sexual arousal. 

As you relax, your sexual energy is free to move like an electrical current through your vagus nerve all up and down your body.

Once I allowed myself to ‘sound’ freely, my whole experience of sex changed. 

But it didn’t just happen over night. It took some practice.

How to use sound in sex: 

Mind preparation

Let go of judgement.

Don’t worry about what the neighbours will think, what your partner will think, or even what you think about the sounds that come forth. 

This is a grand experiment and we’re here to learn, not to perform at the Scala. 

So we want free-form and lots of trial and error. 

Repeat this mantra throughout your practice:

It’s good to sound. 

It’s good to sound. 

It’s good to sound.   

Heart preparation

Accept yourself for whatever you experience. 

And for whatever your ‘sexy sounds’ are – they’ll likely be very different from the Hollywood version. When was anything that came from Hollywood real anyway? 

It’s sexual linguistics - we’re here to learn what yours sounds like. 

Love yourself for even going there. Like a sexy explorer, you’re out to experience pleasure like it’s never been experienced before! And that takes courage, humility and bravery. 

You’ve got all of that!! Go for it. 

Repeat this mantra throughout your practice:

It’s beautiful to sound. 

It’s beautiful to sound. 

It’s beautiful to sound.  

Body preparation

Let your jaw drop open.

Inhale and exhale out of your mouth.

Bring your focus to different parts of your body – to your pussy, to your breasts, to your belly, to your legs. 

Notice the sensations there and then…SOUND THEM OUT. 

Give your womb a voice, your ovaries, your vagina, your labia and move throughout your entire body.

Your entire body is an instrument of erotic bliss.  

Wake it up with sound. 

And experiment!! 

Repeat this mantra throughout your practice:

It’s safe to sound. 

It’s safe to sound. 

It’s safe to sound.

Enjoy the liberation that sounding in sex brings.

Curious to know if it works for men too? Read my post on sounding for men here.

Sound: use it to experience wild, full-bodied pleasure for men

Sex is like surfing. 

Learn how to ride the waves of your sexual energy and you’ll feel it’s magnificent force as a full bodied pleasure experience.

And who doesn’t want a full-bodied experience of pleasure? 

If you could control your ejaculatory reflex and spread the experience of arousal throughout your whole body, rather than having it just centered around the head of your penis, why wouldn’t you? 

In order to do this, you’ll need to be able to fully surrender to your turn-on, like a surfer surrenders to the power of the wave. 

In surrendering, the surfer relaxes into the rise and fall of the power of the ocean beneath him. 

At the same time, he remains open and connected to his body. He is completely present.

Same thing with sexual arousal. 

When you learn to relax into your pleasure and ride the wave versus clamping down on it, repressing it or controlling it you become super sensitive to pleasure. 

So much so that you can move and spread that energy throughout your body and experience expanded states of bliss.

Open, surrendered, and connected are the states you’ll need to be in to ride the waves of pleasure.

One of the most powerful tools for opening yourself up to these states is to use your voice. To ‘sound’.  

Sounding in sex is allowing your body to have a voice. 

It’s giving sound or voice to whatever part of you wants to express itself in that moment. 

It’s allowing whatever sounds that want to emerge from you to come out however they want to come out. And not judging them. 

Often times we are ashamed of making noise during sex, and we clamp down on the sounds that would naturally come out. 

This could come through years of adolescence where masturbation happened on the down low and as quickly as possible so no one would hear.

And so men are expected to emit an occasional grunt or groan, but not much else in sex. 

Women are also assigned a set of ‘proper’ sounds during sex. 

But as is so often the case, what we are sold as acceptable ‘normal’ sex sounds are scripted for Hollywood or porn and are limited. 

We humans are much more interesting than that. 

So let yourself go. 

You can get used to the sound of your own voice first in masturbation. Self-pleasure is a great place tp start. Let the sounds come forth wild an uninhibited, and you may just find that the powerful raw sexual desire, lusty and potent, rises within as well. 

You may feel a bit silly for it at first. Remember that no one is watching.

Full-bodied pleasure is yours to be had. 

Claim it.

The more you love and accept yourself for your truest, fullest expression, the more you open yourself up to being loved exactly this way by another. 

Maximising Pleasure : The 5 stages of lovemaking

We’re sold the same story over and again – that there is a one fast track to gratifying sex (a.k.a. orgasm) and it looks like this:

It’s as if lovemaking were a sprint to the finish with not much happening before, after...or for that matter even during the act. 

It all happens virtually at one speed – fast. 

And one intensity (or one energy (as I like to think of it) – hard. 

Fast and hard. 

And then 💥 EXPLOSION 💥

Within a few glorious (if short-lived) minutes

It’s all over.

Before it’s hardly even begun.

Some say we learned this way of having sex from porn and follows the male sexual response patterning of fast and hard as porn is made mainly made by men for men (though there are notable exceptions). 

Others blame Hollywood which supports the culminating moment as a ka-pow! With little else. 

The fact of the matter is, the vast majority of us have learned about making love from either or both of these 2 sources. 

And wow are they limited as teaching aids. 

Lovemaking as a JOURNEY OF DISCOVERY

The journey of lovemaking is, in fact, just that – a journey. 

And if you think of the best journeys you’ve been on, you’ll likely tell me that they have been filled with exploration and discovery and adventure.

That there were unexpected twists and turns and unpredictability. 

That there were moments that sparkled with excitement and action. 

And times where you relaxed back into blissful peace and stillness. 

There was a deep connection with yourself and with others through all of it.

And sometimes things worked out as you planned. 

And sometimes they didn’t. 

But it was all just part of the adventure. 

And when you let go enough, there was a natural flow and an organic unfolding that felt right and perfect no matter what happened.

Maximizing pleasure is all about opening up to the possibility of the unknown. 

Of the adventure. And experiencing the variety of what comes. 

It’s about celebrating whatever happens. Of really being with yourself and the person you are with. 

Even if it doesn’t turn out as you’d expected.  

The journey looks something like this: 

And it can be broken down into 5 distinct stages.

Stage 1 : Desire

“Love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery. Love likes to shrink the distance that exists between me and you, while desire is energized by it. If intimacy grows through repetition and familiarity, eroticism is numbed by repetition. It thrives on the mysterious, the novel, and the unexpected. Love is about having; desire is about wanting. An expression of longing, desire requires ongoing elusiveness. It is less concerned with where it has already been than passionate about where it can still go. But too often, as couples settle into the comforts of love, they cease to fan the flame of desire. They forget that fire needs air.”

— Esther Perel, Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic

Sparkling desire: the first effervescent moments of fires lit and butterflies fluttering

Love…or lust...sometimes shows up in our bodies as a spark. 

We’re taken off-guard. It’s unexpected. We feel an instant inexplicable draw towards someone

The butterflies appear as if from out of the blue. Tongues tie. Jaws drop.
Desire can also be slow burning. It can show up as a slow gentle warming. Our curiosity becomes piqued the more we get to know someone

We begin to know them from the inside out

And they become more attractive over time.

However it happens, desire is discovery. Its mystery. Suggestion. Teasing.

It’s an anticipation of exploring the unknown. 

Each time you make love, approach it with the mind of an explorer, open and ready to journey into the unknown, whatever that may bring. 

Stage 2 : Yang

Yang - Crescendo: eros builds sensual touch developing very gradually into rhythm over time warming bodies, hearts and minds cresting again and again in waves of pleasure

Yang erotic energy is outward going, hot, pointed and directional. In this stage of lovemaking, you are building energy and heat. 

This stage begins with sensual, playful, undirected teasing touch, bites and nibbles. 

As your turn-on builds, you can spread it throughout your entire body by imagining it travelling from it’s starting point outwards and upwards. 

Upwards towards your heart and mind and outwards towards your arms and limbs. 

This spreading of your erotic energy (a.k.a. your turn-on) to all parts of your body is what is known as full-body orgasmic bliss. 

Note: We tend to get carried away in lovemaking sometimes by the intensity of the bodily sensations and other times into our heads. 

• Stay present throughout the time you are with someone. 

• 50% of the focus is on you and what you are experiencing, your pleasure. 

• 50% is on them and their experience.

• Keep coming back to your body again and again. To the moment. 

• Maintain eye contact to stay connected to your partner. 

And let go of expectations.

Stage 3 : Yin

Yin - Relaxing back: a gentle relaxing back and deepening into the richness of the exquisite moment

Yin erotic energy is soft, receptive, yielding, liquid, expanding. Relaxing back into yin allows for a deepening of erotic experience. 

It gives space for pure connection and a savouring of the present moment. 

“For sexual union to be fulfilling we need to honor in equal measure, the naturally occurring waves of Yang and Yin that hold the fabric of our formed world together. ”

— Ma Ananda Sarita , Tantra master and mystic

It allows your body to feel the nourishing pleasure cool as it courses through your bodies. 

Only to build again in the next wave.

In yin stages, you can lie with your bodies slightly apart, legs entwined. This allows you to stay connected through soft gaze. You can place your hands on each other’s heart centres. Speak lovingly and gently to each other or not at all. Whatever feels best. 

-- Cycle through yin + yang --

Experiment. Try cycling through yin and yang phases a few times. This allows the energy to build, greatly enhancing your experience. 

Your pleasure journey might look something like this:

First round yang

Sensual touch. Biting. Licking. Stroking. Caressing. Free-flowing movement. Exploration. Open up heart centre + belly. 

Next round yin

Work from outside in coming closer to the sex centre. Allow in more rhythmic movement as free-flow continues. Open up sex centre with direct touch.

Third round yang

Energy builds to overflowing.  Spread the energy throughout your body. Rhythmic movement and edging – relax back from the point of no return and orgasm.

Stage 4 : Spilling over // Storing the Energy

Choice point: Spilling over or Store the Energy

Let go and surrender into orgasm OR take the energy that you have generated and store it in your body to be repurposed for whatever you’d like to do in the world.

Spilling over: 

Surrender into pleasure and bliss allows for a peak experience. This can be orgasm or orgasmic bliss where you let go completely and allow yourself to dissolve into the pleasure. 

Storing energy: 

Erotic energy is creative energy and it can be stored, according to the Taoist tradition, by drawing it into one of your power centres (sex centre, heart centre or 3rd eye). You can draw the energy in by imagining it spiralling into one of the these centres in your body. 

For more in depth understanding of this practice, contact me and I’ll talk you through it. 

Stage 5 : Afterglow

Afterglow: peaceful shimmers...and so...it begins again

Desire is a flame that needs tending to.

And Love is a verb. 

A healthy relationship is warmed by the fires of mystery and desire – give space when it’s needed.

And held together by the safety and security of the closeness of love.  

Yin. Yang. 

Distance. Closeness. 

May the sacred dance between us continue.

3 ways to experience more pleasure (and less pain) in sex

When it comes to accessing your pleasure, all it takes is a shedding. A shedding of that which blocks you from feeling pleasure fully – or at all. 

Over the years, battle with the world, past relationships, rejections, sexual confusion, negative messaging from society and culture around sex and our sexiness is collected in our bodies. 

We build up a kind of protective shield like body armour to batten up our defences – and to stop us from feeling the yuck of all of that. 

Problem is, it also closes us off to the good stuff – the nuanced experience of exquisite sensuality – and from the experience of orgasm. 

So we end up feeling nothing at all in sex (with ourselves or with others). 

Or intense physical pain and discomfort during sex – exactly the opposite of what we hope to experience!

Good news is, you can learn to unlock your body and shed the armour you’ve built up. Peel off the layers. Feel sensations of pleasure and connection with ourselves and our partners.

Here are 3 ways to start the process of de-armouring your body: 

Breathe

Breathe into the parts of you that are stuck or numb or in pain. Imagine that the breath softens these places in you, relaxes them, and that you are breathing in space into your body.

Sound

Give voice to whatever you are feeling. Allow whatever sounds that want to emerge to come out. With no judgement on what or how it’s sounding. It’s all welcome.

Safety + Love

Reinforce a sense of safety and love in your body by reminding yourself that you are in fact safe (as long as this is true and you are physically and emotionally in a safe place.

Remind yourself that it is safe to feel. Safe to cry. Safe to be vulnerable. Safe to express whatever is there even if it doesn’t look or feel nice.

And love yourself for going there.

Feel into your heart as you repeat to yourself – You are safe. You are loved. I love you.

Remember that this is a journey that takes time. Every body is different. Every timeline is different. 

Know that whatever you experience, wherever you are with this, is exactly right. 

You are perfect. 

Katie Phillips on Learning to be Intimate

Katie shares how she drew love in by learning how to love men – and herself.

Wisdom comes in so many forms.

This time it’s shaped in the form of Katie Phillips, transformational coach, self-love expert + author.

Katie is incredible to learn from. One of the best in fact, as she’s internalised now embodies what she’s experienced in love and relationships – the challenges that life has offered her…

To get to know herself better
To learn how to love men rather than hate them 😈
And be intimate with both herself AND THEN with men

So that she could finally receive love
And live it fully.

She is indeed, Daring & Mighty.

I’ve invited Katie to speak with us about her journey and how she’s sharing her wisdom – and that of other women – in a series of very special dinner gatherings for the Daring & Mighty.

Mindfulness in the Bedroom – Connecting Deeply

Now-a-days, mindfulness is E*V*E*R*Y*W*H*E*R*E

It’s even creeping into the bedroom… 🛏under the covers

And we sure as hell need it there. 😯

We crave deep real soul-to-soul connection in intimacy in a world full of quick Tinder fixes and porn addictions that leave us unsatisfied.

In this video expert sex coach + sex educator, Kian de la Cour shares how Mindfulness in the bedroom is incredible for your sex life. 🧘‍♀

Learn how to get back the nourishment, aliveness, love + full-bodied delight that connected intimacy (both with ourselves + another) brings.

And how ‘mindful intimacy’ + being fully connected to your body in the bedroom feeds your soul + touches the heart of those you are with.

Kian speaks about how to start (2.08)

• Self-practice (aka masturbation)

• Decouple from habits

  • habitual ways of arousal learned from childhood or porn

  • from goal-orientation or sex with climax ending in orgasm

• Change the focus to feeling internally vs how I look / am performing

Here’s how to get started:

1. Put aside dedicated time with a start + end time

2. Set an intention (eg to relax completely, to let go of expectations, to NOT orgasm)

3. Explore your body in new ways. Play. Be curious. Expand outwards from just genital focus.

4. Breathe – Practice long exhales - relax your nervous system + open up to more sensation
   

How to Receive Easily + Let in Love

Good people give. Greedy ones take (aka receive).

This cultural belief has wreaked havoc on relationships.

And has kept many of us single for far too long.

Too much giving (and no receiving) is a defence AGAINST INTIMACY.

Receiving creates connection.

HOW TO RECEIVE (and let love in)

1. Start small - accept compliments w/ eye contact + really feel them land in your body. Find the truth in it within yourself.

2. Enjoy the pleasure of the gift - luxuriate in whatever is received. You’ll feel amazing. And the giver will so enjoy seeing you happy.

3. Practice boundaries - know you don’t need to reciprocate. You can receive for the pleasure of receiving. Full stop. If anyone demands something in return, then you might question their motives in giving.

WHY IT’S SO HARD TO RECEIVE

1. Defence against intimacy / allowing someone closer - it feels vulnerable to open yourself to another in this way.

2. Self-worth - you don’t feel you are worth the compliment, gift, etc.

3. We’re rewarded as children for sharing, not for receiving

4. We’re taught that pleasure is not safe to feel fully

5. Receiving means letting go of some control + this feels scary.

Solo Tantra 101 - Polarity: Get the sparks flying

My first 3 years of learning tantra were when I was single.

I practiced tantra on my own.

I share with you a basic tantric principle 💥 that of polarity 💥 

Or the push pull of life.

The magnetism that draws you to another person for instance.

Steps to increasing + practicing Polarity:

1. Decide if you want to be in the Go or Flow state

2. Transition fully into Go or Flow (most people are in Go - I give tips on getting into Flow)

3. Practice being in the state you choose. Partnered dance is a great way to practice.

The Go state is one where you are focused, have a sense of direction and movement and at the same time be present enough to feel into where the person in Flow is and respond.

Those in Flow states dance and move around the Go state person. There is power in the flow state as one cannot exist without the other. And people in Flow must listen into the Go state person so that they can receive the signals from them. The state is one of receptivity and relax.

Tantra is a vast philosophy and as rich as the ancient tradition from which it stems.

🧘‍♀🧘‍♂

Practicing on your own will help you to:

- to draw in love

- feel more sexy and alive

- awaken your body to pleasure

- become a master lover so you can share this with another

You could spend a lifetime studying it and only ever scratch the surface.

I recommend starting now.

Your sexy mind : reasonable, emotional and WILD

When we have sex, either with ourselves or with others, some of the most pleasurable experiences happen when all parts of us are ok with it.
By all parts of us, I mean all parts of our brain – and all parts of our being.

🧠❤🔥
In neuroscience we understand ‘all parts of our brain’ as the triune brain or 3 part brain (neocortex, limbic, reptilian 🦖 -- really?!!).

Similarly in ancient taoist tradition, our 3 energy centres (mind, heart + sex centres) must be ‘in alignment’ or in agreeance for us to experience the most powerful sex ever.

🧠❤🔥

Cutting-edge science meets ancient wisdom.

How sexy is that?

Learn to self-soothe – getting you back to good

One of the most difficult things about being single over the long run, is knowing that you’ve got to be self-reliant – for everything. 💪🏼

Sure you’ve probably got friends and family around for support. And I’m sure they are great – or as good as they can be. 👩‍👧‍👧 👨‍👩‍👧 👨‍👨‍👦

But sometimes in your darkest hours they can’t always be there. Maybe it’s too late at night to ring them or you feel that they are sweet, but they just don’t really understand you and what you’re feeling.

The truth of the matter is that even when you are in a relationship, that other person can’t be with you all the time to tell you it’s gonna be ok and that things will work out. In fact, sometimes the other person might have triggered in you anger, fear or sadness and you need some immediate TLC. 😮

Self-soothing is soooooo good. Because only you know exactly what you need to make you feel better.

And you are with yourself ALL THE TIME, so basically there’s always someone there to look out for you. 👭

So how do you find within yourself the ability to make yourself feel better? Especially when you feel like doo doo? 💩

Learn 6 (or more) ways to bring yourself back to good whether it’s recovering from a bad date or no date at all or when you just don’t feel so good. I’ll talk about:

1. Gentle touch

2. Non-linear movement

3. Golden light + love

4. Positive words / affirmations

5. Community + synchronised movement

6. Hugs

Feel sensational in bed by breathing in a whole new way

Let me be honest with you, when I first started to do a thing called “Breathwork” I HATED IT. 
I mean really, truly, fiercely hated it.

And yet it proved to be one of the keys to me opening up my body to pleasure after years of it slowly shutting down to sensation. 

On some level over the years I realised what was happening to my body. I’d stay the course, plowing through long hours of work and focus on a career that I loved. 

But it was too much computer time. Too little movement. Too much focus and not enough play. Not enough time outdoors. 🤕
Numbness took over. 

Years of it.

But with Breathwork as one of my basic yet super potent tools, I slowly broke through. 🤯

It didn’t happen overnight. 

And I still have a lot of resistance to doing Breathwork sometimes. Like going to the gym, you know it’s super good for you and you’ll feel better afterwards...it’s just so hard to GET there sometimes.  

But I keep at it. Because time and again I find it works.
It brings me back into my body. And allows me to feel whatever it is I need to feel so that I can get back to good again. 😌

And feel sexy and alive. And whole. 🌬

I talk about the breath. How it’s opened me up. How I still use it all the time in lovemaking and in life. 

I believe it’s the new yoga of our time. You might have already heard about it. And if you haven’t then come hear how it can help you too. 

Self-Pleasure Basics - How to really gain supreme confidence in dating (and in life)

You can only be confident in your sexiness – truly confident – if you know your body inside and out.

And self-pleasure is possibly THE best way to do that.

Imagine that you trusted your body completely, that you knew exactly what she wanted and needed at any time, and that you felt safe in your own sexiness. I'm talking about YOU being in charge here, no one else. 

Would that make you feel confident in dating? Hell yes! 

Would that make you feel confident in bed? That's another hell yes!! (Even got 2 exclams)

And that confidence radiates into your whole life.

Pleasure: the best thing to do for your health

“Consider a discipline of pleasure to be an investment in your health. A joyful heart and a body that experiences pleasure and nurturing are your most reliable health insurance.”

Dr. Christiane Northrup, Goddesses Never Age, The Secret Prescription for Radiance, Vitality and Wellbeing

I love this book by physician Dr. Christiane Northrup. You might have read her other best-seller and classic, “Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom”. Somehow I skipped that one and came right to “Goddesses Never Age”. ✨

And I’m glad I did. (Though I do plan on reading “Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom” too.)

Dr. Northrup writes about the scientific evidence that supports what I’ve learned through experience to be true: that healing happens through experiencing pleasure in your body on a regular basis.

This is what I find most interesting about this phrase in the quote above, 'Discipline of pleasure'. We're very good about being disciplined at work, with family responsibilities, paying the bills. 

I'm asking you to begin to bring some of the spirit of discipline, making something a priority and dedicating yourself to it, to the pleasure you experience in your life. It will change your body, your mind and your soul. 

And whilst pleasure doesn’t necessarily have to be sexual for you to feel the benefits, it’s definitely one of the most beautiful ways to experience blissful states of being – and as a result, fantastic health.

What you'll learn

In this video, I introduce you to a super sensual and oh so delicious tantric ritual that will get you right to the epicentre of pleasure: your body.

Sexual pleasure is an experience of all of the senses which are accessed through our body. The more you can drop into your body in sex whether solo or in company, the more pleasure you will experience.

And the more pleasure you experience, the healthier you will be.

Love Stories: How the jade egg helped one woman find love

"All relationships are a mirror of the one we have with ourselves, and by upgrading our inner landscape we upgrade the outer landscape."

This wisdom comes from Marilu Snyders, a Self-Love & Jade Egg Coach and founder of Fire Maya based in Cape Town, South Africa.

Marilu lives this truth and it’s reflected in her own journey from perpetual singledom to beautiful love with the support of some good coaching and a healthy and a simple, easy jade egg practice. 🌈

It wasn’t such an easy start though. Marilu’s jade egg lay unexplored on her bedside table for about 3 months (I think my first egg collected dust for a similar amount of time). 

It seems that many women who actually own a jade never actually use it. Some (like me) are too afraid to get the thing inside of them. 

Others of us are so accustomed are some of us to vibrating toys that sing and dance, this little stone seems to go unnoticed when it finally makes its way inside of our bodies.

We wait...and...feel nothing. NOTHING! 🤨

Marliu talks us through how she was able to work past the disappointment of her initial experience with the egg to go on to develop a practice that transformed her life in so many incredible ways. 

She teaches you her secret formula for setting up your own personal jade egg practice so that you too can bring some radical change to your life. 🦋