What Really Happens in Your First Session with a Sex Coach

You’re considering reaching out to a sex coach. Maybe you've been thinking about it for months, or perhaps a recent experience pushed you to finally take action and have a consultation call. You might be feeling a mixture of relief, nervousness, and uncertainty. And if you’re like me, nameless fear as you wonder what to expect. 

What will we talk about? Will I have to share embarrassing details? What if I freeze up and can't explain what I need? Will they judge me?

These questions are completely normal. As a certified sex and intimacy coach working with individuals and couples in London and globally through online sessions, I've sat across from hundreds of people in that first session. I understand the vulnerability it takes to show up and talk about something so personal, tender and meaningful.

So let me walk you through exactly what happens in that first session—and more importantly, help you understand why taking this step is one of the most powerful things you can do for your sexual wellbeing and intimate relationships.

Understanding Sex Coaching: What It Is (And What It Isn't)

Before we dive into what your first session looks like, let's clarify what sex coaching actually involves.

As a therapeutic sex coach who is trauma-informed, I work with sensitive issues whilst holding a focus on moving you forward. 

Sex coaching builds self-awareness, self-compassion and relational intelligence whilst also taking an educational, skill-building, and empowerment-focused approach that helps you enhance your sexual wellbeing, develop new practices, and achieve specific goals around intimacy. 

That said, these approaches often overlap and complement each other beautifully. Many of my clients work with both a therapist (for past trauma or mental health) and a sex coach (for practical skill-building and intimate relationship enhancement).

Unlike a licensed sex therapist, I do not diagnose and treat medical conditions affecting sexuality.

What Does a Certified Sex Coach Actually Do?

As a certified sex coach specializing in complex relational dynamics and somatic-based approaches to intimacy, I help clients with:

• Low libido in women and men: Understanding what's blocking desire and finding pathways back to it

• Performance anxiety in men: Addressing erectile concerns, premature ejaculation, delayed ejaculation, or pressure to perform

• Mismatched libido in couples: Creating solutions when partners want different frequencies of intimacy

• Sexual confidence: Rebuilding your sense of yourself as a sexual being after life changes, trauma, or relationship challenges

• Communication about sex: Learning how to express desires, boundaries, and needs effectively

• Conscious intimate relationships: Developing deeper connection through sacred sexuality and mindful presence

• Painful sex: Exploring physical, emotional, mental and relational factors contributing to discomfort

• Sexual shame: Unraveling cultural, religious, familial or personal messages that limit your pleasure

• Intimacy after trauma: Trauma-informed approaches to reclaiming sexuality safely

The common thread? I help you understand your unique sexual landscape and develop practical skills to create the intimate life you want.

What Actually Happens in Your First Sex Coaching Session

Your first session typically lasts 75-90 minutes (sometimes longer than subsequent sessions) because we're laying important groundwork. Here's what you can expect:

Creating Safety and Confidentiality

The very first thing I do is establish the parameters of our work together—and most importantly, assure you that everything you share is completely confidential. This isn't just a nice sentiment; it's legally protected and ethically fundamental to my practice.

I want you to understand that:

• Nothing you say will shock me: I've heard it all, and my role is to create a judgment-free space

• You control what you share: You never have to disclose anything you're uncomfortable discussing

• We move at your pace: If something feels too vulnerable, we can slow down or approach it differently

• This is your session: You're in charge of what we focus on

Many clients tell me that simply feeling this safety allows them to relax in ways they haven't in years. For those who struggle with how to talk about sex in a relationship or have internalized shame around their sexuality, this non-judgmental space can be genuinely transformative.

Getting to Know You: Your Story and Context

I'll invite you to share what brought you to sex coaching. This might include:

Your current concerns: Are you experiencing low libido? Performance anxiety? Pain during sex? Feeling disconnected from your partner? Struggling with desire?

Your relationship context: Are you in a committed relationship, dating, single and wanting to prepare for future intimacy, or exploring your sexuality independently?

Relevant background: While we don't dive deep into trauma history in the first session, understanding key experiences that shape your current sexuality helps me support you appropriately. As a trauma-informed coach, I'm trained to hold space for these experiences safely.

What you've already tried: Have you read books, tried apps, talked with friends, seen a talk therapist? Understanding what hasn't worked helps us avoid repeating those paths.

Your life context: Work stress, parenting demands, health conditions, cultural or religious background—all these factors influence your sexual wellbeing and intimacy.

Here's what's important: I'm listening for patterns, not judging your story. I'm noticing what lights you up when you talk about it, where shame or anxiety appears, and what resources you already have that we can build on.

Clarifying Your Goals and Desires

This is where we shift from understanding the problem to envisioning the solution. I'll ask questions like:

• What would your ideal intimate life look like?

• If we work together for three months and you feel our sessions were successful, what will have changed?

• What would you like to feel more of? (Desire, confidence, connection, pleasure, freedom, playfulness?)

• What would you like to feel less of? (Anxiety, shame, pressure, pain, disconnection?)

For some clients, goals are very specific: "I want to be able to have penetrative sex without pain" or "I want to overcome erectile anxiety." For others, they're more expansive: "I want to feel comfortable in my body during intimacy" or "I want to reconnect with my partner erotically."

Both types of goals are valuable. We'll work together to make them specific and achievable while honoring the bigger vision you have for your sexual wellbeing.

Understanding How We'll Work Together

I'll explain my approach to sex and intimacy coaching, which includes:

Somatic-based practices: Working with your body and nervous system, not just talking about sex intellectually. This might include breathwork, embodiment exercises, or mindfulness practices.

Trauma-informed care: If you have a history of sexual trauma or adverse experiences, our work will be paced carefully to avoid re-traumatization while helping you reclaim your sexuality.

Holistic perspective: We'll look at the whole picture—physical health, emotional wellbeing, relationship dynamics, stress, lifestyle, and spiritual connection (if relevant to you).

Practical tools: You'll leave most sessions with specific exercises, practices, or experiments to try between our meetings.

Sacred sexuality principles (if this resonates with you): Viewing intimacy as a pathway to deeper consciousness, connection, and energy cultivation.

I'll also explain logistics: session frequency (typically biweekly), how we communicate between sessions, what homework looks like, and how we'll track progress.

Initial Assessment and Next Steps

By the end of the first session, we'll have a preliminary roadmap. This might include:

Immediate areas of focus: What we'll work on first 

Practices to begin: Simple exercises you can start right away 

Resources: Books, articles, or tools that might support your journey 

Potential referrals: If you need medical evaluation (for pain or erectile issues) or psychological support, I'll recommend appropriate professionals 

Session plan: How often we'll meet and what to expect over the coming weeks

What We Won't Do in the First Session

It's also helpful to know what doesn't happen:

• No graphic demonstrations: Sex coaching is talk-based and educational; there's no physical touch or sexual activity

• No pressure to disclose everything: You share what feels right; there's no requirement to detail your entire sexual history

• No empty promises: While I'll give you some initial tools for some immediate results, but know that deep change takes time—I'm not promising quick fixes

• No judgment about your choices: Whether you're monogamous, polyamorous, exploring kink, or have specific religious values, I respect your choices

Common Questions About First Sex Coaching Sessions

"Will I Have to Talk About Embarrassing Things?"

The things that feel most embarrassing to you are often exactly what need to be discussed—and they're likely not remotely embarrassing to me. Remember, this is my professional specialty. What feels shameful to you is probably something I've addressed with dozens of clients.

That said, you never have to share anything you're not ready to discuss. We can take an indirect approach to sensitive topics until you feel comfortable being more explicit.

"What If I Can't Articulate What's Wrong?"

Many clients come to me saying, "I don't know exactly what the problem is, I just know something's not right." That's completely fine. Part of my role is helping you develop language and clarity around your concerns. We'll explore finding a language for them together.

"Can My Partner Come to the First Session?"

This depends on your situation:

Couples sex coaching: If you're seeking support as a couple, yes—both partners typically attend from the beginning. We'll explore each person's perspective and find shared goals.

Individual coaching first: Sometimes one partner benefits from individual sessions initially, especially if there's personal shame, trauma, or confidence issues to address before involving their partner.

We can discuss what makes most sense for your unique situation during our initial consultation.

"How Will Online Sex Coaching Work?"

Many of my clients work with me via Zoom globally, and online sex coaching is remarkably effective. You'll be in a private, comfortable space (your home, office with door closed, car if needed). Video allows me to pick up on non-verbal cues while you remain in your own environment.

Benefits b  online coaching include:

• Accessing specialized support regardless of location

• Comfort of your own space

• Flexibility in scheduling

• Easier for couples with busy schedules or childcare challenges

"What If I Realize It's Not the Right Fit?"

Finding the right coach or therapist is crucial. If after the first session (or consultation) you don't feel we're a good match, that's valuable information. I'd rather you find someone who resonates with you than continue working with someone who doesn't feel right.

Part of the first session is assessing this mutual fit. Do you feel heard? Does my approach make sense to you? Do you feel hopeful that this could help?

Preparing for Your First Session

To make the most of your initial appointment:

Reflect beforehand on what you want to gain from sex coaching. Jot down notes if helpful.

Be honest about your concerns, even if they feel trivial or embarrassing. What seems small often isn't.

Prepare questions you have about the coaching process, my background, or my approach.

Ensure privacy if we're meeting online—find a space where you won't be interrupted or overheard.

Be gentle with yourself afterward. First sessions can bring up unexpected emotions. Plan something nurturing for after our call.

What Happens After the First Session

Following our initial meeting, you'll have clarity about:

• Whether sex coaching is the right approach for your concerns

• What our work together might look like over the coming weeks or months

• Specific initial practices or exercises to begin

• When we'll meet next and what we'll focus on

Most clients leave the first session feeling a mixture of relief (that they've finally addressed this), hope (that change is possible), and perhaps vulnerability (having opened up about sensitive topics). All of these are normal and healthy responses.

Is Sex Coaching Right for You?

Sex coaching can be valuable if you're experiencing:

✓ Persistent challenges with desire, arousal, or pleasure 

✓ Communication difficulties about sex with your partner 

✓ Sexual shame or anxiety limiting your intimate experiences

✓ Life transitions affecting your sexuality (menopause, parenthood, aging, illness) 

✓ Desire to deepen your intimate connection and explore new dimensions of sexuality 

✓ Performance concerns or confidence issues 

✓ Mismatched libido creating tension in your relationship 

✓ Recovery from sexual trauma and readiness to reclaim sexuality 

✓ Curiosity about conscious intimacy, sacred sexuality, or tantric practices

Sex coaching may not be appropriate if: 

✗ You're experiencing severe mental health crisis requiring immediate clinical intervention 

✗ You need medical diagnosis or treatment for sexual dysfunction (though I can refer you to appropriate providers) 

✗ You're not ready to actively engage in the process or implement practices between sessions

Your Journey Begins With One Conversation

Taking that first step to book a session with a sex coach requires courage. It means acknowledging that your intimate life matters enough to invest in it. It means being willing to be vulnerable about something our culture teaches us to keep private. It means choosing growth over resignation.

I want you to know: you don't have to navigate these challenges alone. Whether you're struggling with low libido, performance anxiety, communication about intimacy, painful sex, sexual shame, or simply want to enhance your already-satisfying intimate life—support is available.

As a certified sex and intimacy coach trained in somatic-based and trauma-informed approaches, I create a safe, compassionate space for exploring these deeply personal aspects of your life. Working with clients in London and globally through online sessions, I've witnessed countless individuals and couples transform their relationship with sexuality and intimacy.

Your first session is simply a conversation—one where you're finally heard, understood, and supported in creating the intimate life you deserve.

Book your complimentary consultation to explore whether sex coaching is right for you, or learn more about my approach to intimacy and relationship coaching.

The intimate life you desire is possible. Let's explore it together.

From Microadventures to Mini-erotic explorations – Do-able, simple ways to keep things fresh in love

The unrelenting stress of modern life has left many couples that I speak to (myself included) too exhausted for intimacy. 

And in an era digital distraction, it’s hard to be fully present with our partners when we’re pulled left, right and centre by our devices, and stretched thin. 

A microadventure, according to British adventurer and author Alastair Humphreys , is an adventure that is ‘short, simple, local, and cheap – yet still fun, exciting, challenging, refreshing and rewarding’.

It is about getting out of your comfort zone, doing what you do not normally do and ‘stretching yourself: mentally, physically or culturally.’ And I’d add, erotically. 

Microadventures – including the erotic kind – sound to me, like the perfect option for Valentine-ing this year. 

And doing this in microdoses, feels much more do-able. 

Here are some ways: 

Travel the World without Leaving Your Living Room: Choose a country or theme (Parisian cafe night, Italian gondola ride), evoke that place with a few small touches (simply shifting your kitchen table to a different position in the room, picking up some paper table cloths and lighting a candle or two can make a big difference), cook themed dishes (or order in), learn basic phrases like ‘I adore you’ in the chosen language, play music, and kiss like the French. Let your imagination transport you, it’s an incredibly powerful vehicle.

Erotic adventuring Play is a big part of adventuring and absolutely belongs in the bedroom. It involves fun, is hands-on, takes some risk-taking and your full presence. Try the 5 senses game. One person blindfolds the other and then surprises them by teasing their way through the 5 senses. Choose their favourite flavours (eg raspberries), put on music that your partner loves, wear a scent they go crazy for, play with different types of sensual touch, and wear something sexy – or nothing at all – for when the blindfold comes off at the end. Learning and laughing as you go brings a sense of lightness to the bedroom. And a sense of magic.

Spontaneous Mini Road Trip…Across Town Spontaneity awakens passion and excitement. Pick a lesser-known yet close destination that wants exploring, and hit the road for a micro-getaway. FYI I like to have at least one or two ‘back-up destinations’ lined up if I’m the planner, so that you don’t find that everything is spontaneously and surprisingly closed. And then from there branch off and explore the new neighbourhood as if it were a whole new city.

Additional Tips:

• Focus on connection over perfection: The goal is to spend quality time together, not impress each other. Embrace spontaneity and unexpected moments.

• Set expectations: Discuss your budget, any time considerations, and anything else to make it feel small enough to be achievable.

• Make it an ongoing adventure: Turn microadventuring into a habit, exploring new places and activities throughout the year –  Including erotic exploration.

If you feel out of practice in the bedroom, here’s how to boost your confidence

If you’re feeling out of practice when it comes to the art of intimacy, know that you are not alone. 

I work with many women and men both who have spent much of their adult lives single, and / or have had long stretches of voluntary abstinence from sex. These gorgeous, sexy people often feel that they don't have enough experience to ‘perform’ in a way that they felt their potential mate might expect from someone their age.

If this was not the case for you before the pandemic, it may be so now post 18 months more or less of restrictions from intimate connection due to Covid. I was recently asked by the Metro to comment on this.

So here are some ways that you can feel more confident in the bedroom whether you’ve had loads of experience (and now feel ‘out of shape’) or none at all. 

Experience doesn't really matter

How two people are intimate with each other is unique and the way your needs, wants and desires are met translates into a unique intimate experience. 

Considering this, you will never recreate the same experience you’ve had with one person, with someone else. 

What's important is for you and your partner to build your own relationship of trust and intimacy based on your mutual connection.

How you love is what makes you unique

Expression of love and intimacy is a beautiful thing and the qualities that make you unique - maybe even the things that you see as weaknesses - are what draw people to you. Give space to the evolving trust and recognise the strength that lies in your own qualities.

Allow for the unknown

It's normal to be fearful of what might - or might not happen. But you should also allow for and embrace the unknown because that's the space where excitement and anticipation and desire flourish.

Let the cat out of the bag

If you feel awkward or hesitant about being intimate with someone again after a long time, it can actually bring you closer if you share what you are feeling. It’s highly likely that the other person shares your sentiment. Or is experiencing some hesitation and uncertainty. 

If you are courageous enough to name your experience, even if it feels vulnerable and scary, then know that this often builds trust, safety and connection. Key elements to having better sex. Especially if what you want is an experience that is connected and pleasure-filled. 

Rediscover your own intimacy

It's important that you connect and reconnect intimately with your own body to understand what you need or want, and the physical responses that such intimacy triggers. 

This helps to encourage confidence and makes the invitation to someone to share that space with you much easier

Take all the time you need

Most people who have not had an intimate relationship for some time lack confidence. It's okay to take things slowly. Begin with simple touches and gestures that allow you to learn about each other's responses and don't create pressure to 'perform'.

Remember, you're not alone

If you would like support in building confidence in the bedroom and / or would like to expand your experience of pleasure, do get in touch and book in a discovery call. I support men and women both in this in both one-to-one coaching as well as through powerful group work.

You are not alone.

All about lube Part 2 - What is the right kind to use when

If you’re anything like me, you are super careful about what you put into or onto your body.

I prefer natural, organic, chemical-free products because yes, my body is a temple.

And so, whilst I prefer to use natural oils like coconut as lube, it’s not the best choice for everyone.

Choose your lube carefully depending on whether you’re going for a sexy experience with a toy or condoms, and how your body reacts to whatever you put on it or in it.

Here’s what medical herbalist and natural intimate lubricant creator Kathie Bishop has to say about which lube to choose.

Do I need a different type of lube if I'm using a toy versus sex with a condom versus no protection with a trusted partner?

In general, the answer is yes. There are four main types of lubricant available and they each have their own features:

Water

Good for use in virtually all situations, water based lubricants are safe for use even with condoms and toys and generally won’t stain the sheets… Might not be long lasting enough though for anal play (the anus doesn’t have a mucosal lining, and therefore doesn’t produce any of its own lubrication so always needs generous lubricant application).

Silicone

Also long lasting and often hypoallergenic, this can be more suitable for water based play and anal sex. Definitely not suitable for use with toys!

Hybrid

These lubes are water based with a small amount of silicone, making a creamy texture, which combines the best aspects of both types, long lasting lubrication and versatility. Some maybe suitable for use with toys but always to do a patch test first!!!

Oil

Very long lasting, great for low reapplication rate, an oil based lube can be great for massage too – just not for condom use! It can also play havoc with the vaginal pH.

What kind of lube is right for me + how can I decide?  

There are a few factors that you might want to consider when choosing your lube such as what you want to use it for, where and with whom/what. And don’t forget, you can buy more than one for use in different situations!

Do you have any sensitivities?

Many women know if they have any vaginal sensitivities or irritation, but some women only realise when they have a reaction to a product. If you do have these kinds of sensitivities, look for lubes that avoid glycerine or promises such as warming, flavour or tingling etc. Instead look for a lube that promises to be pH balanced to intimate pH of between 3.8 – 4.5, and has an osmolarity of less than 380mOsm/kg – meaning that it will not dry out vaginal tissues.

You may also want to avoid lubes with any of these ‘nasties’ as ingredients.

Is natural important to you?

Vaginal mucosa is some of the most absorbent tissue of the body – meaning that a high percentage of what goes on it, gets into the bloodstream. You should be totally fine with whatever lube you use to get into your mouth too! With this in mind, are natural, non-toxic ingredients important to you? Check the full ingredients list. Some products call themselves natural, and do have some natural ingredients in, but just not their full list. Know what you’re putting in your body using the info here.

Do you use any barrier method contraception?

In this case you should be using a water or silicon based lube.

Are you trying to conceive?

Then make sure you use a lube that is pro-conception – the pH of sperm is much higher (at around pH6) and a pro-conception lube will have matching pH. It is worth bearing in mind that these lubes may irritate your vagina because of these pH issues.

Are you going to go anal?

A silicone or thick water based lube may be better here. Silicone lasts longer than a water based one, and oil wouldn’t be suitable here due to the use of condoms (a barrier method is a good idea here to prevent the transmission of any potential HIV).

Are you using a toy?

Then make sure you use a water based, not a silicone based lube, as silicone based ones could depredate the surface of a toy, especially if its made from silicone – if in doubt, go with a water based one.

As you can see, there’s a lot more to gain from using the right lube and lots of experimentation and fun to be had! Introduce lube into your intimate encounters as you would any other idea, with confidence. And enjoy!!

Kathie Bishop MNIMH is a medical herbalist and the founder of Into the Wylde, an award winning natural intimate lubricant brand that is registered with the Vegan Society and The Soil Association.

She also runs the clinic The Wylde Herbalist, where she helps women transform their vaginal health. She firmly believes that lube is for every women, not just around and beyond menopause, and that everything is better with right one. 

Photo by Jeremy Bishop on Unsplash

How to talk about sex in a new relationship

The following post has been made into a very sexy and much more complete and pleasurable to read eBook which you can download here.

The idea that someone should just be able to ‘feel into you’ and if they can hit all your spots, they must be ‘the right one’ is a myth.

Please know that if you talk about sex in super early stage dating, you’re not going to ‘mess it up’. Though I get it. The early days, weeks and months of dating someone new can feel super tenuous.

You might feel like one wrong move will send the whole house of cards tumbling. 

And so you kind of mosey into sex for the first time under the foggy cloak of suggestiveness and feeling like it’s ‘going to happen’.

And in doing so have seriously threatened your chances of having the best sex now and forever with this person.

Because studies have shown that couples that are able to talk openly about sex, are the ones that experience the best sex. 

And this talking wants to happen early. 

And I mean super early. 

Because let’s just say it like it is, very few people are mind-readers – paranormal powers remain relatively rare amongst us humans today. 

And whilst communication can happen beyond words, through movement towards or away or encouraging sounds, even if you’re good with non-verbal cues, you may be missing out on more than you might think. 

If you want to know how your partner likes to be touched and where, where their boundaries are, what works for them and what doesn’t, then you need to ask. 

Everyone is different. So even if you’ve been the most incredible lover on the planet in the past, everybody and every ‘body’ is different. And what works for one person may not work for another. 

The more information you have to work with, the better you can support the other person in experiencing pleasure and share in their joy. And help them understand you and your body so they can do the same for you. 

If you want to have good sex – to give pleasure and receive it – you need to communicate both your own wants, needs, and desires to your partner, and to ask them what works for them as well.

What should be talked about, exactly? 

What is the best way to bring it up in the first place?

And how to deal with the awkwardness of it all? 

Here are some guidelines on how to have the conversation. And move beyond the initial awkwardness, in the name of great sex for all involved. 

How do I bring it up? It’s so awkward.

Sex is a part of life. It’s natural. It’s healthy. 

And yet, society, culture and religion have coded into us that it’s shameful to speak about openly – even with those that we are hoping to be intimate with. 

We can have sex more easily than we can talk about it. 

And the price of this is quiet frustration, fumbling, and fear which put a big damper on our level of enjoyment under the covers. 

Talking about sex will feel awkward at first for most, so know you are not alone. So be kind to yourself. No judging or criticising yourself for having things come out differently than you planned. 

Know that like with most things, the more you do it the easier it gets. 

How to make it easier: 

Call yourself out. If it feels weird or you are unsure about talking openly about sex early on in dating, say so. This can help defuse the emotional charge. 

‘It feels a bit awkward to talk about this, but it’s important to me to share with you what’s coming up for me around getting closer to you. Would you be up for a conversation about sex?’

‘It might be a bit too early to have this conversation, but it feels better for me to bring it up now as things move forward with us. Would you be open to a conversation about us sleeping together?’

‘I know most people don’t talk openly about sex before they have it, and I feel a bit embarrassed by asking this, but it’s important to me to understand a few things before we go there. How would an open conversation sound to you?’

Vulnerability is the key to intimacy. And when you share a deep truth that feels scary, it gives the other person permission to do the same. 
And creates space for you to come closer together. 

Normalising the conversation around intimacy and pleasure is one of the best thing you can do for your sex life. 

When should I bring it up?

Start early – before you’ve had sex at all. 

Have I done this? Errrrmmmm….nope. Which is why I am writing this post. 

I wish I had. In every case. 

There’s a fear or misconception that if you talk about sex too early then you’re going to disrupt the buildup, kill the mood, wreck havoc on anticipation, or look like a prude or the opposite – that you’re desperate. 

Thereby ruining your chances of any kind of relationship with someone you actually for once kind of like.  

Not to mention the risk feeling like a complete weirdo for nothing.

Well, let me tell you, feeling some awkwardness and discomfort in having the conversation outside of the bedroom, can make what happens in the bedroom for the first time a gazillion times better. 

And if things with this gorgeous human you are getting to know continue over the long run, you have a solid base to work from.

As you pass through life together, your bodies change, your needs and desires shift, and your experience in the bedroom does as well. 

Your ability as a couple to communicate about the sex you’re experiencing or not experiencing will have repercussions for the lifespan of your relationship.

And can make it...or break it. 

Start talking about sex early on in a relationship, and you’ll have better sex over the short – and long term.

How to make it easier: 

Invite the other person to have the conversation. Don’t spring it on someone last minute or dive right in.

You can say something like: 

“It feels like we’re getting closer and I’m really attracted to you. Before I jump your bones, I’d love to have a conversation about it all so that we’re both on the same page. When would be a good time?”

“I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you. And I look forward to that continuing. Before we get physical, it would be great to have a chat about it. I’d love to hear how you feel about it, and I’d love to share what’s going on for me too. Are you free for coffee any time this week?”

Talking in the heat of the moment when you’re naked for the first time with someone, might make you feel extra vulnerable. 

So make time away from the bedroom when neither of you are rushed or tired. And where you feel comfortable, relaxed, safe and where it’s private.

And all this said, it’s never too late to start. If you’ve already been with the person, go ahead and open a conversation 

What do we talk about exactly?

There are 3 main areas that want to be covered here: 

• What sex means 

• Safer sex: sexual health

• Pleasure

If that feels like a lot, it’s because it is! 

Remember, this is the first of many conversations you’ll have over time with someone. So as long as you cover the basics before you jump in the sack, know that you can deepen in later.

Start with the more simple stuff to establish trust and intimacy. And keep it light. 

What sex means

Sex means different things to different people. 

What is the meaning you’re making from it? And what are the expectations that go along with that?

You can ask: 

What does sex mean to you? Now? In the past?

In this relationship? In others?

If you’re having sex for the first time with someone, what does that mean to you? To them? Will you expect something more or different once you’ve been intimate with them physically?

Meaning may change over time but you want to be sure things are clear from the start. 

Safer sex = more pleasure

This topic of conversation more than any other, should happen away from the bedroom to ensure honesty and openness. 

STIs

For first time lovers or if your partner has been with someone else – ask when they were tested for STI’s (sexually transmitted infections). And to see the results. 

It can feel sticky to ask for this for a number of reasons. You might worry about how the other person might react to the request. That they’ll feel judged. Or even that it’s somehow too personal of a thing to ask, despite the fact that you’re considering getting as close as humanly possible to them.  

Or you make it mean certain things about you. That you’re being overly cautious. That you really know how to kill the mood.

In fact, when you go in knowing that you’re having safe sex, you can relax more physically and feel more secure psychologically and emotionally as well. The more you are able to relax in sex, the more pleasure you’ll experience. 

Remember, this is about you and your body. It’s your responsibility to take good care of your health.

And if the other person has a similar sense of self-responsibility, self-care and self-love, they’ll appreciate the request. 

Contraception options

Contraception is a non-negotiable when it comes to safer sex. The decision to make is not if, but which.

First ask yourself what options do you feel most comfortable with?

What do you prefer to stay away from? 

Then speak with your partner. Hear them out, align on an option and on you go. 

Pleasure, desires and expectations

Be playful and curious as you open up about what you’d like to experience in lovemaking.

Start light. And steer clear of judging yourself or your partner about what you’d like to experience or experiment with.

This makes it feel safe for you both to open up.

Remember, even if you voice a desire or hear one from your parnter that doesn’t mean that you’ve actually got to play it out.

For anything involving fantasies, fetishes or kinks (basically anything beyond simple ‘vanilla sex’), you’ll want to negotiate boundaries and limits. 

You can ask: 

I want to have a great experience together, so I’d love to learn a bit about what you like. Would you be open to sharing? 

Share as much as feels good. If there’s anything that you don’t want to speak about right now, that’s ok. 

What do you tend to like during sex? 

Do you prefer softness and a light touch? Or something more physical and wild? 

Is there anything that you definitely don’t like? 

How often do you like to have sex?

You can download a "Yes, No, Maybe" sexual boundary list that you and your partner can discuss. I like this one but you can google for others.

Is there anything that I should not bring up?

No. If you have concerns or questions that you want answers for in order to feel safe and ready for sex, then bring it up.

At the same time, respect the other person’s capacity to have the conversation. Go slowly and take your time. Don’t force responses. 

In the end, it’s up to both of you to decide if you want to have sex with one another, and when. 

If you feel that they are withholding information that threatens your health or safety, whether that be emotional, psychological or physical, then it’s a ‘no’ until you are truly ready.

And if you don’t feel safe in sharing what’s alive for you, then that is a sign that perhaps it is not the right time or right person. 

Coaching can give you great support in working through your own blockers to having difficult conversations and building a healthy relationship with your own sexuality so that you feel confident in sharing words – and a bed – with another. 

Can we just do this over text?

Yes! If this is going to help you have the conversation at all, then hell yes. 

However, eventually you’ll likely want to have these conversations face-to-face. They build intimacy and closeness, trust and connection. 

Healthy relationships are built on a foundation of good, open, honest communication, trust and safety. 

As is phenomenal sex.

If you want to have the best sex ever, it’s best you get chatting.

All about lube Part 1 - why you need it and what that means

Lube changed my life. 

It really did.

It took the pressure off of me and my body to produce enough self-generated fluid on-demand. 

And allowed me to relax into pleasure waaaaaay more. 

And so considering how important lube has been to enhancing my pleasure under the sheets, I decided to invite lube creator and expert Kathie Bishop to tell you all about it. 

Here is her wisdom.

Live, Love, Lube

Using a lube should be a good experience, and these days there are so many to choose from you don’t need to put up with anything sticky, staining or irritating. So when buying a lube here’s several questions that may come to mind that can help you find the best one for you:

Why would you want to use a lube?

Using lube is great choice for solo or partnered play because it can reduce painful friction that otherwise may disrupt your enjoyment. But more than that, for vagina owners, penetration of a minimally lubricated vagina can cause micro-abrasions and trauma to the delicate vaginal tissues, making them more susceptible to opportunistic infection by candida, bacterial vaginosis-causing bacteria, STIs or HIV. And this is where choosing a good lube can come in handy - because after all, everything is better with (the right) lube!

If I need lube a lot does it mean I'm not turned on enough / like the person I'm with enough? 

There are many reasons that as a vagina owner you can be turned on, but not producing as much lubricant vaginally as you would like or expect. That’s nothing to be ashamed of.  It’s totally normal and there is nothing wrong with you. Some reasons could include stress, your hydration levels, your hormone levels (your point in the cycle and being postpartum come into it here), and any medications you’re on - anti-histamines and some antidepressant medication are great examples that can dry out mucosa. What’s really important here is that you feel aligned in consent around the person you are about to be intimate with.

I used to never need lube and now I feel like I do. What's going on? 

Our bodies change over time.  Hormone levels affect vaginal and vulval tissue, as well as levels of lubrication, and stress can affect our hormone levels.  Peri-menopause, which can start from around 40 years of age, is marked by a gradual decline in oestrogen levels as we head towards menopause, and this impacts vaginal lubrication too.  It can feel confusing, but know that it’s totally normal, natural and nothing to feel shame around.

Is lube ok to eat / lick? 

Most lubricant companies wouldn’t advertise out-right that you eat their products, but if you do end up ingesting some over the course of your natural play, then thats absolutely fine.  See the ‘Is natural important to you?’ section below.  The vaginal mucosa is naturally very absorbent so you may want to reframe that question to ask yourself whether you’re happy to put something into your vagina that you wouldn’t be happy putting in your mouth!

Do I need lube if I self-pleasure?

'Need’ would definitely be a strong word but a good amount of lubrication, whether self produced or gladly added will enhance or even make your experience, ensuring a smoother, more pleasure-filled feeling.

To learn even more about lube, and find answers to questions such as: Do I need a different type of lube if I'm using a toy versus sex with a condom versus no protection with a trusted partner?

(Hint: the answer is Yes!), Visit Part 2 of this series All about lube here.

Kathie Bishop MNIMH is a medical herbalist and the founder of Into the Wylde, an award winning natural intimate lubricant brand that is registered with the Vegan Society and The Soil Association.

She also runs the clinic The Wylde Herbalist, where she helps women transform their vaginal health. She firmly believes that lube is for every women, not just around and beyond menopause, and that everything is better with right one. 

Tantra for beginners – sacred sex will change your life

Tantra is a vast and beautiful tradition. And one I have been a part of for many years.

Tantra changed my life. It re-framed what it meant for me to be a woman, powerful and sexual at the same time.

It freed me to open to deeper states of pleasure. And to know myself like I’d never before.

And it has the potential to do the same for you.

“When the passion and desire of your physical body align with the purity of your heart’s intention, your spirit opens up to the possibility of new experiences of what are known as bliss states – to being here and now, whilst feeling connected to divinity or to all that is. ”

— Andrea Balboni

What is tantric sex, anyway?

Tantric sex is a way of making love that feels deeply connected, massively powerful, and filled with reverence, respect and devotion between you and your partner – or you and yourself if you practice it solo.

Tantric sex is for many a new way of being in sexual connection with another. This is because it allows you to access levels of feeling, sensation, and energy not often experienced in the sex many of us usually have. 

And it can leave you feeling nourished and satisfied by sex as you open to blissful states of ecstatic pleasure.

Tantra teaches that everything is sacred, including sex. It wholeheartedly celebrates the sacredness of our sexual desires and bodies. And it brings a quality of mindful awareness to the shared expression of pleasure.
And whilst tantra has gained a reputation for promoting uninhibited sex, promiscuity could not be further from its original point – to enable full spiritual awakening via direct engagement with our sexual energy. 

When was tantric sex first practiced?

Tantra emerged in India around the 6th Century. It refers to the philosophy and spiritual practices that developed at that time. About the same time that esoteric Hindu and Buddhism traditions were developing.

Neotantra is a new modern westernised variation of the ancient original teachings of Tantra. It often incorporates only a small selection of teachings from the original tradition, and those focus on sexuality.

Neotantra developed in the 1960s and over the decades has strayed farther from the roots of the authentic tantric teachings to fuse with many different new age modalities and methods

The main goal of neotantric practices is however still in keeping with focus of the ancient tradition – to offer a path toward greater consciousness and ultimately liberation and connection with the divine.

Why try tantric sex?

Pleasure potential

Those who practice tantra regularly report experiencing more powerful longer-lasting orgasms and of numerous kinds: from heart-gasms, throat-gasms and mind-gasms for women, to non-ejaculatory orgasms and multiple full-body orgasms for men. 

Tantra can help you release blocks around sex, like shame and guilt. And in doing so it allows you access to greater levels of pleasurable sensation. 

Connection amplified

Tantra is ultimately about connection — whether that’s with yourself or between you and a partner. Some experience states of oneness with divinity and life itself.

Sex becomes healing, empowering, and profoundly beautiful.  

Experience altered states of consciousness

When the passion and desire of your physical body align with the purity of your heart’s intention, your spirit opens up to the possibility of new experiences of what are known as bliss states – to being here and now, whilst  feeling connected to divinity or to ‘all that is’. 

A short guide for beginners:

Tantric sex involves bringing attention to all the subtleties of sex – body, heart and mind. It offers the deep sensual pleasure of skin on skin in a long slow gentle stroke, to the swelling of hearts drenched in love through intimate connection, to the diamond-like clarity of mind that comes with being exquisitely present in the moment. 

Sometimes during tantric sex, you're barely moving. Other times you’ll experience the excitement of nearing peak experiences, to then relax back, only to ‘ride the wave’ again and again. Playing with time and energy in this way, you can make love for hours. And the enjoyment can just keep building. 

Go slow

Start by sitting across from one another and gazing softly into each other’s eyes for as long as possible. Let the intensity build. 

Begin with long slow embraces and gentle caresses. This allows you to get present in your body. Shift your focus to your partner for 50% of the time and then back to you and your experience. 

Notice the movement of energy, like electricity, between your bodies. 

Let go of the goal

Redefine sex by setting an intention to experience more intimacy and connection, and to explore playful possibility versus racing to orgasm. When you let go of the goal there is infinite room for discovery. 

Tell your partner what you like and encourage more of what feels good by naming what you’re enjoying. Have your partner do the same.

Engage all of your senses. 

Experiencing sex through all of your senses moves you from your mind into your body. And it’s here in your body where you are able to experience sensual pleasure. 

Light candles or wear your favourite perfume, play beautiful, sensual music, wrap yourself in silks or soft lingerie, savour the taste of your partner’s kisses, play with new patterns and pressure of touch. 

Let it be about discovery.

Breath

Synchronize your breath by inhaling and exhaling together, or inhaling as your partner exhales. As your nervous systems attune to one another, you’ll experience a heightened sense of cohesion and togetherness. 

Know one another. Know yourself. 

Allow yourself (and your partner) to experience a full range of emotions. Welcome whatever experience you have and know that if you feel sadness, hurt, anger, shame or embarrassment come up that it has arisen for it to be released. 

It may seem strange to experience these emotions in lovemaking, however it’s the full allowing and acceptance of ‘what is’ that will free you from that which holds you back from feeling full pleasure.

Eventually as your mind, heart and body clear stuckness from the past, you’ll be able to fully tap into your sexual energy and its power.

I practiced tantra for many years solo. And whilst there are some sacred sex practices that I do together with my partner, I continue my solo journey.

Because you never can know yourself – or the universe – deeply enough.

Scheduling sex is not only normal…it’s sexy. Here's why.

‘It is through rituals that the mind becomes clear, the heart opens, the senses become sharp, and the body tingles with aliveness and expectation.’

Margot Anand, The Art of Sexual Magic

Scheduling in sex (with your partner or yourself) makes it a ritual. And rituals are powerful.

Rituals bring meaning to the ordinary. As opposed to ‘habits’ which are done mindlessly.

Anyone who has had ‘habitual sex’ understands how boring – how mindless – it can be.

Habitual sex feels like a chore. We dread it. And feel guilty about not wanting it.

Scheduled sex, sex that is ritual, is sex infused with deep meaning. And it feels like magic. 

Here’s how to have deep connected sex regularly – on schedule – as a ritual.

Schedule sex in

Intentionally set aside time each week for sex.

Create a shared calendar. And get it in there. Text reminders to each other and have fun with it (aka foreplay).

Try not to cancel or reschedule. But if life happens, give yourself a break.

Heat it up: theme your sex dates as you put them in the calendar. Take turns preparing for it by ‘setting the scene’. Think of engaging all 5 senses. And talk about the sex you have after each date – learn what your partner liked and wants more of. Try this next time.

Take the pressure off: take the goal away. Commit to exploring your pleasure without the focus of orgasm. Discover new states of ecstasy beyond the O. Pleasure is vast.

Infuse meaning

In rituals, the most ordinary of actions and gestures become transformed into symbolic expressions, their meaning reinforced each time they are performed.

-Van Gennep, 1909

Meaning is what imbues the sex you have with a unique quality. As you schedule sex in consciously consider the deeper meaning this has for you: 

• That you care enough about yourself and each other to dedicate time and space for deep connection

• That intimacy –physical, emotional, mental–is valued and valuable to you

• That togetherness and unity is important and desired

• That you can trust yourself and one another to show up consistently

• That exploring pleasure together and luxuriating in that journey is a shared desire

Relax in and enjoy the ride

When you know sex is going to happen, it takes away the anxiety of wondering if and when. It buffers us against negative uncertainty. 

As a result, you feel more in control. This creates a sense of personal order. And in this the space to drop more fully into pleasure when it comes.

Scheduled sex allows us to open up and access to deeper dimensions of ourselves

By setting the space in your material world, your internal world re-organises itself in the expectation of experiencing things differently. 

Scheduled sex hones our attention, leading to heightened involvement and immersion in lovemaking when we come to it.

In conclusion: 

Scheduled sex is ritualistic in nature. It’s imbued with meaning and ironically, it brings us beyond the mundane. 

It draws us closer to ourselves and to our partner and as we intentionally connect with our pleasure and with each other. 

And remember – you can always have more. Just because you schedule sex in, doesn’t mean you can’t have the sex in the elevator or in the kitchen now and again.

Women love sacred sex. What is it and how do you do it?

Many men come to me sharing that they are tired of sex (especially masturbation) that feels empty and unfulfilling. 

After self-pleasuring, they wonder if it’s possible to feel good rather than empty or guilty about what they’ve just done.

And in partnered sex they want to experience more connection. 

But what makes sex sacred? 

Sex can indeed be something more than just a release of stress and / or built up unexpressed sexual energy. 

More than an ‘activity’ that you add to the task list to ’do’ with another person. 

Sex can make us feel more whole and complete. 

• Nourished. 

• Empowered.

• Uplifted.

• Loved.

When the sex we have is sacred it does all of this and more – it takes us out of this world. 

Sacred sex:

• Shifts how we experience ourselves. 

• And it changes how we experience one another.

• We ‘wake up’ to parts of ourselves that we’ve hidden away or denied.

• And this makes us feel more alive.

Women (like men) crave sexual experiences that fill them up not just with pleasure, though that’s definitely desired but with

Fullness and a sense of wholeness. 

So that they come away from sex feeling completely nourished and satisfied. 

Guys often want to know how to be the best lover that their partner has ever had.

Here are 3 ways to bring her there via sex that is sacred: 

Intention

Set an intention to set the tone of your experience. 

Clear intentions direct the experiences we have. 

Keep your intention focused on what will serve you (and your partner’s) deepest desires and aligns with your highest values (eg truth, honesty, compassion, self-knowing, love). 

Examples of exalted intentions are: 

• To fully connect with your partner and stay with the experience no matter how challenging

• To discover new flavours of your own pleasure

• To love and accept yourself and your body no matter what happens (or doesn’t)

You can share the intention with your partner or you can keep it to yourself. 

Presence

This is perhaps the most important aspect of what makes sex feel sacred. 

Presence is what women want most from the men that they are with. It’s what they ask for time and time again. 

Women want to feel that you are there with them completely. That you are with them in the experience. 

When they feel that you are fully there, they can trust you. And when they trust you, they can relax into their own experience and have access to their own pleasure. 

How to do have more presence in bed: 

• Commit to being fully in your body and not in your head by coming back to your physical sensations over and over gain. 

• Commit to staying with whatever she experiences – whatever emotions comes up for her, whatever sounds come through, whatever movement she makes. Let it all be ok. 

• Commit to slowing way down and being more versus doing.

Tip: Beat the porn. Learn to Bridge:

If you use porn or fantasy to stimulate you, you’ll likely find it hard to get out of your head. Practice bridging when you masturbate. If you use porn when you self-pleasure, shift your focus from your head or external stimulus back to your body.

Over time you’ll be able to stay more in your body and with the experience and be less in your head (and not fully present).  

Ritual

Our primal brains (the deepest part of our brains and the oldest part of our being) love ritual. 

We can relax deeply into an experience when we know that there’s a beginning, middle and end.

In a ritual space we know that we are totally safe and won’t be disturbed because we’ve created a closed container for that experience to happen in.  

Here’s how to set up a space for the ritual of lovemaking: 

Time: 

• Set aside dedicated time - 15 -20 minutes.

• And respect it 

• Show up for yourself. And for the other if with a partner. 

Spontaneous lovemaking is great. But there’s nothing like scheduled time for sex – it gives us something to look forward to and can be very exciting.

Environment: 

• Tidy up the area so it’s clean and orderly.

• Change the sheets or make the bed.

• Lower the lights

The mood should feel grounding and good to body, mind and soul.

Sex is sacred when you 

• Feel loved and seen – in itself a form of worship

• Are nourished by the experience of it – it fills you up 

• Connect more with who you truly are  – aka ‘awaken’ to the truth of you

There is much more to sacred sex than this.

Jade Egg Basics : What is this little stone all about. And why should you care?

The jade egg has changed my life. Literally. 

It put Pleasure with a capital ‘P’ back on my map after decades of increasing numbness in my body.

But I didn’t always love this little egg-shaped stone.

When I first heard of the jade egg I was like, “Nope, no way. You gotta be crazy. I’ve got to put what, where?”

I had a deep fear of putting anything inside of me, never mind something made of stone. 

The following information is based on what the jade egg did for me and countless other women - the jade egg’s been used in the US for over 40 years, and in Asia for thousands.

Yep, thousands.

There has to be something to it, right?

So what is it exactly? And how does it work?

******

1. The jade egg is a tool that can be used to support a deep, intimate understanding of your body and your sexuality. 

The jade egg is a stone made of certified jade and shaped into an egg. Like kegel weights, it can be gently invited into the vaginal canal to strengthen and tone the muscles inside of your body.

It can also be used together with tools such as meditation, visualisation, and focusing on body sensation to melt away layers of tension and holding that keep you from experiencing the fullness of pleasure.

Both your body and your sexuality belong to you, right? They are both with you all the time. So why was it that I felt that I had no clue about either at the age of 40? 

If you had asked me to describe my sexuality years ago, I would have gone straight onto Google (I actually did this) to look up the term sexuality. What did that encompass? How would I describe mine?!? I had no clue...

Now I would describe myself and my sexuality as gentle, strong, sensual, sexy, beautiful, alive, powerful, erotic, mystical, innocent and the list goes on and on. 

I know how to turn myself on and how to tell my lover (aka boyfriend) what I like and what I want. 

Am I perfect at this? Nope. But I’m 400% better at it than I was.

I continue to use the egg as a tool to learn about my body, keep her in good health. 

******

2. The jade egg can help you overcome whatever it is that is holding you back from being your fullest, most beautiful, most sexy self.

When I bought my first egg, it was about a year before I could even try to put the thing inside of me. I’d look at the little wonder with trepidation and worry and even fear. 

And the first times I tried to ease the egg into my vagina, I felt deep nausea and disgust come up. I just could not do it. 

So I learned to listen to my body. And my pussy. And work with her slowly. Until finally, gradually, over time she opened up to the little egg welcomed it in.

I came to realise that was surfacing was decades old beliefs and conditioning I had inherited from growing up in a religion that shamed masturbation and self-pleasure, a culture that labeled women who enjoyed sex too much as trashy, and a deep fear embedded in me around how sex would destroy my life (from disease, pregnancy, disrepute, the list goes on). 

It took some time to work through all of this. To trust my body. Trust my pleasure. And welcome it back in my body. 

The jade egg practices proved to be a practical way for me to do this. 

******

3. The jade egg will help you feel deeply nourished and alive

When I incorporate the jade egg into my daily life, I feel more fresh, vitalised and renewed. I sleep better. I feel fuller and more content. 

When you work with the jade egg deep in your body it can act as a kind of internal masseur, releasing tension and tightness (stuck energy) from your tissues and muscles. 

This allows for a more free flow of vital energy throughout your body, making you feel more vibrant and alive, or deeply relaxed depending on who you are. 

******

4. The jade egg helps increase sensitivity in your vagina

Remember how I was explaining before about all of those layers of conditioning that were causing me so many problems? 

Well, not only would I feel nausea with my jade egg practices, but I would also numb out during sex. Or feel burning sensations. 

What the heck? I thought sex was supposed to feel good all the time?!? That’s what Hollywood says anyway. I was sold a line? Why does no one talk about this?

Turns out if you, like me, carry emotional baggage of some sort, chances are your body has built up a barrier around feeling things. Love your body for doing this – it’s just trying to keep you safe. 

But now that part of you needs to learn that it’s ok to relax. 

As I learned to feel safe in my sexiness, I began to notice more feeling in my vagina. I started having cervical orgasms! And vaginal ones as well. 

Woohooo!!! It’s like a part of me that had gone into a long slumber was slowly coming alive again. 

******

5. The jade egg gives you permission to try on as many flavours of sexiness as you can imagine - it’s infinitely fun

Guided jade egg practices gave me a safe container within which to explore flavours of sensuality that I’d not previously allowed myself. 

I discovered I could be wild and still be wholesome. 

That I could be both erotic and innocent. 

I could surrender completely or take charge. 

Sexiness could be sacred or primal.

It was my choice. My pleasure. My body. My self-discovery. 

And in it I found so many parts of myself that I had buried away. 

Why do I think you might like the jade egg?

Because I know you are dying to know all the sides of yourself too. You are curious. You live your life courageously. You are bold. You are brave. 

You are exceptional. 

And remember, I’ve been there. You’ll have my support the whole way through. 

******

6. Jade Egg practices when done regularly heal your body. Here’s how: 

• Increase pelvic floor and vaginal wall strength

• Increase sensitivity in your vagina and your entire pelvic region

• Fortify a body / mind connection critical to enhancing pleasure and intimacy during sex with a partner or solo

• Feel empowered by your sexuality as you understand intimately how your body works

• Become more sensitive to energy and how it moves in your body

In my own personal experience in my own body it has also:

• Reduced and eliminated pain, burning and numbness in my vagina

• Steadied and normalized my menstrual cycle

• Reduced premenstrual symptoms of cramping and soreness

• Uplifted and balanced my emotions and my energy

• Gave me inner confidence by knowing and understanding my body’s ability to experience pleasure alone and with a partner

But don’t just take it from me. Here’s a YouTube vid where I interview a fellow jade egg coach on her own experience: How the jade egg helped one woman find love

Let your voice be heard in bed – and experience more pleasure

I used to really hold back in bed. 

I was afraid of what my neighbours might think if I made too much noise. 

I was afraid of the noises that wanted to come out – some of them were veeeerrrrryyyy far from sexy. 

And so I’d clamp down on my vocal cords and barely let out a peep during the whole event. 

Knowing what I know now, that was totally CRAZY. 

When you open your body fully to allow for the free-flow of energy through it, you allow for the full and full-bodied experience of pleasure.

Opening your body up fully involves letting loose your voice. 

And not just the performance-based sounds you hear in films and movies. You’ll want to work with the full range of sound available to you to understand what enables the best sexual response. 

This has been my personal experience AND there’s science behind it. 

Visceral sounding that comes from deep within you can trigger the vagus nerve, one of the main nerves that runs throughout your whole body from your brain all the way down to your cervix, uterus and vagina. 

The ups and downs, the rhythms, the tonality and range of your voice can activate this nerve, increase its connections within the body and facilitate orgasm and pleasure.

The vagus nerve supports relaxation in your body. It gets you out of the ‘fight flight freeze’ state which inhibits sexual arousal. 

As you relax, your sexual energy is free to move like an electrical current through your vagus nerve all up and down your body.

Once I allowed myself to ‘sound’ freely, my whole experience of sex changed. 

But it didn’t just happen over night. It took some practice.

How to use sound in sex: 

Mind preparation

Let go of judgement.

Don’t worry about what the neighbours will think, what your partner will think, or even what you think about the sounds that come forth. 

This is a grand experiment and we’re here to learn, not to perform at the Scala. 

So we want free-form and lots of trial and error. 

Repeat this mantra throughout your practice:

It’s good to sound. 

It’s good to sound. 

It’s good to sound.   

Heart preparation

Accept yourself for whatever you experience. 

And for whatever your ‘sexy sounds’ are – they’ll likely be very different from the Hollywood version. When was anything that came from Hollywood real anyway? 

It’s sexual linguistics - we’re here to learn what yours sounds like. 

Love yourself for even going there. Like a sexy explorer, you’re out to experience pleasure like it’s never been experienced before! And that takes courage, humility and bravery. 

You’ve got all of that!! Go for it. 

Repeat this mantra throughout your practice:

It’s beautiful to sound. 

It’s beautiful to sound. 

It’s beautiful to sound.  

Body preparation

Let your jaw drop open.

Inhale and exhale out of your mouth.

Bring your focus to different parts of your body – to your pussy, to your breasts, to your belly, to your legs. 

Notice the sensations there and then…SOUND THEM OUT. 

Give your womb a voice, your ovaries, your vagina, your labia and move throughout your entire body.

Your entire body is an instrument of erotic bliss.  

Wake it up with sound. 

And experiment!! 

Repeat this mantra throughout your practice:

It’s safe to sound. 

It’s safe to sound. 

It’s safe to sound.

Enjoy the liberation that sounding in sex brings.

Curious to know if it works for men too? Read my post on sounding for men here.

Sound: use it to experience wild, full-bodied pleasure for men

Sex is like surfing. 

Learn how to ride the waves of your sexual energy and you’ll feel it’s magnificent force as a full bodied pleasure experience.

And who doesn’t want a full-bodied experience of pleasure? 

If you could control your ejaculatory reflex and spread the experience of arousal throughout your whole body, rather than having it just centered around the head of your penis, why wouldn’t you? 

In order to do this, you’ll need to be able to fully surrender to your turn-on, like a surfer surrenders to the power of the wave. 

In surrendering, the surfer relaxes into the rise and fall of the power of the ocean beneath him. 

At the same time, he remains open and connected to his body. He is completely present.

Same thing with sexual arousal. 

When you learn to relax into your pleasure and ride the wave versus clamping down on it, repressing it or controlling it you become super sensitive to pleasure. 

So much so that you can move and spread that energy throughout your body and experience expanded states of bliss.

Open, surrendered, and connected are the states you’ll need to be in to ride the waves of pleasure.

One of the most powerful tools for opening yourself up to these states is to use your voice. To ‘sound’.  

Sounding in sex is allowing your body to have a voice. 

It’s giving sound or voice to whatever part of you wants to express itself in that moment. 

It’s allowing whatever sounds that want to emerge from you to come out however they want to come out. And not judging them. 

Often times we are ashamed of making noise during sex, and we clamp down on the sounds that would naturally come out. 

This could come through years of adolescence where masturbation happened on the down low and as quickly as possible so no one would hear.

And so men are expected to emit an occasional grunt or groan, but not much else in sex. 

Women are also assigned a set of ‘proper’ sounds during sex. 

But as is so often the case, what we are sold as acceptable ‘normal’ sex sounds are scripted for Hollywood or porn and are limited. 

We humans are much more interesting than that. 

So let yourself go. 

You can get used to the sound of your own voice first in masturbation. Self-pleasure is a great place tp start. Let the sounds come forth wild an uninhibited, and you may just find that the powerful raw sexual desire, lusty and potent, rises within as well. 

You may feel a bit silly for it at first. Remember that no one is watching.

Full-bodied pleasure is yours to be had. 

Claim it.

The more you love and accept yourself for your truest, fullest expression, the more you open yourself up to being loved exactly this way by another. 

Maximising Pleasure : The 5 stages of lovemaking

We’re sold the same story over and again – that there is a one fast track to gratifying sex (a.k.a. orgasm) and it looks like this:

It’s as if lovemaking were a sprint to the finish with not much happening before, after...or for that matter even during the act. 

It all happens virtually at one speed – fast. 

And one intensity (or one energy (as I like to think of it) – hard. 

Fast and hard. 

And then 💥 EXPLOSION 💥

Within a few glorious (if short-lived) minutes

It’s all over.

Before it’s hardly even begun.

Some say we learned this way of having sex from porn and follows the male sexual response patterning of fast and hard as porn is made mainly made by men for men (though there are notable exceptions). 

Others blame Hollywood which supports the culminating moment as a ka-pow! With little else. 

The fact of the matter is, the vast majority of us have learned about making love from either or both of these 2 sources. 

And wow are they limited as teaching aids. 

Lovemaking as a JOURNEY OF DISCOVERY

The journey of lovemaking is, in fact, just that – a journey. 

And if you think of the best journeys you’ve been on, you’ll likely tell me that they have been filled with exploration and discovery and adventure.

That there were unexpected twists and turns and unpredictability. 

That there were moments that sparkled with excitement and action. 

And times where you relaxed back into blissful peace and stillness. 

There was a deep connection with yourself and with others through all of it.

And sometimes things worked out as you planned. 

And sometimes they didn’t. 

But it was all just part of the adventure. 

And when you let go enough, there was a natural flow and an organic unfolding that felt right and perfect no matter what happened.

Maximizing pleasure is all about opening up to the possibility of the unknown. 

Of the adventure. And experiencing the variety of what comes. 

It’s about celebrating whatever happens. Of really being with yourself and the person you are with. 

Even if it doesn’t turn out as you’d expected.  

The journey looks something like this: 

And it can be broken down into 5 distinct stages.

Stage 1 : Desire

“Love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery. Love likes to shrink the distance that exists between me and you, while desire is energized by it. If intimacy grows through repetition and familiarity, eroticism is numbed by repetition. It thrives on the mysterious, the novel, and the unexpected. Love is about having; desire is about wanting. An expression of longing, desire requires ongoing elusiveness. It is less concerned with where it has already been than passionate about where it can still go. But too often, as couples settle into the comforts of love, they cease to fan the flame of desire. They forget that fire needs air.”

— Esther Perel, Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic

Sparkling desire: the first effervescent moments of fires lit and butterflies fluttering

Love…or lust...sometimes shows up in our bodies as a spark. 

We’re taken off-guard. It’s unexpected. We feel an instant inexplicable draw towards someone

The butterflies appear as if from out of the blue. Tongues tie. Jaws drop.
Desire can also be slow burning. It can show up as a slow gentle warming. Our curiosity becomes piqued the more we get to know someone

We begin to know them from the inside out

And they become more attractive over time.

However it happens, desire is discovery. Its mystery. Suggestion. Teasing.

It’s an anticipation of exploring the unknown. 

Each time you make love, approach it with the mind of an explorer, open and ready to journey into the unknown, whatever that may bring. 

Stage 2 : Yang

Yang - Crescendo: eros builds sensual touch developing very gradually into rhythm over time warming bodies, hearts and minds cresting again and again in waves of pleasure

Yang erotic energy is outward going, hot, pointed and directional. In this stage of lovemaking, you are building energy and heat. 

This stage begins with sensual, playful, undirected teasing touch, bites and nibbles. 

As your turn-on builds, you can spread it throughout your entire body by imagining it travelling from it’s starting point outwards and upwards. 

Upwards towards your heart and mind and outwards towards your arms and limbs. 

This spreading of your erotic energy (a.k.a. your turn-on) to all parts of your body is what is known as full-body orgasmic bliss. 

Note: We tend to get carried away in lovemaking sometimes by the intensity of the bodily sensations and other times into our heads. 

• Stay present throughout the time you are with someone. 

• 50% of the focus is on you and what you are experiencing, your pleasure. 

• 50% is on them and their experience.

• Keep coming back to your body again and again. To the moment. 

• Maintain eye contact to stay connected to your partner. 

And let go of expectations.

Stage 3 : Yin

Yin - Relaxing back: a gentle relaxing back and deepening into the richness of the exquisite moment

Yin erotic energy is soft, receptive, yielding, liquid, expanding. Relaxing back into yin allows for a deepening of erotic experience. 

It gives space for pure connection and a savouring of the present moment. 

“For sexual union to be fulfilling we need to honor in equal measure, the naturally occurring waves of Yang and Yin that hold the fabric of our formed world together. ”

— Ma Ananda Sarita , Tantra master and mystic

It allows your body to feel the nourishing pleasure cool as it courses through your bodies. 

Only to build again in the next wave.

In yin stages, you can lie with your bodies slightly apart, legs entwined. This allows you to stay connected through soft gaze. You can place your hands on each other’s heart centres. Speak lovingly and gently to each other or not at all. Whatever feels best. 

-- Cycle through yin + yang --

Experiment. Try cycling through yin and yang phases a few times. This allows the energy to build, greatly enhancing your experience. 

Your pleasure journey might look something like this:

First round yang

Sensual touch. Biting. Licking. Stroking. Caressing. Free-flowing movement. Exploration. Open up heart centre + belly. 

Next round yin

Work from outside in coming closer to the sex centre. Allow in more rhythmic movement as free-flow continues. Open up sex centre with direct touch.

Third round yang

Energy builds to overflowing.  Spread the energy throughout your body. Rhythmic movement and edging – relax back from the point of no return and orgasm.

Stage 4 : Spilling over // Storing the Energy

Choice point: Spilling over or Store the Energy

Let go and surrender into orgasm OR take the energy that you have generated and store it in your body to be repurposed for whatever you’d like to do in the world.

Spilling over: 

Surrender into pleasure and bliss allows for a peak experience. This can be orgasm or orgasmic bliss where you let go completely and allow yourself to dissolve into the pleasure. 

Storing energy: 

Erotic energy is creative energy and it can be stored, according to the Taoist tradition, by drawing it into one of your power centres (sex centre, heart centre or 3rd eye). You can draw the energy in by imagining it spiralling into one of the these centres in your body. 

For more in depth understanding of this practice, contact me and I’ll talk you through it. 

Stage 5 : Afterglow

Afterglow: peaceful shimmers...and so...it begins again

Desire is a flame that needs tending to.

And Love is a verb. 

A healthy relationship is warmed by the fires of mystery and desire – give space when it’s needed.

And held together by the safety and security of the closeness of love.  

Yin. Yang. 

Distance. Closeness. 

May the sacred dance between us continue.

3 ways to experience more pleasure (and less pain) in sex

When it comes to accessing your pleasure, all it takes is a shedding. A shedding of that which blocks you from feeling pleasure fully – or at all. 

Over the years, battle with the world, past relationships, rejections, sexual confusion, negative messaging from society and culture around sex and our sexiness is collected in our bodies. 

We build up a kind of protective shield like body armour to batten up our defences – and to stop us from feeling the yuck of all of that. 

Problem is, it also closes us off to the good stuff – the nuanced experience of exquisite sensuality – and from the experience of orgasm. 

So we end up feeling nothing at all in sex (with ourselves or with others). 

Or intense physical pain and discomfort during sex – exactly the opposite of what we hope to experience!

Good news is, you can learn to unlock your body and shed the armour you’ve built up. Peel off the layers. Feel sensations of pleasure and connection with ourselves and our partners.

Here are 3 ways to start the process of de-armouring your body: 

Breathe

Breathe into the parts of you that are stuck or numb or in pain. Imagine that the breath softens these places in you, relaxes them, and that you are breathing in space into your body.

Sound

Give voice to whatever you are feeling. Allow whatever sounds that want to emerge to come out. With no judgement on what or how it’s sounding. It’s all welcome.

Safety + Love

Reinforce a sense of safety and love in your body by reminding yourself that you are in fact safe (as long as this is true and you are physically and emotionally in a safe place.

Remind yourself that it is safe to feel. Safe to cry. Safe to be vulnerable. Safe to express whatever is there even if it doesn’t look or feel nice.

And love yourself for going there.

Feel into your heart as you repeat to yourself – You are safe. You are loved. I love you.

Remember that this is a journey that takes time. Every body is different. Every timeline is different. 

Know that whatever you experience, wherever you are with this, is exactly right. 

You are perfect. 

Losing it. How we popped our cherry over the last 80 years – Read by Kate Monro

Author Kate Monro reads from her book, ‘Losing it. How we popped our cherry over the last 80 years’.

Listen to stories of how men and women of all ages, shapes and sizes, recount in their own words how they lost virginity (and sometimes find it again).

How to deepen intimacy + ask for what you want in bed

Bad s*x. Been there. Done that.

We pretty much all have.

Sue Sutherland​ of the Feel Institute talks to us about how to have GREAT s*x.

And she shares with us a simple game we can play with the people we are with so that we can have the experiences that we really want.

Sneak peak into the wisdom:

1. Know what you want – listen to that body of yours

2. Ask for it – be brave + bold!

3. Love yourself for doing so.

❤
One (of the admittedly many) reasons why sex can end up being bad

Even with those that we love having sex with
Is when we say yes to doing something that we actually don’t want to do!

We consent.

Simply stated CONSENT = CHOICE

We choose to say YES to a touch or a closeness or something more
When all our body really wanted was for us to
Shout out an emphatic NO
Or a gentle firm NO
Or any NO at all.

Let’s just admit it: speaking up around sex, especially in intimate moments with someone new…or even someone you’ve been with for a very long time…

Can feel extremely scary. And weird.
We don’t want to kill a moment. Or offend someone.
Or seem inexperienced. Or awkward.

And yet, when you learn how to talk about what you want
Or don’t want in any moment

The chances of having bad sex every again diminish completely.
And the path to good sex

To amazzzzzing sex
Opens wide.

How to have better sex: connection + consent with Nichi Hodgson

I want you to jump from two feet into the bedroom, when you feel finally ready to be intimate with a certain someone you might have just started dating. 

And not only that, I want you to have the best sex possible when you do. 

And so, I wanted to break out this bit of a conversation from a video I had posted a few weeks back with Nichi Hodgeson, journalist on all things sexy for the likes of the Guardian and Sky News that will help you to do so.

You see, consent is key to connection. 
And connection is the key to great sex. 

Especially if you are new to dating someone. 

It's key to know what feels good for you – and what doesn't. And to voice it. 
So open communication becomes a foundation to your relationship. 

Nichi breaks consent down for us beautifully in this video.
She explains that consent is deciding ‘Do I want to do this right now with this person?’ 

And then listening to your body and your mind. 
And remembering your values. 
And then deciding do you want to go ahead with it – or not.

We make hundreds of decisions a day and consent to lots of little tiny things whether they feel good or not. 
In fact, many times we ignore what our bodies are telling us because we feel that we ‘have’ to.

For example have you ever sat through work meetings for hours when you’d rather be getting on with what you’ve got to do. Or simple would love to have a stretch and a stroll?

In the video Nichi explains, we’re actually pretty good at ignoring what our bodies want and consenting anyway.
What we don’t do so well is voice when we don’t want something.

So it’s important when you are with someone, to notice how your body feels – and be upfront about it. 
Be firm with yourself if you are not sure and say, ‘Hey could we take a minute?’

Know that you can change your mind.
Buy yourself some time. Get some space
Go to the bathroom for a moment. 

When you come back, be real about what is going on. 
‘I’m having a great time with you but can we do something else instead.’ 

Or suggest something that you’d rather do. 

If words are difficult then put someone’s hand on your body in a way that feels good to be touched. 

A strong ‘No’ is wonderful to hear 
Because when that becomes a strong ‘Yes’ one day, the person you are with knows they can trust it.

It takes a strong ‘No’ to get to a strong ‘Yes’. 
And with a strong ‘Yes’ that can be trusted, deep connection results. 

And connected sex is soooooo good. 

Mindfulness in the Bedroom – Connecting Deeply

Now-a-days, mindfulness is E*V*E*R*Y*W*H*E*R*E

It’s even creeping into the bedroom… 🛏under the covers

And we sure as hell need it there. 😯

We crave deep real soul-to-soul connection in intimacy in a world full of quick Tinder fixes and porn addictions that leave us unsatisfied.

In this video expert sex coach + sex educator, Kian de la Cour shares how Mindfulness in the bedroom is incredible for your sex life. 🧘‍♀

Learn how to get back the nourishment, aliveness, love + full-bodied delight that connected intimacy (both with ourselves + another) brings.

And how ‘mindful intimacy’ + being fully connected to your body in the bedroom feeds your soul + touches the heart of those you are with.

Kian speaks about how to start (2.08)

• Self-practice (aka masturbation)

• Decouple from habits

  • habitual ways of arousal learned from childhood or porn

  • from goal-orientation or sex with climax ending in orgasm

• Change the focus to feeling internally vs how I look / am performing

Here’s how to get started:

1. Put aside dedicated time with a start + end time

2. Set an intention (eg to relax completely, to let go of expectations, to NOT orgasm)

3. Explore your body in new ways. Play. Be curious. Expand outwards from just genital focus.

4. Breathe – Practice long exhales - relax your nervous system + open up to more sensation
   

Your sexy mind : reasonable, emotional and WILD

When we have sex, either with ourselves or with others, some of the most pleasurable experiences happen when all parts of us are ok with it.
By all parts of us, I mean all parts of our brain – and all parts of our being.

🧠❤🔥
In neuroscience we understand ‘all parts of our brain’ as the triune brain or 3 part brain (neocortex, limbic, reptilian 🦖 -- really?!!).

Similarly in ancient taoist tradition, our 3 energy centres (mind, heart + sex centres) must be ‘in alignment’ or in agreeance for us to experience the most powerful sex ever.

🧠❤🔥

Cutting-edge science meets ancient wisdom.

How sexy is that?

Feel sensational in bed by breathing in a whole new way

Let me be honest with you, when I first started to do a thing called “Breathwork” I HATED IT. 
I mean really, truly, fiercely hated it.

And yet it proved to be one of the keys to me opening up my body to pleasure after years of it slowly shutting down to sensation. 

On some level over the years I realised what was happening to my body. I’d stay the course, plowing through long hours of work and focus on a career that I loved. 

But it was too much computer time. Too little movement. Too much focus and not enough play. Not enough time outdoors. 🤕
Numbness took over. 

Years of it.

But with Breathwork as one of my basic yet super potent tools, I slowly broke through. 🤯

It didn’t happen overnight. 

And I still have a lot of resistance to doing Breathwork sometimes. Like going to the gym, you know it’s super good for you and you’ll feel better afterwards...it’s just so hard to GET there sometimes.  

But I keep at it. Because time and again I find it works.
It brings me back into my body. And allows me to feel whatever it is I need to feel so that I can get back to good again. 😌

And feel sexy and alive. And whole. 🌬

I talk about the breath. How it’s opened me up. How I still use it all the time in lovemaking and in life. 

I believe it’s the new yoga of our time. You might have already heard about it. And if you haven’t then come hear how it can help you too.