The Pros and Cons of Online vs. Face-to-Face Sex Coaching

As a certified sex and relationships coach, I'm often asked about the differences between online and traditional face-to-face sex therapy and coaching. Let's explore the advantages and disadvantages of both to help you make an informed decision about what’s best for you.

The Benefits of Online Sex Therapy and Coaching

Online sex therapy and coaching offer several significant benefits. Many clients find that discussing intimate matters from their own space helps them feel more relaxed and open. You can engage in therapy and coaching sessions from your bedroom or private office, eliminating the anxiety of travel or visiting an unfamiliar office. 

Online sex therapy and coaching also breaks down geographical barriers, allowing you to connect with specialized therapists and coaches regardless of your location. 

Virtual sessions often offer more flexible scheduling options, making it easier to fit therapy or coaching into your busy life. Many online therapists and coaches provide evening appointments that might not be available in traditional settings. 

Additionally, without the overhead of maintaining an office space, online therapy and coaching can be more affordable. You'll also save money on transportation and time spent commuting.

The Advantages of Face-to-Face Sex Therapy and Coaching

Face-to-face sex therapy and coaching also presents distinct advantages. In-person sessions allow for more nuanced non-verbal communication and can help build trust more quickly. Your therapist or coach can pick up on subtle body language cues that might be missed in virtual sessions. 

Physical therapy and coaching offices provide a designated environment free from home distractions, which can help clients maintain better boundaries and focus. 

Unlike online sessions, in-person therapy and coaching don’t depend on internet connectivity or technology working properly. There's no risk of dropped connections or audio issues interrupting important conversations. 

For couples therapy, coaching or group sessions, face-to-face interactions can feel more natural and allow for better observation of relationship dynamics.

Important Considerations for Both Options

When considering either option, it's essential to ensure your therapist or coach is properly certified and experienced in sex therapy or coaching. Look for credentials from recognized organizations and check their specialization areas. 

When choosing between online and in-person therapy or coaching, consider your personal circumstances, including your access to reliable internet, comfort with technology, privacy needs at home, transportation constraints, scheduling requirements, and budget constraints.

The Future of Sex Therapy and Coaching

The field of sex therapy and coaching is evolving to embrace both modalities, with many therapists and coaches like me offering hybrid options. 

Some clients begin with online sessions and transition to in-person therapy or coaching, or vice versa, depending on their needs and progress.

Conclusion

Both online and face-to-face sex therapy and coaching can be highly effective when matched with the right client needs. The best choice depends on your personal circumstances, comfort level, and therapeutic goals. 

Many clients find success with either approach, and some benefit from combining both methods. 

Remember, taking the first step toward seeking help is what matters most. Whether you choose online or in-person therapy or coaching, you're making a positive choice for your sexual health and wellbeing.

As a certified sex, love and relationships coach, I’d love to share with you how I can support you.

Book a consulation call with me or send me a message and we’ll talk about how coaching can help you.

Modern Approaches to Sex Coaching

Sex therapy and coaching have evolved significantly in recent years, embracing evidence-based practices and holistic approaches to help individuals and couples navigate intimate challenges. 

As a certified sex and relationship coach, I've witnessed firsthand how modern therapeutic techniques can transform lives and relationships. Let's explore the contemporary landscape of sex therapy and coaching and its innovative approaches.

Understanding Modern Sex Therapy and Coaching

Sex therapy and coaching today is far more comprehensive than many people realize. It's a specialized form of coaching or therapy that addresses physical, emotional, and psychological aspects of sexual health and intimacy. It often spans relationships, helping individuals, couples and those in open relationships navigate the complexity of coming together intimately.  

Modern practitioners like myself integrate various therapeutic modalities to create personalized treatment plans for their clients.

Key Components of Contemporary Sex Therapy and Coaching

Mindfulness-Based Approaches

Mindfulness has revolutionized sex therapy and coaching by helping clients develop present-moment awareness. This approach helps individuals reduce performance anxiety, increase pleasure and expand bliss states, enhance bodily awareness, improve intimate communication, and deepen sexual connection to oneself and another.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for Sexual Concerns

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) remains a cornerstone of modern sex therapy and coaching, helping clients identify and modify unhelpful thoughts and behaviors related to sexuality. This evidence-based approach effectively addresses performance anxiety, body image concerns, sexual confidence issues, and intimacy-related anxiety.

Trauma-informed Approaches: Somatic Experiencing 

Somatic Experiencing provides a body-centered approach that helps clients reconnect with their physical sensations and process any trauma or tension that may be affecting their sexual experiences. Somatic work can be particularly beneficial for building sexual confidence, developing body awareness, healing from sexual trauma, overcoming physical tensions, and creating space for pleasure.

Trauma-informed Approaches: Internal Family Systems (IFS)

Internal Family Systems offers a transformative approach to sex therapy by recognizing the multiple "parts" within an individual's psyche. This method helps clients understand and heal internal conflicts, address sexual shame, integrate past experiences, and develop a more compassionate relationship with their sexuality. By exploring and harmonizing different internal perspectives, IFS enables deeper self-understanding and more authentic sexual expression.

Holistic Wellness Integration

Holistic wellness integration recognizes sexuality as an interconnected aspect of overall well-being. This approach emphasizes the complex interplay between physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual dimensions of sexual health. By addressing lifestyle factors, nutrition, stress management, relationship dynamics, and personal wellness, holistic sex therapy creates a comprehensive framework for sexual healing, personal growth, and intimate fulfillment.

Energy Work

Energy work in sex therapy explores the subtle energetic dimensions of sexuality, drawing from practices like tantra, taoism, and somatic energy techniques. This approach helps clients understand and manipulate sexual energy, release energetic blockages, enhance bodily awareness, and cultivate more profound states of sexual connection and pleasure. By working with subtle energy systems, clients can transform sexual experiences, heal past traumas, and unlock deeper levels of intimacy and sensual awareness.

Technology in Modern Sex Therapy and Coaching

The digital age has transformed how we approach sex therapy and coaching. Modern practitioners often incorporate video sessions for improved accessibility, apps for tracking progress and maintaining accountability, online resources and educational materials, and virtual support groups.

Relationship-Focused Integration

Modern sex therapy and coaching recognize that sexual concerns often exist within a broader relationship context. Contemporary approaches integrate partner communication exercises, emotional intimacy building, conflict resolution strategies, and attachment theory principles.

Cultural Competency and Inclusivity

Today's sex therapy and coaching embrace diversity and cultural sensitivity. Modern approaches emphasize LGBTQ+ affirming practices, cultural awareness and sensitivity, recognition of diverse relationship structures, and age-appropriate interventions across the lifespan.

The Role of Education

Education plays a significant role in modern sex therapy and coaching, with emphasis on evidence-based sexual health information, anatomical education, relationship skills training, and communication workshops.

Measuring Progress

Contemporary approaches incorporate structured assessment and progress tracking through regular check-ins and evaluations, goal-setting and milestone tracking, feedback-informed treatment, and outcome measurements.

Looking Forward

The field of sex therapy and coaching continue to evolve with new research and understanding. Emerging areas include integration of neuroscience findings.

Conclusion

Modern sex therapy and coaching offer a sophisticated, evidence-based approach to addressing sexual concerns. By combining traditional therapeutic techniques with contemporary innovations, practitioners can provide more effective, accessible, and inclusive support for individuals and couples seeking to improve their intimate lives.

Whether you're dealing with specific sexual concerns or seeking to enhance your intimate relationships, modern sex therapy and coaching offer various tools and approaches to help you achieve your goals. Remember that seeking support is a sign of strength and commitment to your well-being.

As a certified sex, love and relationships coach, I’d love to share with you how I can support you.

Book a consulation call with me or send me a message and we’ll talk about how coaching can help you.

Sex Coaching vs. Couples Coaching: Which Is Right for You?

When couples face challenges in their relationship, seeking professional help is a courageous and proactive step. Two common therapeutic approaches — sex therapy or coaching and couples therapy or coaching — offer distinct yet often complementary paths to healing and growth. Let's explore the key differences and help you determine which option might best suit your needs.

Understanding Sex Therapy / Coaching

Sex therapy and sex coaching are specialized and focus not only on the relationship itself, but also encompasses sexual concerns, intimacy issues, and physical relationships. 

A certified sex therapist or sex coach has advanced training in addressing various concerns, including challenges in sex, in experiencing pleasure, and performance concerns, mismatched libidos or desire discrepancies, anxiety around intimacy and sex, communication challenges about sex, past sexual trauma or negative experiences, and body image issues affecting sexual relationships. 

Despite common misconceptions, sex therapy and sex coaching almost never involves physical contact between therapist or coach and client. Instead, it combines talk therapy or coaching, evidence-based embodiment practices and specific exercises couples can practice at home, and educational resources.

Understanding Couples Therapy / Coaching

Couples therapy or coaching, also known as marriage counseling or relationship counseling, takes a broader approach to relationship dynamics and doesn't always encompass sex and sexuality. 

A couples therapist or coach helps partners navigate various aspects of their relationship, including communication breakdowns, trust and commitment issues, conflict resolution, financial disagreements, parenting challenges, life transitions and growing apart, extended family dynamics, and emotional intimacy concerns.

As a sex, love and relationships coach, my work is unique in that it encompasses both that of sex therapy / coaching and also relationships therapy / coaching. We’ll work with all aspects you and your relationship.  

Which Option Is Right for You?

Consider sex therapy or coaching if your primary concerns center around physical intimacy, sexual function or pleasure, or sexual communication. Whether you're comfortable directly discussing sexual topics or not, you can seek support for specific solutions for sexual challenges. 

Consider couples therapy or coaching if your challenges extend beyond the bedroom into daily communication, trust, or general relationship patterns, and you're looking to strengthen your overall emotional connection and relationship foundation.

Whether you’re in need of support with sex and intimacy challenges or relational ones, I can support you. 

Book a consulation call with me or send me a message and we’ll talk about how coaching can help you.

The Overlap and Integration

Many couples find that sexual and emotional issues are intertwined. Poor communication might manifest as bedroom challenges, while sexual difficulties can strain emotional bonds. I am trained and experienced in both modalities and can offer an integrated approach.

Making Your Decision

Start by having an honest conversation with your partner about your concerns. Many couples begin with one type of approach and later transition to or incorporate the other as needed. A therapist or coach trained and skilled in both will design an approach that is based on your immediate and long-term needs and desires. 

Remember that all approaches provide confidential, judgment-free spaces, require commitment from both partners, and can be short-term or long-term depending on your needs. 

The most important factor is finding a qualified professional who makes both partners feel comfortable and understood. Consider scheduling initial consultations with different therapists or coaches to determine the best fit for your situation.

Take Action

Whether you choose sex therapy, couples therapy, or a coach or therapist trained in both, taking the first step toward professional support shows commitment to your relationship's growth. 

Many couples find that seeking help earlier rather than later leads to better outcomes and stronger connections. Contact certified professionals like me to learn more about how they work and how they might support your relationship journey. 

Remember, investing in your relationship's health is investing in your overall wellbeing and future together.

As a certified sex, love and relationships coach, I’d love to share with you how I can support you.

Book a consulation call with me or send me a message and we’ll talk about how coaching can help you.

Overcome Intimacy Issues with Sex Coaching

As a certified sex and relationship coach, I often hear from clients – whether they are in a relationship or not – struggling with intimacy issues. This is both common and addressable through professional support, whether they stem from past experiences, relationship challenges, or personal insecurities.

Understanding Intimacy Issues

Intimacy challenges can manifest in various ways – from difficulty with physical closeness to emotional vulnerability. Common ways this shows up include anxiety during intimate moments, difficulty expressing desires to your partner, fear of emotional or physical connection, physical responses that interfere with sexual satisfaction, and communication barriers around sex and intimacy.

How Sex Therapy and Coaching Can Help

Professional sex and intimacy therapy and coaching provides structured, evidence-based approaches to addressing these challenges. When you work with a qualified professional whether a coach like me or therapist, it creates a safe space to explore underlying issues and develop practical solutions to move you forward.

Building Communication Skills

Sex therapy or coaching help develop healthier communication patterns with your partner. You'll learn to express needs, boundaries, and desires clearly while creating emotional safety in your relationship. These shifts are often life-changing and make connecting to your partner so much easier.

Addressing Past Experiences

Many intimacy issues stem from past experiences or trauma. Professional support helps process these experiences in a controlled, supportive environment, allowing you to move forward with greater confidence. In coaching, we work with where you are now and where you’d ideally like to be instead. We address issues from the past only as they come up as they are keeping you from this.

Developing Mindfulness and Body Awareness

Through specialized techniques, you'll learn to stay present during intimate moments and develop a stronger connection to your body's responses and needs, so that you can understand yourself better and communicate this to your partner.

Creating Actionable Steps

A sex coach or therapist will work with you to create personalized strategies and share targeted practices that you can implement at your own pace. These include communication practices, embodiment practices, mindful touch techniques, breathwork exercises, sensate focus exercises, and self-awareness practices, all specifically designed to support you in experiencing the pleasure and intimacy that you desire.

Finding the Right Professional

When seeking support, important considerations include certified credentials in sex therapy or coaching, experience with your specific concerns, a comfortable rapport and communication style, clear boundaries and professional ethics, and evidence-based approaches to move you forward.

The Journey to Healing

Remember that overcoming intimacy issues is a journey. Progress often comes in small steps, and setbacks are a normal part of the process. The key is maintaining commitment to your growth while being patient with yourself and with your partner(s).

Next Steps

If you're ready to address your intimacy concerns, begin by researching certified professionals and scheduling initial consultations with potential therapists or coaches. Be honest about your intentions and expectations, commit to the process even when it feels challenging, and remember to take breaks when you need them. 

Many people have successfully navigated similar challenges with professional support. Seeking help for intimacy issues shows strength, not weakness. 

With the right support and dedication to the process, you can develop a deeper connection and more fulfilling relationships to yourself and with others and experience greater intimacy and sexual satisfaction.

As a certified sex, love and relationships coach, I’d love to share with you how I can support you.

Book a consulation call with me or send me a message and we’ll talk about how coaching can help you.

The Ritual of Marriage Reinvented – Powerful, crafted and created by those in it

“By the power vested in me – by the two of you – I now pronounce you man and wife.” It feels so good to say those words.

You see, I don’t have any legal recognition as a marriage celebrant. And I actually like that fact. 

It graces me and the people I’m marrying, with the freedom to choose how to celebrate through a ritual we create, a new phase of their relationship and their lives together. 

With this freedom comes great responsibility 

That of choosing the shape and form of the relationship that the people in love are creating. 

And agreeing to live by it.

When a couple asks me to be their celebrant, it is because the act of them coming together means something more than the legalities, formalities and materiality of the world we live in. 

And that ‘something more’ gets to be determined by them. It is the space that we get to dance in and explore together. 

What does commitment look like? 

What promises or intentions do we make to one another?

And what does it all mean – really mean – for us and to all the lives that we’ll touch. 

Ritual is powerful. And sacred. 

It is chosen and created, rather than dictated and scripted. 

And this is what makes coming together in a committed relationship ‘real’ in a very powerful way. 

I love making this possible for couples as much as for those still single – to determine for themselves the shape of relating, the shape of the love that they get to create. 

DM me if you’d like some support and guidance in creating a relationship that truly lights you up. 

The Power of Hope vs Optimism in creating Healthy Relationships and Better Dating

When dating feels impossible or your long-term relationship is on the brink, the why and how of hanging in there when you just wanna quit

Hope depends not upon the outcome of circumstances, but the goodness of the cause, despite the consequences. -Vaslav Havel

I remember the deep doom and gloom and utter despair that would overcome me when year after year, date after date, swipe after swipe I was left feeling disappointed in the search for love and meaningful partnership.

I would wonder to myself, was it all really worth it?

I now work with single people and also with couples who ask themselves the same thing - is it really worth it for me to stay in this relationship or continue to date when year after year, month after month, day after day, I have to put up with the same thing? 

How can we remain optimistic when we’re disappointed time and again by love? 

And how can we actually harbour hope that things will be different when we feel stuck in the same patterns? 

I love Vaslav Havel’s definition of hope – it’s not the confidence and conviction that something will turn out well (that’s optimism), but the certainty that something is worth doing no matter how it turns out. This is hope. 

In dating and relationships, that ‘doing’ is becoming aware of what is holding you back from finding love or having the relationship that you want. And then developing the tools and skills needed to move you forward. 

This process of healing, growth and empowerment is worth doing. Regardless of the outcome that we desire or expect.

In truth, we need both optimism and hope to stay steady with ‘the work’ of finding and keeping love.

Here’s what that looks like.

Optimism vs Hope in love and relationships

Optimism helps you to maintain a positive attitude and keep you open to opportunities to meet someone new or to be with the person you’re with in whole new ways. 

Hope can coexist with uncertainty and the fear and anxiety this can bring about the future – you don’t have be in a 100% feel-good mood to hold hope.

Optimism can sometimes lead to bypassing or overlooking potential obstacles which may need to be addressed in order for healing and growth to happen.

Hope acknowledges challenges but maintains a belief in the possibility of overcoming them.

An optimistic dater might think, "Dating is fun and I'll find someone great" without any specific reasons why this might be true.

A hopeful dater might think, "This person seems compatible with me based on our shared interests" or "Our last date went well, so I hope the next one will be even better."

Optimism in a relationship might create a positive vibe but may not always lead to proactive relationship repair and maintenance.

Hope in a relationship would motivate partners to work on specific issues, plan for the future, or make changes to improve the relationship.

An optimistic dater might be present on dating apps or social scenes without actually taking the action necessary to bring anything to fruition.

A hopeful dater plans thoughtful dates, follows up after them, or works on self-improvement to increase their chances with a particular person.

Excessive optimism in a relationship might lead to complacency or ignoring serious issues.

Grounded hope in a relationship acknowledges challenges but maintains belief in the possibility of positive change, potentially leading to more active problem-solving.

Optimism in dating and relationships stems from overall trust in romantic partnership.

Hope in dating and relationships believes in the possibility for change based on specific efforts, like seeing an improvement in communication and connection after couples coaching.

In committed relationships and in dating, both optimism and hope play important roles. 

Ask yourself

Do you harbor more hope or more optimism in dating or in your relationship? 

Which do you feel that you could use a bit more of? 

What changes might that bring? How might it support you in finding, keeping and cultivating love?

If you’re struggling to feel optimistic, hopeful, or both know that coaching with me can help you. Contact me and let’s talk about what it’s like to feel hopeful again.  

5 ways to stop procrastinating, move beyond resistance and get what you want (it’s on the other side)

I still experience MASSIVE resistance (it felt like climbing a small mountain to write this post, for example) around doing a thing I love and…well…that sometimes I find challenging.

This used to be dating. No matter how much I wanted to meet my person, no matter how much I craved partnership, no matter how much I felt the aloneness as an ache deep in my bones, I’d put off dating for months and months.

Reasons for doing this were many. Maybe you relate: 

• I’d been on more horrifyingly bad dates than I’d care to count on fingers and toes for too many years

• I’d read enough meh online dating profiles to fill an entire encyclopaedia from A-Z

• And I struggled to find the fun in any of it…ever!

Yet I knew I had to be ‘out there’ in order for someone to meet me. So how’d I do it? 

Here are 5 ways to move beyond massive resistance so that you can do what it takes to have what you want:  

Flirt super small 

For those of you who prefer to work it IRL, starting small, especially when it comes to flirting is key. 

You want to warm yourself up slowly to a gentle joy-filled tease with desirable others to open up a connection. 

Smile slyly at your cat, spread the love to the granny who lives next door, and expand playful, gentle banter out from there…the barista at the café, the person in front of you at the supermarket, the hottie you’ve been mooning over at your co-working space. 

Treat it all as practice. An experiment. And expect nothing in return. Notice what comes. 

Read more on flirting in this post from my archives on ‘How to flirt when you really don’t want to.’

stay in and Do the deeper work

Don’t feel like playing the field quite yet? But want to know that you’re doing something to move this train forward? 

Turn your focus inwards and reconnect with what you really, truly want in a relationship. Increase your awareness on what might be holding you back. And begin to dismantle the blockers through simple, doable practices. 

Here’s a free eJournal I created to help you get clear on all of the above and get you moving forward.  

Be easy on yourself

If finding and keeping love were so easy, everyone would have picture perfect relationships that lasted exactly long enough. And sometimes forever. 

Dating would be fun and exciting, inspired and adventure filled. 

The truth is, relationships are complex. Intimate ones especially so.  And despite Insta images and the fiction of classic Hollywood films, all of us struggle in relationships, love and sex at one time or another. 

You’re doing the work to make it all easier. Well done. Easier it will get. 

Get a little help from a friend

This letter to you would not have gone out were it not for the encouragement of a very kind and supportive friend. 

Keep the good ones who know how to listen without judgement or trying to fix by your side. They’ll be there to support you in pre and post date moments which are often wrought with so much tender and turbulent emotion.

ask a pro

Dating isn’t for the fainthearted. So if you feel that some support might serve you well from someone who’s studied – and practiced – this stuff for over a decade, contact me and we’ll talk about it.

It took me years to understand what was holding me back from finding my person. Let me save you time and get you there faster. I’ll teach you everything I learned.

What being a sex and relationships coach taught me about leadership and business

The past 7 years of my life in business and entrepreneurship have been quite a ride – as promised! This share is personal – and it focuses on one of the most exciting and hope-inspiring shifts that I’ve seen in leadership and business from the unique vantage point that I now sit in by jumping into business feet first.

Going (if not quite gone) are the days of rigid hierarchies, power plays and politics at work. A fresh new leadership style is emerging, and I’ve experienced it as being championed by women.

From the boardroom to the bedroom, we trailblazers are redefining what it means to live and embody a new kind of leadership.

Instead of commanding from an ivory tower, we're prioritizing collaboration, lifting others up, and bringing more voices to the table.

This transition has been clunky for me, to say the least.

I’ve grown up in educational systems and been conditioned in ‘classic’ corporate culture that operates in ways I’m familiar with and questioned only ever covertly.

I’ve done the grind, operated from fear mode, and crashed and burned over and over again that it’s taken me much longer than a white hot minute to recalibrate mind, body, and being to a ‘new normal.’

Even as founder and CEO of my own company where I’m the one who makes the rules, determines the pace and gets to define what ‘success’ is and how it’s measured, it’s taken me the time it takes to find the right new configuration that works both for me and those I work with – and it’s still a work in progress.

Perhaps because as a s*x coach, I learned the immense value of pleasure and of listening to my body’s own wisdom; and as an expert in relationships, the power of deep connection, vulnerability and clear communication, that this new approach to leadership that values open conversations, shared decision-making power and creating spaces where everyone feels empowered to contribute, so right to me.

It's leadership with relational intelligence - building consensus, reading between the lines, and making others feel truly heard.

Why the shift?

The old way isn’t working. We are unwilling to continue:

-Burning out

-Sacrificing a happy family life and healthy relationship for work

-Accepting that work must be meaningless drudgery

Women have long exercised influence through interpersonal bonds rather than formal authority. With an ability to be with nuance and placing a priority on well-being, we're breathing fresh air into stale power dynamics.
I’m not saying that we’ve totally nailed it. But we’re getting somewhere.
As the tides turn, those bold enough to embrace this more inclusive style of leading will be poised to make waves.

If you're ready to up-level your leadership with more collaboration and emotional wisdom, I'm here to help.

3 keys to navigate transitions for more peace in times of change

At the time of writing, we’re transition very slowly from winter to spring, here in the northern hemisphere, I’ve been sitting a lot with what makes for a ‘smooth’ Transition in life and love.

And because much of the work that I do as a coach involves guiding people through transition 

-from a lifetime single to being in an intimate relationship, 

-from the pain of a breakup to stability and strength as single person, 

-from one career ending to another beginning

-shifting into entrepreneurship after years of corporate life

And I’ve come to the conclusion that Transitions, which often involve massive change, are by their very nature unsettling. 

And therefore can never be truly ‘smooth’. 

Because we need things to come apart in order for something new to emerge. 

And that coming apart will inevitably feel messy, destabilising, challenging, unpredictable. 

As much as it does exciting, expansive and joyful. 

When the change is welcome. 

(And eventually over time, even if it was not).

So if we let go of the expectation of the ‘smooth’ transition and recognise that navigating change well includes all of the ups and downs and sideways feelings of it

Then we can come through it all with more peace in our hearts 

And welcome in what is coming towards us with more ease and more quickly than we would otherwise. 

3 ways to navigate transitions with greater ease: 

1. Clearly mark an ending 

2. Accept the messy middle

3. Vision forward

Clearly mark an ending  

When we clearly mark an ending, we pass through the messy middle (see below), more quickly and with greater ease. 

How to mark an ending: 

Recognise wisdom gained and release what wants to be left behind

Recognise wisdom gained – Consider the experience you’ve just had. It could have been a marriage of 20 years. Or a career you began early in life. 

Journal or sit with the following:

-what did you learn from the experiences you had? 

-what gems of wisdom gleaned will you take forward?

-what wants to be left behind?

-what are you grateful for as you consider the above?  

Release what wants to be left behind. You can do this by 

- writing regrets or resentments on pieces of paper then feed them to the fire as you let them go

-dance / shake / move your body to release any tightness or stickiness that your body is carrying

All of this creates space for what’s new to come forward. 

Acceptance and the messy middle 

This phase can feel like the most difficult to navigate. It’s the liminal space, that in-between point where uncertainty lies. You’ve left one known but now outdated shore and are adrift somewhere in the middle, not yet sure of where we’re headed…or how far away the new shores lie. 

How to navigate the messy middle: 

Continue to acknowledge and process feelings, emotions and memories that arises from the past…but don’t get stuck there

It can take time for our bodies to unravel from years of patterns and rhythmns established over time. And for our hearts and minds to fully settle. 

Practices to help you through: 

1 Acceptance: Know that this is a normal phase of any Transition; that change takes the time it takes. And that whilst you’ll soon be in a ‘new normal’, that an unravelling must happen. 

I choose to accept the decisions of the past as the best possible ones for where I was and what I knew at that time. 

I choose to accept that change takes the time it takes.

I choose to accept the wisdom of my body and my soul. 

2 Revisit the release practices that you did to clear your body and your energetic field. And to reinforce the markings of your ending. 

3 Let go of the doing or pushing. 

Sometimes moving forward is done most quickly by doing nothing at all.  

Clarity + Vision forward

How do you want to live this next phase of your life? Your next relationship? Your work, career and purpose? 

You’ve got perspective and experience to draw from thanks to your past. And clarity from the processing and space-creating you’ve done. 

Remember though, that Visioning is a time for dreaming, because dreaming is powerful. A time to step beyond the constraints of conventional thinking. A time to create a reality that is yours alone to live. A place that is exciting to step forward into. 

This does not mean that challenges will not come. They will at this new level of being that you’re visioning. 

When you give yourself time and permission to Vision, and to create space for the unexpected, new worlds unfold. 

Practice: Vision a new reality – feel and experience it through your 5 senses 

Get comfortable, and grab your journal and a pen. Write whatever comes to mind after reading the following prompts:

I desire a relationship / a career / life that...

Dream wide. Let yourself go. What is right size, shape, experience for you?

Consider your 5 senses:

Who/ what do you see around you in this new reality?

What do you hear in this space / place?

What do you taste?

What do you smell?

What do you feel on your skin. Or what emotions do you feel inside of you?

When I work with people on this, I get them to create a recording of their statement and listen to it again and again. 

Repetition helps to embed this vision deep within us. 

So that we begin to make decisions and live this vision to its fullest.

Let’s work together to get you through whatever it is that is ending for you and to a new beginning with more peace – experience coaching with me.

This post was inspired by the Modern Elder Academy’s ebook, Anatomy of a Transition. I highly recommend checking them out for more on transitioning well in mid-life.

On Living Well..and Ending Well (yep, that means death and dying)

I entered deep into conversation on life and death with Dr. Helena Dolny and a community of fellow coaches at Aephoria Partners. 

Perhaps it seems strange to post this today (it’s Spring Equinox as I write), the season in the northern hemisphere that is often all about welcoming in new life and living. What we often don't speak to is that Spring is also full of death and dying. The new buds that don't make it. And then the resilient few that 'harden' in the winds then blossom into fullness later on.

How do they do it?

Metaphors aside, talking about living fully...and dying well is tough stuff. And I love being with the tough stuff. Not because it’s easy. But because brave conversations like the one we had yesterday with Helena, make the tough stuff that much easier to be with, understand and move through so that we can indeed blossom and thrive.  

As a Coach, it’s my job to be with the challenges my clients face. To sit along side them as they ride out painful endings…the bumps of a bad breakup, the later phases of grieving of a partner lost to cancer or a destabilising career jolt in an unforeseen and undesirable direction. 

[ Flashback: From my archives (and still highly relevant) here’s a conversation I had with Ruth Sowter on how to practice resilience when you’re dating. Felt right to dig it up and share here. Enjoy it. ]

So that they can eventually move beyond this moment and shift forward into new beginnings…a new loving relationship or a job that feels like expansion and fulfilment. 

Life, it seems, is about transition. And how we surf the waves of change that comes with life’s transitions determines whether we thrive…or merely survive. 

As Dr Lucy Hone confirms so beautifully in her TedTalk, we all face challenges in our lives. Those that learn the skills and tools to be with these challenges well, build a resilience that is at once gentle and strong. 

As I share my own personal and professional set of skills and tools with those I work with and those I love, I continue to build my own understanding and embodiment of what it is to stand up time and again and brush off that proverbial dust. 

It is taking the time it takes. 

And I could not do it without the communities I sit in, the coaches that guide me (yes, I get to be supported too), and my own ever-deepening connection to self and the natural world around me. 

This is what it is to live well for me right now. 

What is it for you? 

From Microadventures to Mini-erotic explorations – Do-able, simple ways to keep things fresh in love

The unrelenting stress of modern life has left many couples that I speak to (myself included) too exhausted for intimacy. 

And in an era digital distraction, it’s hard to be fully present with our partners when we’re pulled left, right and centre by our devices, and stretched thin. 

A microadventure, according to British adventurer and author Alastair Humphreys , is an adventure that is ‘short, simple, local, and cheap – yet still fun, exciting, challenging, refreshing and rewarding’.

It is about getting out of your comfort zone, doing what you do not normally do and ‘stretching yourself: mentally, physically or culturally.’ And I’d add, erotically. 

Microadventures – including the erotic kind – sound to me, like the perfect option for Valentine-ing this year. 

And doing this in microdoses, feels much more do-able. 

Here are some ways: 

Travel the World without Leaving Your Living Room: Choose a country or theme (Parisian cafe night, Italian gondola ride), evoke that place with a few small touches (simply shifting your kitchen table to a different position in the room, picking up some paper table cloths and lighting a candle or two can make a big difference), cook themed dishes (or order in), learn basic phrases like ‘I adore you’ in the chosen language, play music, and kiss like the French. Let your imagination transport you, it’s an incredibly powerful vehicle.

Erotic adventuring Play is a big part of adventuring and absolutely belongs in the bedroom. It involves fun, is hands-on, takes some risk-taking and your full presence. Try the 5 senses game. One person blindfolds the other and then surprises them by teasing their way through the 5 senses. Choose their favourite flavours (eg raspberries), put on music that your partner loves, wear a scent they go crazy for, play with different types of sensual touch, and wear something sexy – or nothing at all – for when the blindfold comes off at the end. Learning and laughing as you go brings a sense of lightness to the bedroom. And a sense of magic.

Spontaneous Mini Road Trip…Across Town Spontaneity awakens passion and excitement. Pick a lesser-known yet close destination that wants exploring, and hit the road for a micro-getaway. FYI I like to have at least one or two ‘back-up destinations’ lined up if I’m the planner, so that you don’t find that everything is spontaneously and surprisingly closed. And then from there branch off and explore the new neighbourhood as if it were a whole new city.

Additional Tips:

• Focus on connection over perfection: The goal is to spend quality time together, not impress each other. Embrace spontaneity and unexpected moments.

• Set expectations: Discuss your budget, any time considerations, and anything else to make it feel small enough to be achievable.

• Make it an ongoing adventure: Turn microadventuring into a habit, exploring new places and activities throughout the year –  Including erotic exploration.

How to uncover the hidden gifts of your inner critic when your heart is broken

My inner critic is vicious, she says.

And I know where it comes from.

The 50-something, strikingly beautiful woman sitting across the screen from me briefly describes to me a childhood full of neglect and abuse.

And she knows that this has something to do with the latest painful breakup she’s experiencing as her past spills into the present. 

This latest breakup is a shock to her system.

And, I think to myself, a wake-up call to her soul.

Something needs to change.

She knows this.

I know this.

But what?

The woman I am speaking with is gorgeous…and incredibly successful. She describes to me with ease and grace the multiple homes she has dotted across the globe. And the incredible effort it took for her to reach a level of material success most only dream of.

She recognises that she’s done all of this against incredible odds – as a woman from an underprivileged family where she felt no support at all.

Now, it seems, her next greatest area for growth and expansion is in the realm of love.

And that inner critic, that relentless voice of self-loathing and hate isn’t really helping her.

Or is it?

Why is it there?, she asks me imploringly and frustrated both.

And why can’t I stop it?

The heartbreak is bad enough. But I’m just being brutal to myself.

Yes, I want to move on from this past relationship, but mostly…

I just want to feel a sense of peace inside of me.

She’s in deep pain and I can feel the weight of the sadness that she carries. Zoom does nothing to separate me from what my clients are experiencing.

Distance it seems, like time, is a construct.

I share that in my experience, that critic has some important information it wants us to know. There’s something it desperately wants us to be aware of.

Often it’s trying to protect us from getting hurt again. It’s just hasn’t got the greatest way of communicating that.

Right! She exclaims. An ah-ha moment.

That makes sense.

I can see that this simple reframe has already lifted some of the weight she’s carrying.

Just…how do I get it to stop?

I explain to her that it’s my job as coach to guide her through the how’s. To teach her the skills and tools she can use to navigate this inner landscape and shift that voice to a more compassionate and nurturing one.

And that again, in my experience person and professional, this is the route not only to new love…but also the way towards inner peace.

Life – and love – will still throw up challenges, but how we are with them changes forever.

It is one of the greatest joys in my life to help others shift to more fulfilment and ease in relationships and intimacy – and in life.

Connect with me if you too would welcome in some guidance on whatever love and life is throwing your way. And I’ll share with you how coaching with me can help.

3 ways to think small to love big in 2024 - How to avoid the pitfall of unrealistic relationship goals

When it comes to romantic relationships, whether you’re single or with a partner, the excitement of a new year often leads to dreaming big. 

Yet, setting unrealistic expectations can sow the seeds of disappointment and strain. 

For singles, this might mean feeling the pressure to find "the one," while couples may grapple with the weight of monumental relationship feats such as moving in together after the ‘right’ amount of time or ‘fixing’ from one day to the next a completely non-existent, unsatisfying sex life.

As we step towards 2024, I invite you to break free from the cycle of setting unrealistic resolutions for what you want from love, relationships and intimacy. 

Optimise vs Abandon Past Relationship Goals

Rather than dismissing past relationship objectives, whether within a partnership or whilst living life solo, consider the power of optimization. 

Build from where you are at. As you review and revise past relationship goals and desires consider:

• What do you continue to value and look for in another and in a relationship? 

• Does this need updating or tweaking? Expanding upon or trimming back?

• Or does it in fact require a full revamp?

If you feel like you might be completely missing the mark when it comes to expectations of what a healthy relationship and sexual wellness within it looks like, then it might be time for you to get some support.

Connect with me and I’ll share how private coaching with me can help.

Prioritise small, meaningful changes vs Huge leaps

Prioritise small, meaningful changes, creating a pathway for big leaps to happen in sustainable and safe ways. 

Remember, lots of little steps create the pathway to something much bigger. 

When I was single, it looked like this for me: 

Big goal – meet ‘my person’ and know they were ‘exactly right’ on the first date

The shift to small – I began to celebrate positive dating experiences – even if the person was clearly not going to be my ‘forever’ person

What changed

• I experienced dating as less stress-inducing and heavy. 

• Dating became the playing field where I tried things on, different ways of being ‘feminine’, perfecting the art of ‘receiving’.

  • I learned to stay more in the present and enjoy the good stuff. 

  •  I let go of anxiety-inducing ‘future think‘ such as skipping ahead to ‘wedding bells’ moments. 

COUPLES: here’s an example from my current relationship with Naz

Big goal – moving in together and buying a house

The shift to small – prioritise open communication on our future goals together, own what I want and share my why, get clear on my boundaries

What changed

• Pressure to have it all ‘done’ before we were both ready was alleviated

• There is more space and time to work on the underlying issues within us and in our relationship

• Reassurance that we’re both committed to the same thing – even if how we get there looks different, making our connection stronger

Define mini-milestones and celebrate them XXL vs Never feeling like it’s enough

Set mini-milestones – and celebrate yourself over and over and over again. Make pleasure your best friend. 

Daily pleasure/appreciation practice – celebrate one small way on how you showed up for yourself / your relationship (eg. I celebrate that I took 2 mins extra for my morning coffee and ‘me time’, that I told my partner I loved them even though they drove me crazy today, etc). Take pleasure in your bite-sized greatness. 

Weekly wins – at the beginning of the week set an ‘intention’ on how you’ll live it (eg. This week I’ll practise self-compassion and give myself a break if / when I trip up)

At the end of that week review/list the ways that you stayed the path. 

Flip any of the times you dropped off into an opportunity to learn (eg. I got super frustrated when I stayed way too long at work leaving no time for dating. Wow I’m good at focusing (celebrate this super-power!!). What if I committed time / focus to my love life as much as I do to work. What might become possible? How can I do that next week?)

When we stay connected to our incredibleness, it makes it easier for others to see it too – and love us for it! 

In summary

✨ Small changes compound over time, acting as a foundation and catalyst for you to reach your more ambitious goals. 

✨ Whilst the grand gestures look and feel good, it’s actually the consistency of small efforts that makes for lasting and sustainable change. 

✨ Think small to love big.

Sometimes even the small stuff feels big. That’s when it’s good to get some support. 

If you'd prefer to work with me privately, let’s connect on a 30-minute consultation call and feel it out with no strings attached.

How to create intimacy: build deeper connection in dating and relationships

Our definition and understanding of intimacy continues to shift, change and evolve as we do.

The ways in which we need and want to feel close to another, to be seen by them and understood - and in turn, see and understand ourselves better - are very different from person to person and relationship to relationship.

The truth is, we expect more from partners that we share a sexual or erotic connection with. And these relationships can feel very intense, more so than others.

So how can we create the depth of connection that we crave? Here are a few ways:

Are there different types of intimacy?

Now more than any time before this, we expect and demand intimacy with a partner in ways that we’re only beginning to articulate clearly.

If before we understood intimacy as a physical and emotional experience with another, we now can understand intimacy in a much more nuanced way:

• Physical Intimacy - a sense of safety, familiarity, and shared time.

• Sexual Intimacy - attraction, passion, and the erotic.

• Alchemical Intimacy - encouraging personal growth and taking risks.

• Emotional Intimacy - compassion, understanding, and unconditional love.

• Verbal Intimacy - effective communication.

• Bigger Vision Intimacy - sharing life goals and a greater purpose.

• Transcendent Intimacy - connecting on an energetic and spiritual level.

How do you build intimacy?

Building intimacy is a process that can change in different relationship stages:

✨ Early Dating - focus on open communication and consistency. Be honest about your dating approach and what you're looking for, both in the short and long term.

✨ Established Relationship - continue open communication as your feelings evolve. Understand your physical intimacy boundaries and desires and communicate them with your partner. Recognize that these can vary from person to person. Communicate what feels good to you about the amount of time spent together with the person versus time spent alone.

✨ Long-Term Relationship - to keep the intimacy alive, explore your sexual edge, and stay curious about your partner's ever-changing needs and desires. Be open to new experiences and ways of connecting. Consider what you’d like to experience more of with your partner and ask for it. Or get creative and think of ways that you can explore the terrain together.

Intimacy is a complex and personal journey

Blockers and accelerators can vary greatly from person to person and depend on the type of intimacy in question.

They might include physical or contextual factors in sexual intimacy or past experiences and family dynamics affecting emotional intimacy.

The key to overcoming these blockers and facilitating intimacy is self-awareness and self-healing.

✨ Recognizing how past experiences have shaped your ability to connect and work on removing those internal barriers can be transformative.

✨ Building trust in yourself and your ability to connect with others is essential for authentic intimacy.

One more thought…

Intimacy with another can also be built by getting more intimate with yourself.

The more you know of yourself, the more trust and safety you build within yourself, and the more you’ll be able to show and share with and for another.

Intuition – learn how to connect with your inner guidance to live life and love on purpose

“The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honours the servant and has forgotten the gift.”

— Albert Einstein

I’m the first to admit that I have a HUGE tendency to look outside of myself for direction and the way forward, especially when I feel out of my depth.

Like when I get kicked off (or kick myself off) of a very familiar path that no longer excites me, and enter into uncharted waters with lots of uncertainty like in new love or a new career.

It has taken me more than 1/2 a decade to hit pause on what other people have to say about how to ‘be successful’ at love and life.

To finally COME BACK TO ME and to trust that I know the way. That the deepest parts of me can and will guide me forward towards living and loving and working and being in alignment with my soul's plan.

How connected do you feel to your own intuition?

How do you know whether it’s intuition guiding you or fear that directs you?

And what do you do if you just ‘don’t feel it?’

Here’s how you do it:

The practice

How to connect with your intuition

Quiet your monkey mind

Intuition can be heard when your rational mind is quiet enough to listen to what is underneath all of the thinking.

Sit in meditation

Notice what emerges from the quiet. What messages surface? What pulls at your body?

Investigate and notice if underneath what comes up there is fear or negativity. If so, this is likely your conditioned mind that wants to keep you safe.

Listen to what it has to say with curiosity. Let it know you’ve heard it. Let it know that you will heed it’s warning. Give it what it wants or needs with kindness and compassion. Notice if it quiets down enough for stillness to arise.

And gently feel into that which lies beyond the fear.

This is where your intuition lies.

Embrace Predictability and Rhythm

Take a walk, go on a run, or let yourself putter around the house.

Sometimes, when you busy the mind with the simple, predictable patterns of life, intuition can then come through and be heard.

How to Recognise Your Intuition

Intuition speaks to us each differently.

It might come to you as:

🌼 Words that resonate deeply within

🌼 Messages from the natural world

🌼 Synchronicities that occur in our day-to-day life

🌼 Moments of inspiration or insight that seem to come ‘out of nowhere’

The quality of the communication is often clear and feels or sounds true, even if our rational minds have a hard time wrapping itself around the ‘how’ or ‘why’ of it all.

Let go of needing to know NOW

If nothing comes straight away, then let go of the need to know NOW (easier said than done, I hear you!).

Trust that the answers will appear in time.

It is an exercise in faith and allowing this one. And one that I personally have found quite challenging.

But when I am able to soothe myself and remember what I’ve learned time and again – that everything comes in the right time – then I can relax back into the flow of life.

And let things come to me.

This is a radical change from the ‘make it happen’ mindset I’m usually in.

And it takes practice.

Once you are clear on which direction to move in (thank you intuition), then you can shift into action mode with clarity, insight and confidence.

Over time, I’ve learned the language of my intuition, so when she speaks, I hear her and can trust that she’s pointing me in the direction that I need to go. Even when the way forward - her way -seems uncertain and risky.

Knowing something intellectually is one thing. LIVING IT is quite another, and an ongoing practice.

I’m walking besides you on this one. As always.

And am ready to guide you back to you, should you like support in it. As a coach and fellow traveller.

Find love in your friend circle – unlock hidden diamonds

In a world increasingly dominated by dating apps and swiping right, we often forget to look within our own circles for potential romantic connections. Friends of friends, colleagues, neighbors, or even familiar faces from the local shop or train can hold the key to unexpected connections and blossoming love stories.

Shifting our perspective and seeing the people around us in a new light can yield many benefits and open up avenues for genuine connections.

Exploring the Uncharted Territory

Seeing someone you already know in a romantic light may seem daunting, but it can lead to beautifully unexpected outcomes. Before you embark on this journey, consider a few crucial points:

• Acknowledge Their Single Status: Remember that being single doesn't necessarily imply openness to a romantic relationship. Respect their feelings and desires around the topic before proceeding.

• Take a Subtle Approach: Start with subtlety. Engage in one-on-one interactions and find shared interests to forge a deeper connection.

• Shared Activities: Invite them to events or activities where you can spend quality time together. Engaging in shared experiences will help you understand your compatibility on various levels.

Why look closer to home instead of relying on dating apps? Meeting people through existing connections increases the likelihood of finding like-minded individuals who share your interests and values, setting a stronger foundation for a meaningful connection.

Navigating the Challenges

While connections through mutual acquaintances come with a level of built-in trust, it's crucial not to make assumptions. Your friends may not know the person as intimately as you think. Taking time to truly understand someone is essential. Fortunately, relationships that evolve organically tend to develop more naturally over time, reducing pressure and allowing connections to flourish at their own pace.

• Expressing Romantic Interest: So, you've found someone you're interested in. How can you let them know without it becoming awkward? Communication is key:

• Open Dialogue: Address your feelings honestly and openly. While it may be intimidating, voicing your emotions is an essential step.

• Practical Realism: Be prepared for various outcomes. Not every connection will lead to a romantic relationship. Accepting the possibility of friendship or non-reciprocal feelings is part of the process.

Crushes: A Lifelong Experience

Crushes aren't just for adolescents; they're a natural part of being human. They can trigger the release of "feel-good" chemicals in the brain, improving mood and happiness. A crush can reignite passion and remind you of your capacity for affection, fostering self-love regardless of reciprocation.

The Magic of Eye Contact

Maintaining eye contact is a powerful nonverbal communication tool that conveys trustworthiness and sincerity. The eyes are often referred to as the "window to the soul," and prolonged eye contact connects you on a deeper level. It can also suggest that you have romantic interest in someone.

• Building Trust: Eye contact signals engagement and presence, fostering trust in any relationship.

• Expressing Attraction: Prolonged eye contact can release oxytocin, the "love hormone," increasing feelings of attraction.

Mastering Eye Contact

If you're shy or unused to prolonged eye contact, here's how to master it gracefully:

• Start Gradually: Begin with brief eye contact and gradually extend the duration as you grow comfortable.

• Practice: Train with friends and family, gaining confidence in familiar environments.

• Breathe: Deep breaths alleviate anxiety and discomfort, helping you remain composed during eye contact.

Remember, it's okay to be nervous or shy. Respecting your comfort levels is vital. As you become more at ease, eye contact will come naturally. This connection-building tool can potentially lead to deep, fulfilling relationships.

Connecting Beyond the App

In a world of screens and swipes, rediscovering the power of connections within your circle can rekindle authentic interactions. Remember to approach these potential relationships thoughtfully, with respect and empathy.

Love can bloom in the most unexpected places, reminding us that human connections are rich with possibility. So, open your eyes, engage with the world, and embark on a journey of heartfelt connections.

3 ways Coaching is different from Therapy

I get asked how Coaching is different from Therapy a lot.

And it’s a great question – I intentionally chose coaching over therapy for very specific reasons.

Here they are:

3 ways Coaching is different from traditional talk therapy

Coaching is results-driven and goal-oriented

I help you to get you clear on what you want, quickly identify what is getting in the way of you having that, and then equip you with the tools and skills you’ll need to create it. From our very first session.

Coaching is unapologetically results driven. We aim to see the changes you want to happen not only within you (for example increased confidence and solid self-worth), but also in the world around you (you date differently and attract partners that are a step change from where you are now).

Coaching is a body / mind / heart / soul practice

Neuroscience has proven this inextricable and undeniable link time and time again, so we work with all parts of you to enable rapid, efficient transformation that lasts over time.

When we work with the body we can get to the underlying root of what’s holding you back much more directly and quickly than when you simply talk it out.

We harnesses the power of your mind, the knowing of your heart and the wisdom of your body to get you where you want to be as swiftly as possible.

Coaching is practical and immediately applicable in day-to-day life

From day one you’ll apply what we uncover in our sessions to your present-day life in do-able, sustainable ways. You’ll learn the skills and tools that you’ll need to move towards what you want in simple yet powerful ways.

Practices are proven by science and everything I teach I practice myself.

Coaching is also similar to therapy and I love to take the best from the therapy world and integrate it into my practice.

3 ways Coaching is similar to talk therapy

Coaching is deeply exploratory

We know that the subconscious largely determines how we are in the world, the decisions we make and the experiences that we have. In coaching we surface what lies beyond your conscious awareness to understand it, learn from it, heal it, and integrate it so that you are free to choose new behaviours or pathways forward to get what you want in life and love.

Coaching is incredibly healing

As we uncover the tender stuff in our work together, your vulnerabilities, your fears, the things that hold you back, you’ll learn to take care of these parts of you in whole new ways. By turning towards what feels difficult and understanding it, it becomes easier to embrace more of you with love, kindness and compassion – the keys to healing from the past.

In coaching we do take things one step further – you’ll also turn towards and recognise the parts of you that are fiercely powerful. And you learn to step into these parts of you fully so that you can live life from and embodied sense of trust in yourself and your ability to do things differently.

Empowerment is an important part of the healing process that often is forgotten in traditional therapy. In coaching, it happens from day one.

Coaching is gentle yet extremely powerful

Cutting-edge, scientifically backed, proven methods for deep change run throughout my work. Yet compassion and kindness are as much guiding forces and powerful agents for change as anything else.

Please note that everyone’s coaching and therapy practices are unique and different. When you find the right person for you, you’ll know it. And if you’re like me, you’ll say ‘yes’ to it – because there is nothing more life-affirming as learning to become the author of your own life – and love.

Let’s have a chat about whether this way of working is right in helping you in dating and love, relationships and intimacy.

How to keep long-term love fresh and desire alive

Long-term love is a wonderful thing.

And for the doubters out there, I can tell you that yes, it can and does exist. Personal and professional experience has shown me this. 

However

It does take both attention (the energy of focus) and intention (the energy of transformation)* to keep love fresh and alive over time. 

Many years ago, I learned and now teach a simple and powerful practice that helps with exactly this.

As with many of the practices I share, this one works on all layers of your being – body, heart and mind.

When you’ve been with someone for a long time, you tend to pick up and carry with you some of their ‘stuff’, the heavier stuff, as much as the ‘good’ stuff and it lands and stays in you – all of you.

So whether it’s their sadness, anger or frustration with life that leaves traces of those emotions within you

Or the unease that remains between the two you from heated arguments or confrontation resolved or unresolved

Or a kind of dullness that leaves you numbed out or bored from too much time together, too much familiarity, too much closeness

All of these things can weigh you down, dampen desire and prompt you to ask yourself

If it’s going to feel like this from now until the end of time

Whether you’ll ever feel the sparkle of turn-on that you once felt for them again

And whether the person you are with is right for you any more

My response to you is this: 

Whilst it is true that all things are cyclical in life and in love

And that even in the best of romantic, intimate relationships there are times of unease and disharmony or disenchantment and dullness

That there are things you can do to reset your energy and the energy of the relationship.

And with the reset regain

The freshness of love between you

The space for desire to ignite again

And deepen and build upon the richness that comes with long-term, committed love

This beautiful ritual of cleaning and clearing on all levels of your being – body, heart and mind – is one that I use not only with women to heal past heartbreak.

But also with those in long-term relationship that wants a refresh.

So that there’s space for new fresh love to emerge and for desire to reignite.

It is sacred. It is special. 

And you and your relationship, are worth it. 

*Thank you to Deepak Chopra @ for clarifying my understanding of the energy behind these two words.

3 ways to open up to pleasure – feel more, be more, love more

‘Shall we put a song on?’, I ask her through the ether. 

My intern and I had been heads down focused and working for a few hours, each of us separately together via Zoom as one does. 

The air was dense with concentration and focus and was beginning to feel a bit too heavy. I was dragging.

‘Unless you don’t want me to,’ I added when she didn’t reply straight away.

I was afraid that the 2 minute dance breaks between our longer work segments might make her uncomfortable. 

We’d just begun working together a few short weeks ago, after all and it must feel quite unusual for your boss to suggest you dance – at work in the middle of the day – when there was so much to do. 

‘No no, it’s good!’ She replied, prying her gaze from the computer screen. 

And so I chose a throwback from my Spotify list. And off we were, out of our chairs and groovin’ to the beat. 

Those two minutes of moving our bodies, reconnecting with our physical selves and getting out of our heads for just a few moments throughout the day are simply golden. 

It feels luscious and delicious to reconnect to the simple pleasure of being here and now, alive in the world.

When we both sat back down again to dive deep into our next work segment, we felt not only refreshed and revived

But there was space created for inspiration and joy to come back again into the work we were doing. We would continue to do our best work with greater focus.

So why is it so difficult for us to allowing pleasure into our lives when we THRIVE as a result. 

We keep ourselves from feeling full pleasure not just in our work lives, but unbelievably also in dating, love and relationships – the place where we hope to…expect to experience it most.

Resisting pleasure in sex, love and relationships shows up as: 

• The incredible guy I coached this week who holds back from initiating lovemaking in bed with his gorgeous wife...and she wonders if they should stay together

• The woman I spoke to who never revealed to her best male friend how much he means to her…and then feels her heart break when he tells her that he’s begun a relationship with someone else

• And me, well…I find myself holding back from pleasure too. Most recently in worrying that I might be asking for too much in my relationship and push my partner away by doing so. 

When I recently shifted this dynamic with my partner with the support of an incredible couples coach, I realised that I had been inadvertently denying my partner pleasure too – the pleasure of stepping up to the meet me where I deeply desired to be met. (Yes, the best coaches out there get coached too.)

• I am now continually surprised and delighted by the joy with which my partner has shown greater affection and love for me now that we’ve stepped into a higher level of commitment together.

• The guy I coached has discovered the deeper underlying fears that keep him from stepping fully into pleasure and connecting intimately with the person that he loves the most. And is moving beyond them, knowing that there’s immense potential for pleasure with life lived at 100%.

• And whilst it is yet to be determined whether platonic love will be realised with this particular fellow, the woman that I spoke to has shifted her focus to her own pleasure, what she needs most and is now navigating her next right move from this place of centred grounded presence. 

And so I have learned that pleasure is not only conducive to creativity and joy of being, it is also an excellent indicator of what possibilities and love and intimacy might open up when we turn towards it. 

Will you?

If the answer I hear from you is a hesitant, yes but…it’s understandable.

What makes it so difficult to open up to pleasure? 

Here are 3 common reasons why we hold ourselves back from pleasure: 

We’ll lose control if we let go and experience pleasure…and that’s definitely dangerous

Opening up to pleasure requires just that, opening up. And opening ourselves to another can feel incredibly vulnerable when we’re not quite sure of what the outcome may be. Better to stay clamped down (at least by 40% like the guy I’ve written about above) so as not to wander too deep into the waters of the unknown and risk the overwhelm of not knowing what to do should things not go well. 

It can feel literally life-threatening. 

If we learned very early on in life that the unknown or unpredictable is best dealt with by shutting ourselves off from it all at least in part, then that coping mechanism in dealing with the unknown can also show up in bed however many decades later.  

Only with a very solid sense that no matter what happens when we reveal our heart’s desire, it will all be ok can we take a risk and follow our desire. This solid sense (some call it a sense of safety, some security, some sureness), often must be experienced on a bodily level as much as a mental and emotional one. 

And so working with your body and your mind to let your whole self know that it’s safe to open up, is the core skill that wants honing. 

We might get hurt or rejected if we go for the pleasure we want, it’s better to stay safe

It’s risky to reveal what you want. You might fear that it could tip the balance in an existing relationship, a balance that’s been built up over years. And cause a rupture that may not be able to be repaired. After all, once a truth is spoken it can not be taken back. And what if that truth is not accepted? Or that we are judged in our wanting? What then? The entire nature of our relationship may change leaving us…perhaps alone. 

Or it could leave you feeling ashamed or embarrassed and rejected if your sentiments aren’t returned. You might lose a friend you harbor deeper feelings for, like the woman I wrote about above. Or be left wondering if you’ll ever find someone who wants the same things as you do. 

And yet it’s by embracing and sharing our deepest truths that allows others to see and experience us for who we truly are. And fall in love with the ‘real’ us. Over and over again. 

Fully accepting ourselves for who we are and what we desire is a way of moving closer the pleasure of our fullest expression in our relationship. It enables us to feel a sense of true freedom even as we’re together with another in a committed relationship. 

We might get lost in bliss – or it’s opposite, misery – never to return again! 

What if we truly did live life in the fulness of pleasure. What hidden desires might we discover that we’ve been repressing or pushing down all of this time? How might it change how we date, or experience relationships? 

Will we still fit into the social circles that we belong to? Will we be accepted and loved for who we are and how we are? 

Would we ever get anything done at work?

And then, if we open ourselves up to feeling things fully, we will inevitably also feel more difficult emotions as well.

Feeling is feeling.  

And allowing yourself the space to experience a more full range of emotions can take some practice. Especially if you’re not used to it. 

Know that there are ways to begin feeling again that happen slowly and in right time so that you don’t shift into overwhelm and close down even further. 

Emotional resilience, some call it. And in my experience it’s a body, heart and mind practice. All of us feels. All parts of us. And so we want to learn how to work with all parts of us to open to feeling, and pleasure in healthy ways. 

It is possible to feel pleasure fully and survive it! 

I’d be thrilled to show you the way. 

If you feel called to a life and love more full of pleasure, I’d be delighted to support you to experience it more fully – in sex, love, relationships or in life (including work life). 

Write me and let’s begin a conversation about how I can help you get there. 

3 keys to making love last

Relationships, my own included, are a thing that is constantly shifting, changing and evolving. And that I learn to navigate day-by-day and year-by-year by being in it fully and with as much eyes-wide-open awareness as possible. 

I continually hone the skills and tools I’ve learned over the past decade and share with my clients in my own relationship. 

And this week what’s come into clearer focus are the 3 things that make love raw and real and intimacy sacred and sexy – over time. 

Celebrate what is

Make a conscious decision to turn toward your partner again and again. And to see in them the qualities that they have that you love. It’s a choice to recognise and remember what you love about them – and to do this over and over again over time. 

This commitment to seeing the good in one another is what makes love sacred – and helps to keep passion alive. 

Let go of what isn’t

No one person can meet all of your needs all of the time, no matter how incredible they are. Be grateful for the moments when your partner can meet you and hold you and support you as best they can. And accept what isn’t there as it likely never will be. Know that real, raw love is imperfectly human. And it’s ok to ‘grieve what isn’t’, as therapist Terry Real teaches.  

And work on the rest

Growth-based relationships where you come together to learn and evolve will serve up it’s fair share of challenge. Develop the awareness, skills and tools that will help you to move through the tough stuff together. By being with what feels most tender and vulnerable with emotional maturity and self-responsibility, you develop the safety and trust that is foundational to healthy intimate relationships.