How to get more message responses from women online

There’s nothing worse than sending out message after message to women online – some who actually look great – only to get back…well, next to nothing. 

You try various approaches from messages straight from the heart, to a copy and paste-er you found somewhere online that worked well for sooooo many guys out there – just not you. 

You go and tell yourself all women on dating apps suck. 

Or worse yet, that it must be you. 

Well, neither of those stories is actually true. 

The fact of the matter is that messaging via online apps is something of an art form. 

One that can be learned and leveraged to get you

• More responses

• Faster

• For fun dates with quality women that you’ve actually got a connection with

Here’s how. 

In any good, healthy conversation there is balance.  

The quality of the exchange is based on each person’s ability to both 

• share authentically and meaningfully

• and feel seen and heard

It’s a 50/50 balance that’s established from the first few messages with someone. 

Here’s how to establish and maintain this balance

So that you can go from right swipe to first and then second date more quickly and easily than before. 

And actually enjoy the flow. 

Messaging stage 1 : Quality connection > Build rapport

Authenticity is key right from the start. 

In order for you to ‘share authentically and meaningfully’, you’ve got to genuinely be interested in the person. 

Women I speak with constantly complain that the first message…and 2nd…and 3rd..that they get from guys they definitely DO NOT respond to online are ones that go like this: 

Hey, how are you? Looks like you’re into some cool stuff. 

It feels copy / paste, totally generic, and meaningless.  She feels like just another number.And your message gets ignored.  

You want to bring value to the conversation in the very first message so she feels seen and heard by you. 

SO 

You want to read her profile, even if it’s brief. 

Why? 

Because if you just flash through her photos, you risk making snap judgements about what you see and end up writing a boring, bland message like the ones above. 

You don’t have to overanalyse what you find. 

After all, you’ve only just come across this woman and we’re not there yet for that level of investment from you. 

What you’re looking for is: 

• Something she’s included that you’re genuinely curious about

• A common passion or subject area of interest

• A quality of hers that you appreciate and can call out 

Notice that in all three cases, something about her has truly caught your eye. You really do want to know more. 

Now you are you are perfectly placed to send the first message. 

Sample message: 

I see you’ve been to Mexico. Amazing. I’ve always wanted to go there. 

What did you love about it? 

Pro tip:

Ending messages with questions prompts a response from the other person and makes it easier for them to think of a reply.

Average number of messages exchanged in this phase: 

3-4

Messaging stage 2 : Stay light + laser focused on the outcome > Ask her out 

Intentional messaging is sending light, conversational messages that are focused on an outcome –asking her out on a date that’s fun for the both of you. 

In the next few messaging exchanges, keep a gentle focus on an actual date so that the chances of you actually meeting up are greater. 

Suggest activities or places you could meet that are in sync with her interests. 

In the post-Covid era we find ourselves in, it is not uncommon to ask a woman onto a video chat prior to meeting her in the ‘real world’. 

This helps to avoid the endless back and forth that used to happen in the online dating world. Hurrah Covid! We’ll take the small wins.  

If you decide to take this route, have in mind ideas for a few dates that speak to her interests – and yours. 

In this day and age, even modern women like men to take the lead. 

This is not a hard and fast rule – there are plenty of women who will ask you out.

But by inviting her out after a few message exchanges to places that you know she’d love you show her: 

• your level of interest

• your fun and creative side

• your confidence and willingness to follow words with action

So when it feels right, go for it. 

Sample message: 

‘Hey, are you free next week to meet up? I saw that the Mexican place down the road just opened up again. Based on what you told me about the great food you had in Mexico, I think you’d enjoy it. Would you like that?’

Pro Tip:

Don’t wait too long to ask her out. Take the risk if you like her. Breadcrumbing is a real thing, and women will become wary of you if you hesitate because you feel shy or your confidence drops.

Take a deep breath (or 10!!), relax into your body, and tap ‘send’.

Pro Tip:

If you hop on a video chat and are not interested in taking it further, thank her for her time and gracefully end the connection. 

Sample share: 

‘It’s been great connecting with you, however I don’t feel there’s enough of a connection from my side to take it further.’

Average number of messages exchanged in this phase: 

3-4

And that leads me to the final stage…

Messaging stage 3 : Invest further + stay genuine > Ask her out again

At this point if you’ve been on a date or a video chat, you may have gotten her phone number. 

If not and you’d like to continue seeing her, go ahead and ask her for it. 

If you enjoyed the first date and would like a second, don’t hesitate to let her know. 

The length of time in-between a first and second date varies considerably from person to person and there are no hard or fast rules. 

What you do want is to maintain the connection you’ve created. Video chats and messaging in between dates supports this. However nothing can replace that in-person connection. 

So when it feels good to you, ask her out again. 

Pro Tip:

If you’re not sure how much you like her yet, it’s absolutely ok to take your time in getting to know her. If she asks, be sincere and genuine about what you are experiencing. Stay in your truth. It’s the foundation of all relationships. So if you want to give this one a chance, stay in radical honesty and share what you are feeling. 

The quality of the responses you get from a woman will help you determine her level of interest. When you use the formula above, you create meaningful connection with another. And gauging her response will tell you whether it’s worth your time and effort to take it further.  

Remember, conversations, even simple sincere early-dating ones, are a 2 way street – ‘It takes to to tango’ as they say. 

Continue honing your messaging skills to set the stage for meaningful connection [ Stage 1 ], stay gently focused on the outcome (a date) [ Stage 2 ] and maintain authentic communication [ Stage 3 ] and you are well one your way to online dating success.   

The Man Cave – Uncovering the mystery (+ hidden benefits)

I LOVE ME A HAIRY MAN

AND the thought of one retreating into a cave brings out the primal, wild woman in me...

Rrrroooooaaarr!!!

Well, actually it’s more like…

OMG…!!!!
Will he ever emerge?

Have I lost him forever to the deep dark depths of the earth?

I’ve gotten much better with losing Naz to his ‘cave’ (in this case his pool table).

In fact, now I even welcome the retreat.

A part of me does remain fearful of the temporary void it presents.

It’s the part of me that is afraid of being abandoned or left behind or forgotten.

And she used to HATE the man cave

Because it’s inaccessible and feels cold and dark.

And then I got a flashlight.

I asked a bunch of guys what IS it about the man cave that is so...well...necessary?

Wow, did I learn a LOT.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here are all the reasons I got from talking to loads of guys about why we should be grateful for this deep, dark place:

If you want a man who's powerful, full of energy, present with you, able to give, is compassionate and loving then he'll need his space

In his man cave he:

- fills himself up so he can give the best of himself (rather than just what is left)

- can better serve the relationship

- does some deep healing work on himself - he processes through emotions and takes a look inwards

- he lets the pressures of life drop away and relaxes

- problem solves and works through things, strengthening his own resolve and managing his emotions

- seeks to protect you from what he is feeling if he thinks it might be too much

- builds testosterone so he can show up in life strong

- do nothing...he just needs some rest

GUYS - If you just need some time for yourself for any of the above, and you find a woman freaking out, just let her know that you need some space to process thru things so you can show up fully present so you can give her your best. She'll love you for it!

** WARNING There is a shadow side though **

Excessive time in the man cave can be a way that the person is avoiding things, whether that be a difficult conversation or dealing with his own emotions.

If you think this is what's happening here, you can invite your guy into conversation.

If this feels impossible, you can PM me. I work with couples to build communication so they can relate better and love more easily.

How to keep a man worth keeping

How to keep a man worth keeping…

Guys worth keeping are special. They are powerful creatures. And yes, also can feel like a rare breed.

So when you find one that makes you feel so good to have him around, you want to keep him in your life.

Because he’s good for you. And you are good for him.

I love the way that a man holds me in his arms and teases me when I need to laugh and how he smells like deliciousness.

And I love that a man worth keeping

Supports a woman in her mission in life, whether that be in her career or in raising kids, and he stands by her

This empowers him

He feels in integrity supporting someone he believes in

And it empowers her

She benefits from the additional support of having someone stand alongside her

She remains desirable

She doesn’t actually need him (which feels like pulling)

She chooses him (which feels like desire)

And this is great.

I’ve been here.

And I’ve slid into the other side of this which is not so nice...AND have spoken to many other women who’ve also slipped down this slide too

And the results are the same

A man worth keeping, loses his interest when...

• He feels like he has to hold you up

• This takes away from his own ability to focus on his own sense of direction and purpose and he risks losing himself in your story

• He feels like your happiness depends on him

• Your happiness is actually not in his control - he feels helpless

• And you actually lose out too

• When you lean on someone too much you

Start to wonder if you actually are capable of making it happen. If you are enough. If you are even worth it.

And you feel less powerful.

And more dependent.

Yep, I said it. The evil word...dependent.

Because that is what happens.

Here’s how to keep yourself (and your guy) alive with desire for one another even as you bask in their support

• Recognize what is happening

• Own up to it

• Make some hard decisions

• Communicate what is going on to the other person (if appropriate)

• Re-centre yourself - stand in your own power / light and move forward

The Secret Lives of Men

I’ve begun to speak with, walk with and talk with more and more men through my work.
I’m here not to speak on their behalf – I’d not be able to do that accurately.
I’m here to communicate what I have felt and heard through these conversations and heart-to-hearts with some magnificent men. 👱‍♂🧔🏿👨🏻

Because the hearts of men are truly magnificent. ❤⚡💪🏼

And it’s their deepest desire to share their hearts with you. And love you from that depths of that most sacred of places.

And in order to do that and, for both them and for you thrive from this incredible gift of giving, you’re gonna need to be ready.

You’re going to have to let go of the expectation that a man is and always should be superhuman. Sometimes he is godlike and heroic beyond belief. 💪🏼
And other times he’s gloriously human. He experiences the full range of human emotion from rage to love to fear to courage to wisdom to longing to power to loneliness. 😐

And the bravest of men will show you all of this. 🎁🎁🎁

Because in this openness he’s taking the biggest risk of all – dismounting from the white horse to meet you at a heart level. 👸🏾🤴🏼

And when he dismounts from that horse, he all of a sudden becomes someone who can get hurt and falter. Who feels pain and doesn’t know quite what to do with it.
I know you. You are an incredible woman. You are learning to own your stuff. To do the work.
And in order to do that successfully it’s been necessary to be seen not as always perfect or right or having her shit together, but also in those moments where the cracks show. 😔

And so knowing what it takes to be powerful and fully loved and accepted exactly as you are, are you ready to do this for a man?

Because if what you long for is to be seen and loved for exactly who you are in all of you, I can confirm that men want precisely the same thing.

Learn 3 simple practices - master the Art of Receiving and Fall into Love

The other night I went out swing dancing with some friends. I love the place we go to as there’s a live swing band playing some of my favourite music from another time and place.

The crowd is a real mix of people. Hipsters twirl together with old timers dressed in finery from another era – it can really take you to another place.

I accepted a dance from one of my favourite gentlemen in the place. He must be at least 80 years old or so and he is a fantastic lead.

And I am a fantastic follower.

But this didn’t happen overnight.
You see, it took me quite some time to learn the delicate balance of give / take in the dance. And what my part as a follower would be in it.  

My part is to know my steps. But even more important than this is to listen carefully to the journey that the lead is creating. He has in his mind from one moment to the next what shapes we’ll create and what movements we’ll swing into. And if I didn’t listen carefully, our togetherness breaks.

It took me a long time to learn to follow because most of my life (which was me, single and dancing alone) I was the lead.

And in many ways, I liked it this way. I decided what to do when and how. At work. At play.

But it was also exhausting.

I wondered what life might look like, and how the dance would be if there was someone else there with me. 😌

What if they were leading (frightening thought) even if just for a few moments. What would that look like?

What if they messed up?

What if I messed up?

What if I couldn’t follow?

What if I didn’t like where they were going? Or how they were getting there?

And what would I be as a (lowly) follower? 🤨

I was reminded when dancing with my wonderful octogenarian lead, what it was like to be on the receiving end of a man who knows where he’s going and what he’s doing.

I could relax into the moment. I closed my eyes, let by body listen to the sensitive yet clear signalling of his hands in mine, and dropped completely into the music and the moment. Bliss! ✨

Was I perfect? No! I messed up loads of times. And threw my head back in laughter (even to be able to do this – laugh at the mess-ups especially when there was another person involved – took lots of years of practice).

What about him? Patiently and with an amused smile, my lead would get us back on track with that clear, constant signalling of a slight shift of his hand in mine. He had it covered. 🎩

If you give a man the chance, they will add pleasure to your life. And be so happy to do so. Because when they care about you, even just a little, your pleasure is magic to them.

But learning to receive gifts from gentlemen (and even sometimes their lead) takes training. 🧘‍

In fact, for women, learning to receive ANYTHING from just about anyone, is not easy. Tonight I’ll talk about why this is.

WHAT YOU’LL LEARN

In this video I teach you 3 simple ways to begin to receive more easily in life. Especially from men.

So that when a man steps up to give to you, whether that be a simple invitation to dance, or even just to hold open the door, you are ready to receive this gift of pleasure into your life. And know the power in it. For both of you.

And to help you with the first step, download this { FREE } Playbook ‘How to Find Good Guys’ here.

4 ways to bring yourself from shut-down to turned-on

If you are reading this, you’ve most likely grown up in the pre-Moana age, where dashing men on snow-coloured horses woke us from long slumbers or saved us from burning towers to whisk us away to...the distance. 

Sex isn’t really a topic bridged in our Disney-fantasy land so we don’t really know what ‘should’ go on after this other than the understanding that birds and bees have something to do with it. That we’re sure of. 🐝

Hollywood picks up the plot where Disney leaves off. It paints another picture full of explosive OOOOooo yes!! orgasms after only seconds of frantic foreplay, if any. This is yet another myth in perpetual creation of a certain flavor of sex that is only a mere sliver of what the experience of lovemaking can be. 

The residue of these stories are alive and kicking deep in our psyches. And so when love and lovemaking doesn’t happen this way (and it almost always doesn't), then what? 

I invited Laura Lommers as a guest on this FB Live, as I felt that her story would help you to understand that even if you find the ‘perfect man’, your ‘prince charming’ of sorts, he is not necessarily responsible for the pleasure you will feel in sex, no matter how good of a lover he is. 👑

Nor is he entirely responsible for how you experience sex and whether you Ooooo yes! or not.  

But….but… I know…..How is this possible, you ask?

When Laura met her ‘Prince Charming’, the man she would marry, the love of her life, her body shut down. Her experience of pleasure shut down. Her desire for making love dropped to zero.

It made no sense.

When she realised why this was happening, she would go on to have a beautiful relationship and vibrant (if not perfect) sex life with her gorgeous husband. 🌷

I’ve asked Laura to share her story with you and the ways in which is re-ignited pleasure in her own body. She now teaches this to her clients as a Sensual Pleasure Coach, so it's a chance to hear from a pro who's been there.

This is how you can own your sexiness and experience pleasure whether you are single or dating or married. 

And how you absolutely do not need to rely on another person to get you there.

Good guys to date are an endangered species, you say?

This is a post for all those women out there who feel like there’s no hope, because there are just NO GOOD MEN to date.

If you feel like you're rolling around in a state of frustration and sense of loss at a world devoid of good quality men available and date-able, then I ask you to try out this out.

You can DOWNLOAD THE PLAYBOOK on the homepage for extra support. 

Step 1

Write down the names of 5 guys that you know that fit the qualifier of ‘good’. They don’t have to be datable.

Example: Your brother’s best friend. Or that nice guy from work. Or the coffee guy who makes your espresso every morning.

Step 2: Men are sooooooo…..yum!

Using the examples above, write down 5 things that you love about each of the men from Step 1

Example: Here’s my list: 1. Ability to focus  2. Determination 3. Strength 4. Calm presence in the midst of storm  5. Honorable 6. (I needed to add this extra I realized as it came to me as I was writing this…) Fire + sexiness (I love sex and I love that they do too). Flip the page if you need to.

Step 3: They’re alive. And out there.

Go out in the world and when you detect one of the ‘things I love about men’ from Day 2 in someone, write his name down. You can have more than one name for each day, but put down at least one. Do this for one full week. Notice what happens.

Tips

I’m going to give you some good solid tips for this one so you don’t freak out.

1. Manage yourself: You don’t have to marry this guy!

Or even like him, really. You’re just looking for what making him MAN and GOOD at the same time. We’re just warming you up here. Unless...you want otherwise.

2. Probe: Look deeply.

How is he at least one of the things you love about men. Notice where his honour lies. How he might be determined. Or where he shows a great ability to focus. Take it up a level: For every one criticism you find in the person, find 2 more good things.

3. Love him just a little: he doesn’t need to know

Even just a tiny bit. Even just from afar. You don’t have to date him. Or even talk to him. Just love and honor that thing about him that makes him male and good...and maybe even a little bit sexy.

And that's it!! Let me know how it goes in the comments below! 

Read on if you want to know more about where the Good Guys have gone. 

How did this happen? Did an alien invasion come and scoop up all the good ones? Because you swear it was never this bad before.

Let me ask you something, does this sound familiar:

I’ve got nothing to wear.

I don’t have enough money.

There’s not enough jobs out there.

And the list rolls on…until it ends with…

There definitely are not enough good guys out there.

I used to live in a world like this.

It was full of fear.

Fear of not being enough.

Fear of never getting enough.

Fear of succeeding.

Fear of losing what I might actually get.

But as time went on, here’s what happened:

I’ve got nothing to wear. 

I’d dig deep find that cute sparkley number I’d forgotten about and look smashing in.

There’s not enough jobs.

The job I dreaded taking was the one where I made the most good long-term friendships.

There’s not enough money.

I got what I needed to cover me and then worked on getting to the next level. Consciously.

And now for the big one…

There are not enough good guys out there.

I learned more about myself, about what was really going on underneath it all and loved myself for it, I could do the same with men. And gradually my world filled with good guys...One of whom became my boyfriend. And he’s looooovely.

As the blinders of fear came down, the world was now full of options.

And I learned to control the gate of my heart so that it opened (and closed) upon my command.

In celebration of the spirit of good men (who happen to love challenges, I wish you the best of luck.

In the meantime, to get you started, list at least one stellar quality you love about men, the good ones, in the comments below. 

Let them know you love them.