How to keep long-term love fresh and desire alive

Long-term love is a wonderful thing.

And for the doubters out there, I can tell you that yes, it can and does exist. Personal and professional experience has shown me this. 

However

It does take both attention (the energy of focus) and intention (the energy of transformation)* to keep love fresh and alive over time. 

Many years ago, I learned and now teach a simple and powerful practice that helps with exactly this.

As with many of the practices I share, this one works on all layers of your being – body, heart and mind.

When you’ve been with someone for a long time, you tend to pick up and carry with you some of their ‘stuff’, the heavier stuff, as much as the ‘good’ stuff and it lands and stays in you – all of you.

So whether it’s their sadness, anger or frustration with life that leaves traces of those emotions within you

Or the unease that remains between the two you from heated arguments or confrontation resolved or unresolved

Or a kind of dullness that leaves you numbed out or bored from too much time together, too much familiarity, too much closeness

All of these things can weigh you down, dampen desire and prompt you to ask yourself

If it’s going to feel like this from now until the end of time

Whether you’ll ever feel the sparkle of turn-on that you once felt for them again

And whether the person you are with is right for you any more

My response to you is this: 

Whilst it is true that all things are cyclical in life and in love

And that even in the best of romantic, intimate relationships there are times of unease and disharmony or disenchantment and dullness

That there are things you can do to reset your energy and the energy of the relationship.

And with the reset regain

The freshness of love between you

The space for desire to ignite again

And deepen and build upon the richness that comes with long-term, committed love

This beautiful ritual of cleaning and clearing on all levels of your being – body, heart and mind – is one that I use not only with women to heal past heartbreak.

But also with those in long-term relationship that wants a refresh.

So that there’s space for new fresh love to emerge and for desire to reignite.

It is sacred. It is special. 

And you and your relationship, are worth it. 

*Thank you to Deepak Chopra @ for clarifying my understanding of the energy behind these two words.

3 ways to open up to pleasure – feel more, be more, love more

‘Shall we put a song on?’, I ask her through the ether. 

My intern and I had been heads down focused and working for a few hours, each of us separately together via Zoom as one does. 

The air was dense with concentration and focus and was beginning to feel a bit too heavy. I was dragging.

‘Unless you don’t want me to,’ I added when she didn’t reply straight away.

I was afraid that the 2 minute dance breaks between our longer work segments might make her uncomfortable. 

We’d just begun working together a few short weeks ago, after all and it must feel quite unusual for your boss to suggest you dance – at work in the middle of the day – when there was so much to do. 

‘No no, it’s good!’ She replied, prying her gaze from the computer screen. 

And so I chose a throwback from my Spotify list. And off we were, out of our chairs and groovin’ to the beat. 

Those two minutes of moving our bodies, reconnecting with our physical selves and getting out of our heads for just a few moments throughout the day are simply golden. 

It feels luscious and delicious to reconnect to the simple pleasure of being here and now, alive in the world.

When we both sat back down again to dive deep into our next work segment, we felt not only refreshed and revived

But there was space created for inspiration and joy to come back again into the work we were doing. We would continue to do our best work with greater focus.

So why is it so difficult for us to allowing pleasure into our lives when we THRIVE as a result. 

We keep ourselves from feeling full pleasure not just in our work lives, but unbelievably also in dating, love and relationships – the place where we hope to…expect to experience it most.

Resisting pleasure in sex, love and relationships shows up as: 

• The incredible guy I coached this week who holds back from initiating lovemaking in bed with his gorgeous wife...and she wonders if they should stay together

• The woman I spoke to who never revealed to her best male friend how much he means to her…and then feels her heart break when he tells her that he’s begun a relationship with someone else

• And me, well…I find myself holding back from pleasure too. Most recently in worrying that I might be asking for too much in my relationship and push my partner away by doing so. 

When I recently shifted this dynamic with my partner with the support of an incredible couples coach, I realised that I had been inadvertently denying my partner pleasure too – the pleasure of stepping up to the meet me where I deeply desired to be met. (Yes, the best coaches out there get coached too.)

• I am now continually surprised and delighted by the joy with which my partner has shown greater affection and love for me now that we’ve stepped into a higher level of commitment together.

• The guy I coached has discovered the deeper underlying fears that keep him from stepping fully into pleasure and connecting intimately with the person that he loves the most. And is moving beyond them, knowing that there’s immense potential for pleasure with life lived at 100%.

• And whilst it is yet to be determined whether platonic love will be realised with this particular fellow, the woman that I spoke to has shifted her focus to her own pleasure, what she needs most and is now navigating her next right move from this place of centred grounded presence. 

And so I have learned that pleasure is not only conducive to creativity and joy of being, it is also an excellent indicator of what possibilities and love and intimacy might open up when we turn towards it. 

Will you?

If the answer I hear from you is a hesitant, yes but…it’s understandable.

What makes it so difficult to open up to pleasure? 

Here are 3 common reasons why we hold ourselves back from pleasure: 

We’ll lose control if we let go and experience pleasure…and that’s definitely dangerous

Opening up to pleasure requires just that, opening up. And opening ourselves to another can feel incredibly vulnerable when we’re not quite sure of what the outcome may be. Better to stay clamped down (at least by 40% like the guy I’ve written about above) so as not to wander too deep into the waters of the unknown and risk the overwhelm of not knowing what to do should things not go well. 

It can feel literally life-threatening. 

If we learned very early on in life that the unknown or unpredictable is best dealt with by shutting ourselves off from it all at least in part, then that coping mechanism in dealing with the unknown can also show up in bed however many decades later.  

Only with a very solid sense that no matter what happens when we reveal our heart’s desire, it will all be ok can we take a risk and follow our desire. This solid sense (some call it a sense of safety, some security, some sureness), often must be experienced on a bodily level as much as a mental and emotional one. 

And so working with your body and your mind to let your whole self know that it’s safe to open up, is the core skill that wants honing. 

We might get hurt or rejected if we go for the pleasure we want, it’s better to stay safe

It’s risky to reveal what you want. You might fear that it could tip the balance in an existing relationship, a balance that’s been built up over years. And cause a rupture that may not be able to be repaired. After all, once a truth is spoken it can not be taken back. And what if that truth is not accepted? Or that we are judged in our wanting? What then? The entire nature of our relationship may change leaving us…perhaps alone. 

Or it could leave you feeling ashamed or embarrassed and rejected if your sentiments aren’t returned. You might lose a friend you harbor deeper feelings for, like the woman I wrote about above. Or be left wondering if you’ll ever find someone who wants the same things as you do. 

And yet it’s by embracing and sharing our deepest truths that allows others to see and experience us for who we truly are. And fall in love with the ‘real’ us. Over and over again. 

Fully accepting ourselves for who we are and what we desire is a way of moving closer the pleasure of our fullest expression in our relationship. It enables us to feel a sense of true freedom even as we’re together with another in a committed relationship. 

We might get lost in bliss – or it’s opposite, misery – never to return again! 

What if we truly did live life in the fulness of pleasure. What hidden desires might we discover that we’ve been repressing or pushing down all of this time? How might it change how we date, or experience relationships? 

Will we still fit into the social circles that we belong to? Will we be accepted and loved for who we are and how we are? 

Would we ever get anything done at work?

And then, if we open ourselves up to feeling things fully, we will inevitably also feel more difficult emotions as well.

Feeling is feeling.  

And allowing yourself the space to experience a more full range of emotions can take some practice. Especially if you’re not used to it. 

Know that there are ways to begin feeling again that happen slowly and in right time so that you don’t shift into overwhelm and close down even further. 

Emotional resilience, some call it. And in my experience it’s a body, heart and mind practice. All of us feels. All parts of us. And so we want to learn how to work with all parts of us to open to feeling, and pleasure in healthy ways. 

It is possible to feel pleasure fully and survive it! 

I’d be thrilled to show you the way. 

If you feel called to a life and love more full of pleasure, I’d be delighted to support you to experience it more fully – in sex, love, relationships or in life (including work life). 

Write me and let’s begin a conversation about how I can help you get there. 

3 keys to making love last

Relationships, my own included, are a thing that is constantly shifting, changing and evolving. And that I learn to navigate day-by-day and year-by-year by being in it fully and with as much eyes-wide-open awareness as possible. 

I continually hone the skills and tools I’ve learned over the past decade and share with my clients in my own relationship. 

And this week what’s come into clearer focus are the 3 things that make love raw and real and intimacy sacred and sexy – over time. 

Celebrate what is

Make a conscious decision to turn toward your partner again and again. And to see in them the qualities that they have that you love. It’s a choice to recognise and remember what you love about them – and to do this over and over again over time. 

This commitment to seeing the good in one another is what makes love sacred – and helps to keep passion alive. 

Let go of what isn’t

No one person can meet all of your needs all of the time, no matter how incredible they are. Be grateful for the moments when your partner can meet you and hold you and support you as best they can. And accept what isn’t there as it likely never will be. Know that real, raw love is imperfectly human. And it’s ok to ‘grieve what isn’t’, as therapist Terry Real teaches.  

And work on the rest

Growth-based relationships where you come together to learn and evolve will serve up it’s fair share of challenge. Develop the awareness, skills and tools that will help you to move through the tough stuff together. By being with what feels most tender and vulnerable with emotional maturity and self-responsibility, you develop the safety and trust that is foundational to healthy intimate relationships.

Present-moment possibility – building the bridge to making our deepest desires a reality

It was a cool, dark late Saturday afternoon. The sun had already set and normally I would not be looking forward to charging up my computer to join a Zoom meeting. 

But it was one of my favourite mentors, who was holding a group coaching call and I didn’t want to miss the chance to spend some time in the circle she’d created – digital though it may be.

As we pinged onto the screen, one by one, Tania welcomed us with her big open smile, warm-hearted as always and ready to dive right in. 

Let’s contemplate ‘fantasy’ together. Complete this phrase: ‘What if…’ 

Write whatever comes. Go! Now! Fast and furious. 

My pen began to fly across the paper, thoughts cascading faster than I could scribe. 

Whew! Who even knew how many desires – old and new both – lived inside of me, ready to emerge with hardly a nudge. 

And yet there they were, staring back at me from the page. Clear as day. 

Over the next hour or so with Tania guiding us, and each dreamer in our group supporting the others, we gave flight to fantasy. 

And became aware of the excitement that was generated in our minds 

To the lightness we felt in our hearts 

And the buoyancy in our bodies

When we sit in the present-moment possibility of our deepest desires

We begin to create a bridge between where we are now – and the fantasy world that feels like it lives somewhere beyond us.

But actually lives inside of us. And we realise this when we allow it to burst into bloom.

How to create more love in your life

Fatefully for our chances of happiness, in the Romantic ideology, love is understood to be an enthusiasm, rather than what it really is: a skill that needs to be learnt.

-Alain de Botton

There is some kind of wisdom in this quote by philosopher Alain de Botton. 

So much of what we understand as love has been dictated to us from a young age through the filters of society and culture and what we experienced as kids in (or out of) the arms of our closest caretakers. 

And so what we learn about love and it’s expression gets transcribed into so many often indecipherable languages – from gestures of affection that feel like the opposite (pigtail tugs…ouch!) and other contradictory behaviours (ever been ghosted by someone so into you they got spooked and vanished?

Or snap at your lover with a tone of voice you’d dare not use on a stranger?).

Love can end up feeling like something quite perplexing indeed. 

We know that love in its purest form does not have to be learned, contrary to Alain’s truth.  

It’s expression, yes. 

But Love’s essence is experienced. Not learned. 

Every day is full of love

Waiting there for us 

When we remember turn towards it

Open up to it

And share it with another

Move through these questions to cultivate more love in your life :

• When have you felt love the most (amplify these in your life)

• When have you felt love the least (decrease this in your life)

• What helps you/ what do you need to know to be true to open your heart to love (considering the above answers)

I see you, gorgeous soul.

Tripping alongside me with intention that determines everything

Dancing along with determination to be love, to know it, to live it – and share it

Laughing at the beauty of the journey

When we remember it is so. 

Middle life, you're lookin' sexy – making the shift

Middle life feels messy. The first time I’ve TRULY wrapped my arms around the fact that I am, indeed, in that phase of life was about 3 days ago.

I’ll be 49 years old this year (not till June, but who’s counting!). And whilst yes, it’s just a number, there are some clear indicators that I’m ready to shift into a new phase of life.

And embrace it.

Because rituals for moving through the different seasons of life are with us no longer.

And yet they would serve us well.
As they help us to let go of the safety of where we have been – and have outgrown. 
And prepare for and leverage the opportunities of the new space we’re moving into.

In my case, the not-so-sexy-sounding MID-LIFE. 
That nebulous place where society and culture have taught us is…well…kind of boring. Just blah. 
 
Wow, was I wrong. Were WE wrong.

Marking the turn into mid-life for me is only just taking shape and form as I look for guidance from those who have walked before me and are leading the way.

And it’s looking pretty damn ssss…errrmmm….
Sexy, yes.
and 
Scary
(both get capital ’s’’s).

I’m considering taking time away from things (scary) to really think about what I want this next stage of my life to look like (sexy!).

Who have I become? 
What have I done that I’ve loved? 
And want to bring forward into this next stage in life? 
What gets left behind? Mourned? Grieved? Relieved? 
How do I want to live moving forward?
How do I want to work? 
How do I want to love?

I have the power of choice (what a privilege) on determining the answers to this.

I have the tools and skills to do it more swiftly and with greater clarity than I would otherwise.

I’ve got the support of those around me – therapists, coaches, community – to hold me through it.

Now it’s up to me to CREATE SPACE. 
And move courageously towards a new future me.

Big words. 
Small steps.

I’m ready.

Are you?

If you're entering this phase of life and would love guidance on how to navigate the waters of dating and early-stage relationships, send me a message and we'll talk about how coaching with me can support you. 

What truly determines happiness in relationships isn't whether you fight or not – it's this

‘There’s something that I want to talk to you about,’ Naz says to me via WhatsApp one evening. 

‘It feels like we’re not as connected. I feel the distance. There’s lots changing and we’ve not spoken about it,’ he continues. 

Naz is right. And in that moment, my hero. I’d felt the distance too, but instead of acknowledging it, I could feel myself retreat deeper and deeper into me. My own adaptation to intensity when things shake and tremble in intimate relationships.  

“‘What matters is not that we have ruptures [ in relationships ], but how we repair them.’”

— Jessica Fern

Relationships are not static. They undergo cycles of harmony - disharmony - and repair. And whilst I knew this to be normal, I’m human too. And am so not perfect (despite my efforts) at doing this relationship thing. 

What truly matters in determining the happiness and resilience of a relationship is not that we never disagree, or mess up in ways that cause us to lose connection

But how quickly and skilfully we can find our way back to one another. 

It’s this ability to ‘repair’ builds confidence, trust, safety, security – and satisfaction in relationships. 

And Naz knows that even if the conversation will be difficult for us, that it’s going to be a safe to have. 

And ultimately will bring us closer together. 

He knows this because we’ve learned how to be vulnerable with one another, to communicate openly and honestly, to respect and honour each other’s truths. 

Those couples who are better and faster at repair work makes the for happiest couples. And being ‘better’ means regularly ‘filling your emotional bank account’ by cherishing your partner and being kind to them according to the Gottman Institute Research

We’re both willing to admit responsibility, learn from what went wrong and approach each other with humility and openness. 

We value repair more than being right or proving the other wrong.
We value connection more than the problem itself. 

Our repairs aren’t perfect. There’re messy and sloppy and tear-filled. 

But they don’t have to be perfect. 

They just have to be genuine. 

And our attitude towards one another, and intention when we come together to work it through is full of presence and consideration and love. 

Even if what we hear may hurt. 

If you’re interested in learning more about how you learned to love, then I recommend the following sources :  

The Attachment Project

An online resource with a few workbooks to get you moving forward

Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy

My current favourite book on attachment (it is excellent for monogamous people and also includes great guidance for polyamourous folks)

And whilst information is great, active practice through coaching support is incredibly powerful (if I do say so myself). If you’d like my insights, time and focus on you and your unique experiences of love, then write to me here and I’ll share with you how we can work together through one-to-one coaching. 

The 4 Attachment styles: Discover yours – and change it

“What do you mean I’m avoidant…I’d do ANYTHING…for a relationship right now. 

Avoiding one is the last thing I’m doing, it’s just that…”

And herein would begin the looooooong list of reasons why it was so hard to find love, the right kind of love. 
From…There just aren’t that many single guys my age out there anymore. 

To a list of expectations that a potential partner have x, y and z all in place when he first appears in front of me, otherwise I’m not going to waste my time on another dead-end date. 
The actual reasons why I was single for so many years sat much deeper within me. And learning about my main attachment style (avoidant) was like a wake-up call to it. 

Turns out that it all wasn’t so black and white, however. 
Because the minute someone ticked a good number of my boxes and showed a possible interest in me, this love ‘avoidant’ shifted swiftly over into the ‘anxious attacher’ mode. 
I’d begin to ask myself an incessant stream of questions like: 

Would he call again? Would there be a second date? What if he moved back to…what if I moved back to…what if it worked out…what if it didn’t.

Sound familiar? 

Turns out many of us exhibit a mash-up of styles when it comes to attachment and love. 

In this post, I’ll cover some of the main characteristics of the four different attachment styles. And how your style might show up in how you date and experience love. 

The 4 attachment styles

Avoidant attachers

• Appear independent, confident, and self-sufficient and avoid strong displays of closeness and intimacy.

• Will let you be around them, but will not let you in as they have difficulty sharing intimate details of their lives.

• As soon as things get serious they tend to close themselves off and start drifting off and distancing themselves or

• Begin to find faults with their partner or get annoyed by them. 

• They believe that they do not need emotional intimacy in their lives.

Anxious attachers

• Harbor strong fears of rejection or abandonment, have low self-esteem and need reassurance that they are loved, worthy, and good enough.

• Appear clingy, desperate, preoccupied as relationships might be both ‘life-saving’ and ‘life-threatening’ and can feels like you are on an emotional roller-coaster ride all the time

• The presence of a romantic partner appears to be a remedy for strong emotional needs

• Blinded by potential partners and put them on a pedestal choosing not to see what’s really there, have difficulty discerning and go on too many dates when writing is on the wall.

• Intensely jealous or suspicious of their partners and are insecure and anxious about their own worth in a relationship.

Disorganised attachers

• People who have been physically, verbally, or sexually abused in their childhood struggle to trust others and develops when the child’s caregivers – the only source of safety – become a source of fear.

• Moves between and lives aspects of both avoidant and anxious styles

• Desires love and acceptance but at the same time holds a deep fear that those closest to them will hurt them

• Believes that rejection, disappointment, and hurt in relationships are expected and inevitable – it’s just a matter of when

• Holds a negative view of themselves, others and the world around them 

Secure attachers

• Stays around long enough to understand whether the person is right for them or not by regulating emotions and feelings and holds an inherent optimism and positivity.

• Knows when to call it quits if the other person doesn’t rise to meet them e.g. asks the avoidant to make more time and share more; asks the anxious attacher to self-hold around fear of being left or unloved. 

• Knows how to connect and communicate clearly and open up and share feelings vulnerably when things feel off. Comfortable with closeness and mutual support and dependency. And also time alone for personal exploration.

• Knows what they are about in life, their impact and the purpose they want to fulfill outside of the relationship whilst also recognizing the value and importance of intimate connection and healthy relationships. 

• Strong capacity to reflect on how they are being in a relationship and make shifts and changes to strengthen love and inspire desire. 

Go deeper

Questions for contemplation: 

• Which of these four attachment styles feel most congruent with your experience of dating and love?

• Can you recognise the attachment style of those you have dated or had a relationship with? 

• How might being aware of attachment styles begin to shift how you date, love or relate to others? 
  

Work with me

Work with me one-to-one or check out my group coaching programme Roadmap to Relationships where you learn powerful tools and practices to move into a more secure way of relating.

It still does feel a bit ironic that I had a predominantly ‘avoidant’ attachment style when love was the thing that I wanted most in my life. 

The good news is, I changed it. Found love. And am still in it. And so can you. 

Further reading:

If you want to read and learn more on Attachment Theory then I recommend these excellent resources which informed this post:

The Attachment Project

Polysecure by Jessica Fern

Can you really 'have it all' in love?

“I disagree with those who say ‘you can really have it all’ when it comes to relationships,” she said.

“There’ll always be a catch,” insisted another woman in our circle.

And then left unspoken but loud as a bell, “So is what I want even worth trying for if it’s impossible to have?”

My answer:

YES there will always be ‘challenge’ in relationships.

YES there will always be ‘a catch’…or two…three, but at least one big one.

And HELL YES healthy intimate relationships are still worth it – BECAUSE OF, not despite of all of that

You see, what often challenges us in relationships is stuff within us that wants to be seen and healed. 

Stuff that only comes forward when we're dating or in an intimate relationship. 

And so love, or even the promise of love, offers us a unique opportunity to see what wants to be seen. And to learn and grow from it so that we ultimately become more of who we truly are. 

Love demands we turn towards the tough stuff and get real with it.

When you do, you often get to know parts of yourself that you've not seen before. 

And practice important stuff like defining and keeping boundaries, asking for what you want and receiving what you need, learning to be more vulnerable with another and creating the safety and space for them to do the same. 

And if you work with the challenges, the catch skilfully, with great awareness, and sometimes with external support (yep, from coaches like me) you’ll end up feeling more fully YOU, more whole and complete. 

THIS I believe, is where ‘wholeness’ in relationships comes from.

It's less (if at all) about the other person ‘completing you’, and much more about the other person helping you to see and become more of who you truly are as you are with the things surface between you.

And this sense of true wholeness can not be taken away, no matter what happens in love.

You are always 100% you. <3

PS. If you’re thinking to yourself, ‘Sounds great but what exactly do I do when I feel ‘the challenge’ in dating and relationships’, the answer is to develop the self-awareness, practical skills and tools necessary to navigate ‘the catch’’ when it shows up.

And I’m here to help with this.

Whether you are single and dating or in a long-term relationship, one-to-one coaching with me is a way for you to gain all of the wisdom and guidance you'll need to find, keep and thrive in the kind of love you want.

Message me and let’s talk about getting you the love you want.

3 simple ways to experience more healthy blissful pleasure daily

I invite you to give yourself radical permission to experience more pleasure – in both big and small ways – daily. 

This is so that you live and love to your fullest – dating feels easier, relationships and connection flow more, and you’ll experience a greater sense of wholeness, nourishment and satisfaction. 

Often we are resistant to pleasure. It can feel unfamiliar to allow ourselves to fully go there.

Or like an indulgence that, if experienced too much, might somehow be unsafe or dangerous. 

These narratives of course, are counter to the numerous studies that have proven how pleasure is immeasurably good for our bodies, hearts and minds.

So to get you started, here are a few small ways to get on the path to pleasure:

Surround yourself with small pleasure-providing ‘objects’

And pick them up throughout the day

Gather items that engage your sense of touch in a beautiful way and place them around the rooms of your home. When you pass them by, take a minute to stroke your forearms or your face with a texture that feels good.

Simple objects that work great for this: 

Feathers: Keep some feathers (peacock / ostrich / a feather boa) in a vase on your desk

Silks (faux or otherwise) : and satin-like scarves

Furs (faux or otherwise) : a soft fluffy rug to run your feet through as you sit at your desk during the day is an easy way to get a hit of pleasure

2 minute sunrise / sunset touch to connect with your body 

Build your heart / womb connection and experience the nourishing pleasure of wholeness

Open and close your day with 2 minutes of connected conscious touch. Set snooze on your alarm for 2 minutes in the morning and a timer in the evening before you drop off to sleep. 

Use these 90 seconds to connect with your body gently in the following way: 

A simple gesture of erotic love to self is to place one hand on your heart and the other at your sex centre at the level of your womb. 

Send the love from your heart down through your body to your womb. 

Pick up nourishing soft womb energy and send this energy mixed with the love from your heart right back up your body completing a love circle. 

Set a pomodoro ‘pleasure timer’  and dance, dance, dance

And take lots of mini-breaks to move your body throughout the day

When I co-work with other women via Zoom, we use the pomodoro method to keep a rhythm with work that ensures we focus and also get breaks. On those 5 minute breaks, we put on some music and move our bodies in whatever way feels good. 

Movement is key to keeping energy flowing throughout your body. 

And dance brings joy…and yes, pleasure. 

I would argue that the future of work is to do what feels most exciting, joyful and blissful in our bodies, hearts and minds. 

Love has already worked this out.

If you struggle to find love, or are in a relationship and could use some support with experiencing more pleasure in it, send me a message. I can help.

6 ways to feel more feminine – connect with the Queen within

When we play in the space of the feminine with the purpose of amplifying more of her within us, it can be extremely helpful to tap into the different ways that she shows up in the world and move from those set points or archetypes.

You can think of an archetype as a description or typology of the feminine as it manifests or is expressed in the world. Simply put, archetypes represent the many ways that feminine energy shows up in the world. 

In the 6 archetypes expressed below*, you may recognise aspects of yourself that you express easily. 

And others that feel foreign or ‘just not you’. I challenge you to play in the space of each of these and expand into your potential to uniquely express each.  

In actual fact, all of the ways of ‘woman’ already exist within you. It’s just that some aspects are expressed and realised more fully than others. 

Now is your chance to expand into more of you and the feminine aspect you hold within. 

Queen of Love – The Romantic

She is sensual and soft and moves through the cycles of life with easy pleasure. She has deep passion and easy beauty that comes from the inside out. She’s a dreamer and a creative visioner of what could be. 

She is pure love, warmth, innocence and has a heart that’s full and ready to give. She receives gestures of love of all forms with grace and goodness. 

She captivates and draws love in through her sweet effervescence. 

Queen of Power – The Huntress

She is at once fiercely independent, a natural leader in life and an incredible partner in love. 

She is not afraid to take risks and is naturally confident in decision making. 

She knows who and what she is, holds clear boundaries and commands respect from those around her. Her heart is generous and she holds a natural balance between mind, body and spirit. She moves easily in her body and is in flow with the natural movement of her world.

Queen of Seduction – The Sensualist

This woman transforms passionate play into deeper relationships and harness the power of the sacred erotic for this purpose. 

She is fully connected to joy and to pleasure as it’s experienced through the body. She is companion and confidante both in love. Luxury and abundance are hers to have and to enjoy fully. She is extroversion and mystery both and the paradox is intoxicating. He naturally attracts attention, emanates sensuality and captivates with little or no effort at all. She feels good in her body and embraces who and what she is including how she looks with generosity and gratitude. She loves who she is and this makes it easy for others to as well. 

Queen of Wisdom – The Sage

She is wise from lived experience and knowledge acquired over time. She is committed to deeper purpose, knows her values and stays connected to her truth. She holds practiced mastery in realizing her vision. She is strategic, resourceful and has perspective and objectivity. Her depth fascinates and the sense of mystery she holds is layered and intensely alluring. She cultivates community and belonging creating stability through shared connection. 

Queen of Creation – The Mother

She is nurture, protection and creation. An excellent listener, compassionate and a natural giver, she fosters lasting heart-centered relationships easily. She is grounded, stabilizing, and it feels safe and nourishing to be by her side. She knows how to take care of herself so that she can enjoy her life fully – and also be there for others as this gives her great joy. She has a gift for healing heart and soul and is loved and appreciated for this. She perseveres and can endure by grounding into herself and the natural world around her. 

Queen of Wild – The Mystic

The Queen of Wild connects easily with the natural world and the life that runs through it, grounding her in safety, deep connection with the earth and its inherent stability. She moves with the cycle of the seasons, deeply in tune with the constant of change. This rhythm is her flow. Untamed and free in her expression, she surrenders to spirit, to ecstasy and orgasmic bliss. The cosmos too moves within her. She never questions herself and welcomes the magic and mystery of the unknown with open arms. This deep connection with all that is gives her a sense of inner peace and calm even as she surrenders wholly to the unpredictable wildness of life and existence.

*Informed and inspired by the work of Ayesha K. Faines and Layla Martin.

Love abroad: 6 ways to date internationally whether you are home or away

I’ve been asked by quite a few people lately, how they can date outside – faaarrr outside – of their geo. 

The reasons the people I talked to wanted to look across borders for love included: 

• Desire for a lifestyle that is more international in nature

• And that includes not just travel abroad but the possibility of living in a foreign country

• They find the dating pool where they live too small and limited
  

As a woman who has spent almost half of her life living abroad (and the other half dreaming of it), I got super excited when writing this post. 

Below are 6 ways that you can begin to build a bridge from here to there. And perhaps find love along the way. 

Start close to home…

Attend ex-pat parties

A (now-married) couple that I know met in Florida at a European ex-pat gathering and now live in Italy together (after experiencing Paris and London). Ok, so they might actually move back to Florida after all of that, but the point is, they met ‘at home.’ 

I did this tons in my college years because I went to school in the middle of nowhere in Massachusetts (the scent of cow dung often filled the air) and had already at that tender age developed an insatiable desire for ‘otherness’ that ironically felt like home. 

Hint: Yes, you can go to expat activities even if you’re not an expat. The couple I mentioned were both Americans born and raised in the US, though now they both hold two passports each. 

Do a language exchange

I’ve done this one – in Japan and Italy both. Get back on Meetups.com and search for a language exchange Meetup near you. It’s way better than Duolingo and you’re hitting two birds with one stone. How I love efficiency.

Dating apps – set your location to the place of your choice

Set up some dates for yourself in the country you’re targeting before your next trip there. A friend of mine has road tested this (no pun), and had a great time securing some dates on an exploratory trip to Paris before she moved there for good. She discovered that French guys dig her style, and that the city suits her as well. 

And you can always get on the apps when you are en situ to see who’s around. 

Get on the road…

Live the lifestyle – Join a community of digital nomads

Get out there. Go to the place that you dream of. And do it with others who share your spirit of adventure – and your work/lifestyle ethic. Join an organisation like Live Beyond – ‘We provide a physical and social environment for remote co-working, co-living and traveling, designed to enhance productivity, well-being and personal growth through experiential learning and behavioral change.’ And immerse yourself with like-minded, like-hearted others.

Get active on holiday – Join the crowd

Running groups, the local tennis leagues, hiking clubs, the opportunities to let the endorphins loose and fuel the flames of desire whilst on holiday abroad abound. Hook up with your group of choice on Meetup, FB, Insta, or ask your AirBnB host or hotel if they know of any they’d recommend you check out. 

Volunteer – Support the local community and meet other kind humans

I poached this idea from a friend of mine who is a phenomenal woman in many ways. One of which is that she seeks out volunteer activities in the new communities she embeds herself in as a way to give back and to get to know the local culture and people up front and personal from the inside out.  

Now that you’re in the groove, there are a few things to look out for when dating in foreign lands. And ways to get the most out of the experience. More on that in the next post. 

In the meantime, enjoy the adventure, ma cherie. 

5 ways to be single on Valentine’s that actually feel good

Valentines, like other big holidays – New Years especially – was especially tough on me when I was single. Same for you, ? 

I’m also someone who struggles with SAD (seasonal affective disorder), and so it would feel like a double whammy to get a day that celebrated love that just wasn’t happening mashed right into the middle of the deepest darkest coldest days of winter in the northern hemisphere.

Here are a few ways that helped me counter the effects of long-term solitude. And that didn’t involve internet dating, speed dating, blind dates, or dates at all.

5 ways to play on Valentine’s weekend:

Do what you love – and move that body

Plan an activity (hiking, snowshoeing, rock climbing) or a sports match (I’ve got tennis booked in) with someone you are evenly matched with. Smash it out on the court or field. Walk to your heart’s content – move. And enjoy the pure joy of being in your body.

Meet your erotic edge

Learn something new like pole dancing, a strip tease class, burlesque, belly dancing. The playground to safely explore expression is much more accessible and available than it ever has been. Take advantage and step in.

Community, community, community

I can’t say it enough. Surround yourself with either close friends who have positive vibes or with an extended network of people that feel fun to hang with. I know it’s not the same as the company that’s kept with an intimate other, but it sure as hell is helpful in feeling more human. Connection is key.

Indulge your 5 senses

Yes, a beauuuuutiful warm soothing Ayurvedic massage, your fav Spotify list of gentle melodious hang drum beats, a box of your favourite champagne truffles, a colourful bouquet of blooms that you know one day will be gifted to you – for now gift yourself. Move through all 5 of those gorgeous senses of yours. 

Take yourself on a date and love yourself down

No time like the present in making way for the future. Got a play you’ve been wanting to see for ages (tickets for 1 are easier to find)? Or an obscure museum you’ve been meaning to visit? Then mosey on over to a lovely little cafe with some scrumptious looking cakes you’ve been wanting to try forever. The focus is on you here, but there’s no rule against making eyes with your fellow caffeine consumers. Just for fun. 

The point in all of this: we’re lifting you all up so you feel good body, heart, mind, soul just as you would were you to already have what you want. Know it’s coming. And in the meantime, live life as if it’s already here – full and lush. 

 PS. Roadmap to Relationships is a group coaching course that’s there to help you take the first step and then the next, towards love.

PPS. If group coaching isn’t for you but you still want help when it comes to relationships and intimacy, get in touch and learn how private coaching can help you create healthy, nourishing long-term love that lasts. 

Modern Love = Closeness + Distance. How to manage the paradox of intimacy

Most of us know by now that the desire for safety and security in a long-term relationship is counterbalanced with the desire for adventure and excitement. 

Too much safety and we feel bored. 

Too much excitement and we feel destabilised. 

To help you manage the paradox, I break it down and share the components of cultivating each end of the stick.

Cultivating closeness

Closeness in love feels ‘like home’ / security / safety / steadiness / support

• Presence

• Connection

• Communication

Presence

How much of you is ‘in the room’ with the other person. Is your body there but your mind somewhere else? Is your heart in it, but you never have time to actually be with the other? 

Presence shows up on the physical, emotional and mental levels. When you are with your partner, be intentional about being there fully so you actually feel together. 

Connection

Connection, like presence, happens most when you can be with yourself as much as you can be with the other. If you are connected to your own heart, for example, then it’s possible to connect to the heart of another.

Connection can happen in simple ways that take just a moment, like intentional touch and meeting another’s gaze, holding one another and synchronising your breathing, or through shared activities like dancing together. 

Communication

Communication that is open, honest and raw in its truthfulness is key. And it’s one of the most difficult things to do in intimate relationships when we feel there is so much at stake. What makes open communication possible is cultivating  the ability to recognize when you get triggered, understand why it’s happening, hold yourself through it or take time out, and respond from a place of steadiness.

It sounds simple and is one of the most challenging things for most people, so if you struggle with it then get in touch and we’ll talk about how to work through it. 

Cultivating distance

Distance in love supports eros, desire, passion, adventure / challenge

• Autonomy and purpose

• Community (yep, community is sexy!)

• Newness

Autonomy and purpose

There is nothing more attractive than when a person stands in their own power and knows their purpose – or is on their way to determining it. When we see our potential partner standing forward, aligned and centered in their core, clear on what they stand for even if they aren’t quite sure of which way to go with it, then we both admire and desire them.  

Community

We are complex beings, us humans. And as strong and powerful as we are, we are not here to do this thing called life alone. Yes, it is important that your intimate partner is there for you. It’s also important that you have a reliable network of close friends and / or family to reach out to. And in addition, a looser community or group of people that you come to to share in activities, interests, business building, etc. 

When you have a wide base of support around you, you feel more space and freedom to love the person you are closest to. And they feel able and capable of being there for you. And when they can’t (because we’re human), you have a net to fall into. 

Newness

Stay curious. About life. About love. About the other person. If you approach life with curiosity, inquisitiveness and a desire to learn, explore and understand more, then living this with your partner becomes part of the growth and expansion that is available for you to experience both individually and together. Get out there. Try new things. Do them together. Do them separately then come together and share your experience. It’s part of our nature as humans to grow and evolve. Make this not only part of who you are but part of your relationship too.

Explore. And don’t stop. 

Ester Perel’s work has illuminated this understanding beautifully. And is in part the inspiration for this post.

You don't have to lose your independence (or power) to be in a relationship

One of the biggest fears that I hear from strong, independent women is that they’ll have to give up their independence if they are in a relationship.

They say this with such a fierce determination and defensiveness that I can’t help but feel beneath their words.

I feel fear that with that loss of independence, they’ll also lose their power.

I’m writing this post at the time of the harvest moon. The Autumn Equinox.

There’s a bit of a chill to the air and a sparkling sunshine that warms my face and softens that edge just a little. What perfect balance.

Balance is what yesterday’s Equinox, which marked the shift from one season to the next, is all about.

And balance in relationships, and the power balance in particular is what I’ve been exploring in Jade Bliss and with my private coaching clients.

How can we feel power ‘with’ a potential partner. And what does that look like exactly?

As a woman who’s empowered and independent, what does inter-dependence look like when she’s no longer single?

• What does power feel like?

• How might our sense of it shift when we’re in an intimate relationship?

• What space wants to be created in body, heart and mind to allow for the WITH without losing any of the I or me

We’ve been brought up on power OVER

• Countless generations of women who’ve had to submit / give up / sacrifice for marriage and partnership

• Patriarchy outside of the home, which in so many forms which serves no one well – men included

• Competition from a young age at school and having survival of the fittest instilled in our beings

I’ll admit it, it’s taken my body a minute this week to adjust to longer nights as the sun rises later in the day. 

The harvest moon, full bright and powerful this month made me extra jittery and disrupted my normally solid sleep pattern. 

Balancing is taking a minute when it comes to understanding power as a woman in an intimate relationship.

And so might it with you. 

Perhaps get pencil to paper

And then set body to movement

As you ponder the question :

'How does 'power with' feel in you: body heart soul energy?'

It’s a new season for humankind.

Here is one more turning of the dial.

How will you live it? In love as in life?

So that you can have independence and feel empowered within relationship.

Whilst benefitting from the potential for growth in a healthy, intimate relationship as you experience steady support in becoming even more powerful than you were on your own.

We’re not here to do it alone.

And whilst togetherness does not have to come through intimate relationships, it is a beautiful and life-changing thing when it does.

How the stories you tell yourself keep you from love – and how to change that

It hit me like a cold, hard slap in the face. 

‘Is that the story you’re telling yourself?, she asked me.’

What the f*ck did she mean, ‘the story.’

I had recounted the cold, hard, facts truthfully to my coach…facts which stung, btw.

Facts like: 

> I had been on date after date after date. Well over 100. 

> I had liked …ok not that many… but actually enough of those men I’d have happily gone on 2nd dates with to see where it might lead. 

> And none of these dates had gone anywhere. 

Based on the facts

The evidence so painfully and clearly written before me

Year after year

Failed date after failed date

I had come to the conclusion that 

• I’m just not that good with men

• I’m just not attractive in that way

• And anyway, I’m better on my own

I do good as ‘me’, single, independent, balanced, happy. 

The end. 

That was my story. 

And it’s the same story that I hear from clients over and over again. 

Except that I couldn’t accept the ending of the story – and neither do the people I work with.  

The ending being

Living our lives.

Alone. 

Forever. 

The truth is, until we learn how to shift our stories

Learn how to look at the past differently

And tell a new story about it

Based on new truths

Things simply do not change. 

So that there’s more possible endings…and beginnings

Things don’t change. 

‘So tell me what else is true,’ my coach asked. 

Errrmmmm well … I was hesitant. 

The truth was, it felt more comfortable being the victim of my story than writing any other role for myself in it. 

I could feel my heels digging in. 

I felt tired. Exhausted. 

Like some sort of inner battle was waging 

But I couldn’t see clearly who was fighting. 

My story served me. 

It made me feel powerful.

It reminded me that ‘I could ‘do life’ on my own and be just fine.’

But was telling this same story over and over again, helping me now? 

HELL no.

So I began to re-write the story, however reluctantly. 

‘I had a pretty good time on that date and I thought it went well but I’ve not heard back from him and he didn’t reply to my text so….maybe…

> He really liked me and kind of freaked out

> He went on the date even though he’s not really ready for a relationship

> He’s got something going on I can’t see, but I’m going to trust this is for the better

> Maybe, just maybe, it’s about him and not about me. 

The old story would have sounded like: 

> I’m just not that attractive to men. 

> I should have been more __________ (fill in blanks). 

> Maybe I was too ____________(fill in blanks). 

> Why is it easier for __________(fill in various names of other women who seemed good at this)

Now don’t get me wrong, I still knew that I’d have to change or shift things within me if I wanted to see different results in love and life. 

After all, I was the common denominator, the main character in this lifetime of stories. 

And I knew that I had to do things differently. 

But the changes I needed to make looked different than I’d imagined. 

Starting with this thing about storytelling. 

So I began to write new stories for myself

Beginning with small edits to the script (because changing the whole damn story all at once didn’t feel good to me). 

As I edited my story over and over again, new possibilities emerged. 

Possibilities like: 

> Maybe it’s not all about me, maybe it’s about them too

> I hold a unique flavour of beauty, and I’m attractive in my own way (once I owned this one from the inside out, it became my new normal – I turned heads and knew I was alluring)

> It’s great to know that I’m ace at being single and can ‘do this’ on my own, so it’s ok to take a risk and open myself up more. I can always go back to being single if it doesn’t work out. 

Now, after years of focus on self-development and through professional study, I know that the way that I was telling my story and how I felt about it are a normal part of human functioning.

And though normal, not one that we have to submit to once we are aware of what is going on. 

So if you feel stuck when it comes to relationships and love, begin to ask yourself the following questions

To detect whether you are telling yourself a story

To see if there might be an opportunity for you to ‘change the script’

And actively create possibilities for a new ending

• What story do you find yourself telling over and over again about love, relationships and sex? Do you sound like a broken record? If yes, welcome to your story.

• What do you insist on as true?

• Which truths serve and empower you?

• Which ones feel limiting and debilitating?

• What would you say to the part of you that holds on to fear? To the part of you that wants to dream?

• What becomes possible when you begin to look at things differently?

• What opportunities open up?

New stories will, at the very least, break a pattern of thought that has long held you back. 

They will pave the way for and open you up to new possibilities. 

So that you might actually get the ending to the story that you want. 

Let me help you become aware of the stories you’re telling yourself and support you in the process of writing new ones in a way that feels grounded, realistic and true to you. 

Sign up for a 15 minute chat with me and we’ll talk about how.

And if you want to learn about why / how our brains craft and interpret stories, here’s the neuroscience on it.

If you feel out of practice in the bedroom, here’s how to boost your confidence

If you’re feeling out of practice when it comes to the art of intimacy, know that you are not alone. 

I work with many women and men both who have spent much of their adult lives single, and / or have had long stretches of voluntary abstinence from sex. These gorgeous, sexy people often feel that they don't have enough experience to ‘perform’ in a way that they felt their potential mate might expect from someone their age.

If this was not the case for you before the pandemic, it may be so now post 18 months more or less of restrictions from intimate connection due to Covid. I was recently asked by the Metro to comment on this.

So here are some ways that you can feel more confident in the bedroom whether you’ve had loads of experience (and now feel ‘out of shape’) or none at all. 

Experience doesn't really matter

How two people are intimate with each other is unique and the way your needs, wants and desires are met translates into a unique intimate experience. 

Considering this, you will never recreate the same experience you’ve had with one person, with someone else. 

What's important is for you and your partner to build your own relationship of trust and intimacy based on your mutual connection.

How you love is what makes you unique

Expression of love and intimacy is a beautiful thing and the qualities that make you unique - maybe even the things that you see as weaknesses - are what draw people to you. Give space to the evolving trust and recognise the strength that lies in your own qualities.

Allow for the unknown

It's normal to be fearful of what might - or might not happen. But you should also allow for and embrace the unknown because that's the space where excitement and anticipation and desire flourish.

Let the cat out of the bag

If you feel awkward or hesitant about being intimate with someone again after a long time, it can actually bring you closer if you share what you are feeling. It’s highly likely that the other person shares your sentiment. Or is experiencing some hesitation and uncertainty. 

If you are courageous enough to name your experience, even if it feels vulnerable and scary, then know that this often builds trust, safety and connection. Key elements to having better sex. Especially if what you want is an experience that is connected and pleasure-filled. 

Rediscover your own intimacy

It's important that you connect and reconnect intimately with your own body to understand what you need or want, and the physical responses that such intimacy triggers. 

This helps to encourage confidence and makes the invitation to someone to share that space with you much easier

Take all the time you need

Most people who have not had an intimate relationship for some time lack confidence. It's okay to take things slowly. Begin with simple touches and gestures that allow you to learn about each other's responses and don't create pressure to 'perform'.

Remember, you're not alone

If you would like support in building confidence in the bedroom and / or would like to expand your experience of pleasure, do get in touch and book in a discovery call. I support men and women both in this in both one-to-one coaching as well as through powerful group work.

You are not alone.

All about lube Part 2 - What is the right kind to use when

If you’re anything like me, you are super careful about what you put into or onto your body.

I prefer natural, organic, chemical-free products because yes, my body is a temple.

And so, whilst I prefer to use natural oils like coconut as lube, it’s not the best choice for everyone.

Choose your lube carefully depending on whether you’re going for a sexy experience with a toy or condoms, and how your body reacts to whatever you put on it or in it.

Here’s what medical herbalist and natural intimate lubricant creator Kathie Bishop has to say about which lube to choose.

Do I need a different type of lube if I'm using a toy versus sex with a condom versus no protection with a trusted partner?

In general, the answer is yes. There are four main types of lubricant available and they each have their own features:

Water

Good for use in virtually all situations, water based lubricants are safe for use even with condoms and toys and generally won’t stain the sheets… Might not be long lasting enough though for anal play (the anus doesn’t have a mucosal lining, and therefore doesn’t produce any of its own lubrication so always needs generous lubricant application).

Silicone

Also long lasting and often hypoallergenic, this can be more suitable for water based play and anal sex. Definitely not suitable for use with toys!

Hybrid

These lubes are water based with a small amount of silicone, making a creamy texture, which combines the best aspects of both types, long lasting lubrication and versatility. Some maybe suitable for use with toys but always to do a patch test first!!!

Oil

Very long lasting, great for low reapplication rate, an oil based lube can be great for massage too – just not for condom use! It can also play havoc with the vaginal pH.

What kind of lube is right for me + how can I decide?  

There are a few factors that you might want to consider when choosing your lube such as what you want to use it for, where and with whom/what. And don’t forget, you can buy more than one for use in different situations!

Do you have any sensitivities?

Many women know if they have any vaginal sensitivities or irritation, but some women only realise when they have a reaction to a product. If you do have these kinds of sensitivities, look for lubes that avoid glycerine or promises such as warming, flavour or tingling etc. Instead look for a lube that promises to be pH balanced to intimate pH of between 3.8 – 4.5, and has an osmolarity of less than 380mOsm/kg – meaning that it will not dry out vaginal tissues.

You may also want to avoid lubes with any of these ‘nasties’ as ingredients.

Is natural important to you?

Vaginal mucosa is some of the most absorbent tissue of the body – meaning that a high percentage of what goes on it, gets into the bloodstream. You should be totally fine with whatever lube you use to get into your mouth too! With this in mind, are natural, non-toxic ingredients important to you? Check the full ingredients list. Some products call themselves natural, and do have some natural ingredients in, but just not their full list. Know what you’re putting in your body using the info here.

Do you use any barrier method contraception?

In this case you should be using a water or silicon based lube.

Are you trying to conceive?

Then make sure you use a lube that is pro-conception – the pH of sperm is much higher (at around pH6) and a pro-conception lube will have matching pH. It is worth bearing in mind that these lubes may irritate your vagina because of these pH issues.

Are you going to go anal?

A silicone or thick water based lube may be better here. Silicone lasts longer than a water based one, and oil wouldn’t be suitable here due to the use of condoms (a barrier method is a good idea here to prevent the transmission of any potential HIV).

Are you using a toy?

Then make sure you use a water based, not a silicone based lube, as silicone based ones could depredate the surface of a toy, especially if its made from silicone – if in doubt, go with a water based one.

As you can see, there’s a lot more to gain from using the right lube and lots of experimentation and fun to be had! Introduce lube into your intimate encounters as you would any other idea, with confidence. And enjoy!!

Kathie Bishop MNIMH is a medical herbalist and the founder of Into the Wylde, an award winning natural intimate lubricant brand that is registered with the Vegan Society and The Soil Association.

She also runs the clinic The Wylde Herbalist, where she helps women transform their vaginal health. She firmly believes that lube is for every women, not just around and beyond menopause, and that everything is better with right one. 

Photo by Jeremy Bishop on Unsplash

How to talk about sex in a new relationship

This post has been made into a very sexy and much more complete and pleasurable to read eBook which you can download here.

If this deep truth has kept you awake at 2am, you are so not alone:

You're terrified that one honest conversation about sex will send them running.

So you wait. You hint. You hope they'll somehow read your mind through the darkness of your bedroom. That they'll magically know exactly what you need, how you like to be touched, where your boundaries live.

But here's what actually happens:

You have mediocre sex. You fake enthusiasm. You lie there wondering if this is as good as it gets. The gap between what you want and what you're experiencing grows wider with every encounter, until one day you realize you've built an entire intimate relationship on assumptions and silence.

I need to debunk this disempowering myth because it’s ruining too many people’s sex lives: The belief that a “good” partner should "just know" what you need is false. It’s not true. No one is a mind reader. It's a myth that's stealing your pleasure and your connection.

Research consistently shows that couples who communicate openly about sex report higher satisfaction, deeper intimacy, and more fulfilling sexual experiences. 

Yet most of us would rather have awkward sex than an awkward conversation about sex boundaries around sex and also our deepest desires.

Let's change that.

Why Is It So Hard to Talk About Sex?

Talking about sex feels vulnerable because we've been taught that sex is shameful, private, or something that should "just happen naturally." But the reality is that healthy and effective communication in relationships—especially about intimacy—is a learned skill, not an innate ability.

Many people struggle with talking about sex because of:

• Cultural conditioning: Society teaches us that discussing sex openly is taboo

• Fear of judgment: We worry our desires will be seen as "too much" or "not enough"

• Lack of vocabulary: We literally don't have the words to express what we want

• Past experiences: Previous partners may have shut down these conversations

• Shame: Deep-seated beliefs about our bodies or desires hold us back

The good news? Sexual communication skills can be developed. With practice (and sometimes support from intimacy coaching or sex therapy), these conversations become easier and more natural.

The Real Cost of Silence

Every body tells a different story. What sent your last partner over the edge might do absolutely nothing for this one. That thing you've always secretly wanted to try? They might be craving it too, but you'll never know if you don't speak up.

When you skip the conversation and go straight to the bedroom, you're not being spontaneous. You're gambling with your intimate connection.

You're setting yourself up for:

• Mismatched expectations about what sex means in your relationship

• Unspoken resentments that calcify over time 

• Performance anxiety that shows up uninvited 

• Intimacy avoidance that leads to a slow fade from passion to routine 

• Sexual dissatisfaction that erodes relationship quality

The most generous thing you can do for your sexual connection is to use your words before you use your body. This is the foundation of consent, pleasure, and mutual respect in any intimate relationship.

Struggling to have these conversations? My coaching programmes for single women, single men and for couples helps you build confidence in sexual communication and intimacy.

When Is the Right Time to Talk About Sex?

I'm going to say something that might make you uncomfortable or feel super challenging:

Have this conversation before you're naked together for the first time.

Not during. Not after. Before.

I know. I know. You're worried you'll:

• Kill the mystery 

• Seem too forward (or worse, prudish) 

• Ruin the natural flow of things 

• Come across as damaged or complicated

But here's what I've witnessed in my years as a relationship and intimacy coach: 

The discomfort of a pre-intimacy conversation is temporary. The cost of not having it compounds over time.

Think about it this way—your bodies are about to have a very detailed conversation. Wouldn't it help if your words went first to pave the way?

Plus, if you're building something real with this person, your sexual life together will change over time. Guaranteed. Bodies shift. Desires evolve. Circumstances transform. The ability to talk about sex in relationships isn't just important right now—it's the foundation for a lifetime of sexual connection that grows instead of stagnates.

Start early. Make it normal. Watch everything improve.

How to Start a Conversation About Sex: Opening Lines That Work

Yes, it will feel awkward at first. That's not a sign you're doing it wrong. That's a sign you're doing something brave and building healthy relationship communication habits.

The key is to name the awkwardness right out of the gate:

"This feels a bit vulnerable to bring up, but I think it's important we talk about sex before we have it. Would you be open to that?"

"I know most people don't do this, and honestly I'm a little nervous about it, but I'd love to have a conversation about intimacy and sexual boundaries before things progress physically. How does that sound to you?"

"I'm really attracted to you, and I want to make sure we're on the same page before we take things further. Can we talk about what sex means to each of us?"

Notice what these openers do:

They acknowledge the vulnerability. They invite collaboration rather than demanding it. They make space for the other person to feel nervous too.

When you share what feels scary, you give the other person permission to do the same. That's where intimacy begins—not in the bedroom, but in the moments when you choose honesty over comfort.

Creating the Right Environment for Sexual Communication

Don't try to have this conversation:

• When you're already undressed or in bed 

• In between other commitments 

• When one or both of you is exhausted 

• Via text message (at least not for the first conversation) 

• In public where others might overhear

Instead, create space:

Invite them for a walk. Suggest coffee at a quiet café. Find a private moment when you both have time and energy. Let them know you want to talk about something important, so they don't feel ambushed.

You might say: "I'd love to get together sometime this week to talk about us and where things are going, especially around intimacy and sexual connection. Would Saturday afternoon work?"

The container matters. This conversation about sexual boundaries and desires deserves presence, not distraction.

What Should You Discuss Before Having Sex for the First Time?

This isn't about creating a script or covering every possible scenario. It's about establishing shared understanding in three crucial areas:

1. What Sex Means to Each of You

What sex means to someone varies dramatically from person to person. For some, sex is playful exploration. For others, it's a deeply emotional act that requires established commitment. Some see it as stress relief. Others experience it as a spiritual connection.

None of these perspectives are wrong. But they need to be spoken about and understood so that you feel that you’re on the same page – understood, seen, heard and acknowledged.

Try asking:

• "What does sexual intimacy mean to you?" 

• "How do you see sex fitting into our relationship right now?" 

• "If we sleep together, will you expect our relationship to change? If so, how?" 

• "What role does emotional connection play in your sexual experiences?"

Listen without judgment. You're gathering information for better relationship communication, not evaluating whether they're giving the "right" answers.

2. Safer Sex Practices and Sexual Health

This one is non-negotiable for sexual health and should absolutely happen outside the heat of the moment.

Essential questions to cover:

• When were you both last tested for STIs? 

• Are you willing to share test results? 

• What forms of contraception will you use? 

• What are your boundaries around safer sex practices? 

• Do you have any health conditions that might affect sexual activity?

I know this feels clinical. But you know what's even less sexy? Untreated infections or an unplanned pregnancy.

The ability to have this conversation directly correlates to sexual satisfaction and relationship trust. When you know you're physically safe, your body can relax into pleasure instead of scanning for danger. And inadvertently tensing against pleasure. 

Anyone worth sleeping with will appreciate—not resist—your commitment to both of your wellbeing. If someone gets defensive about discussing sexual health, that's valuable information about their maturity and respect for boundaries.

3. Desires, Boundaries, and Pleasure

Start light and get more specific as comfort grows. This is where intimacy coaching principles really help—you're building a shared vocabulary for pleasure.

Questions to explore:

• "I'd love to know what you typically enjoy in the bedroom. Would you feel comfortable sharing?" 

• "Are there things you definitely don't want to do?" 

• "What helps you feel most connected during sex?" 

• "Is there anything about your sexual history or preferences I should know to be a better partner to you?" 

• "How do you like to communicate during sex—verbally, through sounds, through touch?" 

• "What feels good afterwards to you?"

Remember: Sharing a desire doesn't mean you're committed to acting it out. These conversations are about creating a map, not a mandate. You're building a vocabulary together that will serve your sexual communication for years to come.

Pro tip: If you want to explore sexual boundaries more systematically, try a "Yes/No/Maybe" list together. (Google "sexual boundaries worksheet"—there are excellent free resources available that many sex therapists and intimacy coaches recommend.)

Common Sexual Communication Mistakes to Avoid

Even with the best intentions, people often stumble in these conversations. Here are mistakes to watch out for:

1. Making assumptions: Don't assume your partner wants what previous partners wanted, or that they'll communicate the same way.

2. Being vague: "I like things rough" or "I prefer romance" are too general. Get specific about what those words mean to you.

3. Not checking in regularly: Sexual communication isn't one conversation—it's ongoing dialogue as your relationship evolves.

4. Using blame language: Instead of "You never initiate," try "I'd love to feel more desired. Can we talk about initiation?"

5. Ignoring non-verbal cues: Pay attention to body language during conversations about sex. If someone seems uncomfortable, slow down.

What If Your Date or Partner Reacts Badly to Talking About Sex?

Here's the part that might sting:

If someone shuts down, ridicules, or refuses to have this conversation about sexual communication and boundaries? That's not a reflection of you. That's valuable information about them.

A partner who:

• Won't discuss sexual health 

• Makes you feel weird for wanting healthy relationship communication 

• Pushes for physical intimacy while avoiding emotional vulnerability 

• Gets defensive when you express needs or boundaries 

• Dismisses your concerns about consent or safety

...is showing you exactly who they are. Believe them.

The right person won't punish you for prioritizing safety, clarity, and mutual satisfaction. They'll meet you there. 

In fact, many people find these conversations deeply attractive because they signal maturity, self-awareness, and genuine care.

If your partner seems hesitant but willing, that's different from outright refusal. Give them space to process, share resources about talking about sex (like my guide to talking about sex or share this article), or even suggest working with a couples coach or intimacy coach together. You can do that with me here.

How to Talk About Sex When You're Already Sleeping Together

It's never too late to start practicing better sexual communication.

Maybe you're reading this and thinking, "Well, we've already slept together multiple times and I still don't know how to ask for what I want."

Start now. Today. This week.

You might say:

"I realize we've been intimate for a while now, but I don't think we've really talked about what works for each of us. I'd love to have that conversation. Would you be open to it?"

"I've been thinking about our sex life, and I want it to be as good as it can be for both of us. Can we talk about sexual communication and what that might look like?"

"I read something about how couples who talk openly about sex have better relationships in the long term. I'd love to try that with you. Can we start checking in about what feels good?"

The best time to start was before. The second-best time is now.

Building Communication on Sex as a Regular Practice

This isn't a one-and-done conversation. Communication on sex is a living practice that evolves with your relationship—something any good sex therapy or intimacy coaching program will emphasize.

Make it normal to check in:

• After sex: "How was that for you? Is there anything you'd like more or less of next time?" 

• During sex: "Does this feel good? Would you like me to keep going or try something else?" 

• In daily life: "I was thinking about trying _____ with you. How would you feel about that?" 

• Monthly: "Can we do a relationship check-in? I want to make sure we're both feeling satisfied and connected."

The more you normalize these conversations, the less charged they become. Believe me, I know. I was where you are now. Eventually, talking about sex will feel as natural as talking about what to have for dinner.

That's when the real magic starts—when you can be playful, curious, and direct about your desires without shame or fear.

What Becomes Possible With Open Communication around Sex

When you learn to talk about sex in relationships, you don't just improve your sex life.

You build:

• Trust that can hold complexity—your desires, your fears, your boundaries, your evolution 

• Psychological safety that allows your nervous system to fully relax during intimacy 

• Deeper emotional intimacy that goes beyond physical touch 

• A sexual connection that evolves and grows instead of stagnating 

• Conflict resolution skills that serve your entire relationship 

• The ability to navigate challenges together instead of in isolated silence 

• Greater sexual satisfaction and relationship fulfilment for both partners

You create a relationship where both people feel seen, heard, and desired—not despite your complexity, but because of it.

That's worth the temporary discomfort of learning to speak.

When to Seek Professional Support: Sex and Intimacy Coaching or Sex Therapy

Sexual communication is a skill, not a personality trait. If it doesn't come naturally to you yet, that doesn't mean something's wrong with you. It means you're learning.

Like any skill, it improves with practice and often with professional guidance from a trained sex and intimacy coach or sex therapist.

Consider seeking support if you're:

• Finding it difficult to voice your needs without apologizing 

• Navigating sexual shame or past trauma that affects intimacy 

• Struggling to express desires you've kept hidden for years 

• Unable to have these conversations without shutting down or feeling triggered 

• Experiencing ongoing sexual difficulties or mismatched desires 

• Repeating unhealthy patterns from previous relationships 

• Wanting to deepen intimacy but don't know where to start

Working with an intimacy coach or sex therapist isn't a sign of failure—it's an investment in your sexual wellbeing and relationship health. These professionals are trained in sexual communication, trauma-informed care, and helping individuals and couples build the capacity to speak their truth without fear or shame.

Many people find that just a few sessions can transform their ability to communicate about sex, set boundaries, and experience greater pleasure and connection.

Your Next Step Toward Better Sexual Communication

This is exactly what I help people with—building the capacity to speak your truth in intimate relationships without fear, shame, or performance anxiety.

Whether you're:

• Starting a new relationship and want to build healthy communication from the beginning

• In an established relationship looking to improve intimacy and sexual connection

• Working through past trauma or shame that affects your ability to be vulnerable

• Simply wanting to develop better relationship communication skills

You don't have to figure it out alone.

Ready for personalized support? Book a consultation. Or learn about options for my coaching programmes for single women, single men and for couples here.

Want more insights? Join my newsletter for wisdom and practical tips on relationship & intimacy

Key Takeaways: How to Talk About Sex in Relationships

1. Timing matters: Have the conversation before you're intimate for the first time

2. Create the right environment: Private, calm, with time and presence

3. Cover three essentials: What sex means, safer sex practices, desires and boundaries

4. Name the awkwardness: Acknowledging vulnerability makes it easier for both people

5. Make it ongoing: Sexual communication should be a regular practice, not one talk

6. Seek support when needed: Intimacy coaching and sex therapy can accelerate growth

The conversation that feels hardest to have is often the one that will transform everything.

You deserve a sexual connection built on clarity, consent, and genuine desire. It starts with your voice.

Related Topics in Sexual Wellbeing and Relationship Communication

• The 5 Gateways to Sensational Sex and Feeling More Alive

• How Relationship Coaching Helps Couples Rebuild Trust and Intimacy

• Personal Growth and Relationship Growth: Can They Happen Together?

• Maintaining Intimacy When Life Gets Busy: A Practical Guide

• The difference between conventional and sacred sex and why it matters to you

About the Author: Andrea Balboni is a certified relationship and intimacy coach specializing in sexual communication, trauma-informed care, and helping men, women and couples build deeper connection. With nearly decade of experience in sex therapy and intimacy coaching, Andrea supports clients in developing the confidence and skills to speak openly about desire, boundaries, and pleasure.

How to tell if a man is emotionally available

Did you know that the vast majority of people in the dating pool have an attachment style which is Avoidant?

Why is this worrisome? 

If you know anything about attachment theory which offers great insight into how we love, then you’ll know that people with the Avoidant style of attachment are not emotionally available.

In fact, these so-called ‘Avoidants’ avoid emotional closeness like the plague – hence the name. And if you want an intimate relationship where you feel deep connection with the person you are with, you might want to be aware of whether he’s up for it or not.

So how can you tell if the guy you are dating is emotionally accessible?

I decided you should hear this one from the horse’s mouth. 

Here’s one man’s view on how to tell if your guy (or date) is ready for the kind of intimate relationship that you want.

There is no hard and fast way to tell if a man is emotionally available.  

There are, however, strongly correlated behaviours to emotional accessibility.  

- Marv Weidner, emotionally available man by nature

Preparation for Intimacy

Being vs Doing

About doing - most men in the West at least, are evaluated and valued on their ability to do things, e.g. make a living, do work, fix things, building stuff, you get the idea.  

Emotional accessibility depends in part on a man’s ability to ‘be’ present, to listen, to know how they are feeling in the moment in order to be able to share it. 

These abilities are quite different than how most men are socialized to behave. It takes conscious effort to be able to ‘be present.  

Has your guy done that work?

Doing the Work

Has your guy ‘done the work?’ 

By that, has he consciously worked on himself to know who he is from the inside out? 

Has he resolved past losses and grieved them to a level of satisfaction that he can move forward.  

Successfully doing the work on himself, either through therapy, spiritual work, or other self-examination and reflection makes him more able to be fully present. And to not be compromised by his unresolved past.

What is he like when he is with you?

Does he listen?

Does he ask you follow-up questions when you have shared a story or an impression or opinion?  Or does he wait until you are finished, then shares something of himself or of his experiences as a ‘parallel’ to yours? 

It is often appropriate to share parallel stories, but if he does so without exploring what you are saying first before he shares his story, he is not providing you emotional access.

Can he listen when you speak of feelings?

Do you speak the same language when talking about feelings? Can he stay with your topic or does he need to change the subject? 

And what is his ‘love language’?  Does it include verbal affirmations? 

All love language have their own beauty and power.  My observation is that folks, men in this case, who do not include verbal affirmations are somewhat less likely to be emotionally accessible.

How does he react to a question?

How does he react when you ask him about why he thinks about things or in a certain way? Can he respond calmly? Or does he get agitated easily?

Listen to his language 

Does he use the language of feelings? Or does he mostly or largely speak about events, things, and what he thinks?  All that is okay, but unless you hear him refer to how he feels about something or someone, then that may be a ‘tell’ that he does not come from his feelings, but more from his head.

Note from Andrea: for most men, it has been neither safe nor acceptable to speak of feelings, never mind feel them! So some men might need your support here. Once they know they can express feelings with you verbally, and that you won’t think less of them, then they’ll be more apt to. And they may also lack the language of emotions, never having been asked to describe anything other than the acceptable ones such as anger. 

Open vs Honest

Honesty requires answering questions as completely and honestly as one can. Openness is something quite different.  Openness is proactively sharing what he feels about you, about life, about events and people in his life. If a couple can agree to not hold anything back, then openness will encompass honesty.

When you are intimate

Is he as interested in your pleasure as much as his own? Is he able to ask you what you would like? Is he able to tell you what he wants?

Huge thanks to Marv for sharing his wisdom. Marv had to work through a lot of avoidant women (and his own stuff) to finally land on a secure attacher.

He’s now happily – and steadily – in love.