What Really Happens in Your First Session with a Sex Coach

You’re considering reaching out to a sex coach. Maybe you've been thinking about it for months, or perhaps a recent experience pushed you to finally take action and have a consultation call. You might be feeling a mixture of relief, nervousness, and uncertainty. And if you’re like me, nameless fear as you wonder what to expect. 

What will we talk about? Will I have to share embarrassing details? What if I freeze up and can't explain what I need? Will they judge me?

These questions are completely normal. As a certified sex and intimacy coach working with individuals and couples in London and globally through online sessions, I've sat across from hundreds of people in that first session. I understand the vulnerability it takes to show up and talk about something so personal, tender and meaningful.

So let me walk you through exactly what happens in that first session—and more importantly, help you understand why taking this step is one of the most powerful things you can do for your sexual wellbeing and intimate relationships.

Understanding Sex Coaching: What It Is (And What It Isn't)

Before we dive into what your first session looks like, let's clarify what sex coaching actually involves.

As a therapeutic sex coach who is trauma-informed, I work with sensitive issues whilst holding a focus on moving you forward. 

Sex coaching builds self-awareness, self-compassion and relational intelligence whilst also taking an educational, skill-building, and empowerment-focused approach that helps you enhance your sexual wellbeing, develop new practices, and achieve specific goals around intimacy. 

That said, these approaches often overlap and complement each other beautifully. Many of my clients work with both a therapist (for past trauma or mental health) and a sex coach (for practical skill-building and intimate relationship enhancement).

Unlike a licensed sex therapist, I do not diagnose and treat medical conditions affecting sexuality.

What Does a Certified Sex Coach Actually Do?

As a certified sex coach specializing in complex relational dynamics and somatic-based approaches to intimacy, I help clients with:

• Low libido in women and men: Understanding what's blocking desire and finding pathways back to it

• Performance anxiety in men: Addressing erectile concerns, premature ejaculation, delayed ejaculation, or pressure to perform

• Mismatched libido in couples: Creating solutions when partners want different frequencies of intimacy

• Sexual confidence: Rebuilding your sense of yourself as a sexual being after life changes, trauma, or relationship challenges

• Communication about sex: Learning how to express desires, boundaries, and needs effectively

• Conscious intimate relationships: Developing deeper connection through sacred sexuality and mindful presence

• Painful sex: Exploring physical, emotional, mental and relational factors contributing to discomfort

• Sexual shame: Unraveling cultural, religious, familial or personal messages that limit your pleasure

• Intimacy after trauma: Trauma-informed approaches to reclaiming sexuality safely

The common thread? I help you understand your unique sexual landscape and develop practical skills to create the intimate life you want.

What Actually Happens in Your First Sex Coaching Session

Your first session typically lasts 75-90 minutes (sometimes longer than subsequent sessions) because we're laying important groundwork. Here's what you can expect:

Creating Safety and Confidentiality

The very first thing I do is establish the parameters of our work together—and most importantly, assure you that everything you share is completely confidential. This isn't just a nice sentiment; it's legally protected and ethically fundamental to my practice.

I want you to understand that:

• Nothing you say will shock me: I've heard it all, and my role is to create a judgment-free space

• You control what you share: You never have to disclose anything you're uncomfortable discussing

• We move at your pace: If something feels too vulnerable, we can slow down or approach it differently

• This is your session: You're in charge of what we focus on

Many clients tell me that simply feeling this safety allows them to relax in ways they haven't in years. For those who struggle with how to talk about sex in a relationship or have internalized shame around their sexuality, this non-judgmental space can be genuinely transformative.

Getting to Know You: Your Story and Context

I'll invite you to share what brought you to sex coaching. This might include:

Your current concerns: Are you experiencing low libido? Performance anxiety? Pain during sex? Feeling disconnected from your partner? Struggling with desire?

Your relationship context: Are you in a committed relationship, dating, single and wanting to prepare for future intimacy, or exploring your sexuality independently?

Relevant background: While we don't dive deep into trauma history in the first session, understanding key experiences that shape your current sexuality helps me support you appropriately. As a trauma-informed coach, I'm trained to hold space for these experiences safely.

What you've already tried: Have you read books, tried apps, talked with friends, seen a talk therapist? Understanding what hasn't worked helps us avoid repeating those paths.

Your life context: Work stress, parenting demands, health conditions, cultural or religious background—all these factors influence your sexual wellbeing and intimacy.

Here's what's important: I'm listening for patterns, not judging your story. I'm noticing what lights you up when you talk about it, where shame or anxiety appears, and what resources you already have that we can build on.

Clarifying Your Goals and Desires

This is where we shift from understanding the problem to envisioning the solution. I'll ask questions like:

• What would your ideal intimate life look like?

• If we work together for three months and you feel our sessions were successful, what will have changed?

• What would you like to feel more of? (Desire, confidence, connection, pleasure, freedom, playfulness?)

• What would you like to feel less of? (Anxiety, shame, pressure, pain, disconnection?)

For some clients, goals are very specific: "I want to be able to have penetrative sex without pain" or "I want to overcome erectile anxiety." For others, they're more expansive: "I want to feel comfortable in my body during intimacy" or "I want to reconnect with my partner erotically."

Both types of goals are valuable. We'll work together to make them specific and achievable while honoring the bigger vision you have for your sexual wellbeing.

Understanding How We'll Work Together

I'll explain my approach to sex and intimacy coaching, which includes:

Somatic-based practices: Working with your body and nervous system, not just talking about sex intellectually. This might include breathwork, embodiment exercises, or mindfulness practices.

Trauma-informed care: If you have a history of sexual trauma or adverse experiences, our work will be paced carefully to avoid re-traumatization while helping you reclaim your sexuality.

Holistic perspective: We'll look at the whole picture—physical health, emotional wellbeing, relationship dynamics, stress, lifestyle, and spiritual connection (if relevant to you).

Practical tools: You'll leave most sessions with specific exercises, practices, or experiments to try between our meetings.

Sacred sexuality principles (if this resonates with you): Viewing intimacy as a pathway to deeper consciousness, connection, and energy cultivation.

I'll also explain logistics: session frequency (typically biweekly), how we communicate between sessions, what homework looks like, and how we'll track progress.

Initial Assessment and Next Steps

By the end of the first session, we'll have a preliminary roadmap. This might include:

Immediate areas of focus: What we'll work on first 

Practices to begin: Simple exercises you can start right away 

Resources: Books, articles, or tools that might support your journey 

Potential referrals: If you need medical evaluation (for pain or erectile issues) or psychological support, I'll recommend appropriate professionals 

Session plan: How often we'll meet and what to expect over the coming weeks

What We Won't Do in the First Session

It's also helpful to know what doesn't happen:

• No graphic demonstrations: Sex coaching is talk-based and educational; there's no physical touch or sexual activity

• No pressure to disclose everything: You share what feels right; there's no requirement to detail your entire sexual history

• No empty promises: While I'll give you some initial tools for some immediate results, but know that deep change takes time—I'm not promising quick fixes

• No judgment about your choices: Whether you're monogamous, polyamorous, exploring kink, or have specific religious values, I respect your choices

Common Questions About First Sex Coaching Sessions

"Will I Have to Talk About Embarrassing Things?"

The things that feel most embarrassing to you are often exactly what need to be discussed—and they're likely not remotely embarrassing to me. Remember, this is my professional specialty. What feels shameful to you is probably something I've addressed with dozens of clients.

That said, you never have to share anything you're not ready to discuss. We can take an indirect approach to sensitive topics until you feel comfortable being more explicit.

"What If I Can't Articulate What's Wrong?"

Many clients come to me saying, "I don't know exactly what the problem is, I just know something's not right." That's completely fine. Part of my role is helping you develop language and clarity around your concerns. We'll explore finding a language for them together.

"Can My Partner Come to the First Session?"

This depends on your situation:

Couples sex coaching: If you're seeking support as a couple, yes—both partners typically attend from the beginning. We'll explore each person's perspective and find shared goals.

Individual coaching first: Sometimes one partner benefits from individual sessions initially, especially if there's personal shame, trauma, or confidence issues to address before involving their partner.

We can discuss what makes most sense for your unique situation during our initial consultation.

"How Will Online Sex Coaching Work?"

Many of my clients work with me via Zoom globally, and online sex coaching is remarkably effective. You'll be in a private, comfortable space (your home, office with door closed, car if needed). Video allows me to pick up on non-verbal cues while you remain in your own environment.

Benefits b  online coaching include:

• Accessing specialized support regardless of location

• Comfort of your own space

• Flexibility in scheduling

• Easier for couples with busy schedules or childcare challenges

"What If I Realize It's Not the Right Fit?"

Finding the right coach or therapist is crucial. If after the first session (or consultation) you don't feel we're a good match, that's valuable information. I'd rather you find someone who resonates with you than continue working with someone who doesn't feel right.

Part of the first session is assessing this mutual fit. Do you feel heard? Does my approach make sense to you? Do you feel hopeful that this could help?

Preparing for Your First Session

To make the most of your initial appointment:

Reflect beforehand on what you want to gain from sex coaching. Jot down notes if helpful.

Be honest about your concerns, even if they feel trivial or embarrassing. What seems small often isn't.

Prepare questions you have about the coaching process, my background, or my approach.

Ensure privacy if we're meeting online—find a space where you won't be interrupted or overheard.

Be gentle with yourself afterward. First sessions can bring up unexpected emotions. Plan something nurturing for after our call.

What Happens After the First Session

Following our initial meeting, you'll have clarity about:

• Whether sex coaching is the right approach for your concerns

• What our work together might look like over the coming weeks or months

• Specific initial practices or exercises to begin

• When we'll meet next and what we'll focus on

Most clients leave the first session feeling a mixture of relief (that they've finally addressed this), hope (that change is possible), and perhaps vulnerability (having opened up about sensitive topics). All of these are normal and healthy responses.

Is Sex Coaching Right for You?

Sex coaching can be valuable if you're experiencing:

✓ Persistent challenges with desire, arousal, or pleasure 

✓ Communication difficulties about sex with your partner 

✓ Sexual shame or anxiety limiting your intimate experiences

✓ Life transitions affecting your sexuality (menopause, parenthood, aging, illness) 

✓ Desire to deepen your intimate connection and explore new dimensions of sexuality 

✓ Performance concerns or confidence issues 

✓ Mismatched libido creating tension in your relationship 

✓ Recovery from sexual trauma and readiness to reclaim sexuality 

✓ Curiosity about conscious intimacy, sacred sexuality, or tantric practices

Sex coaching may not be appropriate if: 

✗ You're experiencing severe mental health crisis requiring immediate clinical intervention 

✗ You need medical diagnosis or treatment for sexual dysfunction (though I can refer you to appropriate providers) 

✗ You're not ready to actively engage in the process or implement practices between sessions

Your Journey Begins With One Conversation

Taking that first step to book a session with a sex coach requires courage. It means acknowledging that your intimate life matters enough to invest in it. It means being willing to be vulnerable about something our culture teaches us to keep private. It means choosing growth over resignation.

I want you to know: you don't have to navigate these challenges alone. Whether you're struggling with low libido, performance anxiety, communication about intimacy, painful sex, sexual shame, or simply want to enhance your already-satisfying intimate life—support is available.

As a certified sex and intimacy coach trained in somatic-based and trauma-informed approaches, I create a safe, compassionate space for exploring these deeply personal aspects of your life. Working with clients in London and globally through online sessions, I've witnessed countless individuals and couples transform their relationship with sexuality and intimacy.

Your first session is simply a conversation—one where you're finally heard, understood, and supported in creating the intimate life you deserve.

Book your complimentary consultation to explore whether sex coaching is right for you, or learn more about my approach to intimacy and relationship coaching.

The intimate life you desire is possible. Let's explore it together.

How to talk about sex in a new relationship

The following post has been made into a very sexy and much more complete and pleasurable to read eBook which you can download here.

The idea that someone should just be able to ‘feel into you’ and if they can hit all your spots, they must be ‘the right one’ is a myth.

Please know that if you talk about sex in super early stage dating, you’re not going to ‘mess it up’. Though I get it. The early days, weeks and months of dating someone new can feel super tenuous.

You might feel like one wrong move will send the whole house of cards tumbling. 

And so you kind of mosey into sex for the first time under the foggy cloak of suggestiveness and feeling like it’s ‘going to happen’.

And in doing so have seriously threatened your chances of having the best sex now and forever with this person.

Because studies have shown that couples that are able to talk openly about sex, are the ones that experience the best sex. 

And this talking wants to happen early. 

And I mean super early. 

Because let’s just say it like it is, very few people are mind-readers – paranormal powers remain relatively rare amongst us humans today. 

And whilst communication can happen beyond words, through movement towards or away or encouraging sounds, even if you’re good with non-verbal cues, you may be missing out on more than you might think. 

If you want to know how your partner likes to be touched and where, where their boundaries are, what works for them and what doesn’t, then you need to ask. 

Everyone is different. So even if you’ve been the most incredible lover on the planet in the past, everybody and every ‘body’ is different. And what works for one person may not work for another. 

The more information you have to work with, the better you can support the other person in experiencing pleasure and share in their joy. And help them understand you and your body so they can do the same for you. 

If you want to have good sex – to give pleasure and receive it – you need to communicate both your own wants, needs, and desires to your partner, and to ask them what works for them as well.

What should be talked about, exactly? 

What is the best way to bring it up in the first place?

And how to deal with the awkwardness of it all? 

Here are some guidelines on how to have the conversation. And move beyond the initial awkwardness, in the name of great sex for all involved. 

How do I bring it up? It’s so awkward.

Sex is a part of life. It’s natural. It’s healthy. 

And yet, society, culture and religion have coded into us that it’s shameful to speak about openly – even with those that we are hoping to be intimate with. 

We can have sex more easily than we can talk about it. 

And the price of this is quiet frustration, fumbling, and fear which put a big damper on our level of enjoyment under the covers. 

Talking about sex will feel awkward at first for most, so know you are not alone. So be kind to yourself. No judging or criticising yourself for having things come out differently than you planned. 

Know that like with most things, the more you do it the easier it gets. 

How to make it easier: 

Call yourself out. If it feels weird or you are unsure about talking openly about sex early on in dating, say so. This can help defuse the emotional charge. 

‘It feels a bit awkward to talk about this, but it’s important to me to share with you what’s coming up for me around getting closer to you. Would you be up for a conversation about sex?’

‘It might be a bit too early to have this conversation, but it feels better for me to bring it up now as things move forward with us. Would you be open to a conversation about us sleeping together?’

‘I know most people don’t talk openly about sex before they have it, and I feel a bit embarrassed by asking this, but it’s important to me to understand a few things before we go there. How would an open conversation sound to you?’

Vulnerability is the key to intimacy. And when you share a deep truth that feels scary, it gives the other person permission to do the same. 
And creates space for you to come closer together. 

Normalising the conversation around intimacy and pleasure is one of the best thing you can do for your sex life. 

When should I bring it up?

Start early – before you’ve had sex at all. 

Have I done this? Errrrmmmm….nope. Which is why I am writing this post. 

I wish I had. In every case. 

There’s a fear or misconception that if you talk about sex too early then you’re going to disrupt the buildup, kill the mood, wreck havoc on anticipation, or look like a prude or the opposite – that you’re desperate. 

Thereby ruining your chances of any kind of relationship with someone you actually for once kind of like.  

Not to mention the risk feeling like a complete weirdo for nothing.

Well, let me tell you, feeling some awkwardness and discomfort in having the conversation outside of the bedroom, can make what happens in the bedroom for the first time a gazillion times better. 

And if things with this gorgeous human you are getting to know continue over the long run, you have a solid base to work from.

As you pass through life together, your bodies change, your needs and desires shift, and your experience in the bedroom does as well. 

Your ability as a couple to communicate about the sex you’re experiencing or not experiencing will have repercussions for the lifespan of your relationship.

And can make it...or break it. 

Start talking about sex early on in a relationship, and you’ll have better sex over the short – and long term.

How to make it easier: 

Invite the other person to have the conversation. Don’t spring it on someone last minute or dive right in.

You can say something like: 

“It feels like we’re getting closer and I’m really attracted to you. Before I jump your bones, I’d love to have a conversation about it all so that we’re both on the same page. When would be a good time?”

“I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you. And I look forward to that continuing. Before we get physical, it would be great to have a chat about it. I’d love to hear how you feel about it, and I’d love to share what’s going on for me too. Are you free for coffee any time this week?”

Talking in the heat of the moment when you’re naked for the first time with someone, might make you feel extra vulnerable. 

So make time away from the bedroom when neither of you are rushed or tired. And where you feel comfortable, relaxed, safe and where it’s private.

And all this said, it’s never too late to start. If you’ve already been with the person, go ahead and open a conversation 

What do we talk about exactly?

There are 3 main areas that want to be covered here: 

• What sex means 

• Safer sex: sexual health

• Pleasure

If that feels like a lot, it’s because it is! 

Remember, this is the first of many conversations you’ll have over time with someone. So as long as you cover the basics before you jump in the sack, know that you can deepen in later.

Start with the more simple stuff to establish trust and intimacy. And keep it light. 

What sex means

Sex means different things to different people. 

What is the meaning you’re making from it? And what are the expectations that go along with that?

You can ask: 

What does sex mean to you? Now? In the past?

In this relationship? In others?

If you’re having sex for the first time with someone, what does that mean to you? To them? Will you expect something more or different once you’ve been intimate with them physically?

Meaning may change over time but you want to be sure things are clear from the start. 

Safer sex = more pleasure

This topic of conversation more than any other, should happen away from the bedroom to ensure honesty and openness. 

STIs

For first time lovers or if your partner has been with someone else – ask when they were tested for STI’s (sexually transmitted infections). And to see the results. 

It can feel sticky to ask for this for a number of reasons. You might worry about how the other person might react to the request. That they’ll feel judged. Or even that it’s somehow too personal of a thing to ask, despite the fact that you’re considering getting as close as humanly possible to them.  

Or you make it mean certain things about you. That you’re being overly cautious. That you really know how to kill the mood.

In fact, when you go in knowing that you’re having safe sex, you can relax more physically and feel more secure psychologically and emotionally as well. The more you are able to relax in sex, the more pleasure you’ll experience. 

Remember, this is about you and your body. It’s your responsibility to take good care of your health.

And if the other person has a similar sense of self-responsibility, self-care and self-love, they’ll appreciate the request. 

Contraception options

Contraception is a non-negotiable when it comes to safer sex. The decision to make is not if, but which.

First ask yourself what options do you feel most comfortable with?

What do you prefer to stay away from? 

Then speak with your partner. Hear them out, align on an option and on you go. 

Pleasure, desires and expectations

Be playful and curious as you open up about what you’d like to experience in lovemaking.

Start light. And steer clear of judging yourself or your partner about what you’d like to experience or experiment with.

This makes it feel safe for you both to open up.

Remember, even if you voice a desire or hear one from your parnter that doesn’t mean that you’ve actually got to play it out.

For anything involving fantasies, fetishes or kinks (basically anything beyond simple ‘vanilla sex’), you’ll want to negotiate boundaries and limits. 

You can ask: 

I want to have a great experience together, so I’d love to learn a bit about what you like. Would you be open to sharing? 

Share as much as feels good. If there’s anything that you don’t want to speak about right now, that’s ok. 

What do you tend to like during sex? 

Do you prefer softness and a light touch? Or something more physical and wild? 

Is there anything that you definitely don’t like? 

How often do you like to have sex?

You can download a "Yes, No, Maybe" sexual boundary list that you and your partner can discuss. I like this one but you can google for others.

Is there anything that I should not bring up?

No. If you have concerns or questions that you want answers for in order to feel safe and ready for sex, then bring it up.

At the same time, respect the other person’s capacity to have the conversation. Go slowly and take your time. Don’t force responses. 

In the end, it’s up to both of you to decide if you want to have sex with one another, and when. 

If you feel that they are withholding information that threatens your health or safety, whether that be emotional, psychological or physical, then it’s a ‘no’ until you are truly ready.

And if you don’t feel safe in sharing what’s alive for you, then that is a sign that perhaps it is not the right time or right person. 

Coaching can give you great support in working through your own blockers to having difficult conversations and building a healthy relationship with your own sexuality so that you feel confident in sharing words – and a bed – with another. 

Can we just do this over text?

Yes! If this is going to help you have the conversation at all, then hell yes. 

However, eventually you’ll likely want to have these conversations face-to-face. They build intimacy and closeness, trust and connection. 

Healthy relationships are built on a foundation of good, open, honest communication, trust and safety. 

As is phenomenal sex.

If you want to have the best sex ever, it’s best you get chatting.

The most important career decision you’ll ever make is who to love. Here’s why.

If you are single, then making time to date and to manage the emotional rollercoaster of ghosting, catfishing, breadcrumbing, bench warming, etc., etc., can feel superfluous and annoyingly distracting when there are ‘more important’ work demands to deal with.

According to the latest research, you may be leaving money on the table, promotions and recognition, and the personal gratification that comes with career wins from meaningful work.

“Sheryl Sandberg, Bill and Melinda Gates, Warren Buffett, and my mother all agree on one thing – “that the single most important career decision that a woman makes is whether she will have a life partner and who that partner is.””

— Sheryl Sandberg

In truth, all relationships require time (our greatest asset in today’s world of ‘busy’), energy and attention in order to first exist – and then to grow.

Sheryl Sandberg, Bill and Melinda Gates, Warren Buffett, and my mother all agree on one thing – "that the single most important career decision that a woman makes is whether she will have a life partner and who that partner is."

And so the investment that you make not only in finding the right mate but also in cultivating that relationship holds a bigger potential return for our career growth than we initially imagine. 

“Evidence is mounting from sociological research that when both partners dedicate themselves to work and to home life, they reap benefits such as increased economic freedom, a more satisfying relationship, and a lower-than-average chance of divorce.”

— Jennifer Petriglieri

We can lose sight of this possibility when we have a hard time envisaging how we’ll ever manage it all. You might see friends in a relationship or who are a single parents, facing the demands of balancing career growth and and family responsibilities including kids, ageing parents and intimate partnership. In truth, it is extremely challenging. 

A recent McKinsey study found that ‘89 percent of women and 70 percent of men are part of a dual-career couple (DCC)—a couple in which both partners have jobs. These couples come from all racial and ethnic groups and from all income levels.’(1)

Yet ‘evidence is mounting from sociological research that when both partners dedicate themselves to work and to home life, they reap benefits such as increased economic freedom, a more satisfying relationship, and a lower-than-average chance of divorce.(2)’

“Meaningful work provides intrinsic rewards beyond dollar signs that are valuable for people and their identity.”

— Adrienne Partridge

Notes colleague and friend Adrienne Partridge, ‘Meaningful work provides intrinsic rewards beyond dollar signs that are valuable for people and their identity.’ Adrienne should know. She’s leadership and career coach who studied women's career choices for her doctoral research in psychology and has worked with high-achieving professional women for years.

When we are with a partner who supports us, who is there to encourage us to take risks at work and helps us to feel safe moving beyond our comfort zone, we show up with greater confidence and the assurance that we need to go there. Psychologist John Bowlby’s groundbreaking work in attachment theory calls this form of support in intimate relationships a ‘secure base’.

Even still, coming together to align on aspirations for career and desires for home life is complicated.

So how do couples do it? And how can you?

Explore the options, get clear on what you want – and why – and communicate it.

Jennifer Petriglieri, an associate professor of organizational behavior at INSEAD proposes three basic models to consider when determining balancing work and life for dual-career couples (2): 

(1) In primary-secondary, one partner’s career takes priority over the other’s for the duration of their working lives. The primary person dedicates more time to work and less to the family, and his or her professional commitments (and geographic requirements) usually come before the secondary person’s. 

(2) In turn taking, the partners agree to periodically swap the primary and secondary positions. 

(3) In double-primary, they continually juggle two primary careers.

The model that feels right for you will ultimately be the one that aligns most with your values. 

As I’ve mentioned, for many dual-career couples, personal identity and meaning are intrinsic in what they have chosen for a career path. At the same time, ideas about what makes for a ‘good’ home life including what’s right for children and in caring for ageing parents can change.

“Balance is a misnomer. Things are not always going to be in perfect balance.”

— Adrienne Partridge

Clear, open communication on what you want from the dating stage onwards is key

Know that the model that feels right for you now may shift over time. And so establishing clear, open communication channels right from the onset beginning with dating, is fundamental to the success of a dual-career relationship. 

It’s as important to open up about fears and what your boundaries are, as much as it is to express what you value and why. 

This can feel quite scary. Especially if you are not used to feeling vulnerable.   

And yet it’s in this space that opportunity for deep connection and understanding happen. 

When you voice your needs, and consider those of the other, then it’s from this space of mutual understanding that solutioning can happen. 

As a couple, work together to craft a plan that considers each of your needs, desires and ambition based on shared values. Consider the role that you’ll take in each other’s lives. Get clear on the responsibilities and expectations that come along with that role. And keep on talking about what works and what wants tweaking. 

When the going gets tough, remember this

It’s going to get messy. Articles like this can make it all seem easy. We’ve just got to get clear on what we want, have a conversation, take action, and boom, it’s done. 

Know that one of the main reasons we’re in relationships is to grow and to learn. And like anything else this learning, whether it’s about how best to communicate complex feelings or how to understand what is truly important to you and why, can look and feel uncomfortable. And that’s ok. 

It’s worth it.

Let’s come back to the point on why having the right partner is advantageous for career success. When you have a partner that supports you in challenging yourself, in stepping outside of your comfort zone, in staying by you as you do so, you feel more capable of stepping into the danger zone and taking that risk necessary to grow into a promotion or take on new responsibilities.

It feels great to be supported in this way – and to be that same support for your partner when they need. 

“When we are with a partner who supports us, who is there to encourage us to take risks at work and helps us to feel safe moving beyond our comfort zone, we show up with greater confidence and the assurance that we need to go there. ”

— Andrea Balboni

This is the foundation of a healthy relationship.

After all, I believe that we’re all here to grow and evolve into the brightest versions of ourselves possible in all areas of our lives. And we’re not meant to do that alone. 

Finding the right person for such an important partnership is essential.

Whether you are single and struggling to find the right person, or in a relationship and feel you could do with some support, I can help. Contact me and we’ll talk about how.

1. https://www.mckinsey.com/business-functions/organization/our-insights/how-dual-career-couples-find-fulfillment-at-work#

2. https://hbr.org/2019/09/how-dual-career-couples-make-it-work

What you need to know about makeup sex – the good, the bad and the ugly

Is it good to have sex right after a massive fight?

Does it feel kind of right and kind of wrong at the same time?

Here’s what happens when we do it. Why we do it. And how it might actually help you – and your relationship.

What is makeup sex, anyway?

Makeup sex is when you go from arguing or fighting fiercely with your intimate partner to having intense, passionate sex with them. 

Lots of people experience it – you if you have too, you are so not alone. 

It may seem perplexing that you can go from wanting to draw blood one minute to ravaging each other the next. But there are a few reasons – from the from psychological to the physiological – as to why that is. 

Whilst makeup sex can do some good for your relationship, there are some very important things to be aware of if you want to create a healthy way of being with one another. 

Why does it happen?

There are a few different reasons why makeup sex might happen. 

‘Excitation transfer’ is the psychological term that describes the shift of emotions from strike-to-kill anger to strong never-wanted-it-more sexual desire in the mere flash.  

When excitation transfer happens, emotional responses like the desire for closeness or reconciliation through sex can be intensified by initial arousal felt from a heated argument or full-on fight. 

In other words, your body’s response to the high emotions triggered in the dramatic moments of a fight, fuel the flame of the experience. 
To confuse your body, heart and mind even more, the hormones released when you’re threatened – adrenaline, noradrenaline, and testosterone – are the same ones that surge through you when you’re turned on. 

What are the benefits of makeup sex?

The possibility of losing the person that you love or being rejected or left by them as a result of a fight, can cause your body to go into overdrive. 

And even if you come to a reconciliation, your emotions are likely still charged.  Your physical body will still be holding onto the tension together with the chemicals coursing through it.

When we’re highly stressed, our bodies need to experience a physical release of the tension that’s built up so that we can come back into balance. 

The physical act of sex can allow you to do just that. Sex can be a substitute for the actual movement like ‘shaking it off’ that our body does naturally to stabilize us after a traumatic event. 

Resolution + Closure

Makeup sex is a way to affirm that you still love and care for one another when you can’t find the words for all of the messiness and confusion of the mixed feelings you are having. 

It can be comforting to affirm that we are loved and accepted still by our partner, even though we just had a massive fight. 

Makeup sex offers a way for you both to come together with the understanding that things will be resolved.

It allows your emotional heart a place to express the mixed emotions you likely feel. 

Reveals resentments

Whilst it’s highly advised to develop a healthier way of communicating than through shouting and screaming, blow-ups can bring to light resentments. 

Your partner might be frustrated by the fact that you never share your feelings. And relieved to hear you finally say what you mean and ask for what you need. 

If they make it ok for you to do this by accepting what you’ve shared (though perhaps not enjoying the way you’ve shared it) then moving forward you may be more apt to be outspoken and assertive in the relationship.

Making a claim to needs and desires is very healthy for someone who never does this. 

Widens your sexual experience

Makeup sex might also change the sex you have as you allow parts of yourself to come forward and be seen. This could show itself as being more assertive in bed by asking for what you want, taking the lead or being on top for once. 

It’s beautiful to be able to experience both leading and following in sex and changing up your role / energy can feel exciting and fresh. 

What are the risks of makeup sex? 

Fighting as de-facto communication

It’s not necessarily beneficial to get in the habit of down and dirty fighting to feel that you can say what you want. Or to ask for what you want in bed.

It is important to develop a true sense of safety and security in your relationship so that you can share deep truths and not feel that your life is threatened when you do so. 

Depending on the experiences you’ve had in your life with speaking from your heart and being heard, loved and celebrated for it (if you’re one of these fortunate few, congratulations), this may feel easy or impossibly difficult.

You might want to consider getting some professional support should you wonder what other options there are aside from raising your voice, withdrawing completely, appeasing the other or just simply ‘taking it’. 

False resolution

The reason why you were fighting in the first place may still need resolving. Just because you’ve had sex, doesn’t mean that for both of you the conflict is no longer there.  

It is best worked through from a space that is calm and grounded for both of you.

Where you both take responsibility and ownership for your part in the conflict.

Bad sex makes it worse

Makeup sex isn’t always hot. Nor does it always leave you feeling better or more connected afterwards.

In fact, it can make things worse. If you’ve not gotten your needs met and feel tender and vulnerable, then opening yourself up further to your partner when you are not yet ready will exacerbate things.

Take the time you need to recover and come back into balance on your own. Exercise and movement to shake off the tension and bring you back down might be just what you need.

Space to work through the complex emotional experience you’ve just had could be the perfect thing.

What to do instead

The things that want looking at in you and your relationship will keep coming back until you work through them. 

Learning how to have open, clear communication in conversations about difficult topics is a great place to start – especially if you’re tired of fighting.

This can take a bit of work as we’re not normally taught how to do this. It’s one of the most important things that I work on with my clients.

That and learning what your triggers are – and how to hold yourself through the emotional rollercoaster that results when you get really pissed off .

These are superpowers that I learned from many wisened teachers who have come before me. If you feel like you’d love support in developing these next-level relationship skills, send me a message and we’ll talk about how.

Tantric Massage - what makes it so special (it’s not what you think)

What makes a tantric massage different from say a sports massage or a massage with a happy ending? 

Tantric massage focuses on pleasure and sensuality as much as on releasing stress and tension from the body. Orgasm and sex actually take a back seat. Though that may happen if you decide to move into lovemaking afterwards. 

Tantric massage is a ritual-like full-bodied pleasure practice performed to facilitate deep connection with you, your body, your sexuality, and your partner through touch, deep relaxation, and by practicing complete presence. 

It can be deeply healing and nourishing as the person receiving the massage learns to relax into their body and let go of any tension or holding stored there, specifically in regards to their sexuality.

And the person giving experiences being fully present with another, enabling the pleasure of the receiver, and connecting throughout the practice from the heart. This in itself is generative, fosters connection and is full of deeper meaning.

These 3 elements are foundational to learning how to give (and receive) a tantric massage:

1. Ritual

2. Intention

3. Presence + Connection

In this article I describe how these foundational elements are integral to the incredibly erotic experience of tantric massage.

Not all tantric massage involves genital touch. And whilst there are many ways to perform tantric massage, I’d argue that these are key components that make it what it is – a sacred experience of our sensual selves like no other.

Ritual

We humans looooove ritual. 

Rituals give us a sense of safety and of connection. They imbue deeper meaning to life and even allow us the space within which we can transcend ourselves. 

All of these are key to experiencing the heightened states of pleasure and deep nourishment to body, mind and soul that tantric massage offers.  

Rituals want time and focus. A slowing down to stillness. 

This allows the space for pleasure to surface, connection to deepen and erotic energy to flow. 

Ritual will run throughout your massage session. Here’s how. 

Intention

In rituals, the most ordinary of actions and gestures become transformed into symbolic expressions, their meaning reinforced each time they are performed.1 

Intentions set a tone and give deeper layers of meaning to things. Intention hones our attention and asks for heightened involvement and immersion in the moment.

And in tantric massage an intrinsic part of the practice is to awaken sensuality and full feeling throughout the body.

Set an intention together

Setting an intention helps both the giver and receiver relax into the moment as it manages expectations, boosting confidence. It can alleviate anxiety about performing well as a masseur or about having to receive pleasure in a certain way.

Set an intention together before you begin the massage ritual. And state it again when you are ready to begin. 

The intention for experience you’re about to share can be

• To receive fully from another

• To give fully from the heart

• To allow whatever the experience is and not judge it

• To connect deeply and accept whatever comes

• To experience sensual touch with greater awareness

Create a sacred space

Transform your outer world and your internal world re-organises itself to expect to experience things differently. Creating a sacred space links to intentionality – this experience will be something more than just a regular old rub down.

Choose a place where you’ll perform the massage. This can be your bedroom or anywhere where you can get creative. Transform the space into something special by adding 

• Candles

• Soft lighting

• Clean sheets

• Fresh flowers or petals

• Sensual music 

Presence + Connection

Ritual hones our attention and focus. It leads us to heightened involvement and immersion in the moment.

Conscious touch - be fully present

Have you ever been touched by someone who feels absent? It’s like the touch doesn’t really land. And it can even feel a bit creepy as you sense that their mind and heart are elsewhere. 

It’s fundamental that both partners stay fully present throughout the massage. 

You’d think this simple. But it’s very easy to drift away and get lost in our thoughts throughout. 

For those receiving the massage: 

Keep coming back to your body and the sensations in your body. With every touch you receive, be fully present for it and notice how your body responds. 

• What do you like? 

• What do you dislike? 

• What do you want more of? 

• What does your body need?

For those giving the massage:

Fill each stroke you give with awareness and love. Be intentional in how you approach your partner’s body. And notice how they respond. If you are not sure then that brings us to the next key: communication.

Connect through communication 

We don’t talk enough during sex. We don’t talk enough about what we want. What we like. What feels good. To each other. 

So tantric massage is a great way to introduce communication into your intimate life. 

Ask the receiver things like:

• How do you like the stroke – long and smooth or short and quick

• How is the speed of the touch

• What about the quality of the touch

• Location

• Pressure

• Style

What part of them wants more touch

Respond by asking for more of what you like. Focus on what is good versus verbalising what you don’t like as this can feel like a criticism to your partner. 

With tantric massage as ritual there is joint attention focused on the experience. We can perceive emotional synchrony with one another. We feel connected and in flow with each other’s bodies and rhythms. 

And there can even be an experience of self–other overlap where you lose yourself in the experience of the other person. 

These experiences can feel transcendent as you move from separateness to a shared experience of deep connection and love. 

And the energy between you weaves and flows like water in a stream.  

Staying present in your body even as you flow into another through pleasure is unique to what tantric massage offers. 

End with gratitude and sharing

Rituals have a clear beginning, middle and end. This satisfies a fundamental need for order and is a buffer against uncertainty. When we feel safe and in control then we can more easily let ourselves go and relax into the moment and whatever arises. 

End the massage by thanking each other for being part of a shared experience. 

Take some time to share what you experienced both as the giver and receiver. 

1. ‘The Psychology of Rituals: An Integrative Review and Process-Based Framework,’ Nicholas M. Hobson, Juliana Schroeder, Jane L. Risen, Dimitris Xygalatas and Michael Inzlicht

Top tool for intimacy in healthy relationships: Soul gazing

Some of the most profound tools for connection in intimacy are the most simple. 

This practice takes about 15 minutes and radically brings you closer together when done with an intention to:

• be fully present with one another

• open up to whatever comes up

• and to connect deeply in love

Preparation

Be seated comfortably across from your partner, about half a meter / 1 foot apart.

Spend about 2 minutes on each step below. Set a timer on your phone to keep track. 

Step 1: Face

Start by softly focusing on and taking in your partner’s face. 

Notice all of the details of their face as if studying it for the very first time: the shape of every part of their face, the colors, the texture.

Step 2: Emotional body

Now look or feel into them a little bit deeper. Notice the emotions they are experiencing. 

Gaze into their eyes and moment-to-moment notice the emotions that you feel inside of your partner. 

The ones that they are actively feeling right now in this moment. And the ones they carry as a kind of emotional signature.

What response does this evoke in you and in your body? 

Continue to notice what your partner is experiencing even as you stay present with your own experience.

Breathe.

Step 3: Mind

Next feel into the mind of your partner. 

Notice what their thoughts might be. And the quality of their thoughts. 

Both the ones that they are actively feeling right now. And their regular state of their mind. 

Notice whatever it is that you feel as you do this. And stay connected to your own body at the same time. 

Keep breathing. 

Step 4: Energy

Next feel the energy of your partner. 

What qualities can you perceive in them? 

Notice how these may change and shift moment-by-moment as you track them.

How does your own body feel as it registers this information? 

Step 5: Soul

Feel your partner’s soul. And create the intention to let your own self be seen. 

See your partner and let yourself be seen.

What is there in your partner’s soul that you notice? What do you have access to? 

Keep breathing. 

Step 6: Spirit

Feel the spirit of your partner, the piece that connects the two of you so deeply. 

It may be a quality that feels indescribable. A part of you – and of them – that is deep inside. 

Let this part of you be seen fully. And see in your partner the deep nature of their spirit.

Even here stay connected to your body. Experience an embodied sense of spirit. It is what makes us human. And divine at the same time.  

Sharing:

This practice can be very vulnerable for you and your partner. Take this into consideration as you share. 

Take turns sharing:

• What did you see?

• What did you feel?

• What did you notice?
  
  

Remember to share what you noticed looking:

• at their face

• at their emotional body

• their mental space

• their energy

• the qualities of their soul and 

• feeling their spirit
  
  

Thank each other and move into lovemaking if that feels right.

This practice is inspired by the work of Layla Martin

3 signs she’s just not ‘emotionally available’

Guys are often charged with the accusation of not being ‘emotionally available’.

That you are not able or ready to share your deep, rich emotional world with women – or anyone for that matter. 

The same can be said however, for many women. 

Not all women are willing to open their hearts and bear all to anyone who comes forward – even if (and sometimes ESPECIALLY if) that person is a man whom we fancy. 

So how can you tell in early stage dating, that she’s actually ready for the deeper connection you crave and that gives meaning to intimate relationships?

Here are 3 things to watch out for:

Deep talk vs cheap talk 

You talk for hours and hours about all of the ‘things’ happening in her life. The people she meets, the activities she does, the world around her. 

BUT she never go deep into what’s really going on within. You know facts and figures. The people and places. 

You don’t know how she feels about it all or what it all means to her. 

This after several very long conversations.   

It’s all about you. 

She lets you go on and on about you. It’s flattering at first. She seems very curious to learn about you. So you open up. About the small stuff…how you love to cycle, your boat, your favourite albums. And about the big stuff…how you were bullied when you were little and it hurt, how your brother is your best friend, the things that give your life a sense of purpose. 

And after the patter of your voice dissipates, she fires another question at you and off you go again. 

BUT she reciprocates with short answers to your questions about her and deflects them back to you. 

You realise that once again, she gives away very little about her inner world. 

She doesn’t walk the walk.

She has an active social life with friends and family and does lots of activities. You’re glad that she’s got an independent spirit and life of her own

BUT there’s very little space for you in it. She keeps putting off dates. And it feels like your two universes never quite eclipse. 

You get the sense that there’s an invisible wall up – it’s there even if you can’t see it.  

I’ll be frank with you – a shortage of time isn’t the issue. We make time for things we care about and are invested in. So whilst a part of her wants to be in a relationship, another part of her isn’t quite there yet – and it likely has nothing to do with you. 

Pursuing a woman feels challenging and fun for some. However you do not have to convince or cajole someone into spending time with you. Check in on how much you are giving –  and whether she’s truly ready to receive  graciously the gift of your time and attention. 

Deep connection – the kind you crave not just in your relationship but in sex too – begins with each person’s ability to be vulnerable with one another. 

And whilst trust-building is something that takes time, some women need to do the deeper level work on themselves before any bridges you create to build this trust can be crossed.

Journaling: A simple powerful tool to build confidence in dating and relationships

Journaling is a great way to work through the tough stuff and really know yourself. 

And really knowing yourself (and loving yourself for being YOU), is what actually builds your confidence from the inside out so that when you are on dates or in a relationship you feel grounded and confident no matter what happens.

Knowing and loving the parts of you that you’ve pushed into the shadows, the parts of you that you’ve been ashamed of, that you’ve feared being, the parts that feel like they are not worthy of love is especially powerful.

Acknowledging and accepting these parts of you allows you to stand in your full power. To show up as your fullest self.

And to open your heart and mind fully to another person – feel safe in doing so. There’s nothing to hide.

So if you want a deep, connected relationship, let’s get you started writing.

What you need

A journal or notebook. It doesn’t have to be fancy.

Your favourite pen / pencil.

A daily practice of writing. This can be anywhere from a few minutes of free form writing (whatever comes to mind). Or a more structured practice like the one I share below.

Get started - Journaling the Shadow

Shadow work (getting to know the parts of ourselves that we tend to push back into the shadows of our mind and hearts) is a fantastic way to create more compassion for ourselves. Here’s a way into shadow work through journaling.

Step 1: Write down 3 things you'd hate to be accused of

For example, many men are afraid of being accused of being selfish, mean, a bully, weak, or a pushover.

Step 2: Write down a time when you actually were this way and what resulted from it.

I was very selfish in my last relationship and it made me feel alone. My partner eventually left me.

Step 3: And another time when it served you

I was selfish when I decided to stay home from a family gathering because it would have been too stressful. I'm glad I stayed home because it was what I really needed. 

Step 4: Own this part of you fully

Say out loud – I am a selfish man. Feel it in your body. Know that it's only a part of you – a part that sometimes serves you. And so it is welcome and necessary – when the time is right.

Still not convinced? Hear me out.

I remember when I first met Naz. 

I was late for our first date – a picnic in the park.

It was a bright sunny day outside and we sat for hours chatting and munching on small bites as the clouds shifted quickly across the deep blue sky. 

Naz shared with me not only the good parts of his life – where he’s travelled to, the friends he has – but also the challenging stuff. The things that hurt and were hard. 

We went deep. 

It was only afterwards that Naz told me that he doesn’t normally share the tough stuff with people he’s just met. 

Or with anyone for that matter. 

When you accept all parts of you, exactly as you are, that’s when the magic happens. 

Naz felt confident enough in himself that day to open up and reveal parts of him and his life that showed me the man he was. 

The guy I fell in love with. 

Was he perfectly 100% confident in all ways? Nope. 
Was it enough? 
Yep. 

It was.

Learn about my bespoke men’s coaching programme and apply to work with me on building your confidence from the inside out.

Change is more than a verbal process - The power of working with your body

Sitting behind a computer year in and year out, decade in decade out takes its toll on a body. 

Don’t get me wrong, I loved my job in technology for many reasons. I felt like a pioneer in the early days of the dot com era in New York City. 

And I loved the mental challenge of the work. And the creativity that innovation required – my fellow ‘web designers’ and I were virtually creating things ‘from scratch’ as the internet itself was just newly born.  

However my body wasn’t loving it. I felt a palpable shift to city life from a childhood spent outdoors. 

In New England the seasons are well defined. And one thing suburban sprawl allowed for was a clear sensual experience of the bite of intense bone-chilling cold in winter, springtime awakening to brightness, technicolor and lightness of the new, a mellowing into sultry sweaty summer days at high-intensity heat to  the crisp autumn crunchiness of leaves under feet and once a return to the clip of chill in the air.

20 years of revolving doors, closed office spaces cut me off almost entirely from the rhythm of the seasons. The intense mental focus and ‘toughening up’ to big city life and a corporate career asked for – demanded I felt – a shut down of feeling and flow in my body. 

And my innate sensuality. 

There were small escapes…swims in a chlorinated blue rectangle when I could find one, hip hop classes where I could move my body in impossible rhythms. Cooking with spices from distant places all available a block or two away. And an occasional train ride to sandy shores.  

It was not enough. 

I also felt the incredible absence of touch. And the solitude that comes with that.

In my family amongst my siblings we are quite tactile. Perhaps it’s because we’re of the Mediterranean, maybe it’s because my mother encouraged play and closeness amongst us. 

I realised just how nourishing and just how much I needed touch only when I no longer had it around. 

I work with the body [ guided hands off practices only ] as much as the mind and emotions of the people who come to me for coaching. This is because the body holds so much of the weight of the past.

For me it held on to years and years of shut down and turning off so I could be productive and efficient. And to protect myself from those I was attracted to but also feared – sex was dangerous. There were diseases. Risk of pregnancy. Life ruining consequences. So it was safer to abstain. 

And love equally scary. What if I chose the wrong person? What if I broke someone’s heart? What if they hurt me? 

Better to stay away. 

Working with my body in very specific and informed ways held the key to releasing all of this and a whole bunch of other stuff that was holding me back from fully expressing myself – and thus from finding love. 

I continue to work with body-based practices in my coaching practice because it doesn’t tell stories. 

The mind LOVES stories. And you can get lost in them, talking it out..or rather around it all... sometimes for years. 

And after all of the talking, still stuck. 

Change is more than a verbal process.

You might be easily aware of your emotions, thoughts, and behaviours on a surface level, and may even experience insight into them.

But it’s when you feel all of this in your body on a very deep level, that you can work with it directly, release it swiftly, and experience freedom from whatever it is that is blocking you from the life you want to live.

And the love that is meant for you. 

Don’t get me wrong, accessing the power of the mind is important. It’s critical that body, mind and emotions (or heart) are all activated and in sync.

And that’s just the thing. ALL PARTS OF US need to be in sync in order for us to truly make progress and move forward. Into feeling, behaving and thinking differently so that we get different results in life. In dating. In relationships. In intimacy. AND in sex. 

It’s all there.

Releasing the blockers, body mind and soul is key to being able to show up on dates, in relationship, and in life as your fullest most authentic self. And be loved for it. 

It also allows space for you to access the wisdom that you hold within. And that is easily accessed through the body as well.

If you’ve already done lots of self-development work and have talked it out…

And perhaps have also tried some reiki, meditation, yoga, mindfulness, breathwork, shamanic healing, plant medicines, you name it…

Just like I did.

Here’s the yurt in Peru where I first experienced ayahuasca – powerful medicine!

And you’re still stuck. 

Then body-based therapeutic catalytic coaching with me might be right for you. 

Book in a free 15 minute chat with me to find out. 

“I’ve changed. I know how to deal with my emotions better. I allow myself to feel. As a man I’ve not felt I can feel anger, jealousy or sadness for instance. With Andrea I’ve learned how to feel strong emotions so that

It’s a different sort of coaching and it’s opened my eyes to new ways of being. I’ve had access to practices and exercises that are not readily available in the world.

It’s completely different from anything that I’ve already done. 

I’ve gotten clarity on how to access what I want in my relationship. And it’s paying dividends.

Communication is more open and my relationship is stronger. I have the tools I need to have that.”

— Rev

“It has been a week of releasing years of being in fight or flight mode.
 
I have slowed in body and breath, checking in when I am tense and holding belly, jaw, breath and releasing it. 
 
I have been ruled by this underlying trauma all these years. The work we are doing is flushing it out.

Just by the simple act of creating space for my pleasure and being supported by you in it, a huge chasm of shame has disappeared, replaced with a sense of love and the deep knowing that my pleasure is within my own grasp and no one else’s. 
 
I recognized the reason for the reaching for and grasping from others I have done so much if in my past relationship on SO many levels. I was overlooking that the depth of my power lies right here, in me.
”

—   Sophia

“Never once before in my 60 years had the concept been shared with me that my male body and my sexuality held deep, powerful, trustworthy sacred wisdom. Certainly not believably. Quite the opposite, in fact. 

Since our work together, I trust instead, or at least certainly far more than ever before, my own deepest truth, sense and vision.”

— Tim

3 surprising secrets to deepen intimacy - even if you are single

Like love that endures the test of time

And sex that remains powerful, potent, exciting and on fire long after the initial sparks and chemical cocktail in your body have subsided

Intimacy, that which brings us close and gives us the experience of being accepted for exactly who we are must also be cultivated.

And often created.

Actively.

Sitting around and waiting for love to come knocking on my door didn’t really work for me. Neither did obsessive action like serial dating or hours of swiping.

All of that outward focus didn’t do sh*t all.

Inner work did.

So I am going to share with you now the top 3 ways on how to create more intimacy in your life.

Yep, you guessed it – it starts by looking inwards.

Intimacy key 1: Truth-telling

What stories are you telling yourself? What narratives might your clever mind be weaving?

Might they sound like, ‘I don’t really have time right now for a relationship – work is really full on and anyway I have great friends.’ or ’I’m just not the kind of person that people are attracted to’.

Face your truth, however painful and scary so you can begin to own what you want.

Start by getting really radically truthful with yourself. Own your desires and what you really want in love – and in life, no matter how out of reach they feel.

It might sound like, ‘I really do want a relationship. And I’m going to carve out space for it. Though work is demanding and I care about my career, what matters most to me right now is doing what it takes for love to enter my life.’

Allow yourself to feel the pain of not having those things (you only get a few mins for this, it doesn’t help to get stuck here). It’s palpable.

Love yourself for the wanting.

Then, shift into knowing that you are doing what it takes to get there.

And know that you will if you focus on it.

Whatever we give time and energy to eventually comes to us.

Intimacy key 2 : Eye-gazing

Eye-gazing is simply staring into someone’s eyes for 2-10 minutes. No talking. Just holding a soft focused gaze.

What? Don’t I need someone else’s eyes to gaze into for this one?

Nope.

Got a mirror?

Looking into your own eyes is incredibly potent. It may feel silly at first, but if you stick with it, oh the things you’ll ‘see’ about yourself.

Let me know how this one goes. I’d love to hear.

Intimacy key 3 : Pleasure map

Through touch. For this one, you just need a bit of creativity and some time alone to experiment with the type of touch that you most enjoy.

And where.

Knowing your own body, what turns you on – and off – is key to experiencing the levels of pleasure that are available to you. And the closeness that this brings first to yourself as you drop deeply into your body. And build connection with it. And trust in your own pleasure and ability to access and experience it on very deep levels.

Then once you’ve understood your own pleasure map – charting where on your body you experience the most pleasure – you can invite in another to share in the experience.

One of the prevailing myths of our time is that lovers are supposed to ‘just know’ how you like to be touched. Not many of us are mind-readers so I’m not sure how this one has lasted as long as it has.

Asking for what you want allows you to receive the pleasure you want. And makes the job of the giver satisfying and rewarding as they support you in your pleasure.

And this beautiful, informed dance of giving and receiving pleasure brings 2 humans ever so close.

Start with you.

And where you are at.

Go easy with yourself.

Let this be the evolution that it is meant to be.

And enjoy the journey.

How to deepen intimacy + ask for what you want in bed

Bad s*x. Been there. Done that.

We pretty much all have.

Sue Sutherland​ of the Feel Institute talks to us about how to have GREAT s*x.

And she shares with us a simple game we can play with the people we are with so that we can have the experiences that we really want.

Sneak peak into the wisdom:

1. Know what you want – listen to that body of yours

2. Ask for it – be brave + bold!

3. Love yourself for doing so.

❤
One (of the admittedly many) reasons why sex can end up being bad

Even with those that we love having sex with
Is when we say yes to doing something that we actually don’t want to do!

We consent.

Simply stated CONSENT = CHOICE

We choose to say YES to a touch or a closeness or something more
When all our body really wanted was for us to
Shout out an emphatic NO
Or a gentle firm NO
Or any NO at all.

Let’s just admit it: speaking up around sex, especially in intimate moments with someone new…or even someone you’ve been with for a very long time…

Can feel extremely scary. And weird.
We don’t want to kill a moment. Or offend someone.
Or seem inexperienced. Or awkward.

And yet, when you learn how to talk about what you want
Or don’t want in any moment

The chances of having bad sex every again diminish completely.
And the path to good sex

To amazzzzzing sex
Opens wide.

How to have better sex: connection + consent with Nichi Hodgson

I want you to jump from two feet into the bedroom, when you feel finally ready to be intimate with a certain someone you might have just started dating. 

And not only that, I want you to have the best sex possible when you do. 

And so, I wanted to break out this bit of a conversation from a video I had posted a few weeks back with Nichi Hodgeson, journalist on all things sexy for the likes of the Guardian and Sky News that will help you to do so.

You see, consent is key to connection. 
And connection is the key to great sex. 

Especially if you are new to dating someone. 

It's key to know what feels good for you – and what doesn't. And to voice it. 
So open communication becomes a foundation to your relationship. 

Nichi breaks consent down for us beautifully in this video.
She explains that consent is deciding ‘Do I want to do this right now with this person?’ 

And then listening to your body and your mind. 
And remembering your values. 
And then deciding do you want to go ahead with it – or not.

We make hundreds of decisions a day and consent to lots of little tiny things whether they feel good or not. 
In fact, many times we ignore what our bodies are telling us because we feel that we ‘have’ to.

For example have you ever sat through work meetings for hours when you’d rather be getting on with what you’ve got to do. Or simple would love to have a stretch and a stroll?

In the video Nichi explains, we’re actually pretty good at ignoring what our bodies want and consenting anyway.
What we don’t do so well is voice when we don’t want something.

So it’s important when you are with someone, to notice how your body feels – and be upfront about it. 
Be firm with yourself if you are not sure and say, ‘Hey could we take a minute?’

Know that you can change your mind.
Buy yourself some time. Get some space
Go to the bathroom for a moment. 

When you come back, be real about what is going on. 
‘I’m having a great time with you but can we do something else instead.’ 

Or suggest something that you’d rather do. 

If words are difficult then put someone’s hand on your body in a way that feels good to be touched. 

A strong ‘No’ is wonderful to hear 
Because when that becomes a strong ‘Yes’ one day, the person you are with knows they can trust it.

It takes a strong ‘No’ to get to a strong ‘Yes’. 
And with a strong ‘Yes’ that can be trusted, deep connection results. 

And connected sex is soooooo good. 

Are you asking for too much from someone?

>--> Core values are fundamental

Don't let them slide! Rather, soften around them. 

To determine what your core values in relationship are ask yourself: 

- What moments in my life have fulfilled me + felt meaningful? 

- When do I feel most like myself

- In the times I've felt down, what has been missing?

My core values are: 

Honesty

Open communication

Accountability + Responsibility

Money mindset compatibility

Sense of adventure / curiosity 

>-->Combat perfectionism

Ask yourself:

What do I wish others would see in me? 

What do I wish I had a gentle teacher for? 

Looking inward, we notice that we are not perfect either. 
And that some things take time to uncover. 

And that this may be the buried treasure you've yet to discover in the other.