How to heal from heartbreak - a 3 step body-heart-mind process

If you’ve experienced heartbreak, you are so not alone.

Heartbreak is one of the most common things that we all experience at some point or another. 

This holds true often even for those who have never been in a relationship as much as it does for those married multiple times. 

Heartbreak can even happen whilst you are deep in relationship. 

The hope we hold for love unrequited or withdrawn carries a pain that can chafe the heart enough times to send the protective barriers up that keep us feeling safe – and alone. 

The loss we feel, the grief and sadness can stay around for much longer than is healthy. It’s good to feel your emotions. Not so good to hold on to the tough ones for too long. The heaviness that fills our heart leaves no space for the joy and lightness of love. The kind that overflows. 

The kind that wants to be shared. 

Heartbreak can also sit in our minds as we play the scenes over and over again trying to make sense of it all. Where we went wrong. What we did or didn’t do. What was going on with the other person. This infinite loop locks us in the past leaving no possibility for us to be present here and now so that we can live a new and different future. 

Step 1: Free your physical body – let it out 

This may not seem obvious at first, but heartbreak sits not only in the ache around your heart. It can show up in other parts of you as well.  

Feel into your body and notice what sensations come up when you recall the person or situation that broke your heart. 

For example many women often feel an ache in their womb when they really tune in to their bodies. 

Others will realise that that tightness in their belly or clenching of their shoulders shows up. 

Whatever it is, you’ll want to encourage the sensation to loosen and move out of your body. 

Some ways to facilitate this are:  

• Shake it off - from the tips of your fingers down to your toes shake your whole body

• Dance it off - crank up the tunes!

• Sound it out - give the sensation a voice and let it out

Whatever it takes to get the yuck out. 

Give yourself 5-10 minutes for this. 

Step 2: Next move on to your heart – allow yourself to feel

Allow yourself to feel the emotions of it all, whatever it is that comes up for you. 

This could be deep sadness and grief, a sense of loss and of course hurt. 

Sometimes the feelings of intense pain or hurt carry a physical quality to them. Let the emotion move through your body and out. 

Give yourself 5-10 minutes for this. 

Whilst it’s important to feel your emotions to heal, you don’t want to stay here for too long as it can then become counter-productive. 

Step 3: Clear your mind

If you find yourself analysing and over-analysing the situation or person or yourself, then try this. 

Take 2 sheets of paper.

On one paper write down all the good stuff from your experience. 

Fill it with lessons learned and wisdom gained. 

This you’ll be taking forward with you in your journey to new love. 

On the 2nd sheet of paper write down all the nasty stuff. Everything that you want to leave behind. All the mess and anything that felt harmful – and not in a learning kind of way. 

Burn the paper or rip it up and toss it out. 

Fill up with fresh, clean energy

You will have created space in your body, heart and mind at this point. 

Fill that space with light and love. You can do this through a heart-based meditation. Or simply by imagining a beautiful pearl of love-filled light at the centre of your chest expanding out into all the spaces that you’ve created. 

Another way is to spend time with friends and family where you feel the love and soak it all in from them. Love feeds love. All kinds. 

Come back to wholeness

And finally, call back into you any parts of you that you feel might have been left behind. Welcome yourself back. 

Do this process as many times as it takes until you feel complete, whole and new. 

And remember, healing heartbreak can take time. Be gentle and go easy. 

Tantric Massage - what makes it so special (it’s not what you think)

What makes a tantric massage different from say a sports massage or a massage with a happy ending? 

Tantric massage focuses on pleasure and sensuality as much as on releasing stress and tension from the body. Orgasm and sex actually take a back seat. Though that may happen if you decide to move into lovemaking afterwards. 

Tantric massage is a ritual-like full-bodied pleasure practice performed to facilitate deep connection with you, your body, your sexuality, and your partner through touch, deep relaxation, and by practicing complete presence. 

It can be deeply healing and nourishing as the person receiving the massage learns to relax into their body and let go of any tension or holding stored there, specifically in regards to their sexuality.

And the person giving experiences being fully present with another, enabling the pleasure of the receiver, and connecting throughout the practice from the heart. This in itself is generative, fosters connection and is full of deeper meaning.

These 3 elements are foundational to learning how to give (and receive) a tantric massage:

1. Ritual

2. Intention

3. Presence + Connection

In this article I describe how these foundational elements are integral to the incredibly erotic experience of tantric massage.

Not all tantric massage involves genital touch. And whilst there are many ways to perform tantric massage, I’d argue that these are key components that make it what it is – a sacred experience of our sensual selves like no other.

Ritual

We humans looooove ritual. 

Rituals give us a sense of safety and of connection. They imbue deeper meaning to life and even allow us the space within which we can transcend ourselves. 

All of these are key to experiencing the heightened states of pleasure and deep nourishment to body, mind and soul that tantric massage offers.  

Rituals want time and focus. A slowing down to stillness. 

This allows the space for pleasure to surface, connection to deepen and erotic energy to flow. 

Ritual will run throughout your massage session. Here’s how. 

Intention

In rituals, the most ordinary of actions and gestures become transformed into symbolic expressions, their meaning reinforced each time they are performed.1 

Intentions set a tone and give deeper layers of meaning to things. Intention hones our attention and asks for heightened involvement and immersion in the moment.

And in tantric massage an intrinsic part of the practice is to awaken sensuality and full feeling throughout the body.

Set an intention together

Setting an intention helps both the giver and receiver relax into the moment as it manages expectations, boosting confidence. It can alleviate anxiety about performing well as a masseur or about having to receive pleasure in a certain way.

Set an intention together before you begin the massage ritual. And state it again when you are ready to begin. 

The intention for experience you’re about to share can be

• To receive fully from another

• To give fully from the heart

• To allow whatever the experience is and not judge it

• To connect deeply and accept whatever comes

• To experience sensual touch with greater awareness

Create a sacred space

Transform your outer world and your internal world re-organises itself to expect to experience things differently. Creating a sacred space links to intentionality – this experience will be something more than just a regular old rub down.

Choose a place where you’ll perform the massage. This can be your bedroom or anywhere where you can get creative. Transform the space into something special by adding 

• Candles

• Soft lighting

• Clean sheets

• Fresh flowers or petals

• Sensual music 

Presence + Connection

Ritual hones our attention and focus. It leads us to heightened involvement and immersion in the moment.

Conscious touch - be fully present

Have you ever been touched by someone who feels absent? It’s like the touch doesn’t really land. And it can even feel a bit creepy as you sense that their mind and heart are elsewhere. 

It’s fundamental that both partners stay fully present throughout the massage. 

You’d think this simple. But it’s very easy to drift away and get lost in our thoughts throughout. 

For those receiving the massage: 

Keep coming back to your body and the sensations in your body. With every touch you receive, be fully present for it and notice how your body responds. 

• What do you like? 

• What do you dislike? 

• What do you want more of? 

• What does your body need?

For those giving the massage:

Fill each stroke you give with awareness and love. Be intentional in how you approach your partner’s body. And notice how they respond. If you are not sure then that brings us to the next key: communication.

Connect through communication 

We don’t talk enough during sex. We don’t talk enough about what we want. What we like. What feels good. To each other. 

So tantric massage is a great way to introduce communication into your intimate life. 

Ask the receiver things like:

• How do you like the stroke – long and smooth or short and quick

• How is the speed of the touch

• What about the quality of the touch

• Location

• Pressure

• Style

What part of them wants more touch

Respond by asking for more of what you like. Focus on what is good versus verbalising what you don’t like as this can feel like a criticism to your partner. 

With tantric massage as ritual there is joint attention focused on the experience. We can perceive emotional synchrony with one another. We feel connected and in flow with each other’s bodies and rhythms. 

And there can even be an experience of self–other overlap where you lose yourself in the experience of the other person. 

These experiences can feel transcendent as you move from separateness to a shared experience of deep connection and love. 

And the energy between you weaves and flows like water in a stream.  

Staying present in your body even as you flow into another through pleasure is unique to what tantric massage offers. 

End with gratitude and sharing

Rituals have a clear beginning, middle and end. This satisfies a fundamental need for order and is a buffer against uncertainty. When we feel safe and in control then we can more easily let ourselves go and relax into the moment and whatever arises. 

End the massage by thanking each other for being part of a shared experience. 

Take some time to share what you experienced both as the giver and receiver. 

1. ‘The Psychology of Rituals: An Integrative Review and Process-Based Framework,’ Nicholas M. Hobson, Juliana Schroeder, Jane L. Risen, Dimitris Xygalatas and Michael Inzlicht

Body, mind, and emotions – coaching my way engages all of you for deep, lasting change

My relationship with my partner is deeper than I could have ever imagined, and only continues to blossom.

Looking back and remembering previous tensions I held in my relationship reminds me of how far I’ve come. 

Here is Oli’s personal story of how using one of my favourite MBE Coaching techniques called ‘Focusing’ helped her move from fear around vocalising what she wants to healthy and open dialogue on all subjects with the man she loves.

Discovering that I could locate emotional trauma living in my body in the form of physical pain was a revelation. I had been struggling with this lump in my throat for a while before I began my work with Andrea. 

It was painful and uncomfortable and I knew it was linked to my anxiety, but I was completely clueless as to the deeper meaning of it and that I had the capacity within my own body to clear it, bring myself to safety and heal from a trauma that happened so many years ago.

Focusing was developed by psychotherapist Eugene Gendlin as a psychotherapeutic process that uses sensation to clear the body of unresolved feelings, and to make space for new possibilities. 

The first step to this is recognising your own “felt sense”. This goes beyond logical thoughts and feelings, and taps into the body for wisdom. This can be multiple wisdoms - multiple points in your body that provide information. 

Discovering that I could locate emotional trauma living in my body in the form of physical pain was a revelation. I had been struggling with this lump in my throat for a while before I began my work with Andrea. 

It was painful and uncomfortable and I knew it was linked to my anxiety, but I was completely clueless as to the deeper meaning of it and that I had the capacity within my own body to clear it, bring myself to safety and heal from a trauma that happened so many years ago.

Locating My Inner Child 

During a session, we bring my state of consciousness into a meditative one. A place of calm peacefulness. I body scan to notice all the subtle energies flowing through my body - a practice I have been doing in my meditation for a few years - but little did I know this was going to be much different. 

I remember the first time we did this clearly. The lump in my throat, present, and during the body-scan, strong. Andrea would ask questions like “what does it feel like?” “what does it look like?” “what colour is it?” “how old is it?” - which on a logical level doesn’t make much sense at all. But on some basic emotional level, interesting and unpredictable words followed my feelings. 

This lump in my throat became personified. It became a child. My inner child. Crying out for attention. Having spent years of looking after me. Protecting me. She was sad, angry, frustrated, confused, spiky. 

With the words came tears. Tears that were representative of my inner child needing a voice. 

I was filled with fear for my voice to be heard. I was blocked from telling the truth from a lie that was told that deeply traumatised me. A wound that needed healing. 

With talking therapy, I learnt to vocalise my fears, but with Andrea, I’ve been able to do much more physical work and locate deeper, inner truths. Discovering that my body holds infinitely more answers than my logical mind.

This was important, because in therapy I continued to repeat the same story over and over again. The bodywork broke me free, and unlocked things I didn’t know needed unlocking. I’ve been able to find the answers within myself.

“Felt shift” is a part of the Focusing process where your experiences guide you to a better place of understanding yourself.

Locating My Inner Goddesses

As the tears poured, Andrea told me to body-scan again, this time locating a place of safety in my body. A place of softness, squishiness, sturdy groundedness. I found her, and I’ve since found multiples of her. In my belly. In my breasts. In my upper arms, and in the centre of my head. My inner goddesses. 

Using this visual meditative practice, Andrea guided my inner child to explore the soft areas of my body. To move around, play and feel free from the pain and responsibility of protecting me. 

My inner goddesses regularly show up in these practices. They provide warmth and strength. They take control and offer insane amounts of wisdom. 

Words flow from feeling. Again nothing logical about it. But incredibly powerful, that I come out feeling blissful and born again. 

In the 6 months I have been working with Andrea my throat does still show up. But she is calmer, and I know how to soothe her. I feel much more in control of my state of mind, and know that I have the powers within me to heal. 

Where I used to find communicating my fears to my partner, my friends and my family next to impossible, it all comes to me a bit easier now.

I am more confident in opening up a difficult conversation - where before I would sit on my anxiety for months, only to have it blow up in my face later on. 

In this space of release, you allow room for newness to emerge. 

Focusing opens up a dialogue between the mind and the body. While the mind has one take on what’s going on, the body has others, more subtle, more intricate, and nuanced in the way it understands the situation, gives meaning and provides context.

Not everyone is ready to work straight away with their mind and body through Focusing. Though many of us are accustomed to emotionality and feelings, working with the body brings us that much deeper.

So I choose the tool, practice or process to meet you where you are at and we work from there.

Calm, nourish and stabilize yourself - body, mind + soul

I’m sharing this FREE audio-guided grounding deep meditation practice 

To stabilise and nourish you body, mind and soul

Download the audio files here

Being human has never been easy

But that doesn’t mean we have to do this alone

Especially in these exceptional times

So here’s one of my favourite practices from my coaching programme for those wanting to create love in their lives. 

Filling yourself up with good, nourishing energy is key

It allows you to share love from a place of fullness and overflow

And by doing so you attract in more of the same

Right now we all can use filling up with all the love we can get! 

And unlike loo roll, there’s an infinite amount of love on the planet to draw from. 

So put on some calming music

Hit play on the audio

And soak it up

So much love from me to you.

Change is more than a verbal process - The power of working with your body

Sitting behind a computer year in and year out, decade in decade out takes its toll on a body. 

Don’t get me wrong, I loved my job in technology for many reasons. I felt like a pioneer in the early days of the dot com era in New York City. 

And I loved the mental challenge of the work. And the creativity that innovation required – my fellow ‘web designers’ and I were virtually creating things ‘from scratch’ as the internet itself was just newly born.  

However my body wasn’t loving it. I felt a palpable shift to city life from a childhood spent outdoors. 

In New England the seasons are well defined. And one thing suburban sprawl allowed for was a clear sensual experience of the bite of intense bone-chilling cold in winter, springtime awakening to brightness, technicolor and lightness of the new, a mellowing into sultry sweaty summer days at high-intensity heat to  the crisp autumn crunchiness of leaves under feet and once a return to the clip of chill in the air.

20 years of revolving doors, closed office spaces cut me off almost entirely from the rhythm of the seasons. The intense mental focus and ‘toughening up’ to big city life and a corporate career asked for – demanded I felt – a shut down of feeling and flow in my body. 

And my innate sensuality. 

There were small escapes…swims in a chlorinated blue rectangle when I could find one, hip hop classes where I could move my body in impossible rhythms. Cooking with spices from distant places all available a block or two away. And an occasional train ride to sandy shores.  

It was not enough. 

I also felt the incredible absence of touch. And the solitude that comes with that.

In my family amongst my siblings we are quite tactile. Perhaps it’s because we’re of the Mediterranean, maybe it’s because my mother encouraged play and closeness amongst us. 

I realised just how nourishing and just how much I needed touch only when I no longer had it around. 

I work with the body [ guided hands off practices only ] as much as the mind and emotions of the people who come to me for coaching. This is because the body holds so much of the weight of the past.

For me it held on to years and years of shut down and turning off so I could be productive and efficient. And to protect myself from those I was attracted to but also feared – sex was dangerous. There were diseases. Risk of pregnancy. Life ruining consequences. So it was safer to abstain. 

And love equally scary. What if I chose the wrong person? What if I broke someone’s heart? What if they hurt me? 

Better to stay away. 

Working with my body in very specific and informed ways held the key to releasing all of this and a whole bunch of other stuff that was holding me back from fully expressing myself – and thus from finding love. 

I continue to work with body-based practices in my coaching practice because it doesn’t tell stories. 

The mind LOVES stories. And you can get lost in them, talking it out..or rather around it all... sometimes for years. 

And after all of the talking, still stuck. 

Change is more than a verbal process.

You might be easily aware of your emotions, thoughts, and behaviours on a surface level, and may even experience insight into them.

But it’s when you feel all of this in your body on a very deep level, that you can work with it directly, release it swiftly, and experience freedom from whatever it is that is blocking you from the life you want to live.

And the love that is meant for you. 

Don’t get me wrong, accessing the power of the mind is important. It’s critical that body, mind and emotions (or heart) are all activated and in sync.

And that’s just the thing. ALL PARTS OF US need to be in sync in order for us to truly make progress and move forward. Into feeling, behaving and thinking differently so that we get different results in life. In dating. In relationships. In intimacy. AND in sex. 

It’s all there.

Releasing the blockers, body mind and soul is key to being able to show up on dates, in relationship, and in life as your fullest most authentic self. And be loved for it. 

It also allows space for you to access the wisdom that you hold within. And that is easily accessed through the body as well.

If you’ve already done lots of self-development work and have talked it out…

And perhaps have also tried some reiki, meditation, yoga, mindfulness, breathwork, shamanic healing, plant medicines, you name it…

Just like I did.

Here’s the yurt in Peru where I first experienced ayahuasca – powerful medicine!

And you’re still stuck. 

Then body-based therapeutic catalytic coaching with me might be right for you. 

Book in a free 15 minute chat with me to find out. 

“I’ve changed. I know how to deal with my emotions better. I allow myself to feel. As a man I’ve not felt I can feel anger, jealousy or sadness for instance. With Andrea I’ve learned how to feel strong emotions so that

It’s a different sort of coaching and it’s opened my eyes to new ways of being. I’ve had access to practices and exercises that are not readily available in the world.

It’s completely different from anything that I’ve already done. 

I’ve gotten clarity on how to access what I want in my relationship. And it’s paying dividends.

Communication is more open and my relationship is stronger. I have the tools I need to have that.”

— Rev

“It has been a week of releasing years of being in fight or flight mode.
 
I have slowed in body and breath, checking in when I am tense and holding belly, jaw, breath and releasing it. 
 
I have been ruled by this underlying trauma all these years. The work we are doing is flushing it out.

Just by the simple act of creating space for my pleasure and being supported by you in it, a huge chasm of shame has disappeared, replaced with a sense of love and the deep knowing that my pleasure is within my own grasp and no one else’s. 
 
I recognized the reason for the reaching for and grasping from others I have done so much if in my past relationship on SO many levels. I was overlooking that the depth of my power lies right here, in me.
”

—   Sophia

“Never once before in my 60 years had the concept been shared with me that my male body and my sexuality held deep, powerful, trustworthy sacred wisdom. Certainly not believably. Quite the opposite, in fact. 

Since our work together, I trust instead, or at least certainly far more than ever before, my own deepest truth, sense and vision.”

— Tim

3 ways to experience more pleasure (and less pain) in sex

When it comes to accessing your pleasure, all it takes is a shedding. A shedding of that which blocks you from feeling pleasure fully – or at all. 

Over the years, battle with the world, past relationships, rejections, sexual confusion, negative messaging from society and culture around sex and our sexiness is collected in our bodies. 

We build up a kind of protective shield like body armour to batten up our defences – and to stop us from feeling the yuck of all of that. 

Problem is, it also closes us off to the good stuff – the nuanced experience of exquisite sensuality – and from the experience of orgasm. 

So we end up feeling nothing at all in sex (with ourselves or with others). 

Or intense physical pain and discomfort during sex – exactly the opposite of what we hope to experience!

Good news is, you can learn to unlock your body and shed the armour you’ve built up. Peel off the layers. Feel sensations of pleasure and connection with ourselves and our partners.

Here are 3 ways to start the process of de-armouring your body: 

Breathe

Breathe into the parts of you that are stuck or numb or in pain. Imagine that the breath softens these places in you, relaxes them, and that you are breathing in space into your body.

Sound

Give voice to whatever you are feeling. Allow whatever sounds that want to emerge to come out. With no judgement on what or how it’s sounding. It’s all welcome.

Safety + Love

Reinforce a sense of safety and love in your body by reminding yourself that you are in fact safe (as long as this is true and you are physically and emotionally in a safe place.

Remind yourself that it is safe to feel. Safe to cry. Safe to be vulnerable. Safe to express whatever is there even if it doesn’t look or feel nice.

And love yourself for going there.

Feel into your heart as you repeat to yourself – You are safe. You are loved. I love you.

Remember that this is a journey that takes time. Every body is different. Every timeline is different. 

Know that whatever you experience, wherever you are with this, is exactly right. 

You are perfect. 

Create Love – Part 2 : Overcome resistance and roadblocks

Before sitting down to write this, I realised that I ‘needed’ a coffee. And then that the laundry ‘needed’ to be run. Oh, and then I remembered that an email ‘needed’ responding to…and then...and then…

Let’s call this like it is – Resistance!!

Some part of you is resisting your moving forward to getting the love and partnership that you want. 

Resistance can rule your life if you don’t watch out.

So it’s best to learn how to work with it.

If you made it this far, you are ready to actively create the love that you want in your life. You have a clear idea about what that looks like. You may already have started to create that by bringing it into 5D* – embedding it in your mind, body and soul. 

* I explain the importance of 5Ding what you want into all parts of you here: Create Love - Part 1 - The fastest (and surest) way to the relationship of a lifetime.

If you’ve done Part 1, you’ve begun to experience what it will feel like on a daily basis to be in the relationship that you envision. 

And you’ve got a daily practice in place to support you in this. If you follow the 5D model, that’s a daily recording you’re listening to at key moments in the day. 

And then…resistance shows up

What is resistance? 

Maybe you start to ‘forget’ to do your daily practice of listening + feeling. Or you think that you might be better served by more rest and drop back to sleep. 

Those are some of the symptoms of resistance.

Symptoms of resistance can look like:

• Tiredness (my fav…think I need another nap)

• Boredom

• Procrastination

• Busy-ness / no time

• Irritability + crankiness

And then the voices start and you get totally thrown off track:

• You begin to doubt whether it’s even worth it

• If it matters that much

• If it’s really attainable

• And even whether you really want it

And you move from the tangible feeling your future relationship in your hands NOW, to a drop back into your old self (your old vibration) and the old familiar way of being. 

Say what?!!? 

You’ve owned up to the fact that a partnership that lasts is the single-most important thing for you right now – it’s at the top of that long list of desires – and now you’re telling me that you’re not even sure you want it? 

Watch out, because that’s fear and self-doubt at play. NOT what your soul truly wants.

So what is really going on here? 

What is the root cause of the resistance?

It’s super easy to fall back into old beliefs and their corresponding thought and behavioural patterns because like well-paved roads – they feel familiar. And in that familiarity they feel safe.

So whilst we begin to understand how they limit us and our potential for new experiences, we continue to cling to what is safe and familiar.

The obvious problem with continuing down the well-paved road is that it will lead us where we’ve already been and NOT in the new direction. The new direction which will lead us to the new reality of the relationship that we’ve so clearly defined in the 5D process and have begun to feel in our bodies as real and attainable.

Well-paved roads are in fact, sets of learned beliefs and associated emotions from culture, society, our families and other past experiences that want re-writing. 

Resistance is the part(s) of ourselves that are trying desperately to hold on to these old ways and want to continue down the old well-paved roads.

These parts of us buried deep in our subconscious have yet to believe we’ll survive a different way of being.

They need reassurance that the new way we wan to live is going to be ok. And that you’ll survive it.

So how do we access these parts of ourselves that are resisting and show them we are ready to move forward?

The parts of us that carry the old beliefs and associated emotions get stored in our bodies on a physical level. And as such can be accessed through the physical body where we release them and free ourselves.

Talk therapy attempts to do this by accessing the analytical mind and the underlying emotions. As our minds are masterful at spinning stories. Many of us are familiar with the term ‘the monkey mind’ to describe our overactive brains. Getting beneath all the chatter to discover what is truly going on can take anywhere from several months to many years.

Whilst talk therapy can help many people, there is a faster and more direct way to reach the deeper parts of you that are resisting change. And that is through the physical body. 

How to access resistance and can I do it on my own?

You can learn to do this on your own. It’ll take some practice. And it’s much easier to do once you’ve been guided by a coach like me through a process called focusing.

Step 1

You’ll want to get quiet and still like you would in meditation or visualisation practices. Bring your focus inwards and let your eyelids gently close. This will help you really tune in to what is going on in your body.

Step 2

Bring to mind and really feel the emotions and sensory experiences of your 5D reality.

Step 3

Scan your body starting from the top of your head and working your way down. Feel into where the resistance sits – is it a heaviness in your belly? A tightness in your chest? A burning or numbness somewhere in your body?

Step 4

Once you locate the resistance bring your full awareness and attention to that place in you. Drop fully into the physical sensations of it so much so that you feel as if you have become the sensation.

Step 5

Begin to ask this part of your body the following and see what responses bubble up. Don’t try to make sense of it or figure it out, just see what arises:

What is your purpose?

What are you doing for me?

What do you need from me?

What do you need to know in order for me to move forward in life?

The answers that you get are the keys to giving yourself what you need so that you can realise your desire for relationship.

How to move forward

Once you’ve identified what is really going on and have identified what it is that you need to move forward, now it’s time to find a part of yourself that can give you this.

We’ve all got ‘power pieces’ inside of us that can support us in moving forward. There are parts of us that contain the strength and wisdom to support us to move forward in life.

Here’s how to access them:

Step 1

Repeat the body scan you did whilst still holding the vision for your future in your body mind.

This time notice the parts of your body that feel powerful and supportive. Maybe it’s a warming in your belly or a tingling in your arms.

Step 2

As this part of you if it’s willing to give you what was asked for so you can move forward.

Step 3

Have this part of you connect with the part of you that showed up as resistance so that it can ‘see’ you’ve got it covered.

Gently come back to the room and open your eyes.

Write down the ways that you can move from this place of power in your life.

For example, if your power piece showed up in your belly and resistance was in your throat, what are some ways for you to voice your truth or communicate more powerfully when with someone you are attracted to.

Consistently living from your power is what will allow you to create the healthy relationship you want in your life. You’ll be confident, grounded and your magnetism will draw in love.

How can a coach help

I’ve done the best I can to explain the powerful process I bring people through to get very fast results, however it is nothing next to experiencing it with expert guidance.

This is a deep process and requires some degree of connection with one’s own body and internal world – and it is not for everyone. Those who struggle to connect with their bodies and emotions but are open to doing so can be guided however and also experience excellent results.

The skill and experience of my abilities as a coach comes from years of working with this combined with other powerful modalities has proven to perfectly prepare people for exactly what they want – and they get it. Read what they have to say here.

In addition, it takes dedicated practice to pave a new road. I’ll be there with you to ensure that you stay with it and get what you want in life.  

We’ll journey together.

If you’d like to learn more about working with me, send me an email at andrea@lushcoaching.com

I offer free 15 minute intro chats to understand if coaching with me is right for the both of us.

3 surprising secrets to deepen intimacy - even if you are single

Like love that endures the test of time

And sex that remains powerful, potent, exciting and on fire long after the initial sparks and chemical cocktail in your body have subsided

Intimacy, that which brings us close and gives us the experience of being accepted for exactly who we are must also be cultivated.

And often created.

Actively.

Sitting around and waiting for love to come knocking on my door didn’t really work for me. Neither did obsessive action like serial dating or hours of swiping.

All of that outward focus didn’t do sh*t all.

Inner work did.

So I am going to share with you now the top 3 ways on how to create more intimacy in your life.

Yep, you guessed it – it starts by looking inwards.

Intimacy key 1: Truth-telling

What stories are you telling yourself? What narratives might your clever mind be weaving?

Might they sound like, ‘I don’t really have time right now for a relationship – work is really full on and anyway I have great friends.’ or ’I’m just not the kind of person that people are attracted to’.

Face your truth, however painful and scary so you can begin to own what you want.

Start by getting really radically truthful with yourself. Own your desires and what you really want in love – and in life, no matter how out of reach they feel.

It might sound like, ‘I really do want a relationship. And I’m going to carve out space for it. Though work is demanding and I care about my career, what matters most to me right now is doing what it takes for love to enter my life.’

Allow yourself to feel the pain of not having those things (you only get a few mins for this, it doesn’t help to get stuck here). It’s palpable.

Love yourself for the wanting.

Then, shift into knowing that you are doing what it takes to get there.

And know that you will if you focus on it.

Whatever we give time and energy to eventually comes to us.

Intimacy key 2 : Eye-gazing

Eye-gazing is simply staring into someone’s eyes for 2-10 minutes. No talking. Just holding a soft focused gaze.

What? Don’t I need someone else’s eyes to gaze into for this one?

Nope.

Got a mirror?

Looking into your own eyes is incredibly potent. It may feel silly at first, but if you stick with it, oh the things you’ll ‘see’ about yourself.

Let me know how this one goes. I’d love to hear.

Intimacy key 3 : Pleasure map

Through touch. For this one, you just need a bit of creativity and some time alone to experiment with the type of touch that you most enjoy.

And where.

Knowing your own body, what turns you on – and off – is key to experiencing the levels of pleasure that are available to you. And the closeness that this brings first to yourself as you drop deeply into your body. And build connection with it. And trust in your own pleasure and ability to access and experience it on very deep levels.

Then once you’ve understood your own pleasure map – charting where on your body you experience the most pleasure – you can invite in another to share in the experience.

One of the prevailing myths of our time is that lovers are supposed to ‘just know’ how you like to be touched. Not many of us are mind-readers so I’m not sure how this one has lasted as long as it has.

Asking for what you want allows you to receive the pleasure you want. And makes the job of the giver satisfying and rewarding as they support you in your pleasure.

And this beautiful, informed dance of giving and receiving pleasure brings 2 humans ever so close.

Start with you.

And where you are at.

Go easy with yourself.

Let this be the evolution that it is meant to be.

And enjoy the journey.

Dating + Love after Divorce

I used to think that people who were divorced had an advantage on me – at least they had managed to get married ONCE (sometimes even 2 or 3 times, somehow lapping me!!). 

Now I know that those of us who have been single for most of our lives and those coming out of divorce share a few things in common. 

One is a sense of not really knowing ourselves fully.

We feel as if we’ve lost ourselves somewhere along the way. 

Those in marriage giving too much of themselves or thinking always of others. 

And us singles who get enveloped by work or busy-ness.

And we don’t really know where to start to get back to centre. 

To re-find…or find for the first time parts of ourselves 

That have yet to be discovered.

We feel lost.

And lonely. 
And alone. 
And have no idea how to crawl out of that place. 

If you’ve never really been in a relationship your entire adult life – regardless of the fact that you have a lot of incredibleness to share with someon
You feel like you’ve got no experience to fall back on. 

No points of reference. 

No, well when that worked out it was because of this…

And if you HAVE been in  relationship and it’s fallen apart

And that relationship was called ‘marriage’

Which was supposed to be forever

You want to do everything in your power not to repeat what just happened. 

And you feel like you have no idea how to do that.

And what if you mess it up again.

In both cases you feel like you are learning from ‘ground zero’ as my friend and colleague Andrea Tan shares with me.
You have no idea where to start. 😳

The truth is, whether you’ve never been loved or have loved and lost, the first steps forward are knowing yourself from the inside out. 
Getting back in touch with centre – with who you are at your core. 

A kind of remembering. Or getting to know. 

So that you can feel whole and full and alive and confident and sure of yourself. 

And from this place of fullness love outwardly

So that what comes back at you is a person who has done that journey too. 

And together you create something totally new. ✨

Not based on too little or too much past experience

But on what you are NOW. 

And that is a you that is powerful and beautiful and already full.

Here’s where Andrea recommends you start by SLOWING DOWN and feeling your way thru. Even tho slowing down to feel is the last thing you might want to do as you go through divorce.

Here’s a 3 step process to help get you through:

1. Express fully your Rage + Sorrow - You carry lots of emotional weight after divorce. Get it out! So you don’t carry it with you to the next relationship. Punch pillows for 20-30 mins. Set a timer so you don’t go over that limit + get stuck in the hole of those emotions. Do this over a number of days, weeks, months until it’s all out.

2. Learn what you like - Go on dates with yourself. Have each date be themed by one of the 5 senses - eg. a date on taste would be trying different restaurants / foods you like. This process helps in remembering or knowing for the first time, what makes you uniquely YOU.

3. Create a vision board or statement - of the person you would like to be in your next relationship + how you would like that relationship, and life, to be. This is so that you can stay focused on who you want to be as you go through the divorce. It keeps you from falling back into old ways of being that were not supportive of you being your fullest self. It prevents you from attracting the same type of person that you’ve just left behind back into your life.

Forgiveness 360• Rant + rave to truly forgive

I help people create new love in their lives that is healthier + happier than they’ve ever had in the past.

It’s not magic that I perform, though some have said it feels like that. 🧙‍♀✨🔮

I simply help people to see what keeps them from new love happening.

And we clear it. 🌬

And I set them up for what they came to me for: deep connection and true partnership, trust, support and understanding in love + intimacy.

Because there’s nothing like wrapping yourself up in the arms of someone whom you truly trust, of knowing the deliciousness of their scent and inhaling it deeply into your body, of not only having someone on your side, but creating a life together that is so much more than what life looks like alone.

It’s often a unique combination of things that keeps one from this kind of crazy, sexy, out-of-this world kind of love.

But there are also patterns that I see over and over again that block people.
And one of these is hanging onto ‘dirty laundry’. 🧺

‘Dirty laundry’ is simply old love (or what looked like love) hanging around that needs processing.

It no longer is fit for purpose. It no longer serves.

It needs to be cleaned and cleared, so that whatever new thing that wants to come in can.

And enter into an environment that has plenty of space, light and fresh air.  

So that it can grow deep roots + expand and grow and thrive. 🌱🌿🌳

And be its own thing. Something completely new. 💓

One of the ways to clean + clear is to develop a strong practice of what I call, Forgiveness 360

Forgiveness 360•

 A Step-By-Step Process to rant + rave and truly forgive

1) CLEAR - Grab a pillow. Imagine the person you want to forgive sitting across from you. Let it out!! Shout, scream, *&£$&*. Let whatever you feel, anger, frustration out! This is YOUR TIME! Set a timer for 5-10 mins so you don’t get lost in it all.

2) HEAL – Sit with yourself and observe how your body feels (you might find some space) and notice what emotions rise and fall. Then, fill yourself with good vibes. Imagine love energy or sunlight energy filling into your body.

3) SHIFT – Recall the situation from this new vantage point and try to understand how you might do things differently next time so the same situation does not occur. Maybe it’s setting new boundaries within yourself or saying ‘No’ more. Own your experience.

Solo Tantra 101 - Polarity: Get the sparks flying

My first 3 years of learning tantra were when I was single.

I practiced tantra on my own.

I share with you a basic tantric principle 💥 that of polarity 💥 

Or the push pull of life.

The magnetism that draws you to another person for instance.

Steps to increasing + practicing Polarity:

1. Decide if you want to be in the Go or Flow state

2. Transition fully into Go or Flow (most people are in Go - I give tips on getting into Flow)

3. Practice being in the state you choose. Partnered dance is a great way to practice.

The Go state is one where you are focused, have a sense of direction and movement and at the same time be present enough to feel into where the person in Flow is and respond.

Those in Flow states dance and move around the Go state person. There is power in the flow state as one cannot exist without the other. And people in Flow must listen into the Go state person so that they can receive the signals from them. The state is one of receptivity and relax.

Tantra is a vast philosophy and as rich as the ancient tradition from which it stems.

🧘‍♀🧘‍♂

Practicing on your own will help you to:

- to draw in love

- feel more sexy and alive

- awaken your body to pleasure

- become a master lover so you can share this with another

You could spend a lifetime studying it and only ever scratch the surface.

I recommend starting now.

Expand into new ways of being – how to be a brighter you

Lousie’s work bridges Western philosophy and psychology and Eastern esoteric traditions and shamanism.
She knows the power of each and taps into both to help you understand what you learn.  

She does this so that you are able to take the gifts of the experience and apply them to your NOW so you can live the life you want.

You will learn practical ways to understand and fold the experiences you have into your life to support your own thriving.

- what it looks like when you experience a growth spurt (aka spiritual awakening)

- how to listen for what wants to 'emerge' when this happens

- and be with the feelings, thoughts and emotions that come with it

So that you can come into being a newer, brighter version of yourself instead of running away and pushing down what wants to come out.

We also speak about:

- expanded states of consciousness - from meditation to plan medicines

- and how to interpret the language and learnings that we experience in these states

So that new meaning can be brought into our lives.

Your sexy mind : reasonable, emotional and WILD

When we have sex, either with ourselves or with others, some of the most pleasurable experiences happen when all parts of us are ok with it.
By all parts of us, I mean all parts of our brain – and all parts of our being.

🧠❤🔥
In neuroscience we understand ‘all parts of our brain’ as the triune brain or 3 part brain (neocortex, limbic, reptilian 🦖 -- really?!!).

Similarly in ancient taoist tradition, our 3 energy centres (mind, heart + sex centres) must be ‘in alignment’ or in agreeance for us to experience the most powerful sex ever.

🧠❤🔥

Cutting-edge science meets ancient wisdom.

How sexy is that?

How to burn thru resistance + get the love you want

In this video you’ll learn 5 ways to burn through resistance in 2019 with fiery courageous love. 🔥

We have an intense desire for something – strong love, a lasting relationship, more connection + pleasure in sex.

It may be the thing that we want most in the world.

We may even have done some hard work on targeting what it is that is holding us back.

🎯

And (if you have a good coach - hehe!!) you’ve even outlined some simple things you can do to get you where you want to go.

But then all of a sudden you feel too tired to do them. You start to question whether it’s going to work. You procrastinate or feel bored with it all or annoyed that you’ve go to do this when for everyone else it came so easily.

😤

And so you RESIST.

Our minds are weird – how all of a sudden do we feel annoyed + bored with getting what we really want so badly?!!

🤨

Because change is a funny thing. It can feel scary and weird and in general our bodies and minds don’t like it.

🤯

Even if change means that we’re going to get something that we’ve wanted maybe even our entire lives.

😶

And so I’m dedicating the first part of my 2019 on burning through my OWN resistance.

Because without doing so, nothing else on my list for 2019 will happen!

And whilst I may have started my process off with jumping off a cliff, working through resistance can be much less dramatic and just as effective.

Unless of course you too would like to go for drama. ; )

😱

Feel sensational in bed by breathing in a whole new way

Let me be honest with you, when I first started to do a thing called “Breathwork” I HATED IT. 
I mean really, truly, fiercely hated it.

And yet it proved to be one of the keys to me opening up my body to pleasure after years of it slowly shutting down to sensation. 

On some level over the years I realised what was happening to my body. I’d stay the course, plowing through long hours of work and focus on a career that I loved. 

But it was too much computer time. Too little movement. Too much focus and not enough play. Not enough time outdoors. 🤕
Numbness took over. 

Years of it.

But with Breathwork as one of my basic yet super potent tools, I slowly broke through. 🤯

It didn’t happen overnight. 

And I still have a lot of resistance to doing Breathwork sometimes. Like going to the gym, you know it’s super good for you and you’ll feel better afterwards...it’s just so hard to GET there sometimes.  

But I keep at it. Because time and again I find it works.
It brings me back into my body. And allows me to feel whatever it is I need to feel so that I can get back to good again. 😌

And feel sexy and alive. And whole. 🌬

I talk about the breath. How it’s opened me up. How I still use it all the time in lovemaking and in life. 

I believe it’s the new yoga of our time. You might have already heard about it. And if you haven’t then come hear how it can help you too. 

How to have emotionally safe sex

So you've heard of ‘safe sex’. Condoms are it, right? Maybe you’ve even got into the habit of asking the consensual other if you could both share test results before having unprotected sex. 👏

And this is great. It all keeps you biologically safe.

But what about the protection that your mind, heart and soul need when you want to have sex with another?

Can you count on one hand, two ...or is it more… the number of times you’ve:

• Kissed someone when you weren’t ready

• Hugged someone when you didn’t want to

• Or slept with someone when you weren’t that into them, perhaps in the hopes that it would make you feel more alive in some way or at least you’d feel like a normal functioning human

Can you remember how you felt afterwards? 😔 Any one of the following come to mind: 

• Disappointment – it wasn’t what you’d hoped

• Disconnection from your body – if you just don’t let the yuckiness sink in and stay with you you can somehow disown the experience

• Feeling scared or extra vulnerable after sex

• Being left with the feeling that sex just isn’t that good and you don’t know why you even tried to do it in the first place

• A feeling of rejection or disgust with yourself, the other person or sex in general

You’ve probably just had ‘emotionally unsafe sex.’ 😯

Never heard of it? That’s ‘cause we just don’t talk about it. 

But if you are looking to fall in love, it’s one of the worst things you can do as you’ll most likely experience a general closing down of your heart to love. 😶

Not to mention the effects it has on your body as it relates to lovemaking, even when you are with someone you want to be with. 

And so, in the interest of getting you fully ready to let love in, I’ve invited Emma Spiegler, expert in the subject and fellow Sex, Love and Relationships Coach to teach us: 

🍒 How to recognise what not feeling emotionally safe feels like in the body
🍒 How to make more informed decisions to know how to choose emotional safety
🍒 How to start to practice saying yes and no (even if it’s just a kiss)

So that when it comes down to falling in love you’ll feel strong and ready to dive in with an open heart that is, at the same time, deeply protected. ❤

How to find calm when the sea of love is rough and tumbles

We all get to a point in our lives when things feel too heavy to bear. When our breath draws short and our minds feel unable to navigate the twists and turns of all that is happening within and outside of us. 😔

It might happen in the early stages of dating or in a bit later in love or very far down the line. 

The fact of the matter is that connection with another, true connection where you show your heart even when it’s risky...especially when it’s risky...can turn things upside down in a minute. Or seconds. 

And you find yourself unable to breathe. Forget about thinking as your mind races or slows to numbness. 🤯 And it all feels unbearably weighty. 

Like you can’t move. 

The chances of feeling overwhelmed by emotion when travelling towards deep love are pretty high. 🏋‍

I teach a quick simple practice taken from mindfulness that allows all of the above to happen, but also creates some space and within that space some peace even as you hold, feel, and experience intense emotion. ❤

It’s helped me catch my breath again and come back to balance, even if only for a moment, when the going gets tough. 

And this has made all the difference. 

It doesn’t necessarily fix things, but it does bring some sense of calm in the midst of it all. And within this a sense of deep love. 

And you learn to hold yourself through, however imperfectly, the eye of the storm. 🌪

With love, calm and some stormy clouds 🌬

Pleasure: the best thing to do for your health

“Consider a discipline of pleasure to be an investment in your health. A joyful heart and a body that experiences pleasure and nurturing are your most reliable health insurance.”

Dr. Christiane Northrup, Goddesses Never Age, The Secret Prescription for Radiance, Vitality and Wellbeing

I love this book by physician Dr. Christiane Northrup. You might have read her other best-seller and classic, “Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom”. Somehow I skipped that one and came right to “Goddesses Never Age”. ✨

And I’m glad I did. (Though I do plan on reading “Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom” too.)

Dr. Northrup writes about the scientific evidence that supports what I’ve learned through experience to be true: that healing happens through experiencing pleasure in your body on a regular basis.

This is what I find most interesting about this phrase in the quote above, 'Discipline of pleasure'. We're very good about being disciplined at work, with family responsibilities, paying the bills. 

I'm asking you to begin to bring some of the spirit of discipline, making something a priority and dedicating yourself to it, to the pleasure you experience in your life. It will change your body, your mind and your soul. 

And whilst pleasure doesn’t necessarily have to be sexual for you to feel the benefits, it’s definitely one of the most beautiful ways to experience blissful states of being – and as a result, fantastic health.

What you'll learn

In this video, I introduce you to a super sensual and oh so delicious tantric ritual that will get you right to the epicentre of pleasure: your body.

Sexual pleasure is an experience of all of the senses which are accessed through our body. The more you can drop into your body in sex whether solo or in company, the more pleasure you will experience.

And the more pleasure you experience, the healthier you will be.