Breathwork: One woman's very personal experience

Oli, a beautiful, vivacious and sensitive woman who came to me wanting to experience her relationship with her long-term partner more fully without obsessively worrying that she’ll get bored or that he’ll leave her.

This became possible as we uncovered parts of Oli that needed and wanted love and acceptance. The uncovering of these pieces of Oli came in part, through Breathwork.

Today Oli enjoys the safety of her own body, celebrates the power of her mind, and lives a healthy relationship full of love and pleasure like she never has before.

Here’s Oli’s experience of the practice in her own words….

There’s something about the breath that is so powerful. I mean, it keeps us alive right? 

But coming to learn that working with the breath to achieve different states of mind and body is truly magical. Since studying Drama in school, I quickly learnt that a lot of us don’t breathe properly - that is we take shallow breaths into the chest - and this affects the way we move and speak on stage, as well as creating unnecessary tension.

Taking deep belly breaths can make room for expression, volume and pause, as well as releasing unwanted tension. 

So I knew that on a base level, deep and shallow breaths can shift your disposition.

However, only since working with Andrea do I now understand the capacity of breath as a practice of healing. A method of finding inner bliss and accepting inner wisdom.

My First Go at Breathwork

In a recent session with Andrea, we decided to work on a continued source of tension for me. The fear of rejection, loneliness and feeling unlovable. We came up with a mantra, an intention, a truth, for my psyche to acknowledge during the practice.

“Whether I am alone or with friends, I am loved no matter what.” 

While Andrea played some relaxing music, I shook out any surface level tension, and then began with some peaceful and relaxing breaths. Then moved into the Breathwork.

Breathing in through the mouth, into the chest, then the belly, then out through the mouth. After a few rounds of continuous breath, the pattern became faster, and I noticed a lot of tension and fear building in my body. I felt the familiar pain in my throat show up intensely. A tingling spread throughout my body, particularly my fingers, and was guided to let out whatever needed to come out. 

I cried. I wretched. I shook. I kicked. I wailed. I growled. I wanted whatever was holding me back, out of my body.

Andrea repeated my mantra: “Whether you are alone, or with friends, you are loved no matter what.” 

This was hard to hear and I cried some more. Trying not to judge it but let whatever needed to happen, happen. 

After what felt like a really long time, I let go of the Breath and Andrea guided me into a state of calm. I resourced (located a soft part of my body) from my belly and then my pleasure, holding myself in warmth, safety and sensuality, breathing deeply into my pleasure. Stroking different parts of my body, my neck, my inner thighs, inner arms and face. Letting the pleasure wash over me. 

However, even in the state of calm after, I still felt a little tense, particularly in my throat. After a few more deep sighs, I cried again. Letting the tears flow and the bliss wash over me. 

“Whether I am alone or with friends, I am loved no matter what.” 

Holding myself in this truth, I knew I had more work to do, but felt relieved at the awareness and the path I am on. 

The Second Go at Breathwork (Solo)

Trying this practice out on my own for the first time was a different experience, as I find myself holding back from letting go completely without the ‘real time’ support of Andrea - but an audio guide. However, with more practice I trust that I can do this. 

Again, after a quick body shake, I took myself to place of calm with deep full-bodied breaths. With Andrea’s voice in my ears, I was guided to set an intention. I chose “a gentle practice of letting go of whatever shows up.” I chose gentle considering it was the morning and I wasn’t prepared to go deep without live support on my first solo go. However, I tend to wake up with tension in my chest, and was open to releasing it in this practice. 

I was now familiar with the breathing pattern, and began to feel the tingling sensation and lightheadedness. As the pace quickened, I was guided to start releasing whatever was coming up for me. 

I felt tears roll from my eyes - I wasn’t necessarily crying, but more like when you do a big yawn, and tears come from the release. I stretched and shook. Though when I was told to Sound, I held back most noise, fearing judgement from my housemates or people passing by my open window. (Next time I’ll let go of this).

But I did ask for a gentle practice, and when I felt myself going too far, the build up of panic and intense tingling, I took more normal breaths. 

I continued to release tension from my muscles and my face, yawning and releasing. 

Towards the end, I was guided into pleasure. This felt so nourishing and with the sunlight on my face through the window, I felt spacious and calm. Ready to take on the day. 

Dating – the long game. How to keep it fresh when you’ve had enough

Pretty much everything in this world has seasons. 

And cycles. Even dating.

And thank goodness. 

There will be times when you have lots of dates with prospects that have potential and that line up easily. 

And other times when things seem to slow down. 

Despite the effort you put in. 

The key is to go with the flow. 

You actually don’t have to be out there all of the time dating like mad.

It’s actually good to take a pause from dating. 

Especially if you hit dating fatigue. 

Recognise and Maximise the Dating Seasons

Spring: 

You feel excited by the prospect of meeting new people. 

Whether in person or online. Doesn’t matter. You are open!  

What to do: 

Take fresh photos. Update your digital presence. Your WhatsApp thumbnail to your online profile. Keep it real. And current.

Shift your profile to reflect a new you. We’re constantly changing and evolving. Review the words you use to describe yourself. Are you accurately and authentically represented? 

Flirt. With everyone and everything.

Summer: 

Let the dates flow. Say yes easily when it feels right. 

Keep a gentle hold – feel positive about the good dates and release as much as possible from a desired or expected outcome. 

What to do: 

Dress the part for each date – for yourself. Your joy. Your happiness. Be the person you’d want to fall in love with – inside and out. Show up as you, fully you.

Fill up. Appreciate and be grateful for each experience for what it gives.  

Autumn: 

Let go of that which wants clearing. Clean the space in your body, mind + soul. Know that whatever you’ve experienced is getting you closer to where you want to be. 

What to do: 

End any beginnings that don’t feel as if they are moving forward. Or moving in the direction that you’d like them to move in. Be honest and upfront. Speak your truth. 

Trust the process (dating is a process). Keep the faith. 

Winter: 

Be quiet. Go inward. Explore your inner world. Notice what feels most nourishing and healthy for you.  

What to do: 

Nothing. Or next to nothing. Rest and recover. Spend time alone. Or with good friends. Or family.

Ground yourself.

Women love sacred sex. What is it and how do you do it?

Many men come to me sharing that they are tired of sex (especially masturbation) that feels empty and unfulfilling. 

After self-pleasuring, they wonder if it’s possible to feel good rather than empty or guilty about what they’ve just done.

And in partnered sex they want to experience more connection. 

But what makes sex sacred? 

Sex can indeed be something more than just a release of stress and / or built up unexpressed sexual energy. 

More than an ‘activity’ that you add to the task list to ’do’ with another person. 

Sex can make us feel more whole and complete. 

• Nourished. 

• Empowered.

• Uplifted.

• Loved.

When the sex we have is sacred it does all of this and more – it takes us out of this world. 

Sacred sex:

• Shifts how we experience ourselves. 

• And it changes how we experience one another.

• We ‘wake up’ to parts of ourselves that we’ve hidden away or denied.

• And this makes us feel more alive.

Women (like men) crave sexual experiences that fill them up not just with pleasure, though that’s definitely desired but with

Fullness and a sense of wholeness. 

So that they come away from sex feeling completely nourished and satisfied. 

Guys often want to know how to be the best lover that their partner has ever had.

Here are 3 ways to bring her there via sex that is sacred: 

Intention

Set an intention to set the tone of your experience. 

Clear intentions direct the experiences we have. 

Keep your intention focused on what will serve you (and your partner’s) deepest desires and aligns with your highest values (eg truth, honesty, compassion, self-knowing, love). 

Examples of exalted intentions are: 

• To fully connect with your partner and stay with the experience no matter how challenging

• To discover new flavours of your own pleasure

• To love and accept yourself and your body no matter what happens (or doesn’t)

You can share the intention with your partner or you can keep it to yourself. 

Presence

This is perhaps the most important aspect of what makes sex feel sacred. 

Presence is what women want most from the men that they are with. It’s what they ask for time and time again. 

Women want to feel that you are there with them completely. That you are with them in the experience. 

When they feel that you are fully there, they can trust you. And when they trust you, they can relax into their own experience and have access to their own pleasure. 

How to do have more presence in bed: 

• Commit to being fully in your body and not in your head by coming back to your physical sensations over and over gain. 

• Commit to staying with whatever she experiences – whatever emotions comes up for her, whatever sounds come through, whatever movement she makes. Let it all be ok. 

• Commit to slowing way down and being more versus doing.

Tip: Beat the porn. Learn to Bridge:

If you use porn or fantasy to stimulate you, you’ll likely find it hard to get out of your head. Practice bridging when you masturbate. If you use porn when you self-pleasure, shift your focus from your head or external stimulus back to your body.

Over time you’ll be able to stay more in your body and with the experience and be less in your head (and not fully present).  

Ritual

Our primal brains (the deepest part of our brains and the oldest part of our being) love ritual. 

We can relax deeply into an experience when we know that there’s a beginning, middle and end.

In a ritual space we know that we are totally safe and won’t be disturbed because we’ve created a closed container for that experience to happen in.  

Here’s how to set up a space for the ritual of lovemaking: 

Time: 

• Set aside dedicated time - 15 -20 minutes.

• And respect it 

• Show up for yourself. And for the other if with a partner. 

Spontaneous lovemaking is great. But there’s nothing like scheduled time for sex – it gives us something to look forward to and can be very exciting.

Environment: 

• Tidy up the area so it’s clean and orderly.

• Change the sheets or make the bed.

• Lower the lights

The mood should feel grounding and good to body, mind and soul.

Sex is sacred when you 

• Feel loved and seen – in itself a form of worship

• Are nourished by the experience of it – it fills you up 

• Connect more with who you truly are  – aka ‘awaken’ to the truth of you

There is much more to sacred sex than this.

3 sexy summertime aphrodisiacs

And let’s face it - dating can be stressful.

I’m here to help you make pre-date feel luxurious by encouraging you to indulge in the luscious sips I’ve selected.

Aphrodisiacs are super fun.

And delicious.

And sexy. 

Dive in!

---

Chili Lime Mango Margaritas

Sexy ingredient: Chili

Effects: Relieves anxiety symptoms

How: Goodbye butterflies! Releases the chemicals endorphins (relief of pain) + dopamine (reward + pleasure) in the brain which can trigger euphoria similar to a runner’s high

Get the recipe here.

Fresh Mint and Ginger Lemonade

Sexy ingredient: Ginger

Effects: Plumping of the lips. Increases libido.

How: Improves blood flow and circulation naturally. Antioxidants to help you feel and look your best.

Get the recipe here.

Iced Hot Chocolate (with Rose Petals - optional)

Sexy ingredient: Chocolate 

Effects: heart opening. Energising.

How: two chemicals it contains - tryptophan, a building block of serotonin, a brain chemical involved in sexual arousal. And phenylethylamine, a stimulant released in the brain when people fall in love.

Get the recipe here.

For extra romance add a sprinkling of rose petals to your glass. Mmmmm…Thanks to Meredith at Food at Heart for this gorgeous suggestion.

Soft truth: 

The amounts of the sexy substances in these summery drinks are likely too small to have any actual measurable effect on desire according to science.

But I know that filling yourself with pleasure is the best way to counter nerves and bring sense of ease and joy to you that will transform how you date. 

So if a placebo brings pleasure. I’m in.

How to get more message responses from women online

There’s nothing worse than sending out message after message to women online – some who actually look great – only to get back…well, next to nothing. 

You try various approaches from messages straight from the heart, to a copy and paste-er you found somewhere online that worked well for sooooo many guys out there – just not you. 

You go and tell yourself all women on dating apps suck. 

Or worse yet, that it must be you. 

Well, neither of those stories is actually true. 

The fact of the matter is that messaging via online apps is something of an art form. 

One that can be learned and leveraged to get you

• More responses

• Faster

• For fun dates with quality women that you’ve actually got a connection with

Here’s how. 

In any good, healthy conversation there is balance.  

The quality of the exchange is based on each person’s ability to both 

• share authentically and meaningfully

• and feel seen and heard

It’s a 50/50 balance that’s established from the first few messages with someone. 

Here’s how to establish and maintain this balance

So that you can go from right swipe to first and then second date more quickly and easily than before. 

And actually enjoy the flow. 

Messaging stage 1 : Quality connection > Build rapport

Authenticity is key right from the start. 

In order for you to ‘share authentically and meaningfully’, you’ve got to genuinely be interested in the person. 

Women I speak with constantly complain that the first message…and 2nd…and 3rd..that they get from guys they definitely DO NOT respond to online are ones that go like this: 

Hey, how are you? Looks like you’re into some cool stuff. 

It feels copy / paste, totally generic, and meaningless.  She feels like just another number.And your message gets ignored.  

You want to bring value to the conversation in the very first message so she feels seen and heard by you. 

SO 

You want to read her profile, even if it’s brief. 

Why? 

Because if you just flash through her photos, you risk making snap judgements about what you see and end up writing a boring, bland message like the ones above. 

You don’t have to overanalyse what you find. 

After all, you’ve only just come across this woman and we’re not there yet for that level of investment from you. 

What you’re looking for is: 

• Something she’s included that you’re genuinely curious about

• A common passion or subject area of interest

• A quality of hers that you appreciate and can call out 

Notice that in all three cases, something about her has truly caught your eye. You really do want to know more. 

Now you are you are perfectly placed to send the first message. 

Sample message: 

I see you’ve been to Mexico. Amazing. I’ve always wanted to go there. 

What did you love about it? 

Pro tip:

Ending messages with questions prompts a response from the other person and makes it easier for them to think of a reply.

Average number of messages exchanged in this phase: 

3-4

Messaging stage 2 : Stay light + laser focused on the outcome > Ask her out 

Intentional messaging is sending light, conversational messages that are focused on an outcome –asking her out on a date that’s fun for the both of you. 

In the next few messaging exchanges, keep a gentle focus on an actual date so that the chances of you actually meeting up are greater. 

Suggest activities or places you could meet that are in sync with her interests. 

In the post-Covid era we find ourselves in, it is not uncommon to ask a woman onto a video chat prior to meeting her in the ‘real world’. 

This helps to avoid the endless back and forth that used to happen in the online dating world. Hurrah Covid! We’ll take the small wins.  

If you decide to take this route, have in mind ideas for a few dates that speak to her interests – and yours. 

In this day and age, even modern women like men to take the lead. 

This is not a hard and fast rule – there are plenty of women who will ask you out.

But by inviting her out after a few message exchanges to places that you know she’d love you show her: 

• your level of interest

• your fun and creative side

• your confidence and willingness to follow words with action

So when it feels right, go for it. 

Sample message: 

‘Hey, are you free next week to meet up? I saw that the Mexican place down the road just opened up again. Based on what you told me about the great food you had in Mexico, I think you’d enjoy it. Would you like that?’

Pro Tip:

Don’t wait too long to ask her out. Take the risk if you like her. Breadcrumbing is a real thing, and women will become wary of you if you hesitate because you feel shy or your confidence drops.

Take a deep breath (or 10!!), relax into your body, and tap ‘send’.

Pro Tip:

If you hop on a video chat and are not interested in taking it further, thank her for her time and gracefully end the connection. 

Sample share: 

‘It’s been great connecting with you, however I don’t feel there’s enough of a connection from my side to take it further.’

Average number of messages exchanged in this phase: 

3-4

And that leads me to the final stage…

Messaging stage 3 : Invest further + stay genuine > Ask her out again

At this point if you’ve been on a date or a video chat, you may have gotten her phone number. 

If not and you’d like to continue seeing her, go ahead and ask her for it. 

If you enjoyed the first date and would like a second, don’t hesitate to let her know. 

The length of time in-between a first and second date varies considerably from person to person and there are no hard or fast rules. 

What you do want is to maintain the connection you’ve created. Video chats and messaging in between dates supports this. However nothing can replace that in-person connection. 

So when it feels good to you, ask her out again. 

Pro Tip:

If you’re not sure how much you like her yet, it’s absolutely ok to take your time in getting to know her. If she asks, be sincere and genuine about what you are experiencing. Stay in your truth. It’s the foundation of all relationships. So if you want to give this one a chance, stay in radical honesty and share what you are feeling. 

The quality of the responses you get from a woman will help you determine her level of interest. When you use the formula above, you create meaningful connection with another. And gauging her response will tell you whether it’s worth your time and effort to take it further.  

Remember, conversations, even simple sincere early-dating ones, are a 2 way street – ‘It takes to to tango’ as they say. 

Continue honing your messaging skills to set the stage for meaningful connection [ Stage 1 ], stay gently focused on the outcome (a date) [ Stage 2 ] and maintain authentic communication [ Stage 3 ] and you are well one your way to online dating success.   

Body, mind, and emotions – coaching my way engages all of you for deep, lasting change

My relationship with my partner is deeper than I could have ever imagined, and only continues to blossom.

Looking back and remembering previous tensions I held in my relationship reminds me of how far I’ve come. 

Here is Oli’s personal story of how using one of my favourite MBE Coaching techniques called ‘Focusing’ helped her move from fear around vocalising what she wants to healthy and open dialogue on all subjects with the man she loves.

Discovering that I could locate emotional trauma living in my body in the form of physical pain was a revelation. I had been struggling with this lump in my throat for a while before I began my work with Andrea. 

It was painful and uncomfortable and I knew it was linked to my anxiety, but I was completely clueless as to the deeper meaning of it and that I had the capacity within my own body to clear it, bring myself to safety and heal from a trauma that happened so many years ago.

Focusing was developed by psychotherapist Eugene Gendlin as a psychotherapeutic process that uses sensation to clear the body of unresolved feelings, and to make space for new possibilities. 

The first step to this is recognising your own “felt sense”. This goes beyond logical thoughts and feelings, and taps into the body for wisdom. This can be multiple wisdoms - multiple points in your body that provide information. 

Discovering that I could locate emotional trauma living in my body in the form of physical pain was a revelation. I had been struggling with this lump in my throat for a while before I began my work with Andrea. 

It was painful and uncomfortable and I knew it was linked to my anxiety, but I was completely clueless as to the deeper meaning of it and that I had the capacity within my own body to clear it, bring myself to safety and heal from a trauma that happened so many years ago.

Locating My Inner Child 

During a session, we bring my state of consciousness into a meditative one. A place of calm peacefulness. I body scan to notice all the subtle energies flowing through my body - a practice I have been doing in my meditation for a few years - but little did I know this was going to be much different. 

I remember the first time we did this clearly. The lump in my throat, present, and during the body-scan, strong. Andrea would ask questions like “what does it feel like?” “what does it look like?” “what colour is it?” “how old is it?” - which on a logical level doesn’t make much sense at all. But on some basic emotional level, interesting and unpredictable words followed my feelings. 

This lump in my throat became personified. It became a child. My inner child. Crying out for attention. Having spent years of looking after me. Protecting me. She was sad, angry, frustrated, confused, spiky. 

With the words came tears. Tears that were representative of my inner child needing a voice. 

I was filled with fear for my voice to be heard. I was blocked from telling the truth from a lie that was told that deeply traumatised me. A wound that needed healing. 

With talking therapy, I learnt to vocalise my fears, but with Andrea, I’ve been able to do much more physical work and locate deeper, inner truths. Discovering that my body holds infinitely more answers than my logical mind.

This was important, because in therapy I continued to repeat the same story over and over again. The bodywork broke me free, and unlocked things I didn’t know needed unlocking. I’ve been able to find the answers within myself.

“Felt shift” is a part of the Focusing process where your experiences guide you to a better place of understanding yourself.

Locating My Inner Goddesses

As the tears poured, Andrea told me to body-scan again, this time locating a place of safety in my body. A place of softness, squishiness, sturdy groundedness. I found her, and I’ve since found multiples of her. In my belly. In my breasts. In my upper arms, and in the centre of my head. My inner goddesses. 

Using this visual meditative practice, Andrea guided my inner child to explore the soft areas of my body. To move around, play and feel free from the pain and responsibility of protecting me. 

My inner goddesses regularly show up in these practices. They provide warmth and strength. They take control and offer insane amounts of wisdom. 

Words flow from feeling. Again nothing logical about it. But incredibly powerful, that I come out feeling blissful and born again. 

In the 6 months I have been working with Andrea my throat does still show up. But she is calmer, and I know how to soothe her. I feel much more in control of my state of mind, and know that I have the powers within me to heal. 

Where I used to find communicating my fears to my partner, my friends and my family next to impossible, it all comes to me a bit easier now.

I am more confident in opening up a difficult conversation - where before I would sit on my anxiety for months, only to have it blow up in my face later on. 

In this space of release, you allow room for newness to emerge. 

Focusing opens up a dialogue between the mind and the body. While the mind has one take on what’s going on, the body has others, more subtle, more intricate, and nuanced in the way it understands the situation, gives meaning and provides context.

Not everyone is ready to work straight away with their mind and body through Focusing. Though many of us are accustomed to emotionality and feelings, working with the body brings us that much deeper.

So I choose the tool, practice or process to meet you where you are at and we work from there.

3 signs she’s just not ‘emotionally available’

Guys are often charged with the accusation of not being ‘emotionally available’.

That you are not able or ready to share your deep, rich emotional world with women – or anyone for that matter. 

The same can be said however, for many women. 

Not all women are willing to open their hearts and bear all to anyone who comes forward – even if (and sometimes ESPECIALLY if) that person is a man whom we fancy. 

So how can you tell in early stage dating, that she’s actually ready for the deeper connection you crave and that gives meaning to intimate relationships?

Here are 3 things to watch out for:

Deep talk vs cheap talk 

You talk for hours and hours about all of the ‘things’ happening in her life. The people she meets, the activities she does, the world around her. 

BUT she never go deep into what’s really going on within. You know facts and figures. The people and places. 

You don’t know how she feels about it all or what it all means to her. 

This after several very long conversations.   

It’s all about you. 

She lets you go on and on about you. It’s flattering at first. She seems very curious to learn about you. So you open up. About the small stuff…how you love to cycle, your boat, your favourite albums. And about the big stuff…how you were bullied when you were little and it hurt, how your brother is your best friend, the things that give your life a sense of purpose. 

And after the patter of your voice dissipates, she fires another question at you and off you go again. 

BUT she reciprocates with short answers to your questions about her and deflects them back to you. 

You realise that once again, she gives away very little about her inner world. 

She doesn’t walk the walk.

She has an active social life with friends and family and does lots of activities. You’re glad that she’s got an independent spirit and life of her own

BUT there’s very little space for you in it. She keeps putting off dates. And it feels like your two universes never quite eclipse. 

You get the sense that there’s an invisible wall up – it’s there even if you can’t see it.  

I’ll be frank with you – a shortage of time isn’t the issue. We make time for things we care about and are invested in. So whilst a part of her wants to be in a relationship, another part of her isn’t quite there yet – and it likely has nothing to do with you. 

Pursuing a woman feels challenging and fun for some. However you do not have to convince or cajole someone into spending time with you. Check in on how much you are giving –  and whether she’s truly ready to receive  graciously the gift of your time and attention. 

Deep connection – the kind you crave not just in your relationship but in sex too – begins with each person’s ability to be vulnerable with one another. 

And whilst trust-building is something that takes time, some women need to do the deeper level work on themselves before any bridges you create to build this trust can be crossed.

Let your voice be heard in bed – and experience more pleasure

I used to really hold back in bed. 

I was afraid of what my neighbours might think if I made too much noise. 

I was afraid of the noises that wanted to come out – some of them were veeeerrrrryyyy far from sexy. 

And so I’d clamp down on my vocal cords and barely let out a peep during the whole event. 

Knowing what I know now, that was totally CRAZY. 

When you open your body fully to allow for the free-flow of energy through it, you allow for the full and full-bodied experience of pleasure.

Opening your body up fully involves letting loose your voice. 

And not just the performance-based sounds you hear in films and movies. You’ll want to work with the full range of sound available to you to understand what enables the best sexual response. 

This has been my personal experience AND there’s science behind it. 

Visceral sounding that comes from deep within you can trigger the vagus nerve, one of the main nerves that runs throughout your whole body from your brain all the way down to your cervix, uterus and vagina. 

The ups and downs, the rhythms, the tonality and range of your voice can activate this nerve, increase its connections within the body and facilitate orgasm and pleasure.

The vagus nerve supports relaxation in your body. It gets you out of the ‘fight flight freeze’ state which inhibits sexual arousal. 

As you relax, your sexual energy is free to move like an electrical current through your vagus nerve all up and down your body.

Once I allowed myself to ‘sound’ freely, my whole experience of sex changed. 

But it didn’t just happen over night. It took some practice.

How to use sound in sex: 

Mind preparation

Let go of judgement.

Don’t worry about what the neighbours will think, what your partner will think, or even what you think about the sounds that come forth. 

This is a grand experiment and we’re here to learn, not to perform at the Scala. 

So we want free-form and lots of trial and error. 

Repeat this mantra throughout your practice:

It’s good to sound. 

It’s good to sound. 

It’s good to sound.   

Heart preparation

Accept yourself for whatever you experience. 

And for whatever your ‘sexy sounds’ are – they’ll likely be very different from the Hollywood version. When was anything that came from Hollywood real anyway? 

It’s sexual linguistics - we’re here to learn what yours sounds like. 

Love yourself for even going there. Like a sexy explorer, you’re out to experience pleasure like it’s never been experienced before! And that takes courage, humility and bravery. 

You’ve got all of that!! Go for it. 

Repeat this mantra throughout your practice:

It’s beautiful to sound. 

It’s beautiful to sound. 

It’s beautiful to sound.  

Body preparation

Let your jaw drop open.

Inhale and exhale out of your mouth.

Bring your focus to different parts of your body – to your pussy, to your breasts, to your belly, to your legs. 

Notice the sensations there and then…SOUND THEM OUT. 

Give your womb a voice, your ovaries, your vagina, your labia and move throughout your entire body.

Your entire body is an instrument of erotic bliss.  

Wake it up with sound. 

And experiment!! 

Repeat this mantra throughout your practice:

It’s safe to sound. 

It’s safe to sound. 

It’s safe to sound.

Enjoy the liberation that sounding in sex brings.

Curious to know if it works for men too? Read my post on sounding for men here.

Sound: use it to experience wild, full-bodied pleasure for men

Sex is like surfing. 

Learn how to ride the waves of your sexual energy and you’ll feel it’s magnificent force as a full bodied pleasure experience.

And who doesn’t want a full-bodied experience of pleasure? 

If you could control your ejaculatory reflex and spread the experience of arousal throughout your whole body, rather than having it just centered around the head of your penis, why wouldn’t you? 

In order to do this, you’ll need to be able to fully surrender to your turn-on, like a surfer surrenders to the power of the wave. 

In surrendering, the surfer relaxes into the rise and fall of the power of the ocean beneath him. 

At the same time, he remains open and connected to his body. He is completely present.

Same thing with sexual arousal. 

When you learn to relax into your pleasure and ride the wave versus clamping down on it, repressing it or controlling it you become super sensitive to pleasure. 

So much so that you can move and spread that energy throughout your body and experience expanded states of bliss.

Open, surrendered, and connected are the states you’ll need to be in to ride the waves of pleasure.

One of the most powerful tools for opening yourself up to these states is to use your voice. To ‘sound’.  

Sounding in sex is allowing your body to have a voice. 

It’s giving sound or voice to whatever part of you wants to express itself in that moment. 

It’s allowing whatever sounds that want to emerge from you to come out however they want to come out. And not judging them. 

Often times we are ashamed of making noise during sex, and we clamp down on the sounds that would naturally come out. 

This could come through years of adolescence where masturbation happened on the down low and as quickly as possible so no one would hear.

And so men are expected to emit an occasional grunt or groan, but not much else in sex. 

Women are also assigned a set of ‘proper’ sounds during sex. 

But as is so often the case, what we are sold as acceptable ‘normal’ sex sounds are scripted for Hollywood or porn and are limited. 

We humans are much more interesting than that. 

So let yourself go. 

You can get used to the sound of your own voice first in masturbation. Self-pleasure is a great place tp start. Let the sounds come forth wild an uninhibited, and you may just find that the powerful raw sexual desire, lusty and potent, rises within as well. 

You may feel a bit silly for it at first. Remember that no one is watching.

Full-bodied pleasure is yours to be had. 

Claim it.

The more you love and accept yourself for your truest, fullest expression, the more you open yourself up to being loved exactly this way by another. 

Journaling: A simple powerful tool to build confidence in dating and relationships

Journaling is a great way to work through the tough stuff and really know yourself. 

And really knowing yourself (and loving yourself for being YOU), is what actually builds your confidence from the inside out so that when you are on dates or in a relationship you feel grounded and confident no matter what happens.

Knowing and loving the parts of you that you’ve pushed into the shadows, the parts of you that you’ve been ashamed of, that you’ve feared being, the parts that feel like they are not worthy of love is especially powerful.

Acknowledging and accepting these parts of you allows you to stand in your full power. To show up as your fullest self.

And to open your heart and mind fully to another person – feel safe in doing so. There’s nothing to hide.

So if you want a deep, connected relationship, let’s get you started writing.

What you need

A journal or notebook. It doesn’t have to be fancy.

Your favourite pen / pencil.

A daily practice of writing. This can be anywhere from a few minutes of free form writing (whatever comes to mind). Or a more structured practice like the one I share below.

Get started - Journaling the Shadow

Shadow work (getting to know the parts of ourselves that we tend to push back into the shadows of our mind and hearts) is a fantastic way to create more compassion for ourselves. Here’s a way into shadow work through journaling.

Step 1: Write down 3 things you'd hate to be accused of

For example, many men are afraid of being accused of being selfish, mean, a bully, weak, or a pushover.

Step 2: Write down a time when you actually were this way and what resulted from it.

I was very selfish in my last relationship and it made me feel alone. My partner eventually left me.

Step 3: And another time when it served you

I was selfish when I decided to stay home from a family gathering because it would have been too stressful. I'm glad I stayed home because it was what I really needed. 

Step 4: Own this part of you fully

Say out loud – I am a selfish man. Feel it in your body. Know that it's only a part of you – a part that sometimes serves you. And so it is welcome and necessary – when the time is right.

Still not convinced? Hear me out.

I remember when I first met Naz. 

I was late for our first date – a picnic in the park.

It was a bright sunny day outside and we sat for hours chatting and munching on small bites as the clouds shifted quickly across the deep blue sky. 

Naz shared with me not only the good parts of his life – where he’s travelled to, the friends he has – but also the challenging stuff. The things that hurt and were hard. 

We went deep. 

It was only afterwards that Naz told me that he doesn’t normally share the tough stuff with people he’s just met. 

Or with anyone for that matter. 

When you accept all parts of you, exactly as you are, that’s when the magic happens. 

Naz felt confident enough in himself that day to open up and reveal parts of him and his life that showed me the man he was. 

The guy I fell in love with. 

Was he perfectly 100% confident in all ways? Nope. 
Was it enough? 
Yep. 

It was.

Learn about my bespoke men’s coaching programme and apply to work with me on building your confidence from the inside out.

What C-suite execs need to know about keeping what's private private as dating and intimacy move further into cyberspace

‘Make sure that you use a pseudonym on all documents you share with me.’

When you’re a relationships coach for C-suite leaders at high-profile tech companies, privacy and security are of extreme concern. And when the subject of conversation is intimacy, even more so.

‘Like Albert Einstein or something. Yeah, call me Albert Einstein,’ he insisted. 

And so it was. 

Dating has moved into cyberspace – the lockdown commands online connection as a first port-of-call in getting to know someone. And increasingly, as a 2nd and 3rd and 4th as the weeks in ‘isolation’ roll by.

Zoom dates are the new norm. And as things heat up, intimacy moves online as well. 

Sexting is the new language of love. And video dates become more and more steamy over time.

I’ve pulled together this guide to protect your privacy online. 

So you don’t have to call yourself Albert…unless you really want to.

Safe sexy Zoom room for your date

How to stay safe and secure on a Zoom date so you can relax and enjoy it. 

Be the one to host the Zoom meeting and...

• Use a plain wall or Virtual Background to protect anonymity

• Chat Auto-Saving Off

• Keep updating the Zoom app whenever you can for the latest security updates

• Never use our personal meeting ID, instead allow Zoom to create a random number for each meeting

• Require a meeting password

  • And we check the sharing link to be sure it doesn’t contain it if posting publicly

  • “Copy Invitation” functionality might include your meeting password

  • We look out for an unusually long URL with a question mark in it, which indicates it includes our meeting password.

• Never ever use your Facebook sign-in 

• Do not share the link or the meeting ID on public platforms

• Set screen sharing to "host only"

• Disable file transfer

• Disable "join before host"

• Disable "allow removed participants to rejoin"

  “Attention Tracking” Off 

  Further reading: https://sextechguide.com/privacy/zoom-bedroom-safe-secure-privacy/

  Recommendations from the Electronic Frontier Foundation (EFF.org)

Sexting privacy: 

What to look out for: Secure = strong end-to-end encryption 

No one can see what you share during a call. 

If someone intercepted your messages, or found them on a server somewhere, they would see gibberish, not the actual text of a conversation. 

Signal 

Most Secure Overall 

1:1 Video + Messaging platform

Signal is also open-source, peer-reviewed, and routinely audited, which means it’s pretty much always up to date from a security standpoint.

Consider other platforms

These other platforms for video / chatting are also secure. 

Zoom has had privacy challenges in the past so do your homework and go with what feels best to you.

Read more about the options below here: 

https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2020/apr/08/zoom-privacy-video-chat-alternatives#maincontent

Jitsi Meet

Secure video platform for online meetings

Skype 

Secure video + chat capability

Facetime

Secure video + chat capability

Long live online love!

Calm, nourish and stabilize yourself - body, mind + soul

I’m sharing this FREE audio-guided grounding deep meditation practice 

To stabilise and nourish you body, mind and soul

Download the audio files here

Being human has never been easy

But that doesn’t mean we have to do this alone

Especially in these exceptional times

So here’s one of my favourite practices from my coaching programme for those wanting to create love in their lives. 

Filling yourself up with good, nourishing energy is key

It allows you to share love from a place of fullness and overflow

And by doing so you attract in more of the same

Right now we all can use filling up with all the love we can get! 

And unlike loo roll, there’s an infinite amount of love on the planet to draw from. 

So put on some calming music

Hit play on the audio

And soak it up

So much love from me to you.

Starting a relationship in the era of Covid-19 is possible. Here’s how.

Ok so I’ll admit it, whilst I’m not a huge proponent of online dating I did meet my current partner on Tinder. 

And for many others in long-distance relationships, cultivating a new relationship over the digi-sphere is nothing new. 

So whilst I encourage people to meet in person quite quickly after they meet online, this strategy has shifted considering the environment that we live in. 

And since we don’t really know how long we’ll be living in partial or full lockdown, I wanted to prepare you for whatever comes.

Here’s how to date in the era of Corvid-19:

1. Make tech your friend. Go online, but not obsessively.

Update your profile if you have a dusty one. Or create a new one if you’ve never had one to begin with. 

You are aiming for maximum authenticity in your profile. A true representation of you. It’s difficult to be objective about ourselves so run your online persona by a friend or two who aren’t afraid to be honest and ask if they feel it’s an accurate representation of who you are. 

Don’t spend more than 7-10 minutes a day (!!) on the app. And once you’ve swiped right on 9 people, halt the motion and work with those 9 humans. 

More tips on how to best play the dating apps from dating expert Nichi Hodgson.

2. Cyberspace is the place to be

Should you meet in person?

No!

Even if your potentially soon-to-be sexual partner shows no symptoms, they could be a carrier of coronavirus. This is NOT a sexy ‘how we first met’ story for the grandkids. It’s just not. 

Fortunately we have the tech to help bridge the gap between the static 2D photo of us online and our living breathing 3D selves. Skype, Zoom, WhatsApp…the options are there.

Ok so meeting in a video conference isn’t exactly the 3rd dimension but it’s close enough for now. 

Whilst you won’t get the potentially intoxicating hit of someone’s scent or feel the temperature of their touch, you’ll get lots more info than if you are simply texting or speaking on the phone. 

3. How long do you wait before hopping from text to video? 

Same rule applies here as they did in a corona free world – the sooner the better. 

You can get a pretty good sense of someone from meeting them via video. 

Just keep in mind this is still not the full picture. Some people are actually quite different in ‘real life’ than they are even ‘on camera’. 

And it takes quite some time to really get to know someone well enough to qualify them as relationship material. 

4. How do I show up strong on a virtual date?  

I recommend following all the ‘in person’ etiquette you normally would: 

• Be on time

• Dress the part

• Be fully present

Set aside the time separate from work. No sneaky dates in between WFH meetings.

Take time to switch from ‘work mode’ to ‘date mode’.You don’t want to bring your badass boss attitude to date time…unless that’s your thing.

Change your clothes, preen. Present yourself as you would on a date.  Be ready to engage fully with the person on the other end of the line.

If you do decide to buck social distance protocol and meet in person (not recommended), be safe – meet in a populated public space like a park in daytime. Let someone know where you’ve gone. And until you reach a high level of trust and safety, don’t meet at each other’s homes. 

5. What to do on the first few dates

Again, this follows ‘real world’ considerations: 

Make the first few dates short ones. Have a virtual coffee together. Or a virtual vino. Though keep in mind alcohol compromises the immune system so you might want to skip the bubbly. 

Gradually up the time you spend together over time. Long-distance relationship pros often decide on an activity that connects them such as low commitment games like Words With Friends. 

You can then work up to candle lit dinners.

Watching Netflix together is also good. Ok it’s minus the cuddles, but those will come soon enough. More on bridging the physical intimacy gap later in this article. 

Whatever you decide to do together, communication is key. To maintain the connection though, you have to be vulnerable.

Being vulnerable means sharing your emotional world with another in an open and honest way. It involves a bit of risk taking. And discernment as you decide whether you are ready to trust another with the landscape of your inner world. And if they are ready to receive it. 

Read more about how to be vulnerable here.

Vulnerability fosters emotional intimacy and even mental intimacy.

But what about the physical stuff?

6. When is the right time to ‘go all the way’? 

As things heat up between the two of you, physical intimacy may come into the picture. But how, you ask?  And when’s the right time for that? 

We don’t talk about sex enough – with our long-term partners, with our friends – never mind with our dates. 

So I see this period as an exceptional opportunity to establish open communication around what you like, what you don’t like, and how you want it. 

In fact, communication is SO key to having better sex, that this could be the beginning of the best sex you’ve ever had simply because you have set a precedent that talking about what you want is ok.

Getting comfortable with talking about your desires and listening to your partner’s as well can be a challenge. 

It involves letting go of the shame that we’ve learned to associate with sex. 

It also demands a high level of trust. You don’t want to share anything that you are not ready to, not even verbally. Know your boundaries and respect them. You don’t have to be with someone physically to feel violated. 

If it’s just not feeling right, then get out fast. Slam that laptop shut. 

The ‘right’ time is when you both feel ready to up-level on intimacy. We can take a leaf out of the book of long-distance lovers who recommend starting slowly with sexting on WhatsApp (more secure than messaging) and working from there.  

And as in the ‘real world’ make sure you are taking care of yourself through a healthy self-pleasure practice. 

It’s beneficial to let this become habit as healthy sex, whether solo or with someone, boosts the immune system (key right now), allows for emotional expression and improves mental health. 

It takes the pressure off of our unrealistic expectation that our partner should want the same amount of sex that we do at the same time. As if! 

Make sure you’re getting a regular dosage of nourishing solo sex – it’s one of the best things you can do for yourself – and your sex life. 

You don’t have to wait for the coronavirus to pass before moving forward with your personal life. You can do the ground work now to prepare you for the partnership of a lifetime. 

Email me here to sign up for a free 15 minute clarity call: andrea@lushcoaching.com

Change is more than a verbal process - The power of working with your body

Sitting behind a computer year in and year out, decade in decade out takes its toll on a body. 

Don’t get me wrong, I loved my job in technology for many reasons. I felt like a pioneer in the early days of the dot com era in New York City. 

And I loved the mental challenge of the work. And the creativity that innovation required – my fellow ‘web designers’ and I were virtually creating things ‘from scratch’ as the internet itself was just newly born.  

However my body wasn’t loving it. I felt a palpable shift to city life from a childhood spent outdoors. 

In New England the seasons are well defined. And one thing suburban sprawl allowed for was a clear sensual experience of the bite of intense bone-chilling cold in winter, springtime awakening to brightness, technicolor and lightness of the new, a mellowing into sultry sweaty summer days at high-intensity heat to  the crisp autumn crunchiness of leaves under feet and once a return to the clip of chill in the air.

20 years of revolving doors, closed office spaces cut me off almost entirely from the rhythm of the seasons. The intense mental focus and ‘toughening up’ to big city life and a corporate career asked for – demanded I felt – a shut down of feeling and flow in my body. 

And my innate sensuality. 

There were small escapes…swims in a chlorinated blue rectangle when I could find one, hip hop classes where I could move my body in impossible rhythms. Cooking with spices from distant places all available a block or two away. And an occasional train ride to sandy shores.  

It was not enough. 

I also felt the incredible absence of touch. And the solitude that comes with that.

In my family amongst my siblings we are quite tactile. Perhaps it’s because we’re of the Mediterranean, maybe it’s because my mother encouraged play and closeness amongst us. 

I realised just how nourishing and just how much I needed touch only when I no longer had it around. 

I work with the body [ guided hands off practices only ] as much as the mind and emotions of the people who come to me for coaching. This is because the body holds so much of the weight of the past.

For me it held on to years and years of shut down and turning off so I could be productive and efficient. And to protect myself from those I was attracted to but also feared – sex was dangerous. There were diseases. Risk of pregnancy. Life ruining consequences. So it was safer to abstain. 

And love equally scary. What if I chose the wrong person? What if I broke someone’s heart? What if they hurt me? 

Better to stay away. 

Working with my body in very specific and informed ways held the key to releasing all of this and a whole bunch of other stuff that was holding me back from fully expressing myself – and thus from finding love. 

I continue to work with body-based practices in my coaching practice because it doesn’t tell stories. 

The mind LOVES stories. And you can get lost in them, talking it out..or rather around it all... sometimes for years. 

And after all of the talking, still stuck. 

Change is more than a verbal process.

You might be easily aware of your emotions, thoughts, and behaviours on a surface level, and may even experience insight into them.

But it’s when you feel all of this in your body on a very deep level, that you can work with it directly, release it swiftly, and experience freedom from whatever it is that is blocking you from the life you want to live.

And the love that is meant for you. 

Don’t get me wrong, accessing the power of the mind is important. It’s critical that body, mind and emotions (or heart) are all activated and in sync.

And that’s just the thing. ALL PARTS OF US need to be in sync in order for us to truly make progress and move forward. Into feeling, behaving and thinking differently so that we get different results in life. In dating. In relationships. In intimacy. AND in sex. 

It’s all there.

Releasing the blockers, body mind and soul is key to being able to show up on dates, in relationship, and in life as your fullest most authentic self. And be loved for it. 

It also allows space for you to access the wisdom that you hold within. And that is easily accessed through the body as well.

If you’ve already done lots of self-development work and have talked it out…

And perhaps have also tried some reiki, meditation, yoga, mindfulness, breathwork, shamanic healing, plant medicines, you name it…

Just like I did.

Here’s the yurt in Peru where I first experienced ayahuasca – powerful medicine!

And you’re still stuck. 

Then body-based therapeutic catalytic coaching with me might be right for you. 

Book in a free 15 minute chat with me to find out. 

“I’ve changed. I know how to deal with my emotions better. I allow myself to feel. As a man I’ve not felt I can feel anger, jealousy or sadness for instance. With Andrea I’ve learned how to feel strong emotions so that

It’s a different sort of coaching and it’s opened my eyes to new ways of being. I’ve had access to practices and exercises that are not readily available in the world.

It’s completely different from anything that I’ve already done. 

I’ve gotten clarity on how to access what I want in my relationship. And it’s paying dividends.

Communication is more open and my relationship is stronger. I have the tools I need to have that.”

— Rev

“It has been a week of releasing years of being in fight or flight mode.
 
I have slowed in body and breath, checking in when I am tense and holding belly, jaw, breath and releasing it. 
 
I have been ruled by this underlying trauma all these years. The work we are doing is flushing it out.

Just by the simple act of creating space for my pleasure and being supported by you in it, a huge chasm of shame has disappeared, replaced with a sense of love and the deep knowing that my pleasure is within my own grasp and no one else’s. 
 
I recognized the reason for the reaching for and grasping from others I have done so much if in my past relationship on SO many levels. I was overlooking that the depth of my power lies right here, in me.
”

—   Sophia

“Never once before in my 60 years had the concept been shared with me that my male body and my sexuality held deep, powerful, trustworthy sacred wisdom. Certainly not believably. Quite the opposite, in fact. 

Since our work together, I trust instead, or at least certainly far more than ever before, my own deepest truth, sense and vision.”

— Tim

Maximising Pleasure : The 5 stages of lovemaking

We’re sold the same story over and again – that there is a one fast track to gratifying sex (a.k.a. orgasm) and it looks like this:

It’s as if lovemaking were a sprint to the finish with not much happening before, after...or for that matter even during the act. 

It all happens virtually at one speed – fast. 

And one intensity (or one energy (as I like to think of it) – hard. 

Fast and hard. 

And then 💥 EXPLOSION 💥

Within a few glorious (if short-lived) minutes

It’s all over.

Before it’s hardly even begun.

Some say we learned this way of having sex from porn and follows the male sexual response patterning of fast and hard as porn is made mainly made by men for men (though there are notable exceptions). 

Others blame Hollywood which supports the culminating moment as a ka-pow! With little else. 

The fact of the matter is, the vast majority of us have learned about making love from either or both of these 2 sources. 

And wow are they limited as teaching aids. 

Lovemaking as a JOURNEY OF DISCOVERY

The journey of lovemaking is, in fact, just that – a journey. 

And if you think of the best journeys you’ve been on, you’ll likely tell me that they have been filled with exploration and discovery and adventure.

That there were unexpected twists and turns and unpredictability. 

That there were moments that sparkled with excitement and action. 

And times where you relaxed back into blissful peace and stillness. 

There was a deep connection with yourself and with others through all of it.

And sometimes things worked out as you planned. 

And sometimes they didn’t. 

But it was all just part of the adventure. 

And when you let go enough, there was a natural flow and an organic unfolding that felt right and perfect no matter what happened.

Maximizing pleasure is all about opening up to the possibility of the unknown. 

Of the adventure. And experiencing the variety of what comes. 

It’s about celebrating whatever happens. Of really being with yourself and the person you are with. 

Even if it doesn’t turn out as you’d expected.  

The journey looks something like this: 

And it can be broken down into 5 distinct stages.

Stage 1 : Desire

“Love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery. Love likes to shrink the distance that exists between me and you, while desire is energized by it. If intimacy grows through repetition and familiarity, eroticism is numbed by repetition. It thrives on the mysterious, the novel, and the unexpected. Love is about having; desire is about wanting. An expression of longing, desire requires ongoing elusiveness. It is less concerned with where it has already been than passionate about where it can still go. But too often, as couples settle into the comforts of love, they cease to fan the flame of desire. They forget that fire needs air.”

— Esther Perel, Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic

Sparkling desire: the first effervescent moments of fires lit and butterflies fluttering

Love…or lust...sometimes shows up in our bodies as a spark. 

We’re taken off-guard. It’s unexpected. We feel an instant inexplicable draw towards someone

The butterflies appear as if from out of the blue. Tongues tie. Jaws drop.
Desire can also be slow burning. It can show up as a slow gentle warming. Our curiosity becomes piqued the more we get to know someone

We begin to know them from the inside out

And they become more attractive over time.

However it happens, desire is discovery. Its mystery. Suggestion. Teasing.

It’s an anticipation of exploring the unknown. 

Each time you make love, approach it with the mind of an explorer, open and ready to journey into the unknown, whatever that may bring. 

Stage 2 : Yang

Yang - Crescendo: eros builds sensual touch developing very gradually into rhythm over time warming bodies, hearts and minds cresting again and again in waves of pleasure

Yang erotic energy is outward going, hot, pointed and directional. In this stage of lovemaking, you are building energy and heat. 

This stage begins with sensual, playful, undirected teasing touch, bites and nibbles. 

As your turn-on builds, you can spread it throughout your entire body by imagining it travelling from it’s starting point outwards and upwards. 

Upwards towards your heart and mind and outwards towards your arms and limbs. 

This spreading of your erotic energy (a.k.a. your turn-on) to all parts of your body is what is known as full-body orgasmic bliss. 

Note: We tend to get carried away in lovemaking sometimes by the intensity of the bodily sensations and other times into our heads. 

• Stay present throughout the time you are with someone. 

• 50% of the focus is on you and what you are experiencing, your pleasure. 

• 50% is on them and their experience.

• Keep coming back to your body again and again. To the moment. 

• Maintain eye contact to stay connected to your partner. 

And let go of expectations.

Stage 3 : Yin

Yin - Relaxing back: a gentle relaxing back and deepening into the richness of the exquisite moment

Yin erotic energy is soft, receptive, yielding, liquid, expanding. Relaxing back into yin allows for a deepening of erotic experience. 

It gives space for pure connection and a savouring of the present moment. 

“For sexual union to be fulfilling we need to honor in equal measure, the naturally occurring waves of Yang and Yin that hold the fabric of our formed world together. ”

— Ma Ananda Sarita , Tantra master and mystic

It allows your body to feel the nourishing pleasure cool as it courses through your bodies. 

Only to build again in the next wave.

In yin stages, you can lie with your bodies slightly apart, legs entwined. This allows you to stay connected through soft gaze. You can place your hands on each other’s heart centres. Speak lovingly and gently to each other or not at all. Whatever feels best. 

-- Cycle through yin + yang --

Experiment. Try cycling through yin and yang phases a few times. This allows the energy to build, greatly enhancing your experience. 

Your pleasure journey might look something like this:

First round yang

Sensual touch. Biting. Licking. Stroking. Caressing. Free-flowing movement. Exploration. Open up heart centre + belly. 

Next round yin

Work from outside in coming closer to the sex centre. Allow in more rhythmic movement as free-flow continues. Open up sex centre with direct touch.

Third round yang

Energy builds to overflowing.  Spread the energy throughout your body. Rhythmic movement and edging – relax back from the point of no return and orgasm.

Stage 4 : Spilling over // Storing the Energy

Choice point: Spilling over or Store the Energy

Let go and surrender into orgasm OR take the energy that you have generated and store it in your body to be repurposed for whatever you’d like to do in the world.

Spilling over: 

Surrender into pleasure and bliss allows for a peak experience. This can be orgasm or orgasmic bliss where you let go completely and allow yourself to dissolve into the pleasure. 

Storing energy: 

Erotic energy is creative energy and it can be stored, according to the Taoist tradition, by drawing it into one of your power centres (sex centre, heart centre or 3rd eye). You can draw the energy in by imagining it spiralling into one of the these centres in your body. 

For more in depth understanding of this practice, contact me and I’ll talk you through it. 

Stage 5 : Afterglow

Afterglow: peaceful shimmers...and so...it begins again

Desire is a flame that needs tending to.

And Love is a verb. 

A healthy relationship is warmed by the fires of mystery and desire – give space when it’s needed.

And held together by the safety and security of the closeness of love.  

Yin. Yang. 

Distance. Closeness. 

May the sacred dance between us continue.

3 ways to experience more pleasure (and less pain) in sex

When it comes to accessing your pleasure, all it takes is a shedding. A shedding of that which blocks you from feeling pleasure fully – or at all. 

Over the years, battle with the world, past relationships, rejections, sexual confusion, negative messaging from society and culture around sex and our sexiness is collected in our bodies. 

We build up a kind of protective shield like body armour to batten up our defences – and to stop us from feeling the yuck of all of that. 

Problem is, it also closes us off to the good stuff – the nuanced experience of exquisite sensuality – and from the experience of orgasm. 

So we end up feeling nothing at all in sex (with ourselves or with others). 

Or intense physical pain and discomfort during sex – exactly the opposite of what we hope to experience!

Good news is, you can learn to unlock your body and shed the armour you’ve built up. Peel off the layers. Feel sensations of pleasure and connection with ourselves and our partners.

Here are 3 ways to start the process of de-armouring your body: 

Breathe

Breathe into the parts of you that are stuck or numb or in pain. Imagine that the breath softens these places in you, relaxes them, and that you are breathing in space into your body.

Sound

Give voice to whatever you are feeling. Allow whatever sounds that want to emerge to come out. With no judgement on what or how it’s sounding. It’s all welcome.

Safety + Love

Reinforce a sense of safety and love in your body by reminding yourself that you are in fact safe (as long as this is true and you are physically and emotionally in a safe place.

Remind yourself that it is safe to feel. Safe to cry. Safe to be vulnerable. Safe to express whatever is there even if it doesn’t look or feel nice.

And love yourself for going there.

Feel into your heart as you repeat to yourself – You are safe. You are loved. I love you.

Remember that this is a journey that takes time. Every body is different. Every timeline is different. 

Know that whatever you experience, wherever you are with this, is exactly right. 

You are perfect. 

3 simple ways to find love faster

If you're anything like I was, you're sick and tired of the endless dating cycle by now. 
You'd give anything to make the process of finding love (or as I see it, creating love), faster. 

You may have already fallen in love once or twice before in your lifetime (and if you haven't yet...don't worry – you are not alone). 

So you don't need me to tell you that falling in love is an incredible process of expansion. 

You feel yourself grow almost physically larger than life. Your heart explodes outwards. 
You see the world differently. 

As we get to know another, we see the world – our world – and ourselves through their eyes.

So really falling in love is an expansion into YOU.
You discover more about who YOU are. And fall in love with yourself as much as with another person.

And this is an incredible experience.

Oooo .. wait.. I can hear you now…

“But Andrea, how is this insight going to help me now? I’m single! 
I need to find my person first before I can benefit from this expansion business.”

Bullsh*t, I say. 

Not only can you experience the expansive amazingness of falling in love NOW
But it’s going to help you bring the person that’s going to invite you to know yourself more quickly into your life.  

Here are 3 simple ways that you can begin the process of falling in love NOW and attract in someone who’ll join the ride with you:

1. Fill your own gaps - are you looking for someone good with money because you suck with money? Let me tell you this, people good with money do their best to AVOID those who are not good with it. Looking for an artist type to help you realise your creative side? GET IN THE DRAWING STUDIO and see who you meet when you’re there. Filling the gaps feeds off of the misdirected belief that someone else should ‘complete’ us. Yes, there is a lot to learn from another in relationship, but expecting that other person to fill you up is draining. Learn to feed your own needs and desires in life so you are free to love the other person for who they are – not just what they bring to the relationship. That’s a ‘what can I get from this’ mentality and it doesn’t make for a healthy relationship.

2. Fall in love with your ‘faults’ - Do you look round you only to see people in the world who are non-committal? Or who don’t lack inspiration? Now turn the gaze upon yourself. Is there some part of you that’s afraid of commitment? Or that feels bored by life? THAT’S what wants loving. And some attention. Once you give these parts of you some TLC, then you’ll begin to notice, through inspired eyes, that there’s more out there (and in people) that you’d first seen.

3. Love who you are NOW. What parts of you or qualities in you light your own fire. Add some fuel to that flame and let yourself shine!!! This is a surefire way to attract more of what you already love into your life.

You’ve got this.

Turn up the volume on lovin’ yourself and filling you with what you need, and the world (of lovely available people), becomes your oyster.

Create Love – Part 2 : Overcome resistance and roadblocks

Before sitting down to write this, I realised that I ‘needed’ a coffee. And then that the laundry ‘needed’ to be run. Oh, and then I remembered that an email ‘needed’ responding to…and then...and then…

Let’s call this like it is – Resistance!!

Some part of you is resisting your moving forward to getting the love and partnership that you want. 

Resistance can rule your life if you don’t watch out.

So it’s best to learn how to work with it.

If you made it this far, you are ready to actively create the love that you want in your life. You have a clear idea about what that looks like. You may already have started to create that by bringing it into 5D* – embedding it in your mind, body and soul. 

* I explain the importance of 5Ding what you want into all parts of you here: Create Love - Part 1 - The fastest (and surest) way to the relationship of a lifetime.

If you’ve done Part 1, you’ve begun to experience what it will feel like on a daily basis to be in the relationship that you envision. 

And you’ve got a daily practice in place to support you in this. If you follow the 5D model, that’s a daily recording you’re listening to at key moments in the day. 

And then…resistance shows up

What is resistance? 

Maybe you start to ‘forget’ to do your daily practice of listening + feeling. Or you think that you might be better served by more rest and drop back to sleep. 

Those are some of the symptoms of resistance.

Symptoms of resistance can look like:

• Tiredness (my fav…think I need another nap)

• Boredom

• Procrastination

• Busy-ness / no time

• Irritability + crankiness

And then the voices start and you get totally thrown off track:

• You begin to doubt whether it’s even worth it

• If it matters that much

• If it’s really attainable

• And even whether you really want it

And you move from the tangible feeling your future relationship in your hands NOW, to a drop back into your old self (your old vibration) and the old familiar way of being. 

Say what?!!? 

You’ve owned up to the fact that a partnership that lasts is the single-most important thing for you right now – it’s at the top of that long list of desires – and now you’re telling me that you’re not even sure you want it? 

Watch out, because that’s fear and self-doubt at play. NOT what your soul truly wants.

So what is really going on here? 

What is the root cause of the resistance?

It’s super easy to fall back into old beliefs and their corresponding thought and behavioural patterns because like well-paved roads – they feel familiar. And in that familiarity they feel safe.

So whilst we begin to understand how they limit us and our potential for new experiences, we continue to cling to what is safe and familiar.

The obvious problem with continuing down the well-paved road is that it will lead us where we’ve already been and NOT in the new direction. The new direction which will lead us to the new reality of the relationship that we’ve so clearly defined in the 5D process and have begun to feel in our bodies as real and attainable.

Well-paved roads are in fact, sets of learned beliefs and associated emotions from culture, society, our families and other past experiences that want re-writing. 

Resistance is the part(s) of ourselves that are trying desperately to hold on to these old ways and want to continue down the old well-paved roads.

These parts of us buried deep in our subconscious have yet to believe we’ll survive a different way of being.

They need reassurance that the new way we wan to live is going to be ok. And that you’ll survive it.

So how do we access these parts of ourselves that are resisting and show them we are ready to move forward?

The parts of us that carry the old beliefs and associated emotions get stored in our bodies on a physical level. And as such can be accessed through the physical body where we release them and free ourselves.

Talk therapy attempts to do this by accessing the analytical mind and the underlying emotions. As our minds are masterful at spinning stories. Many of us are familiar with the term ‘the monkey mind’ to describe our overactive brains. Getting beneath all the chatter to discover what is truly going on can take anywhere from several months to many years.

Whilst talk therapy can help many people, there is a faster and more direct way to reach the deeper parts of you that are resisting change. And that is through the physical body. 

How to access resistance and can I do it on my own?

You can learn to do this on your own. It’ll take some practice. And it’s much easier to do once you’ve been guided by a coach like me through a process called focusing.

Step 1

You’ll want to get quiet and still like you would in meditation or visualisation practices. Bring your focus inwards and let your eyelids gently close. This will help you really tune in to what is going on in your body.

Step 2

Bring to mind and really feel the emotions and sensory experiences of your 5D reality.

Step 3

Scan your body starting from the top of your head and working your way down. Feel into where the resistance sits – is it a heaviness in your belly? A tightness in your chest? A burning or numbness somewhere in your body?

Step 4

Once you locate the resistance bring your full awareness and attention to that place in you. Drop fully into the physical sensations of it so much so that you feel as if you have become the sensation.

Step 5

Begin to ask this part of your body the following and see what responses bubble up. Don’t try to make sense of it or figure it out, just see what arises:

What is your purpose?

What are you doing for me?

What do you need from me?

What do you need to know in order for me to move forward in life?

The answers that you get are the keys to giving yourself what you need so that you can realise your desire for relationship.

How to move forward

Once you’ve identified what is really going on and have identified what it is that you need to move forward, now it’s time to find a part of yourself that can give you this.

We’ve all got ‘power pieces’ inside of us that can support us in moving forward. There are parts of us that contain the strength and wisdom to support us to move forward in life.

Here’s how to access them:

Step 1

Repeat the body scan you did whilst still holding the vision for your future in your body mind.

This time notice the parts of your body that feel powerful and supportive. Maybe it’s a warming in your belly or a tingling in your arms.

Step 2

As this part of you if it’s willing to give you what was asked for so you can move forward.

Step 3

Have this part of you connect with the part of you that showed up as resistance so that it can ‘see’ you’ve got it covered.

Gently come back to the room and open your eyes.

Write down the ways that you can move from this place of power in your life.

For example, if your power piece showed up in your belly and resistance was in your throat, what are some ways for you to voice your truth or communicate more powerfully when with someone you are attracted to.

Consistently living from your power is what will allow you to create the healthy relationship you want in your life. You’ll be confident, grounded and your magnetism will draw in love.

How can a coach help

I’ve done the best I can to explain the powerful process I bring people through to get very fast results, however it is nothing next to experiencing it with expert guidance.

This is a deep process and requires some degree of connection with one’s own body and internal world – and it is not for everyone. Those who struggle to connect with their bodies and emotions but are open to doing so can be guided however and also experience excellent results.

The skill and experience of my abilities as a coach comes from years of working with this combined with other powerful modalities has proven to perfectly prepare people for exactly what they want – and they get it. Read what they have to say here.

In addition, it takes dedicated practice to pave a new road. I’ll be there with you to ensure that you stay with it and get what you want in life.  

We’ll journey together.

If you’d like to learn more about working with me, send me an email at andrea@lushcoaching.com

I offer free 15 minute intro chats to understand if coaching with me is right for the both of us.

Create Love - Part 1 - The fastest (and surest) way to the relationship of a lifetime

This is the first of a series of posts where I share with you my step-by-step method to help you actively create exactly what you want in the next decade of your life. Yes, the power is in your hands.

Let’s get right to the heart of it – the key to creating what you want in your life, according to neuroscientists + mystics alike, is to feel in your body – physically as well as emotionally and at the level of the mind – what it will be like to experience the thing that you want in your life now. 

Here’s how you can do that.

Step 1 : Write it out

You can begin this as a writing exercise. You’ll be working with your cognitive mind as you do this. The part of your brain that reasons and analyses things. Your mind, so to speak.

And then we’ll take it into your body where the deeper ‘work’ happens (that’s in Step 2). This deeper work is what takes this from a writing exercise which happens on a cognitive level to the deeper parts of your mind, the subconscious, where the actual change will begin to happen.

Our subconscious mind dictates 90% of what we do each day – the choices we make that set us up for creating healthy relationship and thriving. Or for avoiding what’s actually good for us or worse yet, missing it when it’s standing right in front of us.

Consider the following as you write: 

Physical reality (3Ds)

I desire a relationship that… 
Consider they type of person you’d like to be with and the relationship you’d like to have them, from the core values that you share such as trust and honesty, to the things you’ll do together like travelling or cooking. 

Emotional Reality (4th D)

I’ll feel…

Consider how you’ll feel when you have this person in your life. 
What emotions you’ll most experience
What more this person will bring to your life
What you’ll experience differently

Embodied Reality (5th D)

I see / hear / taste / smell / touch or feel…

Consider what will you experience through your 5 senses as you realise the thing you desire. 
Note: When I take my clients through this process they often describe things like the taste of their lover as they kiss them, or the perfume that they are wearing. 

Tip: Write it out by hand. Studies have shown it sticks better when you take pen to paper. 

Step 2: Re-programme mind + body

Now that your cognitive mind is onboard with the love and relationship that you’re going to create, let’s get your subconscious mind lined up too.

Record what you have written and listen to it daily first thing in the morning when you’re in that ‘almost awake’ state. Or as the last thing you listen to right before you drop off to sleep. 

When you’re in this drowsy, super-relaxed state, but not yet asleep, your brain waves are flowing at a frequency called ‘theta’. It’s when you have maximum access to your subconscious even though you are in a semi-conscious state. Now’s the time when you want to re-programme.

Tip: Super power your recording by adding theta wave music to bring you deeper. This will help bring you into a more relaxed focused state which allows your words to sink deeper into your mind to the level of the subconscious.
Your subconscious mind will now begin to work 24/7 with its new programming secured in. It will select instances and influence choices that you make in your everyday life that will support you in creating a new kind of relationship – the one that you know you really want.

Pretty neat, huh? Yeah, I think so too. 

This is what places my coaching practice on the cutting edge – and makes it so effective so fast. This body-based approach incorporates all parts of you on the deepest levels. And sets you up for a new experience of relationships and love. Schedule in a free call with me to speak with me about how you can speed up finding your person through this unique form of coaching.)

Step 3: And repeat. And repeat. And repeat…

You’ll want to listen to your new relationship reality over and over again. I’d recommend 30 to 60 to 90 days. Why?

The programming that you have in you now was formed over a number of years mostly in your early childhood. We got repeated messaging around how we weren’t doing enough or being enough in one way or another and lots of other not so helpful signaling that the relationship and love that we want is attainable by just being ourselves. If you hadn’t you’d have what you want and would not be reading this.

To create a new pathway in your brain that puts you on the route of autopilot (subconscious programming), ‘I deserve what I want in love and am worthy of it and every decision that I make and everything I do is a move in this direction’, will take some time to form.

So wax on, wax off it is. (Karate Kid reference unavoidable)

What’s next?

Note: As you begin to reprogramme, you may notice fear and doubt (aka resistance) show up. 

Resistance can look like that critical voice in your head that tells you you can’t do it, like a heaviness or tiredness suddenly coming on when you’re set to listen to your recording. Or even sit down at all to begin the process.

I teach you how to slay the dragon of resistance in Create Love - Part 2 here.

 
For now, focus on what you want to create – in 5 dimensions.

Ah, and a note on contentment and being ok with what you already have….

Most of us understand by now how important gratitude is to happiness. 

And so I bet you are grateful for what you’ve already experienced in life – the people you’ve got around you, the incredible challenges you’ve overcome and the resulting breakthrough moments, the softness, the warmth and luxuriousness of simple moments. 

And yet you desire more. 
More adventures. More exploration. More growth. 
But especially more love. 

We’re often told that this desire for ‘more’ is a bad thing. We should be content with what we’ve got and where we are at. And if you’re single and pretty happy with your life, you may sometimes ask yourself…but isn’t life pretty good as is? Maybe I don’t need a partner, you might think to yourself. 

And yet we’re here on the planet to experience life and to explore. 

It’s our very nature as humans to want to expand out into as many shapes and forms as we can imagine as we get to know ourselves.

So whilst it’s important to allow for sense of contentment and completion in where you are at now, it’s also only natural that you continue to desire more. 

Especially when that ‘more’ feels in alignment with you expanding as a person – expanding heart, mind and soul.

And relationship is arguably the single best way to continue to challenge yourself, to grow and to expand – certainly in ways that other relationships or your career do not allow for.

And so I ask you, what will expansion look like to you specifically as it relates to partnership and your intimate life?

3 surprising secrets to deepen intimacy - even if you are single

Like love that endures the test of time

And sex that remains powerful, potent, exciting and on fire long after the initial sparks and chemical cocktail in your body have subsided

Intimacy, that which brings us close and gives us the experience of being accepted for exactly who we are must also be cultivated.

And often created.

Actively.

Sitting around and waiting for love to come knocking on my door didn’t really work for me. Neither did obsessive action like serial dating or hours of swiping.

All of that outward focus didn’t do sh*t all.

Inner work did.

So I am going to share with you now the top 3 ways on how to create more intimacy in your life.

Yep, you guessed it – it starts by looking inwards.

Intimacy key 1: Truth-telling

What stories are you telling yourself? What narratives might your clever mind be weaving?

Might they sound like, ‘I don’t really have time right now for a relationship – work is really full on and anyway I have great friends.’ or ’I’m just not the kind of person that people are attracted to’.

Face your truth, however painful and scary so you can begin to own what you want.

Start by getting really radically truthful with yourself. Own your desires and what you really want in love – and in life, no matter how out of reach they feel.

It might sound like, ‘I really do want a relationship. And I’m going to carve out space for it. Though work is demanding and I care about my career, what matters most to me right now is doing what it takes for love to enter my life.’

Allow yourself to feel the pain of not having those things (you only get a few mins for this, it doesn’t help to get stuck here). It’s palpable.

Love yourself for the wanting.

Then, shift into knowing that you are doing what it takes to get there.

And know that you will if you focus on it.

Whatever we give time and energy to eventually comes to us.

Intimacy key 2 : Eye-gazing

Eye-gazing is simply staring into someone’s eyes for 2-10 minutes. No talking. Just holding a soft focused gaze.

What? Don’t I need someone else’s eyes to gaze into for this one?

Nope.

Got a mirror?

Looking into your own eyes is incredibly potent. It may feel silly at first, but if you stick with it, oh the things you’ll ‘see’ about yourself.

Let me know how this one goes. I’d love to hear.

Intimacy key 3 : Pleasure map

Through touch. For this one, you just need a bit of creativity and some time alone to experiment with the type of touch that you most enjoy.

And where.

Knowing your own body, what turns you on – and off – is key to experiencing the levels of pleasure that are available to you. And the closeness that this brings first to yourself as you drop deeply into your body. And build connection with it. And trust in your own pleasure and ability to access and experience it on very deep levels.

Then once you’ve understood your own pleasure map – charting where on your body you experience the most pleasure – you can invite in another to share in the experience.

One of the prevailing myths of our time is that lovers are supposed to ‘just know’ how you like to be touched. Not many of us are mind-readers so I’m not sure how this one has lasted as long as it has.

Asking for what you want allows you to receive the pleasure you want. And makes the job of the giver satisfying and rewarding as they support you in your pleasure.

And this beautiful, informed dance of giving and receiving pleasure brings 2 humans ever so close.

Start with you.

And where you are at.

Go easy with yourself.

Let this be the evolution that it is meant to be.

And enjoy the journey.