How to fall in love with a nice guy

Women often come to me saying that they don’t want to settle. 

But every time they meet a guy who’s perfectly nice, they just don’t feel the spark. 

Or they just don’t feel like they can trust him – he’s just too nice. 

If this is you, you might be keeping yourself from creating a healthy relationship – one that is not only sexy, exciting and alive – but also stands the test of time.

Or you might be doing exactly the right thing.

Here’s the real difference between ‘nice guys’ and ‘bad boys’ – and what you want instead.

When it’s about him 

If your ‘nice guy’ is a ‘yes man’, then no, he can not be trusted. And nope, ‘yes men’ are certainly not sexy.

Yes men are people pleasers.

They’ll do or say anything to win your affection or draw you in. 

A yes man will tell you want you want to hear, and it may not necessarily be what he actually thinks or feels. 
You feel he can’t be trusted because you’re left wondering what’s really going on beneath the surface. You might even wonder what may come out of the closet and surprise you later down the line.

Yes men lack boundaries.

Hence women feeling like they can ‘walk all over them.’

This is not at all appealing for a woman who knows her worth. She’s not into power plays, but wants a healthy relationship where there’s mutual respect and understanding. 

Therefore this type of yes man is uninteresting. An empowered woman wants to be held accountable for her views and opinions. She wants to be challenged to be the best that she can be. And for this she needs a powerful man who’s not afraid to say what he sees in her – when she’s doing great. And where there are blind spots. Even if some things are hard to hear, he finds a way to say them so that it feels supportive and constructive. 

A yes man doesn’t know his own worth.

He may honestly love you, but he doesn’t love himself enough to give this love in a healthy way. He overcompensates, is over-giving and over-available. This feels uninteresting.  

The antithesis of the ‘nice guy’ is the ‘bad boy’. But this guy too, as we know, is also flawed. 

When it’s about you

Why we go for the ‘bad boy’ instead 

His kind of love (or lack thereof) feels familiar. Literally. 

Some women are used to love and affection feeling just out of reach. This may be what you experienced from your parents or caretakers, who were often absent, busy or just not available enough. 

We look to heal this breach in adulthood – to find someone that we can get to give us the attention we never got as a kid. We hope to convert the person. To get them to love us. 

But in reality, they are unable to love like we need them to in the first place. 
Don’t trust honest, open, healthy displays of love + affection because you are not used to them. 

We love the ‘bad boys’ because they let us explore a part of us that has been suppressed 

You know that you don’t have to be on their best behaviour with a guy who’s a rebel. And you allow your own ‘bad girl’ to come out. 

In childhood girls are often taught to be ‘good’. And our rebellious nature is repressed. You therefore might feel a childlike glee and joy in doing what’s forbidden. And this can fuel the flames of desire. It feeds excitement. 

The ‘wild’ in you has been condemned by our society and culture

And yet raw, uninhibited desire is a natural part of being human. Women who express freely this part of themselves are often stigmatised and judged. If a woman senses that she’s going to be given a chance to express this deep innate part of her sexuality, she’s going to be drawn to someone that she feels will receive this with open arms and enjoy it. 

The drama in another distracts us from ourselves. 

The bad boy gives us a project that needs ‘fixing’. 

Women often get validated as care-takers, fixers, healers and learn at an early age that we’re good if we do this. Fixing gives a sense of worth and purpose. 

The only problem is that these guys don’t necessarily want to change. Or to be fixed. And so over time a woman can become submissive rather than nurturing, when the one she wants to change either won’t or ‘just can’t’. 

External drama keeps the focus on the external. On him. On the drama in the relationship that always seems to be there. On what’s going on outside of you.

When the storm outside is quiet because you’re with someone who is balanced and healthy, then there’s no distraction. It gives space for introspection and turning the focus inwards. 

In doing so we are asked to face our own strife, storms and drama that we hold within.

How to break the cycle

Learn to trust the guys who are actually nice – and available. 

Recognise what’s actually playing out for you. 

Which of the above sounds true? What patterns are you playing out over and over again in dating and relationships? 

Saying no to Yes Men is a good thing. 

But letting go of an actual healthy, empowered man is another. 

A guy in his power won’t necessarily fight for your attention or affection. He knows his worth. He doesn’t need to prove it in grand displays. 
And he’s not interested in fighting for power over you either. He has enough of that within himself. He isn’t interested in taking yours. 

He won’t ‘take it’ either. He’ll let you know what’s cool. And what isn’t. He’ll expect you to own your emotions, your feelings and accept responsibility for what’s yours.
He’ll celebrate your strength. And challenge you to be more than you are. 

And he’ll also lean back so that you can show up wild, free and full of life. But without the drama.

Know yourself and take care of her

He expects you to know how to manage your own storms within. To know yourself enough so that you can recognise what’s going on inside. And own what is yours. 

He’s available to listen as you express yourself clearly and with grace, even if it feels difficult. 

This doesn’t mean you need to hide your emotions. It means understanding why you are feeling a certain way by asking yourself what is really going on with you. And why you’ve had such a strong reaction. 

And from that place of self-knowing, sharing with him what you are experiencing and why. 

If you struggle with understanding ‘your part’ and why you actually feel the way that you feel, then coaching can be a powerful way for you to gain insight into what’s really going on. Connect with me and I’ll help you to navigate your own inner world.

Live out the parts of you that want living.

Do you feel caged in by life? By how you are with friends and family? Is there a part of you that wants expressing so that you can feel more free in your life. And perhaps your sexuality. 

Accept these parts of you. Celebrate them. Love them. Let them breathe. 

Relationships can feel easy. And exciting. And wild. And fun. 

And safe too. Learn to be ok with the unfamiliar. Allow yourself to receive the love and affection that comes your way. 

Love like this might look different than what you’re used to – and thank goddess for that.

3 steps to have more success in love in 2021

December is a time of year for retrospection…and introspection. 

As you look back on the year – and granted, it’s been a strange one – you can take stock of what you’ve learned.

And ask what wants to be left behind. What wants to be carried forward.

And what wants to happen in the new year so that you can create the love you want.

Journaling is a great way to do this.  

And I also recommend long walks in nature as you contemplate the following.

With the wisdom mined, you’ll then take informed, inspired action.

Step 1: Get clear on what you want in a relationship

This year in Dating

• What worked with meeting new people

• What didn’t 

• Who did you connect with easily. Why?

• What made a date feel good?

• What made a date flop?

Action:

Dating over time can be tough. And we can loose a sense for how much it actually teaches us. 

Write down 3 things that dating helped you understand about what you want in a relationship.

Read more on healthy relationships here.  

Step 2: Prep your heart for big love

This year in Love

• What wants letting go from this year

• Unreturned messages

• Bad dates

• Bad kisses 

• Dashed hopes

• Heartbreak big and small

• Patterns that keep repeating

Action: Write down 3 things you’re letting go of this year. Burn the paper. 

Fill yourself up with good stuff with this Heal Heartbreak meditation.

Step 3: Know you can have it (even if you never have)

This year in Sex + Pleasure

• Are you connected to your body? 

• Did you self-pleasure enough? 

• Did it feel sacred….or routine? 

• Did you only say yes when it was a HELL YES and your body was on board?

• What allows you to drop more into pleasure? 

• What keeps you from it? 

• Does it feel nourishing? 
  

Action:

Schedule sex in. Yep, even if it’s with yourself. Get that diary out and find 3 days that work for you. 

Not sure where to start? Watch this and learn about how your body is built for pleasure (for people with vaginas)

Your pleasure is yours to own. It’s your birthright and we’re all naturally wired for pleasure. 

You are the creator of your own pleasure. 

You are the creator of your life. 

And you can create the deep, connected, long-term healthy partnership that you want to. 

It starts with you. 

Scheduling sex is not only normal…it’s sexy. Here's why.

‘It is through rituals that the mind becomes clear, the heart opens, the senses become sharp, and the body tingles with aliveness and expectation.’

Margot Anand, The Art of Sexual Magic

Scheduling in sex (with your partner or yourself) makes it a ritual. And rituals are powerful.

Rituals bring meaning to the ordinary. As opposed to ‘habits’ which are done mindlessly.

Anyone who has had ‘habitual sex’ understands how boring – how mindless – it can be.

Habitual sex feels like a chore. We dread it. And feel guilty about not wanting it.

Scheduled sex, sex that is ritual, is sex infused with deep meaning. And it feels like magic. 

Here’s how to have deep connected sex regularly – on schedule – as a ritual.

Schedule sex in

Intentionally set aside time each week for sex.

Create a shared calendar. And get it in there. Text reminders to each other and have fun with it (aka foreplay).

Try not to cancel or reschedule. But if life happens, give yourself a break.

Heat it up: theme your sex dates as you put them in the calendar. Take turns preparing for it by ‘setting the scene’. Think of engaging all 5 senses. And talk about the sex you have after each date – learn what your partner liked and wants more of. Try this next time.

Take the pressure off: take the goal away. Commit to exploring your pleasure without the focus of orgasm. Discover new states of ecstasy beyond the O. Pleasure is vast.

Infuse meaning

In rituals, the most ordinary of actions and gestures become transformed into symbolic expressions, their meaning reinforced each time they are performed.

-Van Gennep, 1909

Meaning is what imbues the sex you have with a unique quality. As you schedule sex in consciously consider the deeper meaning this has for you: 

• That you care enough about yourself and each other to dedicate time and space for deep connection

• That intimacy –physical, emotional, mental–is valued and valuable to you

• That togetherness and unity is important and desired

• That you can trust yourself and one another to show up consistently

• That exploring pleasure together and luxuriating in that journey is a shared desire

Relax in and enjoy the ride

When you know sex is going to happen, it takes away the anxiety of wondering if and when. It buffers us against negative uncertainty. 

As a result, you feel more in control. This creates a sense of personal order. And in this the space to drop more fully into pleasure when it comes.

Scheduled sex allows us to open up and access to deeper dimensions of ourselves

By setting the space in your material world, your internal world re-organises itself in the expectation of experiencing things differently. 

Scheduled sex hones our attention, leading to heightened involvement and immersion in lovemaking when we come to it.

In conclusion: 

Scheduled sex is ritualistic in nature. It’s imbued with meaning and ironically, it brings us beyond the mundane. 

It draws us closer to ourselves and to our partner and as we intentionally connect with our pleasure and with each other. 

And remember – you can always have more. Just because you schedule sex in, doesn’t mean you can’t have the sex in the elevator or in the kitchen now and again.

3 misunderstood qualities empowered men LOVE about empowered women

Empowered men love powerful women. They love to see you at your best. 

They are not threatened by your intelligence or your ambition, your ability to speak your opinion and articulate your point of view. They love your initiative to do things on your own and be pro-active.

In fact, they can’t get enough these things. They know what they themselves are worth (hence empowerment), and are craving a companion with a similar depth and curiosity for life that he has.

But many women still hold on to the belief that it’s their badass qualities scare guys away. Here is where the misunderstanding lies. For in fact, there is a dark side to being an incredibly badass hyper intelligent driven woman that does send men away.

Here’s what that looks like.

You are independent. 

Men love it that you are:

Ambitious and go for what you want in life

You have your own social life

You are financially stable

How it makes him feel when this is in balance within you:

I feel like I’m free. 

I know she chooses me because she wants to be with me. Not because of what I have. 

She takes ownership of her life – I’m not solely responsible for her wellbeing.

We can support and take care of one another.

How it makes him feel when the dark side appears

I want to support her as much as she supports me – we’re in this together. She just never lets me in.

She doesn’t trust me to help her.

I don’t feel like I add much value to her life.

We sometimes use our sense of independence as a wall between us and them. A kind of protective mechanism for our hearts. Only it keeps us from love.

We know we can take care of ourselves. We tell ourselves that we can do it better.

The thing is, as humans we’re all interdependent anyway. No one person is an island. We rely on family and friends. It’s ok to get help and support from a guy. And he wants to give to you.

Yes, you can do things on your own. He knows this. And so do you. You don’t have to prove it to anyone.

Receive what he’s got to give with grace and gratitude.

You are intelligent.

Men love it that you:

Are super smart and are ace at what you do.

That you have a great mind.

That you have a quick-witted sense of humour.

How it makes him feel…

He knows that he can have an intelligent conversation with you.

He likes that you challenge him.

You are fun to be around.

How it makes him feel when the dark side appears

I just can’t connect with her.

I wonder how she really feels.

Wow, she’s really in her mind. I wonder if she can relax.

If you feel you have to dumb down the conversation then you may be mis-reading this guy’s ability to follow you. Keep an open mind and see what comes from further conversation.

People express intelligence in different ways. Give this guy a chance to show how his mind works. You might just learn a thing or two.

Relax into the moment and re-connect with your body. Speak from your heart as much as your head and see what happens.

You are a powerful leader.

Men love it that you:

Can take charge of challenging situations.

Own it at work and in life.

And don’t apologise for it.

How it makes him feel…

Proud of the work you are doing in the world.

Grateful that you let him be part of it.

Attracted to you - you know that you’ve ‘got it’ – and that’s so sexy

How it makes him feel when the dark side appears

There is no space for him to show how he cares. There’s no space for him to give freely. There’s no room for his voice to be heard. And that he’s in competition with you.

If there is a part of you that feels unsafe or threatened by men, then you may show up in a way that compensates for this. For example, if you find yourself talking over your date or having to constantly be right, then you may feel the need to prove your position.

This behaviour actually doesn’t come for a place of power but from fear. Fear that we’re not powerful enough. That our viewpoint is not recognised. That we are not heard.

As in all healthy conversation and communication there is balance between the two people in listening and sharing. We all want to be heard, acknowledged and understood. If there is a power dynamic at play then it is difficult for healthy communication to happen.

Create space for sharing and for listening with empathy, kindness and compassion.

Empowered men love to see you at your best. They are not threatened by your beauty or your intelligence or your ambition. 

Because they know their own worth. 

They do want to be seen, heard, appreciated and understood.

So meet them with your gifts.

And may love blossom.

Date easily in difficult times - 10 ways to find joy in dating during Covid

The double-edged sword of fear in dating during Covid is real and it’s out there. 

On the one hand there’s the fear of catching the virus if you meet too many potential partners by putting yourself in situations conducive to exactly that – like hanging out in bars. 

On the other hand there are the more familiar fears that come along with dating – like having our hearts broken (again), or of wasting our time (again), or whether there’s just something intrinsically wrong with you because no one (ever) feels right. 

So I’ve put together this list to help bring you some clarity and help you beat the Covid dating blues. 

10 ways to date more easily in difficult times: 

1. Let the sparks fly in the space created. So many people I speak to have said that they are loving the fact that Covid has brought back long-lost courtship. Get to know each other at a bit of a distance and use the 1 meter’s distance guideline, especially if masks feel super un-sexy. 

2. Be in reality with the risk factor. It’s ok to ask if your date has been around anyone with Covid recently or if they have any symptoms so you know what you are working with. The decision is then up to you to meet them or not. If you wear a mask on a date, you are protecting yourself. If your date wears a mask too, you are doubly protected. Find one you like and rock it.  

3. Magnetise. If you find yourself drawn towards your date physically, then great! There’s attraction here. Verbalise this so that they understand what is going on with you. Perhaps you’d like to come closer but are holding back because of the risk of contacting Covid. It’s important that the other person understand the distinction between holding back because of fear of the virus, or otherwise so that the other person understands where you stand – that you’re interested…and precautionary. Easier said than done, you say?

4. Words are the sexiest thing! In ordinary times you might have made a move or indicated through body language that you wanted to step closer. Now is the time to practice ‘speaking your truth’. If you establish open and honest communication channels this early on in dating a potential mate, then you are setting a strong foundation for deeper connection and even for better sex. Emotional and physical intimacy is determined by your ability to share what is going on with you. Share that you’d love to come closer. And listen with an open mind and heart what is going on with the other person. 

5. Consent is key. Connect physically when both of you feel good about it. Consent here is key so you want to check in with the other person to see how they feel about moving forward. They may not feel ready yet or in a position to accept the risk of contracting the virus. Or they may just need more time to come close to you and feel emotionally safe in doing so. Be open to hearing where your date is at. And if you’d like clarity, you can ask for it directly with questions like, ‘

6. Build resilience. Hold yourself no matter what the response is. There’s no guarantee that the person you’re on a date with will like you back. Or that you’ll like them. Or that it will work out even if there is mutual attraction. What you DO know deep down, is that you are going to be more than ok no matter what. 

7. Stay steady. Because if you stay steady in your quest to find love, that eventually it will come to you. No matter how many times it hasn’t. So when you are there on the ground on a date and it’s all happening, dig deep for this truth. Send yourself a huge love bomb. And cheer yourself on for continuing your pursuits. It will pay off. Trust me. 

8. Slow down but don’t stop. Be selective about who you meet. Hop on a few video dates before agreeing to meet in person. Enjoy the conversation and connection this brings through ‘being’ together more than ‘doing’ stuff. This can also take the edge off of a ‘first date’ as you become just familiar enough with one another to get an initial sense of how you both are.

9. Stretch into the life you loved living and do the things you love and remember from pre-C times. Museums and theatres are open. Cafés and restaurants too. It’s so easy to look for stuff to do and see only the restrictions or closures. Keep your mind focused on what IS. What there is to do even if in a modified format.  

10. Get support. And if you find that you keep on attracting the wrong kind of person despite it all, consider investing in doing some deeper work to understand what is at the bottom of it all. With this insight, you’ll be able to make the changes necessary within you to get the love you want in the outside world. This is what coaching can do for you. Send me a message and we’ll talk about how. 

How to heal from heartbreak - a 3 step body-heart-mind process

If you’ve experienced heartbreak, you are so not alone.

Heartbreak is one of the most common things that we all experience at some point or another. 

This holds true often even for those who have never been in a relationship as much as it does for those married multiple times. 

Heartbreak can even happen whilst you are deep in relationship. 

The hope we hold for love unrequited or withdrawn carries a pain that can chafe the heart enough times to send the protective barriers up that keep us feeling safe – and alone. 

The loss we feel, the grief and sadness can stay around for much longer than is healthy. It’s good to feel your emotions. Not so good to hold on to the tough ones for too long. The heaviness that fills our heart leaves no space for the joy and lightness of love. The kind that overflows. 

The kind that wants to be shared. 

Heartbreak can also sit in our minds as we play the scenes over and over again trying to make sense of it all. Where we went wrong. What we did or didn’t do. What was going on with the other person. This infinite loop locks us in the past leaving no possibility for us to be present here and now so that we can live a new and different future. 

Step 1: Free your physical body – let it out 

This may not seem obvious at first, but heartbreak sits not only in the ache around your heart. It can show up in other parts of you as well.  

Feel into your body and notice what sensations come up when you recall the person or situation that broke your heart. 

For example many women often feel an ache in their womb when they really tune in to their bodies. 

Others will realise that that tightness in their belly or clenching of their shoulders shows up. 

Whatever it is, you’ll want to encourage the sensation to loosen and move out of your body. 

Some ways to facilitate this are:  

• Shake it off - from the tips of your fingers down to your toes shake your whole body

• Dance it off - crank up the tunes!

• Sound it out - give the sensation a voice and let it out

Whatever it takes to get the yuck out. 

Give yourself 5-10 minutes for this. 

Step 2: Next move on to your heart – allow yourself to feel

Allow yourself to feel the emotions of it all, whatever it is that comes up for you. 

This could be deep sadness and grief, a sense of loss and of course hurt. 

Sometimes the feelings of intense pain or hurt carry a physical quality to them. Let the emotion move through your body and out. 

Give yourself 5-10 minutes for this. 

Whilst it’s important to feel your emotions to heal, you don’t want to stay here for too long as it can then become counter-productive. 

Step 3: Clear your mind

If you find yourself analysing and over-analysing the situation or person or yourself, then try this. 

Take 2 sheets of paper.

On one paper write down all the good stuff from your experience. 

Fill it with lessons learned and wisdom gained. 

This you’ll be taking forward with you in your journey to new love. 

On the 2nd sheet of paper write down all the nasty stuff. Everything that you want to leave behind. All the mess and anything that felt harmful – and not in a learning kind of way. 

Burn the paper or rip it up and toss it out. 

Fill up with fresh, clean energy

You will have created space in your body, heart and mind at this point. 

Fill that space with light and love. You can do this through a heart-based meditation. Or simply by imagining a beautiful pearl of love-filled light at the centre of your chest expanding out into all the spaces that you’ve created. 

Another way is to spend time with friends and family where you feel the love and soak it all in from them. Love feeds love. All kinds. 

Come back to wholeness

And finally, call back into you any parts of you that you feel might have been left behind. Welcome yourself back. 

Do this process as many times as it takes until you feel complete, whole and new. 

And remember, healing heartbreak can take time. Be gentle and go easy. 

Tantric Massage - what makes it so special (it’s not what you think)

What makes a tantric massage different from say a sports massage or a massage with a happy ending? 

Tantric massage focuses on pleasure and sensuality as much as on releasing stress and tension from the body. Orgasm and sex actually take a back seat. Though that may happen if you decide to move into lovemaking afterwards. 

Tantric massage is a ritual-like full-bodied pleasure practice performed to facilitate deep connection with you, your body, your sexuality, and your partner through touch, deep relaxation, and by practicing complete presence. 

It can be deeply healing and nourishing as the person receiving the massage learns to relax into their body and let go of any tension or holding stored there, specifically in regards to their sexuality.

And the person giving experiences being fully present with another, enabling the pleasure of the receiver, and connecting throughout the practice from the heart. This in itself is generative, fosters connection and is full of deeper meaning.

These 3 elements are foundational to learning how to give (and receive) a tantric massage:

1. Ritual

2. Intention

3. Presence + Connection

In this article I describe how these foundational elements are integral to the incredibly erotic experience of tantric massage.

Not all tantric massage involves genital touch. And whilst there are many ways to perform tantric massage, I’d argue that these are key components that make it what it is – a sacred experience of our sensual selves like no other.

Ritual

We humans looooove ritual. 

Rituals give us a sense of safety and of connection. They imbue deeper meaning to life and even allow us the space within which we can transcend ourselves. 

All of these are key to experiencing the heightened states of pleasure and deep nourishment to body, mind and soul that tantric massage offers.  

Rituals want time and focus. A slowing down to stillness. 

This allows the space for pleasure to surface, connection to deepen and erotic energy to flow. 

Ritual will run throughout your massage session. Here’s how. 

Intention

In rituals, the most ordinary of actions and gestures become transformed into symbolic expressions, their meaning reinforced each time they are performed.1 

Intentions set a tone and give deeper layers of meaning to things. Intention hones our attention and asks for heightened involvement and immersion in the moment.

And in tantric massage an intrinsic part of the practice is to awaken sensuality and full feeling throughout the body.

Set an intention together

Setting an intention helps both the giver and receiver relax into the moment as it manages expectations, boosting confidence. It can alleviate anxiety about performing well as a masseur or about having to receive pleasure in a certain way.

Set an intention together before you begin the massage ritual. And state it again when you are ready to begin. 

The intention for experience you’re about to share can be

• To receive fully from another

• To give fully from the heart

• To allow whatever the experience is and not judge it

• To connect deeply and accept whatever comes

• To experience sensual touch with greater awareness

Create a sacred space

Transform your outer world and your internal world re-organises itself to expect to experience things differently. Creating a sacred space links to intentionality – this experience will be something more than just a regular old rub down.

Choose a place where you’ll perform the massage. This can be your bedroom or anywhere where you can get creative. Transform the space into something special by adding 

• Candles

• Soft lighting

• Clean sheets

• Fresh flowers or petals

• Sensual music 

Presence + Connection

Ritual hones our attention and focus. It leads us to heightened involvement and immersion in the moment.

Conscious touch - be fully present

Have you ever been touched by someone who feels absent? It’s like the touch doesn’t really land. And it can even feel a bit creepy as you sense that their mind and heart are elsewhere. 

It’s fundamental that both partners stay fully present throughout the massage. 

You’d think this simple. But it’s very easy to drift away and get lost in our thoughts throughout. 

For those receiving the massage: 

Keep coming back to your body and the sensations in your body. With every touch you receive, be fully present for it and notice how your body responds. 

• What do you like? 

• What do you dislike? 

• What do you want more of? 

• What does your body need?

For those giving the massage:

Fill each stroke you give with awareness and love. Be intentional in how you approach your partner’s body. And notice how they respond. If you are not sure then that brings us to the next key: communication.

Connect through communication 

We don’t talk enough during sex. We don’t talk enough about what we want. What we like. What feels good. To each other. 

So tantric massage is a great way to introduce communication into your intimate life. 

Ask the receiver things like:

• How do you like the stroke – long and smooth or short and quick

• How is the speed of the touch

• What about the quality of the touch

• Location

• Pressure

• Style

What part of them wants more touch

Respond by asking for more of what you like. Focus on what is good versus verbalising what you don’t like as this can feel like a criticism to your partner. 

With tantric massage as ritual there is joint attention focused on the experience. We can perceive emotional synchrony with one another. We feel connected and in flow with each other’s bodies and rhythms. 

And there can even be an experience of self–other overlap where you lose yourself in the experience of the other person. 

These experiences can feel transcendent as you move from separateness to a shared experience of deep connection and love. 

And the energy between you weaves and flows like water in a stream.  

Staying present in your body even as you flow into another through pleasure is unique to what tantric massage offers. 

End with gratitude and sharing

Rituals have a clear beginning, middle and end. This satisfies a fundamental need for order and is a buffer against uncertainty. When we feel safe and in control then we can more easily let ourselves go and relax into the moment and whatever arises. 

End the massage by thanking each other for being part of a shared experience. 

Take some time to share what you experienced both as the giver and receiver. 

1. ‘The Psychology of Rituals: An Integrative Review and Process-Based Framework,’ Nicholas M. Hobson, Juliana Schroeder, Jane L. Risen, Dimitris Xygalatas and Michael Inzlicht

Breathwork: a powerful practice to awaken to deeper parts of you

You may have heard of breathwork by now. 

It’s fast becoming the new ‘yoga’ in urban wellbeing circles. And will likely spread further outwards as its cousins mindfulness, meditation and yoga have. 

Why? Because it’s that simple and that powerful. 

And when used in combination with the mindset work I do with clients, it’s a powerful catalyst for moving them forward faster. And they can’t seem to get enough. Read about one client’s experience here.

So what is breathwork exactly. And how does it work? 

What is Breathwork?

Breathwork is breathing in a certain way to shift your mind from an awakened state of consciousness to an altered state where deeper levels of your mind and body can be explored and understood. 

It uses faster paced breathing, a certain kind of body movement when it’s indicated, and at times evocative music. 

How does it work?

You may have already done some form of breathwork in yoga. The “Pranayama” (‘Prana’ meaning life force, and ‘Ayama’ meaning to restrain or to draw out) or “breathwork” is used in yoga to achieve a conscious state of mind and relaxed body.

The method I use in sessions is closer to ‘Holotropic Breathwork’ developed by psychiatrists Stanislav and Christina Grof. The “Holotropic” breath works in exactly the opposite way to pranayama. It relaxes the conscious mind opening up a gateway to the subconscious.

And by doing so it tends to bring up underlying tension and latent blocks that Stanislav Grof explains “are associated with traumatic situations, biographical, birth experiences and so on, or even something called transpersonal levels (beyond the self).”

And when these tensions and blocks start surfacing, they are experienced as physical sensations or strong emotions and can then be moved through and gotten rid of.

This allows your body and your mind to heal from the past so that you can move into the present more fully. By doing so you can then create the future that you want to realize. 

How did this method come about?

Breathing has been used throughout centuries, in many different cultures as one of the most powerful means to heal by shifting our mental state. 

Stanislav spent decades researching the science of the ancient shamanistic practices to develop this simple yet effective method for inducing alternative states of consciousness without the use of drugs.

This specific practice came about as an alternative to LSD-based psychedelic-assisted therapy following the suppression of legal LDS in the 1960s. 

Watch Transpersonal Documentary, interview with Stanislav and Christina Grof: Part 1 & Part 2 

What are the benefits of breathwork?

1. Reduces stress, anxiety, grief, depression and anger

2. Increase sensitivity to pleasure, energy levels and boost immune system

3. Increase self-awareness, presence, happiness and joy

4. Increase self-love

5. Improve sleep

6. Release trauma and fear stuck in the body

7. Helps to reduce pain

8. Release toxins from the body

9. Improve digestion

10. Explore altered states of consciousness, consciously

Can the breath help with sex? 

Using the breath can help you to feel more pleasure and connect more during sex so that you feel more nourished and alive. 

Watch how I explain how breathwork can be used to experience more pleasure: Feel sensational in bed by breathing in a whole new way

Can the breath help with confidence when dating?

Using the breath before and on a date is wonderful for boosting confidence. And we all know how sexy confidence is. 

Not only that, but you will be calmer and think clearly, allowing you and your date to relax and enjoy the experience. 

Can the breath help with communication and connection?

Working with the breath and posture allows for more space in the moment to be clear on what you want, and to articulate that. 

One of my clients has expressed how much he enjoys working with the breathing and stretching out his body fully along with the vocal breathing releases, music and a bit of movement as this “makes a big difference” to his relationship with his partner, and he feels “stronger for it”. Listen to his full experience here.

“My partner and I shared our first real exchange in terms of where we are and what we want. I think for the first time (ever) I have expressed my true honest feelings of what I want... I feel the first stage of control of my thoughts and feelings and being able to share them.”

What does scientific research say?

(Source: Healthline)

A 1996 study combined the holotropic breathing technique with psychotherapy over six months. People who participated in the breathwork and therapy significantly reduced death anxiety and increased self-esteem compared to those who only had therapy.

A report from 2013 documented the results of 11,000 people over 12 years who participated in holotropic breathwork sessions. The results suggest that it can be used to treat a wide range of psychological and existential life issues. Many people reported significant benefits related to emotional catharsis and internal spiritual exploration. No adverse reactions were reported. This makes it a low-risk therapy.

A 2015 study found that holotropic breathing can bring about higher levels of self-awareness. It may help to positively make changes in temperament and development of character. People who were more experienced with the technique reported less tendency to be needy, domineering, and hostile.

Try as I may, I find it difficult to communicate exactly how the type of coaching that I do is different. 

I explain that the body as much as the mind and emotions are engaged in ‘the work’. 

And yet my descriptions always seem to fall short. 

So I’ve asked one of my clients to describe her experience of breathwork in session with me here.

Breathwork: One woman's very personal experience

Oli, a beautiful, vivacious and sensitive woman who came to me wanting to experience her relationship with her long-term partner more fully without obsessively worrying that she’ll get bored or that he’ll leave her.

This became possible as we uncovered parts of Oli that needed and wanted love and acceptance. The uncovering of these pieces of Oli came in part, through Breathwork.

Today Oli enjoys the safety of her own body, celebrates the power of her mind, and lives a healthy relationship full of love and pleasure like she never has before.

Here’s Oli’s experience of the practice in her own words….

There’s something about the breath that is so powerful. I mean, it keeps us alive right? 

But coming to learn that working with the breath to achieve different states of mind and body is truly magical. Since studying Drama in school, I quickly learnt that a lot of us don’t breathe properly - that is we take shallow breaths into the chest - and this affects the way we move and speak on stage, as well as creating unnecessary tension.

Taking deep belly breaths can make room for expression, volume and pause, as well as releasing unwanted tension. 

So I knew that on a base level, deep and shallow breaths can shift your disposition.

However, only since working with Andrea do I now understand the capacity of breath as a practice of healing. A method of finding inner bliss and accepting inner wisdom.

My First Go at Breathwork

In a recent session with Andrea, we decided to work on a continued source of tension for me. The fear of rejection, loneliness and feeling unlovable. We came up with a mantra, an intention, a truth, for my psyche to acknowledge during the practice.

“Whether I am alone or with friends, I am loved no matter what.” 

While Andrea played some relaxing music, I shook out any surface level tension, and then began with some peaceful and relaxing breaths. Then moved into the Breathwork.

Breathing in through the mouth, into the chest, then the belly, then out through the mouth. After a few rounds of continuous breath, the pattern became faster, and I noticed a lot of tension and fear building in my body. I felt the familiar pain in my throat show up intensely. A tingling spread throughout my body, particularly my fingers, and was guided to let out whatever needed to come out. 

I cried. I wretched. I shook. I kicked. I wailed. I growled. I wanted whatever was holding me back, out of my body.

Andrea repeated my mantra: “Whether you are alone, or with friends, you are loved no matter what.” 

This was hard to hear and I cried some more. Trying not to judge it but let whatever needed to happen, happen. 

After what felt like a really long time, I let go of the Breath and Andrea guided me into a state of calm. I resourced (located a soft part of my body) from my belly and then my pleasure, holding myself in warmth, safety and sensuality, breathing deeply into my pleasure. Stroking different parts of my body, my neck, my inner thighs, inner arms and face. Letting the pleasure wash over me. 

However, even in the state of calm after, I still felt a little tense, particularly in my throat. After a few more deep sighs, I cried again. Letting the tears flow and the bliss wash over me. 

“Whether I am alone or with friends, I am loved no matter what.” 

Holding myself in this truth, I knew I had more work to do, but felt relieved at the awareness and the path I am on. 

The Second Go at Breathwork (Solo)

Trying this practice out on my own for the first time was a different experience, as I find myself holding back from letting go completely without the ‘real time’ support of Andrea - but an audio guide. However, with more practice I trust that I can do this. 

Again, after a quick body shake, I took myself to place of calm with deep full-bodied breaths. With Andrea’s voice in my ears, I was guided to set an intention. I chose “a gentle practice of letting go of whatever shows up.” I chose gentle considering it was the morning and I wasn’t prepared to go deep without live support on my first solo go. However, I tend to wake up with tension in my chest, and was open to releasing it in this practice. 

I was now familiar with the breathing pattern, and began to feel the tingling sensation and lightheadedness. As the pace quickened, I was guided to start releasing whatever was coming up for me. 

I felt tears roll from my eyes - I wasn’t necessarily crying, but more like when you do a big yawn, and tears come from the release. I stretched and shook. Though when I was told to Sound, I held back most noise, fearing judgement from my housemates or people passing by my open window. (Next time I’ll let go of this).

But I did ask for a gentle practice, and when I felt myself going too far, the build up of panic and intense tingling, I took more normal breaths. 

I continued to release tension from my muscles and my face, yawning and releasing. 

Towards the end, I was guided into pleasure. This felt so nourishing and with the sunlight on my face through the window, I felt spacious and calm. Ready to take on the day. 

Dating – the long game. How to keep it fresh when you’ve had enough

Pretty much everything in this world has seasons. 

And cycles. Even dating.

And thank goodness. 

There will be times when you have lots of dates with prospects that have potential and that line up easily. 

And other times when things seem to slow down. 

Despite the effort you put in. 

The key is to go with the flow. 

You actually don’t have to be out there all of the time dating like mad.

It’s actually good to take a pause from dating. 

Especially if you hit dating fatigue. 

Recognise and Maximise the Dating Seasons

Spring: 

You feel excited by the prospect of meeting new people. 

Whether in person or online. Doesn’t matter. You are open!  

What to do: 

Take fresh photos. Update your digital presence. Your WhatsApp thumbnail to your online profile. Keep it real. And current.

Shift your profile to reflect a new you. We’re constantly changing and evolving. Review the words you use to describe yourself. Are you accurately and authentically represented? 

Flirt. With everyone and everything.

Summer: 

Let the dates flow. Say yes easily when it feels right. 

Keep a gentle hold – feel positive about the good dates and release as much as possible from a desired or expected outcome. 

What to do: 

Dress the part for each date – for yourself. Your joy. Your happiness. Be the person you’d want to fall in love with – inside and out. Show up as you, fully you.

Fill up. Appreciate and be grateful for each experience for what it gives.  

Autumn: 

Let go of that which wants clearing. Clean the space in your body, mind + soul. Know that whatever you’ve experienced is getting you closer to where you want to be. 

What to do: 

End any beginnings that don’t feel as if they are moving forward. Or moving in the direction that you’d like them to move in. Be honest and upfront. Speak your truth. 

Trust the process (dating is a process). Keep the faith. 

Winter: 

Be quiet. Go inward. Explore your inner world. Notice what feels most nourishing and healthy for you.  

What to do: 

Nothing. Or next to nothing. Rest and recover. Spend time alone. Or with good friends. Or family.

Ground yourself.

Get off the dating rollercoaster and set yourself on cruise control

We’re deep into winter now. ❄ And deep into dating season. 

And if you are deep into the dating season you are probably feeling the ups and downs of good dates, bad dates .. no dates.. and everything in between. 🎢

It all feels wobbly and uncertain, like the ground moving under your feet. 

And you start to doubt yourself – whether you’ll ever find anyone, whether you can face another disappointment, whether it’s maybe your wardrobe or the way you wear your hair…💇‍♀

You just want dating to feel easy. Dare you hope for fun? And that one of these times it actually turns into something that feels a bit more real. And good. And right. 

And just for you.

So I’m going to ask that you get off that roller coaster for good.

Come back around again...back to YOURSELF. 

Yep, that person in there that maybe you’ve lost touch with as you try to schedule a million dates – hey it’s a numbers game, right? ➕➖➗

The sparkly version of you that’s dulled herself down because she’s not sure that being herself is really getting her anywhere. 

And who has told herself that she doesn’t care that much anymore anyway so that the pain of another bad date isn’t quite so acute. 

I’m asking you to come back around to yourself again because it’s essential. To dating. And in life. 

It’s how you set yourself on cruise control so that you are steady and calm no matter what happens on a date (or when you’re on a dating hiatus). 

On cruise control, dating becomes a no-brainer.  

Because YOU are the steadiness. YOU are the deep peace and calm. 😌

So no matter what happens, you are good. And you’ve learned. 

And when you are connected to all parts of yourself deeply, you are truly free. Free to flirt, to have fun, to show the sparkles...and that’s what draws in love.  

The love that you are. AND the sexiness. AND the sensuality. 

In this video I talk about 4 ways to get back to yourself and off the roller coaster:

1. How + why to stay in your body when you are on a date

2. Avoid mirroring the other person until all parts of you (pussy, heart, mind) are on board

3. Come back to your centre after the date

4. Know yourself intimately and love her - this is what makes you MAGNETIC

I explain each of these magic tools in detail so that you are sooooo attractive to someone that they can’t resist you.

3 sexy summertime aphrodisiacs

And let’s face it - dating can be stressful.

I’m here to help you make pre-date feel luxurious by encouraging you to indulge in the luscious sips I’ve selected.

Aphrodisiacs are super fun.

And delicious.

And sexy. 

Dive in!

---

Chili Lime Mango Margaritas

Sexy ingredient: Chili

Effects: Relieves anxiety symptoms

How: Goodbye butterflies! Releases the chemicals endorphins (relief of pain) + dopamine (reward + pleasure) in the brain which can trigger euphoria similar to a runner’s high

Get the recipe here.

Fresh Mint and Ginger Lemonade

Sexy ingredient: Ginger

Effects: Plumping of the lips. Increases libido.

How: Improves blood flow and circulation naturally. Antioxidants to help you feel and look your best.

Get the recipe here.

Iced Hot Chocolate (with Rose Petals - optional)

Sexy ingredient: Chocolate 

Effects: heart opening. Energising.

How: two chemicals it contains - tryptophan, a building block of serotonin, a brain chemical involved in sexual arousal. And phenylethylamine, a stimulant released in the brain when people fall in love.

Get the recipe here.

For extra romance add a sprinkling of rose petals to your glass. Mmmmm…Thanks to Meredith at Food at Heart for this gorgeous suggestion.

Soft truth: 

The amounts of the sexy substances in these summery drinks are likely too small to have any actual measurable effect on desire according to science.

But I know that filling yourself with pleasure is the best way to counter nerves and bring sense of ease and joy to you that will transform how you date. 

So if a placebo brings pleasure. I’m in.

Body, mind, and emotions – coaching my way engages all of you for deep, lasting change

My relationship with my partner is deeper than I could have ever imagined, and only continues to blossom.

Looking back and remembering previous tensions I held in my relationship reminds me of how far I’ve come. 

Here is Oli’s personal story of how using one of my favourite MBE Coaching techniques called ‘Focusing’ helped her move from fear around vocalising what she wants to healthy and open dialogue on all subjects with the man she loves.

Discovering that I could locate emotional trauma living in my body in the form of physical pain was a revelation. I had been struggling with this lump in my throat for a while before I began my work with Andrea. 

It was painful and uncomfortable and I knew it was linked to my anxiety, but I was completely clueless as to the deeper meaning of it and that I had the capacity within my own body to clear it, bring myself to safety and heal from a trauma that happened so many years ago.

Focusing was developed by psychotherapist Eugene Gendlin as a psychotherapeutic process that uses sensation to clear the body of unresolved feelings, and to make space for new possibilities. 

The first step to this is recognising your own “felt sense”. This goes beyond logical thoughts and feelings, and taps into the body for wisdom. This can be multiple wisdoms - multiple points in your body that provide information. 

Discovering that I could locate emotional trauma living in my body in the form of physical pain was a revelation. I had been struggling with this lump in my throat for a while before I began my work with Andrea. 

It was painful and uncomfortable and I knew it was linked to my anxiety, but I was completely clueless as to the deeper meaning of it and that I had the capacity within my own body to clear it, bring myself to safety and heal from a trauma that happened so many years ago.

Locating My Inner Child 

During a session, we bring my state of consciousness into a meditative one. A place of calm peacefulness. I body scan to notice all the subtle energies flowing through my body - a practice I have been doing in my meditation for a few years - but little did I know this was going to be much different. 

I remember the first time we did this clearly. The lump in my throat, present, and during the body-scan, strong. Andrea would ask questions like “what does it feel like?” “what does it look like?” “what colour is it?” “how old is it?” - which on a logical level doesn’t make much sense at all. But on some basic emotional level, interesting and unpredictable words followed my feelings. 

This lump in my throat became personified. It became a child. My inner child. Crying out for attention. Having spent years of looking after me. Protecting me. She was sad, angry, frustrated, confused, spiky. 

With the words came tears. Tears that were representative of my inner child needing a voice. 

I was filled with fear for my voice to be heard. I was blocked from telling the truth from a lie that was told that deeply traumatised me. A wound that needed healing. 

With talking therapy, I learnt to vocalise my fears, but with Andrea, I’ve been able to do much more physical work and locate deeper, inner truths. Discovering that my body holds infinitely more answers than my logical mind.

This was important, because in therapy I continued to repeat the same story over and over again. The bodywork broke me free, and unlocked things I didn’t know needed unlocking. I’ve been able to find the answers within myself.

“Felt shift” is a part of the Focusing process where your experiences guide you to a better place of understanding yourself.

Locating My Inner Goddesses

As the tears poured, Andrea told me to body-scan again, this time locating a place of safety in my body. A place of softness, squishiness, sturdy groundedness. I found her, and I’ve since found multiples of her. In my belly. In my breasts. In my upper arms, and in the centre of my head. My inner goddesses. 

Using this visual meditative practice, Andrea guided my inner child to explore the soft areas of my body. To move around, play and feel free from the pain and responsibility of protecting me. 

My inner goddesses regularly show up in these practices. They provide warmth and strength. They take control and offer insane amounts of wisdom. 

Words flow from feeling. Again nothing logical about it. But incredibly powerful, that I come out feeling blissful and born again. 

In the 6 months I have been working with Andrea my throat does still show up. But she is calmer, and I know how to soothe her. I feel much more in control of my state of mind, and know that I have the powers within me to heal. 

Where I used to find communicating my fears to my partner, my friends and my family next to impossible, it all comes to me a bit easier now.

I am more confident in opening up a difficult conversation - where before I would sit on my anxiety for months, only to have it blow up in my face later on. 

In this space of release, you allow room for newness to emerge. 

Focusing opens up a dialogue between the mind and the body. While the mind has one take on what’s going on, the body has others, more subtle, more intricate, and nuanced in the way it understands the situation, gives meaning and provides context.

Not everyone is ready to work straight away with their mind and body through Focusing. Though many of us are accustomed to emotionality and feelings, working with the body brings us that much deeper.

So I choose the tool, practice or process to meet you where you are at and we work from there.

Jade Egg Basics : What is this little stone all about. And why should you care?

The jade egg has changed my life. Literally. 

It put Pleasure with a capital ‘P’ back on my map after decades of increasing numbness in my body.

But I didn’t always love this little egg-shaped stone.

When I first heard of the jade egg I was like, “Nope, no way. You gotta be crazy. I’ve got to put what, where?”

I had a deep fear of putting anything inside of me, never mind something made of stone. 

The following information is based on what the jade egg did for me and countless other women - the jade egg’s been used in the US for over 40 years, and in Asia for thousands.

Yep, thousands.

There has to be something to it, right?

So what is it exactly? And how does it work?

******

1. The jade egg is a tool that can be used to support a deep, intimate understanding of your body and your sexuality. 

The jade egg is a stone made of certified jade and shaped into an egg. Like kegel weights, it can be gently invited into the vaginal canal to strengthen and tone the muscles inside of your body.

It can also be used together with tools such as meditation, visualisation, and focusing on body sensation to melt away layers of tension and holding that keep you from experiencing the fullness of pleasure.

Both your body and your sexuality belong to you, right? They are both with you all the time. So why was it that I felt that I had no clue about either at the age of 40? 

If you had asked me to describe my sexuality years ago, I would have gone straight onto Google (I actually did this) to look up the term sexuality. What did that encompass? How would I describe mine?!? I had no clue...

Now I would describe myself and my sexuality as gentle, strong, sensual, sexy, beautiful, alive, powerful, erotic, mystical, innocent and the list goes on and on. 

I know how to turn myself on and how to tell my lover (aka boyfriend) what I like and what I want. 

Am I perfect at this? Nope. But I’m 400% better at it than I was.

I continue to use the egg as a tool to learn about my body, keep her in good health. 

******

2. The jade egg can help you overcome whatever it is that is holding you back from being your fullest, most beautiful, most sexy self.

When I bought my first egg, it was about a year before I could even try to put the thing inside of me. I’d look at the little wonder with trepidation and worry and even fear. 

And the first times I tried to ease the egg into my vagina, I felt deep nausea and disgust come up. I just could not do it. 

So I learned to listen to my body. And my pussy. And work with her slowly. Until finally, gradually, over time she opened up to the little egg welcomed it in.

I came to realise that was surfacing was decades old beliefs and conditioning I had inherited from growing up in a religion that shamed masturbation and self-pleasure, a culture that labeled women who enjoyed sex too much as trashy, and a deep fear embedded in me around how sex would destroy my life (from disease, pregnancy, disrepute, the list goes on). 

It took some time to work through all of this. To trust my body. Trust my pleasure. And welcome it back in my body. 

The jade egg practices proved to be a practical way for me to do this. 

******

3. The jade egg will help you feel deeply nourished and alive

When I incorporate the jade egg into my daily life, I feel more fresh, vitalised and renewed. I sleep better. I feel fuller and more content. 

When you work with the jade egg deep in your body it can act as a kind of internal masseur, releasing tension and tightness (stuck energy) from your tissues and muscles. 

This allows for a more free flow of vital energy throughout your body, making you feel more vibrant and alive, or deeply relaxed depending on who you are. 

******

4. The jade egg helps increase sensitivity in your vagina

Remember how I was explaining before about all of those layers of conditioning that were causing me so many problems? 

Well, not only would I feel nausea with my jade egg practices, but I would also numb out during sex. Or feel burning sensations. 

What the heck? I thought sex was supposed to feel good all the time?!? That’s what Hollywood says anyway. I was sold a line? Why does no one talk about this?

Turns out if you, like me, carry emotional baggage of some sort, chances are your body has built up a barrier around feeling things. Love your body for doing this – it’s just trying to keep you safe. 

But now that part of you needs to learn that it’s ok to relax. 

As I learned to feel safe in my sexiness, I began to notice more feeling in my vagina. I started having cervical orgasms! And vaginal ones as well. 

Woohooo!!! It’s like a part of me that had gone into a long slumber was slowly coming alive again. 

******

5. The jade egg gives you permission to try on as many flavours of sexiness as you can imagine - it’s infinitely fun

Guided jade egg practices gave me a safe container within which to explore flavours of sensuality that I’d not previously allowed myself. 

I discovered I could be wild and still be wholesome. 

That I could be both erotic and innocent. 

I could surrender completely or take charge. 

Sexiness could be sacred or primal.

It was my choice. My pleasure. My body. My self-discovery. 

And in it I found so many parts of myself that I had buried away. 

Why do I think you might like the jade egg?

Because I know you are dying to know all the sides of yourself too. You are curious. You live your life courageously. You are bold. You are brave. 

You are exceptional. 

And remember, I’ve been there. You’ll have my support the whole way through. 

******

6. Jade Egg practices when done regularly heal your body. Here’s how: 

• Increase pelvic floor and vaginal wall strength

• Increase sensitivity in your vagina and your entire pelvic region

• Fortify a body / mind connection critical to enhancing pleasure and intimacy during sex with a partner or solo

• Feel empowered by your sexuality as you understand intimately how your body works

• Become more sensitive to energy and how it moves in your body

In my own personal experience in my own body it has also:

• Reduced and eliminated pain, burning and numbness in my vagina

• Steadied and normalized my menstrual cycle

• Reduced premenstrual symptoms of cramping and soreness

• Uplifted and balanced my emotions and my energy

• Gave me inner confidence by knowing and understanding my body’s ability to experience pleasure alone and with a partner

But don’t just take it from me. Here’s a YouTube vid where I interview a fellow jade egg coach on her own experience: How the jade egg helped one woman find love

Let your voice be heard in bed – and experience more pleasure

I used to really hold back in bed. 

I was afraid of what my neighbours might think if I made too much noise. 

I was afraid of the noises that wanted to come out – some of them were veeeerrrrryyyy far from sexy. 

And so I’d clamp down on my vocal cords and barely let out a peep during the whole event. 

Knowing what I know now, that was totally CRAZY. 

When you open your body fully to allow for the free-flow of energy through it, you allow for the full and full-bodied experience of pleasure.

Opening your body up fully involves letting loose your voice. 

And not just the performance-based sounds you hear in films and movies. You’ll want to work with the full range of sound available to you to understand what enables the best sexual response. 

This has been my personal experience AND there’s science behind it. 

Visceral sounding that comes from deep within you can trigger the vagus nerve, one of the main nerves that runs throughout your whole body from your brain all the way down to your cervix, uterus and vagina. 

The ups and downs, the rhythms, the tonality and range of your voice can activate this nerve, increase its connections within the body and facilitate orgasm and pleasure.

The vagus nerve supports relaxation in your body. It gets you out of the ‘fight flight freeze’ state which inhibits sexual arousal. 

As you relax, your sexual energy is free to move like an electrical current through your vagus nerve all up and down your body.

Once I allowed myself to ‘sound’ freely, my whole experience of sex changed. 

But it didn’t just happen over night. It took some practice.

How to use sound in sex: 

Mind preparation

Let go of judgement.

Don’t worry about what the neighbours will think, what your partner will think, or even what you think about the sounds that come forth. 

This is a grand experiment and we’re here to learn, not to perform at the Scala. 

So we want free-form and lots of trial and error. 

Repeat this mantra throughout your practice:

It’s good to sound. 

It’s good to sound. 

It’s good to sound.   

Heart preparation

Accept yourself for whatever you experience. 

And for whatever your ‘sexy sounds’ are – they’ll likely be very different from the Hollywood version. When was anything that came from Hollywood real anyway? 

It’s sexual linguistics - we’re here to learn what yours sounds like. 

Love yourself for even going there. Like a sexy explorer, you’re out to experience pleasure like it’s never been experienced before! And that takes courage, humility and bravery. 

You’ve got all of that!! Go for it. 

Repeat this mantra throughout your practice:

It’s beautiful to sound. 

It’s beautiful to sound. 

It’s beautiful to sound.  

Body preparation

Let your jaw drop open.

Inhale and exhale out of your mouth.

Bring your focus to different parts of your body – to your pussy, to your breasts, to your belly, to your legs. 

Notice the sensations there and then…SOUND THEM OUT. 

Give your womb a voice, your ovaries, your vagina, your labia and move throughout your entire body.

Your entire body is an instrument of erotic bliss.  

Wake it up with sound. 

And experiment!! 

Repeat this mantra throughout your practice:

It’s safe to sound. 

It’s safe to sound. 

It’s safe to sound.

Enjoy the liberation that sounding in sex brings.

Curious to know if it works for men too? Read my post on sounding for men here.

Journaling: A simple powerful tool to build confidence in dating and relationships

Journaling is a great way to work through the tough stuff and really know yourself. 

And really knowing yourself (and loving yourself for being YOU), is what actually builds your confidence from the inside out so that when you are on dates or in a relationship you feel grounded and confident no matter what happens.

Knowing and loving the parts of you that you’ve pushed into the shadows, the parts of you that you’ve been ashamed of, that you’ve feared being, the parts that feel like they are not worthy of love is especially powerful.

Acknowledging and accepting these parts of you allows you to stand in your full power. To show up as your fullest self.

And to open your heart and mind fully to another person – feel safe in doing so. There’s nothing to hide.

So if you want a deep, connected relationship, let’s get you started writing.

What you need

A journal or notebook. It doesn’t have to be fancy.

Your favourite pen / pencil.

A daily practice of writing. This can be anywhere from a few minutes of free form writing (whatever comes to mind). Or a more structured practice like the one I share below.

Get started - Journaling the Shadow

Shadow work (getting to know the parts of ourselves that we tend to push back into the shadows of our mind and hearts) is a fantastic way to create more compassion for ourselves. Here’s a way into shadow work through journaling.

Step 1: Write down 3 things you'd hate to be accused of

For example, many men are afraid of being accused of being selfish, mean, a bully, weak, or a pushover.

Step 2: Write down a time when you actually were this way and what resulted from it.

I was very selfish in my last relationship and it made me feel alone. My partner eventually left me.

Step 3: And another time when it served you

I was selfish when I decided to stay home from a family gathering because it would have been too stressful. I'm glad I stayed home because it was what I really needed. 

Step 4: Own this part of you fully

Say out loud – I am a selfish man. Feel it in your body. Know that it's only a part of you – a part that sometimes serves you. And so it is welcome and necessary – when the time is right.

Still not convinced? Hear me out.

I remember when I first met Naz. 

I was late for our first date – a picnic in the park.

It was a bright sunny day outside and we sat for hours chatting and munching on small bites as the clouds shifted quickly across the deep blue sky. 

Naz shared with me not only the good parts of his life – where he’s travelled to, the friends he has – but also the challenging stuff. The things that hurt and were hard. 

We went deep. 

It was only afterwards that Naz told me that he doesn’t normally share the tough stuff with people he’s just met. 

Or with anyone for that matter. 

When you accept all parts of you, exactly as you are, that’s when the magic happens. 

Naz felt confident enough in himself that day to open up and reveal parts of him and his life that showed me the man he was. 

The guy I fell in love with. 

Was he perfectly 100% confident in all ways? Nope. 
Was it enough? 
Yep. 

It was.

Learn about my bespoke men’s coaching programme and apply to work with me on building your confidence from the inside out.

What C-suite execs need to know about keeping what's private private as dating and intimacy move further into cyberspace

‘Make sure that you use a pseudonym on all documents you share with me.’

When you’re a relationships coach for C-suite leaders at high-profile tech companies, privacy and security are of extreme concern. And when the subject of conversation is intimacy, even more so.

‘Like Albert Einstein or something. Yeah, call me Albert Einstein,’ he insisted. 

And so it was. 

Dating has moved into cyberspace – the lockdown commands online connection as a first port-of-call in getting to know someone. And increasingly, as a 2nd and 3rd and 4th as the weeks in ‘isolation’ roll by.

Zoom dates are the new norm. And as things heat up, intimacy moves online as well. 

Sexting is the new language of love. And video dates become more and more steamy over time.

I’ve pulled together this guide to protect your privacy online. 

So you don’t have to call yourself Albert…unless you really want to.

Safe sexy Zoom room for your date

How to stay safe and secure on a Zoom date so you can relax and enjoy it. 

Be the one to host the Zoom meeting and...

• Use a plain wall or Virtual Background to protect anonymity

• Chat Auto-Saving Off

• Keep updating the Zoom app whenever you can for the latest security updates

• Never use our personal meeting ID, instead allow Zoom to create a random number for each meeting

• Require a meeting password

  • And we check the sharing link to be sure it doesn’t contain it if posting publicly

  • “Copy Invitation” functionality might include your meeting password

  • We look out for an unusually long URL with a question mark in it, which indicates it includes our meeting password.

• Never ever use your Facebook sign-in 

• Do not share the link or the meeting ID on public platforms

• Set screen sharing to "host only"

• Disable file transfer

• Disable "join before host"

• Disable "allow removed participants to rejoin"

  “Attention Tracking” Off 

  Further reading: https://sextechguide.com/privacy/zoom-bedroom-safe-secure-privacy/

  Recommendations from the Electronic Frontier Foundation (EFF.org)

Sexting privacy: 

What to look out for: Secure = strong end-to-end encryption 

No one can see what you share during a call. 

If someone intercepted your messages, or found them on a server somewhere, they would see gibberish, not the actual text of a conversation. 

Signal 

Most Secure Overall 

1:1 Video + Messaging platform

Signal is also open-source, peer-reviewed, and routinely audited, which means it’s pretty much always up to date from a security standpoint.

Consider other platforms

These other platforms for video / chatting are also secure. 

Zoom has had privacy challenges in the past so do your homework and go with what feels best to you.

Read more about the options below here: 

https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2020/apr/08/zoom-privacy-video-chat-alternatives#maincontent

Jitsi Meet

Secure video platform for online meetings

Skype 

Secure video + chat capability

Facetime

Secure video + chat capability

Long live online love!

Calm, nourish and stabilize yourself - body, mind + soul

I’m sharing this FREE audio-guided grounding deep meditation practice 

To stabilise and nourish you body, mind and soul

Download the audio files here

Being human has never been easy

But that doesn’t mean we have to do this alone

Especially in these exceptional times

So here’s one of my favourite practices from my coaching programme for those wanting to create love in their lives. 

Filling yourself up with good, nourishing energy is key

It allows you to share love from a place of fullness and overflow

And by doing so you attract in more of the same

Right now we all can use filling up with all the love we can get! 

And unlike loo roll, there’s an infinite amount of love on the planet to draw from. 

So put on some calming music

Hit play on the audio

And soak it up

So much love from me to you.

Starting a relationship in the era of Covid-19 is possible. Here’s how.

Ok so I’ll admit it, whilst I’m not a huge proponent of online dating I did meet my current partner on Tinder. 

And for many others in long-distance relationships, cultivating a new relationship over the digi-sphere is nothing new. 

So whilst I encourage people to meet in person quite quickly after they meet online, this strategy has shifted considering the environment that we live in. 

And since we don’t really know how long we’ll be living in partial or full lockdown, I wanted to prepare you for whatever comes.

Here’s how to date in the era of Corvid-19:

1. Make tech your friend. Go online, but not obsessively.

Update your profile if you have a dusty one. Or create a new one if you’ve never had one to begin with. 

You are aiming for maximum authenticity in your profile. A true representation of you. It’s difficult to be objective about ourselves so run your online persona by a friend or two who aren’t afraid to be honest and ask if they feel it’s an accurate representation of who you are. 

Don’t spend more than 7-10 minutes a day (!!) on the app. And once you’ve swiped right on 9 people, halt the motion and work with those 9 humans. 

More tips on how to best play the dating apps from dating expert Nichi Hodgson.

2. Cyberspace is the place to be

Should you meet in person?

No!

Even if your potentially soon-to-be sexual partner shows no symptoms, they could be a carrier of coronavirus. This is NOT a sexy ‘how we first met’ story for the grandkids. It’s just not. 

Fortunately we have the tech to help bridge the gap between the static 2D photo of us online and our living breathing 3D selves. Skype, Zoom, WhatsApp…the options are there.

Ok so meeting in a video conference isn’t exactly the 3rd dimension but it’s close enough for now. 

Whilst you won’t get the potentially intoxicating hit of someone’s scent or feel the temperature of their touch, you’ll get lots more info than if you are simply texting or speaking on the phone. 

3. How long do you wait before hopping from text to video? 

Same rule applies here as they did in a corona free world – the sooner the better. 

You can get a pretty good sense of someone from meeting them via video. 

Just keep in mind this is still not the full picture. Some people are actually quite different in ‘real life’ than they are even ‘on camera’. 

And it takes quite some time to really get to know someone well enough to qualify them as relationship material. 

4. How do I show up strong on a virtual date?  

I recommend following all the ‘in person’ etiquette you normally would: 

• Be on time

• Dress the part

• Be fully present

Set aside the time separate from work. No sneaky dates in between WFH meetings.

Take time to switch from ‘work mode’ to ‘date mode’.You don’t want to bring your badass boss attitude to date time…unless that’s your thing.

Change your clothes, preen. Present yourself as you would on a date.  Be ready to engage fully with the person on the other end of the line.

If you do decide to buck social distance protocol and meet in person (not recommended), be safe – meet in a populated public space like a park in daytime. Let someone know where you’ve gone. And until you reach a high level of trust and safety, don’t meet at each other’s homes. 

5. What to do on the first few dates

Again, this follows ‘real world’ considerations: 

Make the first few dates short ones. Have a virtual coffee together. Or a virtual vino. Though keep in mind alcohol compromises the immune system so you might want to skip the bubbly. 

Gradually up the time you spend together over time. Long-distance relationship pros often decide on an activity that connects them such as low commitment games like Words With Friends. 

You can then work up to candle lit dinners.

Watching Netflix together is also good. Ok it’s minus the cuddles, but those will come soon enough. More on bridging the physical intimacy gap later in this article. 

Whatever you decide to do together, communication is key. To maintain the connection though, you have to be vulnerable.

Being vulnerable means sharing your emotional world with another in an open and honest way. It involves a bit of risk taking. And discernment as you decide whether you are ready to trust another with the landscape of your inner world. And if they are ready to receive it. 

Read more about how to be vulnerable here.

Vulnerability fosters emotional intimacy and even mental intimacy.

But what about the physical stuff?

6. When is the right time to ‘go all the way’? 

As things heat up between the two of you, physical intimacy may come into the picture. But how, you ask?  And when’s the right time for that? 

We don’t talk about sex enough – with our long-term partners, with our friends – never mind with our dates. 

So I see this period as an exceptional opportunity to establish open communication around what you like, what you don’t like, and how you want it. 

In fact, communication is SO key to having better sex, that this could be the beginning of the best sex you’ve ever had simply because you have set a precedent that talking about what you want is ok.

Getting comfortable with talking about your desires and listening to your partner’s as well can be a challenge. 

It involves letting go of the shame that we’ve learned to associate with sex. 

It also demands a high level of trust. You don’t want to share anything that you are not ready to, not even verbally. Know your boundaries and respect them. You don’t have to be with someone physically to feel violated. 

If it’s just not feeling right, then get out fast. Slam that laptop shut. 

The ‘right’ time is when you both feel ready to up-level on intimacy. We can take a leaf out of the book of long-distance lovers who recommend starting slowly with sexting on WhatsApp (more secure than messaging) and working from there.  

And as in the ‘real world’ make sure you are taking care of yourself through a healthy self-pleasure practice. 

It’s beneficial to let this become habit as healthy sex, whether solo or with someone, boosts the immune system (key right now), allows for emotional expression and improves mental health. 

It takes the pressure off of our unrealistic expectation that our partner should want the same amount of sex that we do at the same time. As if! 

Make sure you’re getting a regular dosage of nourishing solo sex – it’s one of the best things you can do for yourself – and your sex life. 

You don’t have to wait for the coronavirus to pass before moving forward with your personal life. You can do the ground work now to prepare you for the partnership of a lifetime. 

Email me here to sign up for a free 15 minute clarity call: andrea@lushcoaching.com

Change is more than a verbal process - The power of working with your body

Sitting behind a computer year in and year out, decade in decade out takes its toll on a body. 

Don’t get me wrong, I loved my job in technology for many reasons. I felt like a pioneer in the early days of the dot com era in New York City. 

And I loved the mental challenge of the work. And the creativity that innovation required – my fellow ‘web designers’ and I were virtually creating things ‘from scratch’ as the internet itself was just newly born.  

However my body wasn’t loving it. I felt a palpable shift to city life from a childhood spent outdoors. 

In New England the seasons are well defined. And one thing suburban sprawl allowed for was a clear sensual experience of the bite of intense bone-chilling cold in winter, springtime awakening to brightness, technicolor and lightness of the new, a mellowing into sultry sweaty summer days at high-intensity heat to  the crisp autumn crunchiness of leaves under feet and once a return to the clip of chill in the air.

20 years of revolving doors, closed office spaces cut me off almost entirely from the rhythm of the seasons. The intense mental focus and ‘toughening up’ to big city life and a corporate career asked for – demanded I felt – a shut down of feeling and flow in my body. 

And my innate sensuality. 

There were small escapes…swims in a chlorinated blue rectangle when I could find one, hip hop classes where I could move my body in impossible rhythms. Cooking with spices from distant places all available a block or two away. And an occasional train ride to sandy shores.  

It was not enough. 

I also felt the incredible absence of touch. And the solitude that comes with that.

In my family amongst my siblings we are quite tactile. Perhaps it’s because we’re of the Mediterranean, maybe it’s because my mother encouraged play and closeness amongst us. 

I realised just how nourishing and just how much I needed touch only when I no longer had it around. 

I work with the body [ guided hands off practices only ] as much as the mind and emotions of the people who come to me for coaching. This is because the body holds so much of the weight of the past.

For me it held on to years and years of shut down and turning off so I could be productive and efficient. And to protect myself from those I was attracted to but also feared – sex was dangerous. There were diseases. Risk of pregnancy. Life ruining consequences. So it was safer to abstain. 

And love equally scary. What if I chose the wrong person? What if I broke someone’s heart? What if they hurt me? 

Better to stay away. 

Working with my body in very specific and informed ways held the key to releasing all of this and a whole bunch of other stuff that was holding me back from fully expressing myself – and thus from finding love. 

I continue to work with body-based practices in my coaching practice because it doesn’t tell stories. 

The mind LOVES stories. And you can get lost in them, talking it out..or rather around it all... sometimes for years. 

And after all of the talking, still stuck. 

Change is more than a verbal process.

You might be easily aware of your emotions, thoughts, and behaviours on a surface level, and may even experience insight into them.

But it’s when you feel all of this in your body on a very deep level, that you can work with it directly, release it swiftly, and experience freedom from whatever it is that is blocking you from the life you want to live.

And the love that is meant for you. 

Don’t get me wrong, accessing the power of the mind is important. It’s critical that body, mind and emotions (or heart) are all activated and in sync.

And that’s just the thing. ALL PARTS OF US need to be in sync in order for us to truly make progress and move forward. Into feeling, behaving and thinking differently so that we get different results in life. In dating. In relationships. In intimacy. AND in sex. 

It’s all there.

Releasing the blockers, body mind and soul is key to being able to show up on dates, in relationship, and in life as your fullest most authentic self. And be loved for it. 

It also allows space for you to access the wisdom that you hold within. And that is easily accessed through the body as well.

If you’ve already done lots of self-development work and have talked it out…

And perhaps have also tried some reiki, meditation, yoga, mindfulness, breathwork, shamanic healing, plant medicines, you name it…

Just like I did.

Here’s the yurt in Peru where I first experienced ayahuasca – powerful medicine!

And you’re still stuck. 

Then body-based therapeutic catalytic coaching with me might be right for you. 

Book in a free 15 minute chat with me to find out. 

“I’ve changed. I know how to deal with my emotions better. I allow myself to feel. As a man I’ve not felt I can feel anger, jealousy or sadness for instance. With Andrea I’ve learned how to feel strong emotions so that

It’s a different sort of coaching and it’s opened my eyes to new ways of being. I’ve had access to practices and exercises that are not readily available in the world.

It’s completely different from anything that I’ve already done. 

I’ve gotten clarity on how to access what I want in my relationship. And it’s paying dividends.

Communication is more open and my relationship is stronger. I have the tools I need to have that.”

— Rev

“It has been a week of releasing years of being in fight or flight mode.
 
I have slowed in body and breath, checking in when I am tense and holding belly, jaw, breath and releasing it. 
 
I have been ruled by this underlying trauma all these years. The work we are doing is flushing it out.

Just by the simple act of creating space for my pleasure and being supported by you in it, a huge chasm of shame has disappeared, replaced with a sense of love and the deep knowing that my pleasure is within my own grasp and no one else’s. 
 
I recognized the reason for the reaching for and grasping from others I have done so much if in my past relationship on SO many levels. I was overlooking that the depth of my power lies right here, in me.
”

—   Sophia

“Never once before in my 60 years had the concept been shared with me that my male body and my sexuality held deep, powerful, trustworthy sacred wisdom. Certainly not believably. Quite the opposite, in fact. 

Since our work together, I trust instead, or at least certainly far more than ever before, my own deepest truth, sense and vision.”

— Tim