Maximising Pleasure : The 5 stages of lovemaking

We’re sold the same story over and again – that there is a one fast track to gratifying sex (a.k.a. orgasm) and it looks like this:

It’s as if lovemaking were a sprint to the finish with not much happening before, after...or for that matter even during the act. 

It all happens virtually at one speed – fast. 

And one intensity (or one energy (as I like to think of it) – hard. 

Fast and hard. 

And then 💥 EXPLOSION 💥

Within a few glorious (if short-lived) minutes

It’s all over.

Before it’s hardly even begun.

Some say we learned this way of having sex from porn and follows the male sexual response patterning of fast and hard as porn is made mainly made by men for men (though there are notable exceptions). 

Others blame Hollywood which supports the culminating moment as a ka-pow! With little else. 

The fact of the matter is, the vast majority of us have learned about making love from either or both of these 2 sources. 

And wow are they limited as teaching aids. 

Lovemaking as a JOURNEY OF DISCOVERY

The journey of lovemaking is, in fact, just that – a journey. 

And if you think of the best journeys you’ve been on, you’ll likely tell me that they have been filled with exploration and discovery and adventure.

That there were unexpected twists and turns and unpredictability. 

That there were moments that sparkled with excitement and action. 

And times where you relaxed back into blissful peace and stillness. 

There was a deep connection with yourself and with others through all of it.

And sometimes things worked out as you planned. 

And sometimes they didn’t. 

But it was all just part of the adventure. 

And when you let go enough, there was a natural flow and an organic unfolding that felt right and perfect no matter what happened.

Maximizing pleasure is all about opening up to the possibility of the unknown. 

Of the adventure. And experiencing the variety of what comes. 

It’s about celebrating whatever happens. Of really being with yourself and the person you are with. 

Even if it doesn’t turn out as you’d expected.  

The journey looks something like this: 

And it can be broken down into 5 distinct stages.

Stage 1 : Desire

“Love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery. Love likes to shrink the distance that exists between me and you, while desire is energized by it. If intimacy grows through repetition and familiarity, eroticism is numbed by repetition. It thrives on the mysterious, the novel, and the unexpected. Love is about having; desire is about wanting. An expression of longing, desire requires ongoing elusiveness. It is less concerned with where it has already been than passionate about where it can still go. But too often, as couples settle into the comforts of love, they cease to fan the flame of desire. They forget that fire needs air.”

— Esther Perel, Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic

Sparkling desire: the first effervescent moments of fires lit and butterflies fluttering

Love…or lust...sometimes shows up in our bodies as a spark. 

We’re taken off-guard. It’s unexpected. We feel an instant inexplicable draw towards someone

The butterflies appear as if from out of the blue. Tongues tie. Jaws drop.
Desire can also be slow burning. It can show up as a slow gentle warming. Our curiosity becomes piqued the more we get to know someone

We begin to know them from the inside out

And they become more attractive over time.

However it happens, desire is discovery. Its mystery. Suggestion. Teasing.

It’s an anticipation of exploring the unknown. 

Each time you make love, approach it with the mind of an explorer, open and ready to journey into the unknown, whatever that may bring. 

Stage 2 : Yang

Yang - Crescendo: eros builds sensual touch developing very gradually into rhythm over time warming bodies, hearts and minds cresting again and again in waves of pleasure

Yang erotic energy is outward going, hot, pointed and directional. In this stage of lovemaking, you are building energy and heat. 

This stage begins with sensual, playful, undirected teasing touch, bites and nibbles. 

As your turn-on builds, you can spread it throughout your entire body by imagining it travelling from it’s starting point outwards and upwards. 

Upwards towards your heart and mind and outwards towards your arms and limbs. 

This spreading of your erotic energy (a.k.a. your turn-on) to all parts of your body is what is known as full-body orgasmic bliss. 

Note: We tend to get carried away in lovemaking sometimes by the intensity of the bodily sensations and other times into our heads. 

• Stay present throughout the time you are with someone. 

• 50% of the focus is on you and what you are experiencing, your pleasure. 

• 50% is on them and their experience.

• Keep coming back to your body again and again. To the moment. 

• Maintain eye contact to stay connected to your partner. 

And let go of expectations.

Stage 3 : Yin

Yin - Relaxing back: a gentle relaxing back and deepening into the richness of the exquisite moment

Yin erotic energy is soft, receptive, yielding, liquid, expanding. Relaxing back into yin allows for a deepening of erotic experience. 

It gives space for pure connection and a savouring of the present moment. 

“For sexual union to be fulfilling we need to honor in equal measure, the naturally occurring waves of Yang and Yin that hold the fabric of our formed world together. ”

— Ma Ananda Sarita , Tantra master and mystic

It allows your body to feel the nourishing pleasure cool as it courses through your bodies. 

Only to build again in the next wave.

In yin stages, you can lie with your bodies slightly apart, legs entwined. This allows you to stay connected through soft gaze. You can place your hands on each other’s heart centres. Speak lovingly and gently to each other or not at all. Whatever feels best. 

-- Cycle through yin + yang --

Experiment. Try cycling through yin and yang phases a few times. This allows the energy to build, greatly enhancing your experience. 

Your pleasure journey might look something like this:

First round yang

Sensual touch. Biting. Licking. Stroking. Caressing. Free-flowing movement. Exploration. Open up heart centre + belly. 

Next round yin

Work from outside in coming closer to the sex centre. Allow in more rhythmic movement as free-flow continues. Open up sex centre with direct touch.

Third round yang

Energy builds to overflowing.  Spread the energy throughout your body. Rhythmic movement and edging – relax back from the point of no return and orgasm.

Stage 4 : Spilling over // Storing the Energy

Choice point: Spilling over or Store the Energy

Let go and surrender into orgasm OR take the energy that you have generated and store it in your body to be repurposed for whatever you’d like to do in the world.

Spilling over: 

Surrender into pleasure and bliss allows for a peak experience. This can be orgasm or orgasmic bliss where you let go completely and allow yourself to dissolve into the pleasure. 

Storing energy: 

Erotic energy is creative energy and it can be stored, according to the Taoist tradition, by drawing it into one of your power centres (sex centre, heart centre or 3rd eye). You can draw the energy in by imagining it spiralling into one of the these centres in your body. 

For more in depth understanding of this practice, contact me and I’ll talk you through it. 

Stage 5 : Afterglow

Afterglow: peaceful shimmers...and so...it begins again

Desire is a flame that needs tending to.

And Love is a verb. 

A healthy relationship is warmed by the fires of mystery and desire – give space when it’s needed.

And held together by the safety and security of the closeness of love.  

Yin. Yang. 

Distance. Closeness. 

May the sacred dance between us continue.

3 ways to experience more pleasure (and less pain) in sex

When it comes to accessing your pleasure, all it takes is a shedding. A shedding of that which blocks you from feeling pleasure fully – or at all. 

Over the years, battle with the world, past relationships, rejections, sexual confusion, negative messaging from society and culture around sex and our sexiness is collected in our bodies. 

We build up a kind of protective shield like body armour to batten up our defences – and to stop us from feeling the yuck of all of that. 

Problem is, it also closes us off to the good stuff – the nuanced experience of exquisite sensuality – and from the experience of orgasm. 

So we end up feeling nothing at all in sex (with ourselves or with others). 

Or intense physical pain and discomfort during sex – exactly the opposite of what we hope to experience!

Good news is, you can learn to unlock your body and shed the armour you’ve built up. Peel off the layers. Feel sensations of pleasure and connection with ourselves and our partners.

Here are 3 ways to start the process of de-armouring your body: 

Breathe

Breathe into the parts of you that are stuck or numb or in pain. Imagine that the breath softens these places in you, relaxes them, and that you are breathing in space into your body.

Sound

Give voice to whatever you are feeling. Allow whatever sounds that want to emerge to come out. With no judgement on what or how it’s sounding. It’s all welcome.

Safety + Love

Reinforce a sense of safety and love in your body by reminding yourself that you are in fact safe (as long as this is true and you are physically and emotionally in a safe place.

Remind yourself that it is safe to feel. Safe to cry. Safe to be vulnerable. Safe to express whatever is there even if it doesn’t look or feel nice.

And love yourself for going there.

Feel into your heart as you repeat to yourself – You are safe. You are loved. I love you.

Remember that this is a journey that takes time. Every body is different. Every timeline is different. 

Know that whatever you experience, wherever you are with this, is exactly right. 

You are perfect. 

3 simple ways to find love faster

If you're anything like I was, you're sick and tired of the endless dating cycle by now. 
You'd give anything to make the process of finding love (or as I see it, creating love), faster. 

You may have already fallen in love once or twice before in your lifetime (and if you haven't yet...don't worry – you are not alone). 

So you don't need me to tell you that falling in love is an incredible process of expansion. 

You feel yourself grow almost physically larger than life. Your heart explodes outwards. 
You see the world differently. 

As we get to know another, we see the world – our world – and ourselves through their eyes.

So really falling in love is an expansion into YOU.
You discover more about who YOU are. And fall in love with yourself as much as with another person.

And this is an incredible experience.

Oooo .. wait.. I can hear you now…

“But Andrea, how is this insight going to help me now? I’m single! 
I need to find my person first before I can benefit from this expansion business.”

Bullsh*t, I say. 

Not only can you experience the expansive amazingness of falling in love NOW
But it’s going to help you bring the person that’s going to invite you to know yourself more quickly into your life.  

Here are 3 simple ways that you can begin the process of falling in love NOW and attract in someone who’ll join the ride with you:

1. Fill your own gaps - are you looking for someone good with money because you suck with money? Let me tell you this, people good with money do their best to AVOID those who are not good with it. Looking for an artist type to help you realise your creative side? GET IN THE DRAWING STUDIO and see who you meet when you’re there. Filling the gaps feeds off of the misdirected belief that someone else should ‘complete’ us. Yes, there is a lot to learn from another in relationship, but expecting that other person to fill you up is draining. Learn to feed your own needs and desires in life so you are free to love the other person for who they are – not just what they bring to the relationship. That’s a ‘what can I get from this’ mentality and it doesn’t make for a healthy relationship.

2. Fall in love with your ‘faults’ - Do you look round you only to see people in the world who are non-committal? Or who don’t lack inspiration? Now turn the gaze upon yourself. Is there some part of you that’s afraid of commitment? Or that feels bored by life? THAT’S what wants loving. And some attention. Once you give these parts of you some TLC, then you’ll begin to notice, through inspired eyes, that there’s more out there (and in people) that you’d first seen.

3. Love who you are NOW. What parts of you or qualities in you light your own fire. Add some fuel to that flame and let yourself shine!!! This is a surefire way to attract more of what you already love into your life.

You’ve got this.

Turn up the volume on lovin’ yourself and filling you with what you need, and the world (of lovely available people), becomes your oyster.

Create Love – Part 2 : Overcome resistance and roadblocks

Before sitting down to write this, I realised that I ‘needed’ a coffee. And then that the laundry ‘needed’ to be run. Oh, and then I remembered that an email ‘needed’ responding to…and then...and then…

Let’s call this like it is – Resistance!!

Some part of you is resisting your moving forward to getting the love and partnership that you want. 

Resistance can rule your life if you don’t watch out.

So it’s best to learn how to work with it.

If you made it this far, you are ready to actively create the love that you want in your life. You have a clear idea about what that looks like. You may already have started to create that by bringing it into 5D* – embedding it in your mind, body and soul. 

* I explain the importance of 5Ding what you want into all parts of you here: Create Love - Part 1 - The fastest (and surest) way to the relationship of a lifetime.

If you’ve done Part 1, you’ve begun to experience what it will feel like on a daily basis to be in the relationship that you envision. 

And you’ve got a daily practice in place to support you in this. If you follow the 5D model, that’s a daily recording you’re listening to at key moments in the day. 

And then…resistance shows up

What is resistance? 

Maybe you start to ‘forget’ to do your daily practice of listening + feeling. Or you think that you might be better served by more rest and drop back to sleep. 

Those are some of the symptoms of resistance.

Symptoms of resistance can look like:

• Tiredness (my fav…think I need another nap)

• Boredom

• Procrastination

• Busy-ness / no time

• Irritability + crankiness

And then the voices start and you get totally thrown off track:

• You begin to doubt whether it’s even worth it

• If it matters that much

• If it’s really attainable

• And even whether you really want it

And you move from the tangible feeling your future relationship in your hands NOW, to a drop back into your old self (your old vibration) and the old familiar way of being. 

Say what?!!? 

You’ve owned up to the fact that a partnership that lasts is the single-most important thing for you right now – it’s at the top of that long list of desires – and now you’re telling me that you’re not even sure you want it? 

Watch out, because that’s fear and self-doubt at play. NOT what your soul truly wants.

So what is really going on here? 

What is the root cause of the resistance?

It’s super easy to fall back into old beliefs and their corresponding thought and behavioural patterns because like well-paved roads – they feel familiar. And in that familiarity they feel safe.

So whilst we begin to understand how they limit us and our potential for new experiences, we continue to cling to what is safe and familiar.

The obvious problem with continuing down the well-paved road is that it will lead us where we’ve already been and NOT in the new direction. The new direction which will lead us to the new reality of the relationship that we’ve so clearly defined in the 5D process and have begun to feel in our bodies as real and attainable.

Well-paved roads are in fact, sets of learned beliefs and associated emotions from culture, society, our families and other past experiences that want re-writing. 

Resistance is the part(s) of ourselves that are trying desperately to hold on to these old ways and want to continue down the old well-paved roads.

These parts of us buried deep in our subconscious have yet to believe we’ll survive a different way of being.

They need reassurance that the new way we wan to live is going to be ok. And that you’ll survive it.

So how do we access these parts of ourselves that are resisting and show them we are ready to move forward?

The parts of us that carry the old beliefs and associated emotions get stored in our bodies on a physical level. And as such can be accessed through the physical body where we release them and free ourselves.

Talk therapy attempts to do this by accessing the analytical mind and the underlying emotions. As our minds are masterful at spinning stories. Many of us are familiar with the term ‘the monkey mind’ to describe our overactive brains. Getting beneath all the chatter to discover what is truly going on can take anywhere from several months to many years.

Whilst talk therapy can help many people, there is a faster and more direct way to reach the deeper parts of you that are resisting change. And that is through the physical body. 

How to access resistance and can I do it on my own?

You can learn to do this on your own. It’ll take some practice. And it’s much easier to do once you’ve been guided by a coach like me through a process called focusing.

Step 1

You’ll want to get quiet and still like you would in meditation or visualisation practices. Bring your focus inwards and let your eyelids gently close. This will help you really tune in to what is going on in your body.

Step 2

Bring to mind and really feel the emotions and sensory experiences of your 5D reality.

Step 3

Scan your body starting from the top of your head and working your way down. Feel into where the resistance sits – is it a heaviness in your belly? A tightness in your chest? A burning or numbness somewhere in your body?

Step 4

Once you locate the resistance bring your full awareness and attention to that place in you. Drop fully into the physical sensations of it so much so that you feel as if you have become the sensation.

Step 5

Begin to ask this part of your body the following and see what responses bubble up. Don’t try to make sense of it or figure it out, just see what arises:

What is your purpose?

What are you doing for me?

What do you need from me?

What do you need to know in order for me to move forward in life?

The answers that you get are the keys to giving yourself what you need so that you can realise your desire for relationship.

How to move forward

Once you’ve identified what is really going on and have identified what it is that you need to move forward, now it’s time to find a part of yourself that can give you this.

We’ve all got ‘power pieces’ inside of us that can support us in moving forward. There are parts of us that contain the strength and wisdom to support us to move forward in life.

Here’s how to access them:

Step 1

Repeat the body scan you did whilst still holding the vision for your future in your body mind.

This time notice the parts of your body that feel powerful and supportive. Maybe it’s a warming in your belly or a tingling in your arms.

Step 2

As this part of you if it’s willing to give you what was asked for so you can move forward.

Step 3

Have this part of you connect with the part of you that showed up as resistance so that it can ‘see’ you’ve got it covered.

Gently come back to the room and open your eyes.

Write down the ways that you can move from this place of power in your life.

For example, if your power piece showed up in your belly and resistance was in your throat, what are some ways for you to voice your truth or communicate more powerfully when with someone you are attracted to.

Consistently living from your power is what will allow you to create the healthy relationship you want in your life. You’ll be confident, grounded and your magnetism will draw in love.

How can a coach help

I’ve done the best I can to explain the powerful process I bring people through to get very fast results, however it is nothing next to experiencing it with expert guidance.

This is a deep process and requires some degree of connection with one’s own body and internal world – and it is not for everyone. Those who struggle to connect with their bodies and emotions but are open to doing so can be guided however and also experience excellent results.

The skill and experience of my abilities as a coach comes from years of working with this combined with other powerful modalities has proven to perfectly prepare people for exactly what they want – and they get it. Read what they have to say here.

In addition, it takes dedicated practice to pave a new road. I’ll be there with you to ensure that you stay with it and get what you want in life.  

We’ll journey together.

If you’d like to learn more about working with me, send me an email at andrea@lushcoaching.com

I offer free 15 minute intro chats to understand if coaching with me is right for the both of us.

Create Love - Part 1 - The fastest (and surest) way to the relationship of a lifetime

This is the first of a series of posts where I share with you my step-by-step method to help you actively create exactly what you want in the next decade of your life. Yes, the power is in your hands.

Let’s get right to the heart of it – the key to creating what you want in your life, according to neuroscientists + mystics alike, is to feel in your body – physically as well as emotionally and at the level of the mind – what it will be like to experience the thing that you want in your life now. 

Here’s how you can do that.

Step 1 : Write it out

You can begin this as a writing exercise. You’ll be working with your cognitive mind as you do this. The part of your brain that reasons and analyses things. Your mind, so to speak.

And then we’ll take it into your body where the deeper ‘work’ happens (that’s in Step 2). This deeper work is what takes this from a writing exercise which happens on a cognitive level to the deeper parts of your mind, the subconscious, where the actual change will begin to happen.

Our subconscious mind dictates 90% of what we do each day – the choices we make that set us up for creating healthy relationship and thriving. Or for avoiding what’s actually good for us or worse yet, missing it when it’s standing right in front of us.

Consider the following as you write: 

Physical reality (3Ds)

I desire a relationship that… 
Consider they type of person you’d like to be with and the relationship you’d like to have them, from the core values that you share such as trust and honesty, to the things you’ll do together like travelling or cooking. 

Emotional Reality (4th D)

I’ll feel…

Consider how you’ll feel when you have this person in your life. 
What emotions you’ll most experience
What more this person will bring to your life
What you’ll experience differently

Embodied Reality (5th D)

I see / hear / taste / smell / touch or feel…

Consider what will you experience through your 5 senses as you realise the thing you desire. 
Note: When I take my clients through this process they often describe things like the taste of their lover as they kiss them, or the perfume that they are wearing. 

Tip: Write it out by hand. Studies have shown it sticks better when you take pen to paper. 

Step 2: Re-programme mind + body

Now that your cognitive mind is onboard with the love and relationship that you’re going to create, let’s get your subconscious mind lined up too.

Record what you have written and listen to it daily first thing in the morning when you’re in that ‘almost awake’ state. Or as the last thing you listen to right before you drop off to sleep. 

When you’re in this drowsy, super-relaxed state, but not yet asleep, your brain waves are flowing at a frequency called ‘theta’. It’s when you have maximum access to your subconscious even though you are in a semi-conscious state. Now’s the time when you want to re-programme.

Tip: Super power your recording by adding theta wave music to bring you deeper. This will help bring you into a more relaxed focused state which allows your words to sink deeper into your mind to the level of the subconscious.
Your subconscious mind will now begin to work 24/7 with its new programming secured in. It will select instances and influence choices that you make in your everyday life that will support you in creating a new kind of relationship – the one that you know you really want.

Pretty neat, huh? Yeah, I think so too. 

This is what places my coaching practice on the cutting edge – and makes it so effective so fast. This body-based approach incorporates all parts of you on the deepest levels. And sets you up for a new experience of relationships and love. Schedule in a free call with me to speak with me about how you can speed up finding your person through this unique form of coaching.)

Step 3: And repeat. And repeat. And repeat…

You’ll want to listen to your new relationship reality over and over again. I’d recommend 30 to 60 to 90 days. Why?

The programming that you have in you now was formed over a number of years mostly in your early childhood. We got repeated messaging around how we weren’t doing enough or being enough in one way or another and lots of other not so helpful signaling that the relationship and love that we want is attainable by just being ourselves. If you hadn’t you’d have what you want and would not be reading this.

To create a new pathway in your brain that puts you on the route of autopilot (subconscious programming), ‘I deserve what I want in love and am worthy of it and every decision that I make and everything I do is a move in this direction’, will take some time to form.

So wax on, wax off it is. (Karate Kid reference unavoidable)

What’s next?

Note: As you begin to reprogramme, you may notice fear and doubt (aka resistance) show up. 

Resistance can look like that critical voice in your head that tells you you can’t do it, like a heaviness or tiredness suddenly coming on when you’re set to listen to your recording. Or even sit down at all to begin the process.

I teach you how to slay the dragon of resistance in Create Love - Part 2 here.

 
For now, focus on what you want to create – in 5 dimensions.

Ah, and a note on contentment and being ok with what you already have….

Most of us understand by now how important gratitude is to happiness. 

And so I bet you are grateful for what you’ve already experienced in life – the people you’ve got around you, the incredible challenges you’ve overcome and the resulting breakthrough moments, the softness, the warmth and luxuriousness of simple moments. 

And yet you desire more. 
More adventures. More exploration. More growth. 
But especially more love. 

We’re often told that this desire for ‘more’ is a bad thing. We should be content with what we’ve got and where we are at. And if you’re single and pretty happy with your life, you may sometimes ask yourself…but isn’t life pretty good as is? Maybe I don’t need a partner, you might think to yourself. 

And yet we’re here on the planet to experience life and to explore. 

It’s our very nature as humans to want to expand out into as many shapes and forms as we can imagine as we get to know ourselves.

So whilst it’s important to allow for sense of contentment and completion in where you are at now, it’s also only natural that you continue to desire more. 

Especially when that ‘more’ feels in alignment with you expanding as a person – expanding heart, mind and soul.

And relationship is arguably the single best way to continue to challenge yourself, to grow and to expand – certainly in ways that other relationships or your career do not allow for.

And so I ask you, what will expansion look like to you specifically as it relates to partnership and your intimate life?

3 surprising secrets to deepen intimacy - even if you are single

Like love that endures the test of time

And sex that remains powerful, potent, exciting and on fire long after the initial sparks and chemical cocktail in your body have subsided

Intimacy, that which brings us close and gives us the experience of being accepted for exactly who we are must also be cultivated.

And often created.

Actively.

Sitting around and waiting for love to come knocking on my door didn’t really work for me. Neither did obsessive action like serial dating or hours of swiping.

All of that outward focus didn’t do sh*t all.

Inner work did.

So I am going to share with you now the top 3 ways on how to create more intimacy in your life.

Yep, you guessed it – it starts by looking inwards.

Intimacy key 1: Truth-telling

What stories are you telling yourself? What narratives might your clever mind be weaving?

Might they sound like, ‘I don’t really have time right now for a relationship – work is really full on and anyway I have great friends.’ or ’I’m just not the kind of person that people are attracted to’.

Face your truth, however painful and scary so you can begin to own what you want.

Start by getting really radically truthful with yourself. Own your desires and what you really want in love – and in life, no matter how out of reach they feel.

It might sound like, ‘I really do want a relationship. And I’m going to carve out space for it. Though work is demanding and I care about my career, what matters most to me right now is doing what it takes for love to enter my life.’

Allow yourself to feel the pain of not having those things (you only get a few mins for this, it doesn’t help to get stuck here). It’s palpable.

Love yourself for the wanting.

Then, shift into knowing that you are doing what it takes to get there.

And know that you will if you focus on it.

Whatever we give time and energy to eventually comes to us.

Intimacy key 2 : Eye-gazing

Eye-gazing is simply staring into someone’s eyes for 2-10 minutes. No talking. Just holding a soft focused gaze.

What? Don’t I need someone else’s eyes to gaze into for this one?

Nope.

Got a mirror?

Looking into your own eyes is incredibly potent. It may feel silly at first, but if you stick with it, oh the things you’ll ‘see’ about yourself.

Let me know how this one goes. I’d love to hear.

Intimacy key 3 : Pleasure map

Through touch. For this one, you just need a bit of creativity and some time alone to experiment with the type of touch that you most enjoy.

And where.

Knowing your own body, what turns you on – and off – is key to experiencing the levels of pleasure that are available to you. And the closeness that this brings first to yourself as you drop deeply into your body. And build connection with it. And trust in your own pleasure and ability to access and experience it on very deep levels.

Then once you’ve understood your own pleasure map – charting where on your body you experience the most pleasure – you can invite in another to share in the experience.

One of the prevailing myths of our time is that lovers are supposed to ‘just know’ how you like to be touched. Not many of us are mind-readers so I’m not sure how this one has lasted as long as it has.

Asking for what you want allows you to receive the pleasure you want. And makes the job of the giver satisfying and rewarding as they support you in your pleasure.

And this beautiful, informed dance of giving and receiving pleasure brings 2 humans ever so close.

Start with you.

And where you are at.

Go easy with yourself.

Let this be the evolution that it is meant to be.

And enjoy the journey.

Losing it. How we popped our cherry over the last 80 years – Read by Kate Monro

Author Kate Monro reads from her book, ‘Losing it. How we popped our cherry over the last 80 years’.

Listen to stories of how men and women of all ages, shapes and sizes, recount in their own words how they lost virginity (and sometimes find it again).

Katie Phillips on Learning to be Intimate

Katie shares how she drew love in by learning how to love men – and herself.

Wisdom comes in so many forms.

This time it’s shaped in the form of Katie Phillips, transformational coach, self-love expert + author.

Katie is incredible to learn from. One of the best in fact, as she’s internalised now embodies what she’s experienced in love and relationships – the challenges that life has offered her…

To get to know herself better
To learn how to love men rather than hate them 😈
And be intimate with both herself AND THEN with men

So that she could finally receive love
And live it fully.

She is indeed, Daring & Mighty.

I’ve invited Katie to speak with us about her journey and how she’s sharing her wisdom – and that of other women – in a series of very special dinner gatherings for the Daring & Mighty.

How to deepen intimacy + ask for what you want in bed

Bad s*x. Been there. Done that.

We pretty much all have.

Sue Sutherland​ of the Feel Institute talks to us about how to have GREAT s*x.

And she shares with us a simple game we can play with the people we are with so that we can have the experiences that we really want.

Sneak peak into the wisdom:

1. Know what you want – listen to that body of yours

2. Ask for it – be brave + bold!

3. Love yourself for doing so.

❤
One (of the admittedly many) reasons why sex can end up being bad

Even with those that we love having sex with
Is when we say yes to doing something that we actually don’t want to do!

We consent.

Simply stated CONSENT = CHOICE

We choose to say YES to a touch or a closeness or something more
When all our body really wanted was for us to
Shout out an emphatic NO
Or a gentle firm NO
Or any NO at all.

Let’s just admit it: speaking up around sex, especially in intimate moments with someone new…or even someone you’ve been with for a very long time…

Can feel extremely scary. And weird.
We don’t want to kill a moment. Or offend someone.
Or seem inexperienced. Or awkward.

And yet, when you learn how to talk about what you want
Or don’t want in any moment

The chances of having bad sex every again diminish completely.
And the path to good sex

To amazzzzzing sex
Opens wide.

How to have better sex: connection + consent with Nichi Hodgson

I want you to jump from two feet into the bedroom, when you feel finally ready to be intimate with a certain someone you might have just started dating. 

And not only that, I want you to have the best sex possible when you do. 

And so, I wanted to break out this bit of a conversation from a video I had posted a few weeks back with Nichi Hodgeson, journalist on all things sexy for the likes of the Guardian and Sky News that will help you to do so.

You see, consent is key to connection. 
And connection is the key to great sex. 

Especially if you are new to dating someone. 

It's key to know what feels good for you – and what doesn't. And to voice it. 
So open communication becomes a foundation to your relationship. 

Nichi breaks consent down for us beautifully in this video.
She explains that consent is deciding ‘Do I want to do this right now with this person?’ 

And then listening to your body and your mind. 
And remembering your values. 
And then deciding do you want to go ahead with it – or not.

We make hundreds of decisions a day and consent to lots of little tiny things whether they feel good or not. 
In fact, many times we ignore what our bodies are telling us because we feel that we ‘have’ to.

For example have you ever sat through work meetings for hours when you’d rather be getting on with what you’ve got to do. Or simple would love to have a stretch and a stroll?

In the video Nichi explains, we’re actually pretty good at ignoring what our bodies want and consenting anyway.
What we don’t do so well is voice when we don’t want something.

So it’s important when you are with someone, to notice how your body feels – and be upfront about it. 
Be firm with yourself if you are not sure and say, ‘Hey could we take a minute?’

Know that you can change your mind.
Buy yourself some time. Get some space
Go to the bathroom for a moment. 

When you come back, be real about what is going on. 
‘I’m having a great time with you but can we do something else instead.’ 

Or suggest something that you’d rather do. 

If words are difficult then put someone’s hand on your body in a way that feels good to be touched. 

A strong ‘No’ is wonderful to hear 
Because when that becomes a strong ‘Yes’ one day, the person you are with knows they can trust it.

It takes a strong ‘No’ to get to a strong ‘Yes’. 
And with a strong ‘Yes’ that can be trusted, deep connection results. 

And connected sex is soooooo good. 

Dating + Love after Divorce

I used to think that people who were divorced had an advantage on me – at least they had managed to get married ONCE (sometimes even 2 or 3 times, somehow lapping me!!). 

Now I know that those of us who have been single for most of our lives and those coming out of divorce share a few things in common. 

One is a sense of not really knowing ourselves fully.

We feel as if we’ve lost ourselves somewhere along the way. 

Those in marriage giving too much of themselves or thinking always of others. 

And us singles who get enveloped by work or busy-ness.

And we don’t really know where to start to get back to centre. 

To re-find…or find for the first time parts of ourselves 

That have yet to be discovered.

We feel lost.

And lonely. 
And alone. 
And have no idea how to crawl out of that place. 

If you’ve never really been in a relationship your entire adult life – regardless of the fact that you have a lot of incredibleness to share with someon
You feel like you’ve got no experience to fall back on. 

No points of reference. 

No, well when that worked out it was because of this…

And if you HAVE been in  relationship and it’s fallen apart

And that relationship was called ‘marriage’

Which was supposed to be forever

You want to do everything in your power not to repeat what just happened. 

And you feel like you have no idea how to do that.

And what if you mess it up again.

In both cases you feel like you are learning from ‘ground zero’ as my friend and colleague Andrea Tan shares with me.
You have no idea where to start. 😳

The truth is, whether you’ve never been loved or have loved and lost, the first steps forward are knowing yourself from the inside out. 
Getting back in touch with centre – with who you are at your core. 

A kind of remembering. Or getting to know. 

So that you can feel whole and full and alive and confident and sure of yourself. 

And from this place of fullness love outwardly

So that what comes back at you is a person who has done that journey too. 

And together you create something totally new. ✨

Not based on too little or too much past experience

But on what you are NOW. 

And that is a you that is powerful and beautiful and already full.

Here’s where Andrea recommends you start by SLOWING DOWN and feeling your way thru. Even tho slowing down to feel is the last thing you might want to do as you go through divorce.

Here’s a 3 step process to help get you through:

1. Express fully your Rage + Sorrow - You carry lots of emotional weight after divorce. Get it out! So you don’t carry it with you to the next relationship. Punch pillows for 20-30 mins. Set a timer so you don’t go over that limit + get stuck in the hole of those emotions. Do this over a number of days, weeks, months until it’s all out.

2. Learn what you like - Go on dates with yourself. Have each date be themed by one of the 5 senses - eg. a date on taste would be trying different restaurants / foods you like. This process helps in remembering or knowing for the first time, what makes you uniquely YOU.

3. Create a vision board or statement - of the person you would like to be in your next relationship + how you would like that relationship, and life, to be. This is so that you can stay focused on who you want to be as you go through the divorce. It keeps you from falling back into old ways of being that were not supportive of you being your fullest self. It prevents you from attracting the same type of person that you’ve just left behind back into your life.

How to know if an open relationship is right for you

I invited Relationship Style Expert Ria Bloom to talk us thru:

• How to know what style of relationship you want

• If you are built more for an open or monogamous relationship

• And what is the foundation for any healthy relationship – no matter how it’s shaped

I wasn’t sure about monogamy when I first met Naz

And neither was he really. 🤯

Perhaps it was the dreaded divorce rate being so high

Or some of the myths out there that predict the inevitable death of love + romance like

Over time the sex gets boring and

The spark just dies

The 7 year itch

You get where I’m going with this. 

So we talked about open relationships 

Which threw wide open my issues with abandonment –

And I owned that

And all the intense emotions that came along with it.

So open relationship wasn’t really going to work for us

Monogamy forever didn’t feel like a complete truth for us either

So we decided on owning 

‘Present-moment Monogamy’ 

(I just made that title up)

With the space for this to change in future 

Should either of us feel it

Relationship style is a choice these days

And making the one that is right for you 

Can be downright confusing

Are you for 

⭐ Classic Monogamy

⭐ Monogamish – the new black

⭐ Pioneering with Polyamory 

🤷‍♀ Or somewhere in between all of that 🤷‍♂

Being upfront about where you stand – whether you are certain or if its something you want to explore – 

Will allow you to start a relationship off with trust, truth and clarity.

And that's the foundation for long-lasting goodness.

Are you asking for too much from someone?

>--> Core values are fundamental

Don't let them slide! Rather, soften around them. 

To determine what your core values in relationship are ask yourself: 

- What moments in my life have fulfilled me + felt meaningful? 

- When do I feel most like myself

- In the times I've felt down, what has been missing?

My core values are: 

Honesty

Open communication

Accountability + Responsibility

Money mindset compatibility

Sense of adventure / curiosity 

>-->Combat perfectionism

Ask yourself:

What do I wish others would see in me? 

What do I wish I had a gentle teacher for? 

Looking inward, we notice that we are not perfect either. 
And that some things take time to uncover. 

And that this may be the buried treasure you've yet to discover in the other.

Mindfulness in the Bedroom – Connecting Deeply

Now-a-days, mindfulness is E*V*E*R*Y*W*H*E*R*E

It’s even creeping into the bedroom… 🛏under the covers

And we sure as hell need it there. 😯

We crave deep real soul-to-soul connection in intimacy in a world full of quick Tinder fixes and porn addictions that leave us unsatisfied.

In this video expert sex coach + sex educator, Kian de la Cour shares how Mindfulness in the bedroom is incredible for your sex life. 🧘‍♀

Learn how to get back the nourishment, aliveness, love + full-bodied delight that connected intimacy (both with ourselves + another) brings.

And how ‘mindful intimacy’ + being fully connected to your body in the bedroom feeds your soul + touches the heart of those you are with.

Kian speaks about how to start (2.08)

• Self-practice (aka masturbation)

• Decouple from habits

  • habitual ways of arousal learned from childhood or porn

  • from goal-orientation or sex with climax ending in orgasm

• Change the focus to feeling internally vs how I look / am performing

Here’s how to get started:

1. Put aside dedicated time with a start + end time

2. Set an intention (eg to relax completely, to let go of expectations, to NOT orgasm)

3. Explore your body in new ways. Play. Be curious. Expand outwards from just genital focus.

4. Breathe – Practice long exhales - relax your nervous system + open up to more sensation
   

How to beat the tech + find love online

So here’s some heartbreaking news for anyone lookin’ for love online (like EVERYONE these days) –

💔 Dating apps are designed specifically to keep you single.

UUuurrrgg as if it wasn’t hard enough to find some lovin’ in the world.

Now we have tech that we thought would help you in the 💏 department actually KEEPING you from love.

My blood is boiling….

Good news is, you can beat apps at their own game.

And I found out how. From a pro.

😎 Nichi Hodgson is an online dating expert (and a bunch of other incredible things, like writing for the Guardian, Times, BBC..the list is long...on all things Sex, Love + Relationships).

She’s got an insider’s view into how dating apps work, having been employed by several of them.

Nichi told me how to be the tech + find love on (and off) line.  Watch the vid for the full story.

Top 3 Tips are listed here:

⭐Limit your swiping to 5-9 times

Don’t go above 9 or you’ll go into cognitive overload + overwhelm.

Just work with those first 9 profiles.

(OMG only 9?!?! I’ve swiped for HOURS in my day...and yes, wanted to kill myself by the end of it)

⭐ After 7 minutes - 10 minutes (a day) go off the app

Get a few people that you have a chat going w/ focus on those.

Sound similar to the first tip? It is!!  

Swiping is a repetitive motion that mesmerizes. It keeps you on the app longer than you need to be and can become a bit addictive.

⭐Forgive your date if they get right on the app after they’ve met you!

Remember: the swiping is just a habit. A compulsive behavior reinforced by the app creators.

⭐ Delete the app asap

If you find someone you kind of like, delete the app asap. This helps prevent you from getting hooked on the endless options.

Share your phone number (I know, you’re thinking..is that safe?) Well the person can’t find out where you live based on your phone number. And you can always block them.

>----------->

Full reveal: Both Nichi + I found our long-term partners online. But it wasn’t as a result of beating the tech (though that can help).

We’d both worked through our stuff in therapy + coaching, and this is what made the difference. Significant internal shifts got us to where we are now – happy in love (and still continuing the ‘inner work’ in this new context).  

😉 If you still struggle to find love and can’t quite figure out why, both of us are coaches.

You can PM me here.

And write to Nichi here: http://nichihodgson.com/contact/

Nichi also recommends reading this book

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love Paperback by Rachel Heller + Amir Levine

It'll help you understand why you might be struggling to find love.

You're going to get there...I promise!!

❤❤❤

Boundaries - the unexpected love magnet

We think we're going to lose someone when we say no, that's not ok.

Instead, those worth keeping grow more curious about us. And respect our edges.

We become more powerful in ourselves as we trust ourselves more.

And that powerful sense of knowing is VERY sexy for someone who knows his or her own power as well.

This other person knows that they come to someone who can hold themselves and protect themselves.

And so they are free to love you. Without having to save you. And if they too know their boundaries, have a strong sense of self-respect + love for themselves, they won't expect you to save them either.

HOW TO CREATE + MAINTAIN YOUR (new + sexy) BOUNDARIES

1. Know your desires + values in Relationship – get crystal clear – make a list

Include emotional, physical, mental + spiritual aspects

This is your line in the sand

2. Learn how to say NO - firmly + from your heart

When you are grounded and speak your NO clearly, then your YES becomes clearer as well. (Thank you @Sue Sutherland)

3. Be ok with whatever happens

Know that the trust + respect you demonstrate for yourself is what makes you YOU.

Love yourself knowing that being there for yourself is a great act of self-love.

And anyone who doesn't respect your boundaries, who doesn't first seek to respect you and then understand you, is probably someone you don't want around.

What better filter than this for discerning who's right / wrong for you!!

Come say hi to me on FB:

https://www.facebook.com/andrea.balboni.54

https://www.lushcoaching.com/

How to Receive Easily + Let in Love

Good people give. Greedy ones take (aka receive).

This cultural belief has wreaked havoc on relationships.

And has kept many of us single for far too long.

Too much giving (and no receiving) is a defence AGAINST INTIMACY.

Receiving creates connection.

HOW TO RECEIVE (and let love in)

1. Start small - accept compliments w/ eye contact + really feel them land in your body. Find the truth in it within yourself.

2. Enjoy the pleasure of the gift - luxuriate in whatever is received. You’ll feel amazing. And the giver will so enjoy seeing you happy.

3. Practice boundaries - know you don’t need to reciprocate. You can receive for the pleasure of receiving. Full stop. If anyone demands something in return, then you might question their motives in giving.

WHY IT’S SO HARD TO RECEIVE

1. Defence against intimacy / allowing someone closer - it feels vulnerable to open yourself to another in this way.

2. Self-worth - you don’t feel you are worth the compliment, gift, etc.

3. We’re rewarded as children for sharing, not for receiving

4. We’re taught that pleasure is not safe to feel fully

5. Receiving means letting go of some control + this feels scary.

The Man Cave – Uncovering the mystery (+ hidden benefits)

I LOVE ME A HAIRY MAN

AND the thought of one retreating into a cave brings out the primal, wild woman in me...

Rrrroooooaaarr!!!

Well, actually it’s more like…

OMG…!!!!
Will he ever emerge?

Have I lost him forever to the deep dark depths of the earth?

I’ve gotten much better with losing Naz to his ‘cave’ (in this case his pool table).

In fact, now I even welcome the retreat.

A part of me does remain fearful of the temporary void it presents.

It’s the part of me that is afraid of being abandoned or left behind or forgotten.

And she used to HATE the man cave

Because it’s inaccessible and feels cold and dark.

And then I got a flashlight.

I asked a bunch of guys what IS it about the man cave that is so...well...necessary?

Wow, did I learn a LOT.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here are all the reasons I got from talking to loads of guys about why we should be grateful for this deep, dark place:

If you want a man who's powerful, full of energy, present with you, able to give, is compassionate and loving then he'll need his space

In his man cave he:

- fills himself up so he can give the best of himself (rather than just what is left)

- can better serve the relationship

- does some deep healing work on himself - he processes through emotions and takes a look inwards

- he lets the pressures of life drop away and relaxes

- problem solves and works through things, strengthening his own resolve and managing his emotions

- seeks to protect you from what he is feeling if he thinks it might be too much

- builds testosterone so he can show up in life strong

- do nothing...he just needs some rest

GUYS - If you just need some time for yourself for any of the above, and you find a woman freaking out, just let her know that you need some space to process thru things so you can show up fully present so you can give her your best. She'll love you for it!

** WARNING There is a shadow side though **

Excessive time in the man cave can be a way that the person is avoiding things, whether that be a difficult conversation or dealing with his own emotions.

If you think this is what's happening here, you can invite your guy into conversation.

If this feels impossible, you can PM me. I work with couples to build communication so they can relate better and love more easily.

Forgiveness 360• Rant + rave to truly forgive

I help people create new love in their lives that is healthier + happier than they’ve ever had in the past.

It’s not magic that I perform, though some have said it feels like that. 🧙‍♀✨🔮

I simply help people to see what keeps them from new love happening.

And we clear it. 🌬

And I set them up for what they came to me for: deep connection and true partnership, trust, support and understanding in love + intimacy.

Because there’s nothing like wrapping yourself up in the arms of someone whom you truly trust, of knowing the deliciousness of their scent and inhaling it deeply into your body, of not only having someone on your side, but creating a life together that is so much more than what life looks like alone.

It’s often a unique combination of things that keeps one from this kind of crazy, sexy, out-of-this world kind of love.

But there are also patterns that I see over and over again that block people.
And one of these is hanging onto ‘dirty laundry’. 🧺

‘Dirty laundry’ is simply old love (or what looked like love) hanging around that needs processing.

It no longer is fit for purpose. It no longer serves.

It needs to be cleaned and cleared, so that whatever new thing that wants to come in can.

And enter into an environment that has plenty of space, light and fresh air.  

So that it can grow deep roots + expand and grow and thrive. 🌱🌿🌳

And be its own thing. Something completely new. 💓

One of the ways to clean + clear is to develop a strong practice of what I call, Forgiveness 360

Forgiveness 360•

 A Step-By-Step Process to rant + rave and truly forgive

1) CLEAR - Grab a pillow. Imagine the person you want to forgive sitting across from you. Let it out!! Shout, scream, *&£$&*. Let whatever you feel, anger, frustration out! This is YOUR TIME! Set a timer for 5-10 mins so you don’t get lost in it all.

2) HEAL – Sit with yourself and observe how your body feels (you might find some space) and notice what emotions rise and fall. Then, fill yourself with good vibes. Imagine love energy or sunlight energy filling into your body.

3) SHIFT – Recall the situation from this new vantage point and try to understand how you might do things differently next time so the same situation does not occur. Maybe it’s setting new boundaries within yourself or saying ‘No’ more. Own your experience.

How to keep a man worth keeping

How to keep a man worth keeping…

Guys worth keeping are special. They are powerful creatures. And yes, also can feel like a rare breed.

So when you find one that makes you feel so good to have him around, you want to keep him in your life.

Because he’s good for you. And you are good for him.

I love the way that a man holds me in his arms and teases me when I need to laugh and how he smells like deliciousness.

And I love that a man worth keeping

Supports a woman in her mission in life, whether that be in her career or in raising kids, and he stands by her

This empowers him

He feels in integrity supporting someone he believes in

And it empowers her

She benefits from the additional support of having someone stand alongside her

She remains desirable

She doesn’t actually need him (which feels like pulling)

She chooses him (which feels like desire)

And this is great.

I’ve been here.

And I’ve slid into the other side of this which is not so nice...AND have spoken to many other women who’ve also slipped down this slide too

And the results are the same

A man worth keeping, loses his interest when...

• He feels like he has to hold you up

• This takes away from his own ability to focus on his own sense of direction and purpose and he risks losing himself in your story

• He feels like your happiness depends on him

• Your happiness is actually not in his control - he feels helpless

• And you actually lose out too

• When you lean on someone too much you

Start to wonder if you actually are capable of making it happen. If you are enough. If you are even worth it.

And you feel less powerful.

And more dependent.

Yep, I said it. The evil word...dependent.

Because that is what happens.

Here’s how to keep yourself (and your guy) alive with desire for one another even as you bask in their support

• Recognize what is happening

• Own up to it

• Make some hard decisions

• Communicate what is going on to the other person (if appropriate)

• Re-centre yourself - stand in your own power / light and move forward