Women love sacred sex. What is it and how do you do it?

Many men come to me sharing that they are tired of sex (especially masturbation) that feels empty and unfulfilling. 

After self-pleasuring, they wonder if it’s possible to feel good rather than empty or guilty about what they’ve just done.

And in partnered sex they want to experience more connection. 

But what makes sex sacred? 

Sex can indeed be something more than just a release of stress and / or built up unexpressed sexual energy. 

More than an ‘activity’ that you add to the task list to ’do’ with another person. 

Sex can make us feel more whole and complete. 

• Nourished. 

• Empowered.

• Uplifted.

• Loved.

When the sex we have is sacred it does all of this and more – it takes us out of this world. 

Sacred sex:

• Shifts how we experience ourselves. 

• And it changes how we experience one another.

• We ‘wake up’ to parts of ourselves that we’ve hidden away or denied.

• And this makes us feel more alive.

Women (like men) crave sexual experiences that fill them up not just with pleasure, though that’s definitely desired but with

Fullness and a sense of wholeness. 

So that they come away from sex feeling completely nourished and satisfied. 

Guys often want to know how to be the best lover that their partner has ever had.

Here are 3 ways to bring her there via sex that is sacred: 

Intention

Set an intention to set the tone of your experience. 

Clear intentions direct the experiences we have. 

Keep your intention focused on what will serve you (and your partner’s) deepest desires and aligns with your highest values (eg truth, honesty, compassion, self-knowing, love). 

Examples of exalted intentions are: 

• To fully connect with your partner and stay with the experience no matter how challenging

• To discover new flavours of your own pleasure

• To love and accept yourself and your body no matter what happens (or doesn’t)

You can share the intention with your partner or you can keep it to yourself. 

Presence

This is perhaps the most important aspect of what makes sex feel sacred. 

Presence is what women want most from the men that they are with. It’s what they ask for time and time again. 

Women want to feel that you are there with them completely. That you are with them in the experience. 

When they feel that you are fully there, they can trust you. And when they trust you, they can relax into their own experience and have access to their own pleasure. 

How to do have more presence in bed: 

• Commit to being fully in your body and not in your head by coming back to your physical sensations over and over gain. 

• Commit to staying with whatever she experiences – whatever emotions comes up for her, whatever sounds come through, whatever movement she makes. Let it all be ok. 

• Commit to slowing way down and being more versus doing.

Tip: Beat the porn. Learn to Bridge:

If you use porn or fantasy to stimulate you, you’ll likely find it hard to get out of your head. Practice bridging when you masturbate. If you use porn when you self-pleasure, shift your focus from your head or external stimulus back to your body.

Over time you’ll be able to stay more in your body and with the experience and be less in your head (and not fully present).  

Ritual

Our primal brains (the deepest part of our brains and the oldest part of our being) love ritual. 

We can relax deeply into an experience when we know that there’s a beginning, middle and end.

In a ritual space we know that we are totally safe and won’t be disturbed because we’ve created a closed container for that experience to happen in.  

Here’s how to set up a space for the ritual of lovemaking: 

Time: 

• Set aside dedicated time - 15 -20 minutes.

• And respect it 

• Show up for yourself. And for the other if with a partner. 

Spontaneous lovemaking is great. But there’s nothing like scheduled time for sex – it gives us something to look forward to and can be very exciting.

Environment: 

• Tidy up the area so it’s clean and orderly.

• Change the sheets or make the bed.

• Lower the lights

The mood should feel grounding and good to body, mind and soul.

Sex is sacred when you 

• Feel loved and seen – in itself a form of worship

• Are nourished by the experience of it – it fills you up 

• Connect more with who you truly are  – aka ‘awaken’ to the truth of you

There is much more to sacred sex than this.

3 sexy summertime aphrodisiacs

And let’s face it - dating can be stressful.

I’m here to help you make pre-date feel luxurious by encouraging you to indulge in the luscious sips I’ve selected.

Aphrodisiacs are super fun.

And delicious.

And sexy. 

Dive in!

---

Chili Lime Mango Margaritas

Sexy ingredient: Chili

Effects: Relieves anxiety symptoms

How: Goodbye butterflies! Releases the chemicals endorphins (relief of pain) + dopamine (reward + pleasure) in the brain which can trigger euphoria similar to a runner’s high

Get the recipe here.

Fresh Mint and Ginger Lemonade

Sexy ingredient: Ginger

Effects: Plumping of the lips. Increases libido.

How: Improves blood flow and circulation naturally. Antioxidants to help you feel and look your best.

Get the recipe here.

Iced Hot Chocolate (with Rose Petals - optional)

Sexy ingredient: Chocolate 

Effects: heart opening. Energising.

How: two chemicals it contains - tryptophan, a building block of serotonin, a brain chemical involved in sexual arousal. And phenylethylamine, a stimulant released in the brain when people fall in love.

Get the recipe here.

For extra romance add a sprinkling of rose petals to your glass. Mmmmm…Thanks to Meredith at Food at Heart for this gorgeous suggestion.

Soft truth: 

The amounts of the sexy substances in these summery drinks are likely too small to have any actual measurable effect on desire according to science.

But I know that filling yourself with pleasure is the best way to counter nerves and bring sense of ease and joy to you that will transform how you date. 

So if a placebo brings pleasure. I’m in.

Let your voice be heard in bed – and experience more pleasure

I used to really hold back in bed. 

I was afraid of what my neighbours might think if I made too much noise. 

I was afraid of the noises that wanted to come out – some of them were veeeerrrrryyyy far from sexy. 

And so I’d clamp down on my vocal cords and barely let out a peep during the whole event. 

Knowing what I know now, that was totally CRAZY. 

When you open your body fully to allow for the free-flow of energy through it, you allow for the full and full-bodied experience of pleasure.

Opening your body up fully involves letting loose your voice. 

And not just the performance-based sounds you hear in films and movies. You’ll want to work with the full range of sound available to you to understand what enables the best sexual response. 

This has been my personal experience AND there’s science behind it. 

Visceral sounding that comes from deep within you can trigger the vagus nerve, one of the main nerves that runs throughout your whole body from your brain all the way down to your cervix, uterus and vagina. 

The ups and downs, the rhythms, the tonality and range of your voice can activate this nerve, increase its connections within the body and facilitate orgasm and pleasure.

The vagus nerve supports relaxation in your body. It gets you out of the ‘fight flight freeze’ state which inhibits sexual arousal. 

As you relax, your sexual energy is free to move like an electrical current through your vagus nerve all up and down your body.

Once I allowed myself to ‘sound’ freely, my whole experience of sex changed. 

But it didn’t just happen over night. It took some practice.

How to use sound in sex: 

Mind preparation

Let go of judgement.

Don’t worry about what the neighbours will think, what your partner will think, or even what you think about the sounds that come forth. 

This is a grand experiment and we’re here to learn, not to perform at the Scala. 

So we want free-form and lots of trial and error. 

Repeat this mantra throughout your practice:

It’s good to sound. 

It’s good to sound. 

It’s good to sound.   

Heart preparation

Accept yourself for whatever you experience. 

And for whatever your ‘sexy sounds’ are – they’ll likely be very different from the Hollywood version. When was anything that came from Hollywood real anyway? 

It’s sexual linguistics - we’re here to learn what yours sounds like. 

Love yourself for even going there. Like a sexy explorer, you’re out to experience pleasure like it’s never been experienced before! And that takes courage, humility and bravery. 

You’ve got all of that!! Go for it. 

Repeat this mantra throughout your practice:

It’s beautiful to sound. 

It’s beautiful to sound. 

It’s beautiful to sound.  

Body preparation

Let your jaw drop open.

Inhale and exhale out of your mouth.

Bring your focus to different parts of your body – to your pussy, to your breasts, to your belly, to your legs. 

Notice the sensations there and then…SOUND THEM OUT. 

Give your womb a voice, your ovaries, your vagina, your labia and move throughout your entire body.

Your entire body is an instrument of erotic bliss.  

Wake it up with sound. 

And experiment!! 

Repeat this mantra throughout your practice:

It’s safe to sound. 

It’s safe to sound. 

It’s safe to sound.

Enjoy the liberation that sounding in sex brings.

Curious to know if it works for men too? Read my post on sounding for men here.

5 Keys to Creating a Healthy Relationship

Relationships like all things, are cyclical and in constant flux. Sometimes the cycles feel harmonious. And at times turbulent or out of balance. 

Even the most healthy of relationships experience ups and downs throughout their evolution.

What makes the difference between relationships that ‘make it’ and last over time, has everything to do with how the 2 (or more) people in the relationship relate – not only to the other person, but also to themselves. 

As you become more aware of your own internal world and learn how to navigate it, you develop a better chance at creating and staying in a relationship that will feel amazing to experience – despite the challenges that arise. 

So know that if you are single, even if for a very very long time, you do not have to feel that you are standing in place when it comes to your intimate life. 

Here is a list 5 of the key qualities that a healthy relationship has. And practical ways to develop the skills and wisdom to BE in relationship long before it even happens.

1. Remember that you are with a human

Humans: 

• Make mistakes

• Are imperfect and

• Act offensively

Especially when something sets them off (aka they get ‘triggered’). And then that person oversteps your boundaries. 

You know it’s healthy when: 

• Someone’s triggered, offends you and you can manage it without too much stress because

• It happens only occasionally and is not accepted as the norm

• You know your own ‘bottom line’.

  Anything beyond this and your self-esteem and identity take a hit. If that happens then you’d want to and perhaps decide to leave the relationship versus experience it.

How to practice this when you’re single: 

• Notice when you get triggered with family and friends. 

• Understand when they go too far and ask yourself why you got so upset by their behaviour. What about the interaction set you off? 

• Learn how to take care of yourself and come back into balance. 

2. Each partner takes responsibility for themselves

Self-esteem

You hold yourself high, especially during conflict. You understand your worth and your power. You don’t expect your partner to recognize this for you or to hold you up. 

You know it’s healthy when: 

• you show up, pay attention and tell the truth

• you can let go of attachment to the outcome

How to practice this when you’re single: 

Again this is a great one to practice with your closest relationships – family and friends. Notice when you feel you always have to be right. How can you increase your sense of worthiness and empower yourself so that you no longer seek validation or backing from those around you. 

Boundaries / Self-protection

You are responsible for knowing what is right for you. 

And you know what feels like a transgression. 

You both can be good listeners and can stay with what’s being said. Because you know you can keep yourself safe. And let the other person know that they’ve overstepped. 

You know it’s healthy when: 

• You can ask for what you need and want and don’t expect the other to mind read – remember, they’re human! 

• You don’t hide your own reality from your partner.

How to practice this when you’re single: 

Is your ‘No’ as strong as your ‘Yes’ in life. Begin to notice when it’s a ‘hell yes’ for you or a ‘hell no’. And voice your opinion or decision with confidence. You can do this in a small way to start. For example if someone asks you to lunch and suggests a restaurant that you’ve been to a million times, instead of just agreeing, suggest a place that you’d really like to go to instead. 

Don’t be afraid to do so without excuses asking permission. 

Communication

Each person is responsible for sharing their own physical, intellectual, emotional and spiritual reality.

You know it’s healthy when: 

• Learn to express your reality in moderation (minus the drama). 

• You don’t expect the other person to mindread or to tolerate the drama.

How to practice this when you’re single: 

Share with those around you in clear simple language what you are feeling and experiencing so that you feel heard and understood. Own your own experience. Take some time on your own to investigate why you may have responded in the way you did before responding to the situation. 

Asking for support

You each know your needs and wants and can get them met outside of the relationship when your partner is unable to support you. 

You are willing to support the other person as often as possible without doing their ‘work’ for them or sacrificing your own self-care. It’s not one-sided.

You know it’s healthy when: 

• You cultivate other support (friends, family community) that you can lean on when your partner’s response for support needs to be a ‘no’. 

• You can take care of yourself vs getting angry at / punishing the other for not taking care of you

How to practice this when you’re single: 

Recognize that no one person can give you everything and continue to cultivate relationships that you have currently in your life. And continue to do the work on yourself to build an inner world that is resilient to life’s challenges.

3. You can solution for life’s challenges together

As a team, you can focus solutioning without shaming or blaming the other  (eg, If only you’d have...How could you have been so thoughtless?).  When the problem presents itself, focus on finding a way forward. 

You know it’s healthy when: 

• You both take responsibility for doing what you’ve agreed to do to resolve the problem. 

• Neither of you has to be right or wrong – you choose ‘us’ over ‘me’

How to practice this when you’re single: 

Consider where in your life you function as part of a team. How does this attitude of ‘we’re all in it together’ manifest? Or does it? Consider how you might foster more of a sense of collaboration and solutioning together. And how each person might be accountable for their part. 

4. Compromise doesn’t feel so bad

When you have enough self-value, are self-empowered and feel abundant you can let go of needing to get your way all the time. 

You don’t need to manipulate, control or force your partner into being a certain way so you can be comfortable. You stay comfortable by focusing on taking care of yourself. 

Note: Value = power = abundance

When you value yourself, you empower yourself.

Your sense of being able to take care of yourself increases. 

And your self-esteem increases as you learn to make choices in favour of you. 

You know it’s healthy when: 

• You don’t feel that you’ve ‘lost again’. 

• You know that you can still get what you need even as your partner gets what they need too. 

How to practice this when you’re single: 

What situations or relationships are you in where healthy compromise would help move things forward? In this context, how can you increase your sense of inner power and the value you add so that you feel able to compromise? Consider what choices or decisions you can make for you. Watch your self-esteem and sense of safety and comfort increase as a result.

5. Stay ‘in love’ by focusing on the good stuff

Love is indeed a verb. 

You know it’s healthy when: 

• Each of you stays focused on what you love about the other person vs the stuff that drives you mad. 

• The better you are at taking care of yourself, the easier it is to be with the differences of the other person. 

How to practice this when you’re single: 

Gratitude is key here. Stay ‘in love’ with life...and with YOU by appreciating your amazingness and celebrating it all – the big and the small. 

In conclusion, 1+1=3 

Two humans together create a 3rd thing called a relationship. 

When both people in the relationship can tend themselves as much as they tend to the other, a 3rd thing ( let’s call it love ) is able to emerge.

You don’t have to do it all alone! If you have difficulty with any of the practices above, coaching with me can offer crystalline clarity on what is coming up for you and why. And importantly provide the practical tools that you’ll need to create the partnership that you desire. Let’s talk: andrea@lushcoaching.com

Note: The 5 keys are based largely on the work of Pia Mellody in Facing Love Addiction

Maximising Pleasure : The 5 stages of lovemaking

We’re sold the same story over and again – that there is a one fast track to gratifying sex (a.k.a. orgasm) and it looks like this:

It’s as if lovemaking were a sprint to the finish with not much happening before, after...or for that matter even during the act. 

It all happens virtually at one speed – fast. 

And one intensity (or one energy (as I like to think of it) – hard. 

Fast and hard. 

And then 💥 EXPLOSION 💥

Within a few glorious (if short-lived) minutes

It’s all over.

Before it’s hardly even begun.

Some say we learned this way of having sex from porn and follows the male sexual response patterning of fast and hard as porn is made mainly made by men for men (though there are notable exceptions). 

Others blame Hollywood which supports the culminating moment as a ka-pow! With little else. 

The fact of the matter is, the vast majority of us have learned about making love from either or both of these 2 sources. 

And wow are they limited as teaching aids. 

Lovemaking as a JOURNEY OF DISCOVERY

The journey of lovemaking is, in fact, just that – a journey. 

And if you think of the best journeys you’ve been on, you’ll likely tell me that they have been filled with exploration and discovery and adventure.

That there were unexpected twists and turns and unpredictability. 

That there were moments that sparkled with excitement and action. 

And times where you relaxed back into blissful peace and stillness. 

There was a deep connection with yourself and with others through all of it.

And sometimes things worked out as you planned. 

And sometimes they didn’t. 

But it was all just part of the adventure. 

And when you let go enough, there was a natural flow and an organic unfolding that felt right and perfect no matter what happened.

Maximizing pleasure is all about opening up to the possibility of the unknown. 

Of the adventure. And experiencing the variety of what comes. 

It’s about celebrating whatever happens. Of really being with yourself and the person you are with. 

Even if it doesn’t turn out as you’d expected.  

The journey looks something like this: 

And it can be broken down into 5 distinct stages.

Stage 1 : Desire

“Love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery. Love likes to shrink the distance that exists between me and you, while desire is energized by it. If intimacy grows through repetition and familiarity, eroticism is numbed by repetition. It thrives on the mysterious, the novel, and the unexpected. Love is about having; desire is about wanting. An expression of longing, desire requires ongoing elusiveness. It is less concerned with where it has already been than passionate about where it can still go. But too often, as couples settle into the comforts of love, they cease to fan the flame of desire. They forget that fire needs air.”

— Esther Perel, Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic

Sparkling desire: the first effervescent moments of fires lit and butterflies fluttering

Love…or lust...sometimes shows up in our bodies as a spark. 

We’re taken off-guard. It’s unexpected. We feel an instant inexplicable draw towards someone

The butterflies appear as if from out of the blue. Tongues tie. Jaws drop.
Desire can also be slow burning. It can show up as a slow gentle warming. Our curiosity becomes piqued the more we get to know someone

We begin to know them from the inside out

And they become more attractive over time.

However it happens, desire is discovery. Its mystery. Suggestion. Teasing.

It’s an anticipation of exploring the unknown. 

Each time you make love, approach it with the mind of an explorer, open and ready to journey into the unknown, whatever that may bring. 

Stage 2 : Yang

Yang - Crescendo: eros builds sensual touch developing very gradually into rhythm over time warming bodies, hearts and minds cresting again and again in waves of pleasure

Yang erotic energy is outward going, hot, pointed and directional. In this stage of lovemaking, you are building energy and heat. 

This stage begins with sensual, playful, undirected teasing touch, bites and nibbles. 

As your turn-on builds, you can spread it throughout your entire body by imagining it travelling from it’s starting point outwards and upwards. 

Upwards towards your heart and mind and outwards towards your arms and limbs. 

This spreading of your erotic energy (a.k.a. your turn-on) to all parts of your body is what is known as full-body orgasmic bliss. 

Note: We tend to get carried away in lovemaking sometimes by the intensity of the bodily sensations and other times into our heads. 

• Stay present throughout the time you are with someone. 

• 50% of the focus is on you and what you are experiencing, your pleasure. 

• 50% is on them and their experience.

• Keep coming back to your body again and again. To the moment. 

• Maintain eye contact to stay connected to your partner. 

And let go of expectations.

Stage 3 : Yin

Yin - Relaxing back: a gentle relaxing back and deepening into the richness of the exquisite moment

Yin erotic energy is soft, receptive, yielding, liquid, expanding. Relaxing back into yin allows for a deepening of erotic experience. 

It gives space for pure connection and a savouring of the present moment. 

“For sexual union to be fulfilling we need to honor in equal measure, the naturally occurring waves of Yang and Yin that hold the fabric of our formed world together. ”

— Ma Ananda Sarita , Tantra master and mystic

It allows your body to feel the nourishing pleasure cool as it courses through your bodies. 

Only to build again in the next wave.

In yin stages, you can lie with your bodies slightly apart, legs entwined. This allows you to stay connected through soft gaze. You can place your hands on each other’s heart centres. Speak lovingly and gently to each other or not at all. Whatever feels best. 

-- Cycle through yin + yang --

Experiment. Try cycling through yin and yang phases a few times. This allows the energy to build, greatly enhancing your experience. 

Your pleasure journey might look something like this:

First round yang

Sensual touch. Biting. Licking. Stroking. Caressing. Free-flowing movement. Exploration. Open up heart centre + belly. 

Next round yin

Work from outside in coming closer to the sex centre. Allow in more rhythmic movement as free-flow continues. Open up sex centre with direct touch.

Third round yang

Energy builds to overflowing.  Spread the energy throughout your body. Rhythmic movement and edging – relax back from the point of no return and orgasm.

Stage 4 : Spilling over // Storing the Energy

Choice point: Spilling over or Store the Energy

Let go and surrender into orgasm OR take the energy that you have generated and store it in your body to be repurposed for whatever you’d like to do in the world.

Spilling over: 

Surrender into pleasure and bliss allows for a peak experience. This can be orgasm or orgasmic bliss where you let go completely and allow yourself to dissolve into the pleasure. 

Storing energy: 

Erotic energy is creative energy and it can be stored, according to the Taoist tradition, by drawing it into one of your power centres (sex centre, heart centre or 3rd eye). You can draw the energy in by imagining it spiralling into one of the these centres in your body. 

For more in depth understanding of this practice, contact me and I’ll talk you through it. 

Stage 5 : Afterglow

Afterglow: peaceful shimmers...and so...it begins again

Desire is a flame that needs tending to.

And Love is a verb. 

A healthy relationship is warmed by the fires of mystery and desire – give space when it’s needed.

And held together by the safety and security of the closeness of love.  

Yin. Yang. 

Distance. Closeness. 

May the sacred dance between us continue.

Create Love - Part 1 - The fastest (and surest) way to the relationship of a lifetime

This is the first of a series of posts where I share with you my step-by-step method to help you actively create exactly what you want in the next decade of your life. Yes, the power is in your hands.

Let’s get right to the heart of it – the key to creating what you want in your life, according to neuroscientists + mystics alike, is to feel in your body – physically as well as emotionally and at the level of the mind – what it will be like to experience the thing that you want in your life now. 

Here’s how you can do that.

Step 1 : Write it out

You can begin this as a writing exercise. You’ll be working with your cognitive mind as you do this. The part of your brain that reasons and analyses things. Your mind, so to speak.

And then we’ll take it into your body where the deeper ‘work’ happens (that’s in Step 2). This deeper work is what takes this from a writing exercise which happens on a cognitive level to the deeper parts of your mind, the subconscious, where the actual change will begin to happen.

Our subconscious mind dictates 90% of what we do each day – the choices we make that set us up for creating healthy relationship and thriving. Or for avoiding what’s actually good for us or worse yet, missing it when it’s standing right in front of us.

Consider the following as you write: 

Physical reality (3Ds)

I desire a relationship that… 
Consider they type of person you’d like to be with and the relationship you’d like to have them, from the core values that you share such as trust and honesty, to the things you’ll do together like travelling or cooking. 

Emotional Reality (4th D)

I’ll feel…

Consider how you’ll feel when you have this person in your life. 
What emotions you’ll most experience
What more this person will bring to your life
What you’ll experience differently

Embodied Reality (5th D)

I see / hear / taste / smell / touch or feel…

Consider what will you experience through your 5 senses as you realise the thing you desire. 
Note: When I take my clients through this process they often describe things like the taste of their lover as they kiss them, or the perfume that they are wearing. 

Tip: Write it out by hand. Studies have shown it sticks better when you take pen to paper. 

Step 2: Re-programme mind + body

Now that your cognitive mind is onboard with the love and relationship that you’re going to create, let’s get your subconscious mind lined up too.

Record what you have written and listen to it daily first thing in the morning when you’re in that ‘almost awake’ state. Or as the last thing you listen to right before you drop off to sleep. 

When you’re in this drowsy, super-relaxed state, but not yet asleep, your brain waves are flowing at a frequency called ‘theta’. It’s when you have maximum access to your subconscious even though you are in a semi-conscious state. Now’s the time when you want to re-programme.

Tip: Super power your recording by adding theta wave music to bring you deeper. This will help bring you into a more relaxed focused state which allows your words to sink deeper into your mind to the level of the subconscious.
Your subconscious mind will now begin to work 24/7 with its new programming secured in. It will select instances and influence choices that you make in your everyday life that will support you in creating a new kind of relationship – the one that you know you really want.

Pretty neat, huh? Yeah, I think so too. 

This is what places my coaching practice on the cutting edge – and makes it so effective so fast. This body-based approach incorporates all parts of you on the deepest levels. And sets you up for a new experience of relationships and love. Schedule in a free call with me to speak with me about how you can speed up finding your person through this unique form of coaching.)

Step 3: And repeat. And repeat. And repeat…

You’ll want to listen to your new relationship reality over and over again. I’d recommend 30 to 60 to 90 days. Why?

The programming that you have in you now was formed over a number of years mostly in your early childhood. We got repeated messaging around how we weren’t doing enough or being enough in one way or another and lots of other not so helpful signaling that the relationship and love that we want is attainable by just being ourselves. If you hadn’t you’d have what you want and would not be reading this.

To create a new pathway in your brain that puts you on the route of autopilot (subconscious programming), ‘I deserve what I want in love and am worthy of it and every decision that I make and everything I do is a move in this direction’, will take some time to form.

So wax on, wax off it is. (Karate Kid reference unavoidable)

What’s next?

Note: As you begin to reprogramme, you may notice fear and doubt (aka resistance) show up. 

Resistance can look like that critical voice in your head that tells you you can’t do it, like a heaviness or tiredness suddenly coming on when you’re set to listen to your recording. Or even sit down at all to begin the process.

I teach you how to slay the dragon of resistance in Create Love - Part 2 here.

 
For now, focus on what you want to create – in 5 dimensions.

Ah, and a note on contentment and being ok with what you already have….

Most of us understand by now how important gratitude is to happiness. 

And so I bet you are grateful for what you’ve already experienced in life – the people you’ve got around you, the incredible challenges you’ve overcome and the resulting breakthrough moments, the softness, the warmth and luxuriousness of simple moments. 

And yet you desire more. 
More adventures. More exploration. More growth. 
But especially more love. 

We’re often told that this desire for ‘more’ is a bad thing. We should be content with what we’ve got and where we are at. And if you’re single and pretty happy with your life, you may sometimes ask yourself…but isn’t life pretty good as is? Maybe I don’t need a partner, you might think to yourself. 

And yet we’re here on the planet to experience life and to explore. 

It’s our very nature as humans to want to expand out into as many shapes and forms as we can imagine as we get to know ourselves.

So whilst it’s important to allow for sense of contentment and completion in where you are at now, it’s also only natural that you continue to desire more. 

Especially when that ‘more’ feels in alignment with you expanding as a person – expanding heart, mind and soul.

And relationship is arguably the single best way to continue to challenge yourself, to grow and to expand – certainly in ways that other relationships or your career do not allow for.

And so I ask you, what will expansion look like to you specifically as it relates to partnership and your intimate life?

How to deepen intimacy + ask for what you want in bed

Bad s*x. Been there. Done that.

We pretty much all have.

Sue Sutherland​ of the Feel Institute talks to us about how to have GREAT s*x.

And she shares with us a simple game we can play with the people we are with so that we can have the experiences that we really want.

Sneak peak into the wisdom:

1. Know what you want – listen to that body of yours

2. Ask for it – be brave + bold!

3. Love yourself for doing so.

❤
One (of the admittedly many) reasons why sex can end up being bad

Even with those that we love having sex with
Is when we say yes to doing something that we actually don’t want to do!

We consent.

Simply stated CONSENT = CHOICE

We choose to say YES to a touch or a closeness or something more
When all our body really wanted was for us to
Shout out an emphatic NO
Or a gentle firm NO
Or any NO at all.

Let’s just admit it: speaking up around sex, especially in intimate moments with someone new…or even someone you’ve been with for a very long time…

Can feel extremely scary. And weird.
We don’t want to kill a moment. Or offend someone.
Or seem inexperienced. Or awkward.

And yet, when you learn how to talk about what you want
Or don’t want in any moment

The chances of having bad sex every again diminish completely.
And the path to good sex

To amazzzzzing sex
Opens wide.

How to have better sex: connection + consent with Nichi Hodgson

I want you to jump from two feet into the bedroom, when you feel finally ready to be intimate with a certain someone you might have just started dating. 

And not only that, I want you to have the best sex possible when you do. 

And so, I wanted to break out this bit of a conversation from a video I had posted a few weeks back with Nichi Hodgeson, journalist on all things sexy for the likes of the Guardian and Sky News that will help you to do so.

You see, consent is key to connection. 
And connection is the key to great sex. 

Especially if you are new to dating someone. 

It's key to know what feels good for you – and what doesn't. And to voice it. 
So open communication becomes a foundation to your relationship. 

Nichi breaks consent down for us beautifully in this video.
She explains that consent is deciding ‘Do I want to do this right now with this person?’ 

And then listening to your body and your mind. 
And remembering your values. 
And then deciding do you want to go ahead with it – or not.

We make hundreds of decisions a day and consent to lots of little tiny things whether they feel good or not. 
In fact, many times we ignore what our bodies are telling us because we feel that we ‘have’ to.

For example have you ever sat through work meetings for hours when you’d rather be getting on with what you’ve got to do. Or simple would love to have a stretch and a stroll?

In the video Nichi explains, we’re actually pretty good at ignoring what our bodies want and consenting anyway.
What we don’t do so well is voice when we don’t want something.

So it’s important when you are with someone, to notice how your body feels – and be upfront about it. 
Be firm with yourself if you are not sure and say, ‘Hey could we take a minute?’

Know that you can change your mind.
Buy yourself some time. Get some space
Go to the bathroom for a moment. 

When you come back, be real about what is going on. 
‘I’m having a great time with you but can we do something else instead.’ 

Or suggest something that you’d rather do. 

If words are difficult then put someone’s hand on your body in a way that feels good to be touched. 

A strong ‘No’ is wonderful to hear 
Because when that becomes a strong ‘Yes’ one day, the person you are with knows they can trust it.

It takes a strong ‘No’ to get to a strong ‘Yes’. 
And with a strong ‘Yes’ that can be trusted, deep connection results. 

And connected sex is soooooo good. 

How to know if an open relationship is right for you

I invited Relationship Style Expert Ria Bloom to talk us thru:

• How to know what style of relationship you want

• If you are built more for an open or monogamous relationship

• And what is the foundation for any healthy relationship – no matter how it’s shaped

I wasn’t sure about monogamy when I first met Naz

And neither was he really. 🤯

Perhaps it was the dreaded divorce rate being so high

Or some of the myths out there that predict the inevitable death of love + romance like

Over time the sex gets boring and

The spark just dies

The 7 year itch

You get where I’m going with this. 

So we talked about open relationships 

Which threw wide open my issues with abandonment –

And I owned that

And all the intense emotions that came along with it.

So open relationship wasn’t really going to work for us

Monogamy forever didn’t feel like a complete truth for us either

So we decided on owning 

‘Present-moment Monogamy’ 

(I just made that title up)

With the space for this to change in future 

Should either of us feel it

Relationship style is a choice these days

And making the one that is right for you 

Can be downright confusing

Are you for 

⭐ Classic Monogamy

⭐ Monogamish – the new black

⭐ Pioneering with Polyamory 

🤷‍♀ Or somewhere in between all of that 🤷‍♂

Being upfront about where you stand – whether you are certain or if its something you want to explore – 

Will allow you to start a relationship off with trust, truth and clarity.

And that's the foundation for long-lasting goodness.

Are you asking for too much from someone?

>--> Core values are fundamental

Don't let them slide! Rather, soften around them. 

To determine what your core values in relationship are ask yourself: 

- What moments in my life have fulfilled me + felt meaningful? 

- When do I feel most like myself

- In the times I've felt down, what has been missing?

My core values are: 

Honesty

Open communication

Accountability + Responsibility

Money mindset compatibility

Sense of adventure / curiosity 

>-->Combat perfectionism

Ask yourself:

What do I wish others would see in me? 

What do I wish I had a gentle teacher for? 

Looking inward, we notice that we are not perfect either. 
And that some things take time to uncover. 

And that this may be the buried treasure you've yet to discover in the other.

Mindfulness in the Bedroom – Connecting Deeply

Now-a-days, mindfulness is E*V*E*R*Y*W*H*E*R*E

It’s even creeping into the bedroom… 🛏under the covers

And we sure as hell need it there. 😯

We crave deep real soul-to-soul connection in intimacy in a world full of quick Tinder fixes and porn addictions that leave us unsatisfied.

In this video expert sex coach + sex educator, Kian de la Cour shares how Mindfulness in the bedroom is incredible for your sex life. 🧘‍♀

Learn how to get back the nourishment, aliveness, love + full-bodied delight that connected intimacy (both with ourselves + another) brings.

And how ‘mindful intimacy’ + being fully connected to your body in the bedroom feeds your soul + touches the heart of those you are with.

Kian speaks about how to start (2.08)

• Self-practice (aka masturbation)

• Decouple from habits

  • habitual ways of arousal learned from childhood or porn

  • from goal-orientation or sex with climax ending in orgasm

• Change the focus to feeling internally vs how I look / am performing

Here’s how to get started:

1. Put aside dedicated time with a start + end time

2. Set an intention (eg to relax completely, to let go of expectations, to NOT orgasm)

3. Explore your body in new ways. Play. Be curious. Expand outwards from just genital focus.

4. Breathe – Practice long exhales - relax your nervous system + open up to more sensation
   

Boundaries - the unexpected love magnet

We think we're going to lose someone when we say no, that's not ok.

Instead, those worth keeping grow more curious about us. And respect our edges.

We become more powerful in ourselves as we trust ourselves more.

And that powerful sense of knowing is VERY sexy for someone who knows his or her own power as well.

This other person knows that they come to someone who can hold themselves and protect themselves.

And so they are free to love you. Without having to save you. And if they too know their boundaries, have a strong sense of self-respect + love for themselves, they won't expect you to save them either.

HOW TO CREATE + MAINTAIN YOUR (new + sexy) BOUNDARIES

1. Know your desires + values in Relationship – get crystal clear – make a list

Include emotional, physical, mental + spiritual aspects

This is your line in the sand

2. Learn how to say NO - firmly + from your heart

When you are grounded and speak your NO clearly, then your YES becomes clearer as well. (Thank you @Sue Sutherland)

3. Be ok with whatever happens

Know that the trust + respect you demonstrate for yourself is what makes you YOU.

Love yourself knowing that being there for yourself is a great act of self-love.

And anyone who doesn't respect your boundaries, who doesn't first seek to respect you and then understand you, is probably someone you don't want around.

What better filter than this for discerning who's right / wrong for you!!

Come say hi to me on FB:

https://www.facebook.com/andrea.balboni.54

https://www.lushcoaching.com/

How to Receive Easily + Let in Love

Good people give. Greedy ones take (aka receive).

This cultural belief has wreaked havoc on relationships.

And has kept many of us single for far too long.

Too much giving (and no receiving) is a defence AGAINST INTIMACY.

Receiving creates connection.

HOW TO RECEIVE (and let love in)

1. Start small - accept compliments w/ eye contact + really feel them land in your body. Find the truth in it within yourself.

2. Enjoy the pleasure of the gift - luxuriate in whatever is received. You’ll feel amazing. And the giver will so enjoy seeing you happy.

3. Practice boundaries - know you don’t need to reciprocate. You can receive for the pleasure of receiving. Full stop. If anyone demands something in return, then you might question their motives in giving.

WHY IT’S SO HARD TO RECEIVE

1. Defence against intimacy / allowing someone closer - it feels vulnerable to open yourself to another in this way.

2. Self-worth - you don’t feel you are worth the compliment, gift, etc.

3. We’re rewarded as children for sharing, not for receiving

4. We’re taught that pleasure is not safe to feel fully

5. Receiving means letting go of some control + this feels scary.

Your sexy mind : reasonable, emotional and WILD

When we have sex, either with ourselves or with others, some of the most pleasurable experiences happen when all parts of us are ok with it.
By all parts of us, I mean all parts of our brain – and all parts of our being.

🧠❤🔥
In neuroscience we understand ‘all parts of our brain’ as the triune brain or 3 part brain (neocortex, limbic, reptilian 🦖 -- really?!!).

Similarly in ancient taoist tradition, our 3 energy centres (mind, heart + sex centres) must be ‘in alignment’ or in agreeance for us to experience the most powerful sex ever.

🧠❤🔥

Cutting-edge science meets ancient wisdom.

How sexy is that?

How to find calm when the sea of love is rough and tumbles

We all get to a point in our lives when things feel too heavy to bear. When our breath draws short and our minds feel unable to navigate the twists and turns of all that is happening within and outside of us. 😔

It might happen in the early stages of dating or in a bit later in love or very far down the line. 

The fact of the matter is that connection with another, true connection where you show your heart even when it’s risky...especially when it’s risky...can turn things upside down in a minute. Or seconds. 

And you find yourself unable to breathe. Forget about thinking as your mind races or slows to numbness. 🤯 And it all feels unbearably weighty. 

Like you can’t move. 

The chances of feeling overwhelmed by emotion when travelling towards deep love are pretty high. 🏋‍

I teach a quick simple practice taken from mindfulness that allows all of the above to happen, but also creates some space and within that space some peace even as you hold, feel, and experience intense emotion. ❤

It’s helped me catch my breath again and come back to balance, even if only for a moment, when the going gets tough. 

And this has made all the difference. 

It doesn’t necessarily fix things, but it does bring some sense of calm in the midst of it all. And within this a sense of deep love. 

And you learn to hold yourself through, however imperfectly, the eye of the storm. 🌪

With love, calm and some stormy clouds 🌬

Vulnerability - a key ingredient to love

I cried in the arms of my boyfriend last weekend.

For a while I tried really hard not to. And didn’t even realise it.

But he felt it anyway. In my kiss and in our touch. 

He asked what was wrong. 

And as always, with quite a bit of hesitation, I told him I wanted to see him more. We both lead really busy lives and love what we do. 

‘Well that doesn’t sound that bad,’ you might be thinking to yourself. 

Well actually, it kind of is. Because I know that Naz fell in love with a strong, independent woman. Someone who could hold herself up and be on her own. 🏄‍

He’s the same. It’s one of the reasons why I fell in love with him. 🏋‍

But this fierce independent spirit of mine is also points to a source of my deepest vulnerability.

I’m not supposed to ‘need’ more time with him. I’m not supposed to need anything from anyone, really. One of my biggest fears is appearing (and feeling) needy or clingy or dependent. 

It would make me look weak and possibly less desirable in his eyes. 🐭

And then he’d no longer want me. 

And I’d lose love. 

So that’s a pretty big deal. 

In this video I talk about how falling in love, whether you are dating or in a relationship, requires quite a large degree of vulnerability. Not the clingy, needy kind where you expect the other person to pick you up, but the brave open-heartedness kind. 

The kind of vulnerability that means opening your heart to yourself. To the parts of you that feel like they might cause you to be rejected or unloved. So that by acknowledging them, meeting them, softening around and allowing them to be you can finally loving yourself for them.

When I took the risk with Naz and showed him a part of me I’d been trying to hide and deny, my defences were down. 

And down also came that thin but very present wall between us. 

And we both opened once more back into the love that is always there.

Love junkie or love cynic? This could be stopping you from being in (true) love.

There are some that are addicted to the fantasy of love. These are the Romantics. They believe wholeheartedly in an idealised relationship. A starry-eyed kind of love that looks and feels like it does in the movies. 🤩

You just need to find ‘the one’.

And with this perfect other, everything is easy and breezy and good and makes us feel whole.

….Wait, what?!....

I was chatting with Shelby Leigh, and listening in quiet disbelief as she described her most recent work in a decade-long career as a somatic psychotherapist, meditation teacher and certified coach.

Was Shelby seriously telling me that there are people out there that still believe the myth of Romanticism? 🙀

Maybe you, dear reader, are one of these tender hearted optimistic people.

If so, I’d love to hear from you.  

You see, I’m more used to the words of the ‘love cynics’. Those who have come to resign themselves to the fact that there is most likely not a ‘one.’ They believe more in the chance (maybe it’s even their deepest fear) that there is actually NO one out there for them. 😶

In fact, if you are like I was, single for what feels like forEVER, you’d definitely be more convinced that NO one is the only ‘one’ you might ever know.

And perhaps have even begun to resign yourself to that fact.

Anyway, all of your friends in relationships just complain about them anyway. So you wonder whether or not it’s even worth it to stay subscribed to this newsletter.

Well, I’ve invited Shelby to tell us about her experience working with the Romantics, or ‘love junkies’ as she calls them. Because what she’s learned about helping them find love applies to us cynics as well. 🧐⚡

As is mentioned in this wonderful article, ‘How Romanticism Ruined Love’, from the School of Life,

“We need to piece together a post-Romantic theory of couples, because in order to make a relationship last we almost have to be disloyal to the Romantic emotions that get us into it in the first place.

The idea of being ‘post-Romantic’ shouldn’t imply cynicism; that one has abandoned the hope of relationships ever working out well. The post-Romantic attitude is just as ambitious about good relationships, but it has a very different sense of how to honour the hopes.”

In this video Shelby and I discuss how you can begin to form a beautiful relationship full of love that lasts over time whilst knowing that nothing is ever perfect.

And perhaps it’s the imperfection itself that is what is exactly right for us. 😌

You’ll learn some simple practices that Shelby uses with her clients to great effect.

So much so that even as ‘love junkies’ fall once again into love, they stumble along with the best of us having learned how to navigate the sometimes turbulent, sometimes blissful waters of real love. 🐳