How to deepen intimacy + ask for what you want in bed

Bad s*x. Been there. Done that.

We pretty much all have.

Sue Sutherland​ of the Feel Institute talks to us about how to have GREAT s*x.

And she shares with us a simple game we can play with the people we are with so that we can have the experiences that we really want.

Sneak peak into the wisdom:

1. Know what you want – listen to that body of yours

2. Ask for it – be brave + bold!

3. Love yourself for doing so.

❤
One (of the admittedly many) reasons why sex can end up being bad

Even with those that we love having sex with
Is when we say yes to doing something that we actually don’t want to do!

We consent.

Simply stated CONSENT = CHOICE

We choose to say YES to a touch or a closeness or something more
When all our body really wanted was for us to
Shout out an emphatic NO
Or a gentle firm NO
Or any NO at all.

Let’s just admit it: speaking up around sex, especially in intimate moments with someone new…or even someone you’ve been with for a very long time…

Can feel extremely scary. And weird.
We don’t want to kill a moment. Or offend someone.
Or seem inexperienced. Or awkward.

And yet, when you learn how to talk about what you want
Or don’t want in any moment

The chances of having bad sex every again diminish completely.
And the path to good sex

To amazzzzzing sex
Opens wide.

How to have better sex: connection + consent with Nichi Hodgson

I want you to jump from two feet into the bedroom, when you feel finally ready to be intimate with a certain someone you might have just started dating. 

And not only that, I want you to have the best sex possible when you do. 

And so, I wanted to break out this bit of a conversation from a video I had posted a few weeks back with Nichi Hodgeson, journalist on all things sexy for the likes of the Guardian and Sky News that will help you to do so.

You see, consent is key to connection. 
And connection is the key to great sex. 

Especially if you are new to dating someone. 

It's key to know what feels good for you – and what doesn't. And to voice it. 
So open communication becomes a foundation to your relationship. 

Nichi breaks consent down for us beautifully in this video.
She explains that consent is deciding ‘Do I want to do this right now with this person?’ 

And then listening to your body and your mind. 
And remembering your values. 
And then deciding do you want to go ahead with it – or not.

We make hundreds of decisions a day and consent to lots of little tiny things whether they feel good or not. 
In fact, many times we ignore what our bodies are telling us because we feel that we ‘have’ to.

For example have you ever sat through work meetings for hours when you’d rather be getting on with what you’ve got to do. Or simple would love to have a stretch and a stroll?

In the video Nichi explains, we’re actually pretty good at ignoring what our bodies want and consenting anyway.
What we don’t do so well is voice when we don’t want something.

So it’s important when you are with someone, to notice how your body feels – and be upfront about it. 
Be firm with yourself if you are not sure and say, ‘Hey could we take a minute?’

Know that you can change your mind.
Buy yourself some time. Get some space
Go to the bathroom for a moment. 

When you come back, be real about what is going on. 
‘I’m having a great time with you but can we do something else instead.’ 

Or suggest something that you’d rather do. 

If words are difficult then put someone’s hand on your body in a way that feels good to be touched. 

A strong ‘No’ is wonderful to hear 
Because when that becomes a strong ‘Yes’ one day, the person you are with knows they can trust it.

It takes a strong ‘No’ to get to a strong ‘Yes’. 
And with a strong ‘Yes’ that can be trusted, deep connection results. 

And connected sex is soooooo good. 

Dating + Love after Divorce

I used to think that people who were divorced had an advantage on me – at least they had managed to get married ONCE (sometimes even 2 or 3 times, somehow lapping me!!). 

Now I know that those of us who have been single for most of our lives and those coming out of divorce share a few things in common. 

One is a sense of not really knowing ourselves fully.

We feel as if we’ve lost ourselves somewhere along the way. 

Those in marriage giving too much of themselves or thinking always of others. 

And us singles who get enveloped by work or busy-ness.

And we don’t really know where to start to get back to centre. 

To re-find…or find for the first time parts of ourselves 

That have yet to be discovered.

We feel lost.

And lonely. 
And alone. 
And have no idea how to crawl out of that place. 

If you’ve never really been in a relationship your entire adult life – regardless of the fact that you have a lot of incredibleness to share with someon
You feel like you’ve got no experience to fall back on. 

No points of reference. 

No, well when that worked out it was because of this…

And if you HAVE been in  relationship and it’s fallen apart

And that relationship was called ‘marriage’

Which was supposed to be forever

You want to do everything in your power not to repeat what just happened. 

And you feel like you have no idea how to do that.

And what if you mess it up again.

In both cases you feel like you are learning from ‘ground zero’ as my friend and colleague Andrea Tan shares with me.
You have no idea where to start. 😳

The truth is, whether you’ve never been loved or have loved and lost, the first steps forward are knowing yourself from the inside out. 
Getting back in touch with centre – with who you are at your core. 

A kind of remembering. Or getting to know. 

So that you can feel whole and full and alive and confident and sure of yourself. 

And from this place of fullness love outwardly

So that what comes back at you is a person who has done that journey too. 

And together you create something totally new. ✨

Not based on too little or too much past experience

But on what you are NOW. 

And that is a you that is powerful and beautiful and already full.

Here’s where Andrea recommends you start by SLOWING DOWN and feeling your way thru. Even tho slowing down to feel is the last thing you might want to do as you go through divorce.

Here’s a 3 step process to help get you through:

1. Express fully your Rage + Sorrow - You carry lots of emotional weight after divorce. Get it out! So you don’t carry it with you to the next relationship. Punch pillows for 20-30 mins. Set a timer so you don’t go over that limit + get stuck in the hole of those emotions. Do this over a number of days, weeks, months until it’s all out.

2. Learn what you like - Go on dates with yourself. Have each date be themed by one of the 5 senses - eg. a date on taste would be trying different restaurants / foods you like. This process helps in remembering or knowing for the first time, what makes you uniquely YOU.

3. Create a vision board or statement - of the person you would like to be in your next relationship + how you would like that relationship, and life, to be. This is so that you can stay focused on who you want to be as you go through the divorce. It keeps you from falling back into old ways of being that were not supportive of you being your fullest self. It prevents you from attracting the same type of person that you’ve just left behind back into your life.

How to know if an open relationship is right for you

I invited Relationship Style Expert Ria Bloom to talk us thru:

• How to know what style of relationship you want

• If you are built more for an open or monogamous relationship

• And what is the foundation for any healthy relationship – no matter how it’s shaped

I wasn’t sure about monogamy when I first met Naz

And neither was he really. 🤯

Perhaps it was the dreaded divorce rate being so high

Or some of the myths out there that predict the inevitable death of love + romance like

Over time the sex gets boring and

The spark just dies

The 7 year itch

You get where I’m going with this. 

So we talked about open relationships 

Which threw wide open my issues with abandonment –

And I owned that

And all the intense emotions that came along with it.

So open relationship wasn’t really going to work for us

Monogamy forever didn’t feel like a complete truth for us either

So we decided on owning 

‘Present-moment Monogamy’ 

(I just made that title up)

With the space for this to change in future 

Should either of us feel it

Relationship style is a choice these days

And making the one that is right for you 

Can be downright confusing

Are you for 

⭐ Classic Monogamy

⭐ Monogamish – the new black

⭐ Pioneering with Polyamory 

🤷‍♀ Or somewhere in between all of that 🤷‍♂

Being upfront about where you stand – whether you are certain or if its something you want to explore – 

Will allow you to start a relationship off with trust, truth and clarity.

And that's the foundation for long-lasting goodness.

Are you asking for too much from someone?

>--> Core values are fundamental

Don't let them slide! Rather, soften around them. 

To determine what your core values in relationship are ask yourself: 

- What moments in my life have fulfilled me + felt meaningful? 

- When do I feel most like myself

- In the times I've felt down, what has been missing?

My core values are: 

Honesty

Open communication

Accountability + Responsibility

Money mindset compatibility

Sense of adventure / curiosity 

>-->Combat perfectionism

Ask yourself:

What do I wish others would see in me? 

What do I wish I had a gentle teacher for? 

Looking inward, we notice that we are not perfect either. 
And that some things take time to uncover. 

And that this may be the buried treasure you've yet to discover in the other.

Mindfulness in the Bedroom – Connecting Deeply

Now-a-days, mindfulness is E*V*E*R*Y*W*H*E*R*E

It’s even creeping into the bedroom… 🛏under the covers

And we sure as hell need it there. 😯

We crave deep real soul-to-soul connection in intimacy in a world full of quick Tinder fixes and porn addictions that leave us unsatisfied.

In this video expert sex coach + sex educator, Kian de la Cour shares how Mindfulness in the bedroom is incredible for your sex life. 🧘‍♀

Learn how to get back the nourishment, aliveness, love + full-bodied delight that connected intimacy (both with ourselves + another) brings.

And how ‘mindful intimacy’ + being fully connected to your body in the bedroom feeds your soul + touches the heart of those you are with.

Kian speaks about how to start (2.08)

• Self-practice (aka masturbation)

• Decouple from habits

  • habitual ways of arousal learned from childhood or porn

  • from goal-orientation or sex with climax ending in orgasm

• Change the focus to feeling internally vs how I look / am performing

Here’s how to get started:

1. Put aside dedicated time with a start + end time

2. Set an intention (eg to relax completely, to let go of expectations, to NOT orgasm)

3. Explore your body in new ways. Play. Be curious. Expand outwards from just genital focus.

4. Breathe – Practice long exhales - relax your nervous system + open up to more sensation
   

How to beat the tech + find love online

So here’s some heartbreaking news for anyone lookin’ for love online (like EVERYONE these days) –

💔 Dating apps are designed specifically to keep you single.

UUuurrrgg as if it wasn’t hard enough to find some lovin’ in the world.

Now we have tech that we thought would help you in the 💏 department actually KEEPING you from love.

My blood is boiling….

Good news is, you can beat apps at their own game.

And I found out how. From a pro.

😎 Nichi Hodgson is an online dating expert (and a bunch of other incredible things, like writing for the Guardian, Times, BBC..the list is long...on all things Sex, Love + Relationships).

She’s got an insider’s view into how dating apps work, having been employed by several of them.

Nichi told me how to be the tech + find love on (and off) line.  Watch the vid for the full story.

Top 3 Tips are listed here:

⭐Limit your swiping to 5-9 times

Don’t go above 9 or you’ll go into cognitive overload + overwhelm.

Just work with those first 9 profiles.

(OMG only 9?!?! I’ve swiped for HOURS in my day...and yes, wanted to kill myself by the end of it)

⭐ After 7 minutes - 10 minutes (a day) go off the app

Get a few people that you have a chat going w/ focus on those.

Sound similar to the first tip? It is!!  

Swiping is a repetitive motion that mesmerizes. It keeps you on the app longer than you need to be and can become a bit addictive.

⭐Forgive your date if they get right on the app after they’ve met you!

Remember: the swiping is just a habit. A compulsive behavior reinforced by the app creators.

⭐ Delete the app asap

If you find someone you kind of like, delete the app asap. This helps prevent you from getting hooked on the endless options.

Share your phone number (I know, you’re thinking..is that safe?) Well the person can’t find out where you live based on your phone number. And you can always block them.

>----------->

Full reveal: Both Nichi + I found our long-term partners online. But it wasn’t as a result of beating the tech (though that can help).

We’d both worked through our stuff in therapy + coaching, and this is what made the difference. Significant internal shifts got us to where we are now – happy in love (and still continuing the ‘inner work’ in this new context).  

😉 If you still struggle to find love and can’t quite figure out why, both of us are coaches.

You can PM me here.

And write to Nichi here: http://nichihodgson.com/contact/

Nichi also recommends reading this book

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love Paperback by Rachel Heller + Amir Levine

It'll help you understand why you might be struggling to find love.

You're going to get there...I promise!!

❤❤❤

Boundaries - the unexpected love magnet

We think we're going to lose someone when we say no, that's not ok.

Instead, those worth keeping grow more curious about us. And respect our edges.

We become more powerful in ourselves as we trust ourselves more.

And that powerful sense of knowing is VERY sexy for someone who knows his or her own power as well.

This other person knows that they come to someone who can hold themselves and protect themselves.

And so they are free to love you. Without having to save you. And if they too know their boundaries, have a strong sense of self-respect + love for themselves, they won't expect you to save them either.

HOW TO CREATE + MAINTAIN YOUR (new + sexy) BOUNDARIES

1. Know your desires + values in Relationship – get crystal clear – make a list

Include emotional, physical, mental + spiritual aspects

This is your line in the sand

2. Learn how to say NO - firmly + from your heart

When you are grounded and speak your NO clearly, then your YES becomes clearer as well. (Thank you @Sue Sutherland)

3. Be ok with whatever happens

Know that the trust + respect you demonstrate for yourself is what makes you YOU.

Love yourself knowing that being there for yourself is a great act of self-love.

And anyone who doesn't respect your boundaries, who doesn't first seek to respect you and then understand you, is probably someone you don't want around.

What better filter than this for discerning who's right / wrong for you!!

Come say hi to me on FB:

https://www.facebook.com/andrea.balboni.54

https://www.lushcoaching.com/

How to Receive Easily + Let in Love

Good people give. Greedy ones take (aka receive).

This cultural belief has wreaked havoc on relationships.

And has kept many of us single for far too long.

Too much giving (and no receiving) is a defence AGAINST INTIMACY.

Receiving creates connection.

HOW TO RECEIVE (and let love in)

1. Start small - accept compliments w/ eye contact + really feel them land in your body. Find the truth in it within yourself.

2. Enjoy the pleasure of the gift - luxuriate in whatever is received. You’ll feel amazing. And the giver will so enjoy seeing you happy.

3. Practice boundaries - know you don’t need to reciprocate. You can receive for the pleasure of receiving. Full stop. If anyone demands something in return, then you might question their motives in giving.

WHY IT’S SO HARD TO RECEIVE

1. Defence against intimacy / allowing someone closer - it feels vulnerable to open yourself to another in this way.

2. Self-worth - you don’t feel you are worth the compliment, gift, etc.

3. We’re rewarded as children for sharing, not for receiving

4. We’re taught that pleasure is not safe to feel fully

5. Receiving means letting go of some control + this feels scary.

Forgiveness 360• Rant + rave to truly forgive

I help people create new love in their lives that is healthier + happier than they’ve ever had in the past.

It’s not magic that I perform, though some have said it feels like that. 🧙‍♀✨🔮

I simply help people to see what keeps them from new love happening.

And we clear it. 🌬

And I set them up for what they came to me for: deep connection and true partnership, trust, support and understanding in love + intimacy.

Because there’s nothing like wrapping yourself up in the arms of someone whom you truly trust, of knowing the deliciousness of their scent and inhaling it deeply into your body, of not only having someone on your side, but creating a life together that is so much more than what life looks like alone.

It’s often a unique combination of things that keeps one from this kind of crazy, sexy, out-of-this world kind of love.

But there are also patterns that I see over and over again that block people.
And one of these is hanging onto ‘dirty laundry’. 🧺

‘Dirty laundry’ is simply old love (or what looked like love) hanging around that needs processing.

It no longer is fit for purpose. It no longer serves.

It needs to be cleaned and cleared, so that whatever new thing that wants to come in can.

And enter into an environment that has plenty of space, light and fresh air.  

So that it can grow deep roots + expand and grow and thrive. 🌱🌿🌳

And be its own thing. Something completely new. 💓

One of the ways to clean + clear is to develop a strong practice of what I call, Forgiveness 360

Forgiveness 360•

 A Step-By-Step Process to rant + rave and truly forgive

1) CLEAR - Grab a pillow. Imagine the person you want to forgive sitting across from you. Let it out!! Shout, scream, *&£$&*. Let whatever you feel, anger, frustration out! This is YOUR TIME! Set a timer for 5-10 mins so you don’t get lost in it all.

2) HEAL – Sit with yourself and observe how your body feels (you might find some space) and notice what emotions rise and fall. Then, fill yourself with good vibes. Imagine love energy or sunlight energy filling into your body.

3) SHIFT – Recall the situation from this new vantage point and try to understand how you might do things differently next time so the same situation does not occur. Maybe it’s setting new boundaries within yourself or saying ‘No’ more. Own your experience.

Dating is not a numbers game - How to turn the odds in your favour

Dating is not a numbers game. ➕➖➗

I know. 

I went on hundreds of dates and swiped thousands of profiles for 8 straight years. 

Countless hours were spent crafting my online profile. 

🤳🏽🥵

It only mattered so much.

I finally felt like I was taking control over finding a relationship when I really owned it. 

And the IT here was me.

I owned how I showed up in the world. 

I owned the incredible things about me.

I owned my own amazingness. 

AND

I reflected it accurately and openly – online + off

In this video I share practical (and not so practical) tips on 

-Knowing it + Owning it

-Reflecting that in your online profile 

-Reflecting it in the real world

-Allowing in that which you put out (love...yum)

Solo Tantra 101 - Polarity: Get the sparks flying

My first 3 years of learning tantra were when I was single.

I practiced tantra on my own.

I share with you a basic tantric principle 💥 that of polarity 💥 

Or the push pull of life.

The magnetism that draws you to another person for instance.

Steps to increasing + practicing Polarity:

1. Decide if you want to be in the Go or Flow state

2. Transition fully into Go or Flow (most people are in Go - I give tips on getting into Flow)

3. Practice being in the state you choose. Partnered dance is a great way to practice.

The Go state is one where you are focused, have a sense of direction and movement and at the same time be present enough to feel into where the person in Flow is and respond.

Those in Flow states dance and move around the Go state person. There is power in the flow state as one cannot exist without the other. And people in Flow must listen into the Go state person so that they can receive the signals from them. The state is one of receptivity and relax.

Tantra is a vast philosophy and as rich as the ancient tradition from which it stems.

🧘‍♀🧘‍♂

Practicing on your own will help you to:

- to draw in love

- feel more sexy and alive

- awaken your body to pleasure

- become a master lover so you can share this with another

You could spend a lifetime studying it and only ever scratch the surface.

I recommend starting now.

Defy rejection + date with confidence

Rejection is a big one.

😌

I wrote a post on it here and in a few other groups and heard lots from you about it so I decided to speak on how to not only manage rejection, but also how to learn from it.

Whether you’ve been dating for a while or if you’re jumping in the sea after some time on dry land, you’re likely to have come across it in one form or another.

And probably are doing your best to avoid it. Who wouldn’t? It hurts! 🤕

Thing is, that by trying to avoid it I’ll bet that you’re talking your way out of what might be opportunities to know some pretty fantastic people.

Learn how to take the sting out of rejection so that it no longer becomes a ‘thing’.

🐝

Dating will feel easier.

And you’ll feel more free to meet people that you’d like to know better.

👬👫👭

The gift of rejection:

The more we can love + accept the parts of us we ‘reject’ within ourselves, the stronger and more confident that we’ll become. Here’s how it works.

Deciphering rejection:

1. Feel the feels fully in your body. Allow the tough emotions to flow through you. Create space by breathing into the tightest places, moving + sounding out the sensations + emotions.

2. Ask yourself, what part of me can I love more? You can find this answer by recalling the negative thoughts that went through your head when you were rejected. Something like…’he probably thought I was too…’ or ‘she didn’t think I was (fill in the blank) enough.” That part of you that you guess might be too much or too little is exactly the part of you that needs acceptance + to be appreciated and loved by you.

3. Let go of the story. Let go of whatever you think it might all mean...about the other person...about you.

4. And love yourself EVEN MORE.

Expand into new ways of being – how to be a brighter you

Lousie’s work bridges Western philosophy and psychology and Eastern esoteric traditions and shamanism.
She knows the power of each and taps into both to help you understand what you learn.  

She does this so that you are able to take the gifts of the experience and apply them to your NOW so you can live the life you want.

You will learn practical ways to understand and fold the experiences you have into your life to support your own thriving.

- what it looks like when you experience a growth spurt (aka spiritual awakening)

- how to listen for what wants to 'emerge' when this happens

- and be with the feelings, thoughts and emotions that come with it

So that you can come into being a newer, brighter version of yourself instead of running away and pushing down what wants to come out.

We also speak about:

- expanded states of consciousness - from meditation to plan medicines

- and how to interpret the language and learnings that we experience in these states

So that new meaning can be brought into our lives.

Your sexy mind : reasonable, emotional and WILD

When we have sex, either with ourselves or with others, some of the most pleasurable experiences happen when all parts of us are ok with it.
By all parts of us, I mean all parts of our brain – and all parts of our being.

🧠❤🔥
In neuroscience we understand ‘all parts of our brain’ as the triune brain or 3 part brain (neocortex, limbic, reptilian 🦖 -- really?!!).

Similarly in ancient taoist tradition, our 3 energy centres (mind, heart + sex centres) must be ‘in alignment’ or in agreeance for us to experience the most powerful sex ever.

🧠❤🔥

Cutting-edge science meets ancient wisdom.

How sexy is that?

Learn to self-soothe – getting you back to good

One of the most difficult things about being single over the long run, is knowing that you’ve got to be self-reliant – for everything. 💪🏼

Sure you’ve probably got friends and family around for support. And I’m sure they are great – or as good as they can be. 👩‍👧‍👧 👨‍👩‍👧 👨‍👨‍👦

But sometimes in your darkest hours they can’t always be there. Maybe it’s too late at night to ring them or you feel that they are sweet, but they just don’t really understand you and what you’re feeling.

The truth of the matter is that even when you are in a relationship, that other person can’t be with you all the time to tell you it’s gonna be ok and that things will work out. In fact, sometimes the other person might have triggered in you anger, fear or sadness and you need some immediate TLC. 😮

Self-soothing is soooooo good. Because only you know exactly what you need to make you feel better.

And you are with yourself ALL THE TIME, so basically there’s always someone there to look out for you. 👭

So how do you find within yourself the ability to make yourself feel better? Especially when you feel like doo doo? 💩

Learn 6 (or more) ways to bring yourself back to good whether it’s recovering from a bad date or no date at all or when you just don’t feel so good. I’ll talk about:

1. Gentle touch

2. Non-linear movement

3. Golden light + love

4. Positive words / affirmations

5. Community + synchronised movement

6. Hugs

How to burn thru resistance + get the love you want

In this video you’ll learn 5 ways to burn through resistance in 2019 with fiery courageous love. 🔥

We have an intense desire for something – strong love, a lasting relationship, more connection + pleasure in sex.

It may be the thing that we want most in the world.

We may even have done some hard work on targeting what it is that is holding us back.

🎯

And (if you have a good coach - hehe!!) you’ve even outlined some simple things you can do to get you where you want to go.

But then all of a sudden you feel too tired to do them. You start to question whether it’s going to work. You procrastinate or feel bored with it all or annoyed that you’ve go to do this when for everyone else it came so easily.

😤

And so you RESIST.

Our minds are weird – how all of a sudden do we feel annoyed + bored with getting what we really want so badly?!!

🤨

Because change is a funny thing. It can feel scary and weird and in general our bodies and minds don’t like it.

🤯

Even if change means that we’re going to get something that we’ve wanted maybe even our entire lives.

😶

And so I’m dedicating the first part of my 2019 on burning through my OWN resistance.

Because without doing so, nothing else on my list for 2019 will happen!

And whilst I may have started my process off with jumping off a cliff, working through resistance can be much less dramatic and just as effective.

Unless of course you too would like to go for drama. ; )

😱

Feel sensational in bed by breathing in a whole new way

Let me be honest with you, when I first started to do a thing called “Breathwork” I HATED IT. 
I mean really, truly, fiercely hated it.

And yet it proved to be one of the keys to me opening up my body to pleasure after years of it slowly shutting down to sensation. 

On some level over the years I realised what was happening to my body. I’d stay the course, plowing through long hours of work and focus on a career that I loved. 

But it was too much computer time. Too little movement. Too much focus and not enough play. Not enough time outdoors. 🤕
Numbness took over. 

Years of it.

But with Breathwork as one of my basic yet super potent tools, I slowly broke through. 🤯

It didn’t happen overnight. 

And I still have a lot of resistance to doing Breathwork sometimes. Like going to the gym, you know it’s super good for you and you’ll feel better afterwards...it’s just so hard to GET there sometimes.  

But I keep at it. Because time and again I find it works.
It brings me back into my body. And allows me to feel whatever it is I need to feel so that I can get back to good again. 😌

And feel sexy and alive. And whole. 🌬

I talk about the breath. How it’s opened me up. How I still use it all the time in lovemaking and in life. 

I believe it’s the new yoga of our time. You might have already heard about it. And if you haven’t then come hear how it can help you too. 

How to find calm when the sea of love is rough and tumbles

We all get to a point in our lives when things feel too heavy to bear. When our breath draws short and our minds feel unable to navigate the twists and turns of all that is happening within and outside of us. 😔

It might happen in the early stages of dating or in a bit later in love or very far down the line. 

The fact of the matter is that connection with another, true connection where you show your heart even when it’s risky...especially when it’s risky...can turn things upside down in a minute. Or seconds. 

And you find yourself unable to breathe. Forget about thinking as your mind races or slows to numbness. 🤯 And it all feels unbearably weighty. 

Like you can’t move. 

The chances of feeling overwhelmed by emotion when travelling towards deep love are pretty high. 🏋‍

I teach a quick simple practice taken from mindfulness that allows all of the above to happen, but also creates some space and within that space some peace even as you hold, feel, and experience intense emotion. ❤

It’s helped me catch my breath again and come back to balance, even if only for a moment, when the going gets tough. 

And this has made all the difference. 

It doesn’t necessarily fix things, but it does bring some sense of calm in the midst of it all. And within this a sense of deep love. 

And you learn to hold yourself through, however imperfectly, the eye of the storm. 🌪

With love, calm and some stormy clouds 🌬

Vulnerability - a key ingredient to love

I cried in the arms of my boyfriend last weekend.

For a while I tried really hard not to. And didn’t even realise it.

But he felt it anyway. In my kiss and in our touch. 

He asked what was wrong. 

And as always, with quite a bit of hesitation, I told him I wanted to see him more. We both lead really busy lives and love what we do. 

‘Well that doesn’t sound that bad,’ you might be thinking to yourself. 

Well actually, it kind of is. Because I know that Naz fell in love with a strong, independent woman. Someone who could hold herself up and be on her own. 🏄‍

He’s the same. It’s one of the reasons why I fell in love with him. 🏋‍

But this fierce independent spirit of mine is also points to a source of my deepest vulnerability.

I’m not supposed to ‘need’ more time with him. I’m not supposed to need anything from anyone, really. One of my biggest fears is appearing (and feeling) needy or clingy or dependent. 

It would make me look weak and possibly less desirable in his eyes. 🐭

And then he’d no longer want me. 

And I’d lose love. 

So that’s a pretty big deal. 

In this video I talk about how falling in love, whether you are dating or in a relationship, requires quite a large degree of vulnerability. Not the clingy, needy kind where you expect the other person to pick you up, but the brave open-heartedness kind. 

The kind of vulnerability that means opening your heart to yourself. To the parts of you that feel like they might cause you to be rejected or unloved. So that by acknowledging them, meeting them, softening around and allowing them to be you can finally loving yourself for them.

When I took the risk with Naz and showed him a part of me I’d been trying to hide and deny, my defences were down. 

And down also came that thin but very present wall between us. 

And we both opened once more back into the love that is always there.